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It was supposed to be a quiet Saturday evening. One Stacey usually spends to catch up on online lectures she missed. But here she was, at the restobar she and her friends usually frequented. Stacey decided to forego her usual routine since it has been a few months since they last saw each other. Well, more like since they last saw or talked to Stacey.
The past four months, Stacey’s been avoiding her friends. Not that there is anything wrong. She just felt like she needed the space. She stopped talking to them and when she reached out again, they arranged this get-together because they haven’t been complete in a while.
Of course, she received a few teasings about how she just disappeared out of nowhere and completely ghosted them. But she knew they were fine, it’s what she does when things get too hard to handle. It is just easier to escape to another country for a while so that she doesn’t lose herself in her reality.
Her Europe trip was a good break from everything. It was what she needed after the suffocating routine her life has become, she convinced herself. The air felt easier to breathe, the roads didn’t seem to be an exhausting unending cycle, and Stacey swears the water was better for her skin. The people didn’t hurt either, it was where she met the woman she was currently dating.
Not a relationship, just an exclusive dating situation that they established after a few weeks of dates under the moonlight, of hands that entangle the moment the distance is close enough, of unbridled laughters in the streets despite the judging look from strangers, of whispered assurances, of inside jokes formed in hushed giggles, and of the noise complaints they received from other hotel guests wherever they were staying. But no, they are not girlfriends, it’s completely casual. Because Stacey can’t handle a serious relationship right now, it’s too complicated, she says.
“So, Mikha, why did you decide to follow Stacey here? Aren’t you busy with… whatever you do in life?” Colet asked the woman her friend brought home from her supposedly ‘solo trip’.
“Isang eyy naman d’yan para kay ate Colet, so serious sheesh.” Their bunso, being the bunso that she is, teased the older woman which earned a few laughs from their friends.
“I’m not that busy right now naman ‘cause I skipped this semester to travel.” Mikha answered with a small smile on her face.
“What’s your course? And where do you study?” Despite Sheena’s previous teasing, Colet retained her serious face and asked Mikha.
“I’m taking Architecture at DLSU. How about y-“ Mikha tried to return the question.
“Wait, you took a semester off just to travel right? Parang ang iresponsable naman yata. Sigurado ka bang choice mo ‘yan o napilitan ka dahil nagka-problema ang grades mo?” Colet cut off Mikha’s attempt at being friendly. Her expression not changing and the girls started to feel a bit of tension.
“Ate Col naman, ano ba ‘to, interview? Tama na ‘yan. Shot mo na oh” Stacey interjected, trying to keep the atmosphere light. The other girls agreed, urging Colet to just enjoy their night.
“No, it’s fine. I assure you, ate Colet, my grades are fine. It’s just that I’ve been wanting to travel for a while and I decided to just go for it, you know? Also, it was the perfect timing din. Kasi if I didn’t go when I did, edi I wouldn’t have met Stacey.” Mikha answered with ease and turned to Stacey with a teasing smile. The latter blushed and turned the other way.
“Asus, sa ganyan ka pala nakukuha Stacey ha” Maloi teased the younger girl which was followed by more jokes by their friends, leaving Stacey flustered and maybe even a bit shy.
Colet also let go of her objective to infer about Mikha’s life and joined the girls in teasing Stacey, whose face is now as red as the hair of the girl beside her. During the chaos, a girl in black round-rimmed glasses looked around to find her friends. Noticing how much fun they were having, she opted to slow her steps so as to not disturb them right away.
“Uy, si Jho!” Gwen said as soon as she saw Jhoanna walking towards them. Stacey’s attention was immediately caught and her head turned to look at her best friend.
“Jho, habol sa tagay” Maloi said while filling up shots for the girl to take.
“Sorry I’m late hehe. May biglaang meeting kasi sa org eh.” Jhoanna apologized as soon as she was within hearing distance to her friends.
“Jho, tabi tayo. I missed you.” Stacey looked her friend in the eye. Trying to convey how much she meant her words.
“Weh? Hindi mo nga ako minessage eh. Tsaka masikip na d’yan, dito nalang ako sa tabi ni bebe.” Jhoanna said with a light tone in an attempt to joke around but Stacey knew she meant it. She started taking the shots from Maloi, a part of her wanting to decline but also feeling guilty for being late.
“Ano ba naman Jho, na-miss nga kita. Ako ba hindi mo na-miss? Shee, palit tayo oh. Tabi kami ni Jho.” Stacey started to stand up from Mikha’s side to change seats.
