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1: Light and Shadows
The first night was now a blur to her. She remembered Silco carrying her half across the Undercity, her chin resting on his shoulder as her tears continued without fail, soaking his vest and shirt. His footsteps lulling her to sleep at times. She had been rolled int someone’s coat as well. She remembered her heartache slowly fading into a dull throb. Silco’s hair had smelled like dust and smoke. Probably from the fire. She didn’t know what it smelled like now. Vander’s hair had smelled like dirt, beer and sometimes soap. They were all homeless now. Thanks to her. She remembered the burning building become smaller with each step as they took her with them. They had found a place to stay eventually. There was a faint memory of a room, with a bed she was put in. There had been days. Perhaps weeks. Of which she had very little memory of what had transpired during the day. The hours dragged on with her brain clouded in fog, dazed from crying, and numbed from the shock of what had happened.
The faces of Silco and his gang slowly became familiar to her. They looked at her like they had never seen a child before. She didn’t like their staring. At first it frightened her, but Silco was a silent sentinel, making them all drop their gaze as he picked up on her fear. She remembered sticking out her tongue at a guy called Dustin, who seemed quite pissed about her sassiness.
It was a time of adjustment for everybody. Powder felt like she wasn’t really a part of the storyline that was her life now. She was sort of used to tough people around her, but the people surrounding Silco were more than just tough. They were criminals. She remembered Vander warning her and Vi about them. But Vander was gone. And Vi had abandoned her. And these criminals allowed her to tag along. They gave her a food. And a blanket when she was tired.
She wasn’t sure she liked moving into The Last Drop. Silco wanted everything different. Everything that made the pub so familiar to her, had to go. He got rid of her old room. The bunkbed she shared with her sister was deconstructed and thrown out. He said something about how she didn’t deserve to be kept in a basement like a hidden pet. She never thought about it that way. She hardly knew him, only from Vander’s stories, and yet he treated her like he had known her forever, and knew exactly what she wanted or needed. He and Vander used to be friends. Best friends. She found it hard to imagine them in such a way. They were so different. Vander was big and soft, he cracked jokes and made her scrambled eggs when she was sad. Silco didn’t crack jokes. And apart from the hug she had forced him into the night she met him, and the fact he had carried her, he hadn’t touched her. And if she imagined him making her scrambled eggs she just made herself giggle.
Her new room was upstairs. Across the narrow hall from his new office. Next to his own bedroom. He liked keeping her as close as possible, without really directly interacting with her. He seemed confused about what to say to her at times. Someone had put a string of fairy lights above her new bed. In all sorts of colors. She liked it. It matched her new room. Her new bed. Silco didn’t just find these things somewhere. He bought them. They all looked brand-new. While she studied the little lights, sitting on her bed, she heard footsteps behind her. It was Sevika showing Silco the new room. Hers was the first to be finished completely.
He looked around with his critical stare, looking for things that didn’t live up to his approval, but finding none, he nodded. “It’ll do, I suppose.”
Sevika seemed annoyed with his reaction. She had worked harder than she had wanted to get this room in order. All while still recovering from her injury. She had lost her arm, but it didn’t seem to slow her down. Powder wasn’t sure Sevika liked having her around, and stayed out of the woman’s way as much as possible.
“We’re still working on getting the heater fixed.” Sevika explained. “Something going on with the pipes.”
Silco nodded, and let his gaze rest on the blue haired girl sitting on the bed. “Do you like it?” he asked her. Still getting used to his stare, with one eye such a beautiful blueish green and the other all funky looking, she looked away shyly. She didn’t want him to think she was staring. Vander always told her that staring was rude. She didn’t even know if he could see through his left eye. She nodded, and she wasn’t lying. She really did like her new room. Though she had never wanted to part with her old one. Not if Vi had still been around. She hadn’t wanted anything to change as drastically as it did.
Someone else came into the room behind Silco and Sevika. Another woman. With dark hair. Her name was Ran. She was carrying a box. “I found this in the basement. Last of the shit down there.” She said. “Think it’s kids’ stuff. Shall I just throw it out?” Silco turned to look at what she was holding, and Powder stretched her neck to see it too. She recognized the arm of Vi’s bunny toy hanging over the side of box.
