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“What the hell is wrong with you?” James snapped, marching over to Ryan.
“I don't know what you're talking about.” Ryan said coolly, setting his helmet down.
“You almost got Hunk killed. That was an unsafe and unnecessary maneuver-”
“Oh, so when I do it it's a bad thing. But when you do it's fine?” Ryan asked.
James huffed. “I was protecting my paladin. You endangered yours.”
“If you don't like how I'm protecting my paladin then maybe I should get a different one. Hey, maybe we could switch.”
“Paladin assignments are non-negotiable. There's no valid reason to change them.”
Ryan's eyes narrowed. “I didn't use to date my paladin. Isn't that a conflict of interest? Sounds like a valid reason to me.”
James rolled his eyes. “Oh my God. Are you still mad about that? I didn't pick the assignments.”
“You didn't contest them.”
“Because they make sense. I have Keith, you have Hunk, Nadia has Lance and Leif has Pidge. Our counterpart on the team, someone we can carry to safety if needed.”
“You can carry Hunk with no problem. You want to protect him.”
James’s eyes narrowed. “I want to protect all the paladins, and my team. Especially you.”
Ryan crossed his arms, clenching his jaw. “Really? Cause when it comes down to saving me or him, you'll choose him.”
“That's. My. Job.” James grits out. “Protect the paladins above all else.”
“Protect the paladins or protect him?” Ryan sneered.
“Ryan, for the millionth time, there is nothing going on between me and Keith!”
“Then why is it that if one of us is going to die you'll let it be me?”
“I don’t want you to die, dumbass!” James took a step back, a mumbled “Jesus fucking Christ!” slipping out before he inhaled deeply. “I am with you. I want you. I am in love with you.”
“You tell Keith you love him.” Ryan spat the paladin's name like it was poison.
“Yes, I do love Keith. Like I love Nadia. Like I love Leif, and Veronica. I love them in the way that I want them to be safe and happy.” James sighed, rubbing his temples before looking Ryan in the eyes. “I'm in love with you. I am dating you. If I wanted to be with Keith, don't you think I would be? But I'm not!” He threw his hands up as Ryan frowned. “Because I'm in love with you. In the way that I always want to be with you. In the way that I'd rather die than know life without you. In the way that I dream about our fucking wedding! In the way that on rare occasion I allow myself to think of a time when we're not fighting for our lives everyday, I'm with you!” James laughed, tears welling in his eyes. “But I guess that's not fucking enough! Because you're so stuck on the fact that I have to protect my ex! That our team has to.”
Ryan glared a hole in the ground, leaning against his jet as James continued.
‘And we've had this exact conversation dozens of times. I don't-” James laughed dryly. “I don't know what it is you want from me. I mean, you trust me, don't you?”
Ryan was silent.
James stepped forward, trying to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. “You do trust me, don't you?”
Ryan was silent another moment, swallowing thickly. “You're my team leader, of course I trust you.”
“You know that’s not what I mean. Do you trust me in our relationship?”
Ryan crossed his arms, refusing to meet James's eyes. “No.”
James stepped back, shoulders falling. “Really?”
Ryan finally met his eyes. “Really. How- why should I trust you when you say you’re completely over him?”
“ BECAUSE IT WAS SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO! I AM WITH YOU! I LOVE YOU!” James’s voice broke on the last word. “And right now, you are making that so hard to do.”
The brunette stormed out of the hangar, the small crowd of onlookers giving him a wide berth.
After a moment, Ryan did the same, headed in the opposite direction.
“What was that?” Pidge whispered to Leif, who sighed. “I need a shower before I can tell you that.”
Later on, during the mission debrief, tension is so thick you could cut it with Lance’s bayard. James and Keith summarize both team’s involvement, Ryan’s jaw clenched the entire time. When Iverson dismisses them, Keith sits next to Lance, per usual, but James leaves the room instead of taking his place by his team. Iverson and Shiro look after him for a second, but neither says anything.
Judging by the red ringing his eyes, Lance was surprised James made it through the briefing without crying.
“You know what, we’ve all had a long day. We can go ahead and end this. You’re all free to go.” Shiro said with a strained smile.
People filed out of the room, until only the paladins, Leif and Naida remained.
“So… since when have they been fighting?” Pidge asked.