“Namiss kita syempre, pero d’yan ka nalang. Ano, iiwan mo bisita mo? Nga pala, I’m Jhoanna. Sorry, na-miss ko ata yung get-to-know segment.” Jhoanna laughed softly as she changed the topic to Stacey’s guest.
“Oo, ‘te Jho. Grabe si ate Colet kanina. Kung makatanong akala mo s’ya si tita Ivy eh.” The youngest answered, and Colet just laughed as the girls teased her.
“No worries. I’m Mikha Lim, by the way. Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you from Stacey, you guys are best friends diba?” Mikha answered politely, trying to start a conversation with the other girl.
“Pwede na, minsan masaya naman din kasama ‘yan…” Jhoanna joked with a grin on her face. Looking at the girl across from her, Stacey, to tease her.
“So inamin mo rin, sakin ka masaya. Lagi ko naman kasing sinasabi Jho, kung crush mo ko, sabihin mo nalang.” Stacey replied, starting a teasing match with the girl.
“Crush mo pala si Staku eh.” Aiah joined in on teasing the second youngest.
“Aba, may selective hearing ka ata. Sabi ko ‘minsan’. Nakakatuwa ka minsan. Naku, maglinis ka rin kasi ng tainga mo.” Jhoanna, emphasizing the word ‘minsan’, teased back.
“Hindi, Jho eh. Parang narinig ko rin sabi mo masaya ka kapag kasama mo si Stacey eh.” Maloi said with a playful expression on her face. The others also agreed, all of them choosing to tease the latecomer.
“Pano ba ‘yan, Jho. Lahat kami pareho ng narinig. Aminin mo nalang na crush mo ‘ko, I don’t mind naman.” Stacey said and laughed with the girls. Jhoanna settled on making a face to the girl across from her.
“Uy, Mikha, joke-joke lang ‘to ha. Baka magselos, Stacey bigyan mo naman ng assurance.” Jhoanna shifted the attention and the never ending teasing to the pair in front of her.
“Oh, it’s fine. I find it amusing din, actually. Stacey mentioned nga na you guys get teased daw na ‘mag-asawa’ kayo?” Mikha said, completely alright with the banter.
“Okay lang sayo? Hindi ka naman uncomfy? I mean, kung yung girlfriend ko kasi inaasar sa iba, baka pati ako maasar.” Jhoanna asked in a humorous manner, earning laughter from the girls, the loudest being Mikha’s.
“Hindi naman kami ‘girlfriends’ so it’s fine.” Mikha answered, still laughing a little from what Jhoanna said.
“Ha? Eh ano kayo? Sabi kasi sakin ni ate Aiah, Stacey brought a girl daw eh.” Jhoanna asked, confused.
“It’s uhm… compl-“ Stacey started to speak but got cut off
“We’re casually dating, but we’re exclusive.” Mikha said. The shock is evident on Jhoanna’s face. She is not surprised by the label, she knows Stacey doesn’t do ‘serious’ but she was taken aback by how at ease Mikha is saying that.
“Chappell Roan ang peg nila, Jho.” Maloi joked.
“‘Yan din reaksyon namin, Jho.” Colet said as she noticed Jhoanna’s face and laughed. “Oh, shot ka na muna.”
“Anyway, Mikha, inaasar namin silang ‘mag-asawa’ kasi you saw naman paano sila magbangayan diba.” Aiah diverted the topic back to Mikha’s previous statement.
“Tsaka yung rings nila.” Gwen added.
“Ah oo nga, ‘yan kasi si Jho ang sweet na ewan. May time na sobrang busy naming lahat to the point na hindi na kami nakakapagkita, and when Jho and I saw each other sa library, we sat together pero hindi kami nag-usap. Parang timang diba?” Stacey laughed as she was talking while the other girls listened despite how many times they’ve heard the story. Mikha, who is hearing the story for the first time, was amused.
“Nag-aaral ako noon and I didn’t pay attention to anything else other than my reviewer kasi malapit na final exam. Then biglang may inabot na paper ring sakin si Jho. Tinanong pa ako kung galit ako sakanya kasi di ko raw s’ya kinakausap.”
“‘Te, alangan daldalin kita roon eh library ‘yon. Edi pinaalis tayo sa lakas ng tawa natin.” Stacey looked at Jhoanna to tease her as she said.
“Tatawanan ko na dapat kaso nagpabebe, paiyak na pala s’ya noon. Grabe diba, sa library ka lang pala makakakita ng umiiyak na mangga.” Stacey joked. The girls laughed while Jhoanna playfully rolled her eyes while laughing softly.
