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"I tell you, my friend," announced Wade Wilson, or Deadpool, aloud; his speech had become a little mushy, but besides, there was nothing in a given world in heaven to indicate that he had previously managed to absorb half the pub, and by the time dawn overtook them, he intended to finish the other half in the same way. „It all begins with the Bible. Everything starts from there!”
Logan, or the Wolverine, who for a long time also mistakenly ran under the name Wolf, raised his eyebrows at this, and then, while pulling down what was still left in his glass, waited to see if the other would continue the thought he had begun.
He didn't, but he really didn't expect that anymore: by then he knew Wade well enough to know that the big-mouthed ex-mercenary loves to be asked a question or asked to explain what he wanted to aim for.
"What do you mean?" asked Logan, entering the other mutant's little one's game. He didn't particularly mind: Wade's face shone like a row of burners on a Christmas tree.
"There was Creation, wasn't it? So far it's okay: God created light, darkness, heaven, earth, plants, celestial bodies, birds, fish, goats, sheep, and hamsters, and finally the first pair of humans. Then, after he had blessed them to multiply and increase in his goodness, and when he saw that it was good, he fell down to sleep.”
"What the fuck: did you learn the Bible by heart?
"Only the more important parts," Deadpool waved modestly. "You can brag about it well from time to time." What's the point? After all this, humans fell into sin, and even after that, they only got dirtier, so God regretted it all and decided to bulldoze them to hell. This was actually the very first end of the world, although it was partially realized. Well, yes, but in the meantime God made a loophole or something and still saved some people and animals, and then at the end he sent an olive branch, plus a rainbow, indicating that now everything is happy, there is peace, and the like."
Wolverine tried to follow the drifting thread of Wade's thoughts; he failed, but at least he tried.
Anyway, what the hell are we doing here? What is the situation?
Patience, dear readers, I will explain immediately!
The two mutants, after Logan was stuck in this multiverse and then became roommates, had a common hobby: going pub crawling on Saturday nights, during which they discuss the big questions of life. On that day, the end of the world took place, or why does someone or something constantly want to subjugate the planet called Earth?
(Because superheroes need work—otherwise, what the hell would they do with their lives? Okay, I'll shut up from here and let the characters unfold!)
You could read from Wade's face that he was extremely proud of himself for making such a revolutionary discovery—although the details were still obscured because he had not yet explained them in more detail.
"Nice tale," Logan reacted with so much while impatiently drumming past the empty glasses to signal to the bartender that the said ibriks would not refill themselves on their own. He gave them a drink again, although the disapproving expression froze on his face a while ago; it's a matter of minutes, and they'll be kicked out of here. „Too bad that I don’t give a fuck. So will you finally tell me why you told me this now and what it has to do with anything?”
"Well, starting from biblical times, there's been a scheduled end of the world in some places, hasn't there? At the very end, even a complete Apocalypse got out, although according to the Good Omens, it was finally prevented at the last minute. I think it's safe to say that we were created in the first place to sometimes want to exterminate us. That is, that is why the Good Lord created us, to punish us from time to time with an extinction.”
„Why?”
"Because otherwise it would be so boring: you see, now sit there all day on the clouds and look out of your head? Come on! If you think about it, Satan didn't really play a big role in the Bible: I guess, maybe he showed up once, and even then he wasn't the real trash, but God. He started making bets and screwing Job just to test him. God is a fag”, concluded Wade, perhaps a little louder than he would have been.
His words echoed for a long time in the room, where by then the silence could be cut. It looked like a complete joke, but it's true: the knife-throwing regulars were so deeply religious that they were apparently already terribly outraged by some strange-looking piece of shit, who mostly looked as if he had been fathered by Freddy Krueger, starting to revile the Good Lord in this way.
But it could also be that they were simply at the level of drunkenness when everything was tantamount to a deadly insult (or "What are you staring at, you bipedal sperm?!). I know you're looking at me; don't deny it! What? You want to fight? I'll stand in front of you! Etc.")
"I mean, not a real fag, just an asshole," Deadpool quickly stated, as if he could have done anything to improve an already shitty situation.
"That's really calming them down now," Logan murmured, confirming what I wrote earlier.
„Now why? I didn't say it out of malice, but as a fact. I am not angry with the creator: maybe he is the master of everything, the alpha and the omega, but I am the Marvel Jesus!”