Nadia and Ina sat down, exchanging weary looks. “They’re a couple, they’re going to have disagreements. That particular topic has been brought up a handful of times since you all got back.” Leif answered.
“James had mentioned they’d had a disagreement, but he never told me it was about, well, me.” Keith says, rubbing the back of his neck.
“How could he?” Nadia asks. “You’ve barely been back, and it’s not like you haven’t had your share of problems.”
“But Ryan knew we had dated. Most everyone knew.” Keith defends.
“Uh, not us.” Lance refutes, gesturing to himself, Hunk and Pidge. “We didn’t know until a few weeks ago.”
“You didn’t need to know. Besides, it was a long time ago.”
“Six years, according to James.” Leif points out. “But that’s not it. Our direct orders are that no matter what, we cannot allow the safety of the paladins to be compromised. We are to ensure you survive, even if it means one of us dies.”
“Why?” Hunk inquires.
“It's not like we have extra paladins lying around.” Nadia answers, crossing her arms. “Allura sacrificed herself to save all realities, so there’s nothing we could’ve done about that, but we can make sure the remaining paladins survive.”
“That’s stupid! We can protect ourselves!” Keith snaps.
“And we can protect you. You’re the only people in the universe who can pilot the lions, and the symbol of hope in the universe.” Leif says with a shrug.
“Hold up- you said they’ve argued about this before?” Hunk asked.
Leif sighed. “Yes. After Sendak was defeated, and the robeast knocked Voltron out of the sky, we retrieved you from your lions. It was especially difficult to extract Keith.”
“Kinkade, Rizavi, cover me.” James ordered, before diving down towards the lion.
“You got it!” Nadia turned toward the approaching ships, firing once they were in range. Ryan did the same as James landed, running to the jaw of the lion.
She could hear them creak open over their comms, along with James' sharp inhale.
“Holy- oh my God, KEITH!”
“Jamie?”
Nadia has never heard the black paladin sound so weak.
“Yeah it's me, I’ve got you.”
“Hurts.”
“I know Keith, I know. Where is this blood coming from?”
“I love you, ya know.”
“I love you too. Come on, let's get you out of here.”
“Griffin, get out of there. We can’t hold them off much longer.” Ryan grunted as he narrowly avoided a Galran fighter.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.”
Nadia glanced back and saw James running towards his jet, a limp Keith in his arms. He barely managed to take off before a fighter crashed where he just was. The three pilots shot off towards the Garrison, fighters not far behind.
The base was in view when a fighter landed a shot on Ryan’s jet, knocking him off course.
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” He muttered.
“Rizavi, get Ryan!” James ordered as he sped towards the Garrison.
Another shot sent his MFE spiraling, alarms in her own ship telling her Ryan was unconscious.
“RYAN!” James yelled, turning back.
“James, get Keith back to the Garrison, I’ve got him!”
She heard James bite back a sob as he turned back towards the Garrison. They still had to get Hunk, and Leif and Veronica were retrieving Pidge.
She’d had to drag Ryan out of the wreck and into her own jet, barely avoiding getting taken down herself. Nadia didn’t even remember getting to the Garrison. Next thing she knew, she was lying in a hospital bed, Ryan in the one next to her, as he woke up.
“Morning sunshine.” She grinned.
He grunted, head turning towards the door as something crashed, followed by a “Sorry!”
James appeared in the doorway, relief flooding his features as he saw his boyfriend.
He came to sit on his bed, cupping his face gently. “Holy shit babe, are you okay?”
Ryan brushed his hands off. “M’ fine.”
“Ryan, you almost died. You're not fine.”
“I'm fine. Why don't you go check on Keith?” Ryan snapped.
James tensed. “Really? This again?”
Ryan shrugged. “You were so worried about getting him out that you left me. You should make sure he's alright.”
“Ryan, I hate leaving you, but we have to protect the paladins.”
Ryan scoffed. “You mean your ex boyfriend?”
James tensed. “I mean all of the paladins who just almost died.”
Ryan opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off.
“James Alexander Griffin, what the hell are you doing in my medwing in that?” Colleen asked, hands planted on her hips.
James looked down at his flight suit, covered in soot and blood. “Oh, right.”
Colleen sighed, rubbing her brow. “Look son, I get that you’re worried about your boyfriend, but you cannot be in here in that uniform. First, you practically throw Keith onto a bed before sprinting out, nearly crashing into half a dozen of my staff. Then you and Leif drag Hunk in, you yell at a tech to find this room and almost run into more of my staff getting here. Get out, get cleaned up, then come back. And you will be polite and respectful with my staff.”