“After that, we decided na sabay na kami lagi mag-aaral sa library. And tuwing nag-aaral kami, binibigyan ako lagi ni Jho ng isang paper ring.” Stacey concluded her story with a smile on her face.
“Hoy, hindi lang basta paper ring ha. Pink na paper ring. Baka kasi mag-inarte ka pa sakin.” Jhoanna teased the girl.
“Oo na, pink na paper ring. Pero yung una white, baka sabihin mo pa light pink ‘yon ha? Jusko Jho, kulayan ko nalang ba?” Stacey teased back, settling on the comfortable pattern of teasing each other.
“White ‘yon kasi pinunit ko lang naman sa reviewer ko ‘yon. Akala ko kasi nagtatampo ka.” Jhoanna answered a bit more seriously this time but the smile on her face never left.
“So naisip mo na ang katumbas ng paggawa ng paper ring is yung pagbili mo ng totoong singsing kay Jho? Grabe naman talaga ang isang Stacey Sevilleja.” Maloi teased and the others joined in, but since the red-haired girl had no idea, the confusion was evident on Mikha’s face.
“Every time I travel, binibilhan ko si Jho ng ring to give to her pag-uwi ko. Baka kasi magtampo eh.” Stacey half-explained and half-joked to Mikha. “Ilan na nga nabigay ko sayo? Lima na ‘no?” Stacey turned to Jhoanna to ask.
“Oo. Kapag gipit ako, isasangla ko Staks ha.” Jhoanna joked. The other girls jokingly asked for a cut.
“Oh, gawin na nating anim.” Stacey said and gave Jhoanna a navy blue ring box across the table. Mikha, although still amused, started to feel worry creep in.
“Yun oh, iba ka talaga Staku.” The oldest said, starting the teasing on the two ‘best friends’.
“Buksan mo na, ‘te Jho. Gusto namin makita ilang bato meron ‘yan.” The youngest half-joked, curious as to what Stacey gave her best friend.
The other girls also urged Jhoanna to open it, just as curious as Sheena. Jhoanna looked at Stacey to ask if it’s okay, and the latter agreed by giving her a small nod. Jhoanna then opened the small box which revealed a simple gold ring adorned with six sapphire gemstones that are evenly spaced. The girls’ excitement showed through their non-stop teasing. As an attempt to conclude the topic, Jhoanna closed the box and was about to keep it in her bag.
“Isuot mo, Jho.” Stacey said, staring at Jhoanna.
“Gusto ko makitang suot mo yung singsing na bigay ko.”
Jhoanna was surprised by the lack of humor in her voice, but brushed it off to the alcohol. Still, she complied and slipped the ring on her right ring finger. Despite their friends’ teasing, she didn’t retaliate. She just stared at the ring on her finger for a while to appreciate her best friend’s gift. Unbeknownst to everyone, every ring Stacey has given her has the name ‘Sevilleja’ engraved inside. That’s why she doesn’t wear them that much, because it brings up feelings she doesn’t want to deal with in public. While she was drowning in her own thoughts, Stacey looked at her with eyes full of admiration. Stacey knew Jhoanna doesn’t know how to properly voice her gratitude, that’s not what their friendship is like. Nevertheless, Stacey can see how much she cherished it. It’s one of those things that doesn’t need to be uttered to be known.
Mikha watched the entire exchange and in that moment, she knew she and Stacey will never be anything more than what they currently are. Even if Stacey becomes her girlfriend, they will never have what Stacey has with her best friend. Despite being willing to pursue a serious relationship with the girl, she’ll just have to recognize her losses, Mikha thinks. Because she knows she’ll only lose battles that someone already won, in this case, it was Jhoanna.
“Thank you, Staku. Baka ikaw talaga yung may crush sakin. Sabihin mo nalang, I don’t mind naman.” Jhoanna said, wiggling her eyebrows to tease the girl.
“Gaya-gaya!” Stacey answered with mock annoyance, though everyone knew she was anything but annoyed.
“Alam n’yo, bakit hindi nalang kayo?” Gwen suddenly said in a light but serious manner.
“Lasing ka na ata, Gwenny. ‘Wag n’yo nang bigyan ng tagay si Gwen ha.” Maloi said jokingly, but noting that the girl might become a bit too drunk if they let her drink more.
“Hindi naman, I was just wondering kung naisip n’yo na ba ‘yon.” Gwen answered defending her soberness.
“I agree with ate Maloi, bebe. ‘Wag ka na uminom kasi baka hindi ka makauwi mamaya.” Sheena said to remind Gwen that she has to stay sober enough to go home. “But, naisip ko na rin yan. Bakit hindi nyo pa tina-try?” Sheena turned to look at Jhoanna and Stacey alternately to ask. Her tone is the same teasing one she always was but this time with more curiosity.
