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Many things did Astaroth know.
She still had so much knowledge and wisdom in abundance. However, everything had a different view, now that she was a demon.
But if there was one thing that had never changed, then it was her willingness to lend an ear and good counsel to those who asked.
Even if the person asking for it was someone she disliked. Like the brunet, bespectacled Archangel currently sitting in front of her.
After they had finished watching The Exorcist (that movie was so dumb and inaccurate, it was actually amusing) and Asmodeus and Lilith had gone to bed, the little healer had pulled her to the side and asked her for a serious talk.
Now she was sitting at the table, tapping her notepad and fiddling around with her ballpoint, while he was busying himself at the kitchen counter.
“Do you want something? Water? Juice? Coffee? Tea?”, he offered.
Astaroth wrote her order down and handed him the note with an amiable smile.
Raphael took it and read out loud: “'I want a venti, sugar-free, non-fat, vanilla soy double shot, decaf, no foam, extra hot peppermint white chocolate moccha with light whip and extra syrup.' Are you serious?!”
She shot him a sassy grin.
His disgruntled face gave away, that he was thinking of her as a Karen, nevertheless she got her coffee without further complaint.
For himself the Archangel made some tea, before he joined her at the table.
However, the Archduchess didn't deem the kitchen a good enough place to talk (seriously, what was he thinking, she had standards!) and made her way back to the living room.
The brunet followed after.
Astaroth sprawled herself all over the couch like a cat, while Raphael sat on the armrest.
Then there was some tense silence, as the Princess of Calumny waited for the Healing Archangel to speak. Except that now that she was listening, it seemed like the cat had got his tongue.
“I … I don't know where to start”, he mumbled sheepishly.
The Archdemon raised a brow and asked, if she could begin instead.
“Sure”, Raphael replied and miracled up a notepad and ballpoint of his own.
Then he signed in Angelic sign language: “What should I not say or do?”
“Don't call me Ashtoreth. It offends me.”
The Archangel nodded.
So she signed her first question: “Why do you live here?”
“The apartment building, where I lived, burned down. Asmodeus lets me live here, as long as I keep xyr flat clean and tidy and do all the chores xe can't do.”
That answer was too vague; she clicked her tongue in dissatisfaction.
He sighed, but elaborated: “Xe said it's to make up for hiding the truth from me for six thousand years and that it was the least xe could do. One hand washes the other, xe said.”
More like the only reasons Asmodeus had been willing to name, but Astaroth decided to keep that point for later.
“What happens, when you two are alone?”, she signed.
After all, he and Asmodeus had said, that they had fucked only once (much to xyr regret). Which raised the question, what the Heavens was going on between them, if they weren't banging. Especially since Asmodeus had boasted to her in private, that the Archangel had been fantastic in bed.
Raphael arched an eyebrow at the question and responded: “Nothing out of the ordinary. Xe flirts and gets a bit handsy sometimes, but that's just Asmodeus being Asmodeus. Other than that xe just treats me as a lodger.”
Astaroth snorted – just a lodger, right! The sexual and romantic tension between the Archangel and the Prince of Lust was ludicrously tangible! And xe had already tempted him to sin, so where was the point in holding back now?
The little healer scowled at her with a 'What's so funny'-look.
She signed: “You already have allowed my sibling in your bed. What harm is there in doing it again?”
For some reason the suggestion made the Archangel so angry, that he spat: “Okay, just because xe tempted me to lust once, doesn't mean it's my hobby now! What do you think I am, xyr plaything?! Someone to sate xyr lust for the flesh, in exchange for a roof over my head?!”
Astaroth put a finger to her mouth and shushed him gently.
Raphael sighed and apologised.
Once she was sure he had cooled down enough, she signed: “I didn't say that. I just meant, why not have that kind of fun once in a while? Didn't you confirm earlier, that both you and Asmodeus had an amazing time? You said that if you weren't an Angel already, it would have felt like you'd gone to Heaven for a bit.”
He wrote back: “Of course. But … I don't know, I guess I'm just not that sexual. I'd be up to it once in a while, but not often.”
Oh.
He was asexual.
Seemed like the one Archangel who had given into lust had decided that it wasn't really his thing, regardless of how enjoyable it might have been.
