Chapter Text
The intercom blares out announcements so loud, Reo can still hear them over his earbuds at max volume. Still, it isn't the loud announcements he should be focusing on, rather the train he needs to catch that is about 5 minutes from departure should occupy his focus. He can't bring it in himself to chastise himself too much, as he does make it on to the train with two minutes left to spare, with the pleasant hum of Sabrina Carpenter's Espresso ringing in his ears. Cheesy, much?
An amused huff escapes Reo's lips as he realizes his thoughts. Leave it to him to criticize his own song choices that no one else can listen to (or judge). Still, he justifies to himself, cheesy though it may be, it's appropriate given the situation, and a damn good song, perfect to lift his mood. After all, he has always liked it simple and efficient, with just a hint of drama to spice things up. It's how he's always been, demanding attention from anyone in his presence by merely existing.
(If his traitorous thoughts remind him of his bold declaration of winning the World Cup in his first meeting with his football team at Hakuho high, akin to that of an anime character, Reo simply pays it no mind.)
He decides to focus on his surroundings more intently as the final notes of the song starts fading out, taking out his earphones and closing his phone. He absentmindedly places them both in his work bag, his focus directed on the atmosphere of the subway he's in. England is both vastly different and achingly similar to Japan. In the 7 years he's spent living here, his observations have lead him to the conclusion that he does in fact prefer this country to the one he spent his childhood in, if only for the fact that England represents freedom from all the strings holds him down in Japan, allowing him a newfound sense of independence and surprising peace.
(He refuses to acknowledge how dearly he actually does miss parts of Japan, how he deeply feels the absence of the things he enjoyed about his old life. If the thought of limousine rides, his assistant's voice and the feeling of a certain someone's white hair tickling his neck as they rest their head on his shoulder crosses his mind in a moment of bittersweet silence, that's only for Reo and the recesses of his mind to know.)
He decides to focus on more productive (and frankly, more pressing) matters. The constant focus on productivity, efficiency, and frankly a workaholic attitude that has been drilled into Reo from birth, or at least since he could comprehend thoughts, hasn't yet eased it's claws on him. In fact, Reo believes its increased tenfold.
He does a number of odd jobs nowadays, after all he needed a lot of money to maintain the lifestyle he's used to, but his main job involves working as a secretary/administrative manager for a cushy desk job in a government office that deals with the planning and marketing of welfare programs. A far cry from what was expected of him growing up. But, he's doing good work, and helping people, and earning decent income, so he'll take what he can get. It's been an adjustment, letting go of all the luxuries he grew up with, but there is a certain pleasure in earning your comfort by your own means. And he does still enjoy a life more comfortable than most, even still.
He's working a 9-5 shift at his job today, and then an evening shift from 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. at the public library (It's a side hustle, Reo has expensive tastes, okay!) before he can go home and relax. He lets out a sigh at his schedule, today was going to be another long and tiring day...
An announcement blares once more, snapping Reo out of his thoughts and alerting him that his destination was around 10 minutes away. Now was a good time to start mentally preparing for his day.
He started to go through all his necessities for the day, checking his bag as he mentally went through his checklist. Phone? Check. File with the documents to be reviewed today? Check. Charger? Laptop? Pens? The paper work his boss asked him to complete even though it wasn't part of his job? All check.
His anxiety, present before each work day, started to calm down at last. Curse his upbringing for making him a paranoid over-thinker. He finally catches sight of himself in the window of his train, his reflection sporting a frown on his face.
That won't do, now would it? Reo needed a positive start to his day. You're never fully dressed without a smile, and what not. He takes out a compact mirror that he keeps in the back pocket of his bag, and inspects himself. The frown decorating his face is gone, a pleasant customer service employee smile replacing it. Reo observes the rest of his face, noting how the faint eyeliner coating his eyes remains nice and crisp, and the tiny hint of lip gloss painting his lips also remains un-smudged. He got into the habit of regularly wearing makeup outside, because it makes him appear more professional (and older, less like the confused child he was when he first started working), and admittedly suits his face. Reo (as he has always known, he's very self aware), is not above vanity. He likes how he looks with Makeup on, sue him. He's grown up from the oblivious 18 year old he was, he's 25 now!
He's changed a lot since then, appearance wise especially. His asymmetrical bangs remain, but he's grown his hair out, to where it now reaches just past his shoulders. He can now actually tie his hair up into a high ponytail, and an actual bun! He also got his ears pierced and now regularly wears earrings. His fashion sense has evolved, as has his gracefulness and elegance. He's a really mature and well adjusted adult now, thank you very much!
