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You weren't quite sure why it had come up. Perhaps it was the vibrations from the car, maybe the blinking flashes of the streetlights as you passed them, it could even just be the nerves of going out. Regardless, there you sat in the front seat. Next to your beloved Secondo, yet the opposite of relaxed.
He was still talking, excited about the restaurant he was taking you to, but you could hardly follow along. The urge to flap your hands or smack your lips was getting strong but you knew that if you did any of those he would know what was happening. He'd know and he would probably insist on ruining his own night by turning the car back around.
"There we are." He announced as he pulled into a parking spot. He sounded so delighted, at least by his standard.
You turned to look at him, for a brief second forgetting everything as you tried giving him your best smile. The attempt was weak, so you quickly averted your gaze again. Facial expressions, other than the resting frown that often graced your face, were getting tough. It was gonna be a challenge to pretend to be ok.
Secondo had stepped out. He always expected you to stay put until he walked around the car and opened the door for you. You were happy to get the moment of silence, taking a deep breath and psyching yourself up for the night.
When the door opened, you became much too aware of the loud sound of cars speeding by on the road. Resisting the urge to cover your ears, you quickly got up and out of the vehicle.
Secondo offered you his arm, which you took. If he noticed your strong grip on him, he didn't mention it.
Even with the noise, it was still nice to be out of the car. The crisp outside air felt good, but the many different smells that flew through the air and up your nose weren't helping you. Sharp and sweet and nice and rancid, all at once. You elected to breathe through your mouth until you were inside the restaurant.
A man across the room, sat at the bar, noticed the two of you and instantly made his way towards you when you walked in.
He happily, loudly, said your lover's name and spoke to him in Italian. You'd never seen him before and you're cursed that you had to meet him today of all times.
"And this must be la sua amata." He smiled at you so brightly, a wave of guilt creeping through your mind that you weren't able to muster up anything other than a quick quirk of your lips for him. To your surprise and horror, the man stepped closer and enveloped you in his arms in a greeting. You stiffened, resisting the urge to shove him away. Although there was a certain comfort in how tight he held you.
When he pulled away, you shot a glance at Secondo, hoping he would get your silent cry to just get to your table already.
"Gio, I'd love to catch up some more, but we're positively starving." He luckily did say.
"Certo, certo, follow me."
As you were led to your spot for the night, your head snapped in all directions to familiarize yourself with your surroundings. There were quite a few people there, the restaurant fully packed. Waiters were rushing around without pause and with the live music playing in the background everyone had to raise their voices to be heard. It was a little slice of Hell to you.
You sat in your chair, pretending to busy yourself with your coat and bag as to avoid any more interaction.
Your host, Gio, stuck around for another minute or so, entirely too long for your liking either way, now speaking in English to accommodate you. Too bad you weren't able to focus on a word he said. You thought it was something about wine.
"Grazie, amico mio. I'm sure it will be outstanding as always." Secondo attempted to end the conversation.
"Only the best for Papa and his beloved." Finally, the guy left you two be. You felt another pang of guilt at that thought; he hadn't done anything wrong. You were being rude.
You startled slightly as Secondo grabbed your hand in his. The leather of his glove was warm and familiar, but you still would have preferred if he'd stop touching you, "Are you alright, amore?"
You nodded, unsure if you'd even be able to speak for a second, "It's a bit louder than I thought it would be." You admitted, although trying to downplay it in a way.
"If it's too much we can always leave." Secondo looked at you questioningly. He'd always been very understanding but you knew he'd be disappointed if you left so soon. He'd been looking forward to tonight since forever.
You shook your head, a disguised way to get a quick stim out, "I'm ok."
"Are you sure?" He asked again, sounding a bit more concerned. The sentiment probably would have been nicer if he didn't have to keep raising his voice for you to be able to hear him.
"All good." You put both your thumbs up in the air, glad to have the chance to pull your hand away from his. You also flashed him another attempt at a smile before lowering your head to the menu.
You bounced you leg under the table where he couldn't see, as you scanned the meal options. Reading it only made you more nervous. All the foods had something you couldn't stomach. The aftertaste of fish was always too strong for your liking, all the pastas had some kind of odd texture like hazelnuts mixed through and there was nothing just plain and simple like you needed right then. You'd usually ask if things could be left out or separated but in a place as fancy as this you were terrified of looking childish in front of the staff or chefs. You knew you had your reasoning, but would they understand that?