James looked at Ryan, all the tension gone as he took his hand. “Promise not to die while I’m gone?”
Ryan huffed, wincing a bit.
“I’m okay too, ya know.” Nadia interjects.
James looks at her, an amused half smile on his face. “Yes Nadia, I see that. Do you promise not to die while I’m gone?”
She flips him off with a grin, earning a chuckle. “I’ll take that as a yes. Ryan?”
“I promise.” The man mumbles.
James smiles tightly, taking Ryan’s hand and kissing it before leaving, Colleen following.
“He was really worried about you.” Nadia points out. “He’s never rude to medical staff.”
“I know.” Ryan mumbles, leaning back.
“He threw Keith, and probably Hunk, onto a bed.”
“I know.”
“He loves you.”
“I know!” Ryan winced, sinking back into his pillows. James hadn’t said it yet, but he knew.
“Okay.” Nadia relented, hands up in a placating gesture as she leaned back in her own bed.
“They’d had little disagreements before, but nothing like this. Not that we’ve heard, at least.” Leif says.
“This is bad. If half your team is fighting, we won’t be able to function.” Shiro says, crossing his arms. “I’ll talk to them, see if they can’t work things out.”
“Yeah but here’s the thing- don’t.” Nadia tells him.
“Why? Shiro gives great advice. He gets me and Keith to stop fighting all the time.” Lance defends.
“If Shiro says anything, it’s just going to be Keith’s brother interfering. If any of you say anything, it’s Keith’s team interfering. It’ll do more harm than good.” Nadia explains.
“And if Keith tries to say anything, it’d be the nail in the coffin, because James is complaining to his ex about his current boyfriend, instead of talking to his boyfriend.” Hunk adds, and the MFEs nod.
“Exactly. Look, this will resolve itself. It’s been months since the last time this came up. They’ll kiss and makeup in a few hours, and everything will be fine.
Two years later….
“Goddammit Ryan, how many times do I have to tell you? There's nothing going on with me and Keith.” James insists, heading into their quarters.
“Really? Because you’re spending an awful lot of time with him.”
“Yeah, on missions. That's my fucking job, Ryan. Would you rather I not go? Would you rather I let Keith go alone? A half Galran in a room full of people who've been tormented by the Galra for thousands of years?”
“Please don't say his name.”
James scoffed, dropping his uniform coat on the bed. “Wow. I can't- I can't believe this. You're jealous. You're still jealous. Oh my-” James turned to face him, obviously angry.
“Me and Keith have known each other since we were kids, and have seen each other through a lot of shit. If I make some fucked up joke about my mom, he gets it. He knows stuff I haven't told you yet because I've known him longer and he was there to walk me through it. But I am with you. I am dating you. I love you. Would I be with you if I was in love with Keith? No, I wouldn't. I am in love with you, and have been for the past four years. I have been dreaming about our fucking wedding, our possible kids, because I'm in love with you. But Jesus fucking Christ you make it so hard sometimes! I've explained countless times that there is nothing romantic between me and Keith, hasn't been for what, almost a decade? And yet you still don't believe me.”
“How am I supposed to believe you? You’ve been so secretive lately, always running off to talk to him, getting home late.” Ryan snaps.
“By trusting me, cause, newsflash Ryan, relationships are built on trust!”
“Why should I trust you? You're almost never here, and when you are we're either fucking or fighting.”
“Because I trust you! Completely! And I'm not here because I'm doing MY DAMN JOB! JUST LIKE YOU!” James yells. “You’re gone just as often as I am, and don't act like I'm not trying to make this work. I-”
“WHO SAID THIS WAS WORKING?” Ryan snapped, uncrossing his arms.
“IF THIS ISN'T WORKING THEY WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?”
“MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE!” Ryan roared.
James took a step back, eyes widening.
Ryan sighed, running a hand over his face. “Look, I just- I'm sorry. Take a shower, go to bed. We can talk in the morning.”
James huffed, grabbing a bag and shoving clothes in it. “What are you doing?”
“Packing. You obviously don't want me here.”
“And where are you going? Keith's?” Ryan spat.
