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Gi Hun doesn't understand how he got so comfortable and close with Young Il in such little time. It's not even been a few days.
They met around 3 days ago, and he already felt different about him.
It was weird.
You still miss him, don't you?
He shook his head. He didn't want to think about this. Not now. Not in this place.
You can't get over him. You'll never get over him.
This was too much.
"GI Hun." He flinched as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Young Il's. "Are you alright?"
"I.. not really. Just... thoughts."
Young Il nods, looking at Gi Hun for a few seconds. "You can always talk with me if you need to." He said. "I'm not forcing you to, but just know I'm here for you." He smiled at him.
That made Gi Hun go red. Goddammit. Was that because he didn't get this type of comfort in a while? Was that because of Young Il's soft, tender look and tone?
He reminds you of him, doesn't he?
He tried to stop these unwelcomed thoughts by taking a deep breath. "I'll consider it. Thank you, Young Il."
"Anytime." He took his hand off Gi Hun's shoulder, giving him some time alone.
Oh, how much he missed Young Il's touch, even if it was only on the shoulder.
He tried to collect his thoughts as much as he could, but to no avail. All those thoughts came into his mind like a flood.
He doesn't mean anything to you. You only miss him. You miss the way he makes you feel. Stop lying to yourself.
Those voices kept getting louder and louder and Gi Hun couldn't do anything about it. He knew they were right. He knew deep down that no one could replace him. His soft touches. His tender words. His gentle caring.
And he hated it.
He hated that he couldn't get over him.
He tried his best to.
He can't.
Nighttime fell over the place and Gi Hun, the paranoid man he was, guarded over him and his friends' beds in case of anyone trying to kill them.
And he wasn't the only insomniac either.
Gi Hun was focusing on the other players' beds while Young Il sat next to him. "I'll take it from here. You should get some sleep."
"I am not tired. Go to bed." Gi Hun responded coldly. Colder than he wanted to. He regretted it, but it was too late now to take it back.
"You're tired." Young Il scooted just a little more close to Gi Hun, the other not even noticing.
"I'm fine. Go rest." He, in fact, was NOT fine. He was tired. Very tired. And on top of that, his unwanted thoughts kept coming and coming and couldn't for the life of him let him rest.
He found himself being turned to look at Young Il, the man having a serious and determined look on his face. "You are not fine." He spoke in a serious tone, using his hand to make Gi Hun look straight at him.
Thank God it was dark in that room, otherwise he would've seen Gi Hun's face red like a tomato. Why was such small psychical contact making his face heat up like this? It was wrong. It was so so so fucking wrong. But it felt so right.
"What's wrong, Gi Hun." Young Il spoke again. His tone and gaze softening. He was concerned about Gi Hun.
You've been in this situation before. The only difference is the person who you were with in it.
He tried to say something. Anything. The words weren't coming out. They were stuck in his throat with no way of exiting.
"Everything.." he managed to get out of him in a very low, barely audible whisper. "Everything's wrong..."
Young Il looked at him, now starting to caress softly the other's cheek with his thumb. His gaze soft, gentle, tender. Something Gi Hun hadn't experienced in a long while.
He, almost unconsciously, leaned into his touch. Craving it. The gentle, caring touch.
Is it really his touch that you're craving?
He snapped. Quickly backing his head from Young Il's hand, but not taking any step back. He was shaking. He didn't know what to do. Young Il became more and more worried.
"You're shaking." He said. "Gi Hun. You don't look fine." There was clear concert in his voice.
It hurt somehow. Gi Hun didn't like to know that people were worried because of him.
"I.. I'm-... I'm sorry... I just—" His voice was also shaking. He didn't know why he was reacting like this. He hated it. He hated it he hated it he hated it.
Young Il pulled him into a tight hug. Gi Hun wanted to pull away, but he didn't. He couldn't. He wanted this but at the same time he didn't. He wanted to feel Young Il's touch. He wanted his comfort. But at the same time, he wasn't the man he wanted comfort from. He wanted it from someone else, someone who couldn't offer the comfort he wanted so desperately.
Young Il pulled away a bit just so they would be face to face. So they could see each other. He gently wiped the tear Gi Hun didn't even realize was rolling down his cheek. Looking into his eyes. A lovingly, gentle look.
Both of them, without even realizing, leaned towards each other, their lips touching after a few seconds.
It was a tired, gentle, but needy kiss.
Everything around them stopped.
Their minds went blank.
Until.
It doesn't feel the same. Does it?
The thoughts are back.
He reminds you too much of him. You miss him. It would never be the same. No one will replace him. You'll always think about him, whether you like it or not. You still wish he was still here.
Just like it burned, Gi Hun quickly and suddenly pulled away, he didn't say anything. He got up and ran to his bed. Young Il was now alone guarding around and Gi Hun was laying in his bed trying to sleep but to no avail.
How stupid of him.
Why would he kiss him?
Why did he let him kiss him?
Why did he like it?
Why does he keep thinking about.. him?
Fast forward to the next day, Gi Hun had no sleep. He and his thoughts were awake all night. Very awake.
Young Il and him did not talk almost all day, not even during mingle.
When they turned back and no more games were left for that day, Young Il grabbed Gi Hun by the elbow, dragging him in a little more isolated place in the big room.
"You've been avoiding me all day." He said to Gi Hun, staring in his eyes. There was hurt in his eyes. "Look.. if it's about last night, I apologize... I was tired and didn't know what I was thinki—"
"It's not about that." Gi Hun said without even realizing, looking back at Young Il. "We were both tired.. we weren't thinking straight."
"If it's not that, then what is it Gi Hun?" He took a step forward. "What's wrong? You've been acting weird lately."
"It's nothing."
"It's not nothing." Young Il's patience was running thin. He hated that Gi Hun was hiding stuff from him. "Why are you acting like this."
"Acting like what? You don't even know me that well."
"I know you well enough to understand that something's bothering you."
"And what if something's bothering me?"
"Then let me help."
"I don't want help."
"Gi Hun—"
"I DON'T NEED NOR WANT YOUR HELP SANGWOO—" He snapped. He then realized what he said.
Why would he say that?
Where did that name come from?
Sangwoo is gone.
He's long gone.
He shouldn't haunt him like that.