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Chapter Text

The bitter taste of hope washed fresh across his tongue as he sunk his sword into the foul, writhing flesh before him. It was so very close; the end of the suffering of his land, his people, his kind. The end of the struggle that bore him across the expanse of time and cost him everything he dared hold dear. All of it was nearly at hand, history rewriting in his mind with every strike of the blade against the massive beast.“NO!” Its voice roared in his ears and the theater of his mind. “THIS EFFORT IS FUTILE! I AM THE WHEEL OF FATE! NOSGOTH’S DESTINY IS MINE TO COMMAND!”
He bore aloft his greatsword, brimming with the energies of every slain soul he had ever stricken down. He would not dignify this creature with a response. These were but the pitiful pleas of a dying monstrosity, and he would eagerly put the wretch out of its misery. Fate would once again be within his own power. He would shape his own destiny.
Fate, once again, proved a cruel mistress.
Behind the form of the fetid false god, his ally Janos pulled at arcane mechanisms. The Chronoplast, the massive time-spanning device that allowed for their travel through the time stream, roared to life. Its unknowable powers tugged at the beast and pinned its diminished form to the ground. The effort to do so, even in its weakened state, was too much for the material realm. Where its body lie, the threads between realms grew weak, and he watched as the world rippled and tore under its unimaginable weight.
The moment’s hesitation was all that it needed. The beast reached out its great tentacles and struck not his body, but his wrist. His grip faltered, and his blessed weapon, the Soul Reaver, slipped from his grasp. He knew no terror like what he felt in that moment, as he watched the last hope for himself, for Nosgoth, for time and space itself, land in that monster’s unholy clutch.
“FOOL!” The beast cried. “ROT HERE IN THIS MISBEGOTTEN WORLD! TIMES UNKNOWN TO MORTAL MINDS SHALL BECOME MY NEW FEEDING GROUNDS WHILE YOU LANGUISH IN A DYING REALM! LIVE ETERNALLY, KNOWING YOU COULD NEVER DEFEAT ME!”
It plunged into the space between realms, and without another thought, he pursued. The unknowable energies gripped and plied at his material body, contorted his flesh, but could not affect his mind. He kept his focus on the horrid beast as it fled from him. He would be relentless in his search. He would not let his quarry slip from him. He-
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Everyone just sort of expected the Crystal Mirror at the heart of Princess Cadance’s castle to just… be strange sometimes. It was a portal to a parallel world full of two-legged walkers, sirens, demons, and high schools, after all. But today it was being strange off of its normal once-per-thirty moons schedule, and while Pinkie Pie suggested that meant a trip to the mirror-cologist for a check-up, Twilight had instead come up with a contingency plan. And then a few more, because what use was a plan if there was only one, and then a few more, and finally so many she had to compile them into a list (to no one’s surprise.)
And today was the day to put them to the test. Twilight had arrived in the Crystal Empire just that morning along with Spike. She had spent hours and hours setting up equipment, monitors, graphs, and fire extinguishers all around the Crystal Mirror. The mirror itself was glowing and sparking. The whole room smelled like burning caramel. Twilight hadn’t been this excited in months!
“Okay! Let’s get to the bottom of this! Spike, wake up!”
Spike had been happily napping in a pile of crystals at that point, but he grumpily groaned and rolled back onto his feet. “Mmkay… what have we got again?”
“According to the readings I’ve got from the seismograph, compared to the records from previous experiments-” Twilight quick-checked her papers against her other papers and declared with certainty. “We’ve got an U.M.O. coming through!”
“U.M.O.”, or “unidentified mirror object”, meant “I don’t really know” in Twilight-speak, but Spike didn’t bother to say that out loud. But it wasn’t one of the human two-leggy things, so that was something. He rubbed at his eyes. “Neat.”
“Begin safety procedures!” Twilight got on her protective gear. “Goggles!”
Spike slipped his goggles on. “Check.”
“Fire extinguishers!”
They sure existed. Spike made sure he could put his claws on the closest one. “Check.”
“Emergency letter to Celestia!”
Just in case everything went udders-up? Spike had a single scroll labeled “HELP QUICK” which he hastily filled in with “at the Crystal Palace, in the Mirror room” before rolling back up. “Check.”
Twilight could barely keep her hooves on the ground. Here it was! All her planning was about to pay off! The U.M.O. was coming through, and she would be the first pony to see it! Not to mention the telemetry data! Soon they’d be able to predict whatever came through the mirror before it ever set foot in Equestria! Oh, she could hardly wait!
“Welcom-”
What whizzed past her head and into the computer console behind her was a sword. A giant, wiggly, sharp sword with a skull hilt.
Spike, after a few seconds, grabbed a clipboard and made a note. “2:36 p.m., U.M.O. identified as ‘a sword’.”
“… well.” Twilight took a breath or two to get her heart rate down. All of her skin was cold with terror, but at the very least, the sword hadn’t so much as nicked her. But goodness it sure felt like it had flown right by her head. She was incredibly lucky. “Spike, make a note. ‘Possibility of weapons traveling through mirror portal at high speed. Request construction of a blast wall directly in front of Crystal Mirror.’ Got it?”
“Blast wall… mirror. Got it. We done?”
“I don’t-”
They weren’t done. The mirror flashed with bright green light, and before she could blink, tentacles burst from the mirror portal and smashed massive furrows into the crystal floor. One swept her aside, another lunged for the sword, and both of them retreated with a scream as the sword… just exploded into bright blue energy and burned the tentacles like marshmallows. The sword itself didn’t explode into pieces exactly, but in an ephemeral kind of magic way, Twilight “saw” pieces of it fly into the ether and vanish from her sight. Some of the energy flew back into the mirror, while others spun around in confused circles before darting into the castle. Two caught her notice more than the rest; one went behind the physical mirror and hid. The other whipped and crashed into the tentacles as if driving them back, and then poof, it was gone.
And then suddenly no more tentacles, but a lot of damage, a sword lying on the floor, ponies distantly speaking with shock and confusion, and the mirror still sparking.
Spike took a note. “… 2:37 pm. Tentacle monster.”
Twilight got back up on her feet and took a few, and a few more, breaths. “Okay… I will admit… the sword threw me. I did not enact the contingency plan for giant tentacle monster.”
“Rainbow Dash is gonna be super mad.”
“Well… tough!” Twilight got out. “The important part is that there’s no more tentacle monster-”
Spike took a look at the still-glowing mirror. “We’re not done are we?”
Twilight sighed and braced herself. “Things come in threes, things come in threes, things come in threes…”
What stepped out of the Crystal Mirror was a horse. Specifically a palomino, but also not. He was kind of a weird palomino. He was bulky like a draft horse, but shiny and smooth like a dragon, with yellow eyes like a wolf and cloven hooves and little horns like a goat. He wasn’t really a qirin because he didn’t have a single horn, and he wasn’t a changling because he didn’t have wings. All Twilight could really put together was that he was huge and golden with a long white mane and tail. So, in her mind, he was just kind of a weird palomino.
Plus, judging by how his forelegs buckled once his weight settled, he probably wasn’t normally this shape.
“OH! The script- I can do the script now!” She cleared her throat. “Welcome, friendly soul! Welcome to Equestria! Can you understand me?”
The massive stallion froze. She took note of the cape he wore over his right shoulder, and the harness on his back which (probably) normally held one big wiggly sword. After a few seconds, he nodded.
“Do you normally have two legs and two arms?”
She made a note to herself, mentally, to remove that question from the script. The weird palomino’s eyes show down to his forelegs. With a horrified shout, he reared back and kicked at the air.
Spike had the same idea. He scratched away at his clipboard. “Do not draw attention to hooves. Asterisk.”
“Where are my hands?!” The palomino roared. “What has happened to me?!”
“Nothing that can’t be reversed!” Twilight spoke as fast as she could. “It’s just a temporary change to your body composition! You can turn back at any time! Just take deep breaths!”
He landed with his forelegs splayed. Twilight kept a respectful distance and guided him through the deep breaths. Finally, she noted, the mirror returned to its resting state. She had been right, of course, about things happening in threes.
“Very good!” she encouraged. “Now, you’ll want to keep those forelegs under your center of gravity. Don’t look at your feet while you walk, or you’ll trip, trust me. Now, again: welcome to Equestria. I am Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
He shot her such a look. Several looks, actually, looking at her up-and-down and coming back to rest his gaze on her horn and wings. “What?”
“… Twilight. Sparkle.” This could be any number of things. Maybe he knew a parallel her, or a different parallel her than the one she already knew about. The look on his face didn’t read like he recognized her, though. He seemed more confused than anything. Testing out his new legs, he slowly wobbled his way over to the wiggly sword. “Of Equestria.”
He pawed gently at the handle of his sword. Clearly, he was used to having hands despite being an earth horse… sort of. “Not two minutes spent in an alternate reality, and I am met with royalty?”
Well, this was a good thing! That meant that she could scrap parts of the script, including explaining what royalty was and what parallel dimensions were. “Well, in a technical kind of way. Not by genetics. More of a practical kind of royalty.”
The palomino kicked his sword closer to him, but seemed to be confused as to how to pick it up. “Whose throne did you overthrow?”
“Oh, no overthrowing here!” she said with pride. “More like… they built a throne for me.”
His tone said he didn’t actually care. “Charming.”
Spike peeked out from behind his clipboard. “So what do I put him down as? Dragon?”
“He looks more like a horse to me,” Twilight assessed.
The weird palomino’s attention snapped back and forth between her and Spike while Spike tried to make his notes. “He’s kind of a little of both… is that even possible?”
“That… seems like more of a Fluttershy question than a me question.”
“2:39 pm, half-dragon-half-pony comes through the mirror-”
The palomino stomped. “Stop.”
That was fair; he was in a strange new place and they were ignoring him. “Stopping.”
He sighed, long and deep, and startled when he nickered. “… you cannot be serious. I cannot be in a world where the dominant race is brightly colored talking horses.”
“Ponies, actually,” Twilight corrected. “And not ‘dominant’ so much as…”
“Just kind of everywhere,” said Spike.
“… I can return whenever I wish?”
Twilight nodded. “Whenever you like.”
“Then I will do so with haste.” He kicked at the sword one more time. “… tell me. Did something happen before my arrival in this world?”
Spike rattled off. “Oh a BUNCH of stuff. That sword shot through here like a rocket, then a bunch of tentacles came out of the mirror and tried to take it, and then it kind of beat up the tentacles with magic and a bunch of ghosts came out of it-”
This was news to Twilight. “Ghosts?!”
“I mean, I saw them as ghosts,” said Spike. “Didn’t you?”
“No!”
“Not even the skinny blue one?”
The palomino vaulted over the computers and consoles to lord over Spike. “What did you say?!”
“SPIKE!” Twilight shouted. “CONTINGENCIES!”
Spike sprayed him with a fire extinguisher. It was the wrong contingency… but at least it got him to stop.

Chapter Text

Back in Ponyville, Spike’s follow-up letter arrived by dragonfire delivery. Everyone at the castle dove to open it first, and after a quick scuffle, Rainbow Dash caught the scroll and read it aloud.

“Dear everypony,” said Rainbow in her best Spike voice. “Pinkie Pie was right.”

“NEW PERSON THROUGH THE PORTAL!” Pinkie cheered. “KNEW IT!”

“The mirror connected to a new place called ‘Nosgoth’, and now there’s ghosts loose in Equestria.”

Subdued, Pinkie marveled, “Oh wow! Nevermind: ghosts aren’t on my ‘come out of the mirror’ bingo card. I think I put it on Fluttershy’s! Remember to stamp it when you get home!”

Fluttershy let the comment rest and instead asked, “All of Equestria?”

Rainbow continued, “We closed the portal for now to make sure nothing else gets in. Be back on the night train with a guest. Please keep an eye out for a blue pony in a scarf. Later, Spike.”

Back to herself, Rainbow scoffed. “Well thanks, Spike! That could be me!”

Rarity took issue with something else. “Surely she’s not implying that this azure stranger made the journey here in a single day?”

“Well, if she took the morning train, then maybe,” countered Fluttershy.

“I dunno,” said Applejack. “You’d have to mosey through that mirror with the bits and the know-how to get to Ponyville.”

“Unless…” Pinkie gasped with sudden revelation. “The blue pony is a ghost!”

“I… hmm.” Applejack mulled over it. “You know what? Pinkie might be onto something.”

“Isn’t that one of those ‘logical fallacies’ Twilight is always warning us about?” said Rainbow Dash. “We can’t prove she’s not a ghost, so she’s a ghost?”

“I’m not even sure she’s a she,” Fluttershy confessed.

Halfway across Equestria, Twilight was asking the same sort of question. “Who is this pony you’re looking for?”

The stranger washed the last bit of fire foam out of his eyes with a long sigh. It had taken him a long while to settle his nerves, and now he was ready to talk. “To spare you your evening: he is my son, Raziel. He was sealed within the Soul Reaver.”

He seemed ready to explain further, but Spike cut in. “We have a princess that used to be sealed in the moon, so that tracks.”

Twilight remembered, “Two, actually! Princess Celestia was only in there for a few hours, but she still counts!”

“Oh yeeaah!” said Spike.

The palomino stood in stunned silence for a moment.

Twilight knew the feeling. “Trust me: my friends and I have solved all kinds of problems. Lost children and ghostbusting? Piece of cake!”

“He’s not a- whatever.” The stranger groaned. “It is imperative that all of the spirits contained within the Soul Reaver return to Nosgoth with me, especially Raziel. I only just managed to reclaim Nosgoth from a metaphysical tyrant. I will not lose half of its population, however ephemeral, to a world of marzipan horses.”

“Ponies,” Twilight corrected.

Ever petulant, the stranger corrected himself. “Equines. We must cast a wide net for Raziel. He is capable of spanning continents within hours, should the mood take him.”

Spike thought aloud. “Friendship Map?”

Twilight was proud of him. She agreed! “Friendship Map!”

The stranger seemed tired. Of what? Maybe everything. He just sounded exhausted. “You speak such nonsense so casually.”

“It’ll all make sense back in Ponyville.”

“Yet again.”

“You’ll have to trust me on this. Plus, it’s where we have spare rooms for you to sleep in.” Not to mention security measures. The stranger might have been a guest, but he still had to be treated like he could be a threat, so he wouldn’t be sharing the castle with Flurry Heart. A thought struck her. “Oh no! I never got your name! I am so sorry!”

Twilight couldn’t begrudge him for this particular long groan. She deserved that one. “Kain.”

“That’s all? Like… Walking Cane?”

“No. Now, when are we leaving? I haven’t been given proper hospitality in centuries.”

“Not for a while now.” Twilight puffed up with delight. “I have to do… paperwork!”

Kain and Spike both groaned.

“Wanna go out in the courtyard and see if you can breathe fire?” said Spike.

“That’s the first sensible thing either of you have said since my arrival. Fine.”

Chapter Text

Rarity whispered into her ear. “Rainbow? Rainbow darling?”

Rainbow “darling” Dash did not wake up. She was vaguely aware of Rarity’s voice from the outside, but she was so comfy on the prissy pretty pony choice (“The chaise lounge, dear”) that she couldn’t bring herself to move. She grunted instead.

“Rainbow, we’re going to pick up Twilight at the train station. That’s Fluttershy, Applejack, and I. You’ll stay here with Pinkie?”

Rainbow whined.

“We’re ever so grateful, dear. You’re such a peach! We’ll be back before you can mend a seam. Ta~”

Rainbow fell back into the inky blackness of good, comfortable sleep.

Someone whispered into her ear. “Rainbow Dash.”

She listened.

“I trust you with my mission. Go out into the night and seek out the final lost soul. I can draw the rest to Ponyville, but this willful one can only be reached by one such as you.”

The wind beat under her wings. Her mane whipped at her ears. Her heart raced.

“In the name of your princess, go forth and be great.”

She was Rainbow Dash, and she wasn’t great. She was AWESOME!!!

The switch from sleeping to dreaming was seamless and instant. Rainbow Dash soared through the air above Ponyville-not-Ponyville, taking in the familiar but all kind of weird sights. Everything was the wrong color, everything was kind of twisted in the wrong way, but it was all still the rolling hills and thick forests she knew so well. Rainbow whipped through the sky and marveled at the lack of clouds.

“Hmm… looks like I get the day off work!”

“Silly! You’re not a weatherpony anymore, you’re a Wonderbolt!”

Well, her dreams said Pinkie Pie was here, so Pinkie Pie was here. It made dream sense, since Pinkie had been in the room when she fell asleep. Rainbow caught a thermal and pulled into a gentle spiral, trying to spot her friend. “That doesn’t mean I can’t have weatherpony dreams! Where are you, anyway?”

“Over here! In the balloon!” Pinkie Pie waved from her basket in the “balloon”, which seemed to be a giant glazed strawberry donut. She rose up right through the middle of the thermal. “Did you get a Princess Luna job too?”

“I… heard somebody talking to me…” Rainbow realized. “How’d you know?”

“This is a dream! Plus, it’s super expedient! Now we can get on with our double friendship mission to find the somepony!”

This cinched that Princess Luna had to be involved somehow. Normally Rainbow woke up whenever she realized she was dreaming. She wondered how far she could push this. “Sooo if this is a dream, why can’t you fly?”

Pinkie was silent for a moment as the thought occurred to her, and then with a massive gasp, she leaped from her basket. The “balloon” whisked away, and Pinkie Pie pony-paddled through the air at a casual pace. “I CAAAAN!”

Rainbow chuckled. “I always wondered if earth ponies grew wings in their flying dreams. WELP, we’ve got a soul to find! Alley-oop, Pinkie!”

With her forehooves firmly on Pinkie’s rump, Rainbow cranked it to full speed and took off into the sky. Pinkie wheelbarrowed along without so much as a break in stride, helpfully miming along with little racing car “vrrrrr-VRRRR-vrrrrr~” noises.

“So what are we looking for?!” Rainbow shouted over the wind noise.

“I don’t really know! I just know the rules of storytelling!” Pinkie pondered. “We got introductions out of the way, we established a scene, we set the baseline for normal, and then next up is-”

The ground roared below them, and up from Sweet Apple Acres burst a giant tentacle monster.

“OH DIP!!! Just like Twilight talked about!!” Rainbow let Pinkie go. “Pinkie! Pinkie, I gotta fight it!! This is gonna be epic!!!”

“OH, I absopositively agree!!” Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a confetti cannon. “Ready?!”

“READY!!!”

Down in the bucolic fields, the great beast trained its myriad eyes on its solitary foe. It need not bother taking note of his physical form, twisted as he had been by their transference between realms. It knew his Reaver of Souls all too well. Even now, it had beaten him to a standstill, and now it was only a matter of ending this pathetic game.

“YOU FETID, WRETCHED, UNGRATEFUL CHILD.” It coiled its tendrils around the minuscule annoyance. “I GIFTED YOU NEW LIFE AFTER THE TORTURE OF YOUR EXECUTION, AND YOU REPAY MY LARGESSE WITH BETRAYAL.”

Straining against his bondage, he snarled. “And I would do it again in an instant…”

“THE CHOICE IS NOT YOURS-”

And then, too quickly to process, it was struck in its grand lustrous eye by… a horse.

“TENTACLE CONTINGENCIES!!!” The horse threw down some manner of weapon and showered his spiritual form with shrapnel! “Octopuses hate SALT! CRACKER CANNON!”

It was set upon by all sides! No matter which eyes it gazed through, all it could see was bright bolts of color and light, and every sensation seared him like fire!

“Overwhelm the tentacles!!!” Another horse, a winged horse, circled its body and shouted at him. “Can’t hit this moving target, suckah!”

Its grand eye was blinded by a blast from the vile weapon! It roared in agony, dropping its prize.

Rainbow caught the tiny motion of a pony hitting the ground. She called out. “JOIN IN, NEW GIRL! HIT ‘IM WHERE IT HURTS!”

Rainbow expected what usually happened in dreams: the new pony would falter and swoon, and she’d swoop in to save them, and then the crowds would hail her as a hero. But the new pony set her hooves in and dove for the tentacle monster, swiping and kicking at it with its forehooves. Rainbow was proud!

“YEAH, GET ‘IM!” Pinkie cheered. “WE’RE HAVIN’ TAKOYAKI TONIGHT!”

“ABOMINATIONS! BLIGHTS! SCOURGES UPON THE SPIRIT REALM! YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME!”

Just as quickly as it appeared, it pulled back into the earth. Rainbow and Pinkie landed hard on its crater and stomped at the dirt, but it was no use. Dream logic demanded that they couldn’t dig for the monster, even while the new girl was trying hard to burrow for it.

“Nice!” Pinkie hopped. “Now we get to tell Twilight the contingency worked!”

“Yeah, in our dreams. Literally.” Rainbow took in the new-

OH, wow, dream mare looked rough. What she had assumed was a pony from a distance actually looked more like a really ragged changeling. Her legs were thin and unsteady, not to mention clawed, and her wings hung limp and tattered at her sides. She glared at them with glowing white eyes from under her red-

“OH!!!” Rainbow pointed. “BLUE PONY IN A SCARF!”

And then she ran.

Pinkie chirped, “Whoopsie.”

“No wait come back!! We’re looking for you!!”

The pony ran along the ground in an oddly springy gait that Rainbow could sort of place, but wasn’t really right for a pony. She flew alongside her at a matching speed. “I think you’re the pony Twilight told me to find! What’s your name?!”

She turned on a dime and bolted the other way.

“COME ON, GIRL, DON’T BE LIKE THAT!” Rainbow spun into a turn and flew just above the fleeing mare instead. “I saw how you fought out there! You’re like a beast! It was beautiful! I’ve never seen ponies do that with their hooves before!”

They were coming up on the gate to Sweet Apple Acres. The mare in the scarf ran through the bars. Rainbow flew over them.

“This isn’t working…” Rainbow shouted over her shoulder. “PINKIE! I need backup! Pony’s shy!”

“Oo!!” Pinkie marvelously appeared right behind her at that same pony-paddle flying speed. “I know all about this! Best way to start a conversation with a shy pony is by breaking the ice cream!”

“That’s breaking the ice, Pinkie-”

Just ahead of the running mare, Pinkie’s donut “balloon” crashed to the ground, exploding in a mound of ice cream sundae. The new pony couldn’t stop in time and plowed right into the middle.

“Welp…” Pinkie hovered over the supersize scoops. “That works too!”

Pinkie paddled past with a flourish. “Dream logic!”

The mare’s head popped out of the ice cream with a gasp. Rainbow sunk down to her level.

“Sorry if I came on a little strong,” said Rainbow. “But I do seriously wanna meet you! My friend Twilight says you came through a door from another world, and we’re gonna try and send you home!”

The mare listened, ears pointed forward, shivering.

“I’m Rainbow Dash!” she introduced herself. “And this is my friend Pinkie Pie.”

Pinkie Pie dove into the sundae and took a quick bite. “At your service!”

“What’s your name, girl?”

The very grumpy, very blue, very MALE pony answered, “Raziel.”

“… ooooh I got that completely wrong.”

“I told you!” said Pinkie. “I went ‘whoopsie’ and everything!”

“I thought you said that because I scared her- HIM!” Rainbow ducked her head. “Sorry Raz.” Back to Pinkie, she growled, “PINKIE you just let me call him a mare for, like, that entire fight!”

“I thought you were doing a thing!” Pinkie countered. “Where you call them the wrong pronouns to encourage them!”

“Who DOES that anymore?! That’s like, old grandpa stuff that-”

Raziel was chuckling, but not in a “you two are funny” way. He was laughing in that “I’m about to crack” kind of way, and Rainbow pivoted hard to pull Raziel out of the ice cream by his mane. “Sorry, Raz. Again.”

“What has happened to me…?” Raziel looked down at his forelegs and haunches before pulling his scarf tighter around his snout. “Is this some kind of punishment? Denied the oblivion of death, already mutilated by fate, I am now forced into yet another pitiful form??”

“You were dead?” Rainbow asked.

“He IS a ghost!!” Pinkie gasped. “I was right again!!”

“And you…” Raziel shrunk back from them and ducked right back into the ice cream. With a little jolt, realizing he was cornered, he cowered between them. “You creatures… what am I to make of this place?? Is this entire alien world inhabited by quadrupeds?”

Pinkie was quick to answer, “Basically yeah!”

“Most of us are four-leggers, yep.”

Raziel’s eyes blazed with anger. “You are taking me for a fool! This is some manner of trick meant to break my will! Once I find my way out of the spirit realm, I shall…”

He checked his periphery… and then again.

