Chapter Text
It was late at night in their shared room. Jay laid face down on his bed while Kai waited for Jay’s following words to tumble out of his mouth. Late at night, they often discussed their worries like this. The house was quiet enough that their hushed voices could relieve anything. Kai probably didn’t know it, but their talks, the ones they shared in this way, were the highlight of being able to live with the boy. Jay was living with a couple of guys he’d met through college. They decided to split the rent of a decent-sized townhouse together; it would be cheaper for all of them that way. Though they still shared rooms, the house was so small after all. Jay was just grateful to be able to room with someone he could trust with his every thought and feeling.
“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
“It’s like she thinks I’m a nuisance. We’ll go out, and it's like the connection between us is nonexistent. And it’s not like I ever let our conversation die or suggest we do something she wouldn’t enjoy. But it's like, maybe I let my nerves get the best of me.”
“We’re hanging together but in two different places simultaneously.”Jay groaned, rolling over to face Kai now.
Kai had been sprawled out on his bean bag across the room. He’d been listening to Jay's complaints and troubles for over an hour now. This wasn’t anything new. Kai had gotten used to the exchange; if it bothered him, he never brought it up or let his annoyance show. Jay just hoped and prayed that Kai didn’t secretly think he was super annoying.
“Nyas a bit complicated. I’d know I’m her brother. I think if you give her some space, she’ll open up more. Yah Know?” Kai mumbled, slouching further into the bean bag. Letting its surroundings consume him slowly. Kai had been keeping up with Jay’s ramblings for a few hours now, and it didn’t surprise Jay that Kai was beginning to doze off during his response.
“You’re a sweet guy; she just has to see that herself,” Kai said, gazing at Jay now, his eyelids slowly falling as he struggled to keep them open. But he was trying to sit up more now, keeping his eyes on every word that left Jay’s mouth. Jay had felt that the conversation had shifted somehow, but he didn’t know where. This would happen from time to time. Kai could change the room's mood within seconds; he was charming like that. Unsurprisingly, Kai didn’t have difficulty talking to others and being in a crowd. The spotlight was his home. On the other hand, Jay stuck to his small circle and avoided any light that dared to shine on him. He’d never be able to handle it.
“It's just that whenever I try to talk to anyone other than you or the guys. My words come out all jumbled and strange.” Jay covered his face in his hands. Letting his limbs rub the stress away to compose himself. He despised the way his brain made him think. Like his words would never carry meaning to strangers and that he was a pest to whoever he decided to grace with his presence. Jay struggled to talk to new people, no matter the situation. He could be asking where the milk aisle was at the supermarket, and the little voice in his head would continue to tell him to shut up. And it didn’t help that people would look at him in a way that confirmed his feelings.
“I feel so behind everyone else. I should be able to function like a normal adult, and yet.”
“I sound like I just landed on this planet.” Jay dropped his face back into his bed, letting the cool side of his pillow ease the pain of how hot his face had gotten. He was doing it again, overthinking his every word and thought. Jay’s eyes had started to burn, and a familiar ache in his throat. He could feel his blood move beneath his skin, and it was becoming too much for him to handle anymore.
But when he felt like he might spiral fully, Jay sensed the bed shift next to him. He didn’t dare look, knowing that he was letting Kai see him in such a fragile state. He didn’t want to embarrass himself further. It was bad enough to be judged by people at work or in general. But in his room, he didn’t know if his heart could take it. To look so small in front of someone Jay held up so high was a level of vulnerability he never thought he would reach.
“There's nothing wrong with being a little socially awkward, and I wish more people would give you a chance instead of brushing you off because of it.” Kai placed his palm on Jay's back; it was warm. Kai’s touch had grounded him, making it harder for Jay to continue to spiral. Jay focused on how it felt to have Kai rubbing his back, the slow pattern of circles the boy was making to soothe him. It was working, and Jay had fully calmed down with each deep breath he let out. Able to raise his face from its shelter, he looked up at Kai.
