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Sirius loved his hair for many reasons. The first one was that it looked absolutely stunning. He loved to look in the mirror and just drag his hands through his hair to style it in every direction he could just because he thought it was fun and he enjoyed looking at himself.
The second was that it made him feel confident about himself. He was always forced to keep short hair when he grew up, so when he had the chance to grow it out a bit, he immediately felt like he found himself, and that led to more confidence. Not that fake kind he used to have to fit a name he had, but actual real confidence.
And the third reason was that it pissed his mother off. She allowed it to grow to his jaw, but if it grew past that, she got a bit annoyed. Sirius managed to almost grow it to his shoulders before she forced him to cut it the first time.
She cut it short then, Sirius had cried for days. He wouldn’t say he had, but he had. His hair meant a lot to him. It was a rebellion as much as it was a part of himself that he hadn’t found before. It was a statement and it was an extension of who he actually was.
Sirius sat in class, balancing on his chair as he half listened to Flitwick talk and half passed notes behind Remus’s back over to James on the other side. It was a new year, fifth year, and new things to learn and new pranks to pull. Sirius’s hair was back to the usual length just over his jaw. He couldn’t wait for it to grow for the next few months.
Sirius snickered silently as he opened the note James had passed. ‘You’ James had written and drawn an arrow to the knob Sirius had drawn on the page. Sirius heard Remus sigh next to him, clearly disapproving of their behaviour on the first week back to school. Sirius wasn’t sure what else he would expect, they hadn’t seen each other for a whole summer so that was just routine.
Sirius was in the middle of drawing yet another knob with glasses that he was going to call James before his ears picked up a spell Flitwick mentioned. A hair-growing spell. It was mentioned quickly, briefly, among a whole lot of other spells to alter appearance. He looked up and glanced over the board where their professor was writing, but he didn’t write the name.
“Moons.” Sirius whispered. Remus looked up from his hasty notes that had his unreadable handwriting. Sirius had no idea how Remus could ever tell what he had written. “What did he say about hair?”
“He’s talking about the spells in the book.” Remus whispered back before he looked back down. “We’re discussing the first chapter which you would know if you had as much as opened the book before class.”
Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus’s grumpy behaviour. He tried to recall when the next full moon was and if his temper was because of the impending transformation or if he was just annoyed with Sirius and James.
Sirius thought he only had himself to blame though, he could have sat down next to Peter and let James and Sirius sit next to each other. It was Remus who had squeezed in between James and Sirius so it was all on him.
Either way, Sirius got his book out because he was definitely a hardworking student who wanted to follow along in class and not because he was interested if he could grow his hair longer than his shoulders with the help of a spell.
He put the book over the note he and James had passed, left forgotten under the book as he opened the first chapter. He skimmed through the different pages until he saw a drawing of a head of hair in the corner. His eyes moved over the text that talked about wand movement and the effects of the spell.
While he focused on finding out how the spell worked, James must have grown bored because he tapped his shoulder before he threw a new note at his head. He looked up and met James’s eyes over where Remus was leaning down and writing down what Flitwick was writing on the board.
“Bookworm.” James mouthed at him before he stuck his tongue out. Sirius rolled his eyes and gave him two fingers as discreetly as he could before he opened the note.
‘Don’t join Moony in being studious, I wanna see your masterpieces :(’
Sirius snorted before he closed the book, the spell forgotten as he went back to draw the glasses on the knob before he wrote ‘James Potter’ next to it and sent the note back. James flashed him a grin when he opened it.
Sirius grinned back before the bell rang and the class was dismissed.
“Should we scare some first years?” James smirked as they left the classroom. He reached out to hang an arm around Sirius and he stepped into his reach, reflecting the playful expression.
“Really? First years?” Remus raised an eyebrow at them.
“Come on, Moony, it’s fun to see them freak out over dungbombs.” Peter chimed in, giggling to himself.
