Chapter Text
“A sight for an old dwarf’s sore eyes,” Bruenor said as Drizzt slipped down from Sunrise the pegasus’ back, his boots clicking almost silently on the stone as he landed.
He had made it to Mithral Hall. After delaying the visit for so long it seemed so simple, so sudden a thing. His heart soared from the moment he had seen his friends step out from the halls. A piece of him hadn’t quite been ready to accept that they were all still alive, not after months of mourning their deaths. Bruenor’s helm had been like a shrine to him once, and now it sat nearly forgotten in his pack as his mind focused on one thing and one thing only.
Drizzt was smiling at Bruenor as he registered the old dwarf’s rare moment of affection, though his eyes locked dead ahead and into the crowd a moment later. The gathering parted as surely as if he had shouldered his way through. Everything else seemed to fade from his thoughts as Drizzt saw her and all the rest of the world melted away.
Auburn hair drifted down from her head in a messy tangle from where it was pulled into a messy braid. The woman was leaning heavily on a wooden cane, and loose-fitting clothes billowed around her frame. It was clear that she had been hurt recently, and Drizzt couldn’t help but feel a stab of guilt for just a moment as he wondered if he could have helped her, if he had only been here instead of assuming she was already dead.
But he looked up into her soft blue eyes and his anxiety melted away. She was here now and safe as he had ever dared to hope. A dear friend had taught him not to borrow grief from the future, but to live in the moment. He ignored that same friend’s words of triumph now as his eyes fixated solely on Catti-brie. From the messy mop of hair, loose clothes, dwarfish mannerisms, and intelligent eyes, she was the most breathtaking woman he had ever met.
“Welcome home,” Regis said, his voice barely cutting through to Drizzt’s single-minded thoughts.
“We never doubted your return,” Wulfgar added.
Drizzt had the wherewithal to smile and offer them each a nod. He was overjoyed, truly, to be back with each of his dear friends. They were all safe, and the confirmation of seeing them face-to-face made his heart soar. He patted Bruenor, tousled Regis’ hair, and grabbed Wulfgar’s strong forearm in a heartfelt greeting, but ever his eyes remained locked on Catti-brie, and his feet carried him ever closer to her whether he consciously willed them to or not.
Within moments Drizzt was only a few steps from her. He had a world of things to say. He had months of emotions to catch up on, to explain to her. He wanted to pour out his heart to her and explain everything he had learned, everything he had started to dream of since he’d been gone. Desperately he wanted to explain to Catti all the ‘should have’ and ‘what if’s’ that had been tormenting him while he was away, to tell her how much he hated himself for not acting sooner. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and he was tired of mourning her death while she was still there. He wanted to tell her that he had decided to live in the moment and enjoy the time they had together. But would she? How could he know what she wanted?
But Catti-brie’s eyes were shining with radiant joy and adoration when he was finally standing before her. The hundreds of questions and bubbling doubts and insecurity vanish in a heartbeat as he lost himself in her gaze. The words died in throat as he hit her with a great hug instead, pressing up against her and kissing her, crushing her, lifting her right from the ground.
His ears, sharp as they were, barely registered the sound of her wooden cane clattering to the floor. Drizzt couldn’t begin to guess how it had started. He remembered hugging her. He had wanted to bury his face in her neck, to lose himself in the familiarity of his closest friend. But then he had felt her lips on his and all other thought drifted away. The movements he had made next were instinct mostly as he locked his arms tight around her and hefted her fully into his grasp.
Catti-brie’s tongue teased gently at his lips and he opened his mouth at once to allow her inside. A distant part of his thoughts tried to remind him that her father Bruenor and her former lover Wulfgar were only steps away, and yet he couldn’t resist as the dam in his mind shattered and a flood of emotions burst forth. He knew only that she was finally in his arms, and that she was kissing him. For the first time in all his life perhaps, Drizzt allowed himself to feel genuinely, unapologetically happy.
But his legs continued to move, carrying them both deeper into the hall and away from prying eyes. He was distantly aware of the muttering of their friends behind him, but paid them little mind as he swept Catti-brie away into Mithral Hall. As soon as they were out of sight he felt her legs wrap tight around his hips. He pulled her down the nearest corridor just far enough to know they weren’t being watched, then pinned her roughly to the wall.
She let out a profound gasp of pain and he stopped at once, breaking their lips apart enough for her to suck in a groaning breath.
“Are you alright?” Drizzt asked as his heart shattered into a million pieces. He thought distantly then of her cane, now absent.
“Never been better,” the woman breathed, and when Drizzt looked at her again he saw that she was chuckling quietly.