“My damn house. You know, where you’re supposed to be moving in with me in a few weeks?” James replied as he headed for the door.
“James, come on. I-”
The brunette whipped around to face him. “You really wanna know what me and Keith have been talking about so much lately? Why I’ve been so secretive?” He stomped over to his dresser, yanking open a drawer and throwing things onto the floor. His hand emerges with a small blue box as he turns back to Ryan. “This.”
All the air left Ryan’s lungs.
“I was going to propose.” James exclaims, voice shaking. “In a few weeks, on our anniversary. I needed help, and the girls would’ve ended up accidentally telling you, so I asked Keith. That’s why we’ve been talking so much, and as for why I’m home late, it’s because, just like you, I never know when a mission is going to end, or a fight is going to start. But I know that I love you, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So I was going to propose.” James laughed dryly. “But if you don’t trust me, then what’s the point?”
He brushed past Ryan, shoving the ring box into his hand.
“James, please, can we try and talk this out?” Ryan asked, following him.
“No, I think you've said enough.” James stormed out, door sliding shut behind him.
Ryan watched him go, heart sinking.
Sure, they’d fought before, they were a couple, but neither had ever walked out.
And they’d spent so much time apart lately, having to cancel plans and go on last minute missions. First night they’re together in two weeks, and he has to pick a fight. And it had to be about Keith. James’s ex, who was apparently helping James plan his proposal to Ryan, not trying to steal his boyfriend.
He opened the ring box. Inside was a smooth gold band, a rectangular diamond embedded in it. Ryan quickly closed the box, setting it on the living room table as he pulled out a whiskey glass, then the bottle.
It was going to be a long night.
After a while, someone knocked on his door. “Kinkade? You in there?”
“No.” He replied.
The keypad beeped before the door slid open, Shiro walking in. “Well you look like shit.”
Teary eyes turned towards the white haired man, narrowing. “Why are you here?”
Shiro came to stand by the couch, crossing his arms. “I saw James storming off base and figured you two were fighting.”
Ryan stayed silent, taking a swig from his glass.
“What was it this time?”
Ryan raised an eyebrow. “This time?”
“Kinkade, I see the both of you on an almost daily basis. I know if you’re fighting. So what was it about?”
“Keith.” Ryan shamefully admits.
“Ryan...” Shiro starts.
“Don’t ‘Ryan’ me. I know it’s stupid, and I know there hasn’t been anything between them.”
“Then why does it keep coming up?”
“Because- fuck!” Ryan groans, burying his face in his hands. He inhales deeply before wiping his face. “I see them together, how comfortable they are, how they have this- this thing tying them together. And there’s things James outright refuses to tell me that he tells or has told Keith, and they’ve been seeing each other so much more lately, so I thought-”
“You thought James was cheating on you?”
Ryan nods, feeling tears well up again. “But he wasn’t. He was-”
“Planning to propose?”
Ryan looks up, eyes wide. “You knew?”
Shiro nods, coming to sit next to him. “He requested a few days leave for the both of you. Plus, I overheard him practicing what he was going to say.”
“I really fucked this up, didn’t I?” Ryan asks, swallowing thickly. “There’s no coming back from this. James is never going to trust me again. He’s sure as hell never going to want to marry me again.”
Shiro gave him a sideways hug, rubbing the pilot’s back as he cried.
“You two can still recover from this, trust me.”
“How do you know that?” Ryan sniffled, sitting up.
Shiro sighed, clasping his hands together. “Before I left, Adam and I had a huge fight. He gave me an ultimatum, and-” He hesitated, shoulders drooping. “-we broke up. Then I left for Kerberos, and everything happened, and we thought Adam died and- we ended on bad terms, and we never got a chance to fix things. But then we found him in a Galran prison, and brought him home. And we apologized, and talked and cried, and found ourselves together again. Then we got married. If we can come back after that, after a decade of being apart, you and James definitely can.”
“You really think so?”
Shiro nodded. “Yeah.”
Ryan started to stand, wobbling a bit.
“Woah there buddy, you’re not going to do anything good tonight.” Shiro stated, rising to help steady him. “Get a goodnight’s sleep, shower, and when you’re ready, try and talk to him.”
Ryan nodded, hugging Shiro. “Thanks Space Dad.”
The older man sighed, patting him on the back. “I really wish you guys would stop calling me that.”
