Chapter Text
I need to remember to get some groceries today.
I need to at least study for a bit tonight for chemistry tomorrow.
I need to try and make something decent for dinner tonight.
I need to—
“…Bertl? Bertl!”
The familiar voice and unexpected squeeze of his fingers brought him back to the present world. Looking around to determine that he did know where he was, Bertholdt recalled that it was him and Reiner’s lunch period during school, and they were currently sitting in an unused classroom, happily passing the time with just each other.
Well, that was until he had zoned out halfway through their conversation…whoops.
Realising that he should probably speak as to not seriously raise questions within Reiner, he clears his throat and looks over at the other teen who’s eyebrows were creased in mild concern.
“Sorry, Reiner. I didn’t mean to blank you like that.” Bertholdt apologises, straightening himself up and noticing he’s barely touched his lunch.
Reiner smiles and shrugs. “Don’t worry about it. I was just talking about how badly Porco fumbled his English Lit test. I mean, I’m sorry, how do you get 21%?” He laughed as he pulled out his phone, showing Bert the photo that the Sophomore sent him of his tragic result.
In disbelief, Bertholdt dropped a piece of his food back into the box. It wasn’t an exaggeration, Porco had successfully (?) managed to fail English.
After a few moments a small laugh escaped his mouth, shaking his head in reaction to the evidence. “His mom will kill him.”
The blonde continued to laugh, nodding his head in agreement. “Honestly! If I don’t see him online tonight then I know he’s no longer with us.” He joked as he slid his phone back into his pocket. “You might have to start tutoring him again, man. That’s the worst I’ve seen his results.”
Bertholdt snorted before shaking his head. Tutoring the boy wasn’t at all very hard — it wasn’t like Porco was rude or dismissive of learning — it’s just that he seems to forget the knowledge as soon as it’s time to put it into exam techniques. It was why they stopped in the first place, because it clearly wasn’t working.
“As if I have time for that anymore.” The black haired teen shook his head again as he reached down to his bag, pulling out his chemistry study guide and opening it up to the pages he needed.
Reiner’s smile dwindled ever so slightly, and he shifted his eyes between his partner and the book that had just been opened. He watched as the boy began to read, as he highlighted certain sections and placed little astrieks near other parts.
Instinctively, his thumb began to run over the other’s knuckles. “Yeah,” He noted. “You never used to study during lunch.”
A small nod was the response Bertholdt gave whilst his eyes continued to scan the material.
His focused demeanour meant that Reiner was going to struggle to get more than a couple of words out of him, so the smaller continued to eat his lunch in a peaceful silence.
After ten minutes of silence, Bertholdt suddenly stopped his rapid studying after the sound of an oh so familiar note pinging from his phone. One that he usually dreaded to receive whilst being away from his home.
He noticed that Reiner looked up too, his back straightening up and his hand remaining firmly in the olive-eye’s. Bertholdt’s breathing had instantly picked up, as well as the shake in his hands that became more prominent within seconds.
As the taller unlocked and scanned his phone, the worry in both of them bubbled.
Reiner spoke up. “Is he okay? Do you need to go home?” Concern mixed with sympathy mixed into his movements and speech. He squeezed his hand.
Message from: Dad 💛
12:47: Hey Bert, sorry for messaging during school, I know you probably just had a mini heart attack LOL, but I forgot to write a list down for the groceries for you. Sorry. I will text it to U now. Forgetful I am
Relief washed over him, along with an amused curve of his lips. He then quickly turned his phone screen to show Reiner, who too let out a breath and scoffed.
Bertholdt began to slow his breathing down which Reiner helped with no questions, Rhythmically using his thumb across his knuckles.
He looked over at the hazel eyed teen with a grateful smile. “Thank you. My dad is probably laughing at the thought of me panicking like that.” He laughed to himself, running his free hand through his hair.
Reiner nodded. “Of course, Bertl.”
The silence began to flow again as Bertl watched his father type out another message (presumably the shopping list) before Reiner realised.
“Wait, you need to shop for groceries now?” He asked, looking at his love.
Bertholdt, who soon met his worried gaze, simply nodded and looked back at his phone screen.
Message from: Dad 💛
12:51: There’s the list kiddo. I sent you some money on that venmo app. Get urself something too
He began to type.
Message to: Dad 💛
12:52: thanks dad, i’ll head there after school. i’ll probably be back around 5 :)
“Do you want me to come with you and do the shopping?” Reiner asked, watching as Bert placed his phone back into his bag and leaned into him. A brawnier hand placed itself onto his back and it gently ran up and down his spine.
“You don’t have to. I thought you wanted to hang out with Eren and Porco and all of them.” The taller replied. He had completely disregarded his studying, instead thinking about what he had to get from the store and what dinner him and his father are going to have, then what he needs to study, and then—
A gentle kiss was placed on his cheek. “Meh, they’ll be fine. Plus, I feel like I’m seeing you less and less outside of school.”
Bertholdt curled in on himself a little, guilt taking a nibble out of him. He knows he’s blown his other friends off a bit more recently (not like he gets invited out much anyway), and he’s been less active online, but was he now starting to ignore Reiner? He didn’t ever want to do that.
It seemed like his expression already explained that to the other.
“Shit, I should’ve phrased that better. I’m not angry at you at all, God no. I just want to make sure you’re not stressing yourself out a lot. I just thought if I came to the store with you it wouldn’t feel as lonely.” Reiner quickly said, his apologetic tone running through each word.
Bertholdt smiled, giving the other’s hand a gentle squeeze. He pondered. He didn’t want to ruin his plans with his friends, but he really hated making small talk with the cashiers there, as well as having to talk to the Uber driver as they asked him a bunch of personal questions.
“And I can drive you, so you don’t have to spend money on a bus and then an Uber. So then you can actually get yourself something this time.” Reiner added.
And his headphones were on a low battery, so at least Reiner would distract him from the typical yet annoying noises of a supermarket.
The taller agreed, an excited smile on his face for what was going to basically be a food shopping date. He turned to properly face his partner and embraced him, thanking whoever created the blonde for making him so understanding.
Reiner returned the favour, the smile on his face growing.
A certain someone then cleared their throat, causing the two to unglue from each other and take note of who it was.