You were starting to get stressed out quick. Your leg bounced faster as the chatting around you seemingly got louder. The words on the menu stopped registering in your mind and you couldn't stop yourself from continuously clenching your eyes closed.
You couldn't read. You couldn't think. You couldn't speak.
Too much.
"See anything you like?" Secondo asked.
Your other leg joined the stimming as you tried to force yourself to process what he had said. Your eyes stayed downcast and clenched shut. The sudden urge to hit yourself in the head was getting a bit too strong for your liking.
You startled and batted your hands as you felt something suddenly touch your head. It took you a second to realize Secondo had gotten up from his seat and placed your headphones on your ears. You'd left them in the car, but you supposed he'd taken them just in case.
The noise canceling they provided was nice, maybe enough to get you through the night, but then you wouldn't be able to talk to him at all. Maybe it was no use.
You looked up at him, though you avoided eye contact. He nodded towards the door and spoke close to your ears so your headphones could stay on. His voice was even as he spoke, "You go out to the car, I need to say goodbye and make a call and then I'll join you." He held out the keys for you and as much as you wanted to keep lying that you were alright, the thought of sitting in the car really was more appealing.
You shot him an apologetic look before rushing out.
Indeed the silence of the car was nice. In the relative privacy of the vehicle you flapped your hands like you had been resisting this entire time and you rocked back and forth. Your eyes stayed squeezed shut to avoid seeing all the lights outside.
It only took about a minute for Secondo to join you but you hadn't minded the moment of alone time. He'd said goodbye to Gio and called a ghoul to go get your safe food ready for the moment you arrived back at the abbey. He'd been with you long enough to know that an empty stomach was not what you needed right now.
He gave you another moment to collect yourself before starting the journey, patiently waiting to see just how bad it was. Eventually you took a deep breath and turned your head to him.
He looked so incredibly dashing with that perfectly tailored suit on his body and his sunglasses moved to his forehead. He must've noticed you looking at them, since he removed them and held them out for you to take.
He had been so excited for tonight, talking up the restaurant for months. He looked so handsome and was acting so kind and before you could stop yourself your emotions burst out into a sob.
"Amore-" You almost felt worse that he was still acting so kind. He should have been annoyed, disappointed. He probably was but was just hiding it, you thought.
"I'm sorry," You interrupted him, "I ruined it. I really wanted to have a good night but I just- I don't know why I..." You trailed off into more sobs, your overstimulation now morphing into a deep guilt and sadness.
"It is perfectly natural to get overwhelmed. We can come back here at any time. I just want you to feel alright."
It just felt like he was lying, saying what he had to say, "I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry, you deserve so much better. To have someone who you can actually do stuff with." You sniffled, your nose clogged. You must've looked like a mess the way you felt like one. You looked away from him, unable to face him directly anymore, "I hate being autistic." Your voice quivered, so weak it was barely audible what you'd said. But he'd heard it.
"None of that," His tone was much more serious all of a sudden, "Without that autism you would not be who you are. You've said that yourself. And I love who you are. Every aspect. I'm sorry you feel this way but from my end nothing has been ruined. You're not a failure or disappointment. We will have so many more nights out and fancy dinners, but not if you push yourself too far. I'd rather get to spend a quiet night at home with you for all of time than watch you be in this state," He rarely sounded so convinced of anything, "Amore," You finally looked his way again, "You are allowed to be disabled."
That last part was all you needed to break into sobs all over again. But not because you were sad this time, but because you were so deeply touched. He spoke like it truly didn't matter. Like he truly understood you, even if you knew that wasn't always the case.
You mumbled something while gesturing towards him with your arms out. He luckily got what you were getting at and pulled you into his lap. Your arms encircled his shoulders as you sobbed into his chest. His hold was nicely strong but kind, comforting. He'd learned what you liked most in times like these.
You sat there together for another while, until all the emotions had truly tired you out. You kissed him deeply, most of your overstimulation having luckily settled. You still took the glasses he'd offered you earlier when you sat back into the passenger seat. Although you didn't get much use out of them as you fell asleep on the way home.
It felt good to have someone like Secondo by your side. And he absolutely felt the same towards you.