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The car was wrong. Well, not wrong, just… odd.
They are subtle, the changes. Harsher on the turns, especially on the fast corners; grip is here, there and everywhere all at once; acceleration is great, but the car is heavier than any of the cars he has ever driven… In one of the laps, Carlos became aware that the reflection of the car on different surfaces was no longer as distracting as rosso corsa always was. It didn’t scream back at him like red did.
The realization had him shivering.
Not the white overalls he was wearing today, not the 55 alongside the Santander Logo on the Williams’ nose. That weird and cold December morning in Abu Dhabi it was a subtle reflection that lasted a tenth of a second in a random glass where he realised that things were really over with Ferrari. To an extent, it felt like a break up. Maybe even more painful than the one he had with Isa a while back. How could you describe a professional break up? Did Bottas go through the same thing when George took over? Did Michael, when he left Ferrari and F1 to be replaced with his biggest nightmare at the time? It was a scary feeling, to find yourself stripped from the Red Dream to go back to the midfield. The idea of phoning Sebastian was there, subtly bugging him.
And bloody James Vowles was nowhere to be seen. Carlos didn’t want to admit that was precisely the thing annoying him the most: After everything - the good, the bad and all the inbetween- James was missing the first key hours of Carlos’ in the seat. Carlos was glad he had been raised by his mother, a woman built to keep composure in public, to know where to let out how you really feel without allowing unwanted attention. Because in slightly different conditions, he would have texted James already with some petty remark about going to the beach instead of being at the garage with the rest of the team.
Sadly, Carlos was also an insecure and reserved individual when it came to deep human relationships. While he was friendly and professional with everyone, he could count with his right hand the amount of people he had opened up to in the past 10 years across the whole paddock. James was one of them, for a reason he didn’t want to fully grasp or understand at the time. So the lack of his presence today had Carlos’ blood boiling, and a gut wrenching feeling spreading everywhere. The possibility of having a serious misjudgment of James’ character suddenly planted itself on Carlos’ reeling mind, sitting at the debrief with the mechanics but already tapped out from the testing session.
And then silence. White noise.
[JV] 17:27 The team has shared that you were the quickest man on track today. I can’t begin to convey how proud I am of you.
He was not going to respond though. Because nothing he could type back would reflect how he felt: still pissed off, but somehow at ease from the praise and recognition. It was infuriating to accept that James had enough power to make him feel so many things at once, so he kept quiet even while his phone was burning in his hand and every instinct was asking him to just message back.
He returned back to his hotel room, waiting for Caco to let him know when the plane will be ready to take off later in the day, to have a proper shower and a big fat burger from room service. For once, he would indulge. Winter break started now and he had a couple of weeks of eating like a pig prior to Winter training… he needed to make the most out of them.
The knock on his door caught him off guard, not even 5 minutes had gone by since he called for room service, it was impossible for them to be done so quickly.
Carlos knew it was him, of course it was him. Who the hell else, if not James Vowles, easy demeanour and soft smile only visible on his lower lip, not at all reaching his eyes.
‘You better come with a peace offering…’ Carlos thought as he turned around and left the door open for James to come in, not a single word exchanged.
James looked at him. Even if Carlos was not looking his way, he knew that James’ stare was fixed on the length of his body, on the way he was moving around the room trying to find something to entertain himself with. He kept quiet, like mentally challenging Carlos to stand still for a second, to grant him his attention.
But Carlos was not budging, he would not budge this time. So James had to be the one doing the do and speaking for once: Actually accepting the possibility of not seeing the outcome he had in mind when coming into this room. And Carlos was happy to see the struggle every time he stole a glance James’ way.
‘Would you tell me what happened? Why have you not answered your phone?’
The question caught Carlos offguard. James had never been the biggest fan of going directly to the point when it came to them . He doesn’t waste much time on his job, and maybe in other personal life matters that Carlos is not aware of. But for sure he has enjoyed going around in circles every time it came to whatever has happened between them.
Carlos could play the game, he has played for longer than he ever expected. He could stretch the moment and keep pretending they didn't know what this was about. Have James beg, kneel, ask for something to make up for all the times it has been Carlos on his knees, begging for attention. (Maybe that was the worst part of it all, wasn't it? He knew he shouldn't be thriving in that attention he constantly got from James) . But he was tired, and he needed straight answers.
‘Where were you?’
