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Josh’s heard pounded against his chest as he stood opposite Finn. He’d kept the truth a secret for so long, yet as the two of them faced each other, alone in the boy’s changing rooms, Josh knew he couldn’t keep this from Finn for much longer.
“What is it, mate?” Finn stared questioningly into Josh’s eyes, his eyebrows furrowed with genuine worry for his friend. His usual cocky attitude had quickly been proven an act once he’d seen how serious Josh was being. The witty jokes he cracked so easily had not been receipted at all, only showing the gravitas the situation held. Because if Finn knew how to do anything, it was making Josh laugh.
“You know you can tell me anything?” he said, frowning; his eyes searched Josh’s face for any kind of answer.
“Finn, I—” Josh looked desperately around the room for something, anything to focus on other than the boy standing in front of him, the boy he loved so dearly. He couldn’t look Finn in the eye - he was sure his feelings would be revealed if he so much as glanced in his direction.
Thoughts raced through his mind almost as fast as his pounding heart. Could he really risk losing his best mate over these feelings? Feelings that may be gone in a week? Feelings he couldn’t even be sure of himself, no matter how agonising and torturous they made every minute around Finn? Did Finn even like boys that way? And if he did, what’s to say he liked Josh like that? What if—
“Josh.”
Finn’s voice brought him back to reality. He was holding Josh by the forearms and now the pair were standing so close they could both feel the other’s warm breath on their face. Only now did Josh meet Finn’s gaze. He was met by such a tender look that it shocked him. Never before had he seen his friend overcome with such real concern, so different from the smug smirk usually plastered across his face.
Finn still holding Josh’s arms, they stood across from one another in near silence. The gentle look having calmed his nerves, Josh attempted to slow down his rapid breathing. Taking several deep breaths, he realised his face was wet; he had started crying at some point.
Embarrassed, he pulled away from Finn and wiped at the tears with his sleeve. He tried to regain some composure, then looked back to his friend to see he hadn’t looked away and was still staring deeply into Josh’s now red eyes.
“Listen, mate, you don’t have to tell me what it is,” Finn began. “But…I want you to know that I’ll always be here to listen if you want me to.”
Josh tried to speak again, but once more his words failed him. Finn continued speaking, not pressing him to saying anything back.
“It’s obvious what this— this problem is, it’s getting in your head. But, well…a problem shared is a problem halved, or whatever they say.” Finn grappled for the point he wanted to make.
“What I’m trying to say is—“ he threw his hands in the air, exasperated, just as he realised what he was to trying to express.
“What I’m trying to say is that I can help you with this.
And if you need me to beat someone up, just give me their name and it’s done.”
The last part made Josh laugh and the all-too-familiar grin lit up Finn’s face once more. The two smiled at each other. Despite whatever had just happened, they were still best mates, and Josh knew that no argument - or possible romance - would ever change that.
“Thank you Finn. For what you just said, even the ‘beating up’ part.” Josh finally found the voice to speak up and show his friend how much he appreciated him. “I mean it.”
“Oh, come ‘ere, you soppy sod!” They laughed together as Finn pulled Josh into a hug. It was definitely something neither of them had expected when they walked into the changing room what felt like so long ago, and now, somehow, they were even closer than to begin with.
“Stepping back from the embrace, Josh looked at his friend smiling that impish smile and, in that moment, he decided what he had to do.
“Finn, the thing is— Well, first I…I don’t want this to change anything between us. You’re my best mate, and you always will be.”
“Didn’t you hear anything I just said?” Finn laughed, but seeing Josh only smile weakly at this, began listening with closer attention.
“The thing is, Finn, I— I like you.
I really like you.”
Before Josh even had a change to see how Finn responded, none other than Tom Clarkson - his DAD - burst into the room, interrupting the perfect illusion both boys had been under, that it was only them in this moment. Their heads jerked towards the door and they stood awkwardly, stunned, as they watched Tom enter their covert that was the changing room.
Tom, obviously absorbed in whatever he was thinking about, did not notice the pair until he was almost upon them. Then, looking up with a start, quickly recovered from his shock once he saw who it was.
“Josh!” Tom let out a quick exhalation of breath. Now over his initial surprise, obvious confusion lay on his face as he tried to make sense of what he’d stumbled into.
