Work Text:
Penelope was the first to wake up. She was laid in her bed with JJ on one side of her and Emily on the other, still dressed in their clothes from last night. JJ was cuddling Penelope's right arm, while Emily was flat on her back with her limbs spread out like a starfish.
Penelope winced as the sunlight from the window stabbed her in the eyes. She had no desire to ever move from the bed again. She has no idea what they got up to the night before, but it had been a long time since she'd had this rough of a morning after.
Emily made a long, loud sound that may or may not be a dying whale impression. Penelope was pleased to know that she wasn't the only one suffering. Emily opened her eyes and they made eye contact. From that one look, Penelope could tell that Emily also had no idea why they felt so rough.
Emily flapped a hand in JJ's general direction with a questioning look. Penelope shook her head, wincing, indicating that no, JJ was not yet awake. Unhappy with this, Emily reached over and picked up JJ's ankle, shaking it around until she got a response.
JJ scrunched up her face and tried to push the hand away.
"Henry, Mommy is having a sleep in. Go bother your father." she moaned
"You're not my mother" grumbled Emily, prompting JJ to recall where she spent the night.
JJ rolled over so that all three of them were now on their backs, staring at the ceiling. It was 10am and they were all already wishing for nighttime so they could all go back to sleep.
"God I wish we hadn't made plans for team brunch today, we're gonna have to move soon" said Penelope sadly.
With a great deal of moaning and groaning, and a few tears that would be strongly denied, they slowly made their way from the bed towards the kitchen, convinced that coffee would bring them back to life. However, they only managed to get as far as the living room before they were stopped in their tracks, horrified by the carnage before them.
The living room was a wreck. For a brief moment, Penelope hoped someone had broken in, before she came to the conclusion that sadly, this was all their own fault. Then her eyes were drawn to the sofa, where JJ and Emily were already staring with mounting concern at what they saw there.
"What the hell did we do last night?" asked Penelope in horror
---------------------------
“Girls night! Girls night! Girls night!”
Emily walked into Penelope's apartment chanting, with JJ following behind. Penelope stuck her head around her bedroom door.
“Somebody's excited for girls night!”
“Will gave her some wine while she waited for me to finish getting ready, and I suspect that wasn't her first drink of the evening” JJ said with a grin.
“Well, I have just finished getting ready, so drumroll please for my big catwalk moment!” Penelope replied
Emily enthusiastically slapped her hands on the kitchen counter with absolutely no rhythm. Penelope took this as her cue and dramatically sashayed into the living room.
Emily wolf whistled loudly. JJ thought she had never seen so many sparkles on one person at one time. It was quintessentially Penelope.
“Right right, we have some catching up to do, judging by the look of Emily so let's go!” Penelope exclaimed, ushering them towards the door.
-------------------------
“Okay so I'm pretty sure that we didn't leave the apartment in this mess, so it must have happened after we got home!” Penelope said excitedly
JJ and Emily stared at her incredulously.
“Penelope” JJ said slowly, “That's just stating the obvious. This mess is obviously the work of drunk people!”
Penelope deflated a little at that realisation. Maybe she wasn’t as close to cracking the case as she had thought.
---------------------------
Girls night was far too rare of an occurrence. Between being away on cases so often, JJ having her family at home, and the inconvenience of having to invite the men of the team out drinking occasionally, it wasn't often that Penelope, JJ, and Emily found themselves with the opportunity to spend a night just the three of them. Unfortunately, all that meant was that girls night could become unpredictable and out of control very quickly.
Penelope was sitting with a large cocktail in each hand, determined to catch up to Emily. Emily was on her third glass of wine since leaving the house. JJ was quite happy with her gin, even if Penelope did insist on it being pink.
“If you get pink, your drink can match my dress!” She had laughed.
JJ had never been very good at denying Penelope's wishes on girls night. Actually, JJ had never been very good at denying Penelope’s wishes in general. There was just something about Penelope that was sweet and wholesome, and softened JJ's heart, not that JJ would ever admit that out loud.
The three of them sat with their drinks, having nice conversations, enjoying each other's company. Having a nice, normal girls night.
---------------------------
“And I'll be honest guys, that's as far as my memory is going without coffee.” Emily finished.
