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Jhoanna has always been perceptive, it’s what her parents noticed since her childhood. As an only child, she was prone to observing other people’s behaviors and what caused them to act in such way. She always tries to figure out where someone’s coming from rather than ask them outright because at a young age, she learned that not everyone can explain their thoughts and emotions well.
That’s why when Stacey spoke, she immediately understood where the conversation was going: to a point where there’s no turning back. And if it haunts her tomorrow morning, she’ll just have to find something to blame it on.
“You know, Shee. Kahit i-try namin, it wouldn’t work out” Stacey said, looking straight at her despite answering a question Sheena asked.
“Tama na, lasing ka na, Stacks” She said trying to stop the girl from saying anything. Her heart’s racing, she desperately wants to know why because she’s certain that they could make it if they tried. But she had to stop it because her best friend is drunk and this should not be a group conversation.
“Paano mo naman nasabi?” The youngest, ever so curious, pried.
Jhoanna was waiting for what the girl is planning to say. But after a few seconds of silence that felt like hours, she chose to say something to completely close the topic. Unfortunately for her, Stacey beat her.
“I just know na if we tried, I would lose her. And that’s the last thing I want.” Stacey answered, still looking at her, the girl’s gaze unwavering.
She felt bare, naked even. But not in the violated way she feels when guys look at her. This time, she felt vulnerable. Like Stacey can do anything she wants to her, and she would gladly accept. It was admittedly scary. Maybe this is how Stacey feels most of the time, she thinks. Her heart didn’t know if it should be overjoyed that the girl treasured her that much or be broken because Stacey outright said that she would never be with her in the way her entire being longs to be. She wants to speak to make her side heard, but it seems like she’s unable to form thoughts as of the moment. Her emotions are running high and combined with the alcohol flowing through her system, she thought it would be best not to open her mouth.
“Oh tama na, tigilan n’yo na sila. ‘Tsaka tanong kayo nang tanong kina Jho. Eh kayo ba, Sheena at Gwen, bakit hindi n’yo i-try?” Luckily, Colet changed the topic. And everyone’s attention was diverted to the other two girls.
After regaining control of her emotions, she joined the others in teasing the two. It was so cute, they were stuttering and their faces were so red in a way that they can’t blame the alcohol. Amidst the teasing, she noticed that her best friend is still quietly staring at her.
She must be overthinking again, Jhoanna thought. To ease her best friend’s worries, she smiled and nodded to the girl. To say that they were fine and that she was not mad. It must’ve worked because the girl finally smiled. Jhoanna took another shot and caught Stacey’s gaze when the girl glanced at her, and they shared a smile. A silent promise of an agreement that is breaking her heart. But it doesn’t matter, if that’s what will make Stacey happy, then so be it.
One would think she should be used to that feeling. After all, Stacey’s been breaking her heart over and over again for years. She knew it wasn’t on purpose, but knowing that never made it hurt less. In fact, it may even have amplified the heartbreaks because they could be happy. She is so certain of that. But they don’t seem to see eye to eye about that. Before letting her thoughts drift further, she had to go somewhere else to sit with her thoughts alone.
“Wait lang ha, smoke break lang” Jhoanna excused herself, starting to stand up.
“Akala ko ba tumigil ka na sa vape, Robles?” Stacey asked. The girl had always been strict with her bad habits.
“Tumigil na sa vape kasi sigarilyo na raw, beh” Maloi joked which earned laughs from the girls, but Stacey’s irritated expression stopped them.
“So ano, naninigarilyo ka na ngayon? Kailan pa ‘yan?” Stacey asked, starting to feel irritated that she only found out now.
“Stressed lang ako these past few months, hindi naman ako nakaka-isang pack sa isang araw. Promise, isa-isa na stick naman lang minsan.” Jhoanna answered, trying not to irritate the girl even more.
“Masama ‘yan sayo eh. Hindi naman kita pipigilan pero sana makontrol natin, Jho. At ano, hindi mo man lang naisip na sabihin sakin?” Stacey asked, hurt and confused. Also worried because her best friend doesn’t have the best immune system.
“Noong nakaraan lang naman ako nag-start. Tagal mo rin akon- kami. Matagal kang walang paramdam saamin, Stacey.” Jhoanna said, she never took it to heart that Stacey randomly just stops communicating with them for months on end. But right now, she feels like the girl is blaming her for the things she missed.
Stacey’s gaze softened, realizing how her behavior may have come off. She wanted to apologize but the girl already took off. She contemplated whether to follow her, but ultimately chose against it. Maybe she needs some time alone, Stacey thought.
Jhoanna chose to go to the parking lot and leaned on her ate Colet’s car. Initially, needing a smoke break was just an excuse to leave for a while, but now she really needs one. She took a cigarette from her pocket and luckily, she brought her lighter tonight. She lit it and took a puff, the smoke immediately making her feel more relaxed. It was like each puff takes some weight off her shoulders. She finished her cigarette without thinking and was shocked when she saw that she was now at the butt. She used her fingers to completely put out the cigarette and threw it in the nearest trash bin. She may be a smoker, but she has respect so she wouldn’t just throw it wherever like everyone else.
She was about to come back inside but she felt like she needed more time alone. She hasn’t really given herself the opportunity to think. So she went back to Colet’s car to let her thoughts flow. Her hand itches though, she knows that she said she only smokes one stick at most per session but she feels like she needs it badly.
Jhoanna contemplated. This is how smokers get addicted, she thinks. But after the day she had, she felt that she deserved it. Her day started with an alarm that didn’t ring, making her miss her first class, and her professor in that class does not allow latecomers so the door is locked after 15 minutes. She opted to stay in the library but to her luck, it was closed for renovations. She then went to the nearest coffee shop to study and although it started out alright, a large group of friends arrived and sat at the table behind her. Trying to stay positive, she just searched her bag for her headphones to drown out the noise, but of course, she left it.
With only an hour before her next class, she just decided not to bother coming back to her condo unit to retrieve the headphones. She was able to attend all her remaining classes but during her last class, her phone buzzed. She looked and saw that Aiah had texted her but she ignored it. Then it buzzed again. And again a few more times, so she finally checked to see if it were urgent.
‘Saw Stacey earlier, may girl s’yang kasama.’
‘They met on her trip ata.’
‘She’s bringing her later daw, wanted to give you a heads up lang.’
