Chapter Text
Now, An’s watched many of Kohane’s little performances before in Weekend Garage. On occasion Ken makes them get up on stage now and then to practice performing in front of crowds at random. At first for Kohane this was a daunting task, but overtime she got used to it, willingly throwing herself onto the stage alongside a fellow member of the team. Big or small, a crowd a crowd, and their goal was to make that audience feel enveloped and energised by the sound of their music. Of course by now; all of VBS could handle a crowd. Crowds so big the people in the back row where a blur (which is not really that big, but you get the point, an amount of people that would overwhelm an amateur). These occasions became less of a stressful spontaneous hurdle (at least for Kohane) to jump over and more of a walk in the park.
Onto the main point, Kohane took the stage in her usual fashion, greeting the audience with a smile and wave, her polite yet energised tone made for easy conversation and synergy with the audience. When A first met Kohane, the thought of her being so casual as they appear now was foreign concept. An recalled how the young timid Kohane used to present herself. So unsure of the life ahead of her, scared to even hold the microphone at first. But overtime she has become this amazing confident bubbly girl, despite everything as well, she is still sweet and timid at times. Back to the performance!
This one felt little different, different in a way An couldn’t begin to describe, but of course she did not know that yet, so let me tell you exactly how Kohane’s singing awakened buried feelings that An tried to keep secret (poorly, but she tried, cut her some slack):
She could remember it so vividly, sitting on one of the bar stools looking over at Kohane, giving her a thumbs up as she began to sing. Turning around to face her father, Ken, who was busy drying some glasses at the sink.
“An, I’m not going to make you a drink” Ken spoke, pretty much the moment she turned to face him. Sighing heavily, she got up and whisked herself around the other side of the bar. Now standing next to her father, he looked over at her to continue what he was saying at a lowered volume.“Shouldn’t you be up there watching Kohane sing? You love hearing her sing-”
“I know I do; love is a little uh-” An’s voice started to trail off into a quiet mumble. Love was a strong word, and of course she has said it to Kohane before, cause of course she does love her! But the word itself still felt strong; serious and a bit scary to An. Picking up a freshly washed glass, drops of lukewarm tap water dripping down the side, the warm feeling of the glass in her hands brought her this strange and unusual comfort.
“Yeah, sure. I could be up there right now with the rest of them,” An continued on, the taste of hesitation lingering in her mouth. Looking over at the small stage situated in the corner, surrounded with locals and the sound of that beautiful melody, An managed to smile just the smallest bit “Toya’s keeping a close eye on her though. While Akito is… out there-” An continued, gesturing her glass towards the frosted glass window, where Ken could somewhat make out the small orange smudge leaning against the lamppost outside. There’s only one reason why he would be out there in this freezing weather, one of his ‘smoke breaks’ that Ken doesn’t exactly like to see. “See everyone is all fine, everyone’s having a great time!” An smiled at her father, who of course smiled back in return, but as soon as she turned her back to place some ice cubes into her glass, the smile faded.
“If you say so.” Ken responded, turning off the running water and wiping down the counter. He could clearly tell something was bothering An; regardless if she wanted to say it or not. It could be something he said, but this felt different. The way An held herself, as if she had this looming anxious feeling floating around her. So maybe less of what he said, but the nature of his words? Ken wasn’t wrong, An does love Kohane’s singing, but is that the only thing she loves about her? As her Father he wasn’t going to pry for an answer from her, at least now now, Ken knew he wouldn’t get the real answer off An anyways. He just had to wait for that moment where she felt comfortable enough to express those feelings, if that was what was bothering her that is.
The lights began to dim, confusing the pair of them and people in the crowd as well. Just then, a bright white and pink beams flashed out of the lights above the stage and down onto not just Kohane, but Toya as well, who appeared from behind one of the speakers. They began to sing a song completely different to what they had practiced and rehearsed, something they had clearly been doing in their personal time. Their voices weaved in together to create the perfect pitch, and it brought everyone closer, as if the crowd were moths and Kohane and Toya were this flame of energy and passion for their craft.
“Now then, that’s more like it!” Ken spoke with joy and pride in his voice, hearing these kids be able to put their all into their singing and to be able to feel so comfortable and free flowing in front of the crowd, seeing how far they have come is always a treat.
