Archive of Our Own

The Monsters gone and your Pop is here.

(Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy)

It was in the quiet of the morning when Bobby’s young, slightly charming, more than slightly self-centered, brash, way-too-horny for his own good, dumbass probie said-

“When I turned twenty-three, I was in Montana and the first person I saw was this horse right? His name was Applejack.” Buck grinned. “Loved this guy. So, it’s just him and me out in the morning because they were trying to get him to calm down, because he had so much energy and he-

“The point, Buck.” Bobby interrupted, tired eyes heavy and body feeling like it had gone under a monster truck. His shoes felt tight and his shirt was scratchy against his throat. “Just get to the point.”

“But this is important!” Buck insisted, wide eyed. The gel in his hair had begun to wear off, and the tiniest bit of curl was taking place.  “When we got new horses at the ranch-“

“Wait, your family owns a ranch?” Bobby asked against his better judgment. 

“What? No, I worked at a ranch, did you even read my resume? Whatever, so Applejack-“

Bobby sighed and then sat back in his chair to listen to Buck talk about how he spent his birthday with a horse.

It wasn’t- Bobby didn’t dislike Buck. He, regretfully, unwillingly, woefully, was growing fond of the probie. Especially since he was truly trying to do his best now.

It was just that- Buck was so damn young. He walked into rooms as loud as a heard of elephants, he butted himself right into anyone and everyone's conversation,put his feet on the coffee table like it was a given right. 

He drank milk out of the cartoon,  stuck his contaminated Buck-esqe fingers into bowls of food (despite claiming he was not hungry, not really, I had a protein bars thanks), and he had no shame about shouting questions up to the loft when he was on the base level. 

Buck was always asking questions. 

"Bobby can I call you Bob?"

"How long ago was the station built?"

"Are we the 118 because we were the one-hundred-eighteenth station built in general?"

"Does anyone want to go to trivia night with me?"

"Can we get a house dog? Can it be a dalmatian?" 

"Can we have casual Fridays?"

He wasn’t all bad, of course. In any conversation he joined he always made sure to listen to everyone and asked questions, always made sure everyone was included. He was a pretty good helper in the kitchen, always so precise when he was chopping up whatever busy work Bobby slid over to him.

Next to the actual EMTs, Buck was one of his best crewmates to know exactly what and where anything in the ambulance was, and sprung into action whenever anything was needed. Which was good, considering Buck would sometimes follow Hen around like he was a piece of gum stuck on her sole.

Buck could go on and on and on about anything, even the weather. It was like the kid just liked to be heard. He probably had it in his mind “Wow, I am so cool, everyone in the tristate area needs to know!”

Bobby blamed it on bad parenting. For sure Buck’s parents spoiled him completely rotten. Probably told him at every chance “Oh, Buck you’re so smart and brave! You’re going to be the President of the United States! Look how handsome you are! Here’s some money so you can travel the world! Love you my little smushy-kins!”

It was the only explanation why Buck’s head was so big. That, or there was an air balloon permanently nested in his tiny dumbass brain.

However, Bobby still liked the idiot. He was sweet in a “oh I just found this stray dog and he knows absolutely nothing but look how cute he is (just don’t touch him he probably has diseases)” type of way.

He was good with children, better than most on his crew. He was usually the first to have already changed and sitting for the early meeting. Most days the last to leave, waiting for Bobby so he could walk out with him.

“So I’m out there trying to get Applejack to calm down, right?” Buck continued. He had started getting his own morning drink ready- a cup of cream, sugar, caramel, and an ash of coffee in a cup. “But then he gives me one look and stops, turns, and shits-“

Bobby pushed back from the table. “All right, I’ve heard enough.”

Buck frowned, milk mustache and all. Ridiculous. “But I haven’t gotten to the part where-“

“Save it for another day Buck.” Bobby said wearily, patting him on the shoulder as he walked away.

He heard the dumbass huff behind him but Bobby didn’t really care. As it was, his patience had already been spread thin from the long shift.

Truth be told Bobby didn’t want to make it a habit of being friendly with his subordinates. He needed them to be well oiled machine on their own, so if anything were to… happen… to Bobby, they wouldn’t have been left floundering.

Hen and Chimney had been solid rocks since the day Bobby met them. They deserved someone who was going to be able to back them up the way they deserved to be.

Bobby had never regretted taking Buck back, especially when Sergeant Grant of all people to speak about him with open respect. He’s gonna die early, but I’ll trust him until that she had said to Bobby.

However,  Bobby didn’t have that well of a read on Buck at that point beyond dumbass and heartfelt. While he did have some questions (seriously, who the hell were his parents and when are they coming to get this strange feral man-child), he ultimately didn’t want to know.

If he got to know more about his crew- not just Buck, but any of them – it could he harder on them if Bobby actually followed through on his plan. He didn’t want to cause trouble, all he wanted was to maybe be some faint memory of someone going to a concert with his boss.

That was all.

Until…well, until Buck and Hen had pulled his ass out of bed.

Buck hadn’t left Bobby for seven days. He made himself at home on Bobby’s couch, bought him snacks, ate said snacks, and made an arrangement of dinners that had Bobby yearning for the bottle.

But he was also the one giving keeping the lights low and cold towels handy.  He didn’t say anything when Bobby would snap at him for listening to his music to loud, or when he’d slam the bedroom door shut.

When Bobby would come out later and apologize, Buck would only shrug. “It’s literally the least I can do Bobby. Besides, your place is a lot my calmer than mine.”

Bobby felt horrible for monopolizing all of the young man’s time. But he couldn’t bring himself to kick Buck out, so grateful that Buck was trusting him.

It was so incredibly selfish that it took that week for Bobby to come to the realization that Buck was not just some dumb ass kid.

Buck didn’t owe anything to Bobby- he could have turned around and rubbed the alcohol in his face, accusing him of firing him for no reason. Shit, he should have at least reported Bobby for shoving him against the truck.

He didn’t. It took Bobby telling the chiefs what had happened. 

And it scared Bobby. If Buck was that loyal to a man he had barely known, to a intoxicated captain who was trusted with the survival of dozens of the bravest men and woman in the city, then what other character traits could Bobby grow to appreciate? 

He both hated and was in awe of it. He also didn't want to see it, not those first weeks. 

Bobby didn’t want a babysitter. He wanted to be left alone with his empty table plates, to talk to his kids and one day maybe get to apologize in front of them.

Each time Buck came over, every burnt breakfast sandwich and sickly-sweet tea, it got harder and harder for Bobby to think about…about going.

How could it not? 

(The alcohol withdrawal certainly made it easy enough to think about ending it all, good fucking god.)

When Bobby returned to work (sober!), he made a promise to himself:

Do not get close to anyone. Give only positive comments about his recovery,

Then, on stupid Valentines Day, Bobby was called to the hospital.