“The two of you gave me a fright an’ a half!” Raising one eyebrow slightly, he questioned, “What are you doing in here, wasting your precious lunchtime?”
When neither of them answered, still staring at him with a somewhat dazed look, Tom - in an attempt to lighten the mood - broke out into a smile and jokes, “Not up to any trouble, I hope?”
This time, it was Finn’s turn to be tongue-tied. Josh quickly managed to speak up on behalf of both of them.
“Uh..no, dad. We were just in here looking for Finn’s jacket. He left it here after practice yesterday. Right, Finn?”
He glanced in Finn’s direction, who only seem to be partially listening to the conversation going on in front of him. For just a second, Josh managed to make out the blank expression on his friend’s face as he occupied himself with staring at the floor. But the emotion quickly flooded back into Finn’s face, leaving Josh to wonder it he’d just imagined the vacant look on his face.
It was obvious Finn had snapped out of his confused state and realised the situation, as Josh watched the confidence actively flood through his body again: the way his back straightened to make him talker; the direct eye contact with whoever be was addressing and, of course; that smug-as-ever smirk, ready with a witty comment, no matter the situation.
God, how Josh adored him.
“Yeah, sir, we were just here for my jacket,” Finn replied, elaborating on Josh’s story about the jacket which was actually safely stored in his locker. “No luck though. I bet some cheeky git has only gone and taken it!”
Tom had been a teacher long enough to know when he was being fooled, but decided to look past Josh’s puffy eyes and how oddly the pair were behaving and let this one slide. They were teenage boys, after all.
“Right, well, you can continue looking for it later,” Tom sighed. “Seeing I’ve got you both here, you might as well help me set up for the year 9 club later. Follow me and grab some cones!”
With a surprising lack of groans and mumbles, the boys followed the teacher out onto the field. As they set up some basic drills for the teams to do later, Josh took another quick look at Finn. Just as quickly as he’d been filled with confidence, it was evident something else had taken over him. And even from a few metres away, Josh could see his friend frowning to himself — with frustration.
None of this had gone to plan. If there had ever been a plan in the first place. Josh had appeared calm in front of his dad, but inside he wished the ground at his feet would open up and swallow him whole. Tom walking in on them was only part of troubles and seemed almost insignificant next to the real worry: did he still have a best mate?
“Finn…can we talk? Please?” Josh called out as he walked towards what he hoped was still his friend. But the other boy hadn’t heard what was said - or worse still, was ignoring what had been said. Instead, he seemed intent upon laying out the cones perfectly along the pitch.
“Finn, I—“
“Look, just leave us alone, yeah?”
The words cut Josh, but not as much as the look that accompanied them.
The frown on Finn’s face was now directed at him, as Finn peered at him with something like confusion. As if he was trying to work out what Josh was. Or like he’d discovered that someone had been lying to him, and he no longer knew who they were.
But under the disdain, there was something else, something Finn was trying to hide so desperately; there was a look of vulnerability. His eyes darted across his friend’s face, and in them Josh saw pain. He couldn’t be sure how Finn felt when it seemed Finn himself didn’t know how to feel.
The frown having melted off his face whilst staring into Josh’s eyes, Finn dropped the cones he was holding and started back towards the school building as tears pricked at the corner of his own. He quickly pushed them away with the heel of his palm before they had the chance to stream down his face.
What had provoked him to have this reaction? Nothing had ever made him feel like this before - these feelings, these new feelings, and yet—
They’d always been there. In the back of his mind, pushed out of his thoughts faster than they could surface to begin with.
These new feelings, feelings that somehow felt so familiar at the same time. Feelings of love and feelings of strong friendship, the line between the two an undistinguishable blur.
And all of these feelings were directed at one person; Josh.
———————————————
Josh had stood watching as Finn had disappeared into the school, and then stood and stared at the spot he had once been.
He didn’t know what to do or think, because he knew if he did or thought anything, the chances were he would throw up the little he had eaten that day.
So he stayed unmoving, as if he stared long enough Finn might turn around and come back.
“Josh?”
The boy jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder, breaking him from his trance. It was Tom.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” he said, nodding in the direction Finn had stalked off. “Come on, don’t give me that look. I was on the other side of the pitch and I could still tell something happened.”
Josh shook his head, evading his dad’s concerned gaze.
“It was nothing, dad.”