“A put that glass down, let go over and watch… An?” He looked over at his daughter, standing there in awe, the glass placed just balancing on the edge of the counter with only 2 ice cubes placed inside it. Carefully nudging it over making sure it would not accidentally fall and smash (an unneeded mess to clean up and certainly a hazard considering all the foot traffic, cleaning glass from the tiles as well would be hell on both their backs) Ken asked her again “An? Are you listening to me?”
No, no she wasn’t. How could she, when for An, it felt like everything was a blurry haze. Well, except for her. Even on the other side of the room An’s view of her was crystal clear. Under the bright lights and beyond the cheering crowds, Kohane herself was rhis beautiful beacon of energy and captivation. It was like… it was like hearing her sing for the first time all over again, that same overwhelming feeling lingering in her chest as she watched her dance, moving her body with such passion to the sound of the music. That smile on her face that brightened up the whole room, the way her hair flowed through the air-
How for a brief second, they made eye contact, those beautiful hazel eyes with hints gold reflecting in the light. How her gaze softened for that split second and that pinkish blush on her face became more prominent under the lights, it made An’s heart race.
She felt a sudden warm flush embrace her body, her heart racing and her legs growing ever so slightly weak. That feeling in chest as if enveloped by a warm hug, as if dizzy or intoxicated. All they did was look each other in the eyes; just for a split second; but to An, that second felt like an eternity. Gazing into her eyes, she saw so much more, feeling something for Kohane she tried to bury deep down into herself.
That feeling, was love.
Not a friendly form of love: Genuine romantic; heart wrenching; face flushing sort of love. A love that A kept trying to hide and kept trying to bury. Because, what if they didn’t feel the same way, what if it caused a break in their group. What if it made her uncomfortable the mere thought that her intentions were more romantic than platonic. She desperately, oh so desperately, wanted to express these feelings to Kohane but was consumed by this lingering feeling of fear. A fear of ripping apart their relationship at the seams, like forcing a sunflower to bloom when the flower best off point away from the sun. Kohane was her sun, and her the flower wanting to embrace that warmth. The thought of making her uncomfortable, the thought of causing the most important person in her life this discomfort. All these feelings overwhelmed her in an instant as this knot in her chest began to grow.-
“Hey? An?” Ken placed his hand on his daughter’s shoulder, waking her up from this state of mesmerisation and paralysis with a jolt coursing through her body “Whoa!” Surprised by the sudden jolt, Ken moved back slightly, still firmly holding onto his daughter’s shoulder. Turning his head slightly to see her side view he noticed her face was all flushed, her eyes widened. If anything, she looked ill, but it couldn’t have been the food or drink she hadn’t touched anything. See following Ken’s original train of thought, this reaction from An was most definitely caused by Kohane, but everything about her attitude felt off. He knew of course; what falling in love was like; An’s reaction felt like cocktail of emotions. Bits of infatuation, a touch of happiness, but a somewhat overwhelming amount of fear. It felt off, the way she held herself and the immediate switch in attitude. She was acting as if she got caught doing something deplorable; as if the way she felt was… wrong. “Sit yourself down for a second, I’ll get you some water okay?”
“No, no I’m gonna-“ An felt dizzy, felt sick to her stomach. Fear manifesting itself into ill feeling; she knew she needed to get herself out of there, now. “-I’ll be outside. I’ll be fine.” So, away she went, trying to carefully move her way through the crowd, half heartedly saying ‘sorry’ and ‘excuse me’ as her illness induced clumsiness caused her to knock into people slightly. Eventually, she felt her hand on the cold metal of the door handle, finally looking around and taking in her surroundings a bit better, everything still felt fuzzy even the music. Everything was a blur until she stepped outside, the cold and frost hitting her lungs like a wave of fresh air.
Just slightly off in the distance, the so called ‘smudge of orange’ was leaning against a frost dusted lamppost . Akito didn’t look up at first but could sense An was coming over, he heard the door shut, her loud sigh and footsteps as they lightly crunched the frost under foot. Only when those footsteps came closer, he looked up. Akito held a freshly lit cigarette in his hand; the other one in his pocket clutching onto his phone. Before he lifted the cigarette to his lips, Akito saw An’s expression and stopped, realising that this wasn’t going to be just a usual conversation with An. Her body language seemed, different. Thought she felt calmer herself her face was still bright red and her eyes were still alert, Akito could tell something was up.