The next day, Ryan woke up with a minor headache, and new resolve.
He was going to apologize to James, and they’d fix things. Like Shiro said, it’d take time, but they could do it.
Right?
After a hot shower and fresh shave, he left his quarters, straightening his uniform. He made his way to the meeting room, expecting to see James.
But he wasn’t there.
Or in the hangar.
Or his office.
Or any of the classrooms, where he’d occasionally work with the cadets.
“Nadia, hey!” Ryan called, jogging to catch up with her. “Have you seen James anywhere?” She shook her head. “No. But Ronny mentioned something about him requesting a few days personal leave. Didn’t you know?”
Ryan shakes his head, and Nadia raises an eyebrow. “Did you two get in a fight?”
“Yeah. Something like that.” Ryan mutters, walking away.
Apparently, he wasn't going to see James today. Or the next day. Or the one after that. On the fourth day, he spotted James across the hangar, fiddling with his ship. He looked around, saw very few people, and crossed the hangar. They didn’t need an audience for this.
James turned when he heard him approach, and Ryan froze.
Sometimes he forgot how truly handsome his boyfriend was. Bright storm-grey eyes framed by soft chestnut hair. Jaw that could cut glass, soft pink lips. Lips that were currently pressed into a tight, thin line.
“Did you need something?” James asked, swapping out one of his tools. The muscles in his arms flexed as he worked, visible through the tight fabric of his undershirt. His flight suit was half undone, tied around slender hips.
“Um, hi.” Ryan said, regaining his composure.
“Hi.” James grunted, finishing tightening something underneath the wing.
“I was hoping we could talk? About the other night.”
James huffed, stepping away from the jet. “Really? Here?”
“Well, no. Somewhere private.”
“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” James asked, crossing his arms and sighing. “Ryan, I was gonna propose. I thought we were past this. But apparently, we’re not. You still don’t trust me. So maybe you were right.”
“Right about what?”
“Us not working.” James answered, looking down.
Ryan’s heart fell out of his chest. “What?”
“Relationships need trust, and you don’t trust me.”
“I do trust you!” He insisted, stepping forward. “I was being stupid and irrational, and overreacting because I’m stressed and sleep deprived.”
“We’re always stressed and sleep deprived. But I’ve never blown up at you like that. Or practically accused you of cheating.”
“I didn’t mean to-” Ryan started, stepping forward again, James barely within arms distance. But he put his hands up, stepping back.
“Ryan, I want things to work between us, I really do. But I can’t- I can’t have this conversation right now. I have to fix this, then I have a Blade mission, and a meeting with Iverson and a thing with Colleen, and I’m not going to be able to do any of those things if I’m thinking about us. So please, just-” James sighed. “I need some space.”
Ryan nodded numbly. “Whatever you need. For how long?”
“I don’t know. A while.”
He wasn’t sure who moved first, but in an instant, James was in his arms, clinging to him tightly. He pulled back to cup Ryan’s face, brushing away a stray tear. “I miss you already.” Ryan whispered. James’s brow furrowed as he leaned in to kiss Ryan. He responded immediately, gripping James’s hips tightly. James pulled away, Ryan chasing his touch, leaning their foreheads together.
Ryan swallowed thickly, willing himself not to cry. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” James replied, extracting himself from Ryan’s arms, lips pulled into a tight smile.
Ryan squeezed his hand gently before letting go, turning to leave the hangar.
James and him had gone weeks without seeing each other before, it was part of the job. But it had never been on purpose.
It was calm in the command center until, all of a sudden, the big screen started screeching. Shiro answered the call, Keith's icon popping up on screen. "How's the mission going?"
“Shiro, I need a med team in the hangar yesterday.” Keith stated.
“What happened?” Shiro asked, already setting off the alarm.
“Our intel was wrong, the base wasn’t abandoned, there were a shit ton of angry people there. We have over a dozen injured, and it’s bad. Really bad. I need all the pods.”
“You'll have them. Get back in one piece.”
Keith ended the transmission and Shiro began barking orders.
“Med teams 1-8 in the hangar, remove all non-essential personnel and citizens from the hangar, clear the halls to the med wing!”
Soldiers and civilians alike rushed to obey as Ryan ran to the hangar.
He got to the doors just in time to see Keith come running out of the Black lion, a limp form in his arms. “I NEED A GURNEY!” He yelled as a med team rushed at him.
