Chapter Text
Don’t say you love me
Used.
That’s how Ominis felt. Used by the boy he loved and who he believed to love him back equally. How could he have been so oblivious to the drama that unfolded right in front of him over the course of the past year?
A drama, in which Sebastian played the killer – and Ominis played the corpse. With a once so righteous cause – Anne, or rather finding a cure for her – that slowly turned the falling protagonist against himself.
It was devastating in hindsight, and yet, for once, Ominis had not been the only blind one but everyone else as well – figuratively.
Anne had barely spoken at all after Sebastian had moved beyond the point of no return that was casting the unforgivable, the killing curse, on his uncle. Sebastian had become what Ominis had always dreaded – a wizard with a once so innocent mind that was now captivated by the dark arts.
Ominis never believed that Sebastian was a true dark wizard at his heart; no, that could not be. Ominis knew how true dark wizards were, having his own family as a prime example.
But Sebastian was not like that, he was not like them.
At least that was what Ominis believed – or wanted to.
Anne had been the one to turn Sebastian in. Ominis did not know whether he would have had the strength to take this step. He tried to several times, but every time he stood in front of the gargoyle that silently guarded the headmaster’s office, he withdrew. Ominis knew Azkaban and the blurry image in his head of the boy he desperately loved wasting away surrounded by the darkness of the dementors, made him feel sick.
Maybe Ominis just feared that the dementors would remove him from Sebastian’s mind in the form of happy memories. What a fool he was for believing that Sebastian could honestly return the feelings Ominis had for him.
Not that it mattered now. It had been a year since Sebastian was arrested. He never protested, never fought his sentence. Ominis had felt a strange emptiness inside him. He knew very well that Sebastian never looked at him once when they took him away. He knew Sebastian’s eyes never landed on him during the trial.
The trial was quick but the press, especially the daily prophet, were hunting down every last detail regarding Sebastian, the case and the trial. Like perverted vultures they preyed on every last bit of information, on every picture they could get of the young boy. Never once before had someone as young as Sebastian been on trial for murder with an unforgivable curse, and the public was accordingly interested.
Public voices had ranged from understanding and the call for parole to utter hatred and demands for a death penalty. No matter what the public called for, its screeching voice was dull in Ominis’ head. When Sebastian’s life sentence in Azkaban was announced, Ominis had felt as if time was moving slower and slower. Painfully slow.
They had all expected it – their teachers, their friends, and Ominis himself – but yet it came as a painful surprise, at least to him. He had heard about Sebastian’s reaction from others. The boy had not said a single word during the entire trial except for his confessions and his claims of regret – Ominis didn’t believe him.
Sebastian had kept his head down the entire time, Ominis had heard, and he had taken the sentence with numb and stoic composure.
Ominis did not know whether that made him feel better or worse about the entire situation.
As a matter of fact, he did not know a lot of things in this regard. He didn’t know what exactly it was that made him feel so hurt and devastated. It could be the betrayal, the countless lies Sebastian had told him or the painfully evident fact that Sebastian’s feelings towards him were never as true and honest as he claimed them to be.
Anne had not been present at the trial. She left as soon as she had buried Solomon on her own. She never said goodbye, not to Sebastian, not to Ominis, not to anyone. He couldn’t blame her. After all, simply disappearing was something Ominis would very much like to do as well.
Today was no different, except for the shadows of the past weighing much heavier. It was depressing, truly, and this place here did not aid in lifting the heavy weight of Ominis’ mood.
Azkaban was hell incarnate on earth. A fortress in the rough northern sea, surrounded by dementors, too many to count. It really must have been an apocalyptic scenery, Ominis could tell that much from the icy shiver that ran down his spine as soon as he was surrounded by the cold, damp air that gusted through the dark corridors.
Ominis had debated a long time with himself whether he would take this step or not. His request to visit Sebastian in Azkaban had been accepted a few days ago, and though Ominis felt sick with every step he took, he knew he had to do this. He had to have clearance and closure.
And he had to have one final talk.
One final talk with the boy who once meant the world to him, for whom he went far out of his way to protect – but ultimately failed. It would be the last act of the drama that once was their relationship.
Whenever Sebastian played the sinner in their drama, Ominis had played the stain. Whether it was using his rather good relations to the headmaster, or whether it was granting Sebastian access to the scriptorium, every time Sebastian was the winner eventually, but in the final end, he would become Ominis’ permanent pain.
Ominis shivered when he thought back to the scriptorium. The step of his shoes echoed through the deafening silence of the Azkaban corridors, and so did the steps him and Sebastian had to take in those godforsaken halls, secretly hidden away for a reason.