“Don’t you want to call your parents?” Bobby asked the next morning. It was just him and Buck in the room, Abby having gone home to check on her mother.

Buck winced when Bobby said anything. He shook his head.

“Why not?” Bobby questioned.

I don’t want to worry them Buck had written out on the dry erase board. He was frustrated that, after a whole fourteen hours, his throat wasn’t healed enough to speak without some discomfort. By the time they come to California I’d already be healed. What’s the point, you know?

Bobby didn’t like the answer, but who was he to argue? Maybe his parents really were so loving of Buck that they’d have a heart attack at seeing their precious baby boy hurt.

As time went on and Buck proved himself again and again about just how competent and qualified, he truly was as a firefighter, taking to it like duck on water. Bobby still had that one thought echoing from before (but no longer thought in negative tense):

You must have been the most spoiled kid in Pennsylvania.

Bobby would understand- Buck was a good kid. Having never mentioned any family, Bobby had assumed he was an only child.

Until his sister came back into his life. For God’s sake, when was Bobby going to stop making assumptions?

Buck had come into the station grinning ear to ear.  

“Abby come back?” Hen asked when Buck came up into the kitchen area.

Bobby looked up from the eggs he had scrambled, smacking Chimneys spoon away.

Buck shook his head. “Nope! My sister came to visit!”

Not even seeing Eddie, who Buck was loathing, put a damper on Buck’s sunny opposition. Buck even patted him on the shoulder as he made his way to the fridge, not seeing how Bobby, Hen, and Chimney were all looking at one another.

Did you know? Did YOU know? The three of them silently communicated, each shaking their head.

Bobby just couldn’t look at Buck and think sibling. He had only child syndrome out the wazzoo, especially with Eddie.

“…You have a sister?” Bobby asked carefully, keeping his voice light. “How come you’ve never mentioned her?”

Buck, who was pouring orange juice, shrugged. He didn’t meet anyone’s eyes as he answered, “Never came up.”

Bobby frowned, looking to Chimney and Hen. He was sure that was a bold face lie- at one point or other, they all talked about their family. He could see the confusion on their faces to, all accept Eddie who was putting way too much sugar into his morning coffee.

Bobby tried to remember anything Buck had said. Surely, he dropped something about his family, even a complaint? Oh my parents didn’t pay for my car they SUCK, something stupid like that.

But…nothing.

“Huh.” Bobby said.

“…I have two sisters.” Eddie said.

Aaaand there went Buck’s smile.

It did make Bobby happy that Eddie only seemed amused at Buck’s jealousy. Again, he displayed so much only-child syndrome.

Nevertheless, Bobby was glad to know this new fact about Buck. Yet he was also bothered that it took over a year for it to come into light, and only because this Maddie had decided to come visit her brother.

Bobby could admit that it rubbed him in the wrong way. There was no doubt about Buck’s love for his sister- he couldn’t even keep glowering at Eddie for daring to breathe. Buck was genuinely so excited that his sister was in LA- he was just being tight lipped about who she was as a person.

(Hen tried to rope Bobby into a bet that Maddie was a working girl that Buck hired to pretend to be related to Abby to alleviate his ever-growing loneliness. Chimney thought Maddie was actually a drug dealer that had followed Buck across state lines to get his money back, and he was so far in denial that his mind broke.)

Later, in the quiet of the night where almost everyone had gone off to some corner to have some time alone, Buck quietly said “I think she’s running from something.”

It was the two of them. Buck was hunched overlooking unusually small as he admitted this information to Bobby.

Later, when everyone was sleeping, Bobby had gone into Buck’s file. He wanted to see if there was anything, anything at all about his life before he became a firefighter.

Aside from a few jobs ranging from Montana down to Latin America, there was nothing. Buck’s file was like an example one you’d use to train high schoolers on how to make a resume.

Buck’s emergency contact was still Bobby.

For the very first time, Bobby didn’t think only child syndrome when he saw Buck. He wasn’t exactly sure what he did think, but it sure as he’ll was the exact opposite.

“Dumbass, idiot, to horny for his own good” still came to his mind, but now there was a sister. It suddenly struck Bobby that Buck- he had a whole life before coming to Los Angelous.

Of course he knew that, obviously. He had only met him a year ago. A year was a long time, and it seemed to be that Bobby, maybe, knew nothing about Evan Buckley.

That was a lie- he knew Buck, even a little.

Despite that dumbassery, Buck was truly a bright man. He had become an asset to Bobby with the way he thought, how he was able to see the world just on this side of different from anyone else, see how things could work together.

He was an excellent driver for the engine. Not everyone could do that- but Buck drove it like it was second nature, took care of it like it was his baby.

Usually, he was a great personality that melded with everyone else. He was easy going-

Actually, no. Buck was not easy going. Buck was kind of anal, and now that he wasn’t a probie anymore he was letting more of that shine through.

Why are the books lined up like we’re in a daycare room, why are the hoses not all rolled up neatly, am I the only one who knows where the microwave approved soap is for cleaning the inside of it?

Not easy-going, but he was easy to get along with (if your name wasn’t Eddie). Buck wore his heart out on his sleeve, unable to hide what he was feeling.

He was still that dumbass kid, but Bobby willingly enjoyed being around him. Truth be told, he would even mind taking more of a mentorship like role in Buck’s life. Kid could certainly use it…

Before Bobby could sit down and let that idea play out, the kid went into an ambulance that could possibly blow up.

Only child syndrome for fucking sure Bobby though, watching in disbelief and fear as his new probie and Buck made their way into a bomb on wheels.

At least, the incredibly least, Buck learned to be friendly with Eddie.

Time had gone on. Bobby watched Buck fall out of love with Abby, watched him grow more and more sure of his place in the 118.

Bobby felt that old promise to himself crumble.  

But, truly, would it be bad? To be almost friends with his coworker? With Buck, who was so obvious in his wants of a mentor from Bobby. Like a…like a fath-

Like that uncle who showed up every so often to the family function. Sure, he wasn’t an integral part of the family, but he did drop wisdom and he almost made sure to be there for chil- nephews.

Bobby could do that.

When Buck was blown up, Bobby was sure the agonizing grip around his organs was from guilt. Only guilt. There couldn’t be anything else- there wouldn’t be.

Buck had grown steadily into a caring, thoughtful young man. Bobby placed a lot of that on Eddie- or, more specifically, Eddie’s son.

Christopher was a charming kid. He was easy with his smiles, snarky, and a little sponge that soaked up everything he came across. Bobby was informed that Chris actually stayed with Buck the entire time Eddie was with Shannon at the hospital.