“Why doesn't that surprise me.” JJ replied sarcastically, turning to face Emily
She noticed, for the first time, the t-shirt that Emily was wearing. It was plain black and had a man's face printed on the front. On the back it just had a name - Josh.
“Where on earth did you get that top?” She asked
Emily looked confused, also noticing the shirt for the first time.
“Oh, I can answer this one!” Penelope shouted, waving her hand in the air.
“Only if you do it quietly.” Emily said through gritted teeth, rubbing her forehead.
-----------------------------
They had moved onto a second bar a while ago. This bar had much more atmosphere, with loud music, and younger and rowdier customers. Luckily, the three of them were inebriated enough to match the energy.
Penelope and Emily were dancing, if it could be called that. Emily was dancing on the spot with yet another glass of wine in her hand while Penelope was twirling around her with limbs waving in every direction.
Meanwhile, JJ had found a stag party and was happily embarrassing them. She had just finished beating their best man at a game of pool, and before that she had absolutely destroyed three of them at darts. JJ may have been tipsy, but the stag party were hammered. The men were huddled together, quietly debating which game to try and beat JJ at next. Penelope and Emily came over to join them, Penelope panting and needing a break from dancing.
Emily inserted herself into the huddle of men. None of them noticed.
“How about a game of soccer, all of us versus just her?” She said in a fake deep voice. “Or why don't we all go skydiving, first one to scream loses?”
She got a few nods of agreement before they looked at her and realised she was a stranger.
“Who're you?” One of them demanded.
Emily straightened up with a laugh and pointed in JJ's direction.
“I'm friends with the one who's been putting you all to shame tonight!”
They all glared at her, but had no response.
“Fellas, I've got a new game for us to play.” JJ said, with a grin that Will would definitely describe as wicked. “There are three of us, and seven of you. How about a good old fashioned drinking game. Two minutes, whoever downs the most shots is the winner. Us versus you.”
The men looked between themselves disbelievingly. Surely she didn't think that three people could down more shots than seven people? It wasn't possible.
“Okay, you're on.” The best man agreed. He was slightly suspicious, but he was determined to win at least one game and there was no way to cheat at this kind of game.
He was correct, but as he observed the wreckage of their table a few minutes later, he wished that they had been planning to cheat. That might have made their defeat a little less humiliating.
They had decided on tequila shots, a classic. The groom had stumbled outside to vomit after three, two of the others had made it to five. The rest hadn't vomited but one of them was now laying face down on the table, and the rest were hazily staring at the women in shock.
Those three women had downed tequila shot after tequila shot like it was their job. The one with the black hair had found a way to down two at once, which had been very alarming. That was when they knew they'd been beat again.
She came up to him, stumbling slightly but overall walking in a surprisingly straight line.
“I want your shirt. As my prize.” she demanded, prodding him in the chest.
He frowned at her.
“But then what will I wear?”
“My shirt, obviously. We’ll swap!”
--------------------------------------
“You know Em, as much as red is your colour, I have to say he pulled it off pretty well.” said Penelope.
Emily just grinned. She had no memory at all of their drinking challenge but from what Penelope said, she had every reason to be proud of herself. She was going to keep the t-shirt forever.
“That'll teach them to call women sweetheart and touch their asses.” JJ said smugly
“It's a shame it's covered in dirt, you'll have to put it in your washer when you get home.” Penelope pointed out. “How did it even get so dirty?”
-------------------------------
It was 4am. Somehow, they had come to the uncharacteristically sensible decision to call it a night and head back to Penelope’s house. They had, however, come to the very un-sensible decision to make their way home through a poorly-lit park. Really, considering their jobs, they should have been making better decisions.
“Penelope, I thought you said this was a shortcut!” Emily moaned for the fifth time in as many minutes.
“It is! We’ll be at Spencer’s apartment in like, ten minutes!” Penelope replied.
JJ and Emily stopped walking and stared at Penelope.
“Why are you taking us to Spencer’s apartment?” asked JJ, ever the sensible one even when drunk.
“Because he borrowed one of my knitting magazines for a pattern last week, and I really need it back!” Penelope hollered over her shoulder. “I told you that already!”
“No, you did not!”
“It’s 4am!” Emily shouted. “I want a kebab and I want to sleep! Get your damn magazine another day!”