“If that really is the one thing to do to get us out of here, then do it. Cast it on me.” Ominis had said, a shiver of cruel expectation welling up inside of him. He knew what to expect. He knew the unbearable pain that was about to hit him very well. But it was for Sebastian, and Ominis knew he would do anything for that boy.
“I- I don’t know if I can, Ominis, I- I-“ Sebastian stammered, head in his hands. He was troubled, that much was clear.
“I will never cast that curse again, Sebastian. You have to do it, and you have to mean it.” Ominis said lowly. Somewhere in his mind, he hoped that Sebastian would be unable to cast the curse on him – his boyfriend. He knew that they would end up dying here if that was the case, but still, he somewhat hoped that Sebastian wouldn’t truly want to hurt Ominis in this way. He knew that he himself could never cast the curse on someone he loved so dearly, especially not with the knowledge he had about the spell’s effects.
Sebastian took a deep breath as he stood in front of him.
It was threatening.
Never before had Ominis been scared of Sebastian, but right now, a strange primal fear was growing inside of him. The impulse to protect himself was strong, but he knew he couldn’t, he had to stay here, he had to endure it. That was the only way.
“Ready?” Sebastian asked, his voice shaking slightly but evidently.
“Ready,” Ominis said lowly. His voice was soft as he prepared himself for the impact of the curse.
For Sebastian, Ominis thought.
“Crucio!” he heard. It was just a fraction of a second before it hit him.
Pain.
Burning pain shot through his body. It was quick and devastating. It felt like barbed wire was dragged through his intestines. A storm of dozens of glowing blades pierced and slashed through his skin; screeching harps cut into his flesh playing a torturing song of agony as his limbs melted away. He was on his knees; his fingernails were digging into the cold hard stone below as the air was forced out of his lungs and felt like he was suffocating.
This was so much worse than he remembered.
“It worked!” he heard as the pain slowly drained out of his body. His senses came back to him, his hands were wet and scratched from clawing into the stone floor, he felt dizzy and sick, almost unable to stand up.
“Sebastian…” he could get out, but his call got no response. His hands searched the floor for his wand, eventually he found his most valuable possession laying in the dirt next to him. He leaned back until his back touched the cold wall behind him trying to catch his breath. His head was still spinning. He felt horrible in more way than he expected.
How could Sebastian curse him so easily?
It had been that day when Ominis had doubted Sebastian’s feelings for him for the first time. It hurt him every time the memory resurfaced. Sebastian had wanted it. He had wanted to hurt Ominis. That was something Ominis never really got over, no matter how much he tried to push this memory away.
It had been the first act of their drama. Sebastian had always been the promise in it, and now he was the end of his dreams. Or was it Ominis who had been the end to Sebastian’s dreams?
He wondered what Sebastian would say when he saw him.
“Don’t say you love me,” Ominis mumbled to himself, almost like a mantra “because you never loved me.”
Was he just trying to reassure himself of the fact that was never voiced but already accepted? Maybe he tried to force himself into resistance. Sebastian had always been charismatic and charming, that was how Ominis fell in love with him in the first place, and Sebastian had gladly accepted his love.
The first time they held hands.
Their first kiss.
The first “I love you, Ominis” leaving Sebastian’s lips.
All those were memories Ominis tried to hold on to. He knew he shouldn’t, they were betraying him, giving him a false impression of things that were not true. Rationally, Ominis knew that, but emotionally, he clung” to every last bit of happiness and serenity that Sebastian’s lies gave him.
He knew that in their relationship, Ominis was always the flowers that one lover sent, but he never thought that in the end, Sebastian would be the goodbye note that was hiding in them.
Sebastian played the singer, and Ominis was the song, believing and falling for every sweet lie and rhyme that left the mouth of a boy Ominis once called his boyfriend. Now, their love was just a tune that lingered and left a bitter taste on Ominis’ tongue.
Sebastian’s figurative flowers, mere make-beliefs, for all the secrets and the notes he kept, all his promises left on some sheets – all for nothing.
“He never loved me,” Ominis said to himself once more. His pace getting faster.
He fooled his friends who believed his lies – maybe he even believed them himself.
He made amends and alibis but in the end, he couldn’t disguise it.
“He’ll never love me,” Ominis said once more. Just a few more steps were separating him from Sebastian’s cell. His heartbeat got faster. His pulse was rising.
In the drama of their relationship, Sebastian really played the killer, and Ominis the corpse.
Sebastian was the laughter, and Ominis was the punchline of course.
“Don’t say you love me,” Ominis said a final time. Louder this time, as he stood in front of the bars behind which a boy was crouching in a corner. The boy looked up to him, eyes widening as he saw his visitor. Not that he needed to see Ominis, his voice was unmistakable.
“Because you never loved me.”