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The thing about being divorced, Dean is learning, is that he will never stop caring about his ex-husband. He will never stop thinking about what could have been, what could have been said, or what could not have been said, in Dean’s case. It wasn’t long after Castiel officially left that Dean found his wedding ring mailed to him along with a note, and that was it. Even after Dean signed the divorce papers, even after they mediated with their lawyers like they were supposed to, even after they agreed on shared alternating custody of their children, it didn’t strike him that this was officially over until that moment, standing at the mailbox with a ring in one hand, and a note in the other.
And to think of their kids, Emma, just about to start her Junior year of high school, and Jack, who only just turned thirteen, having a front-row seat to his and Cas’ crap. They shouldn’t have been caught in the crossfire, but that’s how life goes. And of course Dean had to open his big stupid mouth and ruin one of the best things in his life. And once again, they’re stuck in the same cycle: Cas too quick to leave and Dean too slow to ask him to stay.
He doesn’t have another shot at fixing this. Cas gave him too many chances, even suggesting individual therapy outside of their couples counseling, which again, was Cas’ idea. Dean was willing to do the couples therapy, but outright refused to do individual therapy. Honestly, he was afraid that if he busted open the can of worms that was his trauma, he wouldn’t be able to close it again.
Then lo and behold, it took a whole divorce for Dean to actually do it, booking a session with one Donna Hanscum, who got him. She didn’t beat around the bush or try to diagnose him right away or make him do homework. She saw him in a way that only Cas or his brother Sam could. She taught him that there was never supposed to be a can of worms in the first place, but once opened, she could teach him how to cope and let the worms free. It’s a weird analogy but that’s the only way Dean’s going to get it through his thick-ass skull.
Stepping out of Donna’s office, Dean’s in a better mood than when he went in, feeling lighter than he has since he started this. Turns out that everyone was right about how it gets worse before it gets better and only now is Dean finally starting to feel better. Nothing like a year and a half of weekly sessions to get through some of your worst childhood trauma. Dean feels like a better man, a better father, and if the circumstances were different, he’d be a better husband.
He gets the call before he gets the text. It’s from Jack’s school, and normally it would be to alert a snow day or that Jack’s sick, but it’s Cas’ week for custody so Dean is surprised they’re calling. It’s not like they don’t know the schedule by now. Still, Dean answers because he’s not stupid like that.
“Dean Winchester speaking,” he says, as his phone buzzes with an incoming text.
“Ah, thank you for picking up my call, Mr. Winchester,” the receptionist responds, sounding relieved. “I’ll skip the pleasantries for now as this is a serious matter.”
Dean’s brows furrow. “Is everything okay?”
She’s quiet over the line for just a moment before carefully choosing her words. “There was an incident involving your son and another student today. Both are being held in the principal’s office while we wait for you and the other child’s parents. Are you able to come down as soon as possible?”
“Yeah, yes,” Dean says immediately, feeling another buzz against his ear. “I can be there in twenty minutes. Can you tell me—“
“—Great, thank you Mr. Winchester,” she interrupts, barely letting him get a word in. “We’ll see you soon.”
Surprised and anxious, Dean checks the several missed texts — all from Cas.
Dean, Jack’s school is going to call you. Please answer it.
Can you pick him up? I’m halfway across the city right now. It’ll be an hour before I get there.
I’d like both of us to be present to talk to him when I get home.
Thank you. I’ll see you later.
Oh, Cas. Still on top of everything as ever. Dean fires off a confirmation text to ease what he knows is Cas’ anxious spiral. If there’s one thing they both got right, it’s taking care of their children.
Jack spends two weeks at Dean’s and two weeks at Cas’. He’s younger, and has less autonomy than his older sister, who can choose the length of time she spends with each parent, but he seems okay with the arrangement. Dean and Cas don’t live too far from each other, mostly for scheduling reasons and proximity to Jack and Emma’s schools.