Keith rolled the body onto the gurney, an arm flopping limply off to the side. Him and the medics began running, passing Ryan.
That's when he saw James, blood seeping through a cloth pressed to his side.
Someone screamed. It might have been him.
Ryan ran after the gurney, nearly slipping in something.
Just as it approached the med wing, someone grabbed him, stopping him from passing through the doors.
“Kinkade, stop!” They demanded.
“Let me go!” He cried.
“The medics have him, James will be fine!”
“How do you know that?” Ryan snapped, turning to face the person restraining him. It was Keith. When had he left the gurney? Why was he holding him?
“Because he's James. He'll be okay.” Keith scanned him, worry written all over his face. “You're going to need new shoes.” Ryan looked down.
That thing he almost slipped in?
Blood.
James’s blood. James was on that gurney. He wasn't moving. James was dying.
“James isn't going to die. James is going to be fine.” Keith told him. “Sit down. You're hyperventilating.”
So that's why he felt lightheaded. He sat on the floor, Keith sliding down next to him. That's when he registered the blood on the paladin’s armor. Probably the same that covered his own boots.
“He’ll be okay.” Keith mutters, eyes fixated on the ceiling. “He’ll be okay.”
The next few hours we're a blur. Somehow, he and Keith had new clothes. Blood free. They sat outside the med wing, faint beeping filtering out into the hallway.
“He loves you.” Keith said, breaking the silence.
Ryan looked at him with tired eyes, an exhaustion mirrored on the paladin. “That was the last thing he said. To tell you he loved you.”
Ryan leaned forward, burying his face in hands. He’d cry, but he ran out of tears hours ago.
“Kinkade, that idiot loves you more than anything in the world. Even when you piss him off.” Keith sighed. “I know you two had a big fight again, about, well, me. And that you know about the proposal now. I- I hate being the cause of yal’s biggest problem. But I need you to trust me when I tell you that there is nothing between me and James. Hasn’t been for years.”
“I know.” The MFE mumbled.
“James is like family to me. That fact that you don’t trust him when he says there’s nothing between us is killing him. But he’s not gonna break up with you, so you have to get your shit together. When he pulls through this, you’ve gotta make the choice. Trust him and marry him, or have some mercy and breakup with him. He deserves better than this. You both do.”
With that statement, Keith left.
How had Ryan thought there was anything there? Keith talked about James like Ryan did about Nadia. Protective, caring, like a friend. Not a partner.
Fuck, he had really screwed up.
And they’d had this argument multiple times, somehow with James always apologizing. Even though he hadn’t really done anything wrong. It got Ryan thinking about the first time they'd had this fight...
When James returned to Ryan’s hospital room, the man was squinting at a tablet. He looked up when he knocked.
“Can I come in?”
Ryan nodded, setting the tablet down as James came to sit at the foot of his bed.
“About earlier…”
“Can we not?”
James frowns. “Babe, we need to talk about it. If something’s bothering you, especially something I’m doing, you should feel comfortable enough to tell me what’s wrong.”
“It’s stupid.”
“It’s not.” James insisted, taking Ryan’s hand in his own. “Tell me.”
Ryan sighed. “James, you’re my boyfriend. He’s your ex. Your hot, half alien, saviour of the universe ex. Either of us could have died, and you chose to save him. You chose to save your ex boyfriend over me, your actual boyfriend. You barely reacted when I got hit.”
“Ryan, I was terrified when I saw you take that hit.” James insists. “And when the alarms started going off in my ship, I could barely hear myself think, my heart was beating so fast. I turned back, but if I had stopped, Keith would have died. I would’ve had to watch him die. When I got into that lion… I’ve never- he was” He inhaled shakily.
“I heard you. I can’t imagine what he must’ve looked like.” Ryan said softly.
James looked at him with teary eyes. “I saw someone I’ve known almost my entire life half dead, and all the blood…” He swallowed roughly. “It was one of the worst moments of my life. And knowing that I could’ve lost you too- I just- I hate that I had to choose. If it was just about love I’d choose you in an instant. Over anyone. But right now, our lives aren’t about us.”
Ryan nodded. “They’re about saving the universe. Which we need Voltron to do. I get that.”
“Then why bring it up again?”
Ryan shrugged. “I- part of me wonders if there’s still something between you. You were together for years.”