Such a shame.
Astaroth knew from experience, that this wasn't an Angel thing.
Most Angels simply hid behind their vows of chastity. But as the Watchers had too severely proven, the celibacy thing was a sham.
“Do you regret it?”, she signed.
He faltered and Astaroth tilted her head in confusion. He didn't know?! How could the Archangel not know, whether he regretted having slept with a demon or not?
Raphael responded, telepathically this time: “Sleeping with Asmodeus was my decision. I wasn't deceived or manipulated. I'm not proud of what I've done, but I'll take full responsibility for my actions. Even if sex isn't really my thing now, being with Asmodeus, being so close to xyr, felt right. That's why I can't lift my eyes to the Heavens, let alone show my face up there, and beg The Name for forgiveness. It would feel like I'm lying to His face. I could never do that.”
Oh. So that was the problem.
Raphael wasn't ashamed of having given himself to Asmodeus. He was ashamed, that what he had done didn't feel wrong to him, that he wasn't crippled by remorse for his actions.
She smiled in understanding.
That seemed to encouraged him to go on: “Of course it wasn't my plan to get the Prince of Lust into my bed, but my original plan did work out in the process. Did you learn it from Asmodeus, or were you uninformed until earlier today?”
She signed that it was the latter and added: “I still can't believe your plan actually worked, but it explains a lot. I was wondering, why xe isn't scared of water anymore. And from there things got sexual really quick, right?”
He shook his head.
That was interesting.
She wanted to know more.
Raphael's face fell and for a minute he seemed to debate with himself, whether he could tell her or not. In the end he seemed to decided, that he could.
What he signed admittedly disturbed her a bit: “We talked about an incident, where someone had tried to assault me and I'd cursed the guy with leprosy, right before Asmodeus' eyes. I still can't believe I lashed out like that. I'm a healer. I'm supposed to be kind and helpful. Not that.”
When he hung his head, the former goddess pursed her lips.
Really, this little healer was fussing too much over punishing a creep, who more than deserved for his extremities to rot.
She put a hand on his shoulder and clicked her tongue to make him look up.
“You say, what you did was cruel. Was it really?”, she signed. “Consider this: that man wanted to rape you and might have succeeded, if you were human. The mental scars and self-loathing that would have left you with are far worse than the guilt you feel now. Asmodeus and I know that better than anyone. Besides, xe was there. Had you done nothing, xe would have eviscerated him.”
With a weak smile, Raphael signed: “I know.”
Astaroth grinned and signed: “And what is a little punitive miracle, compared to what I would've done! Wanna hear?”
He clearly didn't, but knew she'd tell him anyway, and nodded. Smart kid.
Her grin widened and she proceeded to regale him with tales of her glory days.
“I smote a mountain, because its beauty offended me¹”, she signed.
Raphael gave her an underwhelmed look and mouthed: Really?
Astaroth nodded and went on: “I gave a man a deadly disease, because he had thrown a bull thigh at me. Another raped me in my sleep. While hunting him down, I unleashed plagues and storms and turned water into blood, until I found and killed him. Another time, I turned a woman into a water skin for murdering my mortal lover. A few Earthly decades later, I was held captive by Samael. After some negotiation with my twin, she let me go, on the condition, that I found a replacement. I returned to find my servants and friends mourning for me. But my mortal consort was sitting on my throne, dressed to the nines and clearly not caring that I'd been imprisoned in the underworld. I let Samael's henchmen take him.”² She sighed and added: “And to think I wanted to make him immortal. Guess I dodged a bullet.”
The little healer frowned. “I'm sorry that happened to you”, he told her. “I don't know what I'd do, if I came home from such an ordeal, only to find my partner partying it up. Not that I want to ever find out. The partner I've had ran off on me to join her brother's rebellion and is now my enemy.”
Right. He and Asmodeus had a lot of experience in breaking one another's heart, didn't they?
“I wish I could just quit romantic love”, he signed, “Be detached and pure, like Angels are supposed to be.”
“Cutting off your emotions and building walls around yourself won't make you stronger. It's not helping Lucifer and it won't help you.”
“I know, but it hurts so much. How does Asmodeus deal with this?”