“You lot have fun then.” Remus muttered, kicking at the cobbled floor. He glared at Sirius, and only Sirius. Was he mad at him? He thought Remus was just irritated over disturbing him in class, but was he actually mad? “I’ll head to the dorm. See you at dinner.”
“Does Remus seem off to you two or am I going insane?” Sirius asked, looking between Peter and James.
“It’s just Remus, innit?” Peter shrugged. He was already digging through his pockets for dungbombs that they would throw into the first-year crowds. It was a good riot when they had done it yesterday. And the day before. They would probably have fun with it for the next few weeks until they were too busy with detention to mess with the first years. “He has worse mood swings than birds with PMS.”
“Pete.” James gave him a look and he cowered.
“Sorry.” He mumbled. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“We know.” James said even if both Sirius and James knew he probably did. They all stopped in their tracks as they saw a group of first-years chatting at the end of the hall. “Show time, lads.”
* * *
It wasn’t until the evening that Sirius remembered the spell he had researched again. He left Peter and James in the common room to head up to their dorm.
Neither of them had seen Remus after dinner. He had eaten with them but left as quickly as he sat down. He had even missed Sirius and Peter’s top-tier impressions of the Slytherins that left James laughing so hard that he had pumpkin juice coming out of his nose.
Sirius found him in the dorm though, lying on top of his bed with a book under his nose. Typical.
“Are you mad at me?” Sirius asked the second after he had closed the door. He didn’t look at Remus as he headed for his own bed, tipping his bag upside down. All the books he had stuffed in there fell on the floor. He left the mess and only got the charms’ book.
“Yes, obviously.” Remus said. Sirius looked up to find him flipping a page of his book. He didn’t look up at him.
“What the hell did I do?” Sirius rubbed the back of his neck as he thought of what he had possibly done that warranted a full avoidant treatment from Remus.
“Are you serious?” Remus lowered his book, glaring at him.
“I don’t know who else I’d be.” Sirius smirked, the words to the joke leaving his mouth before he even had a chance to stop them. It was an instinct at that point, someone said ‘serious’ and Sirius responded. Remus did not look amused.
“You’re insufferable.” He groaned, rubbing his temples as if his pure existence was giving him a migraine.
“That doesn’t answer my question, Moony.” Sirius scoffed as he flopped down onto his own bed. He fiddled a little with the cover of the charms’ book before he looked back at Remus. “If you’re mad at me, I’d like to know why so I can figure out if I need to apologise or if it’s just one of your full-moon moods.”
“First of all.” Remus’s jaw clenched as he slammed his book shut. He jumped up so he sat straighter and looked downright very pissed. Sirius swallowed slightly. “Don’t call them ‘full moon moods’. Second of all…”
Remus trailed off, shaking his head before he fell silent.
“Second of all…?” Sirius prompted, raising an eyebrow of curiosity.
“It’s not important.”
“Oh, come on!” Sirius crossed his legs and he waved with his hands for effect. “It’s clearly important enough that you were fine this morning and then you avoid us all day because you’re pissed at me, which, by the way, is stupid because I know you love our company.”
“Right, of course. You and James are such a hilarious, charming duo, how could I ever tire of it?”
“Is that what this is about? Me and James messing around in class?”
“No.”
“You sure?” Sirius tried to really get a look at Remus because he wasn’t giving him much. “Because it really sounds like you’re mad about that.”
“I said no.”
“Alright, then what?” Sirius fell back on his bed in defeat. He stared up at the canopy with a deep sigh. “Honestly, Remus, I’m starting to think you’re just mad for the sake of being mad and that’s no fun.”
“You’re so bloody oblivious.” Remus muttered. Sirius blinked as he took in his words.
“Oblivious to what?” Sirius asked, lifting his head.
“Nothing.” Remus glared at him. “Doesn’t matter.”
So bloody stubborn that Remus Lupin. Sirius could push him and push him but if he didn’t want to talk, then he didn’t want to talk.
“Moons, if something’s bothering you, just say it. It’s me, you can tell me anything.” Sirius tried and he promised himself it was the final time.