Wolverine rubbed his forehead; you might think that after a while he started to get used to Wade's innate idiocy, but there are simply things in life that you learn to somehow coexist with, but regardless, they also freak you out in the same way. Like when the light turns red in front of your nose, or the way you've been struggling with a packaging for half an hour, but it's like it's made of steel and it doesn't want to open to God either (well, we won't mention him in this story anymore!)
In this case, it left the mutant in deep amazement, as Deadpool seriously thought, with this explanation he would succeed in calming the people down. It didn't work out; in fact, it only made the situation worse, but according to the signs, it didn't bother him at all.
"I think you better leave now!" the bartender then interjected. He looked like an unlucky guy; that certain thread broke with him a long time ago, but he tried to keep to himself. So far.
Wade, scraping out his right-headed self from somewhere, could not blame the poor man for this: in fact, he could already be seen on it; he was starting to freak out when he and his friend were somewhere after the fifteenth round (by now he dared to risk that Logan would count as a friend), but still you couldn't see any trace of the effect of alcohol on them. Thanks to the mutation and rapid regeneration, both Deadpool and Wolverine showed a huge tolerance to spirits and even drugs: it took a very, very, very large amount to feel it at all.
If you thought of Deadpool & Wolverine here and now, and the way the no longer thirsty Wolvie passed out, well, think about that, then he already drank half the pub and then rolled down a full bottle to a puller to crown it. In the end, he recovered from this very quickly; after two minutes of drunken groveling, he got back on his feet and seemed relatively sober (as much as a lifestyle alcoholic person can seem like one).
Parentheses, closed.
Pub tourism was actually due to this: after a while, everyone around them freaked out, sooner or later, but the point came when they were forced to pick up their tent pole and go somewhere else.
In this case, this is where that particular moment occurred.
Summa summarum, Logan settled the bill (although he clearly remembered it, he had previously said to Wade that this time he wouldn't fucking stand the check, and what the big-mouthed ex-mercenary absolutely didn't remember—heh, selective memory!). …Then they hurriedly left the bar, which was already sparkling with tension, while the buzz of the fly could also be heard...
Yeah, of course.
They actually walked out at a damn comfortable pace, while the pub dwellers took one last look at them with zero interest before they came to the conclusion that they did’nt give a shit. In their case, nothing dissolved the alcohol, so suddenly they felt that they were far too dazed to start to fight just because some nasty people took the name of the Lord in their mouths.
Well, good: what really took them back was their enthusiasm when they saw stand up the two men, who were much bigger and stronger than them. They were drunk, but not so drunk that they went after people with whom they were very much not in the same weight group with a complete lack of life instinct.
Thanks to this, our heroes peacefully moved elsewhere, and in proportion to this, they began to pick out another popular topic.
One of the most popular of them all, if you're American—or at least you live there, because there are two Canadian charm chats at the moment—and which is a bit like the weather in England.
....
"If we start now from the shots they share on the various online portals, the UFOs are actually very retarded: they come with their little space cruisers, flash a flash or two, and then step down. Why don't they try to contact us? If they exist”, Wade added, while Logan rolled his eyes. This has become a common move for him since the ex-mercenary with a mouth became his roommate.
"I wouldn't do it if I were them. Humans are a sick species... And you can safely believe me, I've seen everything in 200 years. Wolvie declared in a shabby voice, like a war veteran—and, actually, he was, and not just one war.
"Huh, like you already mentioned something like that. Let's say the wording is a bit strange: this species... As if you weren't part of it in the same way... Oops!” Wade cried out suddenly, and several unfortunate guests were caught in the throats, but even the Wolverines squirted, even though by then he had gotten used to using the other mutant's sudden outbursts. He had get used about a lot of things. „I just realized something: you're actually an UFO, aren't you? I mean, extraterrestrial,” he corrected me quickly after realizing that he had made a common mistake. The UFO is the unidentified, flying object, and the extraterrestrial (AKA alien, Martian, or alien, which one is more sympathetic)... Well, surprisingly, it's a creature from outside the Earth. In other words, that snot-green, partly human-like little thing.
No need to thank me for the information!
Hearing this new brainstorm, Logan stared at Deadpool for a while without blinking.
"Well, how did you manage to put this together again, you little piece of shi?" he asked the question relatively calmly; the nagging, old-fashioned undertone was part of his basic setting.
„You're from another world, aren't you? In fact, somewhere here you are considered an extraterrestrial,” Wade pointed out the (in his opinion) logical connection.