Rainbow ventured a guess. “Look, if you’re looking for a way out, I got nothing. This is just a dream, after all.”

“… a dream?” Raziel seemed… hopefully. “All of this is pure conjuration?”

“Oo, I like that!” Pinkie swept herself up into the air and pony-paddled away. “Come with me, and you’ll be in a WOOORLD of purest conjuration~”

“See that?” Rainbow pointed to the smaller-than-he-looked Raziel. “She can’t normally do that. See? No wings.”

Raziel’s eyes immediately went to the tatters of his wings, and Rainbow felt for him.

“Look, guy, I’ve been through these too,” said Rainbow. “The dreams where your feathers fall out, or your hooves stick to the ground, or your wings just fall off-” She shuddered just thinking about it. “They’re the worst. Take it from me- as long as you’re with me and Pinkie Pie? We’ll make it better.”

“Dreaming there, you’ll be free~” Pinkie swung down low and licked the top of the ice cream pile. “If you truly wish to be~”

“… so, let’s go walking, Raz.” Rainbow sidled up next to him and nudged him forward. “We’ll keep you company until you wake up.”

“I…” He kept his head low, and his ears back, but he nodded. “I would like that. Thank you.”

Elsewhere in the realm between realms, where spirits and dreams bumped shoulders and whispered to each other, Princess Luna smiled in approval. She could not commandeer the realm of spirits as she could those who slumbered. Her limited powers allowed her to collect the wandering ghosts that had spilled forth from the Crystal Mirror. But this… being. This strange thing that was not pony or human or spirit or material could not be influenced by sheer brute force. She was relieved that she set upon him the one force that trumped over all: the Power of Friendship.

Back in Twilight’s Castle, Twilight was just locking Kain’s door behind her before she turned off the lights for the night. She went to check on Rainbow and Pinkie in the drawing room. “Pinkie? Rainbow? Do you want to-?”

There on the fainting couch was a third pony, blue and wearing a red scarf. His thin form was sleeping comfortably between Rainbow and Pinkie, mindless of Pinkie’s snoring or Rainbow’s little dream kicks.

“Oh, Raziel. Neat.” She was too tired to make a log of it. She just went straight to her bedroom and, satisfied by… someone’s hard work, fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Raziel was still there when Twilight woke up in the morning. It was actually kind of funny, seeing him sandwiched between Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie on the couch, pleading with his eyes. It reminded her of when Fluttershy was “held hostage” at Rarity’s by Opalescence the cat resting on her back. Twilight covered her mouth to stifle her giggles. Something told her that if Raziel really objected to being the bottom of the pony pile, he could let himself out.

She whispered to him. “It’s okay. You can stay there.”

Raziel did not reply with words; he only intensified his “let me out of here” expression.

“I’ll be right back.”

Raziel wasn’t her only guest after all. She trotted down to Kain’s room and unlocked the door. “Good morning.”

Kain slept with his sword at his side, which Twilight found… worrying, but understandable. He also had apparently been awake a while. His eyes snapped open at her voice, alert and responsive. The fearsome baseline glare in his eyes was offset by the fact he was wrapped up in Twilight’s spare quilts and baby blue afghan. Tucking his massive bulk into a bed a size too small for him, Kain looked a little like a cloth-wrapped lunchbox. “Do you lack servants to do this kind of thing for you? The nobility must personally attend to guests?”

“Not that kind of princess,” was all she gave him. “Now, upsy-daisy! There’s a surprise waiting for you downstairs.”

She kept the surprise even while Kain faltered putting his wiggly sword back into his harness. She kept Raziel out of view as Spike came in and did it for Kain (“And yet the world is in the hands of those with no hands,” Kain quipped). She managed to keep the smile off her face as Kain wobbly-walked out the bedroom door and into the central atrium (or, casually, the living room).

She didn’t bother hiding her smile when Kain whinnied in delight and galloped face-first into the couch. Yeah it threw Rainbow and Pinkie to the floor and Raziel wound up crushed under the heaviest nuzzle he’d probably ever received in his life, but it was worth it.

Now she just had to leave it up to Spike to take notes.

Halfway through the following conversation, she promised herself to take Spike out for an apology round of ruby parfait, because she was completely lost.

“We WERE just dreaming, though!” Rainbow insisted. “How was I supposed to know that’s not your normal body?!”

“Then how did I come to manifest here?!” Raziel snapped back. “And why like this?! I have made the journey between realms innumerable times-!”

“It is not the same realm, Raziel! Why must I repeat myself?!” Kain spoke over him. “Just because you were not consciously aware of the transition doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!”

“Exactly!” Pinkie piped. “It’s like falling asleep on the train and waking up in Trottingham!”

“You can’t take the train to Trottingham!” shouted Rainbow. “It’s an island!”

Raziel balked. “And what is a ‘train’?!”

Poor Spike just stared at her, exhausted, from over his notes. “Couldn’t tell him anything, huh?”

“I maintain it was worth the surprise to see him smile,” said Twilight, less and less sure of the statement by the moment. Kain’s smile was radiant and sincere, but it was also… fanged. She wondered if Raziel also had fangs under his ever-present face wrap.

“Stop- STOP! All of you!” Kain pointed to Twilight. “Now. Her sister controls the realm of dreams-”

Pinkie corrected. “No, she has a brother that’s married to the Princess of Love, and her niece is the-”

“ENOUGH.” Kain groaned. “God, there’s so many of you and all of you speak nonsense. What do you mean, the ‘princess of love’? As if she has command over the abstract concept??”

Twilight caught Raziel’s eyes as they darted over to Kain, as if he’d said something important. It was tricky to do when Raziel didn’t have pupils, but at least he had very expressive eyebrows. “Does Nosgoth not have anything like that? A single pony who has magical command over a force that’s… I dunno, important to the cosmology? A pillar of the universe? A-”

THERE. She was onto something when she said “pillar”. Kain’s eyes snapped to hers, and Raziel despite having half his face covered smirked so hard she could reflexively feel her cheeks moving to match.

“… it can’t be…” Kain scrutinized her face. “… this place cannot have Guardians.”

She caught the emphasis there, and replied with absolutely certainty. “We call them Elements.”

Kain and Raziel took breakfast in the dining room with Equestria’s Elements of Harmony. Raziel had met Loyalty and Laughter, and Kain had briefly touched base with Honesty, Generosity, and Kindness after he had ridden on the train with the Princess of Friendship.

Kain and Raziel both looked as if they were going to barf by the time everyone had introduced themselves properly.

“Wassa matter?” asked Applejack. “You got a problem with our Elements?”

“To be fair, if I wasn’t one, I’d think the whole thing was kind of dumb too,” said Rainbow.

Relieved at having his thoughts voiced aloud, Raziel sighed into the table. “Thank you.”

“So what are your Elements the guardians of?” Rarity asked.

Raziel laid his head down. “Oh, no…”

Kain recited a long monologue about the Pillars of Nosgoth, the physical embodiment of the metaphysical energies that bound his world together. Each Pillar was the domain of a vampire guardian (“Wait, you’re a-!!!” was all Rainbow got before Fluttershy shushed her) who achieved heightened magical ability and a nearly infinite lifespan in exchange for their subservience. Chosen at birth and seemingly at random, it became their true destiny to become one of the Nine: The Guardians of the Mind, Nature, Energy, Time, States, Dimension, Conflict, and Death. Above all of them presided the Guardian of Balance, the axle on which all other powers rotated, the most powerful and wisest-

Kain’s ears snapped behind him and he turned with a snarl… to nothing.

“Um…” Twilight’s ears went up, as did all of her friends, but she couldn’t hear anything. “Hello?”

Spike doodled at his parchment. “The ghost laughed at him.”

“Her name is Ariel,” said Raziel. “She was the Guardian of Balance before Kain. Her spirit used to be bound eternally to the Pillars… apparently she is no longer.”

“She escaped containment within the Soul Reaver the same as you,” Kain explained. “Why she continues to follow me when she could wander the earth freely-”

Raziel helpfully suggested, “Spite.”

Rainbow laughed.

Twilight checked the mood of the room. Rarity was enraptured by the account, unbothered by Kain and Raziel’s florid prose (and probably sincerely enjoying it, if Twilight had to guess.) Applejack maintained a skeptical frown. Fluttershy had maintained a neutral air until the word “ghost” had popped up, and now she was tucked a little further back in her chair. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, having spent more or less the entire night with Raziel, casually sat in the chairs closest to him as if they were new friends. Raziel, despite behind tired by conversation, kept watch over the audience just as Twilight was now. Kain brought his attention back to the table, but one of his ears stayed locked on the ghost apparently only Spike, Kain, and Raziel could hear. Spike, meanwhile, scribbled away.

“So,” said Twilight, back on course. “Were you the only Guardian to come through from Nosgoth?”

Before Kain could answer, Raziel spoke for him. “He’s the only one left.”

“Oh no!” said Pinkie. “What happened?”

“Well I killed the rest of them, of course,” said Kain as plainly as anything else. No anger, no frustration, no hint that what he was saying was anything but the stone cold truth.

Twilight checked the room again. Rarity slammed back into her chair, ramrod straight against the cushion with one forehoof on the seat, ready to bolt. Applejack leaned onto her forehooves, ready instead to charge, suddenly laser focused on the massive palomino. Fluttershy had gone pale. Rainbow Dash and Rarity shared a look and drew their lips in tight, suddenly unwilling to say a word out of place. Even Spike was paying attention now, quill in hand, not writing down a word.

“Please,” Kain groused. “You’ve proven yourselves entirely harmless, if insufferably twee. If our only two choices are to work with the lot of you, or to slaughter you at leisure and work out the logistics of our return over the course of the next several centuries, then the answer is self-evident.”

“That’s… good.” Twilight struggled for a response. “That’s good to know.”

“Now, I believe we’ve wasted enough time here. Come, Raziel.”

And then Kain promptly stepped out of his chair, slipped his hoof out from under him, and dropped flat on his face.

Twilight couldn’t breathe for laughing. She didn’t have to check the room to know everyone else was too.

Chapter Text

So it wasn’t that Kain was incapable of walking. If he concentrated, he could move forward at a steady gait, and turning was no trouble. He could stand without falling. It was more that it wasn’t second nature to him yet, like when Twilight was first learning how to fly. Any little distraction- or Pinkie Pie, who was Equestria’s BIGGEST distraction- tripped him up and landed him flat on his face. Twilight predicted there would be no murders, especially since Kain couldn’t reach his wiggly sword from its harness on his back. She would have to tell him later that most ponies work their swords on their flanks.

In fact, now that she looked closely, he had a Cutie Mark. It was just a triangle, without so much as a color fill or flourish. Just a plain triangle, drawn in brush strokes. She wondered if his special talent was trigonometry. It must have been the Nosgoth influence that kept it so faint on his flank; it was like it was under his skin instead of on his fur. Not that he had fur, but still.

She was getting distracted. Ponyville wasn’t going ghost-free-proud-to-be until Kain managed at least a trot. He had to learn to walk, especially if-

Spike pointed. “THERE’S ONE!”

-they were going to catch any of the wandering Nosgoth ghosts. Rainbow, Raziel, and Pinkie Pie took off for the ghost in that order while Kain managed a single step before eating dirt.

“You know, this was funny at first,” said Applejack, “But now I just sorta feel bad for the guy.”

Kain snarled as he rose. “Keep your pity, peasant. The limits of my mercy-”

“Yeah yeah, big scary ‘mportant guy back in-” and Applejack put her nose into it, “Nawsgawth.”

“Oh, Applejack, we must be patient with him.” Rarity levitated Kain into the air just enough to get back on his feet. “Just because we’ve been walking this way since we were babies doesn’t mean it comes naturally to him.”

The ghost-busting gang were a distant cloud of dust by now, crossing a hilltop in pursuit of a spirit. Twilight pointed to them. “Seems like it came pretty naturally to Raz.”

“Do not call him by that infantile name!” Kain stood up for Raziel’s honor in his son’s place. “He is the sire of a thousand young! He has slaughtered innumerable foes in my name, brought glory to the Empire, and laid the gods low!”

Fluttershy dared speak. “H-he seems okay with it though. I mean I haven’t asked, and I still need to apologize for thinking he was a she, actually, um-”

Spike piped up from Twilight’s back. “Incoming Pinkie Pie!”

Pinkie returned first in a gay little hop, cantering up to Kain so she could high jump over his back. The noise he made was properly offended. “Raz says I’ve got the ghosty on my back! I can’t see her but I thought Spike might~”

“Can confirm!” Spike gave her a thumbs up. “One happy ghost!”

“YES!

Rainbow swooped down and hovered over Kain’s back. “Hey, whatever weird dragon magic Spike has going on that lets him see ghosts? I want in on that! Raz has ghost-vision and everything, but I’m way faster!”

Finally, Raziel limped his way back to the group. He flinched with every step, and Kain was quick to turn and pull Raziel to his side. “Did they hurt you?”

Raziel sighed, “No, you doddering old fool. Keep your distance… my spine simply aches from the strain of running.”

Twilight worried. He hurt just from running? That was very odd- they hadn’t even gone that far. Before she could remark on it, Fluttershy poked her head forward. “Actually, if you don’t mind, I was wondering about that. Um, Pinkie Pie? Mr. Raziel, if you would mind, could you both- um- goodness- trot for me?”

Pinkie bounced with glee! “Woohoo! Okay, Raz, be my duckling!”

“What are y-”

With an undignified “YYYUGh”, Raziel was grabbed by the mane and pulled along Pinkie Pie in a casual trot. Or, rather, Pinkie Pie trotted, while Raziel fell into sort of a half walk that seemed… wrong? But Twilight couldn’t put her hoof on why.

Fluttershy spotted it right away. “Look there! See, he doesn’t walk like a pony. He walks like a dog. Look at how his spine bends with his stride.”

Rarity tutted. “Terrible runway form.”

Applejack winced. “Oooh that hurts my back just lookin’ at it. No wonder he’s smartin’.”

Even aching and tired, Raziel tossed his head. “I can hear all of you.”

“Maybe this calls for a lesson,” Twilight thought aloud.

Kain arched his neck and tried to make himself look big and scary. “We do not need lessons in how to walk. This is humiliating drudgery meant to undermine my authority.”

“Think of it as…” Twilight pondered. “… no. There’s really no other way to think about it. They’re lessons. But not to undermine your authority!”

“Here comes the vamp,” said Spike, not referring to the vampire ponies.

Kain could hear it too, and his ears pivoted wildly. “What’s that? What’s playing music??”

“Oh, dip, here we go!” Rainbow guffawed.

Twilight ignored the comments, because honestly? She had given up on trying to find out where the music was coming from years ago. She just rolled into it. “These are fun lessons! Just to make being a pony a little more, you know… fun!”

“Oh, and I know all~ about how fun it is being a pony!” Pinkie bounded along in time with the tune. “Come on, Raz! Just follow the bouncing Pinkie Pie!”

Raziel struggled to fall into Pinkie’s step. “Kain, I want you to know, I preferred it inside the Reaver.”

Pinkie let the music carry her away.

“ Well it doesn’t take a lot to do a pony trot, count one two one two!”

Raziel lifted up too many feet and dropped like a rock. Applejack pulled him up by his tail. Keeping eye contact with her frail little student, she hopped on her hooves so he could see where he feet landed.

“ You’ll see a pony drop, but you’ll never see her stop! Go one two, one two!”

Pinkie Pie cut back in, standing in front of Raziel so he could mirror her moves. Surrounded on two sides, he grudgingly watched their legs.

“ It’s so simple ; all you do is hop to a trot like one and two!”

He couldn’t manage the bounce, but he could at least manage to lift his feet in time. The two girls gave her wide, joyful smiles for his efforts, and to his mild embarrassment, he found himself smiling back. Pinkie Pie threw a leg around his shoulders.

“ Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!”

Applejack mirrored the motion and fell into a harmony with Pinkie.

“ Pony life’s so nice and breezy!”

Before he knew it, he was swept along by a rush of bodies. If he thought he was surrounded before, now he had a powdery pastel pony on every side of him, ushering him along in a synchronized herd. They held their heads high and harmonized while he tried to keep in step. Even Spike, with no feet on the ground, happily swayed back and forth as he sang the chorus.

“Come on, let’s all go out on a Pony Walk, Pony Walk! Nothing bad can happen while you Pony Walk, Pony Walk!”

Pinkie Pie leaped into the air. “Everybody, come and sing!”

Rarity glowed with pride, magically and figuratively. “We’ll lend a horn-”

Fluttershy spread her wings wide. “-and lift a wing!”

Raziel looked down at his feet and discovered, to his amazement, that he was stepping in time with the ponies. It was, indeed, easy to move with the beat of the music, and he couldn’t help his grin. The ponies leaned their heads toward him, brimming with pride.

“’Til you walk a perfect pretty Pony Walk, Pony Walk!”

Pinkie Pie waved over to Kain, who had take up a stubborn post farther away than before. “Come on, Kainy, second verse!”

He snarled. “I refuse to participate!”

“Okay!”

Raziel only got a moment to put his feet down before Rarity urged him forward. She lead him through the steps with a calm, patient tone. “Canter is a perfect lady’s gait, one two three! Eyes on me so I might illustrate, one two three!”

This particular motion seemed to come more naturally to him. Maybe it was that the music had pulled him in, or maybe he was just getting more practiced. As he fell into his stride, Fluttershy came along his other side.

“You’re doing great! I’m sure you’ve found that all your hooves are off the ground!”

He could feel it, the moment his claws left the earth, that tiny little moment of flight. He nodded as much as he could in motion. Rarity tossed her long mane.

“A canter banter quick review!”

Fluttershy kicked up slightly ahead of either of them. “To move the way that ponies do!”

Now he found himself in a line rather than the middle of the crowd. He was the second from the lead, right behind Fluttershy. Had he been asked to take this position earlier, he might have balked, but now it all seemed natural and easy. The line wound back around to Kain, completely circling him as he scowled into the middle distance. Through it all, the ponies sang.

“Come on, let’s all go out on a Pony Walk, Pony Walk! Friends and fun and fillies on a Pony Walk, Pony Walk!”

Pinkie jumped up. “Now Raziel should sing this time!”

What little flesh he had left burned with embarrassment, but… “I think I’ll start with… just the rhyme.”

Pinkie was proud anyway. “THAT’S the ticket!”

The rest of the ponies giggled. “On that Pony Walk, Pony Walk!”

Spike silently slithered onto Kain’s back. He thought maybe the little thing, who spoke the most sense out of these increasingly murder-worth ponies, would be on his side. But no, the wretched little dragon simply dropped into the bridge. “I’m guessing Nosgoth doesn’t do this whole big ‘music’ thing. I mean, you haven’t sung a word.”

Kain wished he could breathe fire in this moment. Spike raised his claws in apology.

“I guess I understand. I’ve kind of just accepted it. It’s not bad moving… with the herd?” Spike slipped away. “Just sayin’!”

Rainbow soared into Raziel’s peripheral vision from above before landing right beside him on the ground. She set off at a full run, just like before, and Raziel had to sprint to keep up with her. “Galloping gets all four hooves pumping, one two three four! Perfect for racing, flying, jumping, one two three four!”

Twilight wasn’t far behind him, keeping him from retreating. “Back held straight and head held high, keep running ‘til you reach the sky!”

If only he could. But the proper gallop, now that he mastered it, felt so right! He could move nearly twice as fast as before, and so effortlessly! It was like he could run forever! He even dared to leap with delight, and as he did, he found the ponies leaping with him. Pinkie Pie spun in the air.

“Let’s all shout, hip-hip-hooray!”

He barely hit the ground before the ponies were on him from every side, embracing him.

“You’re learned to walk the Pony Way!”

He could lead the march now! He bounced into his newly acquired trot, delighting in how all of their hooves fell in the beat with him. The ponies harmonized as they followed along, ever in sync, always moving towards the same goal.

“We’re so proud of you and your new Pony Walk, Pony Walk! Now you too can do a brand new Pony Walk, Pony Walk!”

Pinkie sidled up to his shoulder. “Did you have fun? Was that so bad?”

Raziel smirked and pointed to Kain. “I did it just to make him mad.”

Kain glared. “I could tell.”

Nonetheless, the ponies tittered and squeaked with joy.

“Everyone together for that Pony Walk!”

Twilight didn’t so much trot by Kain as float by in a happy daze. She couldn’t help but laugh. “See, Kain? Isn’t learning fun?”

Kain, very pointedly, hadn’t moved an inch for quite a while. It was like he had taken root out of indignation. “Whatever mind-manipulating magic you practice, I will not be swayed by it.”

“Aw, it’s just a little music! You’ll get the hang of it. Just like Raziel!”

Raziel trotted by with his short little mane and tattered remnants of a tail bouncing in the breeze. “I take it back. I much prefer it here than my oblivion within the Reaver. This shall be my new territory.”

Kain’s answer was simple, short, and unwavering. “No.”

“I shall have a grand castle constructed.” Raziel was mostly being sassy; Twilight could tell by his tone. He was, that said, very good at being sassy. “There will be music every night.”

“No.”

“I like the sound of your castle!” interjected Pinkie Pie. “Sign me up!”

Kain bemoaned, in his heart of hearts, that he would rather be rending the false god in twain than spending another minute with these asinine equines.

Chapter Text

He was the benevolent dictator of Nosgoth. His powers were vast. His might was immeasurable. His command over his own body was without equal.

This was not his own body. This was the body of some… horse.

That was what Kain told himself as he glared at the door barring him from his freedom. He could still feel the essence of his powers brimming under his flesh, aching to be released. He simply didn’t know how to tap into it in his current, temporary, physical form. He would have to practice. A little gambol in the night would be good for him. It would be a blessed relief from the constant presence of the damned ponies.

Even so, he would not be able to escape from Ariel.

She had haunted him ever since her escape from the Soul Reaver. Unlike him, she had no physical form to corrupt. Her beaming, ethereal human face twisted with ever-present laughter, and Kain wished from the bottom of his blackened heart that Raziel might consume her soul. The only thing keeping him sane was the fact that she could not be heard by the vile equines, only by Raziel… and perhaps, maybe, by the scribe dragon. He could simply ignore her, and continue to ignore her, until she finally went silent...

“Oh, how terrible!” Ariel cried with relentless sarcasm. “Oh, vae caballus! Kain’s ‘rein’ of terror, halted by a sliding lock!”

“You are more than welcome to take my place.” Kain glared at the lock. He refused to give her the dignity of eye contact. “You cavort with the jolly ruminants, and I can be the intangible presence screaming in your ears.”

“And I shall never cease!” Ariel nearly growled with sadistic delight. “Fifty score years of torment, watching you destroy Nosgoth! Let your punishment be served under the ever-present eyes of happy little ponies! I shall witness, and I shall remember every sigh, every stumble, every indignity eternally!”

Kain, desperate, reached out his power to the sliding lock on the other side, and the door opened.

On the other side was Raziel, with the scribe dragon hanging from his neck, hand on the lock.

Ariel shrieked with laughter.

The scribe dragon flinched. Even through his discomfort, Kain could see his eyes were heavy with lost sleep. “You guys are really loud.”

“Quiet, child,” ordered Kain.

“We should be telling you as much,” said Raziel.

He expected this kind of backchat from Raziel, but he didn’t have to like it. “Quiet, childe.”

“I forget that the dragon can hear me…” Ariel bemoaned.

The scribe yawned. “Do you need to go for a walk?”

Kain scowled. He was going to come out of tonight with a migraine. “I do not need to go for a walk. Dogs and senile old women need to go for a walk.”

“Well, then, would you like to? Just for funsies?” The little dragon stretched. “Since you’re a vampire and you’re nocturnal and all.”

“… fine.”

Elsewhere in Equestria, a spirit roamed, lost and confused. Only vaguely aware of his form, incorporeal and yet sapient, he pondered on his circumstances. He had no memory of the oblivion of total undeath, of the lack of afterlife that he had known upon his many slayings in Nosgoth. His memories of life, of the streams of time, all were present. But his final waking memories… the sight of the great and terrible god that had clouded his vision and controlled his every action through his centuries of life… It must have been some illusion. Some vile trick that Kain had cast upon him before his demise. It all began with the wraith, yes, with Raziel and his unholy vampire blade. That must have been it! He could not be so beguiled as to have fallen under the sway of a monstrous sea creature!

“Curse them…” he snarled. “Curse those foul… wretched vampires! May their blackened souls be damned! May they know unending suffering!!”

