Archive of Our Own

Sheldon and Amy entered the 4B apartment that night as if she hadn’t been away for the summer. She had arrived that morning at around nine thirty, left her bags at home and, after a refreshing shower, headed straight to Caltech to set the paperwork of her return. Sheldon had an important event in the physics department that morning, that is why he wasn’t able to meet her at the airport. Their encounter was in Amy’s lab, a few minutes before they headed to have lunch with the guys.

Sheldon placed the Chinese food on the kitchen counter, while Amy was going to the refrigerator to see what they had available for drinking. She trusted she would find her iced tea, as well as the kitchen would be organized and well stocked, the benefits of living with one Sheldon Cooper. She was opening the refrigerator when Sheldon stopped her with his hand on her shoulder. Their silence, which was supposed to be comfortable, was bothering him since the car travel.

“Amy, I would like to talk”, he announced, his voice a little shaky.

“Ok, go ahead,” Amy closed the refrigerator door and turned to look at him, he seemed disturbed.

“I want to apologize”, he began hesitantly, “for my behavior towards Dr. Nowitzki”.

Amy took a deep breath before answering, “Sheldon, you have already apologized that night back in Princeton.”

“Yes, I… I know, I said I was sorry”, Sheldon looked around, still bothered by what he saw that day at lunch, and then pointed to the sofa. “Would you mind sitting down with me and talking for a while?”

“Ok”, it was all Amy answered, she feared where this conversation would lead them.

“Amy, watching you having to deal with her presence in Caltech today made me realize I need to elaborate on my apology”, Sheldon was speaking in that tone Amy knew it was guided by his insecurity, much like the tone he uses when he talks about physical intimacy.

“That was alright, Sheldon, but if you need to talk, I’ll listen.”

“I know I am terrible at reading social cues,” Sheldon rolled his eyes to admitting a flaw. “Everybody knows that, and I guess despite my insistence on being right all the time, I got used to being wrong in these cases, of wrongly reading emotions and intentions. I also know that I should learn better with my mistakes… and not listening to Penny when she was pointing out what she thought were Nowitzki’s intentions, that was my biggest mistake. I should have known by now that if anyone is trying to help me with reading a social situation, I should consider their thoughts, especially if they are my friends who I can trust.”

“Agreed”, that’s all Amy could say. Sheldon still looked distressed.

“I should also both thank and apologize to Penny later”, he remarked to himself. “Well, I feel guilty of not thinking through the situation and letting Nowitzki approach me the way she did. I see now that mine was an unacceptable behavior, taking her to my… to our friends, bringing her here… But in my mind, she was nothing but a colleague from work with whom I can share a bit of my area of interest in physics.”

“Do you think if I was not away, you would have done the same?” Amy asked, her voice was almost fading.

“I… I don’t know, probably not the same because you really know how to put some sense in my brain, Amy. But I would still be clueless regarding her intentions toward me.”

“I suppose I know”, despite her previous confidence, Amy was feeling down again by remembering the past events.

“I want to let you know that you should never have any insecurity regarding me wanting other women, Amy.” Sheldon was looking deeply into her eyes, he saw the glistening of tears in them. “You and I had coitus, and, as I told you, I enjoyed it, but that does not mean sex became something important to me, even more far-fetched to think that I would like to engage in coitus with other women just because I have some experience now. I didn’t look at Nowitzki with this kind of interest, and I should let you know that I have never looked at anyone with a sexual interest. All I see are bodies that carry a brain, and I’m always interested in the second, if the brain is worth the attention, of course.”

Sheldon stopped to breathe, he was nervous and speaking faster than he usually does. He reached for Amy’s hand before continuing:

“I assume normal people might think about sex regularly, just like they think about their food, or their bathroom needs. That’s it, I imagine people think about sex as a need, and when they see someone they feel attracted to, they think of sex.” Sheldon sighted distressed: “You might have realized over the years that this is not how I function, and that it is not exclusively about sex. My food is organized according to the days of the week, and I think about it as a means to fuel my body, not a satisfaction. My bathroom time is scheduled, and well, coitus… Sex was never, not even close to being a part of my daily thoughts. I don’t see it as a need, and I rarely consider linking anything to sex. You know it. That’s why I’m also always missing sexual jokes.”

“Alright…”

“I’ve always known that I was different in this respect. I even considered myself asexual for some time before you came. I don’t… I really don’t notice people’s bodies and their sexualities. Not even you, Amy.” Sheldon stopped, it was not what he meant to say completely, but that was also part of the truth. “Let me elaborate on that too”.

