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I can’t ever truly forget.
I can’t forget the way he grabbed me, the pressure and force he exerted to keep me held down, my arms above my head while his hot breath grazed my vulnerable neck.
These are the things I wish I could forget, the things I could forgive. But I can’t. And I won’t.
How could I, when such a guy couldn’t even own up to it in the first place? He said he didn’t mean it, but I hardly believed him.
His eyes.
It spoke for itself. Everything was done out of his own volition.
That’s why going out with him was so confusing. That’s why choosing to nearly kiss him was so baffling. That’s why I can’t believe he hasn’t tried again.
Ever since it happened, I know how capable he is, how much danger I could get in when I am around him. I tell myself, “I am Tsukushi Makino! You can’t stop me!”, but he did, and he could do it again.
I am strong, but he is stronger. Much, much stronger.
During rough times like these, I think it’s good to walk away; get some fresh air.
It’s peaceful returning to the spot Rui and I had shared. I miss him often, even if my love was unrequited. I am happy he can chase after the one that he loves.
I am happy if he is happy.
And that brings me some kind of peace.
Dealing with all of my issues seems so much easier as I take in the crisp breeze that sweeps past the fire exit. Even if only for a moment.
It’s hard to pinpoint my current feelings. Rui Hanazawa would never do what Tsukasa had done to me. Knowing he is gone, and knowing I can never talk to him again pains me.
I am happy if he is happy, but it’s still fresh. It still makes my heart ache a bit. I do miss him.
With a huff, I rise and wipe off my skirt. I grab my school case and turn on my heels, pushing open the fire exit door. As I walk in, the tranquility I had felt for a moment disappears instantly, and I quickly sneak my way back to class.
…
In an instant, it is all crashing down, again.
Never once did I believe my friendship with Sakurako was a fake one.
Well, kind of.
If we are being honest here, she had lied. I had caught her at that club, and she had defended Tsukasa when I was only trying to protect her. I should have caught on sooner.
Regardless of what if’s, I can’t do much now. I can’t do anything, in fact, being tied to this damned car.
Tsukasa knows now, Sakurako told him. He saw me in my horrible state, tied up and pleading like a damned hurt puppy. Then, after my desperate attempts to get him to listen to me, he just simply walked away, Sakurako at his side.
“Please, believe me Tsukasa! I just need you to believe me!”
It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around why I would say that. He had hurt me before, and all I could do was beg for that same guy to save me. In a way, I feel ashamed.
Although, I am starting to feel less of anything as these cruel idiots drag me around, my arms hanging from handkerchiefs which bind me to the car's side mirror. I can’t even escape if I wanted to. I run, trying to keep up with the car, but I am quickly growing tired.
I’ve been tired. I’ve been trying so hard to keep up, to persevere, but I don’t think I can. I can’t keep up anymore.
Maybe I do deserve this. Even if I know it isn’t true, I can’t help but believe it at this point. I don’t have the strength to keep up, and with how persistent everybody is in watching me suffer, I am left with nothing else to believe.
My legs tremble as I slow my pace, and I quickly collapse, my entire body hitting the ground with a thud. I begin to let the car drag me along, every little pebble giving me some sort of cut or scrape.
I… I just can’t anymore. As my arms and wrists grow sore from being dragged, and my body continues to get abused further, I feel myself succumb to the pain, and I screw my eyes shut.
I wish it would just end.
…
After another minute, the car suddenly comes to a halt. I don’t move a muscle. I have no idea what’s happening, and finding out isn’t worth the strain it would put on my body.
My body aches all over. Bloody scrapes, dirt, and deep purple bruises cover my body. I couldn’t feel my chest even before being tied to the car. It’s just been this piercing pain ever since they smacked me with that baseball bat.
My ears ring, and I faintly hear the sound of a voice, a familiar one. I hear the scattering of the onlookers who did nothing to stop my abuse, and before I know it, I am opening my eyes and staring up at the sky, surrounded by nobody.
Why?
I don’t understand how this could have happened. Sure, I may have accidentally gotten in bed with a foreigner, and sure, I had been lying about being in a relationship with Tsukasa, but not even I knew the full story until later. Did I really deserve this kind of punishment?
As I continue to lay on the cold pavement, I feel a presence approach my side.
Holding the other end of the handkerchief rope is Tsukasa.
Tsukasa Domyoji.
Just the sight of him causes me to choke out a sob. His eyes seem to grow heavy as he looks down at me, clenching the rope tightly. His expression is complicated; his eyebrows are raised like he is surprised, his mouth downturned like he is upset, and his eyes almost look pitiful.
As I cry, Tsukasa crouches down next to me.
I can’t forget.
I flinch as he reaches a hand out, so he quickly withdraws it.
I stare at him, tears clouding my vision, my cheeks red and my eyes puffy. I must look horrible.
I hate him.
I hate myself.
I did this to myself.
There is no way he doesn’t hate me now.
“I’m sorry.”
What?
The world stops for a moment. This is the first time he has said that to me, or to anybody, as far as I’m aware.
I turn my head, peering up at him. His eyes meet mine, equally as intense.
He means it.
I flinch as he reaches out again, but this time he doesn’t retract. He wipes the tears from my eyes, an oddly nice thing for him to do. He rests his hand on my cheek as he looks down at me.
I feel my eyes widen as he pulls me up and into him, gently rubbing my back. I groan, my chest screaming in pain.
“I am sorry for everything. I believe you.”
And I cry even harder.
I can’t forgive, and I can’t forget..
..But you saved me today.
“Thank you,” I hoarsely respond, and Tsukasa holds me a little tighter.
“Thank you for saving me, Tsukasa.”