Work Text:
Mario walked through the turnstiles on his first day at his new job at UPS Worldport after being fired from his plumbing job for multiple eons of no call no shows and entered a security checkpoint that featured Evolv scanners and X-ray machines.
“Sorry dude, you can’t bring those through there. No forks allowed.”
“What a the fuck? I am not a carrying any a forks,” Mario argued.
“Yes you are. I saw a post on Facebook the other day that said that hands are just forks covered in skin, and ppl can use forks to stab people. I’m afraid you’ll have to have your fingers removed.”
“Aw a shit.”
And so Mario had to cut off his fingers to be TSA compliant. His arm was no longer a fork covered in his own skin. He hadn’t even clocked in yet and already he wondered if he should quit.
Once he entered his proper warehouse building, his trainer was instructing him on safety and how to load the trucks properly.
But to Mario the warehouse was nothing but a parkour jungle gym. He threw any notion of safety to the wind and climbed one of the metal poles up to one of the elevated conveyor belts and ran along it, jumping over packages. It reminded him of his heyday when he would leap over barrels that Donkey Kong would roll down the girders. He also wall-jumped along the wall onto another conveyor belt and completed more athletic feats. He also did his triple jump maneuver to access an even higher conveyor above the one he was on.
His supervisor looked on in horror and fainted repeatedly. It reminded Mario of when Sully thought Boo was going thru the trash compactor in Monsters Inc.
“Mario, you don’t look like you even wanna take this seriously. You’re fired.” Mario ate a fireflower and threw a fireball at his super, turning him into a coin.
“No, you’re the one who’s a fired.” Mario said. He collected the coin and did a small celebratory dance. “Yay my a paycheck!” Mario’s celebratory spin-jumping caused him to involuntarily throw fireballs, and one of the wayward fireballs collided with a package with flammable liquid in it, causing a fire.
“Oh a shit!” Mario cursed. The fire quickly spread. Several of the other employees died in the fire, causing them to turn into coins which Mario collected, and he eventually collected 100.
In his first and only day on the job Mario ended up completely burning down the building he was in with his antics, but he made an extra life from it, and that made him feel satisfied.