‘Love you, Jho. Ingat later ha. <3’
That caused her to zone out and unfortunately for her, her professor has been asking her a question. It’s only when her professor tapped her desk that she realized he was talking to her. Even though her professor was understanding, she was still embarrassed. After her class, she immediately went to the powder room to compose herself.
She didn’t want to go later. She was excited before because she hasn’t seen her best friend in a while but after finding out she’s bringing a girl with her, her eagerness vanished. She texted Aiah back, saying she’ll be late due to a sudden meeting. Truth is, she just wanted more time to prepare herself. She even has a plan to just tell them she can’t make it because the meeting seems to run late. But she knows they were expecting her presence so she went anyway. When she first saw them sitting together, it didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would. She figured she’d be able to survive the night, but after what happened, she needs help from her little friend full of chemicals that would reduce both her stress and lifespan.
So consequences be damned, she decided to take one more stick from her pocket. After taking the first puff from her second cigarette, she sighed deeply. She took a second puff, then a third, and a fourth. On the fifth, that’s when she was finally able to focus on her thoughts.
They were in the first year of junior high school when they first met. Stacey was friendly but it was obvious that she prefers to keep people at an arm’s length. It’s one of the reasons why Jhoanna was so intrigued by her. Stacey is nice to everyone, unlike other pretty girls who seem to think they’re some sort of queen bee. When one looks at her, they’d think that what they see is all there is to her but the truth is it’s so hard to read her. It’s like she’s wearing a mask and underneath that is another mask. Even after knowing her more, it would still be hard to distinguish if she’s just wearing another mask. That year, Jhoanna made it her goal to be as close with the girl as much as she would let her.
Jhoanna put effort into talking to her more than just small talk. She sits beside her whenever she can even though their teachers tell her to return to her assigned seat. She knew she could charm her way out of trouble.
They became close friends easily. It wasn’t that hard because they were drawn to each other, like magnets. They were both friends with everyone but they were best friends. The two were so inseparable that other people would be confused when they see one of them without the other.
One day, they had a conversation about family. Jhoanna found out that Stacey was still young when her parents broke up and she was left with her mother. The day her father gave her mother the details of the bank account her father set up for her was the last time she ever saw her father. That was when she was seven years old, and she hasn’t seen or talked to her father since. Her account just receives bank transfers monthly. Although, when it has less than four digits, her father sends her money even though he already sent some that month. Stacey never had to worry about finances because her father’s idea of raising her is sending money.
“I guess never n’ya talaga ginusto magka-anak. Or maybe he just never wanted me.” Stacey said with a sad expression on her face.
Jhoanna didn’t know what to say to comfort the girl. After all, her parents have always showered her with all the love they can give. She opted to just hug the girl and try to make her feel loved. In that moment, Jhoanna vowed to herself that she’d always make sure that Stacey feels wanted.
They were in grade 8 when Jhoanna realized that Stacey may like her, not as a friend. At first, she thought maybe that’s just how Stacey is as a friend.
The kind that never fails to bring her lunch to make sure that she’d never be hungry. Stacey started doing that when Jhoanna forgot her lunch at home and didn’t have enough money to buy her own. Her friend bought her food that time and scolded her for her negligence.
“Oh ayan, adobo. Ang bata-bata mo pa, ulyanin ka na, Jho! Kumain ka na, baka magkasakit ka eh.” Stacey said before they ate.
The next day, Jhoanna made sure to bring her packed lunch and money. She intends to reimburse her friend for the lunch she bought for her the previous day. But to her surprise, Stacey brought lunch for both of them.
“Ano ‘to?” Jhoanna asked after Stacey placed a food container in front of her.
“Lunch box, hindi ba obvious?” Stacey teased.
“Para saan?”
“Lalagyan ng pagkain, s’yempre”
“Para kanino?”
“Sa’yo, alangang kay sir Garcia edi sana sakanya ko binigay diba”
“Bak-“
“Jho, ilang tanong pa ba bago tayo kumain? Baka gusto mo ako na magsubo sa’yo para tumigil ka.” Stacey said as a joke.
“May dala naman akong pagkain eh…” Jhoanna said while scratching the back of her neck.
“Edi ‘wag mo kainin” Stacey said and was about to snatch the food back but Jhoanna held her hand in place.
“Bakit ka ba kasi nagdala ng pagkain para sa’kin?”
“Baka naiwan mo na naman kasi ‘yung niluto ni tita. Burara ka kasi.”
“Hindi mo naman obligasyong dalhan ako.”
“Eh sa gusto ko, bakit ka ba nakikialam? Kung ayaw mo kainin yung niluto ko, edi ‘wag!” Stacey’s patience was running thin and she snatched the food away from Jhoanna.
“Ikaw nagluto, Staku?”
“Kakasabi lang, Jho. Alam mo, kanina ka pa ganyan. Kumain ka na nga, baka nalipasan ka na ng gutom. ‘Di na gumagana ‘yang utak mo eh.” Stacey said as she opened the lunch Jhoanna’s mother prepared.
“Ayoko n’yan. ‘Wag mo nang buksan” Jhoanna said as she was reaching for the lunch Stacey cooked.
“Ha? Baka pagalitan ka ni tita.” Stacey said as the other girl opened the lunch she prepared.
“Yun oh, sinigang. Mukhang masarap, Stacks. Thank you.”
“Huy, narinig mo ba ‘ko? Paano yung niluto ni tita?”
“Sarap nga. Galing mo magluto. Alam mo ba, noong nakaraan pa ‘ko nagke-crave ng sinigang eh. Buti nalang nagluto ka.”
“Jho”
“Hmm, sarap ng sabaw. Tama lang yung asim.”
“Jhoanna”
“Sinigang din ba sa’yo? Gusto mo ako na magbalat ng hipon mo?”
“Jhoanna Christine!”
“Bakit?”
“Paano ‘to?” Stacey said, pertaining to Jhoanna’s packed lunch.
“Ako na bahala. Kumain ka na.”
When Jhoanna got home, her mother scolded her for not eating the food she prepared. Jhonna Robles was surprised that her daughter’s reason for not eating her food was because her friend cooked for her. Although she was still mad, she forgave her daughter and made a mental note to meet this ‘Staku’ that her daughter can’t seem to stop talking about.
Later that night, Jhoanna received a text from her best friend saying ‘Ako na magdadala ng lunch mo simula ngayon, ‘wag mo na pagurin si tita’. Jhoanna immediately ran to her mother to tell her this. Jhonna was shocked at her daughter’s excitement, she was almost offended that her daughter seems to like her friend’s cooking more than hers. But she realized, maybe it wasn’t just a friend. She just told her daughter that it was fine but she had to introduce this ‘friend’ soon.