Penelope sighed sadly and turned back around.
“Fine, but I’ll have you know that it will be you who gets her birthday present late if I don't get that magazine back soon.”
Penelope once again took the lead, this time planning to lead them to her own apartment via a kebab shop for Emily. She took them on a route through the park that seemed to take forever.
“Penelope, I don't think you know where you're going!” JJ announced.
Emily nodded in agreement, and pointed in a new direction.
“I’m in charge now, and I want to go that way.”
JJ and Penelope exchanged looks. They shrugged their shoulders, agreeing to let Emily take the reigns for a while. What could go wrong?
It turned out, the answer was a lot. A lot could go wrong. An hour later they were still in the park with no exit in sight. Emily had tripped over four twigs and landed face first in the dirt, and Penelope had stopped at three benches for a sit down. JJ had taken her heels off long ago and was walking bare-foot. She was barely managing to walk in a straight line, yet she still felt like she was trying to walk Henry home instead of her two adult friends.
“Come on Penelope, we can’t stay here all night.” JJ held out a hand to help Penelope up off of the latest bench.
Penelope mournfully patted the bench and stood up. She looked around in what she deemed to be a futile attempt at figuring out their location. After a second, she let out a high pitched screech.
“I know where we are! That 24 hour supermarket there! My apartment is a block away from it!”
It turned out there was an exit in sight.
She took off running towards the supermarket with surprising speed and balance, considering the size of her heels. JJ took off after her, zig-zagging wildly but quickly, with her shoes swinging dangerously from her hands.
Emily tried to run after them. Emily landed face first in the dirt for a fifth time.
------------------------------
“Yeah, now I think about it, your face is pretty dirty too.” Penelope mused.
Emily glared at her, unimpressed. Penelope smiled back.
“I don't remember actually getting home from the park.” JJ pointed out.
“I vaguely remember being at home?” Penelope said in a questioning voice.
“I have very vague flashes, but nothing concrete.” JJ agreed.
---------------------------
Penelope was screaming hysterically.
Emily was rooting through the kitchen drawers to find a utensil to use as a weapon. Several utensils lay around the kitchen, deemed not weapon-worthy.
JJ was sobbing and holding something to Penelope's forehead
Emily’s kebab was laid on the sofa, completely forgotten about.
The curtains came down with a loud ripping noise.
And there was a snarling sound mixed into the chaos.
-----------------------------------
The silence in the living room as they all tried to jog their memories was broken by JJ's phone ringing. They all jumped as their minds were brought back to the present moment.
“Hey Will!” JJ answered her phone, putting a cheery voice on. “What's up?”
“I was going to ask you the same thing, Jennifer.” Will replied. “I was hoping you might be able to explain the voicemail you left me this morning? It's worrying, to say the least.”
JJ frowned and covered her phone, whispering frantically to Emily and Penelope.
“Did we call Will last night?”
They all exchanged looks and shrugs, shaking their heads. They didn't remember calling Will. Then again, they didn't remember large chunks of the events of last night, so it wasn't impossible.
“What voicemail do you mean?” JJ asked.
“The one at five thirty where you're all screaming loudly and hysterically for about five minutes? And I'm pretty sure somebody is sobbing?”
JJ paused for a moment.
“We'll get back to you on that one.” She decided, and promptly hung up.
Turning to Penelope and Emily, JJ's brow furrowed in thought as she tried to remember calling Will. The answer came to her as she looked at the PowerPuff Girls Band-Aid on Penelope's forehead just above her right eyebrow.
“I don't think I called Will on purpose, but I do think I know why we were hysterical.”
—---------------------------------------
They had finally made it back to Penelope’s apartment building. Penelope let them in, fumbling the keys, followed by JJ, with Emily bringing up the rear, happily munching her well-earned kebab.
“Sorry my sweets, but we'll have to do the stairs. Elevators under repair.” Penelope said sadly.
They slowly made their way up three flights of stairs, Penelope leading. They were almost at the top of the final flight when everything went wrong.
A hissing sound came from Emily’s direction, followed by a shriek. A second later, Something flew into Penelope's back and attached itself to her dress, knocking her off balance.
Penelope was knocked forward off her feet with an ear-splitting scream, as her forehead collided with the top step. Emily pounced forwards and rescued the mysterious assailant from Penelope’s back. Penelope struggled back to her feet and turned to face her friends.
