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Being with Buck… it just feels normal.
They don’t have to pretend, they don’t even have to talk, it’s as easy as it can be. Sometimes Eddie wishes things would be as smooth-going with his girlfriends. Not that he would want his girlfriends to mirror Buck, it’s just that… if Marisol had behaved just a little more like Buck, they might still be together. Your partner also needs to be your friend, after all, and Buck really is the best friend one could wish for.
Also, if Marisol had abs like that… the whole nun thing might never have come up as a problem because he definitely wouldn’t have been able to keep his hands off her. Not… not that he’d like to touch Buck, it’s not like that, it’s really not.
“Something up?” Buck asks as he catches Eddie’s wandering gaze and finishes clothing by finally pulling his shirt down. Eddie can’t help but notice slight disappointment as the cloth covers up Buck’s naked skin. He likes watching Buck dress - but not in that way, oh lord. He just likes seeing how his best friend takes care of his body. And maybe he is a little envious of those muscles, but that’s it. Chim and Ravi would probably say the exact same thing if he asked them.
“huh? oh, no, nothing.” He shakes his head and grabs his bag to swing it over his shoulder. “Wanna go grab a beer later?”
Buck thinks for a moment and Eddie admires the slight creases on his forehead, as any seeing human would, before Buck finally nods. “Sure thing. I feel like we haven’t hung out in a pretty long time.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agrees. Because of Tommy, they haven’t. But he leaves that part unspoken. He doesn’t want to remind Buck of his ex and really he himself doesn’t want to think about Tommy either. He likes Tommy, sure, but he definitely does less, since he and Buck broke up. Well, maybe even since they started dating, but just because he always kind of sensed it wouldn’t work out and ultimately end in Buck hurting.
“I have to watch Jee this afternoon, but after that I can come over,” Buck says and Eddie just nods in agreement.
Buck has a key to his apartment, of course. Eddie gave it to him right after the tsunami and has been grateful for that decision many times since. Not only because it had proven to be the best idea every time Eddie had been hurt on the job and needed someone to look after Chris, but also because it just… feels right. It feels right that Buck can come there anytime he wants.
It feels right how only a few hours later Buck can open the door himself as if he wasn’t visiting but coming home.
Not that Eddie would want him living here, god no. They’d probably get on each other's nerves pretty soon and also it could send the wrong messages to the girls they’re dating - well, or guys in Buck’s case - but… y'know. It's nice.
Spending time with Buck is nice.
“So, how’s Jee?” Eddie asks as Buck closes the door behind him and immediately makes his way to the fridge to grab a beer for both of them.
“Still the cutest little creature I’ve ever had the luck of meeting,” Buck answers. His smile is infectious.
Eddie grabs the beer out of Buck’s stretched out hand and takes a sip. “Yeah, I can imagine. I still remember Chris being that little.”
It’s easy talking to Buck, it really is. Even when Eddie doesn’t find the words for what he wants to say, Buck understands anyway. That is what a best friend is. Someone who understands and supports you no matter what.
It only gets weird after Buck mentions Tommy.
“You still miss him?” Eddie asks and if he didn’t know it better he’d say he sounds jealous even though he obviously isn’t. Just worried about Buck, that's all.
“Not- not really,” Buck replies and somehow sounds confused, as if he’d just now realized.
“Good.” Eddie says and puts his now empty bottle on the couch table right next to Buck’s.
Buck seems taken aback. Eddie doesn’t know why.
“I thought you liked Tommy,” Buck says and it sounds like a question. A question Eddie doesn’t really want to answer. He’s not even sure if he can.
He only now realizes how exactly they are sitting. Buck’s arm draped over the backrest and Eddie sitting so close Buck’s arm could easily slide down onto his shoulders. A semi-hug that doesn’t involve touching. A position you wouldn’t sit in with anyone who isn’t your best friend. Well, or your partner but that’s besides the point.
“I do like Tommy,” he says carefully “but, you know, he broke your heart. That’s not exactly something I can forgive that easily.”
“You don’t have to start disliking Tommy on my behalf, you know.” Buck smiles.
“Yeah I know,” Eddie chuckles, “I’m doing it anyway. He might be super awesome but you’re still my best friend.”