At first Bobby was worried that Buck was forcing himself a little too much into Eddie’s life. He was a day away from sitting down to talk to him about boundaries when-

“Hey, keep Saturday free, we’re going to the arts and craft fair on Monica.” Eddie greeted Buck from the entrance of the firestation.  He must have been waiting at the doors, his duffle was still in hand. “Be at my place at 10, alright? Abuela is making us breakfast!”

Bobby, was walking in with Buck, watchef as the man grinned. “Okay, no problem!”

Which was strange considering not even four seconds before that Buck was talking about a brunch date he had lined up with Ali.

Nevertheless, it warmed Bobby something fierce to see those two become such good friends. Best friends, in fact.

Buck brought out a certain goofiness in Eddie, and Eddie brought out a maturity in Buck that Bobby never thought was going to be seen in the light of day. Between the Diaz boys and Maddie, Bobby had never seen Buck so genuinely happy.

Until that damn bomb.

Two weeks after the accident, Bobby had walked into Buck’s hospital room to find Maddie with her head in her hands.

“Anything I can help with?” Bobby asked cautiously, setting down his coffee on the stand next to a sleeping Buck’s bed.

Maddie lifted her head. Her eyes were hard, jaw set. She reminded Bobby of when Buck was running into fire. “No, no. It’s alright. Thank you, Captain.”

Bobby tsked and sat in the chair opposite her. “Maddie, I’ve seen your brother’s bare butt cheeks more than I would ever have liked. I think we can move on from formalities.”

Had Bobby seen Buck’s butt, yes. The locker rooms were made of glass and Buck had no shame on days he didn’t do laundry.

Maddie sighed, some tension releasing from her shoulders. “It’s our- how much has Buck spoken about our parents?”

The question threw Bobby for a loop. “Um, I don’t think he’s ever said anything about them.”

(He was not going to mention how he previously thought Buck was a spoiled rotten. There was being open, and then there was sheer stupidity.)

Maddie nodded. “Ah. Well, then that pretty much sums up who they are to one another.” She grimaced. “Who we all are to each other, I guess.”

Bobby didn’t need to read minds to know she was thinking back to when they all met her, and how surprised they still were to know Buck had a sister in the first place.

To alleviate the awkward tension, Bobby “Are they…not coming?”

He wasn’t too sure how he had felt about the Buckley parents. He thought for sure they’d travel after Maddie had her incident with Doug, but perhaps they were dissuaded from Maddie because of the police report. Afterall, the woman had fought her way back from hell. It could have been all she wanted was space.

(And Buck hadn’t left her side for almost two weeks. Maddie had to actually drop Buck off at work and told someone to take him home like he was a puppy. Eddie happily did it.)

So Maddie stared at the floor, face so pinched that the scar on her hairline pulled, Bobby felt ice form in the pit of his stomach.

No way, no fucking way. He was wrong, he was assuming the worst. He just had to be patient and not jump to conclusions.

Eventually she sighed and shook her head. “No. They’re not. Seeing Buck like this would be- be too painful for them.”

She spit out that last part as if it were a curse. It was to Bobby.

He had to grind his teeth together to remind himself to keep his words to himself. Surviving on a total of four hours of sleep, he was able to just do so.

Maddie looked up at him when he didn’t see anything. He tried to school his features, but she smiled weakly. “It’s fine, Captain. Really, I don’t think Buck would want them to be here anyways.”

Which was such a bullshit line. Did Maddie not see how much Buck craved any kind of attention?

“They were…” She continued. “They bad for him, sir. I don’t even think they realize how much they changed when-“

Bobby cocked and eyebrow when Maddie choked off. Maddie only had eyes on her brother, the lines that connected his body to various machines. His entire leg in a cast.

At some point Eddie must have snuck Chris in here to say hello. The evidence was the tiny drawing of a lizard, and a squiggly Chris Wuz Here! in green above Buck’s knee, one of the least painful areas. Bobby was willing to bet the drawing of a circle with a smiley face was Eddie’s work. 

“They’re good people.” Maddie said quietly. “And at one point they were really good parents. The type that would…would do anything for their children.”

As she spoke, she reached over to grip Buck’s limp hand, bringing it up closer to herself so she could kiss his knuckles.

Maddie loved her brother, that much was sure.

“At least you guys had one another.” Bobby said with conviction. “Being nine years older could have been a big spacer between you two, I’m glad to see that you guys are so close.”

Maddie nodded. “For a while we weren’t- since he was nineteen, we barely spoke.”

Her voice cracked on the last words. “He sent me post cards when he was gone, but I could never answer them. I…I didn’t want to answer them, because I knew he’d come back. I didn’t want him to, he needed to go out and find where he could be happy.”

Bobby could understand- especially considering the situation Maddie was in with her ex-husband, it made sense for her to be fearful of the consequences of her leaving. Look at what happened a few months back.

Maddie had it bad, and Bobby was sure that Buck wouldn’t blame anything on her.

Yet her horrible, horrible situation didn’t undermine Buck being practically alone for years on end, having no family whatsoever.

Hatred bloomed in Bobby’s chest for the invisible Buckley parents even more.

Maddie shut her eyes. She squeezed Buck’s hand hard before letting go gently, standing up. “Well. I’m going to try them one more time; if anything I can get them to pay for the stay.”

Bobby frowned. “But the LAPD is footing the bill...?"

“I know.” Maddie smiled. A lock of hair fell out of her bun, kissing her cheekbone. “But they don’t.”

She leaned down to kiss Buck’s forehead, pulling her phone out of her jean pocket. “Are you going to be here long?”

“A bit.” Bobby said, trying to keep himself from smiling at the soft-extortion Maddie was about to pull. He was fully intending on sitting right here for at least two hours. Even put on his most comfortable boxers that should have been thrown out a while ago (Athena laughed at him for a solid six minutes when he brought them out).

She smiled at him and left, phone already dialing.

He settled back into the chair, pulling out a notepad to plan meals for the week and-

“You’d think that she’d lose faith by now.” Said a low, crackly voice.

“Anyone ever tell you eavesdropping is rude?” Bobby shot back warmly.he settled his notebook and pen on the table and leaned forward.

Buck, awake, looked… he looked so sad. “They didn’t come for her. They should have at least come for her, you know? I mean, she almost died.”

“…You almost died.” Bobby reminded him. He knew what shock could do to a person- it was very possible that Buck could have already blocked out the whole incident.

The young man in the bed may have forgotten, but Bobby would never forget Buck’s limp prove underneath the firetruck.

The blood pooling in his hair, how cold he was when Bobby could finally get to him, how much it must have ached to have his body twisted the way it was…

Buck shook his head and shifted his gaze to the wall. “I called them, you know. When Maddie was found. It was…it was the first time I had talked to them in about 7, maybe 8 years.”

Bobby hummed, slowly nodding his head. “Are they… did you hear that…?”