“Right, are you trying to tell me Finn Sharkey walking off looking like he’s crying is ‘nothing’? And you standing here, like you’ve seen a ghost, is ‘nothing’? Because that doesn’t seem like nothing to me.”
Tom had witnessed the whole ordeal and it all seemed bizarre to him. Josh and Finn were usually inseparable. Anything that could have caused such a response from both of the boys was enough to make him feel apprehensive.
“Look, it was nothing, alright? Me and Finn just had a bit of an argument, that’s all.” Josh didn’t know how he would even begin to explain the real situation to his dad. The less he knew about it, the better.
Tom sighed again.
“Josh, mate, I’m just trying to look out for you. I won’t lie, you’ve got me worried. Crying in the changing rooms then falling out with your best mate not 20 minutes later? Something’s going on. And I want you to be able to talk about it with me.”
In that moment, Josh felt sorry for his dad; he had been too hard on him. He’d have to tell him about all this eventually anyway.
But that would have to wait for another day, a day when he wasn’t questioning if he would ever talk to Finn again.
“I’m sorry, dad. I would tell you about it but— I just think I need to work things about with Finn first.”
Tom pulled a reluctant smile, knowing he wouldn’t get anymore out of his son.
“Suit yourself. Can’t say I didn’t try.”
Josh returned the smile.
“Thanks.”
“Well, you better jog on now. Lunch is over in a minute and we can’t have you getting an after school detention, can we!”
Laughing slightly, Josh headed to his next lesson, preparing himself for whatever may come next.
———————————————
If his mood wasn’t ruined enough, Josh had an hour of English with Mr Budgen to sit through.
He made his way to their usual seats, but looking around the class, he couldn’t see Finn. After asking Sam and Lauren, he established no one had seen either of them since the start of lunch, when they had slipped off to the changing room.
And it wasn’t until 15 minutes into the lesson anyone saw Finn again.
“Mr Sharkey, so glad you decided to grace us with your presence!” the English teacher drivelled sarcastically.
“Sorry, sir. I was finishing some coursework.”
“Well, we don’t have all day. Take your seat, boy.”
Josh tried to catch Finn’s eye as he walked across the classroom, but he dodged Josh’s look and made his way to a seat by the window: they were on opposite sides of the classroom.
Finn didn’t look like he’d been crying, which couldn’t exactly be said the same for Josh, but the hurt expression hadn’t completely left his face.
Now he just looked tired. Very tired.
For the rest of the hour, Josh stared at Finn, and Finn stared out the window, neither of them paying attention to the lesson at hand. Once the bell had run, Finn darted out of the classroom before Josh even had a chance to catch up to him.
The next lesson was the same, and again, at the end of the day, Finn was gone, weaselling his way through the masses of students and out of the school gates.
Over the course of the afternoon, Josh’s anxiety had only grown and now, as he walked towards the gates Finn had so easily disappeared out of, he felt so light headed that he was sure he would collapse on the walk home.
What if he had completely ruined things with Finn? Not in a romantic sense, he didn’t even care about that anymore, despite his aching heart. No, what if he had ruined things with Finn and lost his best mate? First and foremost, that was what he and Finn were, and the idea that he’d messed that up irreversibly hurt Josh more than he could have ever possibly imagined.
What if he had lost his best mate?
The question went in circles around his mind as he walked the familiar route home; as he opened and walked in the front door; as he checked once, twice, again that Finn hadn’t messaged or called him.
But there was nothing. Just him, his thoughts and the silence of the house he sat in.
———————————————
Hours after school had finished, Josh sat in his room, staring at the wall.
As he had been doing for the past 40 minutes.
He’d tried pacing up and down the house, watching the telly and even chatting with Tom briefly once he’d got back from the football club, before he’d left for the pub.
Nothing could calm his nerves. At some point he had given in and sent Finn countless messages begging him to just talk. His phone now sat abandoned on the kitchen counter.
He’d cried and he’d yelled and he’d cursed himself more times than imaginable, for destroying a life - a friendship - that may not have been perfect but he had been more than happy with. The energy now drained from him, he lay with his back against the cold wall as he sat on his bed and attempted to make sense of the overwhelming amount of thoughts that he was drowning in. He never knew he could feel so empty yet so suffocated by his feelings.