Buck hums in agreement and Eddie has the feeling of sensing the vibration deep in his bones. There is a moment of silence, both men deep into their own thoughts.
It’s Eddie who finally breaks the quiet.
“Was it different, by the way? You know, with a guy.” he asks curiously, “I always kinda wondered.”
Buck looks at him, brows furrowed in confusion and something else Eddie can’t quite name. “What- what exactly do you mean?”
“Y’know.” Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. “Being with a guy. Is it different than with a woman?” He shrugs. It’s just something straight guys will never know, so why not ask when he has the chance?
“Why do you ask?” Buck’s utter confusion is a bit overdramatic, Eddie thinks. But sometimes Buck just is like that.
“I dunno, general curiosity. I was just wondering what drew you to Tommy instead of, you know, some woman.”
Buck’s gaze is still focused on Eddie’s face and Eddie’s face alone. It’s getting a little… intense, if he’s honest.
“Well, it is different,” Buck says, his words slow and deliberate, “because there are different… tools at hand.”
“And kissing?” Really, it’s not that weird, that he’s asking, right? They’ve talked about their relationships before, this is no different. And yeah, he is picturing Buck and Tommy in bed together, but he’s also done that with other of Buck’s partners. Not in a sexual way, of course.
“Kissing’s not that different. A little beard stubble at best.” Buck’s voice has become a bit lower, Eddie is sure of that. He thinks his has too. He just doesn’t know why.
Eddie’s gaze drops to Buck’s chin. No stubble. He likes the stubble. And yeah, he has imagined it rubbing over his skin, but only in completely normal ways.
He looks up and meets Buck’s gaze. Wow, his girlfriends must really get lost in those eyes. They really are blue. If he was a girl, he’d be super into that.
In any case he is distracted enough to not notice how Buck leans forward. Or maybe he does and just doesn’t care. Or maybe he does care but really wants to know what he’ll do.
Again, just general curiosity.
Buck’s lips touch Eddie’s and suddenly his heart is about to jump out of his chest like an ejection seat from one of the military aircrafts he used to work with. Eddie feels like he might just get an idea of how it must’ve been for Buck to be struck with lightning because right now the air just about fizzles with electricity.
Not in a gay way, though.
It’s really just a touch with two pairs of lips. A little peck like one would give a relative. He’s pretty sure he’s seen Marisol do that with her girlfriends all the time.
It’s not a big thing.
It’s not like there’s any tongue involved or anything.
And before he can even think to imagine how it might be to kiss Buck with tongue - not that he’d never done that before, he’s just curious like that - it’s over. Buck leans back, Eddie’s gaze still lingering on those beautiful lips that touched his. Now they’re curling into a smile. Buck smiles and honestly, Eddie might start to believe in God again because he’s pretty sure that smile alone could let the sun rise after years of darkness.
He really is so thankful to have him as a friend. A best friend.
“Was… was that okay?” Buck sounds unsure, his voice almost unnoticeably trembling with fear and nervosity.
“Sure,” Eddie smiles and pats him on the shoulder, “Why wouldn’t it be? You wouldn’t think twice about hugging me, would you?”
Surprise and relief make their way over Buck’s face, quickly replaced by a frown. “Yeah, but I mean… I- I kissed you.” He talks slowly, like he does when he explains some complicated math problem to Christopher.
“Yeah? So? It’s not like we made out or anything. We didn’t have sex. It was just a simple kiss.” Eddie really doesn’t understand the big deal Buck is making out of this. When he was in middle school he and Philip, his best friend at the time, would practice kissing all the time. And they never made a big deal out of it. Sure, Philip later came out to him as gay and admitted he always kind of had a crush on Eddie, but that still doesn’t make any of that unusual.
Eddie is straight, after all.
Buck seemingly struggles to find words. “But you… Eddie, I don’t think you-”
“Look,” he interrupts. “Let’s not make this awkward when there’s absolutely no need for awkwardness. You’re a good kisser, buddy.”
“I- I am?” Now Buck just looks confused.
“course you are. Never doubted that.”
“You thought about if I was a good kisser or not?”
“I mean… yeah kinda?” Eddie shrugs, “I’m a curious guy, what else is there to say?”
“But for you… all of, uh-” Buck waggles his hand around in the space between them, “all of this was just… you know, friendly?”