“You don’t need to, Sheldon. I understand.” Amy sounded defeated. She had the ring in her hand and she knew Sheldon really loved her and that was something meaningful already, she didn’t need to have everything.

“I want to, Amy, please” he reached for her shoulder and closed the distance between them on the couch, sitting closer to her, making their knees touch. “All my dissociation from the sexual part of life does not mean I don’t enjoy our moments together, and even more so, it does not mean I don’t pay attention to your body or don’t find you attractive because I do very much.” Sheldon reached her face with one of his hands and caressed her cheek for a moment, even clueless as he was, he could notice in her eyes that the issue bothered her. “When I see you in my daily life, I really see Amy as a person, not a sexual body, I see tremendous intelligence, kindness, witty, cunning, a brain as great as mine. I feel attracted to your personality, to your sense of humor, to the way we engage in conversation, and the list goes on. For most of our relationship, you know I struggled to see beyond that, because of my difficulties with physical touch. But when I eventually moved past those difficulties, it did not change completely how I function in my daily life. That does not mean I am not attracted to you, to your body, it means that, for me, sexual thinking is like a switch plug, I need to be immersed in the moment with you to appreciate these bodily reactions. And I only feel comfortable because you are the one able to lead me through this switch change, to help me leave behind most of my fears, my mysophobia, my quirks with touch, my panic attacks, and my tendency to control everything. Once I turn on the switch, you know, you were there, I can enjoy loving your body too and realizing how much I like to caress your butt and your breasts.”

“Sheldon!!”

“That is true, you see, but I don’t keep thinking about squeezing this fantastic bottom every day or every time I see it. Still, I love doing it, when I am with the sexual switch turned on. Sex does not come spontaneously to me.”

Amy took a deep breath while she analyzed Sheldon’s face and his courage to speak so honestly about an issue she knew it was difficult for him. “I guess I understand, I’ve already kind of imagined that sex worked like this for you, but I kept wondering if someone else couldn’t be allowed in, now that you know better how this switch of yours works…”

“Oh, Amy, no!” Sheldon said vehemently, “I still hate that other people touch me, I cannot imagine a situation where I even wish to exchange body fluids with others. I can’t share cutlery or straws. My greatest and closest friends rarely receive a hug. I guess love, and all that we lived together made me create an Amy switch, for the sexual part, and that is more than enough for me.”

“You mean…”

“You are the only one I ever felt attracted to, Amy. I walked past many of my quirks and fears because of you. To be honest, I still do, it is not an easy change for me, and I think I will be doing that my whole life. And… I… I know that you don’t like it when I put it that way, but I engaged in coitus because of you, not because of my needs or urges. I wanted to give it to you as a proof of my love and how much I consider your needs. Of me being past all my difficulties in order to be with you. Because you deserve to be loved in all the ways possible.” Sheldon noticed Amy had tears in her eyes, but he had to continue or else he would start getting emotional himself. “I love it when we make love. I enjoy it. Not only that, but I look forward to it, when I know we’ll be doing it. But it was never my urge. I could easily live without it. Unfortunately, I guess for you and my friends, I am this robot-like person who responds differently to the situations.” He finally took a deep breath. “So, anyway, what I mean is that it is impossible that I would be interested in Dr. Nowitzki or any other women in that way. In a sexual way. And to add further, not even in an intellectual manner, more than I am for you. I never knew anyone that can be my equal, anyone but you.”

“Thanks for being so sincere, Sheldon.” Amy cleared her throat, and dried her tears, she was really moved by his attempt to make things right one more time, and to reassure her of her importance in his life. “I also know this isn’t easy for you, exposing your thoughts on such an intimate matter.”

“It was harder in the past, Amy. Now whenever we are alone, I know I am in a safe place because you understand me better than anyone, and even when you don’t, you are still patient with me and try your best.”

“I feel the same about you, Sheldon.” Amy approached him slowly, attempting to give him a hug, and was accepted with open arms. She finally felt at home after all those months away.

“Amy,” Sheldon spoke against her hair. “May I ask you something personal?”

“Of course”

“What is it like for you?” She looked up from their embrace, not understanding his question completely, when he continued: “I mean, the sex part… I know you are not the same as most people. The fact that you are here with me and that we discovered sex together in our thirties says something about it, but I know you… you desire it much more and perhaps differently than I do.”