As if answering his prayers, a familiar voice addressed him. “YES, MY FAITHFUL SERVANT. YOU HAVE RETAINED YOUR LOYALTY EVEN IN THIS STRANGE ALIEN WORLD, AND FOR THAT, I SHALL REWARD YOU.”

“Master! Oh, great god of Nosgoth, the eternal Wheel of Fate!!!” He knelt- he bowed?- he lowered himself before his god. “Your servant awaits your commands!”

“THEN RISE MOEBIUS, GUARDIAN OF TIME. I SHALL RESTORE YOU TO LIFE AND GRANT YOU POWERS BEYOND THAT WHICH YOU HAD BEFORE. MAKE HASTE TO MY BODY, AND I SHALL RESTORE YOURS.”

Meanwhile, Kain was slowly gaining a sense of his own body. He had mastered the trot. Moving through the quiet streets of the quaint little pony town, so rustic and humble compared to the great crystal palace of its vassal, was a nostalgic sensation he had not experienced since he was a boy. The feeling was less so due to the action itself than the speed at which it progressed; he was much faster than he expected. Raziel made two steps for every one of his. Or perhaps now, it was eight for every four. Being a horse was tiresome. At the very least, he had an easier time of it than Raziel, who had to keep up with his long strides and carry the little dragon scribe on his back. Ariel simply flew behind them at her own leisure.

Kain asked the little scribe. “So why do you walk among horses, child?”

“Ponies,” the child corrected. “And I don’t really know! Princess Celestia just kind of had my egg, and when I hatched, ponies were there.”

“Princess this, Princess that,” Raziel groused, “You have princesses as if they grew on trees. How virile is your king that he had not produced a male heir?”

“Raziel!” chided Ariel. “I expect better of you!”

“We don’t have a king, or a queen before you ask,” the child explained. “Four princesses- five, maybe, one’s a baby. Celestia and Luna are sisters and the big ones in charge, then Cadance in the Crystal Empire and her baby, maybe. Twilight’s the newest one.”

“What does one do to obtain the title?” Kain wondered perhaps if he slew one, he might absorb its soul and gain its power.

As if she could read his mind- or perhaps just knowing him well- Ariel glared with unspoken threat. “Matrilineal primogeniture, of course.”

The scribe thought aloud. “I know it has something to do with being really good at magic, and that’s about it. Hey, can I ride on Kain’s back? No offense, Raz, but you’re bony and my butt can’t take it.”

He was taken by surprise. He was concentrating on something else. It was the excitement of a midnight hun- stroll. That was why Kain laughed, he told himself. He would not give the little scribe, no matter how his allegiances fell, the satisfaction of thinking he was clever.

Meanwhile, in the depths of the Everfree Forest, a lone pony shrieked in horror.

“What have you done to me?!” Moebius quivered on his hooves. “What AM I?! You repay my loyalty and goodwill by transmogrifying me into a beast?!”

“THESE BEASTS SHAPE THE LAND AND RULE EVERY THINKING BEING OF THIS WORLD. WITH THIS YOU CAN INFILTRATE THEIR RANKS-”

“Infiltrate their ranks?! You are an all-powerful god!!” Moebius stamped his back leg out of reflex. “You command life and death, and you cannot bring me back to my human body?! And what of my powers?! I have no command over magic without my tools!”

“THEN LEARN, PEON!” The great being surrounded Moebius with his unseen presence. “NOSGOTH IS LOST! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE GAINED FROM CLINGING TO THE OLD WAYS. I AM YOUR MASTER, YOU ARE MY AGENT, AND I COMMAND YOU TO LEARN THE WAYS OF THE TALKING BEASTS IN ORDER TO SUBJUGATE THEM TO MY WILL!”

“I refuse!!!” Moebius stood his ground. He was the Guardian of Time, not some nag horse to be put out to pasture! His new form was thin and brittle and balding, and he must have his grand original body in order to command the masses! “I don’t even have HANDS! How am I to do your bidding with all of my limbs touching the ground?!”

Somehow, in that instant, Moebius knew he had spoken too much. The air around him changed.

“THEN HAVE YOUR FORM, AND REVEL IN MY BENEVOLENCE.”

On the outskirts of Ponyville, Spike heard another wail in the darkness. The first had been fear- this one sounded like devastating pain. He darted from Kain’s back and under Raziel’s scarf to hide.

“It can’t be…” Ariel gasped.

“It is.” Kain could hear it so clearly, as well as he could with his original ears. He spotted Raziel out of the corner of his gaze, his blue ears pivoting to the source of the noise. “My dear Raziel… are you hungry?”

Raziel pawed at the earth. “Ravenous.”

A cold shiver ran along his skin. He grinned. “Funny. So am I.”

Out in the Everfree Forest, Moebius was in agony. His fingers and toes had fused together into one solid mass. All of his middle teeth were gone. His bones ached from where they had been crushed and stretched into a human body, as if his skeleton were molten iron, and he had felt each hair as it had receded back into his skin. He could barely stand. He could hardly breathe.

“ARE YOU SATISFIED?! NOW, RETURN TO YOUR WORK, MOEBIUS. THERE IS MUCH TO BE DONE.”

“Yes… yes my master…” Moebius choked. “Your will… be done.”

A voice behind him spoke. “Ariel, keep an eye on the dragon. This won’t take long.”

His great and mighty god yelped in terror and fled, leaving him alone.

A child answered, “Wait, what’s going on?? How’d we get-”

“Quiet, child.”

Moebius knew those voices… he knew who was at his back… And he welcomed them. “Have mercy…”

“Well…” Raziel put a hoof to his neck. “Since you have asked so politely…”

And Moebius knew no more.

It was morning when Twilight woke and found Spike out of his bed. Raziel and Kain were out of their rooms, too, and she was nearly on the edge of panic until she found them, once again, on the couch in the living room. Rather, Kain was napping on the couch in the living room while Raziel nosed his way through a picture book, and Spike was wide awake on Kain’s back.

“Um… good morning?”

“Okay, so,” said Spike. “I didn’t see anything… but I’m pretty sure Kain and Raziel ate a guy.”

“We did,” said Raziel. “Do not worry; he was one of ours and he was supposed to be dead.”

“… okay. Cool.” Twilight wasn’t quite sure how to process that. “… please don’t eat people in front of Spike.”

“We didn’t. We put him safely inside a hollow tree, then consumed him.” Raziel shut his book. “The problem now is that your land is infested with the same parasitic false god that nearly felled Nosgoth.”

Twilight hated that she knew what he was talking about. “The tentacle monster?”

“Yes, the tentacle monster,” Raziel confirmed. “Kain knows how he might be defeated, once he’s awake. I simply hope we will be enough.”

Finally, in the Crystal Empire, the mirror portal whirred to life.

Chapter Text

“Sorry I’m late!” Applejack was the last of the girls to arrive at the meet-up point under Twilight’s castle. They had all arranged to go on one last ghost-roundup after their work days were over, and while the others had set or self-determined hours, Applejack had to make time where she could. “Pigs got into the orchard.”

“No biggie! Glad you could make it,” Twilight greeted. “I can’t wait to show you the idea I had for containing all the Nosgoth ghosts!”

The other ponies (and their guests) were amusing themselves in the shade of crystal tree. Pinkie, Raziel, and Rainbow Dash ran circles around the trunk in a game of tag. Kain discovered early that day that he could make Fluttershy wince just by puffing his chest out, and ever since Rarity had shoved herself between them as a protective barrier. Spike hadn’t touched the ground once, constantly bouncing between Twilight or Kain’s back as he saw fit, always with a scroll and quill in hand.

Kain’s ears swiveled over to Applejack before his eyes did. Twilight was mildly proud. “Pigs? But you’re herbivores. Why do you raise pigs?”

“… because they till up the soil with their noses and eat all the garbage?” said Applejack. “What does us bein’ herbivores have to do with pigs?”

Raziel ran by at full tilt, but still found time to shout, “SAY NOTHING, KAIN!”

“Mind your attitude, Raziel!” Kain tossed his mane. “Nevermind.”

“Oookay- SO!” Twilight summoned up her travel pack. “Gather ‘round, everypony!”

(“God I hate this place…” Kain muttered just loud enough for Twilight to hear him.)

“I stayed up last night brainstorming a place we could put the Nosgoth ghosts-”

Pinkie piped up. “The Nosghoths!”

“- so they could be comfortable and safe in a single location until we returned them all!”

(“Are the pigs sapient too?” Raziel whispered to Kain.)

(“Don’t ask me,” Kain whispered back. “Ask one of them.”)

(‘One of them’, namely Rainbow Dash, swatted Raziel’s flank with her back hoof. “Ssh!”)

“So I went out this morning and bought THIS!”

It was a gorgeous snowglobe, absolutely massive compared to normal snow globes. Inside was an entire little village on rolling hills and clean blue ceramic ponds. The windmills really spun, and the clouds floated high in the snowglobe water. All together, there were about fifteen tiny buildings ranging from solitary huts to grand dining halls. Twilight stood tall and proud beside her acquisition. “A miniature village!”

Kain summarized, “An aquarium.”

“It-” Twilight stopped. He had a point. “I… If we take the water out then-”

“Then it becomes a terrarium,” said Kain. “A simulacrum of a village.”

Pinkie Pie leaned in. “A simulacrarium.”

“Quiet, you.” Kain, to make his point, reached out his foreleg and tipped the snowglobe over. It fell with a little slosh. “Not a miniature village.”

“An excellent effort nonetheless,” Raziel added as consolation. “You’ve done more than Kain has-”

Kain swiftly knocked Raziel across the flank with his back foot, toppling not just his son but Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy like dominoes. Only Applejack stayed on her feet when the wall of pony crashed into her side.

Rainbow threw her hooves up. “Seven-ten split!”

Twilight glowered. “You know, I get the feeling you aren’t told this enough, but you’re mean.”

Kain only laughed. “Oh, you wound me.”

Before she could continue, Spike hiccuped. He patted Kain’s back as a warning. “Whup- incoming message from… tastes like Cadance-”

With a fiery belch, Spike spit out a message stamped with Cadance’s royal seal. Spike wasn’t kidding; Twilight could smell the combination of Cadance’s perfume and ‘new baby smell’ from the other side of the snowglobe. Even Raziel flinched from it, and his snout stayed covered. Nonetheless, Spike opened the letter and read aloud.

“Incoming big deal. Private meeting tonight. Cadance.” Spike noted, “Oh dang, and it’s in shorthand.”

Shorthand was important. Shorthand meant Cadance could spare NO time for formalities. Whatever was coming in was, indeed, a big deal, and Twilight had no warning before it arrived. She could already feel magic pinching her from the side like a glaring sunbeam, and she steeled herself for the worst.

There was a flash of bright light. There, in the shade of her castle, stood an alicorn as blue as the sky with wings black as night. Her mane was cut short, but her tail flowed long and rippling behind her. She was dressed in long white robes and gold jewelry and she-

Twilight checked.

And checked again.

And checked to make sure her friends were all looking, and they were, and they were just as stunned as she was.

She checked one more time.

He spoke. “Oh dear lord, you’re both horses as well…”

Kain groaned. “You have no idea...”

Raziel bounced up so happy, he nearly bucked. “JANOS!”

“Raziel! Oh thank heave-” Nearly meeting together in a nuzzle, Janos instead recoiled in horror as Raziel sprang forward and slammed directly into the point of his horn. “AAH!”

There was a flurry of movement. All of the girls sprung forward because Janos was scaring himself and rearing up, and Raziel was flinching too hard to see if he caught himself in the eye, and Kain kept trying to shove himself through the girls to get to Janos, and somewhere in the middle of it all Spike fell off Kain and needed picking up, then someone kicked the snowglobe and Twilight stubbed her hoof on it-

By the time the dust settled and everyone had calmed down, Twilight assessed things. Raziel hadn’t put his eyes out… at least any more than he already had. Spike was safely on Rainbow Dash’s back up in the air. Janos had apparently not had much time to get used to his new horn and kept his head high above everyone else’s, not out of pride but sheer fear. The snowglobe was cracked and the water had leaked. Everyone’s hooves were muddy now. Everyone just… stayed still. Waiting.

Twilight heaved a sigh of relief. “Okay. I think we’re good now.”

After a millisecond of hesitation, Rarity kicked Kain in the flank.

Hooves flying, dirt in the air, Twilight kicked the snowglobe AGAIN-

“OKAY that’s enough of that!” Twilight shoved everyone apart with magic. “We’re all ADULTS here- yes I know not you Spike- and we are all going to BEHAVE. LIKE ADULTS. Raz, are you okay?”

He swiped at his eyes with his foreleg. “Yes.”

“Rarity leave Kain alone.”

Rarity pouted, “Oh, fine.”

“Kain leave Fluttershy alone.”

Kain struggled in Twilight’s magical “grip.” “I haven’t DONE anything-!”

“KAIN LEAVE FLUTTERSHY ALONE. Mr. Janos, are you okay?”

Janos, who stood shivering at the far edge of the pony circle, only managed, “I-I’m so confused…”

She let him go first. “Introductions. I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle. This is Pinkie, Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike. You already know Kain and Raziel. Your name!”

Janos sa-

Raziel said, “Princess Janos.”

Kain laughed so hard Twilight could see his breath. Janos’ eyes went wide with dread, and what little main he had stood on end. “Excuse me?!”

“Princess Janos Audron, Raziel!” said Kain. “Show him proper respect!”

“NEW PRINCESS!” Pinkie cheered. “We’re gonna teach him how to Pony Wa-”

Kain snarled, “Don’t you DARE start that music again!”

Suddenly everyone was screaming. Away from the din of ponies shouting over each other, Twilight and Janos met eyes. Something in his gaze was so familiar. It reminded Twilight of when she first moved to Ponyville. The confusion, the fear, the dread, the overwhelming desire to be literally anywhere else…

“You,” she said. “You’re coming to the princess meeting with me.”

“Er…” Silently assessing whether to go with Twilight or stay with the semi-circle of ponies all trying to kick each other, Janos swallowed. “Yes please.”

There was no ghost walk. Instead there was a few minutes of quick planning, a few more minutes where Princess Janos caught up with Kain and Raziel, and then a teleportation spell to Canterlot to talk things out with Celestia, Luna, and Cadance. Everything felt like a mess, and for her own sake, Twilight hoped that the tentacle monster wasn’t up to anything. She just didn’t have the time to pay attention to it right now.

Chapter Text

Far away and immeasurably close to Equestria, a slimy essence slinked through the space between spaces. If it had a face, it would scowl. If it had fists, it would bear them to the heavens in fury! Instead its hatred roiled inside its indeterminate form. It loathed all things mortal. It despised the beings of man, whose feeble minds and frail forms were good for nothing but sustenance. It felt naught but disdain for the vampires and their progenitor race, whose fetid souls lay eternally locked inside foul immortal flesh. And now, above all else, it hated those infantile obnoxiously colorful ponies! How dare mere constructions- nay, assemblages of meat and bile lay their filthy limbs upon its divinely incorporeal form! It would find a space worthy of its presence, plant its tendrils deep, and bleed the last shreds of life out of their miserable reality!

It couldn’t let this rage cloud its judgment, however. It needed to plant itself cautiously. Its first foray into the material realm had been swiftly thwarted by that wretched wraith Raziel. The spirit realm was likewise unfit for its needs, as the ponies seemed to walk easily within both realms. It needed a place dark and unobtrusive, somewhere to quietly recuperate until it could strike at full force.

It laid one of its tendrils upon a sliver of unreality. The sliver hooked it tight and pulled it away within an instant. Once again, space had a left and right, a below and above, and above it was a twisted amalgamation of mortal parts and godlike essence.

“Oo, I hooked something! Lucky day for me!’ The corporation of shapes took its physical form into one of its claws, plucking it off of the fishign line which ensnared it. “Welcome to the Realm of Chaos, my fellow xenoform! Discord, you may call me, a he/him if you please.”

It was dropped unceremoniously into the vessel it had been retrieved from. The small glass aquarium was larger on the inside and filled with a simulacrum of a snowy mountain village. Water stayed within the vessel despite the crack running down the side. The liquid revivified it, but upon testing the glass walls, it found them pliant and unbreakble.

It was displeased. “HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO DIVINE MY PRESENCE?!”

The serpentine discord reclined into a chair. “Oh, please, like it’s hard. If I went slithering through your realm, I’m sure you would notice.”

Its multitudinous eyes were drowned in a tumult of color. The Realm of Chaos shifted constantly with shapes both solid and amorphous. Discord stood at the center of the vortex, its axle and anchor, with little concern for the whirling of matter. It recoiled from the incessant noise. This horrid place was so unlike the solitary and peaceful darkness of Nosgoth.

Discord snatched up a passing egg and cracked it against his horn. He languidly lapped at the brickwork within. “Well, am I getting your name? Or am I to be left in eternal suspense?”

It trembled with fury. “I AM BEYOND SIMPLE NOMENCLATURE! I AM THE EVER-TURNING WHEEL THAT SPINS SOULS INTO THEIR DESTINIES. I AM SINGULAR AND ETERNAL!”

Discord leveled a withering stare at it. “First time?”

The response was… unexpected. Its curiosity, however small, was piqued. “… IN WHAT WAY?”

Discord scooped up its entire vessel and held it aloft so he might whisper conspiratorially. “My dear little mollusk, I almost hate to be the one to burst that bubble, but I must: you are not unique.”

“LIES!”

“Truths, my aquatic-adjacent acquaintance! This might be your first trip out of the tide pool, but I assure you, there’s a great big wide ocean out there full of deities and divinities just like yourself. Or a little more! Or-” Discord’s voice dropped low and grave. “A little less.”

Doubts grew in its mind. These indulgent tales sounded like the “truths” it shared with mortals to convince them to do its bidding. That this Discord could claim as much did not make it so. It warned, “I AM NOT SO EASILY SWAYED BY MERE CLAIMS.”

Discord bared his one great fang in a wry smile. “And I applaud you for that! Really, I do!” He proved this by lifting his mismatched hind feed into the air and clapping them together. “A little burgeoning death god shouldn’t take strangers at face value. Which is why-”

Discord set its vessel upon a table, and within mere moments, they were both surrounded in base creature comforts. Discord had set them among thick cushions and wrapped its vessel in a self-warming blanket. A looking glass affixed itself to the sky and irised open to create a viewing portal.

“I have evidence! Now, Wheel- may I call you Wheel?”

The sensation of heat against its form was alien and uncomfortable. It bristled at the insinuation of familiarity. “I AM-”

“I’m going to call you Wheel. GAZE!” Discord snapped his claws, and the viewing portal sprung to life. “As I was saying, it’s not really the other gods you need to watch out for. It’s the demi-gods who cause the real trouble. Take the beefy one from your dimension, who’s suddenly getting friendly with the wingy one from mine. Behold, a scene unfolds in Ponyville…”

The scene unfolded in Ponyville as Twilight pulled Janos to her side. “Okay girls, off for the meeting! Spike, keep an eye on Kain!”

Spike leaped from Rainbow’s back and landed perfectly on Kain’s rump. He stood proud in dismount stance. “Roger!”

Kain, other than wiggling at bit at the impact, only quirked an eyebrow at Twilight. “And why is Raziel not included in that order?”

Twilight checked Raziel out of the corner of her eye. He and Pinkie were nominally “play fighting” but mostly just pawing at the other and chuckling.

“Because he can entertain himself. Okay, we’ll be back in three hours, PEACE!”

Janos began to speak, but Twilight teleported them away before the words could leave his mouth. Kain simply rolled his eyes and let his head hang.

“Well… drat! There go the plans for the evening…” Rarity pondered aloud. “We’re all gathered up, dressed in our best, and Twilight’s made off with the most handsome stallion in Equestria.”

The reaction passed in a shockwave. Pinkie Pie laughed so hard she dropped to the ground. Rainbow and Fluttershy’s suppressed giggles came out more like sneezes. Kain’s head and ears shot up in visible scandal, while Raziel and Spike deflated.

Only Applejack spoke. “Dang, girl! You just came right out and said it!”

Rarity’s ever-even tone broke into a feral growl. “How could I not?! Did you see him?! That neck! That muscle tone! Those long legs!!! I want to dress him up in all my best outfits!”

Rainbow recovered enough to quip. “You mean you want to take all your best outfits off of him!”

Rarity blushed through a face full of fur as the round of laughter started anew. Kain and Raziel checked the other’s faces to see that they weren’t hallucinating. The horses were being… inappropriate! And Kain could not hide his delight.

“What a development!” Kain grinned wide. “I assumed nothing occupied your thoughts but sweets and children’s games.”

“Aw, heck no! Applejack admitted. “Most o’ that’s just behavin’ in front of strangers and Spike.”

Spike displayed his dismay by dragging his claws down his eyes. “For once, I thought I was safe from the girl talk…”

“Let me warn you, as an immortal,” said Raziel. “Women’s gossip is a universal constant.”

Rarity bristled. “Oh like you boys aren’t just as bad!”

Kain puffed up proudly. “Worse.”

“Shoot, I think we might actually be friends now,” said Applejack. “How ‘bout we all go ‘round Sweet Apple Acres and chew the cud? You an’ Raz ever seen an apple plantation before?”

Raziel said plainly, “What’s an ‘apple’?”

Kain explained, “They are printed upon her rump.”

“Oh we’re fixin’ this right buckin’ now.” Applejack turned tail. “March out, everypony! We’re havin’ an apple tastin’ party!”

The ponies cheered, the vampires shared their uncertainty, the dragon suffered, and the deities watched form the comfort of a pocket dimension.

“See?” Discord laid some manner of yellow, salted offering before its vessel. “Our enemies are uniting.”

It begged to differ. “HARDLY. THE MORTALS SIMPLY AMUSE THEMSELVES WITH IDLE PLEASANTRIES. SUCH MACHINATIONS HAVE NO BEARING UPON THE DIVINE.”

“Are you so sure?” Discord warned. “For it’s not just these ponies and your golden boy, it’s also the magical elite. Let’s change the channel…”

The viewing portal slide through space and time to a new scene, with new ponies that it had not laid its eyes upon. All of them stood tall and proud, awash with the power of divinity, but only one of them openly wept.

Princess Celestia hosted this impromptu visit not in the Royal Audience Chamber, but in her reading room. It was small, rather cluttered with novellas, and lit by a massive hearth. It was also private. Sound could not escape its walls, and it had no door. Here, she and the other princesses could treat their flustered visitor with the care he needed.

“Easy, Mr. Audron, easy…” Twilight pulled a cushion over to the table while Cadance offered him a tissue. “Come sit down. Take deep breaths…”

Janos was not entirely new to his magic. He took the offered tissues and blindly dabbed at his eyes with perfect precision, but dropped it as soon as he saw “nothing” holding it up. Either way, he was in no state to dwell on such things. His tears hadn’t stopped form the moment he came into the room and laid eyes on the Princesses of Equestria.

“I cannot begin to explain…” Unused to his body, Janos fell onto his cushion haunches-first and based his forelegs into the tabletop. “It has been millennia since I have been in a room with beings who look like me…”

“I know the feeling well,” Luna assured him. “Take comfort in our unity, even if it is only temporary. But there is much to discuss. Please, start from the beginning.”

At this, Discord balked. He hurried through time with an affronted groan and a tap at his controller. “Eugh! Let’s skip the exposition, shall we?”

It was fine with this. “AGREED.”

As time resumed normal flow, Janos came to the most important segment of his summary. “- in Nosgoth. If the false god is here, Kain is the only being living and dead who can subdue it. And yet, by your accounts, he holds no power.”

“He can barely hold himself upright!” Twilight confirmed before catching herself. “No offense. But yeah, he hasn’t shown any magic ability yet.”

“It makes no sense to me…” Janos, for a lack of hands to wring, fiddled with the gold collar about his neck. “Kain is the Scion of Balance and the regent of the Pillars of Nosgoth. He holds at least a sliver of all the forces that bind our world together.”

Celestia mused. “Perhaps he does. But Conflict and Death hold no power in Equestria. The are simply inevitable facets of reality. Nature is all around us, and our minds are within us. What gives us power are the choices we make. When we decide to be loyal, honest, and kind...”

Janos picked up the rest of the trailing thought, but it seemed to bring him no pleasure. He hung his head. “Such decisions are… uncommon in Nosgoth…”

Discord slithered alongside its container. “Your tentacliwork, I take it?”

