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From the company that brought your survival horror dreams to life, and then casually tore those dreams to shreds (Capcom), comes yet another mistake in the long line of Resident Evil screw-ups, because heaven forbid that Capcom actually gives fans the horror they know and love.
Umbrella Corps
Jump into the cramped world of the shoot’em up all time low of the entire franchise, that had Xbox One players breathing sighs of relief while they patiently waited for Resident Evil 7.
Step into the combat uniform of a faceless Umbrella goon, in a spinoff that no one asked for, but still got, complete with the maps of previous Resident Evil games, and the fake excitement of an ESports commentator.
Meet 3A-7 (Wait, this guy actually has a name? I was just going to call him Joe. Oh well.) Ahem, meet Joe, another generic soldier protagonist, and guide him through an intricate campaign to…complete objectives? Wait, that’s it? Ugh. I swear, this is the Batman: Arkham challenge maps all over again.
Take control of Joe’s impressive gadgets, including: an electronic backpack that makes all of the clutter in a multiplayer map completely useless (Zombie Jammer), a tiny, clip on shield that protects Joe from bullets, but sucks against combat axes (Arm Shield), and a wicked, insta-kill version of a mountain climber’s best friend (Brainer Axe).
But wait, there’s more. It has a molten lava mode (Heated Brainer Axe).
When Joe becomes too much of a hassle (like everything else in this game), hop online to the multiplayer servers, and come face to face with enemy players who are literal bullet sponges, and teammates who abandon all sort of teamwork in exchange for brutally shooting the (bleep) out of everyone in sight. And settle in as the controls and shooting prove to be more anguishing than Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels.
Take part in one of the three multiplayer modes:
One-Life Match, a team deathmatch where you spend half of the time killing each other, and the other half spectating and reevaluating your life choices, such as the decision to buy this game.
Multi-Mission, a mode that proves to be the ultimate sign that developers didn’t give a (bleep) about this game, as you’re forced to constantly switch objective game modes.
And Four Survivors, which is basically a Hunger Games set in a Resident Evil map, complete with zombies that actually want to do something with their lives, and a voice cameo from good ol’ Albert. Yay.
So, get ready to tear, cut, and shoot your way through this Michael Bay parody, or you could just sit back and play Resident Evil 7 instead.
Starring:
Bugs and Glitches (The Zombies)
The Real Enemy in the Entire Game (The Controls)
Michael Jackson’s Thriller (Zombie Boss)
The Cheerleader from High School (Female Commander)
The Answered Prayers of Every Resident Evil Fan (Albert Wesker Voice Cameo)
All the Things You Could Do With Your Life While Waiting for Players (Multiplayer Loading Screen)
Resident Evil: The Joe Chronicles (3A-7)
Umbrella Bored
So, now that this piece of garbage is out of the way, it’s demolition time. Hit it, Jack. (Jack Baker bursts through the wall while Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball plays in the background)