“Well,” Amy started, feeling her cheeks blush, “I… I guess I think about sex much more often than you do, that’s right”. Sheldon just nodded, deep down he felt vulnerable, fearing to assume that Amy was not satisfied or that she might have unreal expectations about their future, such as him becoming more sexually versed.

“But that does not mean I desire other people either”, she stated promptly, seeing the worry cross Sheldon’s face. “I've always had my reservations. As you already put it, my very first time was with you and at an old age for this kind of first time.” Amy grinned and took one of his hands in hers, “I desire you all the time, Sheldon, and I have my eyes set on you, only. Although I would be lying if I said that I never noticed other people’s bodies or appearances because you know that happened before, the sexual attraction. But after you, it’s rare that I notice other men, and if I do, it’s more an acknowledgment of handsomeness than sexual attraction. I desire you because of many, many reasons, your body, and your looks are the shallowest but obvious one. But my desire for you goes beyond your body, it is also about your ways of being, your humor, and oh, I can’t forget: I am extremely attracted to your intelligence. And I am also turned on by the way you need to fold our clothes neatly when we engage in coitus…”

Sheldon laughed, “I guess most women would find that off-putting or even rude”.

“Lucky you that I am not most women.”

“I feel very much desired by you, Amy Farrah Fowler”, Sheldon smiled and asked suddenly: “Do you feel desired by me?”

“I… I do.” Amy assured him after a few seconds, it was the truth at that moment. “I didn’t always feel like this in the past, quite the opposite, and you know that already. But the truth is, only after we became sexually intimate is that I realized it takes more than sexual attraction in bed to feel wanted. I can see how you want me in many ways in your life, and that feels wonderful.”

“And I also want and desire you sexually, although at my very own pace.” Sheldon seemed to be nervous again, and he asked: “Is this enough?”

“What?”

“Is our sexual life enough for you? Is my desire enough?”

“Sheldon, yes, of course, we’ve talked about this before…”

“When Penny came to me trying to alert me about Nowitzki’s intention, she also said that what I was doing would make you feel even more insecure. Again. Slap me on the face for not listening to Penny. At the time, I thought you would be insecure about being away, then, only later it crossed my mind that you could be insecure because my slow pace might look like disinterest on my part. Which is not, obviously.”

“Well, I know what I look like, I hear what people say, and in some moments I thought you might not want me because of my looks, but I guess I’m also past that. You have already made clear that you desire me on different occasions.”

“Your looks? Amy? You are the most gorgeous woman I know.”

Amy chuckled, “I trust you find me beautiful, but most people would choose Nowitzki over me so easily…”

“I would not. Never. I guess that is the point of all this discussion. There is no one in this world that compares to you, Amy. And I was a complete idiot in letting you, and also Nowitzki, think otherwise.”

“Thanks, Sheldon. I was already happy with the conversation we’ve had in Princeton, you did not need to put the effort into this again.”

“I wanted to make it right because I love you and I don’t want any misunderstanding lingering between us regarding this topic. Now that you are back home, that we are engaged, I just want to move forward.”

“Me too.” Amy smiled and bent forward to kiss him gently on the lips. Sheldon’s hands went straight to her waist as he satiated his need for Amy that he didn’t even realize he was having until that moment. Their kiss became more urgent and when they stopped to breathe, Sheldon was almost on top of her. He adjusted his shirt and sat back straight, caressing her face after placing the loose hairs behind her ear.

“You know, when you left for New Jersey I offered you a frenzied love-making as a goodbye, would you be interested in engaging in a welcoming-home frenzied love-making?” Sheldon asked with a naughty smirk.

“What are you calling the one that happened in between?” Amy smiled, sexually turned-on Sheldon was a delight.

“Oh, the one? I must remind you that those were our engagement night love sessions.” He recalled the night in Princeton, a night he definitely stayed way past his bedtime.

“Good nomenclature, Doctor Cooper.” Amy blinked one eye at him, also remembering that night. “As for today, I am truly interested in engaging in a welcoming-home frenzied love-making”.

“I am not trying to have coitus with you because of the subject we were discussing.” Sheldon had to say. “It is not, in any way, a manner of redeeming my wrongs.” Amy stood up and extended her hand to him. “I know, Sheldon. Besides, we are not having coitus, I believe you said…”

“Frenzied love-making.” Sheldon completed as he got up and headed to their bedroom hand in hand. “Did you know that the word ‘frenzy’ comes from the Old French frenesie, which means…”