It felt a swelling of pride at its core. Discord had guessed correctly, and knowing a truly intelligent being had comprehended its great machinations was gratifying. It allowed itself a chance to boast. “IT WAS NOTHING TO CONVINCE THE VAMPIRES OF SUCH CONCEPTS. TO THEIR NARCISSISTIC MINDS, MAYHEM AND DISTRUST WERE INEVITABLE. IT TOOK ONLY A FEW HONEYED WORDS TO CONDEMNED MY PRIMARY FOOD SOURCE TO AN ETERNITY OF SELF-SUSTAINING WAR.”

“Which part tastes the best?” asked the tittering gleeful Discord. “The wings? The breasts? The thighs?”

It hungered at the mere thought. “THE SOULS.”

Upon the viewing portal, Cadance wondered aloud. “But… that raises the question. It’s not hard to be honest or generous. What if Kain-?”

“Kain’s heart has been hardened by a lifetime of madness and strife.” Janos mourned as if the revelation was a fresh wound. “There are faint echoes there, shadows burned onto the walls of his soul that act like emotions. He might call his possessiveness of Raziel love for his son, or the covetous desire for Nosgoth responsibility, but I have born witness to the cruelty he is capable of. What you describe, what you ask… it is nothing short of impossible.”

The ponies only smiled.

Janos recoiled, tucking himself into his wings. “What… is happening…?”

Uneasiness settled over its form. Something in the equines’ eyes spoke of a secret knowledge. They had to be bluffing, so as to intimidate the lone vampire. What could be known by this carriage team that escaped its all-knowing mind?

“Don’t be so sure of that,” was all Celestia would say. “Let us tell you of-”

Discord closed the viewing portal temporarily. He loomed over its vessel, all of his previous mirth replaced by a low simmering anger. “Let me tell you of the previous god of chaos, my sinister cephalopod. How he could twist the borders of reality into Gordian knots, and invert the seams that bound truth and lies to rip and sew as he saw fit. His power was vast and unlimited… and yet he was brought low.”

It did not take clever thinking to draw the correct conclusion. It quivered in its container, chilled by the very thought of such nonsense. “IT CANNOT BE. HE WAS FELLED-?”

Discord snapped his fingers, and the viewing portal was once again honed in on the chaos god’s murderers. “By these ponies.”

Said ponies had gathered in Applejack’s family garden. Separate from the apple plantation and close to the homestead, it grew the vegetables and scattered cereal grains that the Apple family consumed on a regular basis. Half of the herd had scattered through the patches to paw at the soil and search for beetles, while the portal focused on the assembled equines at the tasting table: Applejack, Kain, Raziel, Spike, and-

“-my baby sister, Apple Bloom!” Applejack bragged.

“Don’t call me yer ‘baby’ sister!” The little filly fussed. “I got a Cutie Mark now an’ everythin’!”

Kain dropped his head onto Raziel’s shoulder and groaned. Raziel noticeably stiffened at the gesture, keeping his gaze out into the middle distance. “It’s all twee puns...”

The motion seemed to escape the Apple siblings, but Spike saw Raziel’s discomfort and gently pulled Kain’s attention away. “But hey, at least the apple food will be good! I can vouch for that personally! No puns!”

“Get yourself whatever you like! Sorry it’s mostly leftovers,” Applejack warned. “I promise next time y’all come over, we’ll bake it fresh. There’s apple pie, apple cobbler, apple jam n’ biscuits, apple bread-”

Kain was already tiring of the bumper crop. “Do you ever exhaust yourself of the flavor of apples?”

Applejack stood tall. “Nnnope. I got pride o’ product.”

Raziel sniffed at the offerings through his cloak. Spike and the tiny Apple Bloom both took note of the odd gesture, but said nothing. “Kain protests too much. They have a lovely scent, and you should be proud.”

“Thank ya, mister.” Apple Bloom nudged a cold glass of apple juice towards him. “Y’know, I bet you’d like a baked apple. If you wanna, I can stoke up the woodstove and cook y’ one right quick?”

Raziel hooked his foreleg around his snout for just a moment, securing his cloak tighter about his face. “That won’t be necessary, young one. Thank you.”

Even knowing what it had been told, the idea that these inconsequential beasts had the power to topple a god strained belief. Still, if the possibility was there even in the slightest, it had to take steps. “TO SECURE MY HOLD IN THIS REALM, I MUST DESTROY THOSE WHO WOULD OPPOSE ME.”

“It’s hardly your realm to take a hold in,” Discord warned. “Yet. But I’ll grant you a challenge. The most dangerous thing that your golden boy could do is ally with the ponies. I will grant you a single action. Do one single thing- no deaths, no natural disasters- that will end any alliance before it even begins.”

Discord had chosen his challenge well. It had nourished itself for millennia creating strife between races. It had only to remind the disparate beings below that the unity present at the garden table was, as Luna had so simply put it, temporary. The differences between their kind would not be so easily bridged once they were laid out plainly. Thus, it reached its influence out into the mortal realm and…

Raziel tossed his head. His neck itched. The ruffle of his cloak against his skin wasn’t enough to dispel the faint tickle. He reached for his neck out of habit, only to find his forelegs couldn’t bend that way. To his shame, he let instinct take over, and he scratched at his neck with the tip of his back foot.

A gust of wind caught his cloak from below.

He was suddenly blinded. To his horror, he felt the wind upon his palate. As he struggled to pull his cloak back down, he heard the women at the table gasp and a crash of cutlery as they hurried away from their seats. It was too late. As he drew the cover back over his mangled, missing jaw, he beheld the horrified eyes of not just the Apple siblings, but the other ponies in the garden, their attention drawn by the sudden ruckus. Only Kain stood steady at his side, his eyes darkened with pity… and Spike the dragon, who hadn’t left Kain’s back, although his teeth were gnashed in a conflicted set of emotions.

“THERE.” It sat satisfied and smug. “THE ALLIANCE IS-”

Discord sadly shook his head and pointed back to the viewing portal.

“Well… I guess maybe not a baked apple then…” Apple Bloom shuffled on her forelegs a moment. “… what about apple tea?”

Raziel didn’t know how to answer. His body was frozen with fear and responding slowly. “… pardon?”

“It…” She cleared her little throat, and spoke gently. “It smells real nice. I thought since it seems like you really like how things smell, the apple tea would be strong enough to smell through your mask. So you could enjoy the apples with us and not feel left out…”

“Y-yeah! That’s a great idea!” Spike perked up. His smile pinched at the edges, slightly forced, but not out of malice. His own body was slowly recovering from the shot of adrenaline. “I’ll drink an apple tea too!”

At this, Applejack chuckled. “Aw, Spike, you don’t even like tea. How about we pop open a bottle of light cider for you instead?”

Fluttershy cautiously approached the table. “Maybe a mulled cider with cinnamon?”

Rainbow dropped out of the air and settled in right at Raziel’s side. “Hey, if my buddy’s getting mulled cider, so am I!”

“I want hard cider! Straight and piping hot in a HUGE cider stein!” Pinkie Pie bounced all the way up to the table. “And a nice hot toddy for Razi- Raziel?”

Raziel nearly froze, unsure why he was once again the center of attention until he blinked and felt water run down his cheeks. His legs quivered. His skin was flushed and prickling as if he was boiling alive, and yet the tears flowed freely. He couldn’t bear to look the others in the eyes. “I need a moment…”

“Take it,” Kain assured him. Kain’s own voice was rough with an emotion Raziel couldn’t place. “We will stay here.”

Raziel sunk to his knees and disappeared from sight. The ponies gasped and sniffed at the spot where he once stood. Spike was the one to ask. “Where’d he go?”

“He is recuperating in the Spirit Realm.” Kain kept his tone even, even if by force. Spike could almost feel the effort it took to maintain his calm; it was a quiver that ran through the thick cords of muscle along his back. “I am not sure whether the lot of you forget this fact, or choose to ignore it, but Raziel and I are both dead. We have been dead for thousands of years. We are not of your kind.”

“… it doesn’t come up much, no.” Rarity could admit to that.

Rainbow Dash nodded. “I try to act like it doesn’t matter, but… yeah, being able to see his ribs and his spine creeps me out a little.”

“If I could speak on everyone’s behalf…” Fluttershy ventured. “I think it’s less that we’re actively trying to ignore it so much as it’s a part of the both of you that can’t really be helped. But just like anything else, the fact that there’s something different about you doesn’t mean that you should be excluded. Being kind is the least we can do. So as long as you’re here, and as long as you consider us friends, we consider you friends too.”

Fluttershy capped off her little monologue with a smile, and the other ponies nodded in quiet agreement.

Kain was stunned to silence, as was the small god in the alternate reality.

“See?” Discord turned off the view portal. “You will not find these beings as easily manipulated as the people of Nosgoth.”

Outside of the gods’ watchful eyes, Raziel returned to the material realm. He had shed his tears and regained his composure. “I apologize for my display.”

Rainbow Dash waved away the thought. “Hey, we all get a little weepy sometimes. Even cool ponies like me. So you want the mulled cider or not?”

Raziel felt the prickle of tears threatening to begin anew and wiped at his eyes again. “I will take anything you offer me.”

So the night continued, the drinks flowing and not quite being finished in turn. Applejack’s grandmother and older brother joined the rest at the table. They brought Raziel samplings of cut flowers and cooked meals and perfumes to please his nose. Twilight returned with Janos in tow at some point, and the ponies eventually settled into comfortable chairs around the wood stove to soak in the heat and share chitchat. Only the youngest children, Spike and Apple Bloom, started to nod their weary heads as the moon rose high.

While the ponies stayed distracted, Kain took in the sight of Apple Bloom slumped over the hard wooden table in a dead sleep and found it unacceptable. Even if she were not a ‘baby’, as she so insisted, his fangs still fit around her neck easily enough for him to lift her and carry her off by her scruff. He set her down on a cushioned seat. With a delicate twist of his long neck, he plucked the sleeping Spike off his back and did the same. He weighed his options. The idea that vampires could not enter houses uninvited was pure malarkey, spread by his kindred to give the humans a false sense of security. That said, he would not enter the Apple family’s abode uninvited simply because it would be rude. The ponies were distracted by Raziel and Janos, who were both at ease and enjoying themselves.

Raziel deserved to be treated well. He needed this kindness. But the children were cold. The quiet and cushioned bed was well away from the fire.

Unacceptable.

With a quick twist of his brooch pin, Kain freed the cape from his shoulder and draped it over the sleeping children as a blanket. After a moment of pondering, he tucked in the edges so they might be warm.

He surveyed his handiwork with quiet pride. This, he decided, was acceptable.

Spike stirred in his sleep and comfortably settled in. “Than’ you..”

Kain smiled. “It is the least I can do.”

Light shined on the children, light so powerful and multicolored it cast a tumult of shadows in every direction. Kain startled backwards and missed the ground, finding his feet in the air as a surge of power lifted him bodily into the air. His vision whited out to a shining void. Outside of his body, the ponies shouted and cheered, but with joy.

“I know this! I KNOW THIS!” Twilight cheered. “POWER OF FRIENDSHIP! YEEES!!!”

His last thought before the power flowed through him was that he might wake the children.

Then the air around him roared like a thunderclap, and Kain fell to the earth awash with energy. He had indeed awoken the children, not to mention nearly flattened the garden and broken at least one window of the homestead. The ground was covered in scattered fallen apples and scattered fallen ponies and a few of Janos’ feathers.

Yet none of the ponies seemed upset. Indeed, Twilight rushed forward and held his head in her hooves. “KAIN! Do you know what that was?!”

He was familiar with the sensation of forcefully being infused with foreign magic, but never had he felt it so intensely. He ventured a guess. “I have gained something powerful.”

“You ABSOLUTELY did!” Twilight freed his face and instead prodded his flank. “Check your Cutie Mark!”

“I don’t have a-”

Dread settled in his stomach. He cast a glance at his haunch and saw the accursed mark. The symbol of Balance, printed there on his leg in a bright lavender, stood out against his golden skin.

His heart sunk. “Oh god…”

Twilight’s grin reached from ear to ear. “I am going to run SO MANY TESTS on you!”

“AFTER you clean up the mess y’all made o’ my garden!” Applejack amended. “Thank you VERY much.”

Twilight trotted off, collecting scattered veg and fruit with her magic. “Gimme forty-five minutes!”

Kain wished that he wasn’t nocturnal in this moment. Still, he had… contributed a bit to this mess. He could do something about it. He eyed a stray flower and instinctively reached out for it.

It glowed a tarnished gold and fluttered towards him.

“Ah.” Kain approved. “That’s where that went.”

Chapter Text

Everyone woke up the following morning very tired. Twilight did not, in fact, run any tests on Kain. She drank a lot fo tea, told Kain that she and the other mares needed to get back to work, and gave him two options. He could sleep, or he could shadow one of the women while Twilight went about her duties. Raziel and Janos had chosen sleep. Kain weighed the options. He could be awake among the living, or awake among the dead at night. Either way, he would receive no time to himself.

Before he could decide, Rarity knocked upon Twilight’s door and requested him herself.

Thus, Kain and his ghostly counterpart Ariel found themselves at the Carousel Boutique. Ariel was immediately enchanted by the colors and fabrics, and ran about- floated about the salon gaily taking in the various dresses both finished and under construction. Rarity moved about the bolts of cloth as if she had been born there, and even with the sleep deprivation, she never so much as nicked a stray needle.

Kain’s only question, as well as his general mood for the last few days, was a simple “Why.”

“A vast multitude of reasons, darling!” Rarity flitted about with an affected pep in her step. The bags under her eyes betrayed her lack of sleep. Kain could faintly smell lingering hints of hard cider coming off her breath, despite the heavy dentifrice she had used to cover it. “Firstly: I haven’t a doubt in my mind that what you experienced last night was the spirit of Generosity!”

Ariel, unheard by Rarity, scoffed at the notion. Kain was hardly convinced himself.

“Your element, I remember.”

Rarity tossed her mane in triumph. “Not to mention your Cutie Mark is my color now.”

The frustratingly loud Balance Emblem on his legs was indeed the same color as Rarity’s mane. Kain couldn’t help but snarl at it. “This had better wash out.”

“A generous heart is colorfast! Secondly: since you have already proven your capacity to give of yourself, I am reasonably confident you will not explode today.”

That got a sincere chuckle out of Kain and Ariel both. Rarity took a moment to use Kain’s back as a shelving unit, draping him with swaths of linen. “Thirdly: Twilight is trying to be coy about it, but she does want you to make a few friends and unlock the rest of your magical ability. Think about it. You have one little power surge-”

“-matching an Element of Harmony, so surely more must follow.” Kain acquiesced to this logic. “I’m familiar with the pattern.”

He glared at Ariel. She flipped him the fingers. The vulgar gesture nearly startled him; it took effort to school his expression back to neutral. Rarity seemed to suspect nothing.

“Lastly, as indelicate as it is to say, I couldn’t imagine you doing farm work, or rehabilitating animals, or catering, to say nothing of being a Wonderbolt!” Rarity pulled a mannequin out of storage and began dressing it. “I assumed here, you could at least nap on the deadstock.”

Kain tested his telekinesis by picking up a pincushion. Affronted by the idea that he would simply be around and not useful in any capacity, he let his tongue slip. “I know how to sew.”

“… you do?” Rarity seemed skeptical. “How did- oh, right. You had hands.”

He was so sick of this place. Of course he had hands! Who did this horse think he was? How often did he have to remind them that he was a vampire? With a snap of his neck, he tossed all of the loose cloth off of his spine. “How does one sew without hands?? With one’s mouth?”

“Oh heavens no! I tried once, and I was terrible at it.” Rarity took her pincushion back with her own telekinesis. “I have magic! Which, as a warning, perhaps you should refrain from using it while I have clients over. You’d be trapped explaining yourself to gossipy ladies for hours.”

He shuddered with visceral horror at the thought.

“Thankfully I only have one client for a final fitting today: Mrs. Climbing Rose. She’s a dear thing, very timid and very elderly. She and her husband Rambler Rose are renewing their vows and she asked- Oh! There she is!” Rarity waved to the tiny little horse coming through the entrance. “Mrs. Rose, good morning!”

Everywhere he went, there were more ponies. Climbing Rose was a faded sort of pink, not like the loud one but more like a set of curtains that had been left in the sun too long. Her mane, tied back into a plait, had long since gone silver, and the lines across her face spoke of many a season. Kain could see how, in her younger years, she would have been beautifu- She was a horse. Kain had never wished for his hands back so strongly that he might slap himself across the face. What was wrong with him?!

“Good morning, Rarity. Sorry to disturb your other cli- oh. Oh.” Climbing Rose’s eyes fell on him. Her lips split in a subtle, satisfied smile. “Actually, never mind. He can stick around.”

Thousands of years of rule. Mental fortitude the likes of which mortal minds could not comprehend. The horrors of war and famine that played behind his eyes whenever he dared sleep. These were the tools he needed in that moment to keep from cracking up between Rarity’s shocked gasp and Ariel’s disgusted retch behind him. He took solace in the fact that nothing was wrong with him, surely. The mind was a plaything of the body, after all, and while his body was a horse, it could not be helped what he found beautiful.

But something was definitely wrong with this horse.

“AH-HE-Hem-hrm!!!” Rarity cleared her throat a bit too loud and stamped the floor “on accident”. “How terribly rude of me! Mrs. Climbing Rose, meet my assistant for the day, Mr. Kain.”

Oh he would have fun today. He dropped his voice into his bedroom register. “A pleasure to meet you.”

He had spent a long while cultivating his voice over the years, partly out of necessity but mostly out of delight after he learned of its effects on certain peoples. Seeing all three women shiver in turn filled him with sadistic joy. “Sleeping on the deadstock” indeed. He sauntered up to the petite little woman and offered his foreleg. “If you will step this way, I’m sure we can help you with whatever you desire.”

Climbing Rose slipped into his side effortlessly. “I should hope so, my good sir. My list of desires has grown today-”

Rarity shoved herself between the two with enough force to muss her mane. “THE GOWN. I haven’t gotten the gown out!! Mrs. Rose if you’ll step this way, please thank you very much!”

Rarity bodily hauled Rose to the next room. Kain waited until the two were occupied, then threw his face into a pile of cloth and laughed until his ribs hurt.

Ariel shrieked into his ear. “That is a PONY!!! That is an OLD WOMAN PONY! What are you DOING?!”

He put on his best ‘Rarity’. “Firstly: I am enjoying myself.”

“Why are you even- just-” Bereft of her usual prose, Ariel pulled at her hair in frustration. “Just why?! Just why??? With the voice?!”

“Well they seemed to like it,” said Kain.

“That isn’t the point and you know it-!”

Climbing Rose’s head peeked out of the fitting room. “Oh, sir, if you could-”

“NO.” Rarity’s head and purple magic jutted out right after her and pulled Climbing Rose back. “NO HE COULD NOT. NOW GET IN THE BUSTIER.”

Ariel could not have looked more mortified. “What is a horse doing in a bustier??”

He might never get this opportunity again. Kain corrected, “Pony.”

“Shut UP you BAS-”

“Oh but he has stallion strength!” Climbing Rose’s head popped out from the curtains again. “I’m sure he could get the laces nice and tight-”

Looking even more frazzled and weighed down with pins, Rarity burst from the curtains to block Rose’s view of Kain. “You will find I’m perfectly capable of doing your tight lacing, ma’am!”

“Oh what’s the harm?” Kain piped up. Oh, this was fun. It was like she was doing this all on purpose. “Who’s to say she doesn’t enjoy being bound up tightly in silks and satin by rugged older men?”

Rarity went red. “Excuse me, sir!”

Climbing Rose went red, but not with embarrassment. “Oh you understand perfectly…”

Rarity went redder. “EXCUSE ME, MA’AM.”

Climbing Rose stepped out from the dressing room. Her gown was a dark rose red, accented with black lace and silk trim befitting a vampire of Vorador’s court. Even Ariel made an appreciative little gasp at the sight. The only stitch out of place was indeed the lacing along the back of the waist cincher, which was to be tied at the back in what Kain assumed to be a fanciful bow. Climbing Rose was not subtle about stretching and posing herself for Kain’s viewing pleasure. “Oh Rarity, let a sad old mare have her fun. It’s not often I get to see stallions my age in his kind of shape.”

If only-

Ariel huffed. “If only she knew your original shape.”

That was going to be his quip, and Ariel stole it from the depths of his mind. She would be scolded for that, once Kain could do so privately. Instead, Kain held his head high and came around Climbing Rose’s side to take up the laces in his mouth and pull them tight.

Rarity was right on his other side in an instant. “Mr. Kain. We must be-”

Professional she meant, surely. Hands-off, perhaps? Or in a pony’s case, ‘mouth’ off. Kain simply met her eyes and, once in Climbing Rose’s blind spot, lifted the nearest thing (scissors) with his magic and “no-no-no” waved them at Rarity. He remembered exactly what she had said; “no magic in front of customers”. This was the pony way, wasn’t it?

Rarity was turning so many shades of infuriated today.

“Oooh-hooo Mr. Kain, you’re so strong…” Climbing Rose fidgeted on her hooves. “But I believe that’s tight enough…”

Which likely meant he’d gone a bit too far. Kain loosened his grip on the laces, letting Rarity adjust them so the poor mare could actually breathe and tie the final bow. Climbing Rose pouted. “Oh… I’d hoped to see your knot-tying skills at work, sir.”

Kain was so massive he could lean fully over her back and speak directly into her ear. “There will always be time for that later.”

Climbing Rose flipped her tail up just enough to bat at Kain’s forelegs. “I’ll hold you to it.”

“Oh my GOD!” Ariel finally cracked. She spoke half in disbelieving laughter. “She’s- she’s incorrigible! Isn’t she renewing her vows?! Dear LORD! Her poor husband!!! And all over you-!!”

Rarity must have shared the sentiment, for she coughed again and put on her best customer smile. “There we are! That’s your new, custom, VOW RENEWAL GOWN all set to go! Any more alterations before you head out for the CEREMONY??”

That was today?? The final fitting was before she went to the ceremony?? Kain couldn’t help but smirk. How horrible!! Pity her poor husband indeed! Not that he minded too terribly, he didn’t know the man- horse, after all.

“Oh no! Everything is absolutely wonderful! I transferred the bits to your account earlier today. But…” Climbing Rose slid back over to Kain. “I do have a few questions. Is there a Mrs. Cane?”

He could hear the slight change of inflection that meant they were getting his name wrong, but he let it slide today. “No, my dear, there isn’t.”

Rarity was going to pull out her own mane at this rate. “But there IS a Mr. Rose!! And he is WAITING FOR YOU! AT THE PARK!”

“Oh, that’s all right…” Kain softly licked the back of Climbing Rose’s ear. “He can watch.”

What followed was the swiftest, hardest back-foot kick to the jaw Kain had ever received in his life, not from Rarity but from Climbing Rose. It knocked him clear to the ground. The sound of his own body hitting the floor echoed back to him from the boutique walls, and in a daze, he looked up into the infuriated face of Climbing Rose.

“How DARE you! My husband is a GOOD pony! You think I want to break his heart?! We’ve been married for ninety years! You leave him OUT of this!” She turned and trotted right out of the store. “Honestly, the nerve of some stallions!”

There was blessed, if awkward, silence as Rarity pulled Kain back to his feet. Together the three of them- Rarity, Kain, and Ariel- watched as Climbing Rose cantered off to her vow renewal ceremony. He didn’t know what to say. Nobody did, for a while.

Rarity spoke first. “Well, at least the dress was paid off.”

He broke. All of this was so absurd, he couldn’t bear it, but egad it was fun. He laughed, and in laughing at himself, Rarity and Ariel laughed along with him. He couldn’t wait to tell Raziel all about it when he returned to the castle. He could already picture the scandalized look on Janos’ face as he recounted the scandalous details, and the idea of it only made him laugh harder.

He kept laughing as his hooves left the ground.

“NO KAIN NO NOT MY BOUTIQUE-”

Twilight woke up from a dead sleep at her desk to the sound of an explosion somewhere in Ponyville. “… … well, at least the plan’s working. Spike, wake up! We’re going to Rarity’s. Bring a dustpan…”

Chapter Text

It was somewhere past midnight, again, when the five of them returned to the castle. Twilight marched through the front door without so much as looking at the coterie behind her. She wore her frustrations on her sleeve today. “’A great opportunity,’ he says. ‘Get everything sorted by color’, he says.”

Kain, aggrieved, stood up for himself. “How was I to know she had thirty different words for the color ‘blue’?”