When Dean arrives at the school, it’s nearly the end of the day. Buses line the street with their hazards flashing and Dean has to carefully maneuver his precious Chevy Impala into the parking lot. The principal’s office is a short walk just off the main entrance. The receptionist’s head perks up at his entry, her wrinkled eyes peering at him curiously behind tiny rectangular glasses.
“Hi, I’m Dean Winchester. I’m here for Jack Novak-Winchester,” he says, putting on his most charming smile. He spares a quick glance at the nametag pinned on her grey cardigan: Irene.
Irene makes a strained smile. “Ah, right this way, Mr. Winchester,” she says, heading out from her cubicle and leading him to a back room, where he sees the back of Jack’s head and another student’s. The principal has her hands folded in front of her, looking equally exasperated and disappointed. Irene knocks on the door politely before stating that “Mr. Winchester is here,” holding the door open for Dean to walk through.
Jack whips his head around and his blue eyes go wide with fear before turning his head down. That’s not suspicious at all, Dean thinks. Principal Jody Mills gestures for Dean to sit in the empty seat and before he has a chance to settle in and greet his son, the other kid’s parents walk in, looking just as confused as Dean is. Dean shrugs and offers what he hopes is a friendly smile.
“Thank you all for coming in,” she starts. “To start off, I’d like to say that this behaviour is completely abnormal for both students so it’s come as a surprise and a disappointment that this happened. Boys, would you care to explain to your parents what happened?”
Both Jack and the other kid start speaking at the same time, firing off half-baked explanations and protests.
“Woah, one at a time, please!” exclaims Principal Mills, who looks like she’s already regretted turning the floor over to them. “Edson, you start.”
“It wasn’t my fault! He hit me!” Edson cries, and points to Jack accusingly. Dean’s eyes widen, and he catches the eyes of the other parents, looking equally shocked.
“That’s because he called my dads a bad word and said they deserved to be divorced because it isn’t natural!” Jack protests. “And he hit me back!”
“Well, that’s what my dad said!” Edson counters, and oh, shit. “And my dad is always right!”
Dean balks, and steals a glance at the male parent, who’s paled significantly, and is looking staunchly at the floor.
“Boys!” Principal Mills interrupts, quieting them both. “While we don’t tolerate verbal abuse, we also don’t tolerate physical abuse. Neither are responsible ways to handle conflict, and poor Ms. Turner had to call Mr. Lafitte to break you two up. I want you both to resolve this but I think I need to speak with your parents alone. Can you two wait in the hall for me?”
Dean is seething. While he also doesn’t tolerate Jack hitting another kid, he’s glad it wasn’t with aggressive intent. He wants to punch that kid’s dad, which… yeah, he can see where Jack got that from. As Jack and Edson file out the door, Dean locks onto Edson’s parents, crossing his arms over his chest.
“We won’t press charges,” the father squeaks out.
“I damn sure hope not,” Dean scoffs. “Look, you can believe whatever you want to believe about me and my ex-husband and others like us, but when it affects your kid, it affects the other kids. I don’t want to be that guy, but do better.”
Edson’s mother nods firmly and pokes her stiff husband in the arm. “It looks like we will be having a long and hard conversation about acceptance and empathy,” she spits, then softens her demeanor when she turns to Dean. “I’m sorry, I wish I could say I didn’t know about this but I’m ashamed that it rubbed off on our child.” She sounds earnest and Dean hopes that something good comes out of it.
Principal Mills sighs. “I’m sure you all know that this means that both of your children will be in detention during recess and lunchtimes and barred from participating in any extracurriculars they have at school for a week. It’s not ideal but I want to avoid suspension at all costs and keep them learning.”
“That seems fair,” says Edson’s mother, and Dean agrees.
