Work Text:
Robbie: Can anyone hear me
Steve-O: Yes? What is this?
Eds: hi
Robbie: Welcome to our commune
Steve-O: I don’t think that’s what a commune is.
Eds: can three people constitute a commune?
Eds: anyway why do we need a gc just the three of us
Robbie: Trade secrets
Steve: Trade secrets
Eds: …
Eds: ok sure
__________
Group name changed to: The Three Stooges
Eds: nice reference
Robbie: Thank
Steve-O: Thank
Robbie: Fuck you I sent the message too fast
Steve-O: Shrug.
Robbie: DON’T JUST SEND THE WORD SHRUG
Eds: i never know whats happening
__________
Robbie: That was weird right
Eds: ?
Steve-O: Are we finally talking about it?
Eds: about what
Robbie: Yes, I think it’s time
Steve-O: Who’s gonna say it?
Eds: say whar
Steve-O: Whar
Eds: that helps me greatly thank you steve
Steve-O: Of course. We’re talking about how weird Mike and Will were today.
Eds: oh yea mike seemed kinda worked up. and he was kind of mean to will?
Robbie: Should I say it
Steve-O: I don’t know. I could also say it.
Eds: im so confused
Robbie: Together?
Steve-O: Sure.
Robbie: MIKE HAS A CRUSH ON WILL
Steve-O: WILL LIKES MIKE.
Steve-O: Oh. You think Mike likes him back and that’s why he was being weird?
Eds: wait back up
Eds: huh
Robbie: Ever heard of gay people, Edward?
Eds: yes i know about gay people thank you very much. I meant huh as in mike?
Steve-O: What about Mike?
Eds: he’s only dated girls?
Robbie: So? He can’t like both?
Eds: i mean i guess
Steve-O: You “guess”?
Eds: obviously he can i just never thought of it
Eds: whats with the third degree
Robbie: For how gayly you dress it’s starting to seem a bit biphobic around here
Eds: do i really dress in a way that screams gay?
Robbie: I don’t know if you want me to answer that
Eds: anyway why would i be homophobic. you guys know im gay right
Steve-O: What?
Robbie: Oh
Eds: robin you just said i dress gay
Robbie: That doesn’t mean you /are/ gay! I didn’t know
Eds: i literally flag
Robbie: That could’ve been a fashion statement! Barely anyone flags nowadays who knows
Eds: well that settles it then. eddie munson is not and has never been a homophobe
Steve-O: Cool.
Eds: im surprised at how defensive you got over them, steve
Steve: Why? Those are literally my children. I birthed them.
Robbie: You did not birth them
Steve-O: I did.
Eds: just with like. the jocks reputation and everything. im sure some of them were gay but overall they were kinda homophobic
Steve-O: Have we not established yet that I am not the same as every other jock? Didn’t you give me a whole monologue in the Upside Down about how I was different?
Robbie: He what
Eds: ok yea point taken
Robbie: A monologue? A “not like other girls” monologue?
Eds: i wouldnt say /that/
Steve-O: I would.
Steve-O: Also, yes, some jocks are gay. Undeniably.
Robbie: Oh I’m sure
Steve-O: Can it, Rob.
Eds: good to know i guess
__________
Robin & Steve
Steve: Okay, so he clearly doesn’t know that I’m bi.
Robin: Duh
Steve: What was all that about Mike? He seemed surprised at even the slightest possibility that he could like guys too. And did you notice that you said something about being biphobic, and he responded that he wasn’t /homophobic/? Do you think he doesn’t like bi people?
Robin: There are some of those out there
Robin: I mean I hope it was just a misunderstanding
Robin: But yes it was kind of weird considering he’s a gay man
Steve: Yeah. It worries me.
__________
The Three Stooges
Robbie: Listening to Bowie lately
Steve-O: Robin.
Robbie: What? He’s a good singer
Eds: true true
Eds: why bowie?
Robbie: Idk he’s just been on the noggin I guess
Eds: a little crush, perhaps?
Steve-O: LMAO.
Robbie: Not the time Steve
Steve-O: My bad.
Eds: whatd i say
Robbie: I don’t have a crush on Bowie. I’m actually a raging lesbian
Eds: oh cool. nice to have two of us
Robbie: Two. Yes. Right
Steve-O: Who knows, there could be more in our little group that we have.
Eds: doubt it. i mean we flock together but statistically it’d be an anomaly
Robbie: Since when do we not deal with anomalies in this town?
Eds: fair enough
__________
Steve & Robin
Steve: Could you be more obvious?
Robin: I mean probably
Steve: That was a dumb question to ask. Why would I ask that?
Robin: Look, it’s better just to know, isn’t it? Rather than keeping yourself up wondering
Robin: Why do you even care so much anyway?
Robin: Wait
Steve: I don’t.
Robin: Wait wait wait
Steve: No.
Robin: You??? Like him??? You like Eddie
Steve: I do not.
Robin: Steve
Steve: I don’t! He’s just got, like, nice hair and nice hands and he’s nice to the kids and he doesn’t treat me like I’m dumb.