“To say nothing of green…” Janos added. He waited until Raziel and Spike were in to shut the door behind them. The vampire triad was exhausted, less physically than mentally by Rarity’s rigid standards of artistic vision and organizational logic. “We didn’t even have a word for ‘green’ when I was a boy, it was just all ‘blue’…”

Spike staggered forward blindly until he walked right into the back of Raziel’s leg. “So… many… spools...”

Twilight finally turned so she could vent her spleen upon them properly. “Well I hope you’re satisfied! That’s two all-night cleanups in a row now! Whatever weird vampire power you unlocked had better have been worth it!”

A flicker of fang flashed from between Kain’s lips before he contemplated. “… let’s find out.”

“Wha-?”

He looked Twilight in the eyes. “Sleep.”

Twilight swayed, then dropped her head to her knees and snored.

It spoke volumes of the trust he had built up with the dragon that he only casually looked over to check on his guardian. “How’d’you do that?”

“Just a ‘weird vampire power’,” Kain explained. He telekinetically lifted Twilight over his back and laid her across his spine. “Guide me to her bedroom, would you?”

Spike climbed up his back leg instead. “Up those right stairs, door’s unlocked, third on the right.”

And with that, the scribe curled up on Twilight’s back and fell asleep.

Janos chuckled. “The Musicians of Bremen.”

“We’re one short of the full stack,” Kain corrected.

The silent Raziel spoke up. “Nonsense. You pull double duty as both the ass and the cock.”

Janos wheezed with laughter. Kain, had he not been balancing two purple creatures on his back, would have smacked his childe for insubordination. He could only scowl. “Yes, you’re very clever. Now to bed with you.”

The night passed without fuss. The morning sun broke over the horizon.

Rainbow Dash knocked on Twilight’s door, but Kain answered. He looked rested. She shrugged. “’Sup, big guy? Raz awake?”

Kain, unimpressed, stared at her. “I demand a proper greeting if you wish for a proper response.”

Pinkie Pie hopped out from behind Rainbow Dash. “GrrrrrrrrREETINGS, my lord Kain, King of all Vampires, on this most GLORIOUS of mornings! We wish to entertain the company of your son, Raziel!”

“… I stand corrected.” Kain looked back to Rainbow Dash. “Do it again.”

Overall, Rainbow felt proud. “’Sup, big guy? Raz awake?”

“No. Go wake him.”

“WAHOOO!” Pinkie Pie bounded into the castle first. “More vampire adventures!”

Rainbow hung back to chat with Kain. They walked together. “Heard you explode again.”

Kain took so few steps compared to her, it was almost like he moved in slow motion. “The gossip mill at work?”

“No, I literally heard you explode.”

Pinkie Pie bounced back over to flank Kain’s other side. “Gotta pay attention to those verb conjugations, Kain!”

Kain made a face like Pinkie’s words had broken into gobbledygook. “… to the what??”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rainbow assured him. “Where’s Twi?”

“Sleeping away her worries. The dragon will wake her once he’s rested enough.”

While Kain had a room to himself, Raziel seemed to have claimed the whiny lady long chair couch (“chaisse lounge” said the Rarity in her head) for himself. He lay curled up with his back to them, nose to butt like a dog, while Princess Janos sat at a side table drinking a cup of tea. At the sight of her, Pinkie, and Kain, Janos put his cup down and pulled his lips taut.

Complete and utter silence. Rainbow felt a thrill travel down her spine and out to the tips of her wings.

Perfect.

Pinkie caught the mood too and ducked down into a stalk. Head low, footfalls soft, she inched towards Raziel’s unassuming body without making a sound. Rainbow swept out in the other direction to cut off his escape route if he tried to bolt. Every inch of her legs was taut and ready, eager to run. Kain stood back, his face a mask but his gaze intense. Princess Janos watched in stoic disinterest.

Pinkie had him within reach. With a shared glance, the two of them shifted their weight, wiggled their rumps, and pounced-

-right as Raziel whipped around and caught them both in his forelegs.

Kain and Janos howled with laughter. Raziel mashed his upper teeth into their necks, but without a lower jaw, he literally had no bite. Just the act seemed to put him at ease, though, and he let them go without so much as a giggle. “Awful. Awful! I was tracking you with my ears the entire time! How did neither of y ou notice?!”

“ I noticed!” said Pinkie Pie. “I just didn’t care! I wanted to jump on you either way !”

Rainbow, embarrassingly, had not noticed. “ But Kain said you were asleep!”

“And you took me at my word? I’m a vampire!” Kain argued. “I lured the two of you into a room with more vampires! If we weren’t the picture of sacred hospitality, the two of you would be dead right now!”

Janos cleared his throat. “To be clear, I would not have killed you.”

Raziel was quick to add, “Janos does not represent the opinions or attitudes of most vampires.”

“ Oh, give it up!” Rainbow shook the mortification off her and fluffed her wings out. “So I didn’t learn how to stalk vampires in school! Sue me!”

“ School?” Raziel cocked his head. “I thought horses moved in herds.”

“Ponies,” Janos corrected.

That only made Raziel’s head tilt even farther. “Then ponies move in schools and horses move in herds?”

Pinkie pondered. “Sooo what’s the word for a big group of vampires?”

“A clan,” said Raziel.

“A family,” said Janos.

“Too many,” said Kain.

“ Hang on, backtracking half a minute,” Rainbow cut in. “You do know I meant school- school ? Not, like, ‘a school’ like fish?”

She got a blank stare for her effort. Even Kain and Janos seemed confused, and only Pinkie met her gaze with a sort of wild realization.

“ Oh, wow!” Pinkie hopped up and trotted in place. “This is so old-timey and different! Let’s do a story-go-round! How did everyone here learn to read??”

Janos pushed his teacup aside so he could converse properly. “The elders in the church taught me when I was dedicated to the service. You mean to tell me everyone in this room is literate? ”

“My brothers and I were tutored by our governess,” Kain explained. “This is well before I was a vampire, mind you.”

Raziel noted, “I’m not fluent in the written word. I can recognize a few, such as my name, but the rest is alien to me.”

Rainbow felt like the only sane pony in a room of crazies once it got around to her turn. They got taught by private tutors? Janos was surprised by the idea non-church ponies could read? Raziel didn’t even know how?! She had never before been so weirdly gratified to just say “I went to school! Like a normal pony! You’re telling me none of you have ever gone to school ?? A big room where a teacher teaches everyone inside the same skills at the same time??”

The silence spoke volumes. All the vampires looked at each other to gauge the other’s responses before Janos spoke up, super confused. “What a strange institution…”

“ No wonder Kain didn’t know what a verb conjugation was…” said Rainbow.

The floor rumbled. The air prickled with magical energy. Pinkie Pie shuddered in her spot and whispered “She’s heeere…” before Twilight’s door burst open in a shower of purple magic. Twilight didn’t run or fall down the stairs so much as hover into the room within a second and a half, electric-charged and vibrating with alarm. She grabbed Kain bodily by the face and wailed right into his snout.

“YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO SCHOOL!?”

Kain hadn’t felt this intimidated by a small horse since yesterday. “How are you awake?!”

Before the school bell rang that morning, Ponyville Schoolhouse had three new students.

(“NnnNNNOOOOOO!!!” Rainbow Dash stomped outside the school window. “TWILIGHT, NOOOO! You’ll RUIN them!!!”)

(“This does seem a little… what’s a good word…?” Pinkie searched for the most delicate option. It was a rare occasion where her worries were clearly visible, much less articulated. “A little too… ‘normalize-y’?”)

(“Exactly! If Kain and the others can experience a day of normal Ponyville life, maybe they start acting like normal ponies and stop exploding in the middle of town!” Twilight trilled with joy. “It’s the perfect plan!”)

(Rainbow had doubts. “Maybe you do need to go back to bed…”)

(Ariel, unseen by the other ponies, hid herself away in the schoolhouse ceiling to watch the inevitable chaos unfold.)

Well, it wasn’t like they had been forced. Upon hearing Twilight extol the virtues of school and mass education, Janos was eager to leap in and experience it for himself. A man of letters and lover of fine books himself, he relished the opportunity to see how the common man- pony used knowledge once considered sacrosanct. He agreed first.

Raziel got a gleam in his eyes as Janos spoke. He agreed to join Janos, although with a sarcastic edge to his tone that suggested he would quickly make a mess of things.

Kain, by all accounts, stubbornly refused to be put in a room with the children until both of his comrades agreed to the conditions without a moment’s hesitation. He left with them, without a fuss, and found himself in a room with the children. The idea of being left alone with the horses while his comrades were off… somewhere else was sincerely dreadful.

This must have been what a ‘herding instinct’ was. The mind was a plaything of the body.

And thus, the Ponyville Schoolhouse.

“Oh, today is going to be a special day!” The instructor pony wrote a series of glyphs upon a slate before addressing the class. Indeed, she wrote with her mouth. “There we go. Good morning, class!”

The class, an embarrassment of round-headed doe-eyed foals, spoke in unison. “Good morning, Miss Cheerilee!”

“And everyone, I’d like to introduce our very special guests for today! They are from a faraway kingdom called Nosgoth, where they don’t have school like we do! Say hello to our very big students: Kain.”

Kain flinched from his station at the back of the class. He couldn’t fathom what must have been going through all of the children’s little minds as they stared at him. He only knew that he already felt tall among the ponies, and now that all of the furniture was smaller still, he felt positively Brobdingnagian. Silence had overtaken the room, and the instructor Cheerilee was looking at him expectantly. Checking his periphery, he saw Janos and Raziel nodding, encouraging him to speak. Janos wore a smile bright enough to light the room. Raziel’s eyes spoke of his smug satisfaction with events more than his mouth ever could.

“… a’hm…” Kain lowered his voice to an appropriate level. “Greetings.”

Cheerilee smiled in approval. “Thank you! And Raziel…”

Raziel bowed his head politely. “Likewise.”

“And Princess Janos Audron!”

Oh the way Janos’ pleased grin dropped in an instant was nearly worth it. Kain bit his lip to stop from laughing.

“Er…” Janos, a bit deflated, cleared his throat. “Nice to meet all of you.”

The children spoke with a practiced unison in the same cadence as before. “Good morning, Kain Raziel and Princess Janos.” At least a few of the children apparently caught the joke, breaking the eerie chant with a tiny giggle or an echo of the word “princess”. One of the children waved to Kain specifically, and he realized with surprise that it was young Apple Bloom of the plantation.

“All right everyone, heads forward now!” Cheerilee pointed to the glyphs one by one, left to right, and said, “For the three in the back, remember, my name is Ch-ee-r-i-l-ee, and we’re going to start today with spelling and grammar. Place all your belongings in a cubby, find yourselves a seat, and we’ll begin the lessons.”

Kain was the only one with a “belonging”, so he placed the Soul Reaver on top of a bookshelf well out of the reach of the children. Three extra desks had obviously been put aside for them. Despite their size, the desks were the same size as the ones for the foals. Kain pushed his chair to the side and simply laid down in the straw covering the floor. Janos pulled his chair back and attempted to sit down in it, but overshot and landed haunches-down on the floor behind it. Embarrassed, he simply lowered his head to hide the mistake and wrapped his wings around the desk like a shield. Raziel hopped into the chair and, like a mountain goat, spun about until all of his feet fit snugly with it before hunching down. The display of athleticism was met with cheers and laughter from the children in the room, and half of them immediately stood up and started leaping into their chairs to do the same.

“Oh, children, no! Hooves on the floor everypony- you too, Raziel, and Janos we don’t hide our desks from the teacher. Wings on our backs please- thank you very much. Now, everyone, let’s practice some verb conjugations first.”

Kain wondered if the ponies shared some kind of a hive mind.

As the class began reciting their “has have had, do does did”s, Apple Bloom pulled the Cutie Mark Crusaders into a conspiratorial huddle. “All right, girls. Did you see him?”

Sweetie Belle checked Apple Bloom’s face for sarcasm. Amazingly, she found Apple Bloom completely sincere, and answered, “Uh… yeah? How can you miss him? He’s like fifty hands tall.”

Apple Bloom nodded assuredly. “Right. That’s the guy that blew up my house.”

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo both knew, of course, that Apple Bloom’s house had not blown up so much as Kain broke her window and flattened her garden. But the point was still made, and Sweetie Belle added, “I know. He messed up Rarity’s shop yesterday, too.”

Scootaloo made the obvious, if incorrect connection. “What beef does he have with your sisters?”

“I dunno,” plotted Apple Bloom. “But whatever it is, we’re about to make him have it with the school.”

“The school?”

Apple Bloom shushed Scootaloo before she got too loud. “Exactly! Y’see, every time Kain learns a friendship lesson, he blows up.”

It didn’t take long. Sweetie Bell gasped softly. “So if he learns a lesson here…”

Scootaloo was right behind her. “And boom goes the school…”

Apple Bloom couldn’t help rubbing her hooves as the pieces of her plan all came together. “I’m thinkin’ a good two weeks of no class.”

“Perfect! This is gonna be genius!” tittered Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo whisper-cheered. “Cutie Mark Crusaders, Plan A go!”

Meanwhile, in the back seats, Janos Whispered to Kain. “Look, Kain! They think we can’t hear them. Aren’t they adorable?”

Kain would not lower himself to call anything “adorable”, but he did respect the surprisingly conniving nature of the little beasts. “Faced with a slight inconvenience, they turn to domestic terrorism and property destruction. Reminds me of Raziel.”

Raziel kept his eyes forward, but Whispered right back. “The teacher will see your mouths moving.”

“She can’t hear us,” Kain assured him. “She has no reason to look this way.”

“But imagine such a place in Nosgoth! An entire society in miniature of just the children! All of them conversing, making plans, learning, and without the supervision of their parents or elders!” Janos took up a graphite pencil and began taking notes in his own letters. “It could change the face of the plebians forever-!”

Cheerilee called out gently. “Janos!”

Janos jolted at the sound of his name. “Er- yes?”

She pointed to a new series of glyphs on the slate board. “Can you read this aloud, please?”

Janos realized with horror that he had been speaking with Kain so animatedly, he hadn’t paid the slightest attention to the lesson. Dread pooled in his stomach. “Ah… mm… ‘Cheerilee’?”

The children cackled. Cheerilee kept up her placid smile. Janos sunk into his desk.

“Good effort, Janos! But this is actually the Pythagorean Theorem. We’re moving onto trigonometry now.”

Trigonometry passed without much fuss, as Kain and Raziel both had experience with the subject. Temples and cities did not build themselves up from nothing with bad mathematics, after all. But while they could do the mathematics mentally just fine, they couldn’t “show their work”. The pony language always remained abstract and oblique, and Raziel didn’t have the necessary mouth to hold a pencil. Janos, who was millennia-deep in his own culture’s writing and literature, floundered. By the time Cheerilee called a short break, Janos was trembling with anxiety. It was obvious enough that even the little girl ponies noticed as they came to check on the vampires.

“Hey, you okay?” Apple Bloom couldn’t find it within her to needle the stallions. “This must be hittin’ you hard…”

“Mostly Janos,” Kain said with a faint note of sympathy.

Janos laid his head down on the desktop. “I have never felt so isolated in my life… Some of these concepts defy logic! What does she mean by a fraction of a number?!”

“Sometimes I am reminded of how much older you are than either of us…” mused Raziel.

Scootaloo could relate. “Oh, I hated fractions when we first started them. I had to take SO many remedial lessons!”

Janos flinched at yet another unfamiliar word. “Remedial?”

Unsympathetic, Sweetie Belle summarized succinctly. “It means you have to stay at school longer to learn everything you didn’t learn the first time.”

“Egad! Torture!” Janos hid in his wings.

“It ain’t that bad…” Apple Bloom lied. “Look, if you-”

A new tiny pony shoved himself in between Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. “I agree with you one-hundred percent, Princess Janos!”

Janos was not soothed. “To say nothing of ‘percents’…”

Sweetie Belle groaned. “Go away, White Knight!”

White Knight, a remarkably shiny white pony without an image on his rump, did not go away. He and his swept-back forelock only pushed further into the circle. “No really! You shouldn’t’ have to stay here if you don’t want to! You’re a grown pony, and being at this school is-”

“Hey, Knightie!” shouted another foal. “Your dad is here with your lunch again!”

“What?! Oh no!” White Knight hurried into the hallway. “Don’t tell him I left it! Say I forgot it!”

“I’m telling him, you can’t stop me, nyeeeh~”

The interrupting due scurried off, leaving the vampires confused. The fillies only shrugged.

Apple Bloom explained, “You can ignore him. He’s a snoop.”

“And you aren’t?” Kain commented. “You three have come up to us without so much as an introduction.”

“Oh, whoops.” Apple Bloom recovered fast. “But you met me a few days ago!”

“I’m Sweetie Belle. Rarity’s my sister.”

“I’m Scootaloo!”

They thrust their flanks together, showing off their matching Cutie Marks. “We’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”

Janos couldn’t help but coo. “Oh~ They have a brigade. A little cadre.”

Back at the head of the brigade, Apple Bloom pitched her plan. “So if you wanna, we can sit with you and help you take your notes!”

“We still wouldn’t be able to read them,” said Janos.

“That’s… true, actually.” Sweetie Belle perked right up. “But at least you wouldn’t be all alone in the back of the class!”

Scootaloo bounced. “Yeah! We’d keep you company and explain things and stuff!”

The three girls leaned into each other and sang a small harmony. “’Cuz that’s what friends do!”

Just like the adult ponies, they could sing at a moment’s notice and never be off-key. The vampires shared a confounded look before Kain asked. “How does your kind always know what notes to sing?”

Scootaloo plainly explained, “We’ve been taking music theory since Grade 2.”

“It’s literally right up next,” said Apple Bloom. “Y’all know how to count time signatures, right?”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders received a trio of black stares as as answer.

Sweetie Belle bemoaned, “Nosgoth must be weird.”

“It is,” was all Kain would say.

All said, Music Theory was not a terrible set of lessons. Counting time signatures came naturally to Raziel, and the twee little song the children sang about being happier ‘the more they got together’ was to the same tune as Kain’s boyhood carol "Daar wordt aan de deur geklopt". He and Janos managed to harmonize that one together. Raziel was stunned to silence at the sight. The brigade cheered them. Cheerilee gave them a passing grade.

Thus, recess rolled in without so much as a single friendship lesson learned. Apple Bloom called an emergency Crusader meeting in the playground by the clover patch.

“Dang it!” Apple Bloom roused. “We’ve been so busy doin’ lessons, we haven’t had a chance to teach ‘em nothing!”

Scootaloo heartily agreed. “School is the worst place to learn anything.”

“May I make a suggestion?” asked Raziel.

“You might as well,” said Sweetie Belle. “We-”

All three of the girls screamed as they finally noticed the skeleton stallion looming over their heads. It was like he had poofed right out of the air. (He hadn’t; he had walked over like a normal horse and watched them the entire time.) Apple Bloom again took the lead so she could lay her hoof on Raziel’s snouth. “Don’t do that to people! It ain’t… er… neighborly!”

Unimpressed, Raziel tossed his head to extricate the foot from his nose. “Perhaps the prey species should stay more mindful of their surroundings. Now, what’s this about Kain needing to be taught a lesson?”

Scootaloo answered before Apple Bloom could. “We’re trying to get Kain to learn a lesson in friendship so he’ll explode the school.”

Raziel already knew, of course, but he couldn’t let the girls know that. “Have you tried asking him?”

“… what?” said Apple Bloom.

“Have you asked him what he needs to learn?” Raziel lead them with his eyes over to the playground. Kain sat in the shade of the largest tree, feigning interest as White Knight talked his ear off. “Because your associate seems to be.”

“Damn it, White Knight!” Apple Bloom reared up. “Crusaders! Ride out!”

White Knight had no idea the smallest stampede imaginable was on its way. He kept on pitching his ideas to a stone-faced Kain. “My stepmom has a summer house you could stay in, and she could pay for a tutor instead of you going to school. If you wanted…”

Sweetie Belle batted him aside with a swift foreleg kick to the rump. “Off our turf, White Knight!”

“Yeah, we got here first!” Scootaloo echoed.

White Knight set his hooves down. “He’s a person, not the tetherball court, Scootaloo! And if he wants to-”

Apple Bloom bit him on the back. White Knight bucked away at full speed and cried for the teacher.

Kain grinned in approval. “Bravo. The three of you would have made excellent vampires.”

“Um… thanks?” said the one who immediately resorted to biting.

“I’m not sure how I feel about that,” said the one who kicked him.

“Raziel said we don’t pay enough attention to what’s around us,” said Scootaloo. “I don’t know if that qualifies us for vampire-ness.”

Raziel, who had hung back to let the girls solve their own problems, finally spoke. “It doesn’t. But that can be fixed with practice.”

Kain smirked at the girls. “Are they here to practice?”

Apple Bloom hopped back to the front of the herd. “Nope! We’re here to offer you lessons on how to be a good friend!”

“Really?” Kain, as if in protest, settled his weight more solidly into the ground. “I was told this ‘recess’ was to be used for playtime and gaiety.”

Apple Bloom pondered on this a moment. “… good point. Play first, learn stuff later.”

“We did lose a LOT of recess time dealing with White Knight…” Sweetie Belle raised her hoof. “The motion is seconded!”

Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Thirded!”

They looked to Raziel. He sighed minutely. “I agree.”

“Noooo, you gotta make it a number!” Scootaloo argued. “So it’d be… fourthed?”

Sweetie Belle was just as confused. “Four-ded?”

Apple Bloom snickered. “Maybe YOU fourded!”

Sweetie Belle turned on her friend and started kicking. “OH you’re in for it now!”

“Pony fight!!” Scootaloo jumped into the fray.

Before the little ponies could beat each other’s teeth in, White Knight returned with Cheerilee. “They said they were gonna beat me up, Miss Cheerilee! They said they were gonna backfoot me!”

Kain felt a brief sense of nostalgia for when all of Raziel’s brothers were alive. It had been a long time since he had to avert a conflict rather than encourage it. “They said no such thing.”

The girls snapped their little mouths shut as White Knight stammered. “Bu-but but they did! They totally ran up and all started bothering him-”

“I never once said I was bothered,” said Kain. He let himself be funny for a moment. “I am a tired old man. My face just looks like that.”

Raziel laughed, at least, because he was also a tired old man. Cheerilee covered her mouth to hide a chuckle.

White Knight stamped his feet. “But they DID!”

Cheerilee gently directed him away. “Come on, Knightie. Kain isn’t upset at all, and you’ve been talking to him for all of recess. How about you take a turn on the swings?”

Kain didn’t trust the girls to know when they were out of earshot, so he glared at them until it was safe. Then, he spoke gently. “You were out for blood, weren’t you?”

Sweetie Belle nodded. “We were gonna buck him up.”

Apple Bloom was direct. “Thanks for not rattin’ us out to Miss Cheerilee.”

“Raziel can attest that I am nothing if not loyal to my allies. I learned my lesson on treachery long ago. Your secrets will stay with me.”

And like a hiccup bubbling up from his chest, Kain felt a little burst of energy, and then nothing. He hummed in acknowledgment that he had just gained something back, but didn’t yet know what. “A redundant lesson.”

“… wait, hold on!” Apple Bloom ordered the brigade. “Check his flank!”

Scootaloo pressed her hooves hard into Kain’s flank. The color of his Balance Emblem changed depending on how the light fell on it. “We’ve got Rarity purple, Pinkie Pie pink, and Rainbow Dash blue!”

Raziel twitched. “God, not another blue…”

“So we don’t even get a kaboom?! What a ripoff!” Apple Bloom growled. “What are we supposed to do now?!”

Scootaloo hopped onto Kain’s back. “Play Queen of the Castle?”

Janos returned from using the smallest privy he’d ever seen and found Kain being climbed by the three tiny Crusader ponies. His expression never changed. His gaze never left the middle distance. He didn’t even flinch when the girls slammed into the back of his neck or used his haunches as steps. Raziel sat in the dirt beside him and kept watch as the little girls jockeyed for supremacy.

Kain turned an ear to Janos. “You will choose your words carefully.”

He hadn’t planned to say anything untoward. “You would have made an excellent father.”

Kain, this time, sighed minutely. “I was an excellent father, thank you.”

Raziel was quick. “No you weren’t.”

“Quiet, you.”

Kain had not, in fact, been an excellent father, but he had been an incredible general and warlord. He could see dissent forming, or leaders rising, and in this case he could see the isolated struggling. Now that he knew of White Knight, he could watch the boy throughout the afternoon and see how he was ostracized by the rest of the herd. He didn’t know what the child had done to deserve the place at the bottom of the pecking order other than perhaps try too hard to escape it. His ways were cloying and insincere, often resorting to petty bribery or promises of favors to obtain social status. It was of no matter to him, personally, as he would likely never see the lad again after today.