She considered for a little, before answering: “Xe had a long time to learn to live with the pain. So have Lucifer and I, though we deal with it differently. He tries to kill whatever attachment he feels. I simply outgrew mine. Love isn't for me anymore.”
“But you love your siblings, right?”, Raphael signed with a hopeful look.
She smiled and nodded. Of course she loved them.
“Now”, the Archduchess signed, “tell me how you feel about Asmodeus. I'm xyr older sister, so I want to know.”
Of course she already knew. But she wanted him to say it, even if just to test his awareness.
He obliged: “I hate xyr for being so arrogant, cruel and vicious and for taunting me all the time. Xe is such an unapologetic arsehole, it ticks me off.”
She arched an eyebrow: But?
“On the other hand xe's a constant in my life”, he went on. “For better or worse, xe's there. Xe helps me see things from different perspectives and make sense of things I couldn't on my own. When I need someone to confide in about things I couldn't talk about with anyone else, xe listens and understands. I really appreciate that and want to do the same for xyr. And I never want xyr to disappear from my life – it would be be missing a huge part, if xe did. Like a part of my soul would be gone. I don't think I could live like that.”
The demoness smiled.
That confirmed the observation that had caused her and Archangel Michael to exchange knowing smiles earlier. What he had sensed and she had seen.
You love xyr.
Raphael smiled back bitterly and nodded.
“And xe?”, he asked. “I know and understand where xyr hatred is coming from. But what about the love part? Asmodeus refuses to answer that question. Can you do that?”
The Archduchess pitied him.
She could see, how tired he was of being kept in the dark about things that involved him. So she decided to enlighten him. Asmodeus wouldn't appreciate, if she told xyr “beloved nemesis” everything, but xe'd have to suck it up, because he did have the right to know.
“It's neither simple, nor pretty”, she signed.
Raphael nodded, obviously relieved, that she was willing to educate him on the matter.
Knowing he wouldn't understand all of her signs, she wrote it on notes.
“To say Yehudiel took your retrograde amnesia poorly would be an understatement. She was completely shattered for decades. She holed herself up in her rooms and refused to see anyone, even us, her older siblings. That really fucked us up, especially Lucifer, because he felt her misery, but didn't know the cause. He was the first our sister opened up to. It was awful. She cried and cried and we hated you. I probably still would, had I not realised, that it was God's doing – and karma, since she broke your heart first. Asmodeus knows that too, but it doesn't undo the damage that's been done. It doesn't make the hurt go away.”
Raphael clearly understood, but she could tell that what he read was making him miserable. Good. That was the least he could feel for hurting her sibling.
Astaroth signed: “I resent God for some things, but not for making most of you and us forget. It's a mercy that they don't remember and part of our punishment, that we do. But it's unjust, that Asmodeus had to remember everything and you didn't.”
The Archangel bit his lip.
Astaroth sighed and scribbled another note: “You saw how wary Lucifer was of you earlier. But you should've seen him after she had confided in us. His rage made him unstable, his powers went haywire and Hell was plunged into extreme ice storms and blizzards for Earthly centuries. Millions of demons died during the Frozen Hell, the rest were evacuated to Earth by Satan, until Lucifer had calmed down. Suffice to say, we don't like to talk about it. Especially Lucifer himself.”
“Understandable”, he signed at her. “And Yeh- I mean, Aeshma?”
She wrote: “When she saw how unstable he was, she forced herself to calm down, so he could do the same. He's an empath, you see. What others feel, he feels with the same intensity, sometimes even worse. It took him ages to learn how to filter out emotions of others, so he wouldn't permanently suffer alien pains. But he's still prone to empathic distress fatigue and sensory overload. Don't tell anyone I told you this. Lucifer would skin me.”
.
Meanwhile in Hell, Lucifer shuddered out of the blue.
“What's up?”, asked Satan.
“My 'Astaroth is whistleblowing again' sense is tingling!”, Lucifer hissed. “I'll skin her!”
.
Raphael signed: “But what does that have to do with-?”
The Archduchess grabbed his hands to shut him up, then let go and signed: “Aeshma was already in a bad place back then, both figuratively and literally. Asmodeus' fury earlier, when Mammon informed xyr of Amaymon's escape? It's because of what he did.”