So yeah, he's a totally different person now, both in looks and personality!
And before he spirals further into a mental breakdown in an attempt to justify how much different he is, the train finally stops at Reo's destination.
He takes a deep breath to steady himself, he needs to regain control, composure and confidence before heading into work. He gets up and makes his way out with the other passengers. He once again takes a deep breath as he stands at his stop.
Today is going to be one of those days, isn't it?
.
.
.
Today was, to put it kindly, a deeply painful, troublesome and hassle of a day.
The word hassle should not be pulling at Reo's heartstrings right now. He had bigger things to worry about. A single word should not be reminding him of some of the most painful moments of his life, and a person who Reo really should forget about.
(The memory is still clear in his head, despite it being 8 years. 'You're a hassle, Reo.' God, Reo really is pathetic, isn't he?)
This is exactly the reason why today sucks so much. Every so often, Reo has some days where no matter how hard he tries, he still ends up feeling like shit, left raw and vulnerable to pain. Sometimes, you just have bad, depressing days. Healing isn't linear, after all.
It's at times like this, days like this, moments like this, that Reo really, really misses Ba-ya. Ba-ya, who always helped him, who was always there, a constant in his life. He can hear her voice clearly in his head even now, gently scolding him as if she were here, a soft 'You really are sentimental, young master'.
Ba-ya still works under his parents, hence why Reo can't keep in contact with her as much as he would like. He doesn't want Baya to get in trouble, after all. Ba-ya and him still remain in correspondence, though, meeting bi-yearly to catch up. And each time she offers to give up her life in favor of living closer to him, and each time Reo refuses, urging her to focus on herself.
Reo doesn't want her to compromise her own life for his sake, no matter how much he misses her. His parents are still attempting to find him after all, and he doesn't want Baya to end up in the crossfire.
These are the thoughts running through his mind as he sits behind the receptionist counter at the public library. He hasn't had a moment to himself to sort out his thoughts until now. He taps his fingers on his desk, eyeing the clock. 9 p.m. , it reads.
He lets out a sigh. There's no one in the library now, leaving it completely deserted excluding him. He just wants to pack up and go home, ready to sleep away this shitty day. His boss is in towards the back room of the library, reorganizing something. He could ask her for an early leave today, she's nice enough.
As he plots his escape from the book shop, a man enters the shop, ringing the bell on the door as he steps in. Reo suppresses a groan, hoping this would be an easy customer who will leave quickly. To his surprise though, he recognizes the customer.
"Reo!" The man exclaims, and Reo flinches at his volume. However, any annoyance he has quickly disappears as he registers the man in front of him. It's his friend, who may just be his ticket out of here if he plays his cards right.
"How's my favourite barista, sorry, librarian, doing?" He says, in English (this is England, after all), holding out a bouquet of roses for Reo. Reo huffs out an amused "Who allowed you to be so cheerful this late?". His English is pretty good by now, he did spend the last 7 years here after all. With a smile on his face, he accepts the bouquet.
Reo looks at the man once more, the man whose name is Theodore Rose. Reo met him 2 years ago, when he used to work part time as a barista at a cafe near his house. Theo, as he insists Reo call him, works as a detective for the police force in London, and has grown rather fond of Reo. And really, who is Reo to turn away a guy who treats him like he's the most precious person in existence?
The two have been casually dating for the past 2 years, with Theo taking him on very cute dates and buying him free drinks whenever he could. Really, who is Reo to turn away such a nice guy who gets him free alcohol?
That's where Reo hopes things head tonight also, he needs some alcohol in his blood to make up for the shitty day he's had. Theo is objectively handsome, and a pleasant guy to be around. Their relationship isn't really that serious, which is exactly what Reo needs.
Being with Theo is mindless fun. That's why Reo likes him.
Theo starts chatting away, and Reo responds in lighthearted teases and flirty jabs. "So, Mr.Librarian, would you be free to accompany me for a dinner date? Free of charge, of course."
Perfect, Reo thinks. "I would have accepted even if it weren't, but good to know~" Reo coos into his ear. He also kisses him on the cheek to seal the deal. It's cringe, yes, and Reo is lying to his face, but it works. Theo's face has nice pink coloring to it, with him muttering out a "Such a charmer, you're lucky you're cute." under his breath.