“They’re not coming, yeah. That, how stupid it is that I’m a firefighter, how hard it is for them that I’m in the hospital.” Buck tried to grit his jaw, but his meds weren’t allowing him to have full control over his fine motor skills. “Other things. Honestly, I missed when we weren’t speaking. It was easier.”

Wouldn’t want them to come all the way to California.

No, it’s because they would have told him they weren’t coming to California. It’s easier to pretend they would consider it instead of knowing they wouldn’t.

Bobby looked back up to his bruised face. His  blue eyes were hazy, the hospital light casting long shoes over his cheekbones. He wondered how cold he was.

The idea of Buck being cold gripped Bobby heart in a cage, rattling it until his entire bloodstream felt like it was going to give up with no notice.

To distract himself, Bobby stood up and reached toward the rehabilitation pamphlets and forms that were handed out the other day. 

They weren't yet all the way filled out, what with Buck barely being aware of it for longer then a few minutes without any internal pain. 

“You got some rehab ahead of you.” Bobby whistled low. “Uh, lots of it.”

At least six weeks of it, and at the bare minimum another surgery followed by another two weeks of rehab.

“Lots and lots an…and lot…” Buck mumbled.

Bobby looked up, aw that Buck was slowly losing consciousness.

He sighed and leaned back. “Anyone tell you it’s rude to fall asleep when your elders were talking?”

As Buck began to snore, Bobby took one more look at the rehab forms. Thankfully the LAFD was footing the bill- they’d probably go to court with Costas to get their money back. Whatever, as long as they stayed the hell away from Buck for the time being.

Looking at Buck’s immediate future, Bobby felt his insides twist. Even if Buck managed to make a full and complete recovery (a chance in a million), and even if  he was cleared to come back to active duty, would he ever really be okay?

This was the same man who once got hit in the face with a bowling ball and didn’t tell anyone he had a slight concussion until a week later. This is the same man who walked onto exploding ambulances. He choked on bread.

Chances were that Buck was going to be in pain for a long, long time. Maybe even the rest of his life, suffering in silence like he seemed to always do.

He gritted his teeth, deep in thought as he went over the rehab forms.

He went to the last page where, for emergency contact, there was-

Edmundo Diaz, Friend. Maddie Buckley, (here the last name had been scribbled twice), family. Robert Nash,

Blank.

Bobby sighed. Right. Yeah, of course, it shouldn’t bother Bobby that he was Blank. And it didn’t! Buck was part of his crew, under his command. There was absolutely no reason for Bobby to-

“This is so illegal.” Bobby muttered, scribbling in Family friend next to his own name.

He went through the rest of the forms, filing in his own name where there were various blanks.

Who do we call in case of injury, would you like a partner to help with motivation, parents or guardian-

(Bobby most definitely did not put his name for that at least. He just made sure to let the rehabilitation know that he was an option to call when Buck was sure to get frustrated.)

Buck was certainly shocked when Bobby showed up in the second day to help Buck learn to walk again. Each day Buck got more and more frustrated at what he couldn’t do, that made Bobby more and more sure that he was never going to be cleared for active duty again.

Truth be told, Bobby was almost glad about that.  He knew Buck was going to be pissed about it, might try to go to the chiefs to change their mind, but he’s a strong man. He’d be able to accept it and find contentment in manning behind. Buck would love being a fire Marshall.

Yeah, Bobby was so sure that Buck was never going to be running into buildings anymore. Bobby saw how hard Buck was pushing himself- he was working hard, but it didn’t seem to be enough. There was absolutely, positively, almost certain, that Buck was-

“-Cleared for active duty.” Bobby said out loud, in his office, reading and rereading the email.

No fucking way. No way he was. However, Bobby had no choice but to trust the captain watching the obstacle course.

Bobby would have to learn that sometimes he was wrong.

Only to be proven immediately right when Buck started puking blood on his back porch, choking on it, scaring the hell out of everyone who knew him.

But still, even on the blood thinners, Buck was approved for active duty.

No way in fucking hell was Bobby going to allow that, no way. Bobby didn’t trust Buck to know what was best for himself, so Bobby was going to do it all by himself.

Buck would understand.

(In a genuinely shocking turn of events, Buck did not understand.)

(And, additionally shocking but not really,  Bobby needed to reevaluate how to approach his relationship with Buck. Athena had mentioned it, after him and Buck had tentatively .made up.)

“He was cleared, Bobby.” Athena said, curled up on their bed. “It’s not like the LAFD want to keep paying hospital bills, you know.”

“But they didn’t see him when he was recovering!” Bobby did not exclaim loudly, of course not. He was being very rational. “You know how many times he fell?”

“Bobby- “

“Seven times! One of them tore cartilage because the bone wasn’t fully healed! How come no one but me knows these things?”

Bobby stood up, busying himself by picking out tomorrow’s outfit. “I was with him the entire time. I saw how many times he failed, I was there to help him. They don’t get it.”

“Okay. Okay, you know his weaknesses.” Athena said. “But is that all you see?”

“What?” Bobby whipped his head around, one shirt in his hand. “Of course not!”

For every weakness Buck had, there were two strengths to combat it.

Athena nodded and kneeled up, reaching over to put her hands on his shoulders when he walked closer. “Do you trust Buck?”

“Yes.” Bobby said without hesitation. “Just not around lawyers.”

Buck had explained how he didn’t want a lawsuit, he just wanted someone to be on his side to help him argue his point of view.

And…yeah. Yeah. Bobby could see where Buck was coming from.

Chimney had a whole rebar through his skull, back to work a few weeks later. Eddie’s wife dying in front him, back to work the next day.

Fuck, even himself. Bobby, showing up to work drunk, shoving Buck against the engine. Back to work shortly after.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed.” Buck had said over a bagel, picking the bread. “But I can get heated in the moment. I just wanted someone who was going to be able to argue with me, not argue against you guys. I never wanted to sue you, I just wanted to have an actual conversation to let me say what I was thinking without screwing myself over.”

…but didn’t Buck see that Bobby was fighting along side him?

“All he wanted was someone to point out everything else that happened to my crew.” Bobby sighed, sitting down on the bed. “He didn’t trust himself to have a rational conversation, thought he would get to mad to be taken seriously.”

“That’s…that’s a very mature thing to admit.” Athena praised.

Bobby nodded. “It is, and I can see where he’s coming from. But-“

“But, in this case, you let your favoritism get in the way.” Athena interrupted. She held up a hand. “Buck is still an idiot for not realizing that the lawyer was going to put a lawsuit out on the LAFD, those soul sucking assholes.”

Bobby nodded. “I now understand why, at least. But-“

He broke off, looking away.

There was a feeling od unsettlement in his body, anxiety and anger thrumming in veins. It traveled, curling in the space between his teeth, replacing the atoms in his muscles.