“Forget it, Sirius.” Remus grabbed his book again and that was it.
“Fine.” Sirius sat back up, leaning against his pillows as he picked up the book. “But just so you know, if you don’t give me a reason to be mad, you can’t be mad. And I will figure it out.”
“I doubt that.” Remus let out a small, dry laugh that sounded slightly bitter to Sirius.
“Challenge accepted, Moony.” Sirius smirked as he opened the book back on the page he had found in class. He truly focused on the words that time, reading them all over and over until he understood them. “Remus.”
“Yes?” Remus sighed as he looked up at him.
“Could you do this spell on me?” Sirius pointed in the book even if Remus couldn’t see where he was pointing. “I would do it on myself but I don’t fancy burning my hair off.” Remus sighed as he closed his book back up. “Also, you can’t be that mad at me if you agree.”
“Do you want me to help you or not?” Remus glared as he got his wand from the nightstand.
“Sorry, yes, of course.” Sirius moved to make room for him on his bed. He placed the book down so Remus could look at it.
“You want me to grow your hair out?” Remus asked as he looked at the page as he sat down.
“Mhm, then I don’t have to wait!” Sirius grinned, his body full of excitement. He could barely think of anything better than to have hair that went past his shoulders. “And it will be easy enough to just cut off before Christmas, but before then I can just…have long hair.”
Remus’s eyes softened as he looked at him. Sirius felt his grin soften the same into a smile.
“And if you hate it, you could always cut it off too.” Remus hummed before he looked back down at the page.
“I won’t hate it.” Sirius said more as a statement than anything else.
“Ready then?” Remus held his wand up and Sirius nodded. “Hold still.”
Sirius sat so still that he even stopped breathing. Remus spoke the incantation and waved his wand perfectly like the book described. The movement was different for the lengths and Remus was always very good at wand precision.
Sirius felt a tingle in his scalp once Remus had cast the spell and when it stopped, he looked down and had hair that went about two inches below his shoulders. He reached out and touched it, ran his fingers through it. The texture was the same as the rest of his hair, silky and curly.
“Does it look good?!” Sirius exclaimed as he flew up to go into the bathroom and look in the mirror.
“Uhm…” Remus chuckled breathy where he left him. “Yeah, it looks… surprisingly good.”
Sirius looked into the mirror and an excited screech left his lips as he saw the length of his hair. It was probably the longest his hair had ever been and it was perfect. The way it framed his face, the way it fell on his shoulders, the way it felt.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Sirius ran back out and threw himself on Remus. He hugged him tightly as he thanked him over and over again.
Remus’s breath hitched as he placed a hand in Sirius’s new hair. He felt how Remus moved in through.
“You’re welcome.” Remus whispered, his fingers twirling the strands.
Sirius tilted his head up to find Remus looking at his hair in awe. He smiled a bit wider at the sight.
“We’re good now.” Sirius smirked. Remus let go of his hair, a blush creeping up on his face. “You were never that mad, were you?”
“More annoyed.” Remus sighed. “Sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I still don’t know why, but I’m sorry.” Sirius nuzzled his head into his chest. Remus swallowed. “And thank you.”
“You’ve thanked me already.”
“And I’ll never stop. I love it so much.”
“I’m glad.” Remus chuckled softly. “It suits you.”
* * *
As the days passed, Sirius found himself only a little obsessed with his new hair. Any reflective surface and he had to look at it. He would sit in class, threading his fingers through it - he listened more those days than he had in years as he sat and pulled his hands through his hair. He would flip it over his shoulders just to feel the weight of it. It was absolutely perfect and so unmistakably his.
He got looks in the corridors though, all his professors had looked at him with a raised eyebrow, he had even heard some people use a few nasty words when they thought he didn’t hear. But they could do and say what they wanted, Sirius couldn’t care less because he had that confidence, he felt better than he ever had and that was all that mattered.