"Hey, hey, Aunty! Mind if I borrow your librarian today?" Theo yells at the door behind the reception. A disgruntled woman in her 60's, who Reo knows as his boss, comes out. "People come here to borrow books, troublesome child." She pointedly tells him, the two becoming familiar with each other due to how often Theo comes to the library to meet Reo.
Theo gives her puppy eyes, and she groans out in annoyance. Despite Theo visiting often, he has never once asked Reo to leave with him. She shifts her gaze toward Reo, who simply shrugs his shoulders, yet gives her a hopeful look. She relents at last, yelling a "Fine! But just this once, don't make this a reoccurring thing, okay! I'm looking at you, Reo!".
Theo all but drags Reo outside, leading him to yell out a frantic "Thanks, Boss!" as he scrambles to gather his things. Reo swears he hears a "Enjoy yourselves, Lovebirds!" as he's pulled out the door, but he's far too tired to care. At last, he's out of there, free to drink to his heart's content.
Things are finally looking up today. Naturally, this is when the universe decides to once more ruin his day. As he looks up towards the bustling night sky, he makes out a billboard with the words, "Japanese National Football Team to be in London for a press conference!" He can't make out the rest, including the dates, but even just that snippet is quick to sour his mood. His heart feels like it's been dropped, earlier enthusiasm vanishing into nothingness.
Because, really? Is this really happening? Today of all days? Reo has been working nonstop for the past few days, but there's no way he would have missed an announcement this big. Panic begins to settle in, irrationality clouding all his senses. Because he can't deal with this, he can't! He just can't. He can't face those people, can't bare to look at them. He can't, he can't, he fucking can't!
And all too quickly, a worried "Reo? Are you okay? Reo?!" snaps him out of his thoughts. And Reo can finally breathe again, looking at Theo as he quickly regains himself. "Yes, sorry. I wasn't paying attention. What's wrong?" He asks in response.
"That should be my question. You just stopped talking and responding to me!" Was Theo's very fair response. "Sorry, sorry. I just spaced out. Where are we going?" Reo finally calmed himself down enough to redirect the conversation.
Theo seemed satisfied enough, and immediately started talking, to which Reo responded with nods and the occasional one word answer. However, he was still internally calming himself down. He probably read the billboard wrong, and besides, even if it were true, what were the chances that he would end up meeting someone who he knew. The chances of running into them was near 0. There was nothing to worry about!
Still, his traitorous mind chose to focus on, 'there's still a chance!?' rather than the other stuff. Whatever, he'd rather think about this issue later. God, he really needs that drink now....
.
.
.
And that's how he ends up in his current situation. Reo really should have noticed something was off when they got to the restaurant. But his paranoid ass was busy panicking about meeting a certain guy who shall not be named because he totally doesn't matter to Reo . It was way fancier than their usual spots, being akin to something that his parents might choose. In fact, Reo did notice it, but decided to go against his gut and just raise a questioning eyebrow at Theo, who was kinda ignoring him.
Red flag number two came when they were seated at their table (He made a reservation? Another weird thing, why would you plan a spontaneous date in advance? Unless it isn't, in fact, spontaneous.) and began to order. And they actually ordered good and expensive food to eat, when normally they just ordered drinks and maybe some dessert if they were in the mood. Actually, Theo didn't order any drinks. Red flag no. 4?
Theo also seems to be on edge. Like, Tokimitsu levels of anxious. God, is he being broken up with? That would explain a lot of his behaviour. Reo's been trying not to jump to conclusions, but god is Theo being cryptic. His "Theo, aren't we drinking today?" was met with a "I'd rather you not be drunk tonight.". But he did relent at seeing Reo's crestfallen face, letting him get a bottle of wine.
Wow, he really must be planning to break up with Reo. Because, why else would he not want him drunk? And why did he fold so easily then? That's the whole reason they were dating. Theo got Reo's attention in exchange for free booze. And, Reo begrudgingly admits as he sips his wine, that Theo himself wasn't too bad either. The wine has gotten him to focus more, ironically. In fact, Reo was quite fond of him. Theo worked hard, was kind and nice, and treated Reo very well. Well, at least he wasn’t thinking of the Japanese football team? Oh shoot, he just did…
Well, better to rip the bandaid off quickly. They were both eating the overpriced food they ordered, (his parents really would like this place!), and there was an awkward silence surrounding them (the food wasn't even that good, but Reo did have impossibly high standards). Theo had ordered some fancy pizza, which he finished and was now staring at Reo, while Reo had ordered pasta, that he was enjoying the last few bites of (though, enjoying is a stretch, he's more tensed than anything really).