“Hey, Annie.” Bertholdt greeted, the redness in his face making it evident he was not expecting her right now.
She sighed in some of defeat before placing her phone in her bag. “You moved too quickly, now I have to pay Ymir $10.”
The black-haired teen was left speechless.
“Why the hell are you betting on us with Ymir?” Reiner asked, confusion and embarrassment at a high level.
A smirk fell across her face. “We placed a bet on how long you two could get through the day without fusing with each other. Ymir picked a time earlier than me.”
His face felt physically hot.
“Sorry, ‘fusing’?” He heard Reiner question.
“Yes. You’re always attached to each other somehow.” Annie scoffed.
“Right. Thank you, Annie. Always a pleasure.” The blonde sighed, pinching the bridge between his nose.
“Uh-huh.” She then walked towards the pair, leaning down next to the black-haired and picking up his bag. “C’mon Bert, we have Biology in fifteen minutes and I need your help with the homework. If I get another detention my dad might kill me.”
Bertholdt nodded. He stood himself up and collected his abandoned textbook and half-eaten lunch and then gratefully took his bag from Annie.
“Annie Leonhart, asking for help?” Reiner exclaimed, his faux shock causing the pair stood up to simultaneously roll their eyes. “Never thought I’d see the day…”
Bertholdt laughed quietly, hiding his amusement behind his hand so he too doesn’t fall victim to his shorter friend’s wrath.
The blonde haired girl promptly flipped Reiner off as a response, watching as his performed disarray was exacerbated.
“Okay, let’s go. I don’t know how long this homework is gonna take.” She ordered.
Bertholdt nodded, however hesitated and turned to face his partner again. He leaned down with a smile, giving the smaller out of the couple a small kiss. As he felt the gift be bounced back at him, his mood only heightened — he almost forgot about everything else in his life.
A fake gag was announced behind him.
“I’ll meet you by my car, alright?” Reiner affirms.
Bertholdt replied with a soft ‘Mhm’ before turning away to walk with Annie. He turned his head a final time, waving at the blonde male.
-
The rest of the day remained uneventful, with the only thing worth remembering was the report of yet another exam that Bertholdt had to study for.
Once the bell finally rang to signal the end of the day, Bertholdt swiftly made his way out of the classroom and towards his locker, trying not to slow his movements so as to not make Reiner wait.
As he was just retrieving his last book, a familiar voice behind him called his name.
He turned his head to see Pieck. The girl looked like she had just woken up, which also showed to him just how well she was dealing with her Physics lessons. He smiled and greeted her, secretly hoping that their conversation would be short.
“Hey. You’re in a rush…are you meeting your boyfriend in the changing rooms again—“
The boy’s cheeks rapidly transformed into a crimson colour, and he formed a nervous laugh to cut off the remaining words
in her sentence. She didn’t tease him often about Reiner, but when she did it always had to be in front of way too many people.
“N—No! No…I’m not, Pieck.” He cleared his squeaky throat. “He’s taking me to the store so I can go grocery shopping.”
He watched as his explanation caused the soft smile on the black-haired girl’s face to transform into a pitiful frown. He knew what she was going to say in response.
“How long have you been doing it yourself?” Her question was gentle. Her eyebrows were creased. He studied the empathetic expression and felt his chest tighten.
It’s not like he’d always been doing this, and it’s not like he’ll be doing this forever. His father is expected to get better, and it’s not like he can control when he gets sicker some days…
He swallowed and nodded, zipping his bag up. “Uhm, not long, I guess. I—I don’t do it all the time though, just when he has flare ups or stuff like that.” He looked up at the clock to check the time, noticing the bigger hand edging closer to 15:35. As much as he enjoyed talking to Pieck, he really did not wanna leave Reiner waiting too long, nor his father.
The grey-eyed girl bit her lip. “I…I’m sorry.” She started, her tone low. “I know it’s not my business to talk about what happened between our parents, but I wish they could look past that and help you take care of him.”
Bertholdt wasn’t sure what to say about that. He doesn’t entirely know what happened to cause his Aunt and Uncle to practically cut contact with his dad, but it’s not like he could do much about it. It was just out of his control.
“I’ll let you go know, I don’t want you to be late or anything. I’ve gotta go pick up Udo anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow, in English?” Pieck smiled warmly. She was always so gentle in her words and actions, she could practically send people to sleep.
“Yeah, of course. Bye, Pieck.” Bertholdt waved as she took off in the opposite direction. He shut his locker with a shake in his hand and made his way to the student parking lot.
It was a difficult subject to bring up, his Aunt and Uncle. To him, it was a struggle because of the limited knowledge he has on them. He knows such surface level stuff that a colleague would have better insight on them. But to his father, it was difficult in an emotional way. He knew his sister in and out for so long. To then have to deal with zero contact after all of that was the reason why he harboured such little knowledge.
If they were on good terms, how different would Bertholdt’s life be?
It’s too early in the day to think of that right now, he concluded as he turned the corner to the exit of his school. Just focus on the now.
Reiner was waiting in a space very close to the exit, he was sat in his car presumably looking down at his phone. Once the taller one had approached him, he smiled and opened the passenger door for him.
“Thank you. I’m sorry I’m a little late.” Bertholdt said as he sat himself down, to which he immediately noticed the cosy warmth emitting from the fans.
“It’s fine. Teacher let you out late?” Reiner replied. He shoved his phone into his pocket and started the car up.
The olive-eyed shook his head. “No. I was speaking to Pieck.”
“Ah. She alright?”
“Yeah. She just…” He took a deep breath. “asked about my dad and I.”
“Did she say anything?” Reiner asked sporadically.
“No, no. She just asked about him and stuff. Don’t worry.” Bertholdt laughed. “We only spoke for two minutes. Just saying that it would be nice if they could work out their problems and stuff.”
“Ohhh,” Reiner replied, relief washing over him. Bert soon felt a welcoming pressure in his hand, as the blonde had reached his hand over to the taller and gently intertwined their fingers. “Yeah, same with my parents. Wish they’d just…” He sighed. “I dunno.”
“I know what you mean.” Bertholdt reassured. Their situations weren’t identical, but their consequences were similar.