“He almost died.” Bobby forced out. Each time he blinked he saw Buck lying on the pavement. “By the time I got to him ‘Thena, he was so damn cold. He isn’t getting that! He doesn’t understand how-“

He stood up and threw his arms out, staring at her. “He doesn’t understand how amazing it is he’s breathing right now! Nas his parents- Athena, his parents don’t even care! Not for Maddie, not for him. They’re not appreciating the fact that their kids ARE ALIVE!”

Bobbly slammed his eyes shut and turned away, gripping onto the dresser. Over the blood roaring in his ears, he could hear Athena get out of bed.

After a moment he felt her hand between his shoulder blades, one going down to hold his hanging one. She didn’t say anything.

For a long time they stood there. Henry and May were over at their fathers, so the house was quiet except for his breathing.

Behind his lids he saw Brooke’s hair in braids. He saw Robert’s arms covered in paint.

(For one moment he saw Buck frowning as he lost a game of monopoly to Hen.)

“It’s not fair.” Bobby spit out. “They’re good kids.”

“I know.”

“They deserve a good family.”

He loathed to admit, but he wanted to say Buck deserved a good family. It wasn’t fair to the eldest Buckley sibling, yet Bobby didn’t have the same connection then he did with Buck.

He thought back to what Buck said in the hospital after the incident. They should have at least come for Maddie. He recalled the fire in Maddie’s eyes after the conversation with their parents.

It could be that they were all the family they needed.

No, that didn’t settle right. Buck wanted a sort of parental figure. The proof enough was how jealous he was when Bobby hired-

Bobby sighed through his nose and opened his eyes. He refused to let himself finish that thought, knowing it would just be a can of worms he did not need to open.

However, when his body finally was able to relax in the early morning enough for sleep, one line filtered throughout his mind.

Look how jealous Buck was when I hired a new probie.

Bobby tried to distance himself emotionally. He knew he was heading down a dangerous path, but it wasn’t too late to rectify it.

He still cooked with Buck, but he didn’t go to anymore concerts. He didn’t invite them out for dinner (often), he didn’t ask any questions about Buck's obvious crush on Eddie, and he never ever talk about his health.

But sure, if Buck’s jeep broke down on the side of the road Bobby would go and help. And if Bobby just happened to want someone to come grocery shopping with him during the shifts and just so happened to make Buck’s favorite… well that just means that some other people should start producing dinner suggestions.

(“How come you never make me pork-chops?” Chimney had asked yesterday. “This is the third time this month you’ve made lasagna. Nobody likes lasagna this much, this is becoming a sick obsession.”

“Put it on the list.” Bobby shot back, busy watching Buck heat up his fourth plate of leftovers because Eddie stole his previous one.

Chim sighed. “White men always stick together.”)

Bobby thought he was doing okay with keeping space. Really. Honestly.

And then-

Well. Then there was Daniel Buckley.

In the harsh light of the hospital room, the blinds closed, Bobby had just gotten his heart to beat regularly.

In his hands he was gripping onto a paper cup. The room was silent, save for Buck’s breathing.

Bobby didn’t mind. He’d trade a thousand of everything just to be able to know Buck was breathing.

It’s dangerous territory. He tried reasoning with himself that he’d feel this way about all of his crew. It was true- true to an extent.

He just…no. No, he’s not going to think about the difference between them. Absolutely not.

In the silent hospital room, Buck sighed.

Bobby sat up in his uncomfortable chair. “How are you doing, Buck?”

Buck opened has eyes. All the soot had been cleared off, hair combed back. Hen had brought him an extra change of clothes a while back.

“I thought…” he frowned. “I’m not- I’m not used to. To…this. And I’m mad at myself for- for only seeing it now.”

The way he was talking made no sense to Bobby. Used to what?

“All of this –“ Buck waved his hand around. “ – Was because of a box, you know. They gave Maddie a box full of her childhood. Pictures and, and bracelets she made, some art. Diplomas.” He grimaced. “And I feel bad because… well, I didn’t really see much from after Daniel. I don’t even know if they touched it since he died.”

“It could have been too painful.” Bobby supplied half-heartedly. He didn’t feel like defending Buck’s parents.

Buck grimaced. “Yeah. Or…or it was because they would have had to add me in there.”

Buck’s self-deprecation had ebbs and flowed as the years came. Usually Bobby was able to point out the other side- No, Abby ‘ghosting’ you was not because you say caramel weird. No, not everyone in the world hates you you tired and cranky little thing, you haven’t met everyone in the world yet, please go to bed before I kill you. No one is thinking about how you told the patient last week to have a good day after they went into surgery for getting their foot stuck in a toilet.

So when he said “Do you think she’s in yours?”

And Buck said “No. They don’t have one for me.”

And Bobby said “What? A box? Maybe it’s digital-“

But then Buck went “No, I mean they don’t have anything.”

Bobby said “Oh.”

Oh.

That couldn’t have been…no. No! That was insane! To not have- no! They couldn’t have hated a child that much, to not ever save- no!

Bobby blinked down at the floor, trying to regain some composure. Surely Buck didn’t know that, right? Maybe he was wrong. There had to be some sort of physical evidence that Evan James Buckley was a child, even if it was just height carved into the doorframe.

But when he looked up and saw Buck, Buck who only hours ago said “If you guys hadn’t come –“, who loved living so goddamn much, who-

Who was so fucking lonely when he came to the 118, his emergency contact was his boss.

Bobby sucked in air sharply through his nose.

“I’m okay.” Buck murmured, eyes red. He tried to smile at Bobby but it only made him look so tired. “I guess it’s just…I kind of feel better. Like, this whole time it wasn’t me. I didn’t make them hate me, I didn’t do anything bad to them. I just…I just lived, and Daniel didn’t. They lived, and Daniel didn’t.”

It wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair, not form the second the Buckley’s chose which egg to implant.

But, as much as Bobby hated the Buckley’s, he could understand.

Losing a child…there’s nothing, nothing in the world as painful.

You’re not losing just your blood, you’re losing a daughter that’s first words were Dada. You’re losing the sweet little boy who collected rock after rock and kept them by the doorframe so they would still see the outside world, you lose the funny little girl who fed her dolls bottles of apple juice after watching her mommy do it, you’re losing the son who would carried around his favorite book and read it out loud, no matter the time.

You’re losing people who you had known their entire lives, who had their own opinions and thoughts and voices, oh Bobby would give anything to hear his children fight over whose turn it was over the GameCube again.

So yes, yes Bobby could understand going catatonic after losing a child.

But he will never understand treating the ones that survived like they were gone to.

Bobby will never, ever, understand looking at Buck and thinking you are the reminder, as if it wasn’t a good thing that they could have a boy who reminded them of Daniel.