Let's get it over with, Reo thought, taking his final bite. As if his day could get any worse. "Sorry, is something up with you? Do you have something to s-" Reo began, and just as quickly shut up as Theo cut him off. "You look very pretty today! I mean, you're always pretty, but like.. You get what I mean, yeah!?" Was Theo's great confession, spilling out at record speed, nervousness laced in every word. "What." Was Reo's very confused response, and Theo started apologizing for offending him.
This didn't make any sense. Reo could hardly pay attention to Theo, instead trying to make sense of what was going on. Theo was so nervous, to tell him that he's pretty? That doesn't sound like something you'd tell someone to break up with them. It's weird, out of character. Theo's always commented positively on Reo's appearance, but never like this.
Reo didn't even look particularly good today. He had a large black and white oversized sweater with a heart pattern and pearl appliqué on, with some wide legged black pants and black boots on. His accessories weren't anything special either. A simple gold heart locket chain, gold hoop earrings and a pearl bracelet adorned him (All of which was fake, of course. Reo didn't have the money for such things any more.) With his tied up hair, beige overcoat and work bag, he looked like the average worker. Nothing about his appearance was out of the ordinary.
Theo was still nervous, and Reo could not figure out why. This is the opposite of what he wanted. Being with Theo was supposed to be easy, mindless fun. Maybe Reo should break up with him?
Reo pushed aside his thoughts. As if that were a valid reason for breaking up with someone. Maybe the alcohol was finally getting to him.
But what could be the problem? Maybe Theo was horny or something? Reo doesn't think he can help with that though, the two have never gotten intimate farther than chaste kisses. And Reo is decidedly not in the mood. If he's being completely honest, he doesn't think he'll ever be comfy enough with Theo to justify sleeping with him.
This isn't going anywhere, Reo thinks, as he focuses once again on Theo, who's still rambling out apologies. And Reo's sick of playing guessing tonight. Time to take control of the conversation.
"Theo, look at me, and do not say a word unless I'm done talking. Not. A. Word." Reo said in his serious authoritative voice (courtesy of his father, who wanted his son to be nothing less than a perfect leader), finally capturing Theo's full attention. Theo nodded at him, seemingly worried but urging him to go on.
"You've been acting weird ever since we got here. Either you've committed some horrible mistake and are hiding it from me, or you have something important to tell me. We both know I can be very impatient when I'm suspicious. So, spit. It. Out." Reo said with as much assertiveness as he could muster. Why was the world against him today???
Suffice to say, Reo did not expect Theo's next words. Even the Oracle of Delphi certainly couldn't predict what was going to happen next.
"Yeah, you're right Reo." Theo began (when was Reo ever wrong???). "There's no point beating around the bush any longer." He put his hand in his pocket and knelt down on one knee. "We've been dating for 2 years now, and I don't think I will like anyone as much as you." And out came the ring, and a simple, "Will you marry me, Reo?".
.
.
.
Reo did not accept the proposal. In fact, he almost started crying out in panic at Theo's proposal. This night just keeps looking up, doesn't it?
.
.
.
And that's how Reo finds himself at this bench in a random bridge in London, at midnight, facing streetlights and the water. It isn't too terribly crowded, the night life of the people going on without any notice of his presence, and the salty air brushing past his face almost feels refreshing.
Almost.
Maybe rushing out of the restaurant without answering Theo was a bad move, made in a panic driven haste. But Reo had very little choice, for the tears threatening to spill out of his eyes took priority over any form of courtesy.
His phone was buzzing with missed calls and texts, all from Theo. God, he probably really embarrassed Theo, hadn't he? He did it in public too.
He owed Theo an apology, or at least a single message about his whereabouts so that he doesn't spend the night worrying over Reo's safety.
He quickly types something out on his phone, and sends it to Theo.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me ———> Theodore <3
I'm really sorry about the dinner.
Sent 12:13
But I'm not sure about the proposal. It came out of nowhere for me. Needless to say, I was quite overwhelmed. I hadn't given marriage much thought. But this is a huge step for me, because Marriage means a lot for me. So, can you please give me sometime to arrange my thoughts and think it over? I don't want to give you an answer made in haste and go back on it. I'm also safe, don't worry about it.
Sent 12:17
[Seen 12:17]
I understand. I get that this is a big decision. I'll be waiting.
Sent 12:21
[Seen 12:21]
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
And with that, his phone finally stopped buzzing. Theo knew when to back off. Such a gentleman.