Carlos had decided to stop pacing around the room, sitting down on the bed and looking up at James, who was standing not too far away, but clever enough to keep his distance.
‘I was at the beach trying to decompress. These past few months have been quite difficult’
Oh, Carlos wanted to laugh. He really did, he wanted to burst out laughing to liberate the pressing feeling he's had all day on top of his chest, pressing his lungs against his ribcage. But he ended up deciding against it. Instead, he swallowed a thick gulp of air and saliva that hurt going down.
‘You think any of this has been easy for me?’ This meant an array of things for Carlos. Nothing has been easy in 2024: losing touch with Ferrari, negotiating contracts that durated months with half the teams on the grid, late night arguments with Rebecca about nothing and everything… and on top of it all, whatever the hell this was with his future employer.
‘I know it hasn’t.’ James paused, debating if to continue with what he has to say ‘But you fail to see that I am in a similar position’ .
James moved slowly towards Carlos, keeping eye contact, treading lightly.
‘It is difficult for me too. You…Or this… us… things are going to change and I am trying to cope with it.’
‘This is the first time I see you having an issue with words…’
‘Carlos, I am serious’
‘So am I!’ Carlos’ voice raised without him noticing, losing his cool was not something that happened often. ‘So am I, James. You should have been there today. For me. Because I didn’t expect it to be so difficult, but it was. And I hate that everyone believes my career is over and I have nothing else to prove anymore and the man that made me change my mind about not being a failure was not there to support me today…’
At some point during his speech, tears started to flow down his face. Part of his body went slack with relief as the pressure left his body, another part of his brain opening a new opportunity for despair about acting as vulnerable as he has ever been in front of James. The relief was stronger, however.
James moved carefully towards Carlos, brought him up to his feet and encircled his body with his arms. He let Carlos’ head rest on his shoulder, caressing Carlos’ longer hair into his fingers while whispering soft ‘sorries’ into his ear.
‘I didn’t…I didn’t know you felt that way’ The reality is that Carlos didn’t expect it. He always thought James had everything under control, that this was just some fun on the side. Even played with the possibility in his head that he might not have been the first one. ‘I don’t want to be a burden’
James couldn’t help but smile while looking Carlos in the eye, collecting some of his tears with the back of his hand and caressing his cheek. ‘I’m glad that you’re learning big boy words’ Carlos hit him on the chest, a small laugh ripping through ‘I’m joking, I’m joking…’ James let the air flow in between them, now both of them looking at each other, but not separating. He moved forward to kiss Carlos, unhurried, tender, soft.
They stayed like that for some time, kissing each other, breathing in and evening their feelings out to avoid a bigger collision. James was the first to break the kiss, nuzzling against Carlos’ nose. ‘You are not a burden, you are a breather’
‘Breather? I don’t know what that means…’
‘It means that you make things easier, Carlos…’
A sudden knock on the door made James jump a little, startled by the intrusion. Carlos smiled and whispered ‘Room service’ and James visibly relaxed, reluctant to let the driver go but settling by sitting in bed, away from the eyes of the hotel employee. Carlos rubbed his eyes dry, shook his head (like a cute english setter, if you were to ask James) as if to come back to reality and patted his cheeks twice, making a move towards the door.
30 seconds later after exchanging pleasantries with the employee, Carlos was back in the room with a tray and a guilty face. ‘I don’t have any food for you, do you want to order something? Share?’
‘I think I might go, actually. Need to catch up on work’ James was not lying, despite not feeling up to take on work at that moment in time.
‘If you were this morning at the garage, you wouldn’t have to work now, eh?’ This time the reprimand was friendly, a cheeky tone present in Carlos' voice. ‘But someone decided to visit a beach in the middle of December’
‘I will never live it down, won’t I?’ James approached Carlos back, who was placing the tray of food over the table in front of the bed to sit down and eat. James grabbed Carlos hips and pushed him towards himself, kissing him on the lips shortly and sweetly. The atmosphere changed slightly, an air of domesticity suddenly present that was never there before. Carlos felt a tingle from his toes to his stomach, closing the distance to James lips again with a shy smile.
‘I promise I will make up to you when you come to England, okay?…’
Carlos nodded and kissed James again, bold and encouraged by the lack of distance that the older man was keeping, still holding him by the hips with no sign of movement.
Oh, what a long break that was going to be…