Bobby just knew Buck was the type of kid to bring home stray cats, who fed then secretly on the porch, not minding how skinny they were or how patchy their fur was. He imagined Buck as the type of student to read during class and wonder why he did so poor on tests.

He must have been the kind of kid who had permanent skinned knees, the soles of his feet dirty as he ran through the grass. Buck definitely ate dirt, he was a weird one like that.

He sighed and reached over to grip Buck’s shoulder tight.

The corners of Buck’s mouth turned down. “I asked them if they could love me.” He shook his head sadly. “They um…They didn’t say anything.”

The air punched out of Bobby’s lungs. How much could this kid even take? “Buck-“

“But that’s good, okay?” Buck’s lip trembled. “Because it- they don’t know me. So they can’t hate me. And- and I don’t need them. I have, I have Chris and Maddie, and-and I got my future niece and Eddie and you and-“

He coughed. “I mean, I have the entire 118. I have a village, and I known that long before today. So, so I don’t need them to like me. Or love me.”

Bobby nodded. He tried not to let his heart break into a million pieces.

Buck didn’t speak of him- of anyone- like consolation prizes. He said it as if they were all important, the most important in his life.

It wasn’t easy to earn this spot in Buck’s heart, Bobby knew that. For as much as Buck gave and gave, he kept his love to himself for a very long time, twisting it and turning it until he didn’t think himself worthy to receive it back.

Now look at him. Not even a day ago he had learned his family had lied to him his whole life, that he was only put on this earth to save a brother he would never know.

As much as Bobby hated the Buckley’s, he was more thankful to them for making Buck who he was.

It was maybe the most selfish thought Bobby had ever had.

 “Yeah, you got us.”

Buck nodded back. He shifted in his seat a little. “…did all that sound better out loud? I feel like it was a little hallmark-y.”

“Well.” Bobby smiled. “Lose the snot, and you got yourself a future in Ted Talks.”

Buck closed his eyes and leaned back once again. “Great. If I ever quit or get fired again, remind me of that.”

A dangerous thought:

You should have been mine.

((Another dangerous thought:

Oh. A boot. Those could fit a lot I would think.))

Boots, as Bobby happily found out, could fit a whole ‘lotta shit.

“Dear Marcie,

I don’t know if you’ve been watching me, or if you’ve had better things to do with yourself.

But if you ever felt pity for me, and saw my life, I hope you’ve seen this man who-who-

Forgive me honey, I can’t. I-I, it wouldn’t be for me, okay? It would never be for me if he lived, I know that. He deserves it, more than me, more then- then almost anyone I know.

He’s not a replacement for Brooke or Robert, you know that. You know I wake up and they are the first thing on my mind, you know they’re the last thing I say goodnight to. And you would also know that Buck is-Buck is- Buck would have made such a good big brother.

I know what you must be thinking – who am I to ask for such a great gift?  I must have the gall the size of the country of Russia to ask for such a, such a gift.

Me, the man whose foolishness led to the death of his family.

But if you were to do one miracle, I promise to love him as much as I loved our first babies. I won’t hide from it anymore, I won’t push him away or make him go through life ever thinking I am not here for him.

I’ll listen to everyone word he speaks beca-. Ah, Marcie, he deserves to be heard! He’s not ready to go quietly, he has more to say! More to do and more to see and maybe even get to fall in love!

He’s not blood but…but he’s mine. He’s my kid, he’s my kid. He has a whole family out here who needs him and if he’s gone…I don’t know if any of us will survive it. It doesn’t feel like we would.

I love you, I never stopped. I will never stop thinking about our babies, here or there. Never will.”

(Bobby never told anyone what he would have done if Buck didn’t survive. He thought maybe Athena might have known. They didn’t talk about it, but Bobby caught Athena kissing Buck’s unconscious, tubeless, breathing form hard on the forehead, murmuring thank you, thank you so low that he almost didn’t catch it.

He almost didn’t, he was crying so hard. He was holding his brown rosary in his heads whispering Thank you, thank you.)

((There was his gift, the one he’s had since the warehouse fire so many years ago that was half filled and slightly stinking up his office. He almost wanted to give it away then, when he was sitting in that hospital room playing Go-fish with the very man he’d thought he’d have to bury.

However…however it wasn’t time yet. Bobby needed what it seemed Buck was trying very hard not to have, but Bobby needed strength and time.))

“Dear Brooke and Robert,

I’m sorry it took so long, but thank you for being patient with your dumb old dad. I did it!

I did it.

I love you two, so much. So, so much.

Love, Dad.”

All of this, plus a million moments in-between, brought Bobby to this moment:

Ten years seven months to the day later, standing out side the Diaz residence. With a gross boot.

The boot truly was disgusting. It happens- sticking a hard working firefighter into a rubber boot for hours at a time, eventually it’s gonna smell funky. Usually they throw them out.

But six years ago Bobby thought it would have been funny to have a boot instead of a box. Also, he wasn’t exactly sure when he would be giving it to Buck. The decision was pretty easy when he turned up one day, E-C curled around his ring finger. Eddie had B-C.

By the time Buck was getting married, Eddie had already established him as Christopher’s parent.

Who were those idiots kidding- Buck had all but jumped at the opportunity the moment Eddie admitted he had a kid, all those years ago. Bobby didn’t even know there was such a thing at the time, but still.

Still.

Over the years Bobby was lucky enough to watch this dumb, brash, way to horny for his own good, insecure twenty-six year old become turn an intelligent, brave, kind hearted, still to horny for his own good (seriously, guys, stop making out at the station we can all see you), more secure thirty-six year old.

Oh he was still the same man- he laughed obnoxiously at his own jokes, had a hell of time trying to keep his happiness to himself.

And that’s what Buck was now- he was happy.

He was marrying his best friend (Lordy, those idiots tried to keep their relationship a secret at first, but Buck was grinning so much the next day and Eddie’s kept sighing each time he even glanced at Buck, wasn’t hard to guess). He was, legally, father to the little boy he had been helping raise for years already.

He talked a little more to his parents, especially after Buck had explained the only reason, they were so shocked of his coming out with ex-boyfriend was because-“

(“They said, Buck we don’t care if you’re gay! But why are you seeing someone so much older than you?”  Buck had laughed across the station counter a few mornings after, helping Bobby cut some asparagus. “My mom even said Buck, just because we were bad parents does not mean we're hateful.”)

Bobby could say he was genuinely shocked, but pleasantly so. Finally Buckley’s had said one redeeming quality about themselves.

Bobby had thought that, after seven years, Buck would finally have a bigger part of their lives. Maybe Buck wouldn’t need Bobby as much.

Selfishly, Bobby was glad that that wasn’t the case. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Now, Bobby knew that Tommy wasn’t going to be the person Buck would stay with forever. He was sure Buck cared for him, oh of course- and maybe, maybe, they could have had a long happy relationship together.