JJ and Emily stared back at her with wide eyes. Penelope felt something wet drip down her forehead. She wiped at it with a finger and inspected it, panicking when she realised it was blood. JJ and Emily relieved her of her keys and hustled her into the apartment before she could start screaming in the hallway.
“Blood! I'm bleeding!” she moaned in horror as JJ ushered her into the kitchen. Emily abandoned her half eaten kebab on the couch and joined them.
“Blood!” Emily exclaimed in shock, pointing at Penelope. “Who hurt you?”
She reached into JJs pocket and dialled Will. He was the police, he could help!
“I thinks she's dying, there's so much blood!” JJ sobbed
She grabbed the nearest kitchen towel and pressed it to Penelope's forehead.
“JJ, no! That's my favourite tea towel! It has cats in yoga positions on it!” she shrieked hysterically, trying to bat JJ's hands away from her head.
“I'm trying to save your life! You're losing too much blood! Someone call 911!”
“I'm hunting down weapons! I can't find my gun but I gotta find this unsub!”
Emily looked up from where she was loudly rooting through the kitchen drawers. She had a spatula in one hand and a cheese grater in the other, with what appeared to be every single other kitchen utensil scattered around the counters. JJs phone lay forgotten on the kitchen island.
“These will do me nicely! Now which way did they go?”
“JJ, the tea towel!” Penelope's begs were becoming louder as her desperation to save her tea towel grew.
“I know Pen, but I need to save your life, I won't let you die!” JJ replied through sobs.
Penelope finally succeeded in pushing JJ's hands away from her forehead. JJ immediately calmed on realising the bleeding had stopped.
Emily noisily shushed them from the living room, where she had paused by the curtains.
“I think I found the unsub!” she whispered loudly, pointing up at the curtains rail.
They all stared for a second in horror before Emily started her attack, accompanied with sound effects. By the time she was finished, the curtain lay in tatters on the floor, ripped down from when she had tried to climb it to reach the unsub. Emily's arms were covered in scratches, and the unsub was sat on the couch eating the rest of her kebab.
“I didn't know raccoons liked kebabs.” Penelope said thoughtfully, now sporting a PowerPuff Girls Band-Aid.
—----------------------------------------
The raccoon was happily sat on the couch among the remains of the kebab, staring back at the women.
Suddenly Emily gasped.
“Rocky!” she exclaimed.
JJ and Penelope looked at her questioningly. Emily shuffled her feet awkwardly and averted her eyes.
“Well you know how I left you in the takeout place to collect my order while I went outside because I thought I was going to vomit?” She started
—-------------------------------------
Emily leaned heavily against the brick wall as she willed away the nausea. She hadn't vomited while drunk since she was sixteen and she wasn't about to start again now. She looked towards the alley at her left as she heard a loud rustling.
There was a small grey animal, with whiskers and fur and a cute nose. Emily smiled at it and crouched down.
“Hi friend!” She said happily, nausea forgotten. The animal cautiously approached her, allowing Emily to see the remaining scraps of the cardboard box that it had been fighting with.
“I'm going to call you Rocky, since you're such a fighter!” She said, scooping it up into her arms. “Sergio could use a friend!”
The raccoon hissed in response and snuggled into Emily's warmth.
—-------------------------------------
“In my defence, I think drunk me thought it was a cat?” Emily finished awkwardly
“That's an easy mistake to make sweetie.” Penelope soothed, stroking Emily’s hair comfortingly. JJ wasn't as forgiving.
“Drunk Emily is so stupid! That thing could have rabies! Get it out of here!”
Emily sighed sadly and turned to Rocky. She picked him up and stroked his head gently.
“I'm sorry buddy but I have to let you go. I don't think my landlord allows raccoons as pets.”
She opened the front door to take Rocky downstairs and came face to face with Derek and Spencer. Spencer's fist was raised as if he was about to knock.
“Hey, you guys are super late to brunch so we though- AHHHH!” Spencer shrieked, jumping backwards as he caught sight of Emily holding a raccoon.
“What on earth did you ladies do last night?” Derek asked in shock as he took in the state of the apartment.
The women just stared at each other.
“It's a long story.” They said in unison