“Thanks. We better get to the store then, I’m sure you don’t wanna be out in the cold as much as I didn’t during PE.” Reiner joked as he pulled out of the space.
Bertholdt laughed. “Yeah. No wonder you’re still wearing your coat whilst driving.”
-
After a relatively quick shopping trip, the two were back in the older boy’s car.
They managed to buy everything that they needed quite quickly, but after Reiner noticed Bertholdt’s longing interest in a small yet pretty necklace chain, it had turned into a lengthy minutes of back and forth between the two.
Reiner insisted he get it with the spare money his dad had specifically gave him to spend on himself, but Bertholdt had stated he needed that for an emergency situation as he had no money prior to the payment. He also stated that he didn’t need it countless times, to which the smaller had to constantly ask him if he wanted it.
Reiner was adamant that he should get it to treat himself, as recently the amber eyed had noticed that the taller had appeared more tired than usual, as well as sometimes becoming so distracted (or immersed) in one thing that he would forget to meet basic needs that Reiner would have to remind him on. Which was something he never used to do often.
He knew that the stress of being a Junior in school along with taking care of your single father was hard; but he just hated seeing how burnt out his love was becoming.
He hated that their time together outside of school was decreasing. It was a selfish thing to feel yet he still felt it because he just wanted to be there, no matter what.
Eventually, Reiner had cracked Bertholdt down to get him to confess that he did like the necklace, yet before anything else could be said he swiftly picked the item up and paid for it himself, leaving Bertholdt to follow him, completely speechless.
As they walked out of the store, Bertholdt found his voice back, along with extra guilt. “You didn’t need to do that—“
“Do what? Get you something because I know you deserve it but you’re adamant that you don’t?” The tease in the blonde’s voice signalled to the black-haired that he thankfully wasn’t genuinely mad at him.
His face tinted a faded pink. He looked down at the necklace — his finger was gently playing with the crescent moon charm — and smiled in gratitude. “…Thank you. Do I need—“
“If you’re about to ask to pay me back I might actually get mad.” Reiner scoffed whilst he unlocked the car and placed the groceries in the backseat.
“You couldn’t get mad at me if you tried.” Bertholdt replied, confidence apparent in his tone. To be fair, it wasn’t far from the truth. The pair’s arguments were so few and far between Bertholdt is pretty sure he can count them on one hand. And that’s not just through their partnership, but through everything.
He was grateful for that the most, probably. He was not good in any type of conflict, much less one with his boyfriend. If they disagreed, they talked it out. Reiner wasn’t fond of arguments either, but he also knew that ignoring such things wouldn’t at all be good for them. And so they talk.
After a short couple minutes of comfortable silence, Bertholdt is first to use his voice again.
“If you’re free…you could come over.” He suggested. “My dad would love to see you again, he really enjoys your company. Saying hello would really brighten his mood.”
His soft tone resulted in Reiner smiling. “Sure, why not. My mom is out late for work anyway.” After he properly processed what Bertholdt had said, his smile deflated. “I’m really sorry, man.”
“Hm?” The younger teen didn’t look up from his phone whilst he texted his father. He chose to keep his boyfriend’s company a surprise.
“It’s just– I really can’t imagine what you or your dad are going through.”
Bertholdt’s breath hitched and his chest tightened. He wasn’t sure what to say. It obviously wasn’t something either of them wanted, but what was he meant to do? He would sell his soul just to see his father okay again. He would work himself to the bone to make sure of that.
A hand rested over his trembling one. He must not have realised he needed to reply.
“I love you.” Reiner’s gentle voice spread through him, acting as a sedative for his nerves.
“I love you too.”
-
“Dad, I’m home!” Bertholdt called out as he took off his shoes and locked the door. He gestured to Reiner to hand over the groceries, and then signalled for him to step into the living room. He nodded.
It was rare that Reiner would find himself in his boyfriend’s apartment. Usually it was the other way around; Bertholdt would come around to Reiner’s house instead. They would watch a movie, attempt to complete schoolwork and play with the teen’s many pets. It was always fun and relaxing for the taller.
It was understandable to the blonde why he doesn’t visit the black-haired’s place often. He never really minded; at the end of the day he’s still spending time with his boyfriend. And at least here, Reiner knew he didn’t have to constantly hide himself.
“Dad, is everything okay?” Bertholdt called out again, his voice had wavered. Reiner had turned around when he heard his boyfriend’s voice become more prominent. Noticing the boy’s expression became more worried, he went to reach his hand out.
Bertholdt paled, and his mouth opened, about to call out again.
“Bert, you’re home.” An older voice echoed from another room.
Both teens let out a breath, and Reiner followed as the mentioned boy ventured down the hallway before he stopped and approached his father.
The man smiled at his son, his greeting being nothing short of comforting.
“Hey, you scared me again today.” Bertholdt joked, before his demeanour shifted. “Are you okay, though? Are you in any pain? Are you still throwing up?”
As the boy worried himself, his father chuckled. “I’m alright, son. If you stress anymore I think you’ll collapse.” His arm gently patted his son on the back. “How did the shopping go?”
As the two began to converse, Reiner found himself unsure of what to do. He doesn’t really want to announce himself, but he doesn’t feel right leaving to another room. So he instead resorted to awkwardly standing still until Bertholdt spoke to him again.
“...Oh, and I brought someone back with me, if you don’t mind.” The blonde took this as his cue to stand up straight and make himself known in the hallway.
“Reiner, hello!” Mr. Hoover greeted as his mood somehow increased even more. He swiftly walked over to the blonde, and whilst Reiner held out his hand to initiate a handshake, the older man instead pulled him in for a welcoming embrace.
Bertholdt giggled watching Reiner’s shocked face. The boy was not expecting a hug at all. It had been a while since he’d seen Bertholdt’s father, and he’d missed the warm gestures and words he would receive from him which vehemently opposed what he was given at home. His grin widened as he hugged back, and he could just sense the happiness in his boyfriend despite their distance.
The man pulled away from the hug, his smile persisting. “Come, come, we can have some dinner whilst you guys tell me about your day.” His excitement radiated unconditional love as he guided his son and ‘son-in-law’ back to the conjoined living room and kitchen.