This was one of her clues, another was that Stacey was so stressed about making a good impression on her family. Her mother invited the girl to her birthday. When Stacey found out that their other family members were also coming, she started to overcompensate. Stacey asked about every single relative that she’d meet. Jhoanna thought it was so cute that she was even taking notes. When her mother’s birthday came, Stacey arrived at their house with a gift for everyone. Her little cousins were excited and they immediately decided that they like Stacey.
“Ang dami mo namang dala, si mommy lang naman may birthday.” Jhoanna greeted her at the gate.
“Eh nakakahiya kasi, ako lang ata invited na hindi part ng family n’yo”
“Si mommy naman nag-invite sa’yo”
“Kahit na. Ayaw mo ba ng gift?” Stacey teased before giving Jhoanna a small box wrapped in blue wrapping paper.
“Tara na nga.”
Jhoanna introduced Stacey to her relatives one by one. They were impressed, Stacey was very polite and respectful, not to mention, gorgeous.Halfway through, she felt the need to pee. She excused herself and asked Stacey if she’d be okay on her own for a few minutes. The girl assured her it’s fine and that she’d try to get to know everyone while she’s away.
After Jhoanna relieved herself, she remembered Stacey’s gift. She opened it and found a pair of pearl earrings. She immediately went to look for her friend to question her about the gift. But when she spotted the girl, she felt warm with the sight. Stacey was laughing with her uncles and aunts at the table nearest to the karaoke machine while her younger cousins are pulling Stacey to get her to play with them. She watched them for a few minutes before walking over to talk to Stacey.
“Hi po, titos and titas, wait lang po. Hiramin ko lang si Stacey ha.”
“Mamaya na, Tin, lagi mo naman kayong magkasama. Pakantahin muna namin.” One of her aunts said.
“Saglit lang po talaga tita.”
“Pagbigyan na po natin, baka miss na ako agad eh” Stacey joked before leaving with Jhoanna.
“Ano meron, Jho?”
“Bakit ganon ‘yung regalo mo sa’kin, baka mahal yun ha.”
“‘Wag mo na isipin ‘yun. Hindi naman kita bibigyan kung hindi ko gusto. Nasaan pala si tita at tito? Sila nalang kasi hindi ko nakikita.”
“Nasa loob pa si mommy, nag-aayos. Tapos si daddy s’yempre naghihintay sakanya. Gusto mo puntahan natin?”
“‘Wag na, nakakahiya naman.”
“Okay lang ‘yan. Tara” Jhoanna said and pulled Stacey, leaving the girl with no choice but to come with.
They went upstairs and knocked on her parents’ door. Her father opened it and noticed the friend she brought. He immediately invited them in and told his wife that they were here. Jhonna was glad to finally meet the girl whose dishes her daughter chose over hers. Stacey was able to charm her friend’s parents. Her and Jhonna talked about make-up, the matriarch hadn't finished hers and Stacey offered to do it for her. While Stacey and Robles’ patriarch teamed up on teasing Jhoanna. Suffice to say, this wouldn’t be the last time she’s invited to their home.
The time Jhoanna finally realized was on a regular Tuesday in school. Her day started like it always does. She woke up, went to school, and attended her classes. They had one vacant period which they chose to spend on the abandoned playground. The place wasn’t broken, it was just a bit too far from the building. A new one was built in front of the establishment so everyone opted to go to that one instead.
The two of them were on the swings when Jhoanna started to feel a bit dizzy. So they decided to walk back to ask for medicine from the school nurse. But the rain poured just as they were standing. Fortunately, the waiting shed for parents whose children were playing was still there.
“Takbuhin nalang natin, Stacks.” Jhoanna said, not wanting to skip class.
“Masyadong malayo, Jho. Magkakasakit ka.”
“Hindi naman, kaya ko. Tara na, Stacks.”
“Bawal nga. Ayokong magkasakit ka. Nahihilo ka na nga tapos magpapaulan ka pa? Titila rin yan.”
Jhoanna chose not to reply. She just clung to her best friend for warmth. The cold and the rain just made her things worse, because now she has a headache. She tried to breathe through it, hoping it’ll go away but then she lost consciousness.
When she woke up, she was already feeling better. But then she realized she was waiting on the shed with her friend. The sudden realization caused her to stand up and find her friend.
“Oh gising ka na pala. Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo?” Nurse May told her, her best friend nowhere in sight.
“Okay lang po, medyo nilalamig lang po.”
“Nilalagnat ka kasi nang makarating ka rito. Ito, inumin mo pagkatapos mong kumain. Papunta na ang magulang po para sunduin ka.”
“Nurse May, kailan po ako pumunta rito?”
“Dinala ka rito ng kaibigan mo, si Sevilleja. Nahimatay ka raw kaya binuhat ka n’ya. Nagulat nga ako basang basa s’ya habang ikaw tuyo maliban sa sapatos mo.” That’s when Jhoanna realized her feet were bare. Her shoes were in front of the table beside her bed and her socks were nowhere to be found.
“Paano po?”
“Ikinuha ka ata n’ya ng kapote sa guard pero nakalimutan n’yang ikuha sarili n’ya.”
“Nasaan po s’ya ngayon?”
“Umuwi na, wala kasi s’yang dalang damit. Hindi naman pwedeng basang basa s’ya kaya binigyan ko na ng early dismissal slip. Oh s’ya, saglit lang ha. Papainumin ko lang ng gamot ‘yung isa ko pang pasyente.”
Jhoanna spotted her father coming and finding the nurse. After she explained the situation to him and gave him proper instructions about his daughter’s medication, they released Jhoanna.
She came home to a warm rice porridge made by her mother. She ate, and after taking medicine, she went to her room to rest. She was about to sleep when she heard her phone ring. She took her phone and saw that her best friend was calling.
“Kumusta ka?” Stacey said as soon as she answered the call.
“Okay lang ako, ikaw ang kumusta? May sakit ka ba? Basang basa ka raw sabi ni nurse May. Ano ba kasing ginawa mo?” Jhoanna sat up, worried about her friend.
“Isa-isa lang, Jho. Mahina ang ka-“ Stacey stopped to cough.
“Tignan mo! May sakit ka nga! Ikaw pa nagsabi na baka magkasakit ako, ikaw naman pala. Ano nga kasing ginawa mo?”
