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It is clear from the beginning: Gunhee is not going to make it. He is popular, comment sections filled with support for him and fanpages popping up here and there. Gunhee receives lots of reassurance, lots of "don't worry dude, you're doing fine" and laughter-tinged "you're better than Jooheon!", but it doesn't change anything.
After the umpteenth evaluation ending with criticism falling on Gunhee's shoulders, he crawls into bed and does not come out. Not when Kwangji finds a board game, not when Hyunwoo announces they're going to get take-out, not when someone calls his name or asks where he is. So, of course, everyone looks at Jooheon. Jooheon, the best friend, the fellow rapper, the rival . Jooheon isn't sure if he's the best person to talk to Gunhee right now.
Even so, he enters the bedroom and shuts the door to block out the conversation taking place in the main room. "Hey, Gunhee?" Jooheon begins cautiously, stepping further into the dimly lit room.
Jooheon receives a small, "Huh?" in response. Jooheon sits carefully on the edge of Gunhee's bunk, reaching over to brush a hand through Gunhee's messy hair.
"Hey, man, we're worried about you. Are you alright?" Jooheon rubs his thumb against Gunhee's temple soothingly.
"I feel like shit," Gunhee says eventually, rolling over to face Jooheon. He kind of looks like shit too, circles dark beneath his sleepy, bloodshot eyes. "Y'know... underground, people always told me I was good. Every night after a show I'd get a bunch of people coming up to me like, 'damn, Gunhee, that was dope! Proud of you, man!'. I just... I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
"You're not doing anything wrong," Jooheon says, pulling the covers back so he can settle into bed beside Gunhee. "I'm still proud of you, man, I always have been and I always will be."
"You're so much better than me," Gunhee replies softly, even as Jooheon winds an arm around his waist and pulls him close. "I always thought we were on the same level. Guess not."
"It's all opinion."
"Sure. Opinion is all that matters on this shitty show."
Jooheon can't argue with that. All he can do is rub Gunhee's back and hold him as he cries, wetting the front of Jooheon's shirt. Jooheon whispers I love you s like they matter, like they'll help. Nothing will help because Gunhee is not going to make it.
So, it shouldn't be that much of a shock when Gunhee's name is not called at the end. Jooheon cranes his neck so he can look over his shoulder at Gunhee, who is still standing tall and firm in the face of the cameras. Jooheon can already envision the pissed off fans, the droves of negative comments that will be flooding articles and videos.
Moreso, Jooheon finds himself pissed off. Gunhee was picked apart far more than Jooheon himself was, put at an unfair advantage from the start and never given a chance to recover. Jooheon wishes he could jump off this stand and hug Gunhee right now, but the judges have shit to say that he's not listening to.
When everyone congregates over those not chosen, Jooheon sees that Gunhee is crumpling, face scrunched in that way he does when he doesn't want to cry. Gunhee is heading to hug Wonho, but Jooheon grabs the fabric of his jacket and pulls him close instead. And when Gunhee sobs into Jooheon's shoulder, Jooheon feels his heart wrench.
It's somber back at the dorm as the newly realized members of Monsta X stay and the newly eliminated pack up their things. They aren't leaving until tomorrow, but that's somehow worse; it gives them all time to sit around and talk, discuss what will happen, think about what to do now.
Gunhee sits in the corner, away from the rest of them huddled around a couple hot plates with their dinner for the night cooking in pots atop them. Jooheon slides over, a little too hard as he bumps into the wall. Gunhee chuckles at him.
"Hey," Jooheon says, reaching for Gunhee's hand. Gunhee twines their fingers together, squeezing briefly. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, you deserve it." Gunhee says, and the words sound forced. Jooheon is sure, with time, Gunhee will be happy for him, but not now. Not now.
"You deserved it too." Jooheon replies, closing his other hand around Gunhee's. "We all did, we're all just as talented as the next guy, and it's bullshit that some people got chosen and others didn't. It's all bullshit, right?"
"You don't have to act like you're not elated just to make me feel better," Gunhee mumbles, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "It's not working."
Jooheon puts an arm around Gunhee's shoulders and hugs him close. "I'm sorry."