With no more disturbances, Reo finally started crying. The tears were kept at bay by shear willpower, and now the dam finally broke. Reo didn't even know what he was crying for, simply allowing himself to finally let go of himself and sob out all his frustration of the worst day he had in a while.
Eventually, after all the sobbing had started to die down, Reo got up from the bench. He headed towards the railing, and stared at the deep blue ocean. It was so fucking cold, but it was London, so it was expectedly chilly. Since he got most of his panic out of his system while crying, he was now left with a wired and too present mind, chillingly self aware in trepidation.
It's time for some self analysis. As much as Reo hated it, it was finally time to come to terms with himself. No more delays.
Why did he freak out so badly when Theo proposed?
The answer was simple. Reo didn't expect it. Theo wasn't meant to be a serious relationship, he was, and Reo knows that he's a horrible person, a rebound. Reo wasn't in love with Theo, at least, not enough to even consider marriage. Marriage wasn't something Reo thought about, because the only person he could imagine marrying was someone who he was so close with that he couldn't imagine lying to them or hiding from them.
Someone like, and it hurts to admit this, Nagi Seishiro.
Reo stops that train of thought.
Speaking of, he's lying to Theo. It won't be fair to accept his proposal if he doesn't truly love them. Accepting would be stupidity, on ethical grounds alone.
But Reo's only thinking about his feelings, isn't he? He's basing his arguments against marrying Theo on the assumption that Theo loves him. Which, with a now clear head, Reo doesn't think is true. Why would Theo love him? Reo doesn't contribute in their relationship, leaving everything to Theo.
Marriage is, for all intents and purposes, a contract. It doesn't have to mean love. Marrying Theo is a smart choice. It'll help secure his finances, has many tax benefits and common law benefits. He sounds like a gold digger, but these are important factors to consider in marriage. Marrying Theo will have many long term benefits, if he's planning to continue with his current life, and Reo said himself that Theo is a decent man. He's a pleasant person, and Reo believes that they could lead a very peaceful and fulfilling life together. Maybe eventually, Reo may come to love him.
Why is Theo proposing to him, then? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. Not to Reo, at least. If things go south, Reo's independent enough to follow through with a divorce. It would hurt his finances, but Reo's not desperate. Plus, Reo's a decent judge of character, and Theo hasn't given him any genuine red flags. It's unlikely that things will go bad.
The pros outweigh the cons. So the decision is clear.
Reo should say yes. He should say yes. He can say yes. Theo deserves to hear a yes.
And yet, his voice is stuck in his throat.
Why does it still feel like Reo's missing something? Why is he still hesitating? Why can't he bring himself to make the right decision?
Maybe it's because football is still his dream? Because he hasn't moved on from what happened 8 years ago? From his silly 17 year old self's fantasy? From Blue Lock? From Nagi Seishiro.
Because even though Reo's spent 7 years of his life in England, he still doesn't think of it as his home. He still longs for Japan, and still thinks of going back. Because Reo's current jobs and employment seem like a stepping stone for something greater, like completing side quests for the future. He still practices football, attends matches and hones his skills, despite knowing that he can't play it professionally.
It's time to face reality. Because Reo can't live in a lie any longer, it's time to give up. He lost his dream 8 years ago, when his treasure decided to leave him for Isagi.
Treasure. It's been a while since he's last said that word. It's been a while since he's openly acknowledged Nagi in his thoughts.
He loved Nagi. It's been 8 years, might as well finally accept it. He poured his all into their relationship, into his dream. Nagi, when he thought of his first love, it was football, and Nagi.
But it's been 8 years. Nagi doesn't need him now. So Reo shouldn't want him to.
It's been 8 years. Football isn't in his cards, so Reo can't force it into his future.
He's got a good life. He's got a good job, something he's passionate about, something that helps people, something that lets his potential shine. He's got a good boyfriend, maybe fiancé, someone who cares about him and his comfort. Accepting Theo's proposal is common sense.
It's settled, it's time to move forward from the past. He's going to marry Theo.
Some final tears fall as Reo makes his decision. He comes to senses, and is greeted with the immediate chill of the London night. It's unbearable. He should probably get back home. And he should text Theo to meet up tomorrow, so he can accept his proposal.
Marriage, he's going to get married.
The feeling of relief doesn't come to him, but there is an absence of dread, so Reo will take his wins when he can get them.
He gets up to leave.
And with it comes a declaration, "I'm going to accept, and I'm going to move on." said in his voice. It finalizes his decision.
And then he hears someone yell his name in the distance, asking him to wait. In Japanese.