Steve: Shit.
Robin: AHHAHSHAHHSHHAHHHAA
Steve: Don’t laugh at my misfortune.
Robin: Wait actually? It’s kind of not funny if he’s biphobic
Steve: No shit. This makes things way worse.
Robin: He’s gay though! There’s a chance he likes you back
Steve: /Or/ he thinks bi people aren’t real/Are cheaters/Are secretly straight/Need I go on?
Robin: Ugh
Robin: Okay fine. But that means operation Find Out the Truth is of great importance
Steve: If you say so.
__________
The Three Stooges
Steve-O: Date night!
Robbie: Oh lord
Eds: oh? what fair maiden awaits his nobleness?
Steve-O: My date’s name is Alex.
Robbie: Of course it is
Eds: a lovely name for a lovely date, it seems
Robbie: Hope it goes well or whatever
Steve-O: Or whatever?
Robbie: I’m skeptical of Alex and the whole situation
Eds: the whole situation?
Steve-O: Alex is perfectly fine and might be a great date.
Robbie: Fine. I hope you have fun, dingus. Remember what I said though.
Eds: yea have fun
__________
Steve-O: We might have a problem.
Eds: what kind
Steve-O: I tried to talk to Mike and it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I might’ve made things worse.
Robbie: Why would you not consult me first
Steve-O: If I knew the conversation was going to happen before it did I would’ve!
Eds: what conversation
Robin: About Will
Eds: oh rightright
Eds: you guys think mike likes will
Robbie: You don’t?
Eds: eh could be, could be straight boy confusion
Robbie: Jesus. You sure have a way with words, don’t you Edward
Eds: what??? why do you keep calling me edward
Steve: Straight boy confusion. Right.
Steve: Well I talked to him, or tried to. He came to me to talk, which he never does. Talked about how frustrated he felt around him. I may have suggested some things and he did not respond well. He said he would know if he was bisexual and didn’t like it when I told him not everyone knows right away.
Eds: i appreciate what you were trying to do but dont you think it might come off as condescending that some straight guy was trying to talk to him about his potential gayness
Steve-O: It was an in depth conversation. That wasn’t part of the issue.
Eds: but someone more… qualified maybe should’ve taken that one
Robbie: Eddie I love you, I do, but sometimes you say inside thoughts and it hurts
Eds: what? if hes gay shouldnt one of us talk to him?
Robbie: Bisexual, and Steve is closer with the kids than both of us. You know that. He’s their mom
Eds: sorry steve, i didnt mean it in a bad way
__________
Eds: seen steve around lately?
Robbie: Ugh, he’s always with Alex these days
Robbie: Maybe if I say his name three times he’ll show up
Robbie: Steve steve steve
Robbie: Hmmmmmmm
Robbie: Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve
Steve-O: Jesus, why are you blowing up my phone? I’m on a date.
Eds: sorry man i was just wondering where youve been
Steve-O: Just a little busy lately, is all.
Robbie: With Alex
Steve-O: Unnecessary to add, but yes.
Robbie: Too busy for us
Steve-O: I didn’t say that. Look, why don’t we all have a movie night soon, the three of us?
Robbie: Hm. Reluctantly approved
Eds: sure
Steve-O: Cool, we’ll sort out the details when we see each other next.
__________
Robin & Eddie
Robin: What the hell was that
Eds: youre four feet away from me why are you texting
Robin: So Steve doesn’t hear, duh! Why were you ogling him
Eds: i wasnt ogling
Robin: Eddie. Spill right now or so help me
Eddie: fine! hes hot is that what you want me to say
Robin: As in you just find him attractive or you want to date him?
Eddie: does it matter hes in a relationship
Robin: Yes, for research purposes
Eddie: fine i like him in a romantic way. happy?
Robin: Yes
Eddie: cryptic as fuck but ok
__________
Steve & Robin
Robin: You have to tell him
Steve: Tell who what?
Robin: Tell Eddie how you feel
Steve: How many times have we been over this? I’m getting over him. I’m with Alex now, remember?
Robin: But what if he liked you back
Steve: He doesn’t.
Robin: What if he did
Steve: Why are you being so weird right now? What did you do?
Robin: I didn’t do anything
Steve: Then why are you being so pushy about this?
Robin: I can’t break friend code by telling you but you should definitely confess to Eddie
Steve: Definitely not gonna happen.
Robin: You boys are so stubborn
__________
The Three Stooges
Steve-O: Hallelujah!
Robbie: What now
Eds: good news?
Steve-O: Mike snuck out in the middle of the night in the pouring rain to bang on my door. I answer and he’s all blubbering and I can barely understand him so I take him inside and make him hot chocolate and sit him down. I couldn’t tell until we got inside because of the rain but he was crying.
Robbie: Poor little guy
Eds: why was he upset?
Steve-O: He thought about what I said about bisexuality and he does like Will. He just didn’t realize it because he’s always liked girls before and it confused him. So officially a bisexual to add to the ranks.
Eds: oh
Robbie: Finally. They’re gonna get together now, right?