“People need to give you more time to warm up; everyone’s always so quick to judge. You’re not the weird one; they are.” With complete confidence in Kai’s voice, Jay could believe his words. With this, Kai’s back rubbing stopped, not only because he had finished saying his piece. But cause Jay was now fully turned to look at Kai.
“You think so?” Jay said, looking up from his hands.
“I know so. I live with you, don't I?” Kai chuckled. The low rumble of his laugh had put in perspective just how close the two were now. But neither had made any motion to get away from the other. They were comfortable, and no one was complaining.
“Listen, you can be a real nerd sometimes, like a huge nerd,” Kai said, playfulness present in his voice.
Jay rolled his eyes but made no motion to interrupt his friend.
“But that’s what makes you Jay.”
“You create cool gadgets and program random things I couldn’t even fathom doing. You’re the smartest guy I know after Zane.” Jay lightly shoved Kai at this, but his semi-distasteful words still hit him hard.
“You may not have many friends outside of us, but you know how to make us all feel like we mean everything in the world to you.” Jay looked into Kai’s eyes now, with shock plastered all over his face.
“Half of the time, I can’t understand a thing coming out of your mouth, but I'm always eager to see what crazy thing you’ve made next.”
“So what I'm trying to get at is. You’re pretty cool in my book. And what’s so special about being able to be your friend is that I know it’s hard for you to make them. And that I’m special enough to you for you to keep me close to you.” Kai smiled at Jay lazily, letting the words roll off his tongue.
“That…that was really sweet, Kai…” Jay said barely above a whisper. He could feel the heat creep up under his skin after every word that fell from Kai’s mouth. No one had ever spoken about Jay's habits in that way before. Kai said as if Jay was precious to him. Like Jay’s rambling was the most significant poem Kai had ever heard.
“I dont like having to listen to you beat yourself up over things stupid people say to you. Even if one of those people happens to have been my sister.” Kai sighed.
“And…I’m just telling the truth.” Kai’s voice returned to a whisper; it was one o’clock in the morning, after all.
The pair locked eyes, neither willing to break the silence enveloping the room. The only sound was the ticking of the alarm clock on Jay's bedside table, punctuating the quiet alongside their mismatched breaths. Each moment they gazed over one another stretched out the silence between them.
Kai cleared his throat, eyes scanning over Jay one last time before he spoke.
“This might be a little weird, but…I'm just curious. Can I try something?” Kai's wavering eyes stopped on Jay’s lips. Jay didn’t speak, but he could tell what Kai would ask him. The worst part was that the thought of Kai wanting to kiss him didn’t disgust him at all. He didn’t know how they got here.
“Would it be weird for me to kiss you?” Kai moved closer to Jay on the bed.
With their legs now touching, Jay found himself nearly against the wall. His head started to spin, yet he could see Kai’s face more distinctly from his new spot on the bed. Yet Jay didn’t want to hide away. He turned himself in a way where he could see Kai entirely.
Kai’s eyes were frantic as if he would jump up and run out of the room if Jay didn’t answer soon. Jay shifted to take hold of Kai's hand. It was his turn to be bold now. It seemed that Kai was about to speak again, likely attempting to mask his request quickly before Jay could respond. But something filled Jay with the confidence he never knew he had within him. Jay hesitantly opened his mouth.
“ok...” Jay looked away, beginning to ramble.
“I’ve never really kissed a guy before, or anyone, as a matter of fact. I don’t know if I’m good at it or not. But I wanna try with you, but what if I'm a terrible kisser.”
“And I don’t want you to be-.”
Kai gently placed his palm on Jay’s cheek and ran his thumb across his pale, freckled skin, shutting the boy up. Jay's words caught in his throat. Kai looked into his eyes before hesitantly placing his lips on Jay’s. They were finally connected.