“I’m glad we’re all in agreement,” says Principal Mills, and waves at the boys through the window, where they’ve definitely been eavesdropping. When they come back in, looking properly ashamed now, she explains their punishment to them before dismissing them all. “Thank you all again for taking time out of your day to address this issue. Oh, and Mr. Winchester, please also send my apologies to Mr. Novak when you see him.”
“Will do,” Dean promises, putting a comforting hand on Jack’s shoulder. He nods his goodbye to the other parents and heads back to his car with Jack in tow.
Jack is quiet, but that’s nothing new. He’s always been a quiet kid. Thoughtful, inquisitive. Dean just lets him be for the time being until they’re on the highway and Dean feels the tug in his gut to say something.
“I just wanna say I’m not mad at you before anything else,” he starts, ignoring the confused expression Jack is throwing his way. “Hitting another kid is wrong in any case but self-defense, but I’m proud of you for stepping up for what’s right. How’s your hand feeling?”
Out of the corner of his eye, Dean watches Jack survey his knuckles. “Fine. I didn’t hit him hard, just on his arm. Not his face, like you told me.”
“Good on you, kid,” Dean chuckles. “Glad you had good technique but again, you can’t hit other kids unless they hit you first.”
“But—”
“No buts, Jack. You almost got suspended for it!” Dean realizes he’s almost yelling, and sighs. “Look, I admire your compassion and that you defended your dads but I need you to tell a teacher first before you do anything. Or any trusted adult. It’s embarrassing, I know, but trust me, that’s how you avoid us coming in and having to talk to Principal Mills. Okay?”
“Okay,” Jack says dejectedly. “I just… didn’t want to think about you and Dad being… unnatural for each other. Or that you deserved to be divorced. Can you tell me why you did it? I understand that people can grow apart but I didn’t think it would happen to you two. You both just look so sad all the time.”
Dean’s heart aches. It aches so much, he thinks he’s having heartburn. They’re at a stoplight now, nearly a block away from Cas’ house. How does he even begin to explain the insanity of his and Cas’ relationship? How can he explain that they’ve made the same mistakes over and over again with the final blow being what Dean said?
Something always happens, you know this! Cas had tried to reason, tried to plead with Dean to understand.
Yeah, and why does that something always seem to be you? The final blow. Over something so trivial as Dean’s family issues coming into play once again.
His dad got cancer, and had maybe only three months left to live. Despite all the childhood neglect and abuse Dean and his brother Sam went through, Dean dropped almost everything to take care of him. Cas had tried to be supportive through it but resentment built up and their arguments got worse. Just over little things, then over everything. Then John Winchester died a week before he was expected to. A seizure. And just like that, it was over. And Dean had nothing left to hold back his anger. So he took it out on Castiel, like an asshole.
You used to trust me, Cas said, his voice hard and devoid of emotion, but Dean could tell he was on the verge of tears. Now you won’t even look at me.
I need some space. It was a lame excuse. Dean needed his husband more than ever but despite everything screaming in him to ask Cas to stay, he couldn’t.
Then I’ll go. You have everything you need right here. And just like that, Dean lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Because Cas filed for divorce a week after the funeral.
The light turns green, and Dean has to swallow back tears. “I said something—” his voice cracks, and he clears his throat. “I said something really horrible to your dad. Remember your granddad had cancer?”
Jack nods. “I never really liked him.”
“Yeah me neither,” he laughs dryly. “Well, while he was getting treatment, me and your dad had a lot of arguments. Stupid things, really. And then he died and those arguments turned into bigger arguments and I said something I shouldn’t have. I regret it every damn day.”
“Oh.”
Dean pulls into Cas’ driveway, and his car’s already there. So is Emma’s which makes sense. Cas probably called her here too. He kills the engine but doesn’t make any move to get out. Instead, he takes off his seatbelt and faces Jack fully.
“Jack, I don’t want you to think that your dad and I don’t love each other anymore. Because we do. Sometimes… people love each other so much that it makes it easier for them to hurt each other. And we’ve hurt each other a lot, me more than him. I’ve been getting help for it, too. I see Dr. Hanscum.”