Despite her words and her obvious mirth he let her slip down to the floor, though his hands remained at her sides. He saw again that she leaned heavily to one side and felt a stab of regret. She had been injured. He had noticed that she was injured when first Sunrise had set down, and still he had let his instincts carry him away. Drizzt’s gaze darkened, his face hardening as he thought of The Hunter, that dismal and unthinking alter-ego that served him so well in battle, but snuffed out the most important emotional aspects of his life.
“Don’t ye be worryin’ about me,” Catti-brie said firmly. Her gentle touch on his chin served to pull him out of his thoughts, and she drew his gaze up into her eyes again. He saw that their blue depths were shining with the threat of tears. “I thought yerself dead after all these months, and not a word from ye. Wulfgar said ye were out there, killin’ orcs and what else needs killin’...but I couldn’t help but think it.”
Drizzt sucked in a shuddering breath and pulled her in tight for a hug again, finally burying his face in the side of her neck like he had wanted to before. What could he say to her that would make it all okay? The last thing she needed while defending Mithral Hall with her life was to be worrying about him. But Innovindil’s words echoed in his mind and he pushed his grief and doubt aside, albeit with some difficulty.
Catti-brie was here with him now, and she was safe. Injured, perhaps, but safe, and just as strong of mind and spirit as she had ever been. He breathed in deeply, losing himself for a moment in her smell. She reminded him of dwarven forges with the subtle and sickly-sweet tang of smoke and metal, but so much more: she smelled of spring meadows, of old trees and freshly-fallen leaves all at once. He had never allowed himself to fully embrace her, all of her, like this. And though her words deserved an answer, she was loving and patient with him as he sought comfort in the warmth of her body on his.
With another long breath he pulled her in closer. He buried her in his arms, feeling the gentle give of her skin beneath the fabric of her clothes as he pressed her in close. Drizzt felt her arms wrap tight around him in return, without hesitation and without judgment.
When he was finally strong enough he pulled away from the hug and looked her in the eye. “I returned to Shallows when I was done scouting. I thought I saw Bruenor fall from that tower, and then…I came back to find the town in ruins, and I found his helm in the rubble.”
Catti-brie only stared back at him. Suddenly she could understand where his thoughts had been all this time, and she couldn’t begin to imagine his grief. Here she had thought Drizzt was dead when he didn’t return to them, and all the while he had seen Shallows fall, with no knowledge of how Regis’ plan had helped the companions to escape the town with their lives. Drizzt had–somewhat rightfully–watched Bruenor die.
“Yer not too far off, I suppose. Bruenor was in rough shape after the fightin’ was done. The priests thought him dead,” the woman said with a disbelieving laugh. At Drizzt’s questioning look she added, “But he’ll be wantin’ to tell that story himself, to be sure.”
“But you’re all safe,” Drizzt breathed, unable to stop the smile from growing on his face. “But what of your leg, are you alright?”
“My hip,” Catti-brie groaned. “Truly, ‘is nothin’ at all. Bruenor and the clerics are makin’ a fuss out of me scratches when there’s plenty o’ dwarves took a harder beating than me when the orcs pushed into the hall.”
Drizzt looked at her skeptically. He had personally seen how much pain she’d been in when she hit the wall and knew there was more to her story than what she was saying. Worse still, he knew the woman well, and knew too that she would downplay the severity of her wounds even if she had taken a sword directly to the heart. But she was here and walking around, so Drizzt decided that was enough for the time being. He resolved that he would be more careful with her in the future, whether she liked it or not, and he had little doubt that Bruenor would tell him the story in full, after the tale of his glorious resurrection, of course.
A clattering sound drew their attention to a pair of dwarves pushing a heavy cart down the hall toward them, and Drizzt was reminded all too keenly of the fact that they were still in a very public space. He felt Catti’s fingers interlock with his as she turned.
“I think we’d best be movin’ on. And I’m for thinkin’ we have a lot of talkin’ yet to do,” the woman said.
Drizzt was inclined to agree with her. They took a step forward toward the main hall and she grunted in pain at the first step, only further confirming Drizzt’s suspicions. For a moment he considered fetching her cane from outside the eastern gate again, but he couldn’t be sure how much time had passed and whether someone else had collected it for her. Worse still, he wasn’t sure he was quite ready to face his other friends again after the somewhat rude greeting he had given them. There would be time to mend those walls after he’d caught up with Catti-brie first, he conceded.
He offered her his shoulder as they walked then, and felt a stab of sympathy when she made no move to reject or complain about his offer. She must have been in a great deal of pain indeed to not take him up on the offer without complaint. Still, it felt good that she trusted him enough to show this subtle vulnerability. He took her added weight with pleasure as she led the way through the corridors.