“What do you guys fancy? I’m sure you’re both starving after a long day.”
“Hey, dad, don’t worry about dinner. I’ll cook some pasta really quickly. It’s better than straining yourself.” Bertholdt suggested, looking at the two most important people of his life. “Plus, I’m sure Reiner would like to catch up with you and vice versa.”
Reiner eyed Bertholdt as the taller moved over to the kitchen and as he emptied the bag of groceries, leaving the stuff he needed on the side whilst everything else was stored neatly. He walked over to Bert, his eyebrows creasing. “Are you sure you don’t want any help? Surely you'll be tired after today.”
Bertholdt nodded. “I’ll be alright.” His smile transformed into a light smirk. “I do make some pretty good pasta, too. You’ll be missing out on that if you make it instead.”
Reiner cackled. “Alright,” He succumbed, and patted his partner on the shoulder before he turned on his heel and returned back to his father.
Their conversation flowed naturally, as if it hadn’t been almost two months since they last spoke. Unsurprisingly, their topic of interest was mostly Bertholdt, with Mr. Hoover bringing out the amusement with cute (or embarrassing, according to his son who could hear their words occasionally) anecdotes surrounding the boy’s younger years.
Reiner chimed in too with his own more recent stories of his boyfriend, which he kept on a low tone so as to not mortify him even more.
This was miles better than his own home.
-
The afternoon soon departed and the evening entered in, along with the serenity generally associated with the time period. A calm silence had fallen over the apartment, with only small chatter occasionally being made whilst a movie played attractively on the TV.
“Jesus, dude, you are good at making pasta.” Reiner exclaimed as he placed his plate back down on the table in front of him. “Did you put drugs in that or something? I could eat like a thousand more of them.”
Bertholdt smiled bashfully, his eyes slipping from the other’s. Instead of replying, he simply leaned back into Reiner, relishing in the extra warmth he felt as a hand snaked around his waist.
“He’s always enjoying cooking stuff like that. We used to make pasta all the time when he was younger.” His father replied. “Except he’d sometimes just eat the ingredients halfway through.”
“Dad!” Bertholdt whined, his face turning a pink shade once again.
Reiner laughed. “That’s something I could see you still doing now.”
The younger groaned, clearly guilty. He glared at both his father and his boyfriend through his hands before continuing to watch the movie.
Minutes passed in silence, the cosiness finally enveloping them after a rather chaotic day.
“Oh, Bertl, did Annie get a detention from your bio teacher, or—“
Reiner looked down to realise that his partner was no longer awake, his head leaning against his shoulder and his body still with slumber.
He smiled warmly and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.
“He must be exhausted after the days I put him through.” Mr. Hoover said with a sad (guilty?) smile on his face.
The blonde looked at him with creased eyebrows, ready to disagree. However, his words were beaten.
“He’s up earlier than he needs to be to make sure I’m okay. He makes sure I eat, makes sure I take my medication. He does things for me that I can’t do as well as I used to.” The older man explained whilst he got himself up and began to collect the plates left on the table. His movements were slow and laboured. Reiner soon recalled that he was faster a few months ago.
The sound of the ceramic plates clashing caused the sleeping teen to shuffle and stir, as if it was some form of alarm. Reiner didn’t take his eyes off Bertholdt’s father, yet still reassured him to remain asleep.
Mr. Hoover sighed. “I don’t want to be putting him through all this, I really don’t. But I just…”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to do these things for much longer.”
Confusion and worry ran through the hazel-eyed. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say, how to respond.
His lack of verbal response seemed to be a cue for the other man to continue.
“I haven’t told him this because I want to believe that I’m deluding myself, but I know that’s unlikely. I feel worse every day, I feel like my body’s just getting weaker” His voice wavered.
“I went to the doctors the other week for some scans and tests, whatever it is they do. I have to go back tomorrow for the results, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do no matter what way it goes.” He returns back from the kitchen with a glass of water, placing it down in front of the awake teen.
“But if it’s…if it’s not good, if there’s something else, how am I gonna tell him?” Both eyes glance down to the unconscious boy, who was blissfully unaware of what was being said. He just looked…relaxed. “I don’t feel like…like I’m shutting down, so to speak. The doctors told me not to worry myself with that, but it just feels harder to do things everyday.”
Reiner felt his heart ring around the news, shock and despair mixing and amplifying the empathy he already harboured so much of for the pair. And the fact that he was the one that knew first, that beside him is the boy that is going to receive the consequences of whatever happens tomorrow, it caused sickening levels of pity within the blonde’s stomach too.
He cleared his throat, only then noticing the lump inside it. “I…don’t know what the news will be, and I don’t know how you’ll tell him if it’s not the best thing you could receive. But, I do know that he won’t stop loving you.” His eyes shifted down towards Bertholdt, who hadn’t moved an inch. “You’re the single most important person in the world to him. He’s not going to stop loving you or caring for you, no matter what you get told tomorrow.”
Mr. Hoover tried to smile, but it was clear that his son’s reaction wasn’t the only thing he was worried about. “He already non stop cares for me, I don’t want to burn him out anymore than I already do.”
“You don’t burn him out, Mr. Hoover. He burns himself out. I tell him all the time to just take a day off from studying and homework and he refuses. I don’t know where his random stubbornness comes from, but he really doesn’t let go of it until it’s done.” The two laugh, the amusement being a thin layer to disguise the anxiety and pain.
“He got that from his mom. When she was committed, she was committed.”
Reiner nodded. Bertholdt doesn’t speak about his mother much, but when he does, the similarities he has with her are shockingly accurate.
Before either of the two could say anything else, a quiet yawn caused them to look down.
“Morning, sleepyhead.” Reiner teased.
Bertholdt ran a hand over his eyes as he transitioned between the unconscious and conscious land. “It’s morning already…? Reiner, did you stay the night?” He mumbled. “Crap, I didn’t study for my chem test either…”
The blonde laughed as he helped the black-haired sit up. “No, Bertl, it’s only been 10 minutes since you fell asleep.” He humorously replied. “But I do have to go, or my mom will get pissed at me.”
“What time even is it…?” Bertholdt asked whilst he sluggishly attempted to stand up.