But it rang all too familiar to how Raziel became a stranger among his brothers. Somewhere in the pit that had once been his heart, Kain felt a twinge of guilt. Perhaps he was not an excellent father… or a good father… or technically a father at all. But, if Janos had faith in him, perhaps he would at least be a mentor.

It was near the end of the day, just before they would finally be released from this prison, that Kain approached the foal himself. “Child. Come here.”

White Knight nearly leaped for joy. “You’re back! Did you want to stay at my-”

“Silence,” Kain warned. “Listen before you speak.”

White Knight stopped talking.

“I feel the need to remind you that I am a guest here, for today only, and a several-thousand-year-old one at that. You have nothing to gain by seeking my company.” Kain contemplated his words. “Your efforts are best spent ingratiating yourself to your own kind. Do so sincerely. The other children are not prizes to be collected or politicians to be bought. Speak to them as equals. Do you understand?”

White Knight seemed a big lost on the longer words, but he gathered the crux of the message. “… but won’t they like me better if I have cool stuff to play with?”

“No. They will only like your things. Things can be purchased, and replicated, and replaced.” Kain emphasized his point. “You cannot. You are irreplaceable. And thus, you have great value.”

“… oh.”

“There’s a good lad. Now run along, preferably among the ones who aren’t so vicious.”

Kain rejoined his kind at the back of the class for the final round of tutelage. The study of life, “biology” as the horses called it, was mildly fascinating. Raziel even made himself useful as a living representation of the equine skeleton. The day ended with no more ballyhoo than required, and after a taxing 9 hours of school, Kain was finally free.

“It wasn’t terrible,” said Raziel.

“Maybe not to you,” said Janos. “Never again. What foul drudgery.”

Kain only kept an ear on the other two. White Knight was in the edge of his vision, making away with a trio of boys who were smiling and chatting along with him. How quickly his advice had been taken to heart. He felt proud, both of himself and for the young White Knight. “You sound jealous of my high marks, Janos.”

“You received the same marks as- oh no!”

Kain knew what he was in for as soon as his next step missed the ground. He wasn’t sure what he had done, but he recognized the sensation. “Here we go again…”

“WOOHOO!!!” Apple Bloom cheered. “IT WORKED, GIRLS!”

“DUCK AND COVEEER!” wailed Scootaloo.

Kain missed whatever Sweetie Belle said in the blast.

(Out at the Crystal Castle, Twilight was knocked to the floor by the shockwave. She gathered herself just enough to gaze out the window at the mushroom cloud rising from the Ponyville Schoolhouse. “… son of A BI-”)

The schoolhouse lie mostly flat against the ground, as did a fair chunk of the playground equipment. Janos had taken the brunt of the blast while many a child and Cheerilee sheltered behind him. Raziel was out in a tree some distance away. Kain, distantly, was a bit embarrassed by the whole event.

“… NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!” cheered White Knight.

The children all screamed with delight. Cheerilee did not share their enthusiasm, but neither was she harmed, and that was enough for Kain.

It was Sweetie Belle that started the song. “All hail to the vampire, vampire, vampire~”

The rest of the children quickly joined in. “All hail to the vampire, vampire man! He blew up the schoo-ool ‘cuz vampires ru-ule! All hail-!”

Now this, Kain could appreciate. He turned to his comrades. “Ha! Behold! The children sing my praises. Finally, I am given my due recognition.”

Janos scoffed. “I take it back. You would not have been an excellent father, you are an excellent child.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling all of you!” Raziel shouted from his tree.

Twilight appeared on the scene in a burst of light. “Damages! I need a report on damages! Is everyone okay?!”

Cheerilee cleared her throat. “Princess Twilight? When you pitched this idea in the morning, I believed you neglected to mention that Mr. Kain was an explosion hazard.”

“I uh…” Twilight shrunk. “Didn’t think it would… come up?”

The children sang on. “-vampire man! He canceled the classes and saved all our asses! All hail to the vampire, vampire man!”

Chapter Text

The minuscule herd had not yet reached Twilight’s tower at the stroke of midnight. The winged monarch and her equally violet familiar had spared no effort to restore the school to its former glory. They vampires, on the other hand, spared every effort they could. Repairs had extended well into the night.

“And I’m not even mad about it,” said Twilight in her frostiest detached tone. She marched at the head of the pack without so much as a glance backwards. “I understand your first day was hard.”

As if voicing the thoughts would make it so, Janos quickly corrected. “Our only day.”

“But it’s all fixed now. We’ll go home. We’ll count the ghosts. Spike?”

Spike had foregone riding on anyone’s back. Instead he kept Raziel from escaping (again) by keeping an iron grip on the wraith’s tail. At Twilight’s call, he pointed to Ariel. “She’s still here, whining about how Kain makes everything worse, again.”

“All right. That’s one down.”

Raziel chuckled a few seconds late, which told Twilight that Ariel had said something.

Kain said nothing. For as little respect the equines had earned, he still had some sense of hospitality, and what he was due he had already strained. He almost admired the tooth-gnashing patience the princess showed at his unwitting destruction of her hamlet. Had it been an intruder in his territory running about casually destroying buildings, he would have killed them on the spot. He had done so, actually. To Raziel, and multiple times.

His chest ached. He kept his mouth shut.

Raziel had no mouth to keep shut. Instead his piercing, glowing gaze shined bright in the shadow of the castle. “Is that the only task on the agenda? To stay indoors and take census of the Nosgothian diaspora?”

Twilight unlocked the door with a wistful sigh and a quiet tap of the lock. “Yes. That is all-”

She stopped. Kain realized why immediately, followed by Janos and Raziel. Spike and Ariel shared a confused glance, but no one spoke for a long moment.

“What’s wrong?” whispered Spike.

“The door’s already unlocked,” answered Twilight.

There was no shifting mechanism, no click, no nothing. The door had either been left open, or…

Kain drew the Soul Reaver.

“No murder!” Twilight ordered in her harshest whisper.

“A little maiming, instead,” Kain purred.

“No maiming either! Raz, Princess Janos, cover Spike.”

The three of them disappeared underneath Janos’ wings. With an arch of an eyebrow, Kain sent Ariel into the door to scout. She did not return.

Twilight Sparkle and Kain drew themselves up, burst through the door, switched on the lights-

“GRAB HIS BUTT!”

- and were immediately set upon by the rest of Twilight’s candy-colored cronies.

Elsewhere outside of Equestria, Discord howled with laughter as the chaos erupted on screen. “I win again! Not a drop of blood shed! Pony up, Wheel!”

Discord’s companion did not share his sense of joy. Even as Discord scooped up his share of the winnings (a pile of popcorn), it roiled with anger from within its glass prison. “YOU SWINDLING MALEFACTOR!”

Discord only shoved the popcorn into his mouth and grinned. “You flatter me!”

“YOU MUST BE MANIPULATING THESE CREATURES OUTSIDE OF MY PERCEPTION!”

Discord feigned a gasp. “Me? Cheat at the pony race? That’s slander!”

“DO NOT DENY ME! THIS BEHAVIOR IS UNNATURAL!”

“I think you’re just bad at gambling.” Discord dealt out a new round of popcorn. “You were wrong about the stray breeze, the cheater pony fell flat, you couldn’t get children to fight, and now golden boy’s worried enough about the ponies to protect them! Admit you’ve lost, Wheel!”

“NEVER!”

“Well, if you say so!” Discord didn’t even try to hide his grin. “More popcorn for me! Maybe we can up the ante. Peanut M&Ms? Loser has to eat them!”

He spilled out of the living room guffawing at his own joke. His companion was left to wallow, and it wallowed… it contemplated.

Why had none of its manipulations borne fruit? No matter what petty grievance it threw into Kain’s path, the vampire never once resorted to violence. The was a creature it had seen mutilate his own progeny, snap the necks of mortals to gorge upon their blood, torture his allies, disembowel his cherished ones, and more! Why would he not maul these belligerent horses? Even now, as it watched through the viewing portal, Kain was suspended in the air by magic while Ariel laughed at him. It kept a close watch on the mortals and let itself learn.

Back in Ponyville, Twilight (in a distant kind of way) was glad at least someone had learned to read. The first thing she saw when her eyes adjusted to the light was the big paper banner hung from the wall: “ARIEL. DON’T TELL KAIN. IT WILL BE FUNNY. LOVE-” and then the signatures of Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy in that order.

Twilight could hear Ariel laughing. She couldn’t really, but… she really could.

The next thing she saw was Kain being hoisted into the air by Rarity’s magic, and by that point, she felt like she ought to say something.

“… what are you girls doing in my house?” She took a quick recount. “Where’s Applejack?”

Applejack indeed was the only one missing. The rest of her friends had clustered around Kain and impromptu hogtied him with whatever they had handy, which seemed to be ribbons (from Rarity) and knitted shawls (from Fluttershy). Knotted with yarn and cord, he made for the grumpiest macrame imaginable.

Pinkie Pie stepped up to explain. “Applejack had farm stuff and sleeping to do, so she taught us how to hogtie superfast and I made a little cheat book of all the things she was gonna say if she stuck around!”

“Uh-”

Pinkie flipped to the middle of her marble notebook and put on her best Applejack voice. “Sawry, shugar cyube-”

Twilight plucked the book out of Pinkie’s hoof. “Yeah we’re not doing that.”

(Rainbow wailed, “THANK YOU!”)

Twilight read it aloud, abridged, in her own voice. “’Sorry, but since he keeps exploding, we though we’d make a backup plan.’ Well, this seems… kind of excessive? Kain, are you okay?”

Kain met her eyes, and while he looked the slightest bit aggrieved, he made no attempt to escape. Twilight filed this fact away and looked to Raziel and Janos. “Is he okay?”

“He can extricate himself if he so wishes,” said Raziel. Janos only shrugged.

“Well, if he’s fine with it…” Twilight was still confused. “Okay… now, why?”

Rainbow put it bluntly. “To see how many charges he’s got left.”

Rarity strained keeping a horse-dragon Kain’s size aloft, but she obligingly turned him at subtle angles so the light could his his Cutie Mark from multiple angles. “Generosity… Laughter… Loyalty, and Kindness. All that’s left is Honesty.”

“Oo, that’s the hardest one…” Fluttershy whispered.

“Followed by Magic,” Twilight amended. “How are you feeling, Kain?”

“Trussed,” he said.

“Girls, put him down. He’s not gonna explode three times in one night.”

Raziel chuckled deep in his chest. “Well…”

“NOPE, no no no, not in front of Spike. Instead, everypony discuss! The Element of Honesty, how do we crack it? Janos, Raziel, get in on this one. Spike, go to bed.”

Spike flew straight up the stairs. “Thank you!”

“The floor’s open!”

“Truth or Dare!” shouted Pinkie.

“Make him run a gauntlet!” said Rainbow.

Rarity set Kain down and untied his bonds. “Newlywed Game!”

The room erupted with shouts. Twilight ducked back from the maelstrom and pulled Kain away into a side hallway. With a quick shush, she ushered him away from the other ponies. The sounds of chatter fell away with every step.

Kain sighed deeply. “Thank you.”

“I could tell you were more tired than you were letting on,” she explained. “You weren’t talking.”

That earned a chuckle from the vampire, but no more words. Twilight figured she must have been closer to the truth than she first thought. For one thing, he had sincerely thanked her. For another, the stallion in love with his own voice wasn’t saying anything else. She filled the silence. “It’s probably hard for you to be out during the day and quiet at night.”

Kain made a little grunt of agreement, keeping his gaze on the floor ahead. His head hung low, nearly level with Twilight’s.

“And I’ve never seen you eat since you said you got that one guy…” Twilight let her thoughts wander. “I know I get cranky even if I just skip breakfast, and you’ve been connecting with the Elements every day on just one meal and a backwards sleep schedule-”

Kain cocked an eyebrow. “Is there a point to this soliloquy?”

Twilight stopped, and Kain turned to face her as she collected her thoughts. “I just guess, that for all the bad things you say you’ve done, and everything that you could do, and for every bit of you that is a MASSIVE meanie… you’re not that bad.”

The statement seemed to hit Kain in slightly the wrong way. A layer of sleepy fugue fell away form the vampire, and he drew himself up just a bit so his head was above Twilight’s. “High praise from a horse. I have already told you my reasoning for not tearing your herd asunder.”

“Yeah, I know, ‘it’s easier if I don’t kill you’ and stuff.” It was a sentence she hadn’t thought she’d say today. “I’m just thankful. You continually have more and more opportunities to be cruel and selfish… and you never are!”

Kain, unimpressed, tossed his mane. “Cato can quote scripture to his purposes.”

… who was Cato? Twilight could pick up the gist of it, at least. “What, you wanna play Platitudes? I can play Platitudes: ‘goodness is what goodness does’.”

There he went. Kain stood with his head high and his chest puffed out, fully in stallion mode. “You cannot be serious.”

Twilight matched his offense with her own perfect posture. “I don’t see why I can’t be. You’re not perfect- nopony is- but you’ve never given me a reason to think you’re a terrible pony.”

“Vampire.”

“Vampire.”

One of Kain’s ears wiggled. Ariel was saying something, and if what Spike kept saying was true, it likely wasn’t anything good. Twilight cleared her throat, and the ear wiggling stopped, so Ariel must have gotten the message. “How about tomorrow I introduce you to somebody?”

Kain’s interest piqued. “Ah… I notice this one is not an equine.”

“He’s… at least a little bit pony. Or maybe horse. But I think you’ll like Discord- you and him have similar senses of humor. And he’s best friends with Fluttershy!”

Kain’s expression spoke volumes. “Now that is high praise.”

“See?” Twilight stood back at Kain’s side. “He knows all about what it’s like to make friends with ponies you never expected! And if you explode around him, it probably won’t even hurt him! Let’s get some sleep and we’ll call him up tomorrow.”

Kain got in one last correction. “Later today.”

“Haha!” Twilight conceded defeat. “Later today.”

Elsewhere… it burned with anger.

Chapter Text

He moved without purpose or plan. Everything in Nosgoth was his to command, to shape to his will, and he did it all by the strength of his claws and talons. Every step he took sent shockwaves through his skin. He clutched at boulders, water, the rough bark of trees and heavy mounds of earth, all with the same dispassionate motion. Still, the simple sensations were enough to soothe his addled mind. This was his Nosgoth, and these were his hands, and all was right with the world.

He woke up with hooves, and remembered the last few days.

Kain was very tired.

“He lives,” said Ariel. “Another day of-”

The princess one opened the bedroom door. “Oh, you’re up already! Come get breakfast, Kain, it’s Discord day! And no listening to Ariel telling you mean things!”

Ariel gasped. “The nerve! How dare you-”

“I mean it!” Twilight warned. “Ariel, if the boys have to play nice, you do too! Now hurry up before Princess Janos finishes off the pancakes!”

Somewhere out there in the far-flung reaches of the omniversal plane, just off the main road from Equestria after the rest station, Discord prepared a picnic basket. Normally, he would be utterly offended at the idea of sharing his Fluttershy Day with a rabble of not-Fluttershys. Today was the exception. Today was a treat. Today he had been invited to meet with Twilight’s special guest, Mr. Golden Boy himself, and he was simply wiggly with delight! Despite the mundane setup and payoff of his efforts, his effect on Ponyville was a thing of beauty. Now, the stoic stallion had one massive atom bomb of magic left in him just waiting to pop, and by Faust, Discord was going to see it firsthand!

His own house guest, in the meantime, would have to watch the live broadcast. Discord slithered into the living room, basket in paw. “Oh, Wheel? Who’s ready for TV time?”

Wheel did not answer. In fact, Wheel was not even visible. Discord worried, if only slightly, because he hadn’t felt the cuttlefish wriggling around in his domain at all. His earlier bragging had come back to nip him, apparently.

“Wheel?” Discord checked the usual hiding places: under the couch, behind the view portal, above the infinite hallway. “Helen Wheels? My Wheel in the sky?”

Not a thing. The loud little beast, who had already turned reticent since yesterday, was simply gone. It wasn’t even curled up in the blanket where Discord had left it. Mildly suspicious, Discord threw the blanket into the picnic basket.

“Fine.” He turned on the view portal. “Keep your secrets.”

Discord left, and the viewing portal played on, showing the ponies settling down for the day’s picnic. If there was a bucolic rolling field within walking distance of Ponyville, Fluttershy knew about it. Thanks to her, today’s meetup with Discord would have a quiet, picturesque venue with minimal civilian casualties if Kain had an… unexpected revelation. Rarity brought dishware and a blanket. Pinkie Pie catered. Twilight offered a selection of teas for their enjoyment.

Janos worried. “How uncouth we must seem… We have brought nothing to the table.”

Raziel stepped out of the way as Spike laid down the picnic quilt. “Rather, to the blanket.”

“Naaah, you’re visitors! We don’t expect you to bring presents. That’d be rude!” Spike staked down the corners. “Besides, you do something way better than that: you keep Rainbow busy.”

Out in the fields, Rainbow (and also Applejack) was busy drilling Kain in his gaits. He accepted the training in conflicted silence. Yes, he was twice her size and millennia her senior, but being made to run was oddly satisfying… and for the love of god, there was no singing.

“Steady steps, soldier! Keep on the beat!” Rainbow would have made an excellent field commander, had she been a vampire. “Now, waltz tempo to two-step once you hit Applejack!”

If only he could hit Applejack… but no, he behaved himself and smoothly transitioned to a trot once Applejack fell in step beside him. “Doin’ good, sugar cube!”

Rainbow cheered in approval. “Makin’ progress! Now loop back around and we’ll do it again! Push it back to the start, now we’re getting’ somewhere~”

Kain stopped hard enough to leave furrows. “Stop. No. No singing.”

Applejack huffed and skipped to a halt. “Oh, don’t be such a baby about it!”

“Yeah, it’s not even a whole song!” Rainbow dropped out of the sky and landed in front of Kain. “I was just quoting Crowded Horse!”

Kain had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from correcting it to “pony”. His resolve was weakening. It infuriated him. “Are you horses or not?!”

“Crowded Horse is a rock band!” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Duh! All the weather ponies love Crowded Horse!”

Applejack cut in just enough to get Kain’s attention. “If it helps, I ain’t ever heard of them either.”

Rarity trotted up from the distance. “OH, are we discussing music? I love Crowded Horse!”

“Okay, Rarity just got twenty percent cooler!” Rainbow and Rarity’s hooves met with a happy little bump. “What’s your fav?”

“Oh, ‘Fall at Your Hooves’ of course! It’s so romantic.”

“You’re so girly!” Rainbow flicked her wings with bluster. “The best song’s obviously ‘Always Take the Weather With You’!”

Applejack hummed. “But that’s a Jimmy Hoofit song.”

Kain had no clue what they were on about. All of the inane horse puns blended together. But he could tell the instant the mood changed, and he kept quiet to watch the chaos ensue. It started with the lightning-quick glance that Rainbow and Rarity shared before the two of them turned on Applejack.

“Darling, ‘Weather with You’ is a Crowded Horse original,” said Rarity.

“Can’t be!” said Applejack. “I own the album it came off of, and that thang’s older than Apple Bloom!”

“Yeah, and Woodface is older than you!” Rainbow said. “Crowded Horse did it first!”

Applejack scoffed. “Please, as if you’d listen to anything that old. You’d call it ‘lame-o old fart music’ and chuck it back in the discount bin.”

“Oo, point to Applejack,” said the serpentine beast-

Kain nearly jumped out of his skin. Suddenly beside him, despite having not existed the instant before, was a winding amalgamation of limbs, horns, and eyes that spoke in dulcet tones. In his panic, he clutched at the Reaver and searched for Raziel. He and Janos were both standing over Spike to protect him from the sudden inexplicable horror.

Spike just waved. “Hi, Discord.”

Pinkie Pie joined the debate. “I’m on the Hoofit Team! I dunno who any of these ponies are, I just wanna make the teams even-stevens!”

“Then it’s settled!” Discord snapped his fingers. “Now it’s time for Name That Tune!”

The wildflower field was gone, replaced by wide panels of saturated colors and trumpeting fanfare. Discord, the wild and turbulent wyrm, stood at center stage behidn a podium while the two teams took their places on either side fo him. Confetti rained from the heavens.

“Oh, we’re so winning this,” Rainbow promised.

“Dreadfully sorry, Applejack,” Rarity said with a touch more class. “But you will, in fact, lose tonight.”

“Not on your pretty little flanks, I won’t,” Applejack grinned.

“I have no stake in this!” said Pinkie Pie.

Discord spun his mic. “Welcome back to everyone’s favorite dated reference! Filmed in front of an undead studio audience!”

Out in the stands, all of Nosgoth’s ghosts cheered- visibly- and applauded. Had they any idea what was going on? Likely not, but after having spent the last several days listlessly haunting Twilight’s castle, any entertainment was welcome. And yet, the crowd was not without its protesters.

“Hey… I’m not undead!” Spike protested.

“So this is Ariel…” Janos gazed upon the little blond spirit with polite interest. “When Kain first told me there was a dead woman in his mind who told him of all his shortcomings, I just assumed he meant his mother…”

Despite herself, Ariel laughed. It was more of a splutter, only half-suppressed and very short, but the smile stayed on her face. “Oh, that’s awful…”

Janos lit up with pride. “I made a joke!”

Raziel nodded. “We’re all very proud of you.”

(Further down in the seating, Moebius wasn’t quite sure how he was cognizant- and humanoid- again. He just kept his head down and his mouth shut.)

Discord cleared his throat away from the mic before resuming his character. “Now, let’s get ready to play! Providing our tunes today are the lovely Miss Fluttershy on vocals and the talented Princess Twilight Sparkle on melodica!”

Whirling around from their special side stage, Fluttershy shrunk from the spotlight and Twilight tossed aside her melodica. “We’ll just do this a capella, thanks.”

Discord rolled with it. “Beautiful assistant, the tune please!”

Which left Kain the center of attention, his clan cloak swiftly swapped with a glimmering gown and a cue card hanging from his mouth. It effectively gagged him as Discord’s off-stage voice read: “Weather with You”.

While the ponies sang a few bars of the song in question, Kain thought many things at once. “A similar sense of humor,” Twilight had said. He hoped no one in the undead crowd could recognize him as a horse- was that Moebius? Three rows from the front! It was! How was he there?! And why had this distortion of reality changed his clothes? Not that the gown was uncomfortable- the mind was a plaything of the body and his body was frozen with confusion in the stage lights.

He concluded that he must have been in Hell.

Applejack cried, “Jimmy Hoofit!”

The stage flashed bed and buzzed.

Rainbow Dash leaped into the air. “Crowded Horse!”

The stage flashed green and rang the victory bell.

“That’s right! Beautiful assistant, please tell them what they’ve won!”

Discord’s command went unheeded. Kain threw off the gown and bolted for the exit. Discord instead reached out a claw and pulled him back as if he were a wayward kitten.

“No no no, Golden Boy, you have to participate. That’s the whole crux of improv, after all.” Discord plopped him down on the stage between the two teams. “If you won’t be assistant, you can compete with the girls.”

“But Discord, he’s an ex-pat!” said Pinkie Pie. “He doesn’t know Equestrian music!”

For some reason, her sentiment burned him worse than anything else. Kain’s blood boiled at the implication. “I am not an expatriate! I am an envoy at best and an unwilling prisoner at the moment!”

Raziel alone laughed at the “quip”.

Discord slapped an amiable hand across Kain’s back, a most alarming sensation after several days of hooves and tiny dragon claws. “Very well! You’ll play with a handicap. Custom questions for Mr. Golden Boy.”

“How dare you-”

Discord ignored him. “PONY MUSIC LIGHTNING ROUND! ‘Uptown Mare’!”

Pinkie Pie shouted, “BILLY FOAL!”

“’It’s All Been Done’!”

Rarity jumped on it. “The Barenaked Ponies!”

“’Once in a Lifetime’!”

It was Rainbow this time. “The Tacking Heads!”

“’Birdhouse in your Soul’!”

There went Applejack. “They Might Be Geldings!”

(Ariel side-eyed Raziel.)

“Oo, that’s an even score in the lightning round! Let’s see if Golden Boy can get one.” Discord wriggled his long body around Kain and held the microphone up to his face. “See if you can tell us the artist behind ‘Baby I’m a Star’, ‘Let’s Go Crazy’, and ‘Raspberry Bridle’.”