Steve-O: Well, that’s the hard part. I couldn’t convince him that Will likes him back.
Eds: what? that boy is as queer as a $2 bill
Eds: sorry, uncle wayne popped out a bit there
Steve-O: According to him, “just because he likes guys doesn’t mean he likes me”.
Robbie: Why are you boys so difficult
Steve-O: I’m sorry, who’s in a relationship currently?
Robbie: Do you really want to bring that up? Now?
Steve-O: No.
Robbie: Thought so
Eds: so thats it? he just wont try?
Steve-O: I tried to tell him that trying worked out for me in the relationship I’m in now but he pointed out some things I’d rather not talk about so that went nowhere.
Eds: a little out of touch, maybe. taking a chance with a girl is way different from taking a chance with a guy
Steve-O: Oh my god. I can’t take it anymore.
Robbie: Steve, let’s not be hasty
Steve-O: Alex is a man.
Robbie: And hasty he is
Eds: what?
Steve-O: Alex. The person I’m dating. He’s a guy.
Eds: but dont you like girls? going through a fun phase or something?
Robbie: Lord have mercy
Steve-O: Weren’t we just talking about bisexuality?
Eds: oh so youre bi
Steve-O: Yes, I’m bisexual.
Eds: coolcoolcool
Robbie: Problem?
Eds: no problem none at all
Eds: you weren’t gonna tell me?
Steve-O: I was going to, eventually.
Eds: eventually, right
Eds: good for you man
Steve-O: Thanks.
__________
Steve & Robin
Steve: Eddie’s avoiding me.
Robin: Whaaaaaat no he isn’t
Steve: He totally is. What did I tell you? I knew things would get worse and they did.
Robin: I don’t think that’s what’s happening
Steve: What else could be happening, Robin? I even introduced Alex to everyone and he was gone as soon as he had the opportunity to leave. I think Joyce might think he’s homophobic now, which is hilarious.
Robin: Maybe he’s upset you didn’t feel like you could tell him
Steve: Maybe.
Robin: Either way you should talk and clear the air. You can’t avoid each other forever
Steve: Fine. Guess I’ll be the bigger person and hunt him down.
Robin: Oof, bad choice of words. Remember the last time he was hunt down
Steve: Yikes. Yeah. Rewording that. I will find him and we will talk.
Robin: Splendid
__________
Steve & Eddie
Steve: We need to talk, dude.
Eddie: jesus that scared me
Eddie: you never message me on your own, its always in the gc
Eddie: whats wrong
Steve: What’s wrong is you’re avoiding me.
Eddie: whaaat
Eddie: im not avoiding you just busy
Steve: Busy with what? I drive by the trailer every day. I come to see Max, remember? You’re always home if you’re not at Dungeons and Douchebags or band practice.
Eddie: ok first, creepy
Eddie: but also i could be doing things!!! you dont know
Steve: Eddie cut the crap. I know what this is about.
Eddie: theres no way you do. do you?
Steve: So you admit there’s something.
Eddie: shit.
Steve: It’s best if we just clear the air now. That way we can move on and hopefully stay friends.
Eddie: hopefully??? what do you mean hopefully
Steve: I can tolerate a lot of things in friendship but biphobia isn’t one of them.
Eddie: just because i like you doesnt mean we cant be friends anymore
Eddie: what
Steve: What.
Eddie: what the fuck do you mean biphobia??????
Steve: Well, Robin and I were worried that you were one of those people that doesn’t like bisexuals.
Eddie: why??????
Steve: Go and read all of our messages under the lens of possible biphobia, and add in the fact that you were avoiding me.
Eddie: ok
Eddie: well shit it does kinda look like that doesnt it
Eddie: im sorry thats not how i meant to come across at all
Steve: It wasn’t?
Eddie: no im just not in the bi community and i dont know a lot. i can only speak from my own experience
Steve: I guess that makes sense.
Steve: So you have nothing against bisexuals?
Eddie: not at all
Steve: So then, can we go back to the part where you like me?
Eddie: dammit i thought you were gonna let that slide
Steve: Never in a million years would I let that slide.
Steve: Wait a minute.
Steve: You were avoiding me. But it wasn’t just me was it? Were you jealous of Alex?
Eddie: im sorry. please dont end our friendship over this
Steve: That’s hilarious in hindsight.
Steve: Actually, I broke up with him as soon as you said you liked me.
Eddie: what the fuck
Steve: I liked you before I started dating Alex. That’s part of the reason I cared so much that you might not like bi people. Dating him was to kind of get over you, which, like, is a jerky move on my part overall. And it didn’t even work.
Eddie: i
Eddie: did i die? is this heaven? i didnt expect to get here
Steve: You’re very much alive. You better be, I carried your ass out of the Upside Down.
Eddie: that was you???
Steve: Ope. Didn’t mean to let that slip.
Eddie: what the hell is my life
Steve: So now that we’ve established we like each other, what are you gonna do about it?
Eddie: pick you up at 8?
Steve: Call it 7 and we have a deal. Where are you taking me?
Eddie: anywhere you want