The Archangel nodded grimly: “Yes. I know what he did. Asmodeus explained everything to me, after having recovered from the fact, that tempting me to lust hadn't made me fall from Grace.”
Astaroth was puzzled; Asmodeus never talked about Amaymon.
Raphael seemed to notice and explained to her what had happened after Asmodeus had discovered, that xe had failed to make him fall from Grace: a full-on breakdown, entailing six hours of nonstop crying, another twelve hours of dissociation, until finally, after Raphael had put xyr to bed, xe had finally opened xyr mouth again.
“… Xe started off with the revelation, that xyr own first time hadn't been consensual on xyr part. And then xe talked about him.”
His brown eyes reverted to green and flared up like little green suns.
Wrath.
How interesting.
Astaroth couldn't remember the last time she had seen an Angel incensed on a demon's behalf. But she made no comment about it and went back to her account.
“Amaymon was one of the few Hellborn at the time; he is a direct son of Satan and extremely powerful. At the time, Yehudiel was weakened from the Fall, so he took advantage and ruined her. And then he had the nerve to tell us and her, that he 'loved' her and wanted to protect her. And she was too ashamed and scared to say anything.” She dug her fingers into her jeans and growled at the memory. “Being an empath and her older brother, Lucifer got suspicious quickly, so he tailed them.”
The Archangel signed: “Yes, Asmodeus told me the whole thing. But what happened then? Xe left that part out.”
Astaroth explained: “After having dealt with Amaymon, Lucifer realised he needed to protect Yehudiel. He couldn't think of a better way than to make her his queen and Yehudiel accepted his proposal. That was also, when she changed her name to Aeshma.”
“… He married his sister.”
She nodded.
“Is … is that normal in Hell?”
She snickered voicelessly and shook her head. “Of course not. But if that disturbs you, how bad was it, when you learned about Asmodeus fucking Beelzebub? Why does it shock you anyway? We're demons, Lucifer is the Devil! To do the unspeakable is our thing!”
He glared at her, which made her snicker even more.
Once she had caught herself, she continued: “They divorced, when their kids came of age. A few decades later, she murdered and supplanted the original Prince of Lust, became a he and gave himself a new name.”
“Ashmedai, King of Demons.” Raphael sighed: “But at what point did he fall for me? You still haven't answered that question.”
She rolled her eyes at his impatience and gave him a hint.
At first he seemed confused, but then he stopped short.
Then his eyes widened.
The Princess of Calumny could practically hear everything fall into place in his head, as he pitpointed the exact moment, when his nemesis must have fallen for him anew.
“Oh”, he breathed out. And blushed golden, much to Astaroth's amusement.
“And you?”, she signed.
Raphael blushed harder, as if falling in love was the most embarrassing thing in the world.
“I … don't actually know, when I developed these feelings. Only when I realised I had them.”
“I'll take that”, she accommodated him.
He swallowed, like the memory was uncomfortable.
She gave him another encouraging smile, he took a deep breath and finally thought his answer.
And how surprising it was. How very intriguing.
“You're an odd one, Raphael”, she signed.
“I get that a lot”, he signed back. “That and that I'm way too sentimental.”
“They're not wrong”, she signed, “You're more emotional than is good for you.”
He chuckled: “That's what Asmodeus keeps saying. But xe also has praised me for not being gullible.”
“Yes, you have a good head on your shoulders”, Astaroth admitted. “And quite the backbone, I must say. To sass my twin-brother to his face like you did.”
The Healer blushed again and signed: “Yes, pretty dumb on my part. But in my defence, I was very high-strung earlier.”
She nodded understandingly. “Of course. And who could blame you? I know my brother doesn't, despite his resentment for you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. He wouldn't have tolerated your attitude otherwise.”
“Good to know. Hey, uhm, I have one last question and then I'll be out of your hair. Do you …”, he hesitated, “… think I can make things better? Between Asmodeus and me, I mean.”
The Evening Star pondered.
While she was tempted to say 'only time will tell', it wasn't the truth. She knew the answer. And this strange little Archangel deserved to know it too.
Astaroth smiled and nodded.