“I’ll see him out, you rest for a bit.” Bertholdt’s father spoke up. He gave his son a reassuring smile before he stood up and made his way over to the front door, not letting Bertholdt protest.
“I’ll talk to you later?” Bertholdt nodded, softly kissing his partner before letting him go. He turned back around and waved before disappearing down the hallway.
“Thank you, Reiner. It’s been nice talking to you.” Mr. Hoover said softly. “You really do make Bertholdt so happy.”
Reiner felt his face heat up slightly. “Of course.” As the door opened for him, he said his goodbyes and whispered; “I hope it’ll be good news.” Before finally departing down the hall.
“I hope so too.”
-
Bertholdt sighed in relief as he leaned against his locker, his eyes closed and his shoulders slumped. “That was the longest lesson of my life.” He sighed, exhaustion evident in his voice.
“Honestly! I just hope we passed. I’m not keen of my parents also being disappointed in me as well as Porco.” Marcel replied. He looked over down the hallway and noticed a few familiar faces approaching. He smiled and waved, before he turned back to his friend and realised just how tired he looked.
“Are you sure you’re still up for bowling tonight? You look like you’re gonna drop.”
Bertholdt saw the brunette’s worried expression and tried to perk himself up. He didn’t want to cancel at all, especially because he hadn’t really hung out with anyone other than Reiner for a while, and the guilt was becoming evident.
He smiled and nodded. “Of course I am. I’ll be alright once we’re out of here.”
Eventually those familiar faces had reached both Marcel and Bertholdt, those being Reiner, Annie, Zeke, Pieck and Porco. It has been a while since the seven had hung out like they used to in Middle School. It was just like reminiscing on old memories, and creating new ones. Bertholdt always found comfort in the familiar, after all.
“Ready to go?” Marcel asked, to which the other six nodded.
As they began to walk down the hallway, chatting about the day they had all just had, Bertholdt was just about to chime in himself when he felt his phone buzz. He pulled it out and clicked on the notification from his father instinctively.
The conversations continued as he read the message.
“Oh and Annie, you can ride with Reiner and Bert.”
“Fine, as long as you guys don’t fuse together on the way there.”
“How would that even work when I’ll be driving?”
“You always find a way to be attached to each other somehow.”
Message from: Dad 💛
15:37: Hey Bertl, just wondering when will U be back tonight. Thought we could have a chat
Immediately, the olive-eyed teen tensed. He read the message a few more times to make sure it was real, and when it finally processed, the dense sensation in his chest reappeared, this time more prominent.
As he moved his hand to type back, he finally noticed the trembling in his hand.
Message to: Dad 💛
15:38: is everything ok? do u need me to come back now?
He felt a nudge against his shoulder. Reiner.
“You alright?” He asked softly.
Bertholdt turned the phone so Reiner could read the message, and he felt him tense too. But before anything else was said, he received another text.
Message from: Dad 💛
15:40: No U don’t need to come back. Don’t worry, I will tell U when you’re home. Have fun with Ur friends
Bertholdt replied with a quick something before he stuffed his phone into his pocket as he tried to do what his dad had told him: not to worry. However, with Bertholdt, worrying was something he struggled to stop doing — especially revolving around his father. His shaking fingers eventually reached for each other, and he began to pick the skin against his nails.
He wasn’t sure how he was going to play bowling like this.
Reiner grabbed his hand in silence, gently rubbing his thumb against his knuckles. Bertholdt was fine with their lack of talking; it was evident to him that Reiner wasn’t sure what to say. Bertholdt didn't want to be lured into a false sense of hope, but he also didn’t want to be reassured in the case of it being bad. His head was already running at 100 miles an hour and it was making him nauseous.
Just breathe and distract yourself with this.
-
“Dad, I’m home.”
“Bertl, hey…come into the living room. I made you some chai.”
“What’s wrong, dad?”
“I don’t know how to start this, but…I spoke to Reiner yesterday, before he left, and…”
“I—I would’ve gone with you to the doctor…”
“I’m…not getting any better. They’re confident that there’s nothing they can do.”
Nausea. Tightness. Lightheaded.
He could hear his heart in his ears and feel it in his throat. Words and noises became blurry with a sharpness to them, pricking at his sides whilst the wound in him began to soak through to his clothing.
He couldn’t make out his dad’s sentences, only hearing certain things and phrases that he hoped would stay forever in his worst nightmares. Yet they escaped, they cursed.
But…how.
He’d taken every single medication they suggested. Stopped completing strenuous tasks to avoid pain. Avoided meals that were previously so adored. They did everything, it can’t have…
“It…can’t.” He choked out as his eyes glistened, the setting sun mixing with the olive hue in his eyes as the coating of tears made them shine with such a childhood innocence it has brought him back to where it all started.
“I’m sorry, son, I’m…” His father swallowed. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to leave you alone, the thought makes me angry, it makes me want to fight so hard, which I’m not going to stop doing. I’ll fight until I know my last breath is here.”
Alone.
Alone, alone, alone.
The word repeated in his head like a broken record until it became so loud he couldn’t sense anything else around him.
He was going to be alone.
He thought he knew what it felt like to be alone when he’d be the only kid without a mom to make a card for on mother’s day, without one that would come and partake in bake sales or cheer him on at a sports day. When he’d watch other children be held and coddled by them when upset, when the only thing he had was faint memories of her being that he knew wouldn’t stay crisp forever.
He thought he knew what it felt like.
A hand rested on his back. His breaths quickened. He knew that the touch would soon no longer be able to be felt physically ever again, and that single feeling from such awareness cemented his knowledge on being alone.
What was he meant to do?
Of course, he needed to continue the fight with his father. He needed to be there with him forever, to fight just as hard as he was. To make sure he doesn’t become alone too quickly.
But what could he do to prevent it entirely?
Nothing.
He couldn’t do anything to stop it. It was going to edge closer and closer day by day, yearning to shove solitude into Bertholdt’s life whilst snatching away the light. And he wasn’t even sure how long it could take to reach the sick goal.
“I…I have to call them soon.” Bertholdt looked up, his eyes unable to focus. “The hospital. They said I need some form of care.”