“Medyo insensitive na ‘yan, Shee. Nakakahiya kay Mikha oh. Sorry Mikha ha, ganyan lang talaga ‘yan ‘pag lasing. Kung ano-ano na sinasabi.” Colet said, worried that they’ve taken the teasing too far and offended Mikha.
“Oh no, okay lang naman. It makes sense, hindi n’yo pa ba na-try? Like, ever?” Mikha, who has accepted that she’d never have an actual chance with Stacey, inquired.
“Naku, hindi ‘no. Sa ugali palang n’yan ni Staks, baka first date palang namin maging murder case sa inis ko sakanya.” Jhoanna answered jokingly. Stacey chose not to reply, eager for the topic to end knowing that it won’t take too long for it to be awkward. It was something they have never talked about and she definitely has no interest in talking about it now.
“But have you ever wondered about what it would be like? Even just as a passing thought?” Aiah, seemingly just as curious as everyone, asked further.
“Hindi ‘no.” Answered Stacey and Jhoanna at the same time. They looked at each other, surprised about their answer.
For Jhoanna, it was a total lie. She spent countless hours thinking about it. She thought maybe it could be her who would change Stacey’s ways. Maybe she could be the stop to Stacey’s never-ending flings. Maybe she could be the one Stacey stays with longer than a couple of weeks. Maybe she could be the first who would get the privilege of calling Stacey her girlfriend. Maybe she could be the person Stacey runs to when things feel too much instead of fleeing. Maybe, just maybe, she could be the reason Stacey finally stays. But she knew it would always just be a ‘maybe’. It’s just one of those things that she’d ponder about during times she doesn’t have anything to distract herself with. She doesn’t have the courage to actually do something about it, so she’d just have to wait and hope that someday the thought never occurs to her again.
On the other hand, Stacey was telling the truth. Somehow. She has never thought about what it would be like to be with Jhoanna in that way. Instead, she usually thinks about what it would be like after they end. After they end, yes. Because Stacey is sure that they would. That if they ever tried, they might be together longer than her past romantic affairs but it will still be years of friendship down the drain. Wasted just because they tried to make it work despite knowing from the start that they cannot. She’s convinced that she will eventually ruin it. At some point, her fears and uncertainty will catch up to them and it’ll just hurt her Jhoanna.
Suddenly, something she’s always feared flashed in her mind.
She’s in a cute coffee shop near her condominium building. Sipping her iced macchiato while working on her new business venture when a brunette with black round glasses wearing a striped blue polo enters. The wind chime made a noise so she looked up. Her heart beat picks up and then she starts hearing it.
Oh ‘wag kang tumingin
Nang ganyan sa’kin
She looked at the woman ordering coffee and scanned her face. It isn’t her, she thinks. The song on her head starts to fade but it’s still there. She didn’t know if she was glad or disappointed that it wasn’t her, but one thing’s for sure, she can’t focus on anything else now.
She was walking around the mall when she saw it. There were a lot of children around because there was an event about some cartoon. On a small table, there were two kids. One of them got on one knee and gave the other a paper ring. A pink paper ring.
‘Wag mo akong kulitin
‘Wag mo akong tanungin
She was stopped on her tracks. A bittersweet memory flashing on her mind. She then shook her head and continued her walk, the song still playing on the back of her head.
Then, she’s at the workplace. Her assistant, just outside her office, is talking to someone from human resources. She was busy reviewing the monthly reports when she heard a laugh. A laugh she hasn’t heard in a long time.
Dahil katulad mo
Ako rin ay nagbago
She immediately stopped what she was doing to look at the person who just laughed. She realized it’s not her. Of course, it’s impossible. She stood up to close her door and went back to her task, getting used to the song her mind usually plays.
After a tiring day, all Stacey wanted to do was sleep on her bed. As she was lying down, she received a notification on her phone. Thinking it might be about work, she picked it up. But when she saw it, she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for a while.
‘Di na tayo katulad ng dati
Kay bilis ng sandali
Someone sent her a friend request, Jhoanna. But not her Jhoanna, just the new hire from marketing. She doesn’t know why Jhoanna from marketing sent a friend request, but she was thinking about just declining the request. Realizing she might get a new request from her, she opted to block the girl. It wasn’t personal, she just couldn’t take that feeling again. She tried to sleep but was unable to, so instead she just sang the song that’s been on her head for a while. Repeatedly singing until she falls asleep.