“No!” she jumped off the bed and pushed Silco and Sevika aside more harshly than she intended, to grab the stuffed animal, holding it to her chest tightly as if she expected them to pull it from her grasp. “Don’t throw it out, please!”
Sevika seemed agitated about being manhandled, but Silco just took a step back to give the girl space. He looked up at Ran. “Leave the box.” He ordered. “See what else is down there.”
“Sir, we threw most of it out already.” Ran objected.
“Empty the bins behind the building.” He told her sharply. “Retrieve anything that resembles a toy. And make sure to wash it before you give it back to her.” Not delighted with her new task, Ran dropped the box on the floor and left the room.
“Won’t this make her even more homesick?” Sevika argued gently, watching Powder search the box for more of her favorites. “A lot of memories are attached to objects. We could just get her new things.”
Silco said nothing, just gazed at the girl sitting on the floor rummaging through her old stuff. She seemed happy finding a few more things, fishing them out and blowing off the dust carefully.
“She’s allowed to keep her memories.” He eventually spoke softly, looking up at Sevika. “They can be both a curse and a blessing.” He watched the girl pull out a sketchbook and go through the pages of colorful drawings. A girl with blue hair holding hands with a girl with red hair. Her sister Vi. Noticing her sudden stillness, both adults looked down, watching a single tear fall on the drawing, smudging the colors. Silco sighed and sunk through his knees.
“Did you draw that?” He asked. To Sevika, it was still odd to see Silco interact with children. It just seemed so out of character it looked goofy to her. And somehow she kept waiting for him to snap and just end her. Even after going through all that trouble to get this damn room fixed.
Powder nodded, wiping away her tears roughly. She had cried so much in the past days, she didn’t think she’d have tears left. “Can I keep this too?” she asked softly.
“It’s yours isn’t it?” Silco answered. “I don’t take away art from an artist.”
She sniffed. “There’s drawings of Vander in it as well. And I thought.. if you hate him.. you wouldn’t want me to keep those.” She leafed through the pages and showed him the one she was talking about. This time a figure vaguely resembling Vander held hands with the two girls as well. Silco just gazed at it, and his expression was hard to read. Eventually, he reached up to gently close the sketchbook and held his hand over hers.
“Keep it.” He told her. “My feelings toward Vander have nothing to do with your artwork. Always be proud of your creations. They are what makes you unique.” He got up from the floor, feeling his back crack into place uncomfortably and shot Sevika a look. “It’s getting late. Get her a meal, and put her to bed.”
“But-“ Sevika was about to protest to being promoted to nanny, something she had been able to avoid by pretending to be too busy getting the girl’s room in order, but Silco had already turned on his heels and left for his office. An uncomfortable silence between the girl and the tough woman followed.
Fixing her something to eat was something of a chore everyone around her seemed to forget all the time. There were no sit down moments for meals during the day. She had never seen Silco eat, and the rest just shoveled down random things whenever they were hungry. Sevika let out a tired sigh.
“Alright, kid. What do you want?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“That’s not an answer.” Sevika shot back. “I didn’t ask if you were hungry. I asked what you wanted to eat. Those are two different things.” She reached down to pull Powder up from the floor by her arm, receiving light protest. “Let’s go down to the kitchen and see what we have. Come on.” As they left the cozy little bedroom behind to walk down the wooden staircase, Powder was left with questions.
“Why doesn’t Silco cook? Isn’t he the one in charge and stuff?” she asked, and heard Sevika chuckle in amusement behind her.
“Wouldn’t that be something, huh? He can’t boil an egg to save his life.”
Vander always knew what to make for dinner. Even when the cupboards were almost empty. “when no one was hungry, Vander made soup.” Powder spoke proudly. “No one was ever sick or grumpy enough to refuse that.” She knew the way to the kitchen, even though everything looked different now. Everything was under construction. But the kitchen was kept operational. She climbed upon the counter. “Do you know how to make soup?”
Sevika shrugged and slammed a pan onto the stove. “Yea I had parents teaching me shit. Unlike the rest of these morons around here.” Did she just call Silco a moron? “What kind of soup did he make?”
Powder thought about her question for a moment. “I’m not really sure what was in it. I think vegetables.. and chicken, maybe?”