James hadn’t said anything about it, only stared like he had two heads for the duration of one breakfast before he went back to his normal self. He had picked up on calling him Princess Padfoot whenever he looked at himself in the mirror or a spoon or just anything that showed his reflection which Sirius couldn’t blame him for because he did it multiple times a day.
Peter was more on the teasing. He hadn’t stopped making jokes about his hair. He liked to ruffle it and call Sirius frantic when he tried to fix it. And sure, Peter was getting a bit on his nerves then, but he never told him to cut it. He said it looked good even if he was making jokes. That was just Peter though, he had always been like that.
And he didn’t tell him to cut it.
It was all that really mattered in the end, that Sirius got to keep his hair like he wanted it.
His mother always forced it to be cut, and as long as he was at Hogwarts, he was free of that. He would have to cut it for Christmas when he went home, but that was just a few weeks and when he got back to school, Remus could do the spell again and he could have his hair back.
When his hair was short, even if it was down to his jaw where his mother would still call it too long, it wasn’t his.
The hair he had then was his. His hair.
“Do you lot think Slughorn owns any other colour than brown for his robes?” Peter asked as they ate breakfast that morning. He was gazing out over the teachers’ table.
“No way.” Sirius shook his head. He felt his hair move with the motion so he shook it a few extra times just because he could. “Brown and green, that’s basically his brand.”
“You would know about brands, huh?” Peter snickered, earning him an elbow from Remus. Sirius didn’t mind Peter’s relentless teasing, but Remus…well, that was a different story. If he was in wolf form, he would have bit Peter’s head off. Peter rubbed his ribs before he continued. “Oh, come on, you can’t say Sirius hasn’t been all about his hair these past few days.”
“Like you don’t have a brand then.” Remus snapped. “You’ve talked about your chocolate frog collection and your ‘natural talent’ in exploding snap for four years now.”
“At least, I’m not all jumpers and books.” Peter muttered back, crossing his arms over the table in a sullen expression.
“I kinda miss your old hair.” James cut in. His eyes met Sirius’s while he chewed some toast. He spoke casually, as if it was just a general observation of the weather. Maybe to James it was. “I liked it more.”
Something inside Sirius clenched. He swallowed hard as his chest felt awfully painful as he looked at James. The way he said it held a chokehold on him for a second, so casually like it was a fact and not just banter. The table fell silent - even Peter who was always fast to make jokes in tense situations, kept quiet. Everything seemed quiet and frozen.
Sirius shook the feeling off. It was nothing. Just James being James. Just a stupid comment, one he hadn’t even meant like that. But somehow, it lingered. It lingered like an ink stain on his favourite shirt, small and insignificant, but impossible to ignore. It wasn’t like James had meant it like that. He just said it because…because…well, Sirius didn’t know, but he was sure it was nothing.
“I liked it more when you used to shut up.” Sirius scoffed, flicking some marmalade at him with the help of his spoon.
“I’m just saying.” James smirked back. He shrugged like it was just normal banter. “It just really suited you, at least I thought so.”
Sirius’s stomach twisted and he didn’t want to eat more. Luckily for him, the bell rang and he didn’t need to finish his breakfast nor did he have to stay in that conversation.
The rest of the day was a weird one of Sirius trying to act like everything was okay and that James’s words weren’t eating him alive. He found himself not checking his reflection every chance he got, in fact, he even avoided it. When he went to the restroom, he kept his head angled down because the second he caught a glimpse of his hair, it made him sick.
What if it wasn’t him? What if he was just trying to prove a stupid point by being defiant?
Sirius tossed and turned in bed that evening. He could hear James’s snores in the room. He used to be comforted by them. It brought him some type of comfort to know that James was there and asleep. Remus was a completely silent sleeper, Sirius never knew if he was awake or asleep because he usually always struggled to sleep. Peter had soft snores and short mumbles. Sirius was a full-on sleeptalker.