Gunhee doesn't reply immediately, instead resting his head against Jooheon's chest. "We always made jokes when we were underground about becoming big shot idols together. At least one of us made it."
Jooheon feels like all he can say are apologies, so he keeps quiet and pets Gunhee's hair instead. Gunhee turns to press his face into Jooheon's shoulder. "What are you going to do after this?" Jooheon inquires quietly, twirling a bit of Gunhee's hair around his finger.
"I dunno. I guess I'll go back home, help out my mom. Try to get back in the underground scene, maybe, make a little money." Gunhee concludes with a shrug, sighing. "If nothing else, this taught me not to, uh, put all my eggs in one basket, and all that. I should've made plans outside of this instead of just expecting that people would like me."
"People do like you," Jooheon replies gently. "People will buy your shit when you put it out and they'll buy tickets to your shows and they'll eat it up, they'll support you as much as they can."
"Will you?" Gunhee asks suddenly. Jooheon doesn't have an answer that doesn't feel like a lie on his tongue. "Will we have time to meet up again? Will you even have the time to message me?"
Jooheon wants to say yes. Yes, of course, I'll make time because we're best friends- I'll make time because I love you so much and I don't want to lose you- "I don't know," he says, in the end. Gunhee nods.
"Yeah, of course. It's all uncertain from here. I'll... I'll buy you guys' album when it comes out, alright?"
Jooheon bites his lip. "I'll buy your mixtape. You are gonna release a mixtape, right?"
Gunhee snorts. "Sure. Why not."
And, Jooheon thinks this might be a good time to kiss Gunhee, even just kiss his cheek, tell him how much he's always meant to Jooheon and how he wishes they could have debuted together, how they could have been something together. Instead, he just smiles, and Gunhee smiles back.
Monsta X is working towards a May debut and Jooheon is excited. But, long hours of practicing, recording, promotional activities, and only a couple hours of sleep have left him with no time to follow up on his uncertain promises.
It's only after debut that Jooheon manages to see Gunhee again, and it's horribly difficult to escape the watchful eye of his fans. Even then, there are mumbles as Jooheon enters the cafe, girls giggling behind their hands and a couple people sneaking pictures.
"Looks like you're quite popular," Gunhee remarks as Jooheon sits down. Jooheon smiles sheepishly in response. "Nice to see you, finally. How're you doing?"
"Shit," Jooheon says with a laugh. "I'm so fucking tired, I feel like it's been a thousand years since I got a good night's sleep." Jooheon pauses, then reaches for one of Gunhee's hands that's laying on the table. Gunhee twines their fingers together and squeezes, and it reminds Jooheon of nights at the dorm, of Gunhee crying into his shirt. "I'm sorry that I've been so busy."
"Don't sweat it. I've been pretty busy too, so it's not only you. I, uh, took up carpentry. I made a pretty kickass shelf the other day." Gunhee looks a little awkward, glancing off to the side. "I listened to the album, it sounds nice. I watched you guys on Music Core the other day, too, it was great." Gunhee laughs then, raking a hand through his hair. "I definitely couldn't have done that choreo, maybe it's best that I got the boot."
Jooheon smiles. "I think you could've pulled it off with some practice. I was pretty shit at it in the beginning, too. Maybe I can teach you sometime."
"Nah, I'm good. I would probably break my damn kneecaps."
"Suuuure. Anyway, uh, I wanted to tell you something before I'm busy for ten thousand years again."
"Shoot."
Jooheon takes a deep breath, squeezing Gunhee's hand again. "I... uh, I like you a lot. I have for a really long time, but it never really felt like the right time to tell you, y'know? I guess it's probably still not the right time, but I wanted to get it off my chest."
Gunhee laughs, and Jooheon can't tell if that's a good sign or not. "That's a hell of a something. Jesus, Jooheon, can you imagine if someone found out about this? You can't ruin your career. Besides, I mean..." Gunhee is quiet for a moment, contemplative. "You couldn't even find the time to text me as just friends, I doubt it would feel very good to have months of radio silence when dating. Right?"
"... Right," Jooheon agrees softly, nodding to himself. "You're right. I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't be sad. We're still friends. Let's chill and share a cookie, alright?"
It doesn't make Jooheon feel any better, but he still smiles and says, "Sounds good to me."