Now normally Akito, not wanting to talk to An, would continue to smoke (knowing she detested the smell). But, he threw the cigarette to the ground and crushed it under the bottom of his shoe, a waste of a smoke sure, but An needed him more than he needed to satisfy his cravings.
“Finally come out to see me, eh? Took you long enough” He had his hood up, his hoodie was oversized, so it enveloped most of his head, protecting him from having any hair stuck to the lamppost. His long untamed hair tucked down the back of his hoodie, adding an unusual extra layer of insulation.
“Akito. I need your advice” An asked, opting to lean herself on the nearby graffiti covered wall, bottles of half empty liquor and God knows what else lined the wall, shards of glass peppered the ground and several cigarette buds, 3 or 4, littered around Akito’s feet, one still lit. “You know a while ago; we all spoke about being ‘there for each other’ as a team.”
“Naturally” Akito spoke, breathing out a white mist into the air, the cold was undeniable, he just couldn’t understand how An could be out here wearing her usual attire? Of course, during the day was all swell, but this time of the evening? When the sun went down, and the temperature plummeted? Nothing about that was normal.
“Took us a while. We all had our own little issues, but we know that we are here for each other to lean on. As you do with your teammates, and with your partner.”
An squirmed a little as he said that. ‘Partner,’ someone she always wanted by her side. Someone she knew would come into her life eventually and would be perfect. To An, Kohane is just that. Well sure she isn’t ‘Perfect’, like any person she has her flaws. But unlike any person, An loved her dearly, her and her flaws. Her imperfections are what made her ‘perfect’. “That's what I wanted to ask you about actually. About my partner, I’m a bit lost on what to do.”
“Go on.”
“Well, I’ve felt this way for a while now about Kohane I know I have, but just then watching her. It felt so overwhelming, like my heart was going to break out of my chest. I- I know I love her Akito but I just don’t know what to do” her confession fell on deaf ears as Akito didn’t respond, he just looked at An and waited, knowing there must be more to this. “It’s like, I want to tell her how I feel but it feels so damn terrifying. Abnormally terrifying. If I, if she-” She couldn’t finish her sentence, she knew what she wanted to say but just couldn’t say it, she wouldn’t say it.
“An, I can’t help you” Akito replied, he turned his body away and stuffed his hands into his pocket. He relaxed back against the lamppost but this time, he felt more jagged. As if something disturbed him.
“But why?” She questioned, expecting him to look back at him. She took a pause. No answer. “What happened to being there for ea-”
“An.” Akito spoke loudly, causing An to jump slightly. He sounded aggravated and upset? But his body didn’t move an inch. “No. Not me, I can’t help you with your, unusual, problem. Go ask-“ Akito stopped for a second, as if something caught his tounge, he sighed and mumbled “Go ask Toya.”
In a way An had never heard him speak before. It sounded angry, but upset as well, but also disappointed? It felt like a mix of so many emotions, and with him now hiding his face under his hood once again; refusing to make eye contact; An couldn’t tell what he meant and how he meant it.
One thing stuck out however. He called this ‘Unusual’, not ‘stupid’ or ‘annoying’ which is what he would usually say when An talks about her issues. This time it was different, and his response was different. Unlike her other problems this one was more of a sensitive subject to An, something she doesn’t exactly divulge in with just about anyone despite her seemingly ‘open book’ extroverted personality. Out of anything he could have said, ‘Unusual’ felt harsh. On the same level as saying how she felt was ‘abnormal’ or ‘weird’ or-
Wrong. It felt like he was saying that how she felt, was wrong.
But was that really what he meant, and was that really just directed at her and her alone here. With the way he hesitated mentioning Toya, perhaps this goes deeper than Akito was trying to let on. But despite that, being called ‘Unusual’, especially by someone she considers to be a close friend; like a brother really; it hurt more than she was willing to show. Nothing about this conversation helped at all. They both just looked away from each-other in silence. A soft murmur of music echoed through the streets, as it normally does. It’s a reminder to anyone roaming the streets at night that they are never truely alone, at least that’s what An was told. She was told since she was young that while you walk these streets, you’re never truely alone.
So why now, resting against this wall, did she feel more alone than ever.