“Sounds fancy.” Sevika said, lighting a cigarette. Smoking in the kitchen was something Vander never allowed. “I’m pretty sure we don’t have chicken.” A little disappointed, Powder bit her lip.
“I guess it could work without the chicken?” she tried. Sevika didn’t feel much for making a whole pan of soup. There had been little sense of community or family bonding between Silco’s henchmen, and she wasn’t going to put herself through the embarrassment of starting it. But there had also been a moment where Silco had announced that the climate amongst his people would have to change in favor of the child. Something about a village and raising a kid. Sevika hadn’t really been listening to his speech. Her brain had been rotting on painkillers and that new drug the doctor pushed on her that day. Anyway, it seemed like she was going to ruin everyone’s evening by making vegetable soup. She wasn’t even sure Silco would eat it.
“You know how much goddamn work is put in making vegetable soup? I’ll be cutting carrots for the rest of my evening thanks to Vander’s bullshit parenting skills.” Sevika protested while slamming down a cutting board and pulling the needed ingredients out of the various cupboards. This was going to prove to be even more complicated with one arm. Swinging her legs back and forth, Powder giggled at her antics. She had never seen someone get so angry about making soup.
“We can ask Silco to help with the cutting.” The girl offered with a cheeky smile.
“Yea.” Sevika growled, throwing a towel over her shoulder, still balancing a cigarette in the corner of her mouth. “He’s not the one badgering me about making soup though. This was your idea, so you do the helping instead.” She shoved the cutting board in the girl’s direction. “chop chop” she growled, using an empty glass for an ashtray.
Powder didn’t mind being put to work. It beat being left alone with her thoughts. Her head was clearing up more and more each day, which also meant a return of fond memories of the family that was no more. Vander always said that making new memories helped a broken heart. She didn’t think making soup with a bunch of criminals was exactly what he had meant, and if he had still been around he would have probably been really pissed with her. But it was all she had right now.
Cutting carrots brought her back to a different kitchen. Or really the same one, but it looked different, it was all different now. And the familiarity of the situation comforted her at first. She didn’t even notice she had started singing the song she remembered from her mother.
“dear friend”
“across the river”
“My hands are cold and bare”
“dear friend”
“across the river”
“I’ll take what you can spare”
When tears started raining down on the sliced carrots, Sevika gently took the knife from her hand. “That’s enough carrots, kid.” She said as kindly as she could. Picking up the board she dumped the carrots in the large pot. “Where did you learn that song?”
Sniffling, Powder rubbed away her tears with her sleeve. “My mom.” She said. “Vander sang it too sometimes. When we couldn’t sleep.”
“I recognize the tune.” Sevika told her. “First time I hear the words though.”
Powder looked up at her. “Where did you hear it?”
“him.” Sevika nodded her head in the direction of the staircase leading up to Silco’s office. “He hums it when he thinks no one is listening. Though I haven’t heard him do it in a while.”
Powder blinked. The timeline slowly making sense. “He knew my mom”
Sevika was not about to put Silco on the line by affirming the girl’s guesses. “Maybe.” She spoke carefully, raising her eyebrows. “We don’t know that for sure.”
Powder swallowed. The memories of her mother became more and more faded. New ones would be welcome. Vander had told her and Vi about her. But he didn’t go much further than to just praise her for everything. She was pretty. And kind. And she loved her kids very much. And she didn’t want to die. Maybe Silco had other things to say. “Shall I go ask him?”
Sevika stared at her for a while. “You know, kid.. I would just.. let that rest for now. I don’t want him snapping at you for digging in shit he’s trying to bury. Just let him be.”
“How else would he know that song?” Powder argued. “And why would he try to bury the memory of my mom? Was she mean to him?”
Sevika felt herself getting impatient with the girl. “I don’t know! Okay?! I don’t fucking know. All I know is that he and Vander were at eachother’s throats for years after your mom had been long gone.” Powder just stared at her, making Sevika feel bad for losing her cool. “Maybe they both had a thing for your mom, hell men fight for the dumbest fucking reasons.” Powder made a face.
“ew..” she said.