Kai was Kissing him. Kai moved slowly at first, but with every inch Jay gave him, he would take a mile. He was kissing Kai. Jay hadn’t even flinched when Kai planted one on him. And now Jay was clinging onto the fabric sheets' for dear life. Jay couldn’t figure out where to put his hands for his life. Kai was kissing him!?
Jay had often wondered what it would be like to kiss someone. He didn't anticipate the tiny breaths Kai would take between each kiss. Jay didn’t know the scent of Kai’s shampoo would infiltrate his sense of smell. And Jay would have never guessed to feel Kai’s hands linger too politely over his body. Jay didn’t dare move at this moment, fearing that Kai would stop if he made a mistake. But when Kai moved his grasp from his face into Jay's hair and tugged. Jay flinched and clung to the thin fabric of Kai’s t-shirt.
And he liked it.
Jay liked it so much that when Kai tried to pull away for air again, he clung to him, fearing that this would end. It couldn’t be over, not when they had just begun. Jay let Kai breathe but grasped the back of Kai’s nightshirt to keep him close. This wasn’t over yet.
“Too cute,” Kai said, breathing heavily, his eyes hazy as he looked at Jay's face.
Jay didn’t know if it was the face that Kai was making that drove him or the overwhelming feeling of lust in his veins. Jay grabbed Kai’s shirt collar. Pulling Kai in for more, he wanted to feel the fire again. The spark that went on within his heart when their lips first connected.
“Someone’s eager,” Kai chuckled between quick kisses. They had finally begun to relax with each other. Almost as if their bodies had become one for a moment.
“Shut up,” Jay whined. The moment began to wind down between them. Though Jay didn’t want it to end, realizing what they had been doing dawned on him: what the hell was wrong with him?
As good as it felt, Jay kissed his crush’s brother for crying out loud. Though, for all he knew, Nya had no interest in him whatsoever. But when did this sudden attraction to Kai grow?
Jay worried that kissing Kai was a distorted way for his mind to move on from Nya. But out of all people, Kai was the only person who truly got him. Kai valued Jay for his true self and embraced him completely. Though Jay was somewhat awkward, Kai seemed to cherish that aspect of his personality. The pair pulled away from each other once Jay felt as though he was going to faint. They shared playful glances as the realization washed over them. Jay felt like he was back in elementary school, passing notes around the classroom.
“Well, that was..." Kai glanced away from Jay, his expression hinting at uncertainty.
“I totally get it if you wanna pretend like that didn’t happen.” Kai gently rose from his cozy spot on Jay's bed.
“I should probably go to bed,” Kai mumbled.
Jay grabbed Kai’s hand before he could spew any more nonsense at him. He wasn’t going to let anything that happened between them get swept under the rug.
“I don’t want to forget.” Jay smiled at Kai crookedly. Jay couldn’t mess this up.
Turning slowly, Kai blushed and nodded, searching for Jay’s next move. Jay, however, felt completely lost. Did he still have feelings for Nya? Did he even want to give their “relationship” another shot? If that’s what you wanted to call it. Kai was standing right before him, showing Jay for the first time what he could potentially have.
“I don’t know what’s between us now, but I refuse to pretend that what just happened was nothing. Just know that I enjoyed it as much as you did,” Jay said, his face getting redder by the minute.
“And I want to see what the future can hold for us. If I'm not reading into this being more than it was, that is.” Jay doubled down.
Kai smirked, moving closer to Jay to leave one final kiss on his cheek.
“As much as I would love to stay up all night unpacking what we’ve got between us, I'm sleepy. But that doesn’t mean I think this was a one-time thing or that it meant nothing. I want to explore this with you.”
“We’ll figure this out together another time. It’s getting late.” Kai looked toward his bed.
If they were going to make this work, Jay needed a way for them to finalize their promise. Jay stuck out his pinky, waiting for Kai to notice. He did.
“You promise.”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
Kai wrapped his pinky around Jays, sealing their fate.
“I pinky swear.”