"It's already in the word: extraterrestrial.". I, on the other hand, belong to this earth in the same way, only from a parallel reality,” Wolverine informed Deadpool.
From a parallel universe—from another universe. From a multiverse...
Okay, dear readers: I'll be honest. I don't really understand this universe-multiverse thing that much either, but, at the moment, it's not important.
Bottom line: Logan is not an alien. Nor is he a Terminator (although his body would have matched him). If he bulked up even more than that, Schwarzenegger apologizes afterwards for his youthful muscles), or some robot monster, and not a sponge! It's enough if everyone keeps this in mind, with me at the helm.
"But thanks for the assumption," Logan added as he determined his glass was empty again. Great! „Sometimes I feel that it would really be better to belong to some other species.”
"There's something to this," Wade left in place. "Thinking about it..." he continued, whereupon Wolverine immediately held his head mentally: it always started like this and then ended with a brain dick. Wade Wilson belonged to the type of man who should have been banned from thinking. „Maybe they keep going back to see where humanity is and then draw the conclusion: we still haven't moved forward, only further back. To say otherwise, The Human Centipede is in itself an argument for never wanting to have intercourse with us.”
„The what?”
"Ohoho, what did you miss! It's one such sick animal movie where people are stitched up by their asses and mouths...”
"I think you want to pay!" interrupted the bartender, while poor Wolvie almost drowned in his glass, which in the meantime refilled itself; that was too much for him.
None of them were particularly against it, and after Logan successfully fought for Wade to pay this time, he didn't feel so dissatisfied after they were literally kicked out again.
Hey, and at that time it was still only around half past eleven.
....
"The Harry Potter series, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Fly, Omen, and Star Wars, but exclusively the actual very first three... And you haven't seen any of them yet. I think it's time for you to start cultivating yourself: time is passing!” Wade added at the end of his list.
After they were kicked out from their previous location because he mentioned a movie, it seemed logical to stay on topic.
"Eternity is ahead of me," replied Logan stolidly. "I'm trying anyway, okay? I read and such," he added. At the moment, for example, the Count of Monte Cristo: he was only at the beginning of the story, but he had already come to the conclusion that no one can be so lucky and unlucky at the same time. But it was a 1,200-page book, so anything can still happen.
"And how does that stop you from watching movies? How about we put something in tomorrow, say as a sobering up?”
"Okay, why not," the Wolverines left him; by then, under the influence of alcohol, he had become fucking passive; it was already worth drinking. "What do you want to watch?”
„The Greatest Showman...?”
"It's out of the question!" slapped the other mutant from the hip—passivity here or there, there's a limit to everything. „I won't watch that one, I swear to God!”
Remember when I promised we wouldn't mention him again in this story? I lied! (Therefore trust me not—see!)
„Why not? Maybe someone doesn't like musicals?”
"Not those, and not the main actor!"
"He looks strikingly like you, though... Or that’s the reason?”
"I said no, and it's done!" concluded Wolvie in short; Wade preferred not to force it any further at this point.
"It's okay; I get the word out! Then let's say Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey.” He threw in another option, because by then the bastard living in him had emerged, not too deep.
"What the hell?" ran out of Logan's mouth, a question revealing pure astonishment. „Isn't that a character in such a fucking children's story?”
"It is, so don't mention fuck about it, thanks! So, are you in?”
"That movie is a piece of shit!" an unknown voice then interjected. As the two males turned to its source, they saw a red-haired girl at the other end of the counter, with green eyes, scattered freckles, and a slightly skinned face—the glass before that was already half empty (not full!). When you drink alcohol, it's an important difference. Her teeth looked a little like they had a fight with each other, but only in a friendly way: not enough for an orthodontic treatment, but more than enough for low self-esteem.
"Use your wits, Logan, and resist Satan's temptation!" Then spoke the maiden aloud, while the two mutants blinked at her in astonishment; even Wade, which, let's face it, is a mighty word. He had no habit of getting shocked by others. He was the one who shocked anyone else. „Don't watch that movie! I've already done it... Since then, I feel again that I have atoned for another sin that I have not yet committed,” the girl then emptied her glass and then sighed. „The film industry can always sink lower... But at least Deadpool & Wolverine came out, and I got to watch it on the day of the premiere.”
„Seriously? And did you like it?” Wade asked, almost touched, while Wolvie understood nothing—but by then he more or less accepted that he understood nothing at times. Deadpool, on the other hand, almost had tears in his eyes: it was always a good feeling to meet a fan.