“Yes.” Sevika agreed, stirring the soup. The whole place was starting to smell like it. She wasn’t sure this was the aesthetic Silco was going for with this place. It was supposed to become some kind of place for low lives to hang out and push that new drug, not a cozy, homey inn smelling like soup and fresh baked pastries. But whatever. Her orders were to feed the kid, so here she was feeding the kid. She poured the girl a hearty bowl. “And you will finish it too.” She spoke sternly.
Despite not being hungry, Powder wolved down the soup like she hadn’t been fed in days. Which was only half true. They had been feeding her. Just not the proper things. Mostly stuff from street vendors when someone remembered food was a thing. While she was eating, Ran and Dustin entered the bar. Ran made a face.
“What the hell happened in here? Smells like Vander had some illegal cabbage farm in his basement or something.”
Sevika raised an eyebrow at the woman’s dramatic reaction. “Oh he was growing shit in his basement alright, but it wasn’t cabbage.” She sneered, looking at the girl spooning away at her soup. “I was ordered to feed the kid.”
Dustin plopped down on a barstool and poured himself a drink, shooting unkind glances at Powder. “What’s he planning on doing with her anyway?”
Ran peered into the pan. “So you decided to poison her instead?”
“Fuck you.” Sevika shot at her.
Powder, done eating, set the bowl down and wiped her mouth. “Do you think Silco would want some soup?” she asked Sevika, ignoring the others. Dustin scoffed, but Ran laughed.
“How nice of you to treat Silco to a homecooked meal, Sev. What are you going to do next? Iron his shirts?” she sneered.
Dustin joined in with a dumb chuckle. “pour him his whiskey and hand him his slippers?” Ran got away with it, but Dustin was grabbed by the front of his shirt and pulled over the counter to topple down onto the tiled floor behind the bar. Sevika gave him a last kick, then smoothed her hair back. While Ran laughed, Powder peered over the side to see Dustin laying in an uncomfortable position against the back of the counter, moaning in pain, but she decided not to say anything about it. It became quiet when they all heard footsteps coming down the staircase. Silco was coming down to see what all the noise was about. Halfway down the stairs, he stopped.
“What am I smelling?”
Sevika rolled her eyes. She had enough of people commenting on her cooking skills, which she knew sucked, and placed the lid on the pot. “I made the girl soup at her own damn request.” She explained while Silco joined the rest of his henchmen. “I sure as fuck never will again.”
“I liked it.” Said Powder, smiling at the big woman. “And I’m the only one who actually tasted it.”
“Vander’s recipe.” Silco mused. “I recognize the scent. I’m sorry to learn he exposed you and your kin to it as well.”
“Would you like some?” Powder asked cheerfully, but Silco ignored her. Standing on his toes he peered over the counter at Dustin still laying on the floor, but made no further comment.
“You should be in bed.” He eventually said, turning to the girl again, still sitting on top of the bar. “It’s getting late.”
She didn’t feel like going to bed yet. It meant being alone again. But her pleading look didn’t seem to affect Silco as much as it did Vander, and she didn’t dare to refuse his outstretched hand. Careful to not let her fall, he helped her climb onto a barstool first, and then set her feet on the ground. Still holding on to his hand, she turned to Sevika and Ran. “Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!” she told them happily.
“Goodnight, kid.” Sevika replied with a small grin.
If Silco was surprised she didn’t let go of his hand while going up the staircase, he didn’t show it, and followed her calmly into her new room. She froze in the door opening, taking another look at what was now her home. He felt her gently squeeze his hand, and heard her sniff. But he said nothing. Some things just needed to be processed without words.
“I don’t want to sleep alone.” She whispered softly.
“Hmm..” he mused, looking around the room for a solution. “Alone is but a feeling in this case. You are not alone. I am in the same building. So is Sevika.”
“What if there’s a monster under my bed?” she asked, looking up at him. The absurdity of the question had stunned him for a moment.
“This room has been meticulously checked for monsters during the renovation.” He spoke with utmost sincerity. “You don’t assume I would forget about such a thing, would you?”
She thought about it for a moment.
“And we all know I’m the biggest monster out there. I outmonster them all.” He continued.