“Okay lang ako. Umubo lang akala mo naman ikamamatay ko ‘to.”
“Hindi mo parin sinasagot yung tanong ko, Stacey” The girl on the other line went silent for a while.
“Nahimatay ka kasi, Jho. Tinatawag kita and you weren’t responding. Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Kaya inihiga muna kita sa bench tapos tumakbo ako para humingi ng kapote sa guard house. Ang problema lang, gamit na ng ibang guards yung mga kapote at isa nalang ang maipahihiram nila. Naisip ko okay lang, basa naman na ako, at ikaw ang may kailangan. Pagbalik ko sa’yo akala ko magigising ka na kaso hindi pa eh. Kaya isinuot ko sa’yo yung kapote tapos binuhat na kita papunta sa clinic.”
“Hindi mo na dapat ginawa ‘yun. Okay lang naman ako. Dapat sarili mo inisip mo. Ang layo-layo ng playground sa clinic, Stacks. Tignan mo, nagkasakit ka pa tuloy.”
“Don’t say that, Jhoanna.”
“Ang alin?”
“Na dapat ako nalang yung inisip ko. I was so scared. Just minutes before you passed out you said na nahihilo ka, so I panicked. I didn’t want to lose you.”
“OA! Hindi naman ako mamamatay sa hilo.”
“Okay, but I didn’t know that. All I knew was kailangan kitang madala sa clinic as soon as possible. So that’s what I did.”
“Thank you, Staku. Magpapahinga na ako, magpahinga ka na rin ha. Goodnight, I love you.”
“Get well soon, mangga. Goodnight” The other line went silent for a few seconds and Jhoanna thought the other girl had ended the call already when she spoke again.
“I love you too” After that, she heard the beep indicating that the call had ended.
It wasn’t her first time hearing that from her. They always say ‘I love you’ to each other so it was normal. But it felt a bit different this time, like Stacey meant it more than she ever had before. She started to think about their friendship. She looked back to all the things Stacey did for her. She realized there was a lot of stuff she wouldn’t do for others but she did for Jhoanna.
oh.
OH.
oh.
Stacey was in love with her, she realized. She has been for a while now. It all made sense, the things she did are not very ‘just friends’. She then thought about her own feelings.
She always thought Stacey was pretty. Well, not just pretty. Stacey’s attentive, even when she’s sleepy, she notices everything if it would affect Jhoanna. She’s also a good person, in general. When she sees beggars, she buys food and drink for them to make sure they ate at least once that day. She always has a paper bag in her pocket in case there are no trash bins nearby. When someone gets picked on, she stands up for them. She doesn’t engage in bad behavior just because everyone else does. In conclusion, Stacey Sevilleja was the most gorgeous, most morally upright, and most humane person she’d ever met.
‘oh, maybe I like her.’ Jhoanna realized.
Jhoanna then realized that her second cigarette was finished. She put its fire out and disposed of it. Still, she wasn’t ready to come back. She needs a bit more time. And maybe another cigarette. ‘I deserve one more’ she thought to herself as she was lighting up her third cigarette of the night. As she blew the first puff, her first heartbreak flashed in her mind.
“Staku, crush ata kita.” Jhoanna said as a joke, but deep inside, she meant it.
“‘Wag ka nga magbiro ng ganyan.” Stacey said, which confused Jhoanna. But instead of expressing that, she chose the easier path.
“Joke lang eh. Seryoso mo naman, meron ka na ba?”
“Wala!”
They were in grade 9 and unfortunately, they got separated. Jhoanna’s section was Confidence while Stacey’s was Bravery. So they only meet up at lunch and vacants when they have time. But they were still as close as ever and Stacey never stopped bringing her lunch.
She didn’t think much of their conversation but she’d admit that it hurt a bit. But it was nothing compared to what she felt the next day.
Stacey walked the halls with Brian beside her, carrying her bag for her. Brian was Stacey’s classmate, he confessed a few weeks before, asking Stacey if he can court her. The girl immediately declined, saying that relationships aren’t her focus as of the moment. ‘So what is she doing?’, Jhoanna thought to herself.
When lunch time came around, Brian accompanied Stacey to their table before going over to his friends’ table. He didn’t even greet Jhoanna, he just put the lunch bags on the table and left. After Stacey sat, Jhoanna started a conversation.
“Akala ko ba hindi mo gusto si Brian?”
“Hindi nga.”
“Eh ano ‘yun? Nakita ko kayo kanina, buhat-buhat n’ya pa bag mo.”
“He offered.”
“Kung ayaw mo buhatin ‘yung bag mo, sana sinabi mo sakin. Susunduin kita para ako na nagbuhat.”
“You don’t have to, ‘tsaka nandun naman na kasi si Brian.”
“Eh syempre kasi gusto ka n’ya”
“Alam ko, ano naman?”
“Sabi mo ayaw mo sakanya?”
“He messaged me last night. Nanghihingi ng chance.”
“And?”
“I gave him one”
“Bakit?”
“Bored ako eh.”
“Akala ko ba hindi mo type?”
“Cute naman s’ya kaya ‘di na rin ako lugi.”
“Cute din naman ako…”
“Cute ka nga, kaya for sure marami ring nagkakagusto sa’yo. Why not give them a chance?”
Jhoanna went silent for a minute, trying to prevent the green-eyed monster from taking over her emotions. She thought Stacey didn’t like what she said the previous day because she wasn’t ready for anything like that. As it turns out she just didn’t want her.
“Basta. Naalala ko, ‘di ko pa pala tapos assignment ko sa Science. Sa room ko nalang ‘to kakainin. Thank you sa lunch.” Jhoanna said and left hurriedly without waiting for a reply. She couldn’t control her emotions, she feels like she’ll combust if she had to stay one more minute talking about being with other people.
When she got home later that day, she couldn’t eat so she went straight to her room and locked herself in. She noticed that Stacey left her a few messages but she ignored them, too hurt about the conversation they had earlier. She ended up blasting Kitchie Nadal all night, trying to exhaust all the pain so that she doesn’t feel any of it the next day.
The Brian thing lasted for about 9 days before Stacey told him it’s not going to work out. Jhoanna felt relieved when she found out but that was taken away when she found a week later that Stacey’s seeing someone named Stella. It only lasted a week but she wasn’t the last. After Stella, came a Matthew, then a JC, an Allison, a Kim, an Oliver, a Gabriel, a Joshua, a Louie, an Angela, and many more. If Jhoanna’s heartbreaks had names, that would be those. Every time Stacey tells her that she’s dating someone new, her heart breaks a bit more than it did last time. Because all along, Jhoanna was there, so why couldn’t it be her?