“But…” Bertholdt swallowed thickly, his voice wavering and the lump growing. “B—But I can take care of you. They won’t know anything about you, and I know your routine inside out—“
His hand gently rubbed against Bertholdt’s back. The curve of lips raised with a pitiful, guilty smile. “It’s a nice thought, Bert, but you have such a life to live.” He stated. “You deserve to relax instead of always worrying about me.”
But I don’t want to live my life without you. He wanted to reply, to scream, to beg, but the words died in his throat whilst his lungs shrunk more.
“I love you, son, so much.”
How many more times would he hear that until the lack of it becomes deafening with loss? How long will it take for every memory of the words becoming so scrambled he could barely recall the context?
How long left?
Bertholdt felt his throat burn with bile, banishing any form of coherent speech from manifesting. His eyes copied the sensation whilst his ears and head mimicked the pain of the burns and blisters.
The hand on the back, no matter how much he wanted to memorise every inch of the touch, felt heavy and bruising as he shook with every attempt at breathing.
He couldn’t face him, despite the desire to stare and stare until the last second that he could. Opting to look around through blurred vision did nothing to help. Seeing all the small trinkets and imperfections that perfectly encapsulated just how they are, how he is, how she was, how everything will eventually be a was stuck in time with pain being its only protector, only ripped at him from the inside more and more.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to talk.” His voice broke through. “Do you need to be alone?”
He couldn’t answer. And he didn’t even know. Did he want to be here right now?
A ringtone caused Bertholdt to flinch and face the direction of his father. He watched seemingly through one eye as he read the number, and without communication, Bertholdt knew who it was.
“I can call them back later.” The older man excused, but Bertholdt quickly refused and gestured with a trembling hand to answer, and that it was okay to move to another room. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure he could handle whatever he needed to talk about. Hospice care?
He faintly felt a pat on the shoulder that transitioned into a wrenching pressure, and his ears only slightly picked up on the slow footsteps that faded into nothing as he became further and further away from his dad.
Now that he was alone, in a room that he thought should never be used in solidarity, he felt like he was overflowing.
He couldn’t be here knowing that he would eventually feel and be utterly alone after years of suffering with hope. He now knew, but what did it do other than cement his fate?
And so, he stood up. He swayed and shook, but he had to pursue, had to leave.
The warmth was gone as soon as he shut the door and stumbled down concrete stairs, with step after step being just has horrendous as the previous.
The last twinges of orange and yellow had gone, leaving a sharp navy evening to consume. The wind slashed against his cold and dry face, increasingly threatening his senses.
Bertholdt realised he had subconsciously began to escape to somewhere he wasn’t sure if he could appear unannounced.
Through steadfast ambition to find solace, he shakily pulled out his phone and tried to type something. But no words were sent.
Alone.
-
“Damn it…” Reiner cursed for what felt like the millionth time whilst he vigorously erased his failed answer. He dropped his head into his pillow and groaned in agony. “I hate maths, so fucking much.”
His eyes shifted away from the paper, and they seem to grace him with the gift of his phone that had finally charged after what felt like a century. He pulled the cable out and unlocked his phone, the memory of the work still being their fading as he scrolled through Instagram.
Pieck had posted a new photo of the six that had gone bowling just hours earlier, captioning it with ‘missed beating these guys at everything <33’ which also conveniently had their scores placed in the photo too, as if to taunt Reiner on his sixth place. At least he wasn’t last like Marcel had been, but still…
He smiled cheesily at the post, looking at each one of his friends and realising just how much he agreed with the caption. It had been a while they had all hung out, and clearly it was something they all needed.
As he got over to where he and Bertholdt were in the image, he couldn’t help but feel his heart drop slightly. Although the black-haired teen was smiling, Reiner could see through the screen the worry he was masking.
It was evident throughout their time out something else was on his mind; the text he had received from his father. Reiner had kept his mouth shut despite knowing more than maybe he should’ve, and despite Mr. Hoover telling him that Bertholdt wouldn’t be mad, he couldn’t help but feel…bad. Bad that he knew something that could end up being detrimental to his boyfriend.
However, judging by what he read from the texts he had been shown, it didn’t seem like the news he received was negative.
And so, his hopes weren’t completely non-existent.
He continued to scroll aimlessly, eventually shoving his work back onto his desk to worry about later.
That was until he heard the chime of the doorbell ring throughout his home.
It was an odd time for anyone to be at the door. Most people had already returned home themselves, Reiner’s family seldom ordered food or packages, and salesmen typically don’t reach his street. So…who the hell?
Confused, and quite frankly a little uneased, Reiner got up and announced to his mom that he’d answer the door (not like she’d come down anyway, Reiner thought to himself).
As he twisted the key and opened up, his heart ramped up at the click of a finger.
“Bertholdt?” He called out, studying his partner, who was dithering from the cold and trembling from something. His nails desperately picked at the skin on his opposite finger until red wouldn’t fade but instead ooze. His breaths were quick and laced with discomfort, as if it was a labour to inhale and exhale.
That was enough to set off a million alarms in Reiner’s head. He reached his hand out, a question. “Hey, what happened Bertl?”
Bertholdt’s arms didn’t move, and his speech wouldn’t either. He tried to communicate anything to his partner, yet the only thing he was able to muster was a gesture towards the inside of his home, still asking if it was okay to come in after showing up unannounced.
“Come in, Bertl, it’s okay.” Reiner accepted. He watched as the boy stumbled in, as he struggled to take off his shoes and how he didn’t initiate any form of touch. Not that Reiner was annoyed or disheartened by it, he could very clearly tell that Bertholdt wasn’t in the right headspace for that.
He guided Bertholdt upstairs and towards his room, and as the quiet in the house remained, the sound of his shaky breaths became more of a concern to Reiner with every second.
His bedroom door shut and the blonde sat back down on his bed, assuming Bert would do the same. Yet, he didn’t. With a gentle demeanour, Reiner patted on the bed. “Come here, it’s okay.” He received no reply, and as he gathered more about the situation, his eyes began to shift from left to right, right to left.
He watched as the teen paced up and down his room, his hands running red and sore, his breaths continuously picking up, his body in distress.
Reiner isn’t a stranger to this, yet every time he sees his
beloved get like this he still feels so much concern and anxiety. And he’s not sure what he can do other than…wait. He doesn’t want to do something to make him feel worse, or cause anything between them.