Sirius listened and he could hear Peter asleep too. He hoped Remus was asleep as he got out of bed and tiptoed into the bathroom. The door was always left ajar with a light on because Sirius was scared of the dark when he came to Hogwarts. It wasn’t something he had admitted as much as he had tried to always leave a light on somewhere.
When his friends figured out he was scared, they all always made sure there was a light on for him. Even then when Sirius was fifteen, the light was always on.
He closed the door behind him before he looked at himself in the mirror. His hair, the hair that he had adored for the past few days, didn’t look as nice anymore. He didn’t want to style it, he didn’t want to shake his head around, he didn’t know what he wanted.
His best friend in the whole world told him he missed his old hair, that it suited him, so shouldn’t he go back to that?
The pure thought of cutting off his hair made him feel even more sick. He had tears well up in his eyes because he should just cut it and stop pretending like his hair actually mattered that much. No one else seemed to like it the same way he did. Other students whispered about it, nasty things about him being a tranny or a fairy or bent beyond fixing. He went from being popular Sirius Black to some weird abomination that no one could really grasp.
He knew that was temporary, he knew everything was temporary. James’s opinion was probably temporary too, he would get used to it, but there was something about how he had those thoughts that really broke Sirius.
Because if James couldn’t see him in his longer hair, then maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t really himself at all. Maybe he had made a mistake, maybe he had changed too much.
He wiped his eyes, trying to stop the tears that fell down his cheeks. It was just hair, it wasn’t that deep. He opened a drawer and got out a pair of scissors. Peter usually cut his own hair, he did a pretty good job. Sirius often let him cut his hair off before he went back home. He hated it so much that someone else had to do it.
Sirius stared in the mirror as he held the scissors to a chunk of his hair. All he had to do was cut and James would like his hair again and everything would be normal.
So why was he hesitating?
He sniffled as more tears gathered and fell. It took a second before he dissolved into ugly sobs. His hand shook so violently that he dropped the scissors down in the sink. The metal against the porcelain made a jarring sound that Sirius could barely hear over the panic going on in his head. He stared at himself as he sobbed.
Sirius could see the door open through the mirror, he must have forgotten to lock it. Remus stood in the doorway. He was so quiet that Sirius never knew if he was asleep or awake.
“What are you doing?” Remus asked in a whisper, closing the door again. He wore just a pair of PJ bottoms. Sirius could see his lean torso and the nasty, jagged scars that covered it. Sirius looked down into the sink instead as he raised a trembling hand to wipe his eyes.
“Nothing.” He mumbled, his voice cracking halfway through the world. He felt a hand on his shoulder a moment later.
“Sirius.” Remus’s hand squeezed his shoulder. “Talk to me.”
“Do you really think my hair looks nice?” Sirius turned his head to look at Remus.
“Honestly, it looks amazing.” Remus offered him a soft smile. “I think it’s amazing.”
Sirius looked into his light brown eyes and they were full of honesty. Remus wasn’t lying to him, he could see that from the look he gave him. He would like to think he was really good at reading Remus at that point.
“Is this about what James said?” Remus reached out and cupped his cheek. His thumb wiped across his cheek and probably brought a lot of tears with it.
“Yeah.” Sirius mumbled. He closed his eyes as he took a shaky breath, letting Remus wipe his tears.
“If you cut your hair, it should be because you want to, not because James thinks traditional wizard cuts look better.” Remus stated clearly. “Besides, have you seen his hair? He shouldn’t be allowed an opinion ever.”
Sirius chuckled faintly, reaching out to hug Remus. He nuzzled his face into his bare shoulder.
“Thanks, Moons.”
“Really Sirius, if you like it, it doesn’t matter what I or anyone thinks. It’s your hair, no one else's.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Sirius wrapped himself closer. “You’re always right.”
“It’s a burden.” Remus chuckled softly, his head falling to hold Sirius tighter.
Remus was right, why did it matter that his best friend liked his old hair better? Sirius loved his new hair, his longer hair, James would come around, and in the meantime, Sirius should enjoy his hair because it was his hair.
And he loved his hair.