Everyone was staring. This was inane- this was insensible, everything they said was just an idiotic pun based on equestrian terminology! And they were still expecting an answer?? Why now could he think of nothing when he had reared horses himself as a boy?? What could he possibly say?

With all the dignity he could muster, still very unsure, Kain said, “… Prance.”

The stage exploded with cheers.

Discord applauded. “That’s right!”

Kain was going to slit their throats in their sleep. “You’re joking.”

“Nope! But I can recognize a shot in the dark when I see it! How about we ask something you ACTUALLY know, this time.” Discord hiked Kain up onto a slightly higher plinth and got ready a small set of trivia cards. “All right, Kain, you can pull into the lead with this. Answer all the questions correctly for today’s grand prize!”

Fluttershy and Twilight were nearly swallowed up by the side stage dropping beneath their feet. They dove for solid ground before it rotated on its axis (like a coin flipping, Kain noted) to display the prize… some manner of emblem Kain did not recognize, but the ponies all did.

Discord elucidated for him. “Unlocking your Element of Honesty!”

“That’s preposterous!” Kain put his foot down. “You can ask any of my comrades, and they would tell you I am not a man of deceptions!”

“Dragon of deceptions,” Spike corrected.

“Really big pony-dragon of deceptions,” said Twilight.

“He speaks the truth,” said Raziel. “Which illustrates the point. He is violent and manipulative and self-absorbed.”

“And has a bit of a martyr complex,” Janos added, politely.

“And he’s kind of a smart-ass,” said Spike.

“And a stick in the mud!” said Pinkie.

“And is never wrong,” said Ariel.

Kain wondered how he could stab Raziel in a way that didn’t involve him coming immediately back to life and nagging him about it. “Are we all quite through?”

“… but he doesn’t lie,” Raziel concluded.

Discord only grinned in a devious, all-knowing kind of way before flipping through his cards. “Not to any of you. Now, first question.” Discord pointed to Pinkie Pie. “What is her name?”

Kain shot Pinkie Pie a glance. She was beaming with delight and hopping about on her little hooves. “Alliterative. What is the point of this?”

He and Discord both pointedly ignored Pinkie’s crestfallen look. Instead, Discord pointed to Applejack. “Second question: what is her name?”

Kain’s skin chilled. Somehow, Discord had caught something Kain had cultivated for the entire sojourn. Applejack also seemed to be catching on, as all the ponies were now gazing upon him with a discerning eye. “Incredibly apt. Next question.”

It was no good. Now not only was he being watched, he could see the more insightful ones- Fluttershy, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie- starting to turn inward to review their own memories. Out in the crowd, Raziel only met his eyes with silent disapproval. Ariel always disapproved, so she was no surprise, and Janos had already schooled his expression into careful neutrality. But Spike, the tiny little thing and his hurt expression-

Discord stole away his attention and pointed to Fluttershy. “Third question: what is her-”

Kain cut him off. “Twee. Next question.”

Twilight finally said it aloud. “You’ve never even called any one of us by our name.”

“David Allen Cob…” Applejack said sadly. “But written by Steven Goodpony…”

“I don’t think any of the Nosgothers have!” Twilight checked the audience. “Raziel? Janos?”

“It’s… never come up…” Janos’ eyes told another story, though. He carefully avoided Twilight’s gaze.

Ariel crossed her arms. “It cannot be helped that all of their names sound like baby talk.”

Raziel winced. “You forgot they can hear you now.”

The angry gaze of six angry ponies and one dragon bore down on Ariel. She shrunk. “Oh.”

Discord purred, “It’s an easy fix…”

It all played out very quickly, and in that moment, Kain understood why he was up on the plinth and everyone else was out in the stand. He stood his ground and raised his voice. “There is nothing to fix-!”

At nearly the same moment, Raziel spoke, and somehow his words sliced through Kain’s and hit their marks. “Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, it is a pleasure to know the both of you. You would have made excellent vampires.”

“NOICE!” said Rainbow. “… I think. What do you-?”

“Please do not-!! I mean-” Janos cleared his throat. “What Raziel and Kain consider a ‘good vampire’ does not reflect the reality of the vampire race. Any one of you would have made great vampires. Twilight could have ruled entire territories.”

Raziel huffed, offended. “If she were my childe, she would have a territory-”

“Getting off topic!” Twilight reined in the wandering plot. “Ariel, play nice. You don’t get to hide behind being intangible anymore.”

Ariel lowered her head. “I’m sorry, Twilight.”

“Thank you.” With all of it settled, Twilight turned back to the vampire in question. Kain was both imposing and threatening, angry and high up on the plinth where he already towered over all of them, but also isolated and trapped by a circle of ponies and ghosts and Discord. The whites of his eyes had never been more prominent. Twilight felt an echo of the dread that he must have felt in that moment, and while it would have been so easy to be mad or cruel or accusatory, it didn’t feel right. “Look… I get it.”

She braced, and just as she expected, Kain immediately pushed back. “How could you possibly get anything from my situation?! I have never suffered such indignities as I have since my arrival here, and I have attempted to maintain my composure at every turn only to be met by your ridiculous expectations! Everything in this world is built upon the conceits of fairy tales! You sing as easily as you breathe! None of you have shed or drawn a drop of blood in your lifetimes, and yet you claim to know the inner workings of my mind?! If I choose to exercise my autonomy by refusing to use your asinine appellations, then who are you to tell me that I am at fault?!”

Twilight froze, because Pinkie Pie was talking. Saddened but proud, she simply remarked, “That’s a good alliteration, even if it’s mean-”

Before Twilight could quietly tell Pinkie that maybe Kain wasn’t in the best state of mind- that maybe he was angry and maybe he was distressed and it was maybe bad form to try and be glib about it- Kain made all of those points very quickly by whipping around and screaming “BE SILENT!” She couldn’t argue that it was, if nothing else, very efficient at getting his point across. But when all of her friends immediately jumped into battle stances (as did Raziel and Janos in the stands), she stepped back in to break the standoff.

“OKAY- we’ve got the message! If we’re having fun at Kain’s expense, we’re not having fun at all!” Twilight put herself between the girls and the vampire. “We’re putting the name thing to rest. Kain, body language.”

Discord whipped out his picnic basket. “I can restrain him-”

“NO. No restraints!” Twilight waved Raziel and Janos down with a wing. “You’re okay. We’re okay. Everybody is okay. Drop the set.”

The TV soundstage fell away, returning to the sunny flower field. Twilight met Kain’s gaze and stood tall despite the hammering in her heart. Kain’s eyes were wild and nearly glowing with rage, nearly as powerful as Fluttershy’s Stare in sheer willpower. “You’re allowed to be angry. You’re not allowed to hurt my friends… physically. We don’t do anything to you. You don’t do anything to us. We will talk this out like diplomats.”

Kain did not speak. Twilight put her nose to his and breathed in where he breathed out. She could smell the emotion on his breath. The mind was a plaything of the body, after all, and if his heart was thundering, then his thoughts were too.

Discord pouted. “I wanted a tussle…”

Kain spoke before she could. “And why should I give weight to your wants?”

Twilight agreed, “Just because we’re going to hash this out doesn’t mean we have to start kicking and biting. We’re going to be civilized about this.” A thought occurred to her. “Element of Conflict, right?”

Kain’s entire attitude shifted. With a little blink and a moment to process, the rage was gone. “… you remembered.”

“I know it’s not your native element,” said Twilight. “But that’s important to Nosgothers, right? You don’t just automatically get along.”

“No, we do not…” Kain sighed deeply and disengaged from the standoff. Raziel met him at his side. “I am tired…”

“I bet,” Twilight said sincerely. “But that’s okay. It wasn’t right of us to insist you meet us all the way on our side. We’ll try to reach for the happy middle instead. Okay Discord, let’s have the picnic finally.”

Discord’s pouting doubled. “Guh. Fine. Show up and do all of this for nothing…”

He flipped out the blanket, all of its places already set with cake stands, little plates, and mismatched teacups… and one cracked snowglobe. Twilight boggled at the little trinket, sitting out of place even among Discord’s motley dishes. What had happened to the water? The inside was all murky and blue.

“Oh hey!” said Spike. “The aquarium!”

Slightly deflated, Pinkie corrected. “Simulaquarium.”

It bounced.

Discord said, “Oh no.”

And when it hit the ground, it cracked in half.

Chapter Text

“WRETCHED INSIDIOUS PONIES!” The sky grew inky black. The wind stilled. Writhing tentacles sprung from every surface, sapping the land of its life and color. Standing taller Twilight’s castle, the great angry god glared down at the ponies with a thousand accusatory eyes. “ABOMINATIONS OF THE NATURAL ORDER! WHAT ARE YOU, THAT YOU WOULD COLLUDE WITH THE DIVINE?!”

Distantly, Twilight realized that the Tentacle Monster Contingency Plan was contingent on her being in one of her labs. Massive oversight on her part. Wouldn’t happen again. Also, she might have needed to put more emphasis on locating the giant tentacle monster than teaching the vampires friendship lessons.

She thought all of that in the split second before a tentacle slammed down on her head and planted her face-first into the dirt.

Kain’s only thought was “Oh for god’s sake, not again” before he was too.

Discord wriggled away at the edges of perception, steadily inching his way out of the minor god’s circle. “Now now, Wheel, I said I was brought low. I never said-”

It did not let Discord finish. Instead it lashed Discord’s flapping jaw shut and brought him low physically. Each of his million eyes glared down at the captive snake. “YOU WILL BE SILENT, YOU CONNIVING SNAKE! I ADMIT I WAS PLAYED FOR A FOOL BY YOUR SIMPLE MANIPULATIONS, BUT REST ASSURED, I WILL NOT BE TRICKED AGAIN!”

“Oh my d-dear, dear Wheel!” As he dangled, Discord wrung his claws and put on his best (if strained) friendly smile. “Don’t think of them as ‘manipulations’! I was just trying to guide you into making the smartest decision! Wouldn’t want my new friend in danger-”

“DANGER?!” The beast snapped Discord into the ground. “AS IF I AM TO FEAR A HERD OF PONIES?!”

Meanwhile, as Discord stole the beast’s attention, Twilight gathered herself and stood up. She hadn’t been hit like that in a good while… it would take a minute to get her bearings, to say nothing of- Kain! She reached out with her magic and pulled Kain up from the rubble. “You okay?!”

He didn’t look it. Wobbling on his feet and always scowling, Kain shook the dust out of his mane. “I have been better. I must apologize for my lax attitude towards this particular issue. I should have eliminated this thing when I had the chance.”

“Hindsight,” admitted Twilight. She scanned the horizon. Other than tentacle monster, all Twilight could really see was torn earth. If her friends were out there, they were probably buried under the piles of ash scattered around. “But it’s here now. What exactly are we dealing with?”

Kain drew the Soul Reaver. “A being quite beyond your scope, I would imagine.”

Twilight cocked her eyebrow. “Try me.”

Kain found the time to roll his eyes. “Fine. It calls itself a thousand titles, but its most common is the Wheel of Fate. It consumes the souls of the dead and influences the living to do its bidding. It has kept its true form hidden and been worshiped as a god since time immemorial.”

Twilight let loose the tiniest sigh she could. “And it was in my snowglobe.”

“Terrarium,” corrected Kain.

A lone pink hoof punched its way out of the dust. “Simulaquarium!”

“Oh joy, she lives.” Kain suffered a swift strike to the flank by Twilight’s wing while Pinkie Pie emerged like a spring daisy. “Were all of you so lucky?”

A flash of sky blue followed right behind Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash played off the unsteady wiggle in her steps. “Pfft, please. It takes effort to down us.”

Applejack, elsewhere, kicked off a slab of compacted earth and pulled Raziel onto his hooves. “I got Raz!”

Casually, Raziel kicked up his back leg and plucked a shivering Spike out of his rib cage. “And I have Spike.”

“And I have got to take two weeks vacation after this…” Spike bemoaned.

Finally, Janos raised his wings and released Rarity and Fluttershy from their hiding place. “Are all of us safe?”

Twilight doublechecked to make sure. “Thankfully, yes.”

“There is no ‘thankfully’ about it,” said Raziel. “This is not its full power. The mad god is throwing a tantrum to assert its authority. No doubt it has some pithy speech prepared about how all of us are a collective thorn in his side. It will belittle us, toss us about for a bit, gloat one final time over our bodies, and then kill us.”

Spike paled. “And then eat out souls.”

Dry as a bone, Kain said, “Good, you’ve already heard. I hate repeating myself.”

“Either way,” Twilight fluffed up her wings and charged her magic. “How do we take him down?”

Janos pleaded, “You don’t! It is a force of nature- of time and space itself! You would as soon ask us to stop the sun in the sky, or-”

Twilight cocked her eyebrow again, but even more sassy this time.

Janos, affronted, took a moment. “… surely you ponies must have some limit.”

Applejack kicked up her hoof and smirked. “Haven’t found it yet.”

Pinkie Pie started saying something, but Twilight caught movement out of the corner of her vision and yelped “TENTACLE!” just before the ponies all bolted. The pillar of ineffable meat slammed into the ground, and the furious monstrosity wailed his frustrations to the heavens.

“YOU WOULD STAND ABOUT AND BANTER WHILE I LOOM BEFORE YOU?!” It raised its limbs to speak with proper grandeur. (Discord dangled limp in one of them, dizzy but conscious.) “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!”

Rainbow itched and pawed at the ground, and sensing a one-liner, Twilight waved a wing in permission. Rainbow launched into the air and shouted. “You won’t be QUIET either!”

“Don’t forget we whupped your cuttlebone in the dream world!” Pinkie Pie hollered. “We’ll do it again! I’m a pescatarian!”

Raziel laughed from the opposite direction, and in that split second the giant squid’s eyes darted back and forth among the three of them, deciding who to focus on. Kain and Twilight met each other’s eyes, nodded, and gave the same command.

“SCATTER!”

Twilight had practice tracking a herd. Janos and Fluttershy flew up. Kain and Raziel paired up and went right. Pinkie and Rarity went left. Applejack and Spike wove in and out of her sight while Rainbow snapped against the tentacle monster like an angry horsefly. She could keep them all in her mind, guessing where they were by knowing their trajectories and their habits. The wild octopus had no such experience, and it was reduced to flailing wildly at all the little moving dots hoping to hit something. She chuckled. Amateur.

“THESE PITIFUL ACTIONS ONLY PROLONG THE INEVITABLE!” It swatted at Rainbow and missed. “YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!”

“UM- Twilight??” Fluttershy fell into Twilight’s slipstream. “Not that I don’t appreciate that this-” They dodged a tentacle with a yelp. “- is keeping us alive, but-!!”

Rainbow flashed by in the other direction. She got to the point quickly. “PLAN!?”

“Working on it!” She couldn’t form a plan with no data, after all. Even as she flew, she was surveying the action, and one thing stuck out to her in particular. Raziel and Kain attacked as a set, Kain commanding Raziel on the field (with whistles, of all things!) so they could strike at the same time from flanking positions. Kain’s hits with the Soul Reaver seemed to bounce back, but Raziel’s strikes landed with tiny flashes of blue magic. Magic against magic might work; Twilight threw her head back to charge a magic bolt.

“YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO-” The beast roared as it was struck in the center by a brilliant violet orb of twinkling light. “AAUGH!”

“Magic hurts him!” Twilight whistled. “Rarity! Janos! Step up!”

Rarity happened to be near Raziel as she heard the call. She laid a gentle hoof against his shoulder. “Raziel darling, be a dear and protect me as I cast?”

The gall of the action struck Raziel so profoundly that he could only give her a withering glance, as if she were a child. He could not keep the sarcasm out of his voice as he answered, “Oh, by all means.”

“Thank you, dear.”

Within a blink, Rarity was an entirely different pony. She planted her hooves, arched her neck, and glowed with a magical power so immense Raziel could feel it prickling his skin like the burning sun. Her horns and eyes glowed, and the ground beneath them wriggled. The wriggling beast could not even draw back its nearest arm before the dust erupted with color. Thousands on thousands of shining gemstones flew like a volley of arrows, planting their needle-sharp tips into its arms and eyes. It shrieked in pain.

(“NOOO!” wailed Spike. “All those good gems!!!”)

Raziel lost his sarcasm. “You must teach me that.”

“Gladly, darling, but let us stay on task.” Rarity drew up another cloud of gem shards. “Shall we brutalize this horrible creature together?”

Raziel pulled from his own magick power. “Yes please.”

He hadn’t used his magicks since arriving in Equestria; he was young, compared to Kain, and had only gained some of these abilities within the last five centuries or so. He worried he wouldn’t be able to use them without his arms, but his worries faded as he unleashed his energies and drew down the raw concentrated power of the sun.

“NO!!!” The beast’s flesh seared and its eyes blinked out of existence to avoid the roasting heat. “YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME!!!”

Up in the air with Janos, Fluttershy winced. “I hate that that smells good…”

Janos hadn’t really considered it before, but now that she had mentioned it, the false god did indeed smell a bit like roasted squid. The fact that his mouth was watering disgusted him. Meekly, he mentioned, “There was no need to acknowledge it…”

Rainbow blasted past them both, sending them into spins. “FIGHT THE MONSTER!!!”

Janos recovered first, giving a quick “sorry!” before blasting (what had previously been) his god with wind magic. It was his strongest technique; one had to be skilled at manipulating the winds when one was a very large flying vampire. At his shoulder, Fluttershy cheered.

“You can do it, Princess! I believe in you!” Fluttershy was barely audible but so very sincere. “Just keep at-”

Down below, Pinkie Pie slammed down her party cannon. “SEASONING SALT!”

There was a great kaboom, and a broad side of the beast turned red with hot pepper and garlic powder.

“… Pinkie’s really not making this any easier, is she?” said Fluttershy.

Janos’ stomach growled. “What I wouldn’t give for a little olive oil…”

All of this, Kain saw.

The spectacle had brought him to a standstill on the battlefield. For nearly his entire existence as a vampire, he had been aware of a shadowy, vague “they” on the edges of his perception, subtly manipulating the time stream and toying with his destiny as the Balance Guardian. He had spent over a millennium tracking its movements via its effects on Nosgoth, never quite laying his claws upon it until Raziel’s horrid sacrifice, and now? After struggling in near complete solitude, sacrificing his empire, his son, and his sanity to bring it low enough to slay… it was being defeated by a gaggle of horses, his son, and a man willingly allowing women to call him “princess”. Even Spike the dragon, the baby dragon, could singe the creature with his tiny green dragonfire. The Soul Reaver was useless against the monster. Without Raziel’s power imbuing the blade, it was only that; a blade.

He could do nothing.

Applejack stood at his side. “We doin’ all right in the non-magic corner?”

“I don’t understand…” Kain watched as Rainbow flew by the creature’s eyes so quickly that the air snapped around her. “This was to be my battle… I alone had the power to vanquish the false god…”

“Now who told you that malarkey? Wait- no.” Applejack cut him off before he could speak. “I’mma take a guess and say there was some kinda prophecy.”

Kain glared. “How have you known everything that has happened to us?”

“Honey, we’ve been heroized and prophecized and taught at a public school- we done seen it all,” Applejack soothed. “And I don’t doubt somebody told you down the line that everything was all your problem to solve all by your lonesome self. Stallions gonna stallion, after all.”

Kain understood the gist of her statement, but egad, the vernacular was nearly impenetrable. “… quite.”

“But ain’t this a little bit better? Just the tiniest bit?” Applejack pointed to the beast. “Everybody pulling together to help instead of doin’ it all alone?”

It was glittering with sharp stones imbedded in its flesh. It was roasted and dusted with herbs. It was flinching under attack from multiple sources, and for once, none of it was Kain’s doing. It was not him railing a solitary campaign against an unseen adversary, twisting Raziel’s arm in a desperate attempt to have him see the light and join him against their oppressor.

They were winning the battle.

Without him.

“It is…” Kain struggled with the words. “… bittersweet.”

“Applejack!!” Twilight soared down from above. “Come on, we’re gonna do the Elements and knock him out for good!”

“YEE-HAW!” Applejack trotted after her princess. “Keep your eyes peeled, sugar Kain! This’s gonna be a DOOZY!”

The Nosgoth natives fell back from the fight, each tucked away into their own solitary corner. The ponies meanwhile (Spike hid behind the limp and dazed Discord) met in a pentagram at the base of the beast. Together, they started to glow.

The Elements of Harmony at work were dazzling. The ponies shined with energy beyond their little mortal bodies, and in that moment, that unity was beautiful. Practiced, effortless, natural, and ethereal, the ponies assembled with Twilight at their center. The beast of Nosgoth recoiled at the sight.

“THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! YOU ARE MORTALS!”

Pinkie Pie corrected incorrectly. “Simulaqua- I mean, PONIES! Ponies who find joy in the worst situations!”

“Ponies who never abandon their friends!” cheered Rainbow.

“Ponies who fight for the weak!” asserted Fluttershy.

“Ponies willing to get hurt for the greater good!” shouted Rarity.

“And that’s the truth!” said Applejack.

“Because that is our greatest power!” Twilight shined bright and rose to the sky. “The Power of Friendship!”

The bright and twisting rainbow of light and magic broke from the sky and blasted down on the false god.

It dispersed harmlessly against its flesh.

“FRIENDSHIP?!”

Twilight said, “What?”

The thing didn’t even have a face, but somehow the realization- and the fury- read clearly across its entire body. “FRIENDSHIP?!?!”

Fluttershy winced. “Maybe we should go back to the seasoning salt-”

Bolstered by anger, the false god drew up and towered to an even greater height. “YOU WOULD DRAW YOUR POWER FROM SOMETHING AS EPHEMERAL AS MORTAL COMPANIONSHIP?! I AM THE HUB OF THE DIVINE WHEEL! I HAVE SIPHONED LIVING ENERGY, TWISTED THE STATES OF MATTER, CROSSED DIMENSIONS, AND SPANNED TIME IMMEMORIAL! I HAVE COMMANDED THE MINDS OF THE MORTALS, STOKED AND FED THEIR ETERNAL CONFLICT, CORRUPTED THEIR NATURAL WORLDS, AND DEVOURED THEIR SOULS IN DEATH! MY POWER IS IMMEASURABLE! I CANNOT BE BROUGHT LOW BY SUCH MEAGER MEANS! MY PATIENCE FOR THIS NONSENSE HAD REACHED ITS END!!”

What the monster pulled from went deeper than magic, darker that shadow, and it rumbled the earth in a terrifying bass note that shook the bones of everyone in Equestria. Whatever it threw was built not to kill, but to erase. Nosgothian might and will and ill intentions against Equestrian magic was a gamble, and distantly, it delighted in knowing what its power would do to a phalanx of pretty little ponies.

Its disappointment was immeasurable as every Nosgoth native present surged forward to protect the little ponies… but Kain reached them first.

There was a long silence following the blast.

Kain came to consciousness from a dark fog. Nothing was broken, nothing was bleeding… but everything ached. His core burned with the familiar prickle of unlocking an Element of Harmony. He was too dazed to think of which one.

His vision came back in increments. The ashen earth was nearly the same color as the ink-black sky. Dust settled in dunes at the edges of the great crater the impact had caused. The stagnant air was scentless, almost sterile, and there wasn’t a sound to be heard. All he could register was the heavy heave of his own breath.

“Oh, Kain… How you have fallen.”

… so he had. Here he lie, at the bottom of a pit wrought by a moment of folly, and his mind was sluggish and bereft. He should have been rallying himself to the fight, calling for Raziel and drawing up the Reaver against his foe.

He could do nothing.

“This land has emasculated you. I have watched as you have steadily lost your sense of self in this pathetic place, letting color and whimsy sap away at what has made you strong. Now you have lost everything, and for what? For the sake of a herd of miniature horses.”

S omewhere above him, the black voice of the elder god tormented him. Quietly, intimately, it voiced the sweet truths that gnarled and twisted around his heart. Had he been his true self, the vampire he was before, then this would never have happened. The freak accident that brought him here would have been a thing of the past. He would have rallied Raziel and Janos, gone back to Nosgoth, slain this beast, and… done something else, he was sure. Instead, he fell into comfort. He drank the tea. Played with the children. Slept in beds with blankets and cushions. Laughed at the strange, bemoaned the petulant, and confounded himself with the various idiosyncrasies.

“ Gaze upon what you have wrought once again, Kain. Just as with Nosgoth, you have ruined everything you have laid your filthy deathless hands upon. Remain there in the dust, watch as I annihilate every thing that you have ever held dear, and know that every attempt you have ever made to best me has been, and will forever be, futile. ”

“Ponies.”

