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The weather seemed to match your spirits that day, the turbulent winter breeze biting your exposed face as you stomped through the street, trying to avoid body checking the people you pass on the crowded avenue.
You almost had to squint, as darkness encroached over the sky. It was only around five in the afternoon, but winter on this hemisphere meant it was pitch black by six.
You sighed and picked up the pace, just wanting to get home.
A ping on your phone distracted you. While walking, you pulled out the device, eyes scanning the message from your friend you had been waiting for.
While caught in your head, you collide head-on with a very tall stranger. The speed at which you were walking causes you to practically bounce back, ass hitting the pavement, but you were only concerned about the iron-tight grip on your phone. You seriously couldn’t afford a new one right now.
The impact knocked the stranger a few paces back, from your place on the ground, you saw strangely familiar looking shoes walking towards you.
You look up. Your heart freezes in your chest. “Natasha?”
The entire street was dark, but illuminated under the lamppost, you could never miss that shade of red.
Oh god. What was she doing here? Was she following me?
There, with her towering above your disheveled form, the light behind her, the hand that reached out seemed to be offered to you by an angel. You shook your head in order to clear it. No. This woman was certainly no angel.
You took her calloused hand in yours and allowed her to lift you effortlessly off the ground, a small, abashed smile on her lips. As if you weighed nothing. Still showing off, even now. But you weren’t impressed anymore, the flutter in your chest was fear, not love. Even if you needed to say it to remind yourself.
“Hi detka” She breathes finally. The delicious raspiness of her voice hitting your heart like a bullet. You bite your tongue to refrain from reprimanding her for calling you baby.
“Thank you. I’m sorry I bumped into you.” You manage to bite out, retracting your hand and taking a few steps back from her, if only to not have to inhale her intoxicating perfume.
She tilts her head, sage green eyes locked onto yours. “It’s okay, We were both on our phones I suppose.” She says softly. As if afraid speaking normally might cause you to bolt. And you wouldn’t blame her, because It honestly just might.
“y/n-” She reaches a gloved hand out to your arm. You react, abruptly turning your shoulder away, right foot taking a step back. “Don’t.” You don’t miss the hurt in her eyes as you turn your head away, staring at the pavement, before glaring at her out of the corner of your eye.
“Did you follow me here? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you anywhere so.. populated.” I spit at her, straightening myself out. My gaze remains hard as it settles on hers.
“Don’t be silly.” She responds curtly.
You can’t hold back your incredulous scoff. Just then, gust of frigid air blows your face near numb, billowing around Natasha’s perfect curls, mussing them just so.
You see her swallow, and you know she’s about to speak. About to say something that will only infect the open wound on your heart.
“I do miss you though.” Her voice is somber, you even think you hear it crack.
An act. You remind yourself. She’s a very good actress.
“Save it, Natalie.” You sniff. She scowls.
“Please, just, get dinner with me. The Italian place you like? I can-”
“No.” You glare harshly up at her, crossing your arms over your heavy coat.
“We’re not getting dinner. We’re not doing drinks, just so you can get me back to your apartment and have me forget about this! This is not like the last time, Natasha. Fool me once, and all that? I Don’t. Want. To. See. You!” Tears prick at the corners of your eyes, you can’t hide the desperation in your voice.. “I am scared of you.” You added, slowly and quietly, voice wobbling with emotion.
Your gaze falls to her perfect pink lips. Set into a pout at your words. The natural color darkened by the cold. It felt near impossible to let go of her. Truthfully you still felt lost without her, even now. Even knowing everything. Memories attempted to plague your thoughts as she exhaled softly, breath visible under the streetlight.
“Listen, I’m not doing it anymore, okay? I’m done. I told them I quit. Nothing is more important than you. Nothing in the world.” She stares unblinkingly.
“Right. And are there puppies and kitties being shit out of rainbows in that world?.” You mock her. The look she fixes you with is hard to read, almost expressionless, but definitely disappointed. You can tell by the slight crease between her perfectly manicured eyebrows. Stupidly, she reaches out again. I dodge her advances once again, almost bumping into a man. You both get reprimanded before he is on his way.
Natasha’s attention is not stolen from me for a moment. “Please, can we just get a cup of coffee?”
“No. Natasha, we’ve done this before.” You lower your voice, taking your first step forward. “We both know how this goes. You won’t quit, you won’t. And I'll be alone in your apartment while you are at work for weeks. Or worse. You had a thousand chances, and you took none of them.”
Your harsh voice lowers to a whisper, wary of bypassers, and you don’t miss the way she inhales as you lean closer. “You will never quit that job because you don’t know how to not kill people for a living. I am no longer along for the ride, do you understand me? Wherever you are, chaos and destruction follow.. It's… It’s...” Your voice breaks at the glossiness in Natasha’s eyes. You take a moment to swallow your tears “Hey, it's your life. I get it. I just don’t need it anymore.”
“No, No please.” Her hand cupped your cheek, the leather of her glove ice cold against your flushed skin. “Tomorrow morning? I know it’s your day off and.. I’ll explain everything and.. Please, I love you..” Her voice cracks and your stomach twists. She knows the words you can't bring yourself to say. That you love her too. In all her fucked up glory. You wouldn't still be standing here if you didn't. It wouldn't be this hard to walk away.
“It’s better this way.”
“To not even try?” She whispers, barely able to say it. There you see it. Something behind her eyes, that glint of darkness. Possessiveness.
You nod, removing her hand from your face.
“It’s better we leave it, give it some time?” You suggest insincerely. You searched her face, though you didn’t know what you were hoping to find. You needed to get it through your head that this was not a woman to be trusted. She stared blankly at you, almost far-away.
“I love you, too. But I can’t. I j- it’s never just coffee, is it?” I can’t blink back my tears anymore.
You turn your gaze to her shoes, because looking at her stupid gorgeous face causes your brain to turn into mush. And you need to think, you need to walk.. away…
Looking at her shoes, you notice the heavy black boots. Her “hiking boots”. Studying her figure in the silence, you notice the long overcoat she’s wearing doesn’t quite cover her legs, exposing the tactical gear underneath.
Your tears dry instantly, it becomes hard to swallow.
Natasha notices. She knows that you know. She always knows.
Your gaze snaps to hers, eyes hardened into daggers. “Seriously?”
“Seriously, Natasha, you’re on a job?”
Her eyebrows scrunched in despair. She opened her mouth but you put a finger up to stop her.
“Don’t even open your mouth if the next words out of it are lies.” You snap.
“I’m sorry.” She whispers. Her beautiful face marred by a suprisingly unmasked mixture of guilt, shame, and hurt.
“I know. It’s fine.” I hold back a guffaw of laughter. You know what, “Its fine, Natasha. Please, I’m sorry I’ve held you up. I don't think you have time for coffee. Go ahead, go put some more red in your ledge, but for the last time, leave me out of it.” You spat, stepping away from her and pushing in front of a slow-moving old woman.
You didn’t look back, didn’t wait for a reaction, you didn’t need one. You were done with the darkness she brought. Her lies destroyed your life, destruction followed her.
Even if some fucked up part of you still loved her, there was no amount of espresso beans in the world that could repair the damage.