"Oh, very much!" grinned the redhead widely; it seemed a matter of seconds that she and Wade should start screaming and jumping like two blooded fangirls.
"Yeah, it was quite good," interjected the bartender, whom no one asked anyway, but in return, as a kind of incidental, everyone's glass (except for the maiden's; she quickly covered her own), reloaded, so they didn't tell him that no one asked his opinion anyway." And, if Star Wars was mentioned earlier, I must note that the prequel trilogy is also quite excellent, and Hayden Christensen is a phenomenal actor. The top, on the other hand, is the latest three; well, they carry everything!”
Deadpool slowly looked up: if it had been possible to kill with a glance, that unfortunate charmer would have been lying dead on the floor of dubious purity a long time ago.
He heard that someone once shot an ipse dead because it made a similar enunciation... Hey, that someone was himself! And now he would have been very happy to repeat his action at that time, but he left the weapons at home—actually, he hasn't even touched them since he decided (again) after the third part that he would change and start a new life—that is, he doesn't kill people for money anymore (nor). He then sank his entire arsenal of weapons deep in the closet and entrusted the key to Blind Al. The woman claimed she put it away so that even she couldn't find it...
"You are a dead man!" he finally told the bartender in a grave voice, who took this as a joke and laughed.
Typical: Wade considered it one of the great ironies of his life that he mostly managed to make people laugh when he wasn't joking.
"It's a matter of taste," the red-haired girl concluded diplomatically. "Einstein has already said, everything is relative. And I'm going home now,” she stood up suddenly. „Have fun, boys! And if you want a real movie experience, I recommend all of Tarantino!” Se added, turning to Logan, who nodded to this.
„Okay, I'll note! Thanks.”
"Cool!" The girl's gaze then wandered slightly lower than the man's eyes—by then, under the influence of alcohol, Wolverine began to warm up (at least that much he managed to achieve by drinking), which made his shirt unbuttoned (just like that; we all know this, don't we?). - Anyway, the abs are great. You could play chess on them, I swear! Well, then I stepped!” She closed the topic, just as unexpectedly as she had started, and then she was gone.
Logan and Wade looked at each other.
"I can't interpret this story element now either, but maybe it doesn't matter," Deadpool said. From then on, Wolvie didn't see the point of dwelling on it at all, so with that momentum, they got over it.
They were not kicked out for the rest of the night, to their greatest joy: just as they were happy when the alcohol affected them, and they could get drunk. At dawn they were already propping each other up and bumping home, and when they entered the hall, one of them stumbled upon his own memories and sprawled—none of them remembered him later; whose fault was that? Not that it mattered, because the other one went after him, and if it turned out that way (plus, they were far too tired and exhausted to stand up), they decided to stay where they were, in a pile.
Actually, they didn't even decide; it just happened that as soon as they got horizontal, they fell asleep.
The next time they came to their senses was when, already in the morning hours, something—that is, rather, someone—bumped into them and then fell on their backs. It didn't go well for them, but neither did the aforementioned delinquent.
"What the stinky fuck?" asked the highly cultured question immediately afterwards by a staggeringly familiar voice.
Blind Al. The unlucky woman couldn't find her stick again that morning; no problem, she thought; she knows by heart what is located where in the house; she can do without it.
The matter might have worked, but he didn't expect to stumble upon two well-grown meat towers, in the strictest sense of the word, as they were slept in the middle of the hall.
"Have you had a long night again?" Al finally asked single-mindedly, after Logan scraped themselves and her off the floor.
„Sayable. Don't care about the details! Too many things fell out”, Wade summarized the essence in basic sentences. It didn't take more than that to prove that he was still fucking tired, plus he would be of great use to a gig-strong, XXL-sized coffee.
"Who the fuck is Tarantino anyway?" asked Logan then, totally unexpectedly, at which point he got two look-down looks (although in Blind Al's case he couldn't be 100 percent sure).
"You under-educated weasel bastard! Okay, that's it, done: we're having a marathon today!" Wade said. Originally, he wanted to suck Wolverine with a shit movie, but after that question, he came to the conclusion that he also has a heart (and not just to have something to pump his cancerous blood). He can't let his friend live in such ignorance!
So for the rest of Sunday, they watched as many films as possible while Wade talked his head off.
This time they didn't save the world (strange way; it wasn't in need). However, they had a moderately good evening/night while they pleasantly drizzled away from nothing.
Why can't the most banal things that exist be the most enjoyable ones at the same time?
The End