“ What? ”

Kain found the strength to stand and draw the Soul Reaver. “They are my little ponies. And I am not through defending them.”

The great beast drew up a tentacle. “ Oh, but you ar- ”

The tentacle burst in a flash of violet sparkling light.

Kain’s ears swiveled before his head turned. There behind him, covered in ash but otherwise alive, were the ponies. They were all a bit dazed and still grounded- all but Twilight, who had found her hooves and was standing, however diminutive, at Kain’s newly chromatic flank . She drew in a deep wet breath from her nose and expectorated a mouthful of tarry soot. Wiping her mouth clean, she leveled her gaze at the beast. “ I get it now .”

The elder god whipped its limb about until the pain had ceased, then glared at the little purple pest . “ HMM? AND WHAT IS IT THAT YOU GET , PONY ? ”

“ You. You, and how you’ve cultivated Nosgoth. Ever since the beginning.” Twilight took a few steps forward so she and Kain were shoulder to shoulder. “How Nosgoth’s Elements are things you can measure, like space and time, but they’re also things that drive people apart. Death, Conflict, even their own minds, because you can get into minds. You can convince anyone you want that nothing is worth fighting for, because you’re bigger and more powerful than anything else… and that anyone who stands up against you is all alone. Just like Kain. Because it’s easy to take down one little mortal, isn’t it?”

Out in the distance, a plume of green flame shot up from the ash with a wet cough. Spike lived. Kain’s pulse quickened.

“ Except he’s not alone.” Twilight tapped Kain’s shoulder with her wing. “The Nosgothers might be prickly, selfish, aloof, and mean, but they’re our friends.” Twilight charged up her horn. “And I have lots and lots of other friends. ”

A volley of magic, burning and freezing and grand and wild and just a little green, slammed into the back of the beast’s bulk. It recoiled away from the source of its pain.

Standing proud in battle formation were Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, Princess Cadance, Shining Armor, and Janos Audron. Raziel held position at the head of the herd, hooves pawing at the ground, while Spike sat astride his back.

Spike snapped his claws. “Emergency letter to Celestia: check.”

Discord rose from the ashes to sound the bugle. “CHARGE!”

The elder squid flailed and released all of his unearthly might in a hailstorm against the princesses. Not a speck touched them, even as they galloped ahead; Shining Armor summoned a shield of light that surrounded them in an unbreakable orb. Luna sunk into Celestia’s shadow mid-stride and emerged below the beast, uprooting it. Celestia and Raziel double-shot beams of sunlight into its soft underbelly. Janos threw his wings open and buffeted the beast’s sides with cutting gusts of air. Cadance blasted its eyes with dazzling bursts of hearts and stars.

“Twilight?” Rainbow Dash finally returned to full speed. “This is maybe the coolest thing I have seen this year.”

Twilight turned to her girls. “Good to have you back. Sound off: who’s back up to speed?”

She didn’t need to be told twice. Rainbow flew like an arrow back into the fray.

“Oh, I am smartin’,” said Applejack. “But I’m so mad that I’m ready to get back in there anyway.”

“I haven’t been this angry in years!” Fluttershy stomped. “That- that meanie!! If I had known they were being so cruel to all of you, Kain, I would have put them in their place myself!”

Rarity summoned her battle gems. “Once more onto the breach!”

Pinkie Pie loaded up her cannon. “FOR EQUESTRIA!”

But while the girls charged forward, Twilight hung back with Kain. “That all said… I think the only reason we’re still alive is that you had your Honesty moment at the exact right time…”

Kain cast a glance to his flank. Applejack’s particular shade of orange was hard to miss. “That seems the most likely.”

“I can’t really make sense of it…” Twilight watched as the Princess Cavalry bounced the elder god around like an oversized beach ball, but didn’t seem to damage him in any way. “Why does some of our magic work, but the Elements of Harmony didn’t?”

Kain wondered himself. He could only draw from his own experiences and make assumptions, but there was little else to be argued. “Perhaps it cannot be harmed by a power it does not acknowledge. If you were to have come to me in Nosgoth, claiming you were the divine arbiter of friendship, I would have regarded your ravings as madness.”

“But we’ve used the Elements on Discord before. Multiple times! And it’s always-” Well, that said, Discord did eventually make friends with Fluttershy. Discord had the capacity for friendship… maybe this thing really just did not, at all. “Well… maybe you’re onto something. You have magic in Nosgoth, and the sun, and-” She sniffed at the air. “Pepper. But you also don’t have the Elements of Nosgoth to fire at him in a big beam cannon either.”

“For god’s sake, Twilight, they are not Elements, they are-” Kain froze. “… but what if they could be?”

Twilight made the same connection. Kain had already gained powers of the Elements in Equestria- what if her girls could pull from the power of Nosgoth? “There’s not enough of us.”

“There wouldn’t be, normally.” Kain sheathed the Reaver so he could run at full speed. “But there are more of us now.”

“Oh my sweet Celestia, this could work.” Twilight kicked off into the air. “This is crazy, but it could work! BEST OF LUCK, KAIN!”

Kain threw himself into a gallop. “Godspeed, Twilight!”

Twilight soared through the air until she caught up with Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie was her best bet. If anyone was going to cotton onto a weird train of thought, it would be her. “PINKIE! STATUS!”

Pinkie Pie was maybe the only one of the ponies who wasn’t looking tired. In fact, she seemed more bubbly and energetic than before, constantly pulling and tugging at her various doodads and tiny hoofheld cannons. She danced through the danger as if it were raining balloons. “Things are going splendiforously!! I never though I’d get the change to try out all my other theme guns! The Mustard Machine, the Naranjanator, the Mmm-Kay-47, not to mention the BFG- the Brats & Frankfurter Grappler! And I haven’t even gotten started! And I’m not gonna stop until the job’s done!” Pinkie’s eyes flashed in realization, and with a massive gasp of delight, she began to float in the air. “I am a boundless well of ENERGY!”

“YES!” Twilight didn’t even need to nudge her toward it! “ATTA GIRL, PINKIE!”

The tentacle monster immediately protested, wiping weenie juice out of its eye. “NO! NO!!! THAT IS NOT WHAT THAT MEANS!!!”

“Who’s to say it isn’t, you naughty nudibranch?!” Pinkie fired back. “Energy is the unseen power locked inside hard matter! It cannot be created or destroyed! It can only be directed, and who better to control a massive amount of untapped energy than good ol’ PINKIE PIE!”

“Oh dip!!! Is this what I think it means?!” Rainbow Dash met Kain on the battlefield and landed with a heavy thump. “Do I get a cool new element?! Will I be able to kick twice as much butt now?!”

Kain grinned wide enough to show his fangs. “I know exactly who you are. And you do as well! Listen to the voice inside of you!”

“The cool one?!” Rainbow’s eyes shined bright in equal parts radiant magic and bloodlust. “The one that tells me to start biting when kicking isn’t working?! The one that feels kinda good after getting the snot kicked out of me?!”

“Become the bane of all your foes!” Kain hadn’t felt this vivified by battle since the early days of the empire! “Go forth, Element of Conflict!”

Rainbow took off in a beam of color. “YEEEES!!”

“THIS IS TRICKERY!” The Wheel of Fate struggled to stay upright under the onslaught. “YOU CANNOT PROCLAIM YOURSELF GUARDIANS WITH SUCH IMPUNITY!”

Applejack began to glow. “We ain’t Guardians, we’re Elements! ‘Course, if you were thinkin’ straight, you’da figured that out.”

Twilight danced through the air. “Sound logical Mind!”

“NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT!” The beast beat and thrashed against the ground, equal parts raging beast and tantrum-throwing child. “YOU ARE CONTORTING THE FABRIC OF REALITY!”

“And you know what’s funny?! You did it first!” Twilight soared high. “And you’re STILL losing! You think you can make up a bunch of abritary rules and call it the truth! News flash: we can turn it all right back around on you and STILL have friendship win!”

“EXACTLY!” Rainbow Dash shined bright. “After all, Conflicts lead to resolution!”

“Energy resolves into peace!” said Pinkie.

“A calm Mind sees through manipulation!” said Applejack.

Bolstered by the herd, Rarity had an epiphany. “We can shape our own Dimensions-”

“-and reflect on our Nature,” continued Fluttershy.

Celestia and Luna began to glow. Celestia held her horn aloft. “But true friendship lasts-”

“-and grows-” Luna mirrored her posture.

Janos completed the trifecta with a burst of his own power. “With Time!”

Power began to flow between the ponies, caging the beast into an inescapable central point. Its flailing landed on nothing, its blows harmless as if it were merely an illusion. “NOOO!”

Raziel rose into the air. “It transcends Death!”

“And alters States! In this Balance is Friendship!” Twilight shouted.

Kain had never felt a sensation like this before. He was floating, but heavy, grounded but ephemeral, everywhere and nowhere in the grand network of dimensions, time, and space. He was all things at once, powerful and hopeless, the mightiest creature in existence at the whims of whatever might take him. “And Friendship… is MAGIC!”

The ripple of their combined power could be felt throughout all of Equestria and farther, deep into the core of the earth and past the ripples of the aether. It was a wave not of chaos and destruction, but life and color and air and rejuvenation. When Kain came back to awareness of his body, it was not to a blasted heath, but a green meadow of flowers and grass and a blue, clean, clear sky. It was water rushing through rivers to the east, and clouds forming in the west. It was the chirping of birds and the cries of insects, and the smell of it was sweet and wet to his parched throat.

Kain brought his hands to his cheeks and felt the hard lines of his horns and ears, and the severe hook of his nose. He was himself again… he was free… They had won, together, all of them.

Unless he was dead.

Then again, if he was dead, then surely he did not deserve some eternal reward for his past behavior. If he was dead, he should have been in Hell.

The bright light of the mass spell faded. The scenery around him was not too different from Equestria, but he could sense that he had returned to Nosgoth. He just needed some manner of proof.

“Oh… that’s… weird. Why are we not in Equestria?” asked Twilight.

Ah, there was Twilight. He was alive (or he was in Hell, he had yet to determine). He turned to track the sound of her voice, which was coming from somewhere behind him. “I was about to ask you the same- … well.”

It seemed the body transmogrification worked both ways.

Twilight stood before him as a winged Hylden.

Chapter Text

Twilight had to admit: she preferred being whatever this was to being a human.

This body was just kind of better than human ones. Her legs were more like her pony legs, she had less fingers to keep track of, and it was innately magical. She even had a horn, sort of, although it was more of a triceratops crest than a unicorn horn. She gave her outfit a quick look and found it just fine; another skirt and top combo just like in the human world, just with no shoes so her cloven hooves could touch the ground. All in all? Better. Much better.

“Kain!” Janos rose from the dirt back in what Twilight assumed was his original shape. “Kain, my hands!! We’re back in-” Then Janos saw her and nearly went powder blue in shock. “Oh dear heavens!!”

“Why are you both reacting like that?” asked Twilight.

Kain approached, and Twilight was very quickly dwarfed by the oddly huge pony-dragon-man. She thought maybe his Equestria body was just the result of being… whatever he was, but no, apparently he was just that big in his home dimension too. Then Janos joined them and Twilight saw he was even bigger. She nearly missed Kain’s answer just being distracted by their height. “Because, Twilight, you have assumed the form of an extinct species.”

Again, she was accidentally accurate in comparing herself to a dinosaur. “Well, that’s a new one.”

Kain spoke to Janos. “Finally, something surprises the woman.”

“I had thought they were small because they were ponies,” Janos spoke over her. “But they’re so petite. I could put my hands around her waist and they would touch-”

Raziel manifest behind her in a pocket of spectral energy, glaring at the other two men. “You could do the same with me, and my height is perfectly respectable.”

“Hey, Raz!” It was true! Raziel was exactly her height, and his “waist” was nearly thin enough to put her hands around. She knew she had seen he had two spines! Vampires were so weird. “So is everybody okay? You’re all alive?”

Raziel cocked an eyebrow at her. “’Alive’ being a relative term.”

“Oh, you know what I mean.”

Rainbow’s voice shouted out from somewhere to her left. “GIRLS, I HEAR THEM IN HERE! I THINK THEY FELL IN THE HOLE!”

Lead by Rainbow’s voice, the four of them discovered a pit the size of a house bored at an angle straight through the ground. It was odd in a few ways, such as its smooth edges and perfectly circular edges, the fact that grass grew into it along the “walls” instead of being lined with dirt, and finally that a blue sky was visible where the hole impossibly “ended” a few hundred steps away. Rainbow’s little head popped over the edge of the other side and waved. “Found ‘em! Hey, why you look like that?”

Twilight shouted back. “Other dimension! This is Nosgoth!”

Celestia’s face quickly joined Rainbow Dash’s. “Oh my! I’ve never seen a dimensional portal this stable before.”

Rainbow set her hooves. “Fish outta water!”

“No wait Rainbow don’t-!!”

Rainbow the pony jumped in at full flying speed.

Rainbow the winged vampire landed face-first into the grass in a messy heap.

Kain and the other vampires laughed so hard they fell to their knees. It only got worse when Applejack came through and tried walking on her hands and feet, and then again when Rarity did her best to walk on two legs and immediately dropped backwards. By the time Fluttershy took her first trembling steps, they were nearly faint. Twilight helped all of her girls back onto their feet and took note of who was what- she and Rarity were the dinosaur-heads (though Rarity had no wings, only bone spurs), Fluttershy and Rainbow were winged vampires, and Applejack and Pinkie Pie were normal humans.

Applejack grumped, “Where do you and the pegasii get off bein’ taller than us?”

“Don’t ask me.” Twilight pointed to the laughing vamps. “I think it’s a species thing.”

Celestia and Luna had no such troubles. They walked calmly into Nosgoth as shining, statuesque winged dinosaur-heads, their posture only faltering when they shifted from Equestria’s ground to Nosgoth’s. Twilight assumed it was due to Equestria’s “ground” and Nosgoth’s “ground”, not to mention the transitional tunnel, being at odd angles to each other. Celestia took in the sights of Nosgoth. “Mm… what a lovely place. The grass looks delicious here.”

Kain was slightly off-color, rubbed with grass stains from falling over laughing, and had bits of leaves and soil in his hair. Twilight had never seen him happier. He used Raziel as a handlebar to stand himself up. “Ahaha… I wouldn’t know.”

Janos announced proudly. “It depends on the grass!”

Fluttershy’s feathers ruffled with joy. “Oh! Like Timothy grass and fescue?”

Janos giggled. “No, I meant rye and barley! Good heavens, even in these bodies, you are still ponies…”

“Just like you never stopped being vampires!” Twilight pointed out. “Okay, hang on, let me do roll call again. Girls!”

The Elements of Harmony and the back-up Elements of Nosgoth all sounded off.

“Spike?”

“Just a minute!”

Spike waddled on through the hole to Equestria completely unchanged, as did Discord and a few scattered Nosgoth ghosts. Spike was holding a snowglobe, and he immediately glared up at all the various transmogrified ponies and vampires. He only came up to their knees. “Now this just isn’t fair.”

Applejack pointed out, “You can fly!”

Spike’s wings had stayed tucked out of the way for most of the adventure, and they stayed there as he argued, “I feel bad for Raziel! I didn’t want to fly around if he can’t.”

Kain, mock-hurt, laid a hand upon his heart. “I have been rejected. Never again shall I bear him upon my back.”

“Oh, both of you hush.” Discord plucked Spike off the ground and dropped him onto Kain’s shoulder. “None of you noticed my thoughtful going-away present?”

“Oh, we noticed.” Twilight took the snowglobe. It wasn’t the simulaquarium, but a new one with a tiny model of the field they were currently in. Floating in the water was a little gray blob with a single eye and a tiny tentacle, almost a tadpole and sort of a euglena. “Wow… this is them? We really knocked the stuffing out of it.”

“Let me see.” Raziel took the globe, contemplating the little beast… and then shook it with every ounce of his might. The tiny tiny god inside wailed in terror, but its voice was quiet and small.

“My turn,” said Janos.

“No me!” said Fluttershy.

Discord took the globe back. “Just wait! Let me exposit! THIS little tank should hold the thing forever, lest you decide to release it. He’ll follow goldfish rules in here and not get any bigger.”

Twilight and Fluttershy both started an explanation about how goldfish only growing to fit their tank was an urban legend, but no one listened. Kain instead took the globe from Discord and studied the tiny monster. “You felt it deserved such mercy?”

Discord posed proudly. “I was once a mad god bent on destroying an entire reality, and I learned my lesson. Eventually, someone will be their friend. It just doesn’t have to be you.”

Kain held the globe upside down and watched the little cell swirl. “Indeed it does not.”

“Getting distracted!” Twilight resumed roll call. “Ghosts?”

“They are making their way through,” said Luna. “A few are taking their time; they have enjoyed Equestria.”

Ariel passed through the portal, visibly dazed. It was a lot to take in at once; the Elements of Nosgoth, the defeat of the mad god, Kain laughing… Her view of the world had been turned on its head. She did not raise her eyes to the vampires, as her behavior over the last few days had still shamed her quite a bit, but she was indeed noticed.

“Need a minute, Ariel?” asked Twilight.

“A few minutes, yes,” was all she said.

“You know where to find us,” said Raziel.

“Thank you…” she was off to walk Nosgoth a while. She needed time to think.

(Meanwhile, Moebius snuck through the ground and out into the woods at the edge of the field. He had barely escaped with his unlife once again, and for the love of Nosgoth, he was determined to never be anywhere near those vampires again. What little peace he could find, he would find elsewhere!)

Celestia took a moment to survey the portal, and she waved Kain over to her side. “Mr. Kain, pleasure to meet you in person.”

“Princess Celestia, I take it.” He took the hand she daintly offered, and while etiquette demanded it be kissed, he could not bring himself to do it. He laid her hand against his crest instead, in supplication. “I still do not understand why you are not a queen.”

“A queen rules an empire,” Celestia explained. “A princess serves her people. Which is why I need your insight- this portal cannot be left unattended.”

“Oh but it can,” said Kain. “But only with a door.”

“Two doors,” Celestia agreed. “Nice big heavy ones, for each side.”

Pinkie Pie sprouted between them. “OH, and to open it you need to push around the stone blocks in front of them so their picture matches the ones on the Equestria side and then you need to bring a BIG SHIELD to turn on the wind machine-!!!”

Raziel pounced on her from behind and wrestled her away from the royalty. “NO! For god’s sake no, you are NOT to put ideas in their heads-!”

“DOGPILE!” Rainbow jumped onto the two from above.

Celestia and Kain just watched the three tussle for a while, calmly satisfied while the “children” played.

“I’m thinking a combination lock,” said Celestia.

“With duplicate keys made,” said Kain. “To be safe.”

They meandered in the field until the sun grew red. It was nothing of note, simply chatting and playing in borrowed bodies until the ponies were exhausted. Luna assigned guards to the Nosgoth portal for night shift and vowed to have the great steel doors begin construction tomorrow. Steadily, the ponies began their march back to Equestria with their final thoughts on their mind.

“Hey, so when you kept saying we’d make good vampires, what did that mean?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“It is different for every vampire,” said Raziel. “For me, it means that you are fierce and temperamental, but also loyal.”

Janos thought aloud, “I suppose I look for the philosophical and calm…”

Kain cut to the quick of it. “In any case, it means that if were up to us, we would keep you in our presence for eternity.”

“That’s the most badass way to say that we’re BFFs I’ve ever heard,” Rainbow assessed. “’I like you so much, I would raise you from the dead’? Awesome!”

Fluttershy held Janos’ hands as they parted. “If you ever want to come to Equestria, then you can stay at my house. I know we didn’t get to talk much, but you seem so nice.”

Janos smiled, even as Discord glared at him from over Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Oh, but of course! And always, you are welcome in Nosgoth.”

“If you ever want an outfit made, Raziel, just come find me,” said Rarity. “You really do have good bones, and I have such ideas for veils and headscarves that would make an amazing ensemble.”

“Is this pretense for you to place your hands all over me?” Raziel teased.

“Perish the thought!” Rarity let that silence hang for a moment before she whispered. “But… if you could plant a little seed in Janos’ ear…”

Kain pondered Applejack a moment. “I must survey the lands and see if there is need of it, but surely a recovering world would be in need of a steady supply of food.”

“Why sugar Kain, you can’t be makin’ me a deal on a huge untapped market of potential customers just because you know me personally,” said Applejack, the sarcasm in her voice so thick it nearly overrode her accent. “Why that’d be downright unethical.”

Kain smirked. “So we are not interested, are we?”

“Get me a bid within two months and I’ll start stockin’ up seedlings and cider,” said Applejack. “I don’t just want money, I want land rights and distribution networks. You an’ me are gonna make bank.”

“HUGS!” Pinkie Pie flew over the crowd, hugging everyone whether they were a Nosgoth native or not. “BIG HUGS! Little hugs! BONY HUGS!” Pinkie squeezed Raziel especially tight. “I’m gonna miss you SO MUCH! I’m gonna get back to Equestria and cry! You need to write us every day!”

Raziel admitted, “The only word I know how to write is ‘Cheerilee’.”

“Well then I’M gonna write you every day, and you’re gonna learn!!”

Spike simply took his spot on Kain’s shoulder again and hugged the side of his head. “Thanks for letting me ride on your back so much.”

Kain plucked the dragon from his shoulder and held him to his heart for a proper, if very small, embrace. “I thank you for your patience.”

“Anytime, bro.” Spike spoke calmly, but the sadness was there in his eyes. “Us dragons gotta stick together.”

Twilight was one of the last to leave. She and Spike hung behind while the others went home, and when she was sure of their privacy, she opened her arms for a hug. Raziel dove in first.

“Thanks for everything, guys.” Next was Janos, who only held her shoulders with his arms but hugged her fully with his wings. “That was a lot of fun. A lot of lost sleep and property damage, but a lot of fun.”

“I hope you come visit soon,” said Spike. Raziel playfully stuffed the dragon under his cloak, and he had to poke his head out to speak unmuffled. “What are we thinking, a month? Two months?”

Kain admitted frankly. “A month, at minimum. I am going back to my grave to sleep.”

Twilight paused at Kain, because he honestly didn’t seem the huggy type. She offered her hands instead, and he took both of them. “You’ve earned it. Thank you for being a friend.”

Kain smiled at her. “Thank you, for being mine.”

He did pull her in for a hug, and even though it was short and light, it felt like the world in that moment. Twilight scooped Spike up onto her back and waved before walking back home through the Equestria portal.

Alone at last, Janos asked the question that had been on his mind all afternoon. “How did you get your trousers back, Kain?”

Kain… stalled. His hand went to his hip, and yes, he was wearing his leather trousers. He hadn’t had them in Equestria at all. “… I’m not sure.”

“Well all of the ponies were clothed when they came through,” said Raziel. “And none of them were in Equestria.”

“Magic is a strange thing…” Janos shrugged. “I wonder if Kain still has that mark on his thigh.”

Kain grimaced at the thought. “Raziel never got a mark. You never got a mark.”

Raziel stood proud. “My destiny is my own. I have no need for a sigil on my arse to proclaim my worth to the world.”

“I don’t actually know if I…” Janos adjusted his robe just enough to pull aside his belt and check his leg. By the speed at which he flinched back from the sight, he had found something. “Oh good heavens, I do!!!”

“HA!” Raziel reached for Janos. “Show me! What is it?”

Janos shrunk back. “Excuse you!! I will not disrobe for your amusement!”

Kain sighed. “I’m going to bed. Wake me in a fortnight.”

“You said a month,” quoted Raziel.

“Do you think I want to wake from my nap and immediately return to Equestria?! We’ve just reclaimed Nosgoth!” Kain waved a hand to his kingdom. “Let us bask in our victory first! Not to mention, I have itched ever since I lost my hands.”

The statement made Raziel and Janos both wince.

“I have been being polite about it…” said Janos.

“A fortnight,” Raziel agreed.

Thus they parted ways. Kain made his swift way back to his family grave, the one place in Nosgoth where he felt truly at rest. He washed himself with oil and salt, he brushed his hair, he scratched everywhere that he itched just for good measure, and he prepared to spend the next half a month blissfully tucked into the cool humid grave he called home. For his own comfort, he slept naked, partially for the relief… and partially to keep an eye on his flank.

That damned rainbow Balance Emblem was still there, and he hoped by the time he awoke, it would have worn off.

If not, he would have to go back and ask Twilight about how to be rid of it.