It was a Wednesday morning when she passed by the church she usually goes to on Sundays. The place was full of people in gowns and tuxedos. There must be a wedding, the girl thought. She continued walking until the priest said a name she hasn’t given herself the privilege to utter in years.
“…Robles, do you take Brylle Jordan Sebastian Uyam as your lawfully wedded husband?”
Oh, kay tagal din kitang minahal
She wanted to go on. She wanted to walk away. To run as far as possible. But her legs can’t. She seemed to be glued to her position, unable to move away and protect herself. The longer she stays, the more painful it’ll be, she knew, but she had to stay. She had to see her once again, even for the last time.
She stood outside the chapel, waiting to see her again. She longed to see the girl’s smile she always loved. She hoped that this could replace her last memory of the girl, when Jhoanna was crying and begging her not to leave. She wanted to see the girl finally happy after what she put her through. She kept thinking how it would be like to look at her face again. She had to see her happy again. Even if it’s not because of her. Even if it would absolutely crush her. She just had to.
“You may now kiss the bride.”
As she heard those words, she braced herself for what she was about to see. After making sure that she’ll be okay, she stared right at the couple and was relieved at what she saw. It was a Robles but it wasn’t her. She didn’t know the woman but realizing that Jhoanna might be there was enough to make her leave. She left without looking back. The only reminder that she might’ve seen the woman she loved for years was the increased beating of her heart and the song in her head that she now associates with her. Only this time, the song doesn’t seem to fade into the background.
Oh kay tagal din kitang minahal
“Pero seryoso nga, i-try n’yo kaya?” Sheena’s suggestion pulled Stacey out of thoughts.
“Bakit mo ba kami pinipilit? We’re best friends, yun na yun, Shee. Ano ba naman oh.” Jhoanna said in a casual manner but there was an unmistakable pain in her voice.
“You know, Shee. Kahit i-try namin, it wouldn’t work out.” Stacey said, although she was talking to Sheena, she was looking straight at Jhoanna.
”Tama na, lasing ka na, Stacks.” Jhoanna said, trying to stop the girl from saying anything she might regret.
“Paano mo naman nasabi?” Sheena asked, curious about the older girl’s thoughts.
Stacey paused for a moment. By now, everyone stopped what they were doing to listen to the girl. All of them are just waiting for what Stacey is going to say. Jhoanna opened her mouth to say something but got cut off.
“I just know na if we tried, I would lose her. And that’s the last thing I want.” Stacey answered, only looking at Jhoanna eyes. The latter felt like her best friend was staring right into her soul.
“Oh tama na, tigilan n’yo na sila. Tsaka tanong kayo nang tanong kina Jho. Eh kayo ba, Sheena at Gwen, bakit hindi n’yo i-try?” Colet said to bring back the light atmosphere that they momentarily lost. The attention was diverted to the two but Stacey, lost in her own thoughts, was still staring at Jhoanna.
The discussion about the possibility of her and Jhoanna died but her thoughts did not. She was certain she would only hurt the girl if they tried. She would never mean to, of course, but she still would. She would lose her and she would spend the rest of her life finding pieces of Jhoanna in other people just to feel something. She would do anything she can to restrain herself from wanting Jhoanna too much. To have her means to possibly lose her. And Stacey would rather never have Jhoanna than to experience the joy of being with her just to eventually lose it.
The girls kept teasing Gwen and Sheena. They were calling out their nicknames, closeness, and how they seem to always have a ‘hang-out’ with just the two of them. Jhoanna made jokes as well, of course. But she noticed Stacey’s quietness and turned to look to see if she’s okay and saw that the girl was still staring at her.
Stacey’s eyes met Jhoanna, and she hoped that the latter didn’t get mad about what she said. She wanted to clarify her statement. To further explain her side so that Jhoanna doesn’t get offended. She’s worried that her best friend might have taken it the wrong way and thought she was implying that something was wrong with her.
The rambling in her head only stopped when she saw Jhoanna smile at her. The girl gave her a small nod as if to say she understands. Stacey felt herself smile. She was finally able to let go of her worries knowing they were fine.
She didn’t have to say anything. The nod meant that the girl would never pry, would never ask, and would never bring up the topic again. Jhoanna may not have known but she understood, just like she always has with Stacey. Before teasing the girls, she glanced at the girl once again and shared a bittersweet smile with her Jhoanna.
A smile that says they both know that the feeling is mutual. But it was also an unspoken agreement: that they would never let Stacey ever lose Jhoanna, which means that they’ll never be anything other than best friends. And sometimes that’s enough.
Oh, kay tagal din kitang mamahalin