If Buck had never met Eddie.

Bobby had to watch those idiots drool after one another for far, far too long. But with everything that had happened, Bobby was happy for them that they finally got their shit together after eight years of knowing one another. The only thing he was shocked about was how long it took for them to get engaged- a full year and half.

With the wedding looming closer and closer, and the anniversary being before, Bobby wouldn’t help but feel that the perfect time was now to give Buck the boot.

***

Bobby didn’t bother knocking on the door, letting himself in with a “Anyone home?”

(He knew Buck was home. He had asked Eddie to let him know when Buck was going to have a down day, not going into detail.)

“Hey Bobby!” Buck greeted and grinned. He was on his living room floor sorting through clean laundry. “What’s up?”

At thirty-six, Buck had only gotten bigger. Physically, and spiritually.

He was always the loudest one in the room. He always butted himself into conversations that didn’t concern him. He was nosey whenever anyone was restocking the ambulance and he still had no problem asking random people to name their unborn babies after him.

Really the only difference was that it was now Bobby who followed Buck into the kitchen. No one knows how hell-like cooking with Evan James ‘Buck’ Diaz was.

The carrots aren’t the same length! Why are the potatoes this big? I never murdered cabbage when I was YOUR helper. And that was on a good day.

As Bobby walked more into living space, the boot behind his back, Buck gagged.

“What in the hell is that smell?” Buck scrunched his nose up. “Jesus- is this an aging thing? You fucking reek, Bobby. Please go take a shower.”

Bobby laughed. He hadn’t worried about over-stepping with Buck in a long time, but he was  definitely pushing the envelope with this.

He was pretty certain how it was gonna go down- but what if it didn’t go as well as Bobby was thinking?

Too late now.

Bobby sat down next to Buck, pushing a pair of intensely pink boxers out of the way. He held out the boot.

Buck was looking at it was disgust. “Uh, no thank you.”

Bobby wiggled it. “Come on, take it.”

“Um.” Hesitantly, Buck reached for it. He blinked at how heavy it was, tilting it in Bobby’s direction. “What’s this?”

Bobby shrugged. “Take a look inside.”

“What? Ew, no. I just had to wash my kids’ socks, I’ve been through enough today.”

“Buck can you just -?” Bobby gestured from the boot to Buck.

Buck made a face. “Bobby it smells horrible, I’m not sticking my hand in this-“

“Put your hand in the boot Buck!”

“Oh my god this the dumbest –“ Buck grumbled. “If this is, like, Chimneys underwear, I’m poisoning both of your drinks tomorrow.”

Bobby rolled his eyes. “Just, just reach in.”

In the golden light of the setting sun, Buck almost looked like that twenty-six-year-old trying to convince Bobby to demand those poor mothers to name their new babies after the pair of them.

With his strong nose scrunched and his lips twisted in dismay, Buck reached blindly into his own old, stinky, grotesque book.

And the first thing he pulled out was-

At the bottom of the boot, protected by the toes, was a folded-up recipe card of Bobby’s favorite sauce. Not that Buck didn’t already have the recipe memorized, but Bobby had originally intended this to be sent to his mother’s and he left it in the backseat of his truck one day. It was the only thing to survive the trip from Minnesota.

Next was a ten year old Bruce Springsteen ticket stub that had been poorly laminated by clear tape, the next a picture some dumbass kid took and sent to Bobby's phone.

Buck was grinning into his camera with his (ugh) arm fisted to show off the teeny muscles he had. Next to him was Bobby making a face of disgust. Bobby couldn’t remember if it was from disgust of Bucks arm or because of a hangover. It was the very first picture of them together.

Bobby had to ask Henry how to take it from the cloud and to his phone. May was too busy trying to find the spoon Buck had melted one day by putting it on the hot toaster when he was over to cook soup.

One baseball hat that wasn’t the same one as when Buck was inside the engine shower room, but what Bobby thought was a good replica.

A mixture toy fire engine with 118 painted on the side, a toy firefighter with a pink birthmark sharpies on his face.

A yellow rubber snake, a pair of intentional mismatched socks, a flag that Bobby had to manually color the bisexual colors because he accidentally bought one that meant lesbianism.

A copy of Buck’s care instructions after the lightning strike. The rosary Bobby prayed with. A piece of castor.

A copy of Buck’s lawsuit- just because Bobby wanted the reminder of how far they’ve both come. Like, look at them.

A wilted weed that Buck gave to him jokingly one day when they were cleaning the engines grill. A baby doll with a onesie, Evan Roberts stitched onto the front. A print out of a page on tapeworms. A tiny amber rock. An adult sized fake monocle and a child’s size magnifying glass. A card game. A rock painted like an asteroid- with the word ‘Asteroid’ painted in the side. A miniature toy cheese grater Bobby took from a board game. An empty can of hair gel that Bobby added after Buck started letting his curls go.

A few yellow notepad pages of Buck’s progress when he was at rehab, dates and times and questions Bobby wanted to remember. The original pink slip from when Bobby fired him. A small bottle of pacific ocean water.

A dozen or so pictures of Buck and the crew- falling asleep next to Hen on the couch, scrubbing the trucks with Chimney, whatever embarrassing photo of Buck and Eddie doing BuckandEddie things.  

A more modern picture that Bobby asked Hen to take at any time, as long as neither of them knew.

Buck was sitting on the couch, his Kindle on his lap. Bobby was right next to him, a novel on his. They were arguing over the pros and cons of technology- Bobby only remembered because they get into that discussion every time Buck brought out the damn thing.

Bobby loved that picture, so much so that he had it hanging in his kitchen at home.

And then, the very last item to go in but the first that Buck pulled out, the reason for the seven month lag: A ten year alcohol sobriety chip that Bobby had earned the day before.

He had to tape the coin lightly on top of a tiny box of a copy of the engine’s keys, not that Buck drove it anymore.

Buck’s frame had froze, picking up the fallen coin with reverence. “Bobby, is this…?”

Bobby nodded. “Yeah. It’s why I waited the extra few months.” He smiled. “Wanted to make this perfect.”

“But Bobby, I’m not-“ Buck started. Bobby waved him off.

“No, you’re not the whole reason, but I’m not going to lie and say you’re not a really big part.” Bobby nodded to the boot. “Come on, argue with me as you go through it.”

Out of every item inside of the boot, it was the sobriety chip that Buck kept in the wide of his hand. He held it gently, his opposite thumb caressing the coin as if it were something delicate.

Bobby didn’t expect his throat to contract as Buck did this, holding the fake sobriety chip with reverence.

Buck didn’t say one word as he pulled out each memory. Neither of them- the only sounds were “House” playing on the television.

His eyes had glisten the more he emptied the smelly boot. Every item was laid with care, each one making Bobby hate and love his boy’s biological parents over and over.