Jack nods again.
“Seeing her has helped me to deal with a lot of crap I’ve been keeping inside. And I’m trying to improve myself and my relationships with you, Emma, and your dad. And maybe this divorce thing was good for us. Just know that we will always love you, no matter what.”
Jack rolls his eyes. “I know that. And… I’m proud of you too, Dad,” and isn’t that the kicker. Dean blinks tears out of his eyes.
“Thanks, kid.” Then he holds out his arms in a silent request for a hug. Jack smiles slightly, then unclips his seatbelt, sliding over to let Dean cover him with his arms. “I love you, and just know that the talk you’ll be getting will probably be the same we just had. Your dad just worries.”
“I know,” Jack sniffs. “Love you too.”
—
Cas gets right down to brass tacks like Dean knew he would. Jack is made to sit on the couch with an ice pack over his hand, getting delivered the lecture of a lifetime over not using violence to solve conflict. Dean explained Principal Mills’ punishment and Cas adds onto it by barring Jack from using electronics for anything other than homework and that he’d be supervised while doing so. It seems fair, in Dean’s opinion, and he and Cas pose a united front while Emma folds herself into the chair and holds back a smile.
Despite the divorce, despite the love he lost, they’re still a family, and that’s all that matters to Dean now. From a broken home to one (well, truthfully, two) full of love, Dean thinks he’s made it.
When Jack has been properly scolded, Cas brings him in for a hug, kisses his head, and says that despite the circumstances, he’s still proud of him for standing up for his dads. Then he sends both him and Emma back to their rooms.
Now that that’s over, Dean gets up from the other chair and moves to leave, before Cas stops him.
“Dean,” he says, in that rugged timbre of his. “Can we… talk?”
Something flutters in Dean’s chest as he sits back down. “Yeah, of course.”
Cas takes the chair that Emma was just sitting in, right across from Dean. “I just wanted to say that I see how much effort you put into everything. I know we haven’t been close in a long time but I appreciate how much care and love you put into raising our children. I don’t think I ever acknowledged that or thanked you enough for it.”
“Oh, uh, thanks. I, uh, appreciate that.” Dean’s still working with Donna on how to accept compliments.
“And with everything that happened with your father, it wasn’t fair of me to expect so much of you.”
Oh, it’s time for That talk now.
Dean shakes his head. “No, Cas, my dad was a dick. When he told me the news, I felt some stupid obligation to take care of him, like I’d get back the love and affection I never had. He was a dick to me the whole time he had treatment, and even before he died. I should have prioritized our family, and I should have prioritized you, and I didn’t. I’m sorry.”
It’s the first time Dean’s apologized for this. It’s not like he’d been avoiding it. They’ve just been navigating this co-parenting and divorce thing and it never seemed like the right time. It took six months after the final signing for them to be civil again, and then another six for them to be friends. So, maybe it took another six for… this.
Tears spring in Cas’ eyes. He clears his throat. “Thank you for apologizing. I want to apologize too for the way I treated you. For how quickly I ran out on us. I was so tired of the arguments. And then I couldn’t even imagine a future together where we wouldn’t be fighting.”
“I didn’t exactly ask you to stay, either.”
The statement hangs in the air.
“I signed the papers, too. You were well within your right to divorce me for the shit I did,” says Dean.
Cas swallows, wetting his lips. Dean knows that nervous tick. “Do you think… we can try again?” he asks so softly, it can barely be heard over the noise of the overhead fan.
“Is that what you want?” Dean’s heart is beating so fast and so hard, it’s threatening to burst out of his chest.
“I think so.”
“I’d like that, Cas.”
And Cas smiles, that fond close-lipped smile Dean just adores.
They didn’t have a perfect marriage. Hell, they didn’t even have a perfect relationship, but they tried. They loved each other enough to try.
And they’re going to try again.