When summer break came, she decided that she’s getting over Stacey. Maybe she was just believing her delusions when she concluded that Stacey was in love with her. ‘Stupid Jhoanna’, she insulted herself.
Grade 10, the last year of junior high. Unfortunately, the two best friends weren’t lucky enough to get the same section. But Jhoanna thought it was for the better, this way, she’d be able to move on. Time passed quickly and although Jhoanna hadn't really moved on from the girl, she was able to hide it better. She didn’t feel the need to cry every time Stacey talks about someone else anymore.
One day, as she was walking Stacey to her room, one of her classmates approached her and introduced himself. She didn’t think much of it, she was just glad that she’s making new friends. Slowly, they became friends. Then he confessed that he always had a crush on her but was too scared to say anything. So when he saw a chance to befriend her, he took it. He asked if he can court her but assured her that they can remain friends if she weren’t interested.
Jhoanna chose to give him a chance. The school year’s about to end so if it doesn’t work out, she wouldn’t have to spend months awkwardly passing him in the halls. It was a good experience for her. He was a gentleman and he asked for her parents’ consent before doing anything even though the girl already gave him a go signal. He was nice, he made her feel important and loved. Though, at the end of the day, it was still Stacey for her, so she can’t give him a ‘yes’ just yet. But she was really trying because he can see that he’s a good guy.
It was the day of their moving up ceremony when Stacey blew up. She has noticed it for a while. Frowning when he was nearby, rolling her eyes at the mention of his name, scoffing when he talks to Jhoanna, the dismissive behavior when he tries to befriend her, and bumping his shoulders when walking past him. It was clear as day that Stacey did not like Taneo. She tried talking to her about it but the girl always played dumb, acting as if those were all coincidental. She chose to stop bringing up that topic. Until she found Stacey crying in the comfort room after the ceremony.
“Stacks? Bakit ka umiiyak?” Jhoanna said as she was approaching the crying girl, worried about what caused her best friend’s tears.
“Jho” Stacey saw her and immediately clung to her.
“Hmm? Anong problema?” Jhoanna said as she held the girl in her arms.
“Jho” Stacey said as if she didn’t have the words.
“Shh, it’s okay. Everything’s fine. I’m here, okay? Sabihin mo lang anong problema, aayusin ko agad.” Jhoanna said as she started to run her fingers through the hair of the girl.
“Jho, kasi…” Stacey trailed off, her voice muffled because she buried her face on Jhoanna’s neck.
“Iiyak mo muna. We have all the time in the world. ‘Wag kang mag-alala, hindi ako aalis.” Jhoanna comforted the girl.
“Nakita ko, sina tito Boyet at tita Jhonna, gusto nila si Taneo.” The girl said as she continued crying.
“Ano naman?” Jhoanna asked, confused about how that affected her this much.
“Eh kasi ako yung favorite nila dati eh, ngayon si Taneo na ata.” Stacey explained, the girl still hasn’t stopped crying.
“Favorite ka parin nila ‘no. Pero s’yempre kinikilala nila si Taneo para sa’kin.” Jhoanna said to ease the girl.
“Eh ikaw, Jho, sino favorite mo sa’min?” Stacey pulled away from the hug and looked at Jhoanna.
“S’yempre ikaw, walang hihigit sa’yo para sa’kin, Stacey.” Jhoanna answered.
“Sasagutin mo ba s’ya?” Stacey asked, her tears now stopped.
“Baka” Jhoanna said hesitantly.
“Baka?” Stacey said angrily.
“Oo? Ano bang problema? Mabait naman si Taneo.” Jhoanna said, starting to get irritated because she doesn’t understand Stacey.
“Kailan mo s’ya sasagutin?” Stacey asked, still looking at her.
“Hindi ko pa alam. Teka, ano bang kinalaman mo ron?” Jhoanna asked, a bit heated up.
“Kasi, Jho…” Stacey cried again and looked down.
“Ano?” Jhoanna asked, her voice a little louder than before.
“Kasi, Jho! Alam mong hindi ako nagmumura, pero putangina! Tangina, Jhoanna, pwede bang ‘wag?” Stacey said as tears were streaming down her face.
“Ha..?” Jhoanna asked, befuddled.
“Pwede bang ‘wag na si Taneo? Hindi ko naiintindihan bakit ako nagkakaganito pero please, Jhoanna. ‘Wag si Taneo.” Stacey pleaded as she went near Jhoanna again, opening her arms to ask if she could hold her again, which the girl obliged.
“Bakit?” Jhoanna asked, confused. And every time she tried to make sense of things, nothing adds up.
“Hindi ko alam, Jho. Hindi ko na talaga alam, Jho. Ang alam ko lang ayoko. ‘Wag mong sagutin si Taneo, please.” Stacey said as she was crying on the girl’s shoulder again.
“Gusto mo ba si Taneo? Dapat sinabi mo agad para hindi ko na in-entertain.” Jhoanna asked, that was the most logical explanation to her.
“Hindi! Kadiri! Hindi ko s’ya gusto pero mas lalong hindi ko s’ya gusto para sa’yo. Hindi ko alam pero kapag binabanggit mo s’ya, parang gusto ko nalang tanggalin ‘yung tainga ko. Kapag ngumingiti ka dahil sakanya, pucha, iniisip ko sana mabulag nalang ako. Kapag nakikita ko kayong magkasama, tangina, sukang suka ako tapos pakiramdam ko sasabog ako. Hindi ko naiintindihan, Jho… Sorry. Pero ang alam ko, hindi ko kakayanin kung sasagutin mo s’ya. Kaya ‘wag mo s’yang sagutin, Jho.” Stacey explained. Feeling a bit relieved that she was able to voice it out.
Jhoanna realized that she was right all along. Stacey really is in love with her, she just doesn’t know it yet. It’s unbelievable how she’d known for years while the other girl hasn’t even entertained the idea yet. ‘Oh, Stacey. The patron saint of denial that you are’, Jhoanna thought.
“Okay” Jhoanna said.
“Okay?” Stacey pulled away to look for insincerity at Jhoanna’s face.
“Sasabihin ko kay Taneo bukas na tumigil na s’ya sa panliligaw.” Jhoanna said.
“Talaga?” Stacey asked as her lips curved up.