The cool stone walkways of Mithral Hall were not altogether unkind to the ways and sensibilities of a dark elf, even if Drizzt’s heart ever ached for the open sky and the feeling of the wind on his face. For a time though, he couldn’t imagine a place he would rather be than in the kingdom of his dear friend. It was as near to home as he had, and even if the hall felt claustrophobic and stifling after a time, returning to the dwarven stronghold brought a feeling of peace and comfort to him. He was home, with Catti-brie on his shoulder, and the rest of his dearest friends being no more than a few winding tunnels away.
Drizzt had wondered where the woman was leading them for a time, then found his curiosity sated as she brought him round to the tunnel where their sleeping quarters were nestled. Drizzt’s own room was not far along this hallway, no doubt untouched since his last departure. It was always waiting for him, no matter how many times the drow insisted that he did not need such a permanent space. But, such was Bruenor’s stubborn insistence as the king of Mithral Hall.
Before long they reached Catti-brie’s room. The woman pushed the door open, releasing her grip on Drizzt as she limped inside, though he noticed well how heavily she leaned on the door for support as she did. He kept the observation to himself though for her sake. She shut the door behind him and limped the last few steps to the bed, sighing as she sat down on its edge. Drizzt remained standing before her as the silence stretched out between them.
“I’m glad I get to-” Drizzt started.
“I need ye to know-” Catti-brie said at the same time.
They shared a quiet laugh between them for a moment before Drizzt said, “You first, then.”
The woman smiled nervously and gazed down at the floor for a time, gathering her thoughts. With a soft sigh she rose to her feet again, leaning a bit on the bed frame rather than put her full weight on her injured hip.
Her eyes were soft and uncharacteristically vulnerable as she murmured, “I’ve a lot to say. Might be ye’d wished you speaked it first afore I had the chance.”
“Or maybe I want to hear everything you have to say,” Drizzt insisted. “At least, before I make a fool of myself.”
Catti-brie smiled at that, seemingly put at ease by his words. With a long breath she began, “Yer knowin’ I nearly married Wulfgar.”
Drizzt did well to hide his reaction at her words. He stood by his belief that he could have been happy if they had been married after all. Wulfgar was his friend as surely as Catti-brie was, and they made for a far smarter match than the pairing of a human with an elf. He loved them both dearly enough that he wanted their happiness above all else.
“We are all sorry that he is a different man now. He has been through a great deal, but I know it cannot be easy for you either,” Drizzt said with sympathy, though the woman was shaking her head even as he spoke.
“Thing is,” Catti-brie continued, “I don’t think I e’er shoulda been with him. Even before Errtu. It’s just that he was a man, and the only one I knowed of me own kind for all the time I spent with Battlehammers.”
Drizzt nodded as he followed along. “And you’ve ruled out the dwarves? I hear Pwent finds you quite the handsome woman, if only you had a better beard.”
Catti-brie snorted with laughter in surprise and covered her mouth self-consciously. “I’m bein’ serious Drizzt.”
He had deflected a serious conversation, which wasn’t much like him at all. But he had sensed that with all the grim experiences around them, she could stand to share a laugh for just a moment. Even so, he still wasn’t catching on to her point at all and wondered where she was going with it, though the mention of Wulfgar had his stomach rolling into knots. Perhaps he had erred when he hugged the woman. Then again, he thought she had been the one to pull him into a kiss, but he couldn’t be entirely sure.
“It felt right bein’ with Wulfgar then,” Catti-brie continued as the smile drifted slowly from her features. “Like I was supposed ta be with a man and I was doin’ the right thing. I loved him, and we were two humans, so that’s what we’re to be doin’, right?”
Drizzt frowned slightly. He still wasn’t sure where she was guiding the conversation, but he was gladder than ever that he had allowed her to speak first so he didn’t make a fool of himself with the full-blown love confession he had been starting to prepare. She seemed to be looking away from him as she put her thoughts in order, and when she spoke it was like she was still trying to decipher her feelings as she spoke them.
There was a long pause before Catti-brie added, “But the older I’m getting the more I’m realizin’ that it wasn’t the path for me, even if he’d stayed. I was tryin’ to choose what seemed right, what was lookin’ to me like the smart option. So I was tied between all these options and none of ‘em seemed like it fit the one I wanted and the one that was best for me all at the same time. So for years I did nothin’ ‘bout it. Seemed easier than makin’ a choice, and better still ‘n makin’ the wrong one.
“Maybe I’m talkin’ circles. My point is that I realized I have to makin’ a choice afore it’s made up for me. I’m wantin’ kids of me own but it seems I’m losin’ the time for it. I want to live a full life and everythin’ it has to offer, but that orc’s axe almost took that from me too.
“So I think what I’m sayin’ is, I need to make a decision for meself. I can’t keep goin’ on like this and let me life pass me by while I’m doin’ nothin’ but waving as it passes. I want to do the things that I enjoy, and find some meanin’ in this short lil life o’ mine.”