It’s only when Bertholdt begins to evidently struggle to regulate that Reiner steps in. They talked about this once, very briefly, about what to do if something like this happens. As much as the blonde wants to not push a boundary, he knows that Bertholdt’s safety comes first.
“Hey, hey,” He called out softly whilst he stood himself up. “Bertl, you need to breathe.” He reached a hand out, his eyebrows creased in pure sympathy. “And your hands, they’re bleeding.”
Bertholdt glanced at the paler hand in front of him, then to his tanned fingertips that stung with despair. Willing to do anything to alleviate some of his pain, he clutched.
“That’s it.” Reiner reassured. He ran his thumb over his knuckles, applying light pressure systematically. “You’re gonna make yourself dizzy if you keep pacing, come sit down on the bed.”
The pair sat themselves down on the edge of the bed. Reiner kept his eyes fixated on Bertholdt’s expression that was full of so much emotion it was overwhelming him just looking, whilst Bertholdt remained fidgety regarding his eyes.
He tried so desperately to open his mouth, to say what he needed to, but it felt near impossible, especially not with the lump lodged in his throat, threatening more than just tears if it were to pop.
But with the gentle, grounding palms on his fingertips, and the short, soft voice breaking through to his ears like the sight of sun on a stormy day, he couldn’t help but let it burst.
“Reiner,” He broke. “Reiner, I don’t…” Tears fell rapidly down his face, and he removed one hand from his partner’s grasp to try and quell them. His trembling intensified.
“Take your time, Bertl. I’m here.” Reiner comforted. “Just breathe.” He didn’t know what had happened, but this was the first time in a while he had seen Bertholdt like this; it must not be good. Did it have something to do with whatever his dad found out…?
Could he be…?
No. Reiner didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to speculate, not now. He just wanted to be there for Bertholdt.
He slowly reached for Bertholdt’s hand that was frantically trying to rid his face of tears and pulled it away, encasing the slender hand into his brawnier ones. “Squeeze my hands to help.” He smiled as he felt a small pressure.
Reiner glanced around his room before he leant over and pulled a small blanket from his desk chair. He let go of one of their hands to wrap the material around Bertholdt. He must’ve been freezing on the way to his home, since he only had two layers on and it being mid-January. This only worried him more, because what could’ve been so bad that caused him to rush here and act like this?
The silence grew for half a minute, before Bertholdt began to curl up more, and he opened his mouth.
“He’s dying, Reiner,” He sobbed.
Reiner froze.
Dying?
But, that couldn’t be…
“T—They had said he didn’t have to worry about that. They said he wasn’t dying. He didn’t feel like he was.” Bertholdt exclaimed, his breaths uneven once again, and his sobs became more audible.
Reiner didn’t know what to say. He truly felt at a loss for words, and he was aware that nothing he could say would make him feel better.
So instead, he pulled the teen into a hug he was so desperately yearning for.
Bertholdt shook, his hands that were now free grasped for something to hold onto. One gripped onto his partner’s shirt, whilst the other hand up and down the soft cotton of the blanket.
“I—I don’t want him to die, Reiner. I can’t lose him too!” He choked out, his voice so raw that he sounded so young. Young like he was when his mother was gone, and Reiner would watch as his best friend screamed and cried for his mom to come back, how he as such a young boy lost all energy for anything, and no longer left his fathers side.
Reiner gently began to rub his back, trying to keep the teen from spiralling into another meltdown or panic attack. He wanted to say something, anything. But he just…couldn’t. What if he said the wrong thing? He’d never experienced something as heart crushing as this before.
“I wanted him to see me graduate, I—I wanted him to see us, but what if he doesn’t get to see that?” Bertholdt cried, his words muffled as he hadn’t moved his head from Reiner’s shoulder. He hiccuped. “I don’t even know how long he has left!”
Reiner too began to feel his eyes blur with tears, yet he held back. He needed to be there for Bertholdt right now. No matter how much the news affected him, he knew his partner was facing it tenfold.
Reiner wasn’t unfamiliar with death himself. As a child he dealt with his dog passing, as well as grandparents and older relatives. They all stung, leaving a different imprint on his memory. But he knew that they weren’t going to be around much longer; they were old. But this was different.
It was different because he was told he shouldn’t worry.
It was different because he was still young.
It was different because it’s not fair.
And for a split second, he could feel every iota of misery Bertholdt was feeling.
He tightened his hold on the black-haired teen as he shakily exhaled. “It’s…it’s not fair at all.” He shifted Bertholdt’s bangs away before leaning down, pressing a gentle kiss against his head. “I’m so sorry, Bertl.”
“You don’t deserve this.”
The other didn’t (or couldn’t) reply. Instead he weeped, and he begged through them. He begged for more time, he begged for a miracle, he begged to not be alone.
Neither of them knew how long they had been like this, but as soon as Bertholdt lifted his tear stricken and rather pale face, Reiner knew that he was utterly exhausted. He watched as the boy tried to stop the occasional tear that refused to be the final one, how it covered up slight bags underneath his eyes and yet amplified the look of fatigue in them.
The blonde sat upright, bringing the black-haired with him. He reached his hands up to ever so gently hold Bertholdt’s face and assist in wiping his tears. “You should get some rest.”
Bertholdt instantly shook his head. “N—No. No. I need to go back to my dad, I didn’t get to make dinner—“
“Bertl.”
“You need to sleep.” Reiner started, his movements still tender. “You can get changed into my comfy clothes, I’ll make you some hot chocolate, and we’ll watch any movie you want.” Bertholdt couldn’t face him, premeditated guilt already washed over him over leaving his father for even longer.
Reiner flashed him a comforting smile. “Your dad’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of that.”
Bertholdt gave in and nodded, having zero energy to argue and full trust in Reiner to stick to his affirmation. With the help of the blonde, he stood up and stretched, limbs aching from overuse and contortion. He felt dizzy still, as evidently he wasn’t cured from any grief.
“I need to use the bathroom.” He stated, voice quiet and raspy. “Is your mom in?”