“Talaga. Sabi ko naman diba, sabihin mo lang kung anong problema at aayusin ko agad.” Jhoanna said, smiling at the girl.
“Sorry ha, alam kong napapasaya ka n’ya. Pero kasi hi-“ Stacey was talking but got cut off.
“‘Di mo kailangan mag-explain. Walang mas importante sa’yo.” Jhoanna said, looking straight at Stacey’s eyes.
They stared at each other for a while before Jhoanna kissed the girl’s forehead and embraced her.
“Jho, tagal mo ah. Nakailan ka?” Maloi’s voice pulled Jhoanna out of her thoughts. She was startled and immediately put out her cigarette and threw it into the trash bin.
“‘Kala ko ba isa lang, Jhoanna?” Colet said. Even though she didn’t say anything earlier, Jhoanna knew she was worried.
“Onti lang, pangpawala lang ng stress.” Jhoanna answered with a small laugh. Colet went to lean beside her while Maloi was in front of them.
“Kumusta, Jho? Kaya pa ba?” Maloi asked her.
“Oo naman, I just had a long day kaya need magyosi.” Jhoanna answered despite not knowing for sure.
“I mean, ‘yung sa loob. Hindi ba sila mahirap tignan?” Maloi asked, which shocked her. She never told anything to her.
“Ang alin?” Jhoanna said, playing dumb.
“Asus, sige. Magkunwari pa. May yosi ka pa?” Maloi said. Jhoanna reached for the box in the pocket of her pants and offered Maloi and Colet.
“‘Di na ako naninigarilyo.” Colet declined while Maloi took one. Jhoanna wanted one more but was scared to get scolded. ‘I still deserve it, though’, she thought to herself so she took one more.
“Oy, ano ‘yan? Akala ko ba isa-isa lang? Bakit iisa ka na naman?” Colet asked with her eyebrows burrowed.
“Minsan lang naman ‘yan, Col. Hayaan mo na si Jho. Light?” Maloi defended the girl and asked for a lighter.
Jhoanna put her fourth cigarette of the night in between her lips and lit it. She handed the lighter to her ate Maloi as she took her first puff from the new cigarette.
“Seryoso, Jho. Okay ka lang?” Colet asked her.
“Oo nga, ‘wag kayo mag-alala. Like I said, I had a long day.” Jhoanna deflected. She closed her eyes and just kept taking a puff and another, and another.
“We mean yung kina Stacks, Jho. Kaya naman?” Maloi asked, looking at her. Jhoanna opened her eyes but didn’t say anything. She doesn’t want to reveal anything Maloi didn’t know.
“Obvious naman, Jho. ‘Di mo kailangang magtago.” Maloi said to clarify.
“Alam n’ya, Jho. Wala akong sinabi pero nahalata n’ya.” Colet explained to her.
“Okay lang, hindi naman si Mikha yung una. Sigurado rin akong hindi s’ya ang huli.” Jhoanna answered a bit truthfully. She can look at them but only for a certain amount of time, she can’t spend her entire night looking at how happy Stacey seems to be with Mikha.
“Alam mo, noong umuwi si Colet na luhaan sa dorm nami-“ Maloi’s story was cut off.
“Loi.” Colet said as an attempt to stop her, embarrassed by the story she was about to tell.
“Ano? Akala ko ba naka-move on ka na?” Maloi challenged the girl with a teasing smile on her lips.
“Tsk. Sige na.” Colet, annoyed, let her roommate tell the story.
“Noong umuwi si Colet sa dorm namin na luhaan. Alam ko na agad na ikaw dahilan. Medyo nagalit nga ako sa’yo noon eh. Hindi ko kasi maintindihan bakit mo tinanggihan si Colet.” Maloi paused for a moment to glance at roommate. “But then, nakita ko kayo ni Staku. Ayun, nagets ko na. Walang laban si Colet sainyo eh.”
Jhoanna just nodded, not knowing what to say. She just continued taking puffs.
“Mahal mo?” Maloi’s question stopped her. She opened her eyes and looked at the girl in front of her.
“Tinatanong pa ba ‘yan?” Jhoanna said.
“Matagal na ‘no?” Colet asked.
“8 years na.” Jhoanna casually said. She realized she smoked too fast that she finished her stick before Maloi even reached half.
“‘Yun oh, talo mo pa pala si Carson.” Maloi teased her which earned laughs from the girls.
“Hindi rin, 8 years na hindi parin n’yan masabi. Duwag.” Colet said.
“Gago, hindi pa? May singsing na ‘yang daliri mo, wala pang confession?” Maloi said, drawing attention to her ring. A physical representation that she is Stacey’s.
“Ano akala mo? Kami tapos nagdadala s’ya ng babae n’ya sa inuman natin?” Jhoanna asked.
“Aba hindi ko alam ano usapan n’yo. Akala ko lowkey na hindi exclusive, ganon.” Maloi explained.
“Sorry pala kina Gwen at Shee kanina, Jho, ha. Alam mo naman ‘yun ‘pag lasing, hirap pigilan.” Colet apologized for the behavior of the two earlier.
“Okay lang, hindi mo naman kasalanan. ‘Tsaka wala rin naman silang alam. Na-curious lang ‘yun, for sure.” Jhoanna said to convince them that it was fine. It was the truth, she really didn’t mind it.
“Pero bakit mo nga ba tinatago? Eh pwede mo namang sabihin.” Maloi, trying to pry more, asked.
Jhoanna kept quiet. Not because she doesn't have anything to say, but because there’s so much. She fears that if she opens her mouth, she’ll unload everything on them. So instead, she just took another stick from her pocket.
“Nakakarami ka na ah.” Colet pointed out, clearly disagreeing with her choice.
“Last na talaga.” Jhoanna assured her. She took it to her lips and lit it. As she took a puff, she realized not even this could take her mind off what her ate Maloi had said.
‘Pwede mo namang sabihin’. If only it were that easy. Because as their history has always proven, Stacey is a coward. She’s far too deep into her fears that not even Jhoanna can save her. If she said something even remotely close to a confession, the girl would flee. That’s how much Stacey lets her fears control her. So if anyone were ever to make the move, it could not be Jhoanna. Although, the silent conversation they had earlier tells her that Stacey’s never making a move. Too scared, like always. And here she was, facing another heartbreak, now named ‘Mikha’.
“Hindi pwede” Jhoanna said breaking the silence.
“Ang alin?” Colet asked.
“Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin.” Jhoanna said and looked at the dark sky, despite there being no light, no star shined through the night.
“Why not? I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.” Maloi said.
“She does, indeed. Pero kung sabihin ko, iiwan n’ya si Mikha-“ Jhoanna was cut off.
“Ayaw mo? Edi kayo na.” Maloi asked, confused. Jhoanna shook her head before continuing.
“Iiwan n’ya si Mikha. Tapos aalis na naman s’ya. ‘Pag balik may bago na naman.” Jhoanna finished what she was saying.
“Ang bilis mo naman magsabi ng tapos.” Colet said and by now she realized they’d been there for a while and she’s starting to crave a smoke.
“Alam ko kasing tama ako. We’ve been doing this for years. Kahit ako ‘yung nandito, hinding hindi n’ya ako pipiliin.” Jhoanna said, heartbroken by the reminder. Succumbing to her desires, Colet took the cigar box from her friend's pocket.
“Oh, akala ko nag-quit ka na?” Jhoanna turned to look at Colet.
“‘Di ko na kaya, pati ako na-s-stress sainyo ni Stacey.” Colet said as she held out her hand to ask Maloi for the lighter, which the latter gave immediately. Colet lit the small stick of death and took a puff, joining the two other girls on their smoke session.
“Why don’t you try dating other people, Jho?” Maloi asked her.
“Pointless. Iiyak s’ya tapos iiwan ko yung tao. Wala eh, mahina ako ‘pag dating sakanya.” Jhoanna answered, she doesn’t know if it were the alcohol or nicotine encouraging her to answer as truthfully as she can but whatever it is, she’s thankful for it.
“Kaya mo ba ako inayawan?” Colet turned to ask Jhoanna.
“Oo, narinig n’ya sa tropa ng ka-block n’ya na pinopormahan mo raw ako. Ayun, kumatok sa dorm ko nang madaling-araw. Lasing at umiiyak, ‘wag daw. Ni hindi ko pa nga alam na gusto mo ako noon eh.” Jhoanna answered, reliving the conversation in her head.
“Ano nangyari kinabukasan?” Colet asked.
“That was the day you asked me out, s’yempre tinanggihan kita. Wala rin naman kasing patutunguhan.” Jhoanna explained.
“Ano sabi ni Staku?” Maloi inquired.
“Wala, nalaman ko na nga lang nasa Singapore na pala s’ya. That was the first time she left. ‘Pag balik n’ya may dala s’yang relo for me.” Jhoanna answered, closing her eyes once again to feel the smoke burn her lungs.
“Huh? Bakit hindi singsing?” Maloi asked, confused about their friend’s choice.
“That only started when I started giving her paper rings.” The girl paused for a while before speaking again. “Alam n’yo, when she leaves and comes back with a gift, minsan naiisip ko it’s another apology. Dahil hindi s’ya makasugal sa’kin.” Jhoanna said, dumping some baggage she’s been carrying for a while.
The three girls continued to smoke in silence, all of them feeling the weight of Stacey and Jhoanna’s situation. After Colet finished hers, the two roommates bid their goodbyes to the girl and told her to come back inside soon.
After Colet drove away with Maloi, Jhoanna opted to lean on the wall instead. Her cigarette was long gone but she’s itching for another one. ‘Fuck it’, she thought and took another from her pocket.
She saw her friends exiting the place. They looked around until they spotted her.
“‘Te Jho!” The youngest called out to her. She waved her hand as a reply. They approached the girl and Jhoanna stopped blowing out smoke to make sure they didn’t inhale the deadly chemicals.
“Tagal mo Jho, nakarami ka ata ah.” Aiah, who was the first to reach her, teased her.
“Hindi ah, nakita kasi ako nina ate Maloi. Napasarap lang ‘yung usap.” Jhoanna defended herself, but the truth is, she lost count of how many sticks she burned.
“Sus.” Gwen spoke drowsily, it’s obvious that the girl had too much to drink.
“Uwi na kayo?” Jhoanna asked, noticing they were complete.
“Oo. Nagbook na ng grab sina Gwen at Sheena, may ‘sleepover’ daw sila.” Aiah answered, making exaggerated air quotes with her hand to tease the two girls.
“Ate naman eh. Porque ba susunduin ka ng boyfriend mo?” Sheena teased back. And as if on cue, they heard the muffler of Aiah’s boyfriend’s car and the honk of Gwen and Sheena’s grab.
The girls said their goodbyes and went to their respective vehicles. The only ones left were her, Stacey, and Mikha. She chose to be one to break the silence.
“Hindi pa kayo uuwi?” Jhoanna asked them, itching to take another puff.
“Pinapaalis mo ba kami para makapagsigarilyo ka na ulit?” Stacey said accusingly, noticing the cigarette still between her best friend’s fingers.
“Hindi ‘no. Gabi na rin kasi.” Jhoanna defended herself.
“Papunta na si tito AJ.” Stacey said.
“Hindi kayo sabay?” Jhoanna asked, looking at Stacey and Mikha.
“Ah, no. I brought my car with me. And I didn’t drink naman kasi I knew na I’d be driving home.” Jhoanna just nodded at Mikha’s answer.
“Akin na nga ‘yang yosi.” Stacey commanded, holding out her hand for the cigar.
“Bakit?” Jhoanna asked, hiding her cigarette behind her.
“Tama na, pustahan hindi lang isa naubos mo.” Stacey insisted, her voice firm, making sure that Jhoanna listens to her.
“Ako na magtatapon.” Jhoanna put out the cigar with her fingers but before she could dispose of the trash, Stacey snatched it from her hands and dropped it to the floor. Then she stomped on it, making her point that she disagrees with Jhoanna’s vice.
“Hindi ka na magyoyosi.” Stacey said, looking at her pointedly.
“Staku! Jho!” Before Jhoanna could say anything, they heard Stacey’s tito AJ. The two girls approached the vehicle while Mikha chose to stay back.
“Tito AJ!” Jhoanna said excitedly.
“Oh, Jho sunduin ko na ‘to si Stacey ha. Gabi na rin kasi at nag-aalala na ang mommy n’ya. Gusto mo bang sumabay?” Stacey’s tito AJ offered his niece’s long time friend.
“Hindi na po, kaya ko naman pong umuwi mag-isa.” Jhoanna declined, she really needed another cigarette. She opened the door to the passenger seat for Stacey.