“I know it’s not a box.” Bobby said when Buck continued to say nothing.  “And I started four years to late, but I tried to catch up.”

He leaned over and picked up the pink slip. “I had to do some rescue missions, and thank God I did. One more year and this would have been deleted off your file permanently.”

“How awful.” Buck said, voice cracking.

Bobby smiled. “It would have been, because then I wouldn’t have been able to save it.”

Buck tried to return it but he couldn’t keep his gaze away from the mass of things Bobby had accumulated. There were bits and pieces he had even forgot about- a rubber band made solely out of blue and yellow that he had confiscated because Buck and Hen kept throwing it through the staircase railing. A printer paper sheet filled with dozens and dozens of tic-tac-toe games between May, Henry, and Buck. A voodoo doll Buck threw away that looked suspiciously like Captain Gerrard (Although Bobby believed that that was more of a group effort and Buck only got caught).

“You did all this for me?” he asked. His voice cracked.

But he was gripping that ten-year coin still. It must have made deep impressions into his palm.

Bobby had to blink away the sudden watering in his eyes.

“Yeah.” Bobby said. He cleared his voice. “I did.”

Buck shuttered, shoulders shaking. His eyes were glistening.

“Um.” He shook his head. “Why the- why the rubber band ball? You told us we were wasting the LAFD’s fine resources.”

So they went through everything Bobby put in, the importance of it.

“You kept everything.” Buck said a little while later, a picture printed from the LAFD website of Buck demonstrating how to properly test eh oxygen tanks.

Bobby nodded. “We met later in life. I just wanted to make sure we could remember everything.”

“I…At first.” Buck cleared his throat. “For a while, I thought it was because you didn’t trust me. But here’s the thing. One day I looked at Chris, right, and I thought about him becoming a firefighter.”

Bobby’s first instinct was to point out how dangerous it would be with Chirs to be one (as if Buck really was an idiot), but he wisely kept his mouth shut. See, Bobby could learn sometimes.

From the way Buck raised his brows, Bobby didn’t think he hid the thought from his face.

“Anyways, I looked at Chris and thought about him being under a vehicle. And…back then, I wasn’t a father to him, you know? I was still a family friend- albeit a family friend who was somehow roped into going to parent-teacher conferences.” Buck rolled his eyes. “So there I was, sitting in my loft, and I’m absolutely terrified for this little boy I had no claim to. So much so, that I had to actually call Eddie and subtly get him to let Chris talk to me.”

Buck’s brow narrowed. “I’m not- I just remember being so confused as to why it would scare me so much. I had never known what it was like to love someone so much that the world seemed threatening. I could never look at Chirs and think Oh you’re my best friend’s kid, because he wasn’t just that. Not since the first time we met.”

He blinked at him. “You know?”

Bobby nodded. His throat felt dry. “Yeah, yeah I know.”

God did he know.

“You would have-“ Bobby cleared his throat. “You know that- that my parents and I, we’re not close. It’s better, but we’re never going to all be sitting around the table being happy to be with one another.” He nudged his bad knee against Bobby’s. “Not like all of us.”

All of us, because somehow the pair of them had become part of a ginormous family. “No, I guess not.”

Buck gripped the coin. “My- um. My other dad didn’t ask if he could walk me down the aisle.”

My other dad, my other dad, other dad.

Bobby cocked his head, the thrum of something warm enveloping his heart. “I thought you didn’t want…?”

“I don’t! Or, um, didn’t.” Buck sniffed. “I always thought Maddie would, but I never told  my dad that. One day we were all on FaceTime and my dad asked what you were wearing.”

“Why would-“

“Because he didn’t want to match.” Buck smiled. “Because he had assumed you were walking me down.”

Bobby wasn’t prepared at how his eyes watered. He laughed airily and wiped at his lashes. “I would, if you wanted me to.”

“...you’re my best man?”

“Oh.” Bobby blinked. “I knew that.”

They looked at one another for a moment in the quiet evening sun.

Bobby took a deep breath, stinky shoe and all, and took in his- he really basked in the glory that was his son.

Over the years the birthmark had retained its pink hue, only slighter duller. His eyebrows are grown bushier, his jawline fuller. The acne scars on his face deepened, for the sole reason that Buck would continuously pick at any breakouts on his sensitive skin.

His hair, once red, had changed to be a more strawberry blonde. In certain lights the red highlights would peek through.

But his eyes- blue as the sky.

Oh, his boy was still there. When he smiled was the same man who had no idea how to knot a tie, when he laughed he was still that kid who excited to talk about tapeworms.

When he gripped Bobby’s shoulder tight, he was still that young man who stayed with Bobby for a week when he was found passed out in bed.

“I would choose you.” Bobby choked out. “I would choose you be part of my family, I’d choose you to be my son in every life I have here, if my first two lived or not. You are not some coincidences that happened to join my crew, because I know some way or somehow, I’d find you, Buck.”

So he pushed back the coin. “I wasn’t looking for you, I didn’t want you, but there you were. Here we are, and I gotta tell you Buck that I- that I-“

Bobby laughed, shaking his head at how damn lucky he was to have this.

After everything he done, all the pain he caused, somehow, he was still worthy enough to have love in his life.

“One day.” Bobby took a deep breath. He looked down to where their hands were connected, calluses and cracked palms lining up. “I’m going to be so old and one day I’m going to be gone. I’m sorry, but I so selfishly want you to miss me. I want you sit down and remember every time I made you laugh or listened to your stories or gave you advice and I want you tell your grandkids ‘My pop once told me to get on the gurney’ kind of thing. I- You’re my kid. You’re my son, and I’m so proud of you and everything you’ve done, and I’d be proud even if you decided to quit and become a hermit on the beach.”

Buck laughed wetly. “Bobby-“

“I mean it.” Bobby grinned. “Hermit, lieutenant, dumbass probie. I’m so glad you’re in my life.”

For a moment Buck stared. Then -

“I really wish I hadn’t been elbow deep inside this disgusting boot when you said all that.”

With no thought at all, Bobby opened his arms, grinning.

Buck, with no hesitation, threw himself into them, holding him tight. Bobby squeezed twice as hard, reminding his kid that Bobby would always always be there to protect him.

“Ah, I love you kid.” Bobby murmured into Buck’s curly hair.

He felt Buck’s smile against his shoulder. “I love you to Pop.”

Three weeks after the wedding, Buck had updated his forms.

Bobby wasn’t sure what made him want to take a closer look at them; truth be told, he was being noisy. Sue him, he was retiring soon. This could be his last chance.

Lieutenant Evan James ‘Buck’ Diaz

Emergency contacts:

Edmundo Diaz, Husband, Primary

Maddie Han, Sister

Chimney Han, Brother in law.

Robert Nash

Father.