Reiner nodded as he moved over to his closet and opened the set of drawers where spare clothes lie. “Yeah, I’ll tell her you’re staying. She doesn’t come into my room at all really, so she won’t see anything.” He pulled out a few articles of clothing.
“Okay…I’ll only be a few minutes.” The taller said before he slowly exited the bedroom and soon enough could be heard making his way upstairs.
Reiner hummed in conformation as he pulled his laptop out and placed it on his bed. He then walked out his room too, however he was headed towards the kitchen. As he travelled there and mindlessly pulled out anything he knew his boyfriend would want on their mini movie night, he couldn’t help but just…hurt.
He barely even saw Bertholdt’s dad, yet when he did, he felt much more like a son there than he did with his own father.
Ever since he was young, Mr. Hoover had been a genuine man, always having extra sweets and toys for little Reiner and the others that he and Bertholdt had grown up with. He always praised them all when their own parents couldn’t or didn’t.
And it physically stung him to find out that all those will be a distant memory in the future, never to be recreated.
“Reiner, are you okay?”
His mother’s voice called out from the doorway. He jumped, yet quickly relaxed when the question she asked was innocent. God forbid she somehow found out.
“Yeah, sorry mom.” He replied. He turned on the kettle and placed ingredients into the mug. “Um, is it okay if Bertholdt stays for the night? Or at least for a few hours?”
“I guess so, he’s already here, have you guys got a project to work on or something?” She asked, however, judging by the way Reiner’s expression changed, it didn’t seem that was why. Her eyebrows creased, and she hesitated before getting closer.
He didn’t know what to say. He could tell his mom now knew it wasn’t something as simple and ‘unserious’ as school work, yet he knew it wasn’t appropriate for his mom to be the third person to know that Bertholdt’s dad was dying.
He swallowed, heart heavy. “Just…something with his dad. I don’t wanna say too much, it’s not my place.”
“Oh.”
Reiner hummed as he finished off, and he remained silent whilst cleaning up. He didn’t know what to say himself, and he wasn’t sure what he could say around his mom.
“…I’ll clean up.” The blonde teen looked at her in surprise, his hand frozen. Seldom did she ever do this, instead telling Reiner since he was young that he needed to learn to do things on his own and only on his own.
She must’ve known to some degree what had occurred.
He smiled, melancholy and thankfulness twisted into his expression. “Thank you, mom. I love you.” And he headed back to his room.
As Reiner entered, he was greeted with the sight of Bertholdt — changed out of his day clothes and now sat on his bed — with his knees drawn up to his chest and his arms hugging his shins. It was a familiar sight, but Reiner soon realised this was the first time in a while he’s sat like this. At least in front of him.
“Made you this. I brought extra marshmallows, if you want anymore on there.” He greeted, carefully handing over the mug to his boyfriend before he joined him on the bed. He hoped the small joke would ease him even just a little bit.
He heard a small ‘Thank you’ in reply as the taller took a few small sips, with Reiner noticing how his shoulders relaxed and the colour ever so slightly returned to his face. He then felt an arm wrap around his waist, and his hand enveloped the one resting on his stomach.
“What do you wanna watch? It can be anything you like.”
Bertholdt nodded, and he pondered in silence for a few seconds before he presumably thought of something. “Do you have Disney plus?”
“Yeah. I should be all logged in already, so you can just pick.” Reiner replied before resting his face against his lover’s shoulder. He began to ever so gently press kisses against the taller’s neck, internally sighing in relief when he felt the other relax more and more.
Soon after he heard the familiar tune of the opening sequence for a typical Disney film, Reiner paused his actions and stared at the screen, hoping his prediction was right. If he knew Bertholdt, then the first line of his choice would be of a young child playing with his toys.
“…I love you, Reiner.” His voice was full of emotion: ranging from heartbreak to gratefulness as he uttered those four words that still made the mentioned teen feel warm inside after four years.
Unshed tears remained fixed in Bertholdt’s eyes as they absentmindedly watched the screen, and the pity that the amber-eyed felt was through the roof. He interlocked the hands around the other’s waist and let a smile fall onto his lips.
“I love you too, Bertl.”
Whilst the movie played, Reiner reached over to his abandoned phone, which had laid unchecked for almost an hour. He scrolled through his notifications before spotting something unfamiliar amongst the typical messages.
Message from: Mr Hoover
19:34: Reiner, please tell me Bert is with you. Is he okay?
He looked back over to Bertholdt, who was slightly leant against him with their hands (as per usual) intertwined, and hadn’t yet batted an eyelid to what the blonde was doing. He looked…calm now, with all things considered. His eyes continued to look glossy and he looked completely shut down, but he was safe. That’s all that mattered right now.
Message to: Mr Hoover
19:35: yea he’s with me, he was upset but he’s calm now, looks exhausted tho
He swallowed in pity.
Message from: Mr Hoover
19:38: I gathered. He was like this with his mom too. Its okay if he needs to stay with you for a bit
19:39: You’re really good to him, Reiner. Thank you
His face warmed up. Ever since he had found out the two were dating, Bertholdt’s dad had been nothing but accepting — something that Reiner knew he would probably never feel. And even when he knew what was to come, he was at least grateful someone’s love had no bounds.
Message to: Mr Hoover
19:40: no, thank you. i’m just really sorry
Reiner shut off his phone for the final time, stuffing it under his pillow before turning back to Bertholdt, who had now moved to curl himself further into the blonde, sleepiness battling against him. He smiled, adoration at an all time high.
“You know you can sleep, right?” Reiner asked softly, amusement tinted in his tone.
“Hmm…” Bertholdt replied, eyes half-lidded. “Isn’t it too early..?”
“It doesn’t matter, love, you’ve had a long day.” Reiner replied before he leaned down to kiss the other on the cheek, using his other hand to calmly run through his black locks. “I’ll stay with you.”
Bertholdt remained quiet, as he had quickly succumbed to his overtired body and overworked brain. As his body fully went limp, only then did Reiner truly feel just how ruined Bertholdt had felt all day, which surely was only amplified within the last few hours.
Reiner reached for his laptop and drastically turned down the volume, so much so he had to resort to using subtitles. He then pulled the blanket upwards to provide more warmth and he too finally allowed himself to relax.
This isn’t fair.