She frowned at his words and looked up at him again, seemingly checking his monster levels. His eye was still a bit creepy to her, but she wouldn’t go as far as calling him a monster. Monsters were stupid, and Silco was very smart. “So you think it’s safe here?” she said softly, gazing around the room again.
“You have my word.”
she felt her lip tremble again. “I’m not used to sleeping alone. We all slept together in one room.” She started. He wasn’t sure where her sudden panic came from. It had been little over a week since he took her in. She had been sleeping in a bed alone for a few days now. Then he remembered the locations where they had found shelter were not safe enough for the child to remain by herself, and he, or Sevika had kept a close watch. Making Powder feel like she didn’t sleep alone. “What if I can’t do it? What if that’s another thing I will mess up?” when tears started rolling down her tired face, he slowly sank through his knees next to her. Taking her arms, he gently turned her to look at him.
“You will not mess it up.” He told her firmly. “You can do this. You might not enjoy it at first, and you will miss what has been, but you will be able to do this.”
She blinked, gazing at him, swallowing away the lump in her throat. Now at eye level, she was able to study his face a little more. She hadn’t really gotten a chance to do that yet. His black eye frightened her a little from afar, but up close the red and orange of his iris intrigued her. It was like Silco had tiny dancing flames inside his eye. “Can you still see with it?” she asked softly.
He sighed. “Did you hear me?”
She nodded quickly. He didn’t want to talk about it. Vander taught her not to pry when people didn’t want to talk about themselves. “I can do this.”
“Now go change for bed.”
As she got ready, he took a closer look at the bookcase that had been placed in her room. It had been found somewhere in the building and Sevika thought it a good idea to put it in Powder’s room. She was the only one with a fairly steady childhood, so he pretty much decided to sail on her advice concerning the child. The books were old, and not meant for children. Mostly encyclopedias, and some outdated street maps of the undercity. He took one out, blowing the dust off the cover, and opened it to study someone’s impression of the world below. This person had clearly never been here.
“I’m ready!”
Wrapped in his book, her voice startled him a little. He had forgotten about her altogether. But it was late, and he was tired. He closed the book carefully and put it back on its shelf.
“Will you tell me a story?” she asked as he made his way toward the bed, sitting himself down on the side gingerly.
“What would you like to hear?”
She shrugged. “Like a fairytale?”
He rubbed his tired eyes. He didn’t know any fairytales. Nor were there many fun memories running around his mind he could just cough up to put a child to sleep with. He’d have to ask Sevika to get them some story books tomorrow morning. She was going to love that errand. The memory of a dog came up. That seemed innocent enough.
“when I worked the mines a long time ago, we had a dog running along with us. We gave him a helmet with a light on it so we could see where he went.” He told her. A dog wearing a helmet. Hilarious.
She blinked. “You worked in a mine?”
“Hm, I don’t look like it, do I?”
She shook her head. “Not really. What was the dog’s name?”
Oh dear. He thought about it for a moment. The memory of the coal and dust covered street mutt was faded, and unused for what seemed decades. He didn’t remember where the dog had come from, or how it had started tailing after him and Vander. But it was always there. There was also the memory of part of the mine collapsing, and Vander’s voice frantically calling the dog’s name as it got trapped under the rubble. And Vander being inconsolable for days. “Onyx.”
“Onyx.” Powder repeated softly, gazing at her fairy lights. “Could he do any tricks?”
An image of the dirty animal turning on its hind legs while Vander held a treat above its nose came flooding in, and Silco felt himself grin. “Vander could make him dance.”
Powder smiled tiredly. “A dancing dog.” She mumbled sleepily. “what happened to him?”
He wasn’t going to shock her right now with the dog’s fate, and reached out to pull the blankets up to her chin. She was nearly asleep, though still fighting it. He turned off the little lamp on her nightstand. “I can still see light and shadows.” He told her softly. “sometimes colors, when a room is bright enough. I’m not blind, I can see you coming.” Half asleep, Powder nodded. “Goodnight, child.”
He pulled himself up from the bed and contemplated for a moment what to do about the fairy lights. They were dim enough for the child to sleep with. And perhaps she didn’t want to be in the dark completely. He decided to leave them on. The colors gave the room a gentle colorful glow. He left the door ajar, and hoped she would sleep through the night.
R&R