“Umuwi ka na rin agad ha. Mag-message ka pagkauwi mo. Ingat, Jho. I love you.” Stacey said and hugged the girl goodbye. After pulling away from the hug, Stacey entered the car and Jhoanna closed the door for her. The smoker leaned on the window.
“Ingat kayo. Pasabi kay tita Ivy, miss ko na po s’ya, tito AJ. I love you too, Stacks. Message ka rin pagkauwi mo.” Jhoanna bid her goodbyes to her friend and that friend’s uncle.
As the car was pulling away, Jhoanna reached for her pocket. She took a cigarette when the car was totally out of sight and came back to her previous position. She just noticed that Mikha was still there, she completely forgot the girl was even there. She lit her cigar and after taking a puff, she spoke.
“Ikaw, ‘di ka pa ba uuwi?” Jhoanna asked out of politeness.
“I just thought I should offer you a ride.” Mikha answered with a smile on her face.
“Oh, thanks. Pero kaya ko namang umuwi mag-isa. ‘Tsaka tatapusin ko pa ‘tong yosi ko eh.” Jhoanna declined, afraid of how awkward the car ride would be.
“I insist. I noticed din kasing nakarami ka kanina.”
“You really don’t have to, walking distance lang naman ‘yung condo ko from here.”
“I think Stacey would feel more at ease if she finds out na I gave you a ride home ‘no?” Mikha said triumphantly, she knew which buttons to push to make Jhoanna agree.
“Fine.” Jhoanna agreed reluctantly. “Yosi?” She offered the red-haired girl.
“Sure.” Mikha took a stick from Jhoanna’s cigar box and Jhoanna lit it.
“That’s almost empty na, ha.” Mikha teased the girl to break the ice.
“Ano kasi- Maraming nanghingi sakin. ‘Tsaka matagal na ‘to, mga last last week pa. Hi- hindi ko naman naubos ‘yan ngayon.” Jhoanna scrambled for a believable lie, scared of the scolding she might get from Stacey.
“Chill, Jho. I was just teasing. I promise I won’t tell Stacey.” Mikha assured the girl and made a gesture of zipping her lips close.
They opted to finish smoking in silence and surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward. It was just like smoking with another smoker. After finishing both their cigars, the girls proceeded to Mikha’s car.
“Pin mo nalang here ‘yung building mo for GPS.” Mikha said, pertaining to the screen on her car. The place Jhoanna pinned surprised Mikha.
“This is at least a 30 minute car ride, you were planning to walk this far?” Mikha asked the girl as she was putting on her seatbelt and preparing to drive.
“Uhm, no? Nahihiya lang ako makisabay kaya ko nasabi ‘yun.” Jhoanna answered shyly and her cheeks turned pink.
Mikha started to drive and turned the radio on and ‘Di Naging (Tayo)’ by Sleep Alley was playing. ‘Kung siniswerte ka nga naman’, Jhoanna thought.
Ako naman ang unang nagmahal sa’yo
At ang pag-ibig ko naman ay totoo
Pero 'di patas ang mundo
Dahil hindi ako ang pinili mo
The thought of what Mikha and Stacey shared in Europe crossed her mind just now. She didn’t really want to think about it but she can’t help not to. She wondered how much Stacey let Mikha in. They must be more serious than her friend’s past flings because they lasted for months and she brought her to their group hangout.
Jhoanna thinks Mikha couldn’t possibly know Stacey better than her but she could be wrong. They’ve been seeing each other for months. Moreover, they spent those months gallivanting in Europe together. Jhoanna wondered if Stacey had already told Mikha information that used to be shared only with her. Did Mikha know about her parents? Was Stacey ever comfortable enough with her to tell her about her fears? Have they ever slept cuddling each other for warmth? Did Stacey ask Mikha to stay in bed longer when they woke up cuddling? Have they ever sat down and talked about their childhood? Has Stacey cooked for the girl? Has Mikha comforted her after an awful nightmare? Have they ever watched a movie but talked through it instead? Does Mikha know the spot to tickle Stacey so she’d laugh with that cute high pitch of her? Has Stacey ever caressed Mikha’s hair until she fell asleep?
She hopes not.
The girl thought about their shared history and how after all that, Stacey kept finding someone else. It wasn’t that she was staying to be chosen but she knew Stacey felt the same way, so what does Mikha have that she doesn’t that made Jhoanna the inferior choice. She felt that it is so unfair that she’s been there the whole time and not once has Stacey ever chosen her. And here she was, sitting in the car of someone she did. Oh, how ironic.
Before completely going crazy, Jhoanna broke the silence through small talk. They instantly fell into easy conversation and she found out that Mikha is a really cool person. She’s even pleased that Stacey met her. That Mikha’s there to make her best friend happy. If it couldn’t be her, she hopes it could be Mikha. She’ll approve.
They continued talking throughout the entire ride until they pulled up in front of Jhoanna’s building. She thanked the girl for her generosity. She’d already opened the door halfway but stopped to say something to Mikha.
“I mean this with my entire being, I’m glad Stacey met you, Mikha. And it’s been a good time getting to know you.” Jhoanna said with a genuine smile. Mikha just replied with a nod.
After Jhoanna got out of the car, Mikha was about to drive off but hesitated. She opened the window and called Jhoanna.
“It’s nice meeting you as well, Jhoanna. I can see why Stacey’s friends with you.” Mikha said, glad that she met Jhoanna.
“Thank you. Ang cool mong tao, and I can see that you’re a good person, Mikha. I hope you guys make it.” Jhoanna said truthfully.
“I think we both know we won’t.” Mikha said with a sad smile. “Good night, Jhoanna.” The girl sped off after bidding Jhoanna goodbye.
Jhoanna watched Mikha’s car disappear from her sight. She walked in and got in the elevator. She felt her cigar box in her pocket and checked it. This is a new one she bought this morning, and now it’s half-empty. The elevator dinged, indicating she’s on her floor. ‘Stacey’s gonna be the death of me.’, the girl thought before throwing the box with its contents on the trash bin just outside the elevator.
She remembered what Mikha said before leaving ‘I think we both know we won’t’. And for the first time ever, she felt a twinge of sadness for one of Stacey’s flings.
As she was walking to her room, ‘maybes’ plagued her again. Maybe the cigars burned her lungs so much it changed the air. Maybe Stacey was right. Maybe it is better that they just stay what they are. Maybe she can be content with being just a best friend. And maybe, maybe tomorrow when she wakes up, she doesn’t long for Stacey anymore.