James sniffled, wiping at his eyes. “Babe, that was years ago. I’m way over him. I wouldn’t have asked you out otherwise. Yeah, I used to love him, but now I-” He chuckled softly. “I love you, Ryan. I know it’s kind of soon, and it’s horrible timing given the conversation, but I do.”
Ryan blinked at him, face slack with shock. James blushed, releasing his boyfriend’s hand and rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not expecting it to say it back right now, I just thought you should know.”
“No, I know.”
James went even pinker before burying his face in his hands.
“No, James, I mean-” Ryan leaned forward to cup James’s face, storm-grey eyes blown wide. “I love you too.”
James relaxed as he leaned into Ryan’s touch. “Oh thank God. You scared me for a second.”
Then all was well. They were a perfect couple. Until a couple weeks later, when they had that fight in the hangar.
Up until last night, it was the worst fight they’d ever had.
It had been awful, a screaming match in front of their team and a handful of others. Ryan didn’t want to look at James for a while, but since the Atlas had given them their own quarters, away from the girls, he had to. Unless he wanted to try crashing on Nadia and Ina’s floor, which, last he saw it, was covered in broken armor and countless pages of battle analyses and reports.
So back to his quarters he went.
The universe had some mercy on him though. James wasn’t there. He changed out of his uniform and into his pajamas, flopping onto the bed with a weary sigh. Maybe James would stay the night somewhere else.
With Keith.
His brain supplied, rage beginning to simmer again. James probably was talking to Keith, complaining about him. Choosing to talk with him instead of coming back here and facing Ryan.
Shouldn’t you be afraid of facing him?
Ryan had pulled a pretty risky stunt. And then said he didn’t trust the man he’d been dating for over a year. He should probably apologize. But James didn’t have to yell at him like that in the hangar, he could’ve waited.
Just then, the door to their quarters slid open, a haggard looking James walking in. Ryan sat up, expecting a continuation of their fight, but James ignored him, grabbing a pile of clothing and storming into the bathroom, barely sparing him a glance.
When he came out, he threw his uniform in the hamper before turning to face Ryan.
“Go ahead. Talk.” James said, crossing his arms. “Because I would love to hear your explanation for this one.”
“Why do I have to explain myself?” Ryan questioned, sitting up.
“Because you almost got yourself and Hunk killed, made a point of saying Keith’s my ex, then said you didn’t trust me. So, what is it? What pissed you off this time? Cause I know it’s not just the fact that we work closely with Keith.”
“Yeah, you and your perfect ex boyfriend.”
James scoffed. “Keith and I were far from perfect. We had our fair share of problems, with equal blame. We ended on pretty bad terms, and it took several screaming matches and years of distance and a handful of near death experiences for us to be friends again. But before all that, before we dated, he was my best friend. And we saw each other through some pretty serious shit. I’m not going to throw all that away because you’re mad that we’re friends.”
Ryan eyed him warily, jaw clenching. “I’m not mad that you're a friend. I just don’t like that you and Keith are so…” he sighed. “You two dated forever ago, and I know that, and I shouldn’t be bothered by that, but I am. I know you two love each other, and it’s not romantic, but- part of me wonders if later on, when we’re at peace, you’ll choose him. To be with. Things don’t seem like they’re over between you two. He doesn’t look at you like he does others on his team. Like he looks at Lance.”
James rolls his eyes. “Keith is in love with Lance. He’s just too scared to admit it. That’s why he looks at him like that. If he’s ever looking at me weird, it’s because he’s rambling about Lance’s eyes or his laugh or some shit like that.”
“Well I didn’t know that!” Ryan exclaims, throwing his hands in the air.
“You could’ve asked me!” James snaps, before sighing. “Ryan, how are we supposed to be in a relationship if you don’t trust me?”
“I do trust you! It’s him I don’t trust.”
James scoffed. “Really? Cause that’s not what you said earlier. In fact, you distinctly said that you didn’t trust me.”
“How can I trust you when you don’t tell me things? You’ve said it yourself, you and Keith have walked each other through some serious shit. Yet you never mention what that shit was.” Ryan states.
James’s eyes narrow. "My little sister was diagnosed with cancer, then six months later, she died. Then my parents, who’d been fighting more than usual, decided to finally get divorced. We were dating at the time, and he was there for me through it, until he got kicked out. Then he dumped me and disappeared. No one, not even Adam, knew where he was. Then Sam came back, and the invasion happened, and everything else. He apologized, we made up, and we’re friends again. That’s it.”