There was something endearing in the way her dwarven accent came out the longer she spoke. She was clearly very emotional as she poured out the words to the best of her ability, and all but prayed that they came out coherently. Drizzt tried to follow along with her, really he did. In a way he had come to much the same conclusion as her about the importance of embracing life’s pleasures, and yet he couldn’t know where that epiphany had brought her. He thought he could have guessed, but he didn’t dare make that assumption without a clearer sign from her. But she was waiting for him to say something as the silence stretched between them.
“Then maybe it is good to find enjoyment wherever you can. Embrace life’s moments to its fullest,” he said. It was his best offer of sage advice, though he knew it was incredibly vague.
“And I thought you were dead,” Catti-brie breathed quietly, almost sighed into the open air after a long pause. “Moradin’s beard I thought I’d never see ye again. I thought about ye more’n I ought ta over the past months…and I’m for thinkin’ I’ve made up my mind.”
When Drizzt looked back at her he saw that her eyes were on his again, gauging his response. In a way, her words confirmed every single thing he had ever wanted to hear, but in that same train of thought he couldn’t help but wonder whether she was implying what he hoped, or if he was reading into her words. He swallowed past the lump in his throat as he thought back to the moment he’d scooped her up into her arms, to the exact instant where she had kissed him. He had to assume he was guessing this right, and consequences be damned if he made a fool of himself now. He could handle a moment of embarrassment, if there was even a chance that he could embrace the here and now, as Innovindil had taught him.
“Every day I thought of you,” he whispered, and watched as Catti-bree’s face turned attentive, like she was hanging on his every word. “I thought you were surely dead after seeing the destruction of Shallows. I spent many weeks with Innovindil, the elf you saw me with as we landed. I told her often of my grief for you, and for Bruenor, and for Regis and Wulfgar. She was a much-needed companion in my sorrow.”
Drizzt saw Catti’s face fall and knew she was starting to get the wrong idea. So he shifted gears slightly and stepped forward, resting two fingers under her chin and gently guiding her watery blue eyes to look up at him again.
“One night we sat together looking out at the stars and she kissed me. I was alone and confused, and when she pulled away she told me something that I’ll never forget. Can you guess what that is?”
Catti-brie looked hurt as she shook her head.
Drizzt continued, a little self-conscious of his confession and how it might sound, “She said your name. Innovindil asked me if I could be with her without thinking of you. She asked if I could bear to live with myself if I found out that you were still alive after all. And ever since that night I pushed myself to discover once and for all what happened at Shallows. I know now that I was running from my grief. I believed you dead, and I wanted more than anything to escape that terrible feeling. Do you know why?”
Again the woman shook her head. Drizzt was pouring his heart into the words but felt more like he was digging himself into a hole. His last shot was to try to be honest with Catti-brie. He grabbed her hands in his and looked back up into her rich eyes as he tried to find the words.
“It is because of all my regret. For all the years we spent together I have loved you, but always I have kept you at arm’s reach because I was terrified of losing you. I’m still terrified, and yet I know now what that loss is like. And how much more terrible that loss is when I never let myself love you as fully as I wanted to; as fully as you deserved. Always I have been terrified of the future, whatever that may hold. And so I kept you apart from me through all the years and prayed that it would make my grief easier in time. I see now how foolish that road is. Because when I thought I’d lost you, the thing that hurt me the most was knowing that I never truly had you.”
He couldn’t read the expression on her face. She seemed close to tears, or perhaps close to hitting him. He couldn’t be entirely sure where her mind was as her blue eyes bore into his, a terrible mixture of softness and intensity that had him reeling. But he had bared his heart for her to see, and he was ready for whatever her answer was.
“Oh, Drizzt,” Catti-brie breathed, and he prepared himself for the worst. “Gods, but you’ve always had me.”
Then those blue eyes closed and she leaned in, burying him in a fierce kiss even as she wrapped her arms tight around his back. Drizzt sighed with relief as he let his own eyes drift shut and melted into the kiss. They had kissed before–normally chaste and teasing touches that meant little more than the familiarity of friends. Even their kiss from earlier had been something more, but was urged on by desperation and tempered by uncertainty. This was something wholly unique: a glimpse of intimacy that had Drizzt’s thoughts drifting off, as if in a dream.
Catti-brie was kissing him, and years of longing and dreaming met in one beautiful, blessed moment. He felt her arms holding him tight and let himself be surrounded on all sides by thoughts of this stunning woman. At long last he was giving in to her taste, to her touch, and he knew with certainty that living in this exact moment was one of the most important and defining moments of his life.
So this is what it is to be an elf.