Eddie laughs. “What else would it be? You thought I’d be mad at you for kissing me? Why would I?”
A string of emotions blink over Buck’s face, too fast gone for Eddie to really recognize them. Then, Buck’s lips just turn into a smile again, although a strained one.
“O-okay,” he replies, “good… good.” He sounds like he needs to convince himself rather than Eddie but Eddie doesn’t question it. Buck’s probably still coming to terms with his bisexuality and fears Eddie might yet decide to not accept him. As if Eddie would ever do something like that. To Buck of all people.
“You can do it again, though. If you’d like to,” he offers without even thinking. Of course without thinking, otherwise he’d never say something like that, scared of what it could sound like - but it’s Buck. He’ll understand it’s not like that. Eddie just likes kissing, it’s a fun activity otherwise people wouldn’t do it so often. And if they’re both single, why not kiss each other for a change. That doesn’t make him any less straight. But it might make him a little less lonely.
“What, kiss- kiss you?”
Eddie shrugs. “Or not. Wouldn’t have thought I was that bad, though” he smirks.
“No no, you weren’t bad,” Buck agrees and still looks so confused that Eddie can’t help but laugh. “very good actually. I just didn’t think you- you’d wanna do it again…”
Eddie leans forward and places a kiss on Buck’s lips. “There, did it again. There’s really nothing to it.”
Buck blinks.
And Eddie’s pulse might get a little faster but that’s definitely an unrelated issue.
The second time Buck leans forward, his gaze dropping down on Eddie’s lips, an eternity seems to go by until finally Buck’s lips meet his. He really is a good kisser. Even when he does begin to use tongue. Especially when he begins to use tongue.
Eddie isn’t very close to moaning as the tip of Buck’s tongue enters his mouth, he definitely isn’t. And of course he’s not turned on, when Buck pushes him back into a lying position.
Buck’s just getting a little carried away, why would Eddie rid him of his joy? And it’s not like he’s not enjoying this, he is actually. Just in a best friends kinda way.
“Still okay with you?” Buck stops in his motions to look down on Eddie and ask him this breathless question.
“S-sure,” Eddie manages to get out. This whole thing has gone a little further than he’d expected but why stop now? If it makes Buck feel better then why stop?
“Good.”
And that’s everything before they’re at it again. Well okay, that just sounds like… whatever. Eddie decides not to think about it too much.
He doesn’t think about it as their shirts magically disappear, he doesn’t think about it when Buck begins to place little kisses on his naked thigh and he definitely doesn’t think about it when he comes into Buck’s hand, face buried in Buck’s neck.
At some point he will think about it… just not now.
~
“That doesn’t change anything between us, right?” he asks, as soon as he is able to speak again. Which does take a longer time than he’d like to admit.
There is a moment of stunned silence.
“I- I mean…” Buck begins slowly, “I don’t know about you, but I really think it does.”
Eddie turns his head to him. Man, Buck really is handsome. Especially now, with his hair still plastered to his forehead, as if he’d just… well.
“No, but I mean, we’re still best friends, right? Only because this happened doesn’t mean anything has to be different than before. It just… it just happened, you know.”
“Eddie,” Buck stares at him, brows furrowed, but voice amused. “Eddie, we just had sex.”
“I mean yeah, if you phrase it like that…”
“How else should I phrase it?”
“Well-”
He doesn’t know how to answer that question. His gaze turns to the ceiling again.
“We did have sex, haven’t we,” he says and for the first time he does question it.
He’s never had sex with a guy before.
It’s Buck though. His best friend. Does that really count?
He fears it does.
“So then… what does it mean? I’m still not gay.”
Buck smiles and places another kiss on Eddie’s collarbone. “You don't need to be. Admitting that you might just not be as straight as you thought would be enough.”
“I…” Eddie inhales. Deeply. And exhales. “I think I can do that.”
“And admitting that you might be violently in love with me would be even better.” He can hear the smirk in Buck’s voice.
“I- what?!” Rapidly he turns his head, just in time to catch Buck smiling at him so brightly that Eddie thinks he might go blind.
“Because otherwise,” Buck continues, “my feelings would be unrequited and that’d be a real shame because we’d make an awesome couple.”
Oh, Eddie thinks.
“Oh”, Eddie says.
Then, “yeah, I think I can do that.”