Ryan gaped at him, all tension released from his body.
“He was there through the worst days of my life so far, and I didn’t want to relive it by telling you the details. And I was there for him when Shiro disappeared and Adam was a mess, and I barely got him back before he almost died. Now it’s my job to make sure he stays alive. I couldn’t save Adam, or- or my dad, but I can save my best friend. I almost saw him die, and every day I see you in danger, and Nadia, and Leif and I- I can’t let anyone else die. Not if I can help it.” James finished, tears welling in his eyes again.
Ryan opened his arms and James fell into them, burying his face in his shoulder as tears soaked his shirt.
“I’m so sorry. I never should’ve suggested that anything was going on between you two.”
James hummed, wiping his face. “No, you shouldn’t have.”
“I really am sorry.” Ryan insisted before kissing him softly before lying down and pulling him against his chest.
James remained in the pod for three days. Then he was taken to a hospital room, connected to all sorts of monitoring devices.
“He’s going to be fine. His body just needs to rest.” Collen assured him, placing hand on his shoulder. Ryan merely nodded, eyes focused on the sleeping man in front of him.
“You need to sleep too.” She reminded him.
“‘M fine.”
Colleen crossed her arms. “Ryan, you’ve been up for three days.”
“I need to stay with him.” He insisted.
“Kinkade, go sleep.” Keith told him, stepping into the room, coffee in hand. “I’ll stay until you’re back.”
Ryan shook his head, and Keith sighed. Placing a hand on his shoulder.
He heard a “Whoosh!” and a bark, before he was teleported to his and James’s quarters.
“Take a shower, take a nap, and come back.”
“But-”
“Emotionally distress does not excuse poor hygiene and total disregard for self care. Plus, you’ll feel better.” Keith stated, before Kosmo teleported him out of the room.
Ryan followed each of Keith’s instructions, save for the last one. There was no way he’d be sleeping in their bed with James in the hospital. There were chairs for a reason.
Ryan woke to a hand caressing his cheek. His eyes fluttered open, familiar amethyst ones looking down at him. He shot straight up, nearly falling out of his chair. James laughed, wincing as he did so. “Hey babe.”
Ryan regained his balance, moving to sit on the bed next to him. “James!”
“What? No kiss?” He asked with a grin.
Ryan shook his head and cupped James’s face, kissing him softly. James gripped his wrist when they separated, sliding it down to his hand.
“You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were dying.”
“Well, that wasn’t intentional.” James looked down at Ryan’s hand, surprised by the cool metal on his finger. “Is that..”
“Yeah.” Ryan nodded.
“But our fight?”
“James, I love you. More than anything.” Ryan started. “Seeing you like that- I’ve never been more scared. I’m so sorry I ever doubted you and sorry that I said all those horrible things to you. And I’m sorry for being an ass and picking a fight and not trusting you. I love you. I love you so much, and I never want to know life without you. And I’ll do anything to fix this, to fix us. Please, let me fix this.”
James looked up at him, expression unreadable. “Ryan, I love you. But it shouldn’t have taken this for you to want to fix this. I still need space. And it's going to take a while before I’m back in the ‘let’s get married’ headspace.”
“Then do you want-” Ryan started, reaching for the ring. James stopped him.
“Keep it.” The corner of Ryan's lips twitched upward, ever so slightly.
“Do you want me to leave?”
James shook his head slightly. “Stay. Keep me company. We can figure us out later.”
Ryan rarely left James’s side while he recovered.
They did spend some time apart after, and Colleen recommended a couples counselor. Biweekly to weekly sessions proved extremely helpful.
At James’s insistence, Keith and Ryan spent time together, slowly becoming friends. That got a lot easier once Keith and Lance got together, and James and Ryan were no longer on break.
It was awkward at first, adapting to each other’s presence again. Lots of awkward fumbling in the bathroom, bumping into each other in their kitchen. But with time, life became easy. It was like they’d never been on break at all. They still had disagreements, but nothing like what they'd had before.
Then, two years later, Ryan proposed. With Keith’s help, of course. James’s ring matched the one he’d bought Ryan so long ago.
And their wedding? There were pictures of it plastered all over their house. Their daughter loved them.