But somewhere downstairs, a noise pulled Josh from agonising over the situation for the one hundredth time that hour: it was a knock on the door.
The sound had managed to grab his attention long enough for him to decide he wouldn’t answer it. No one at that door would be able to pull him out of his misery or self-loathing, so let them knock. Whatever they wanted was not his problem.
But the banging became more insistent, until Josh was sure whoever it was was trying to break the door off its hinges. And Tom would not be happy with that.
Getting up from the position he’d been sat in for so long, Josh dried the tears that had been passively streaming down his face.
“Alright, alright, I’m coming.” he called out, the demanding knocking still ringing through the household.
“What do you w—“ Josh pulled the door open to be greeted by a face he knew all too well. It was Finn.
“Finn— What…what are you doing here?” Josh blurted out; the figure on the doorstep may have been the sole subject of his thoughts for the past few hours (let alone the past few months) but seeing him here was still immensely unexpected.
Finn’s face was almost unreadable. He appeared to be hesitant but still held a determined expression.
“Can I come in?”
This was not the Finn that Josh was used to seeing - so solemn and serious - but stepped aside to let him in regardless. He was prepared to talk to Finn no matter the mood he appeared to be in; he just wanted his best mate back.
They moved into the kitchen, both seemingly uncertain of what the other may say or do next. Josh leaning against the counter, Finn against the table, they stood opposite each other as the silence filled what felt like a gaping distance between them.
“Finn, I—“
“Listen, Josh—“
The two boys went to speak at once, breaking the quiet that hung over the kitchen. Not even pausing to let Josh continue, Finn went on before they both let the awkward silence take reign again.
“No Josh, I…I need to say this. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said in the changing room. I won’t lie. It shocked me. And, well…I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. It just…took me some time to figure out.
“When you said you liked me, it made me realise…it made me realise I had all these feelings inside me I’d never noticed before. And that scared me. But— At the same time, it was exciting, y’know?
“Don’t get me wrong, it took me some working out to…accept what it meant. That excitement wasn’t always there but now it is and you’re here and well, what I’m trying to say is—
“Is I realised I like you. A lot. It just took you saying it for me to discover what these feelings were.”
Josh had been hanging onto Finn’s every word, letting his best friend speak his mind, but now he could hardly believe his ears. Finn Sharkey, his best mate, like him. Like him a lot.
“You. You feel the same way?” Josh exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. Despite Finn’s, words he was still somewhat in disbelief that his crush of who knew how long actually liked him back.
Feeling he’d got a great burden off his chest, Finn smiled back at Josh. The moment he’d uttered the truth that had taken him so long to realise, he felt relief wash over him. And now, to be stood in front of Josh, the two of them beaming at each other eith this newfound kind of love, Finn felt a sense of belonging like he’d never felt before.
Because here was his best mate - more than best mate - who loved him and most of all cared for him.
And Finn felt the same way.
“Of course I do, you idiot!” Finn replied with a laugh, pushing Josh playfully on the shoulder. “Now how many more times are you going to make me say it?”
Josh almost wanted to ask him to say it again, just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
———————————————
Things were back to normal now. For the rest of the evening, they amused themselves playing video games in the living room, or lounged about in Josh’s room, chatting about nothing yet joking about everything the conversation fell upon. It was almost as if the day’s earlier events hadn’t happened.
Apart from the small things.
Like Josh’s gaze, filled with affection, lingering on Finn longer than he’d ever dared. And Finn’s smug-as-ever smirk, now softer around his eyes, just from being in Josh’s presence. And the way they both say closer than before, shoulder to shoulder, as if they wanted to occupy the same space.
And behind them, their hands, slowly reaching out until they were touching, the feeling like a spark through both of them. Then, more confidently, gripping each other’s hand like they never wanted to let go. Neither of them mentioned this as it was happening, didn’t need to mention it to know it was at the forefront of both if their thoughts. It was so natural, so simple but for them it signified something more, something new.
But at the same time, nothing had changed. Josh was still Finn’s best mate, and he was Finn’s, and he’d been right to think nothing could ruin that. They would still much around, and have a laugh. They would still pull stupid pranks and laugh themselves senseless. They would still walk to school together and sit next to each other in lessons and argue about the most mindless of things, and any added romance would not get in the way of that.
Because what’s a best mate if not someone you love?