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He doesn’t talk about it. I still don’t really know what happened to him during the events that caused Bob’s death. There are a few things that I know about from the following weeks, but not the initial incident. Even after nearly a year of Pony and I being together, he hasn’t told me. I’ve never asked, and he just doesn’t talk about it.
Ponyboy and I moved into an apartment near campus together at the beginning of the school year and, so far, things have been going well between us. We move around each other with such ease that it was as if we had lived together our entire lives. Ponyboy had seemed a bit withdrawn lately. He didn’t talk much and pent a lot of time staring off into nowhere, inside his own head.
When I walked in the door after coming home from my last class of the week, I saw Ponyboy sitting at the kitchen table with his textbooks set out in front of him as if he had been studying, but he was staring at the wall. He didn’t seem to notice that I had entered the room.
“Pony?”
Nothing.
I walked over to the table and knelt down beside him placing my hand on the back of his neck.
“Babe?”
He snapped out of his trance at my touch and smiled sadly at me.
“Hi Sweetheart. Sorry, I was just in my head a bit. How was your day?”
“I would love to know what is going on in that head of yours. You okay?”
Ponyboy placed his hand on the back of my head and pressed our foreheads together and breached deeply for a long moment.
“I’m better now that you’re home. Someday I will tell you what is going on in my head. I promise. I just can’t talk about it right now.
He placed a kiss on the top of my head and turned back to his books. I stood and moved into the kitchen to start making dinner. We existed around each other in a comfortable silence for a while.
I had just finished cleaning up from cooking when Ponyboy sighed and leaned back in his chair, breaking the silence.
“The anniversary is tomorrow.”
I turned to look back at him. I didn’t need to ask what anniversary he meant. I knew. I had just been so focused on school and work recently that I hadn’t realized it was so soon.
It was the anniversary of the day we met.
It was the day Bob was killed.
It was the first day of the most traumatic week of Ponyboy’s life.
It was the day that changed Ponyboy forever.
“Is that what has had your so in your head lately?”
“Yeah, I’ve just been thinking about it a lot. Sorry that I’ve been so distant.”
I moved over to the table and sat across from him, placing both of my hands in front of him with the palms up. He took the invitation and placed his own on top and looked up into my eyes.
“You don’t need to apologize to me for needing space to process your emotions. I’m just sorry that I didn’t notice that the date was coming up. I know that a lot of very traumatic things happened to you five years ago, and I do hope that one day you can tell me all of it. I love you, and I will be there whenever you are ready.”
He stared at our joined hands and rubbed his thumbs across my knuckles before taking a deep breath.
“I know. I love you too, and I do want to tell you everything, but it is just hard to talk about.”
The ding of the kitchen timer broke the silence that was starting to form between us.
“Dinnertime.”
**********
Ponyboy was especially cuddly that night when we went to bed. It was like he needed to know that I was there, that I wasn’t going to leave him. He held me to his chest with his face pressed into my hair. Once I felt his body relax and was sure ;he was asleep, I maneuvered myself so that I was facing him. I stroked my fingers along his face and through his hair, taking in the softness of his features in sleep with all his worries gone. I fell asleep with my hand pressed against his chest.
I awoke to frantic movement beside me. Ponyboy was thrashing in his sleep. His breathing had quickened and it was pretty obvious that he was in the throes of an intense nightmare. I tried to wake him up by shaking his shoulders and tapping his cheek. There was no response from him. I had to climb on top of him and shake him repeatedly until he finally woke up. He sat bolt upright screaming and clutching his chest. His breathing became erratic and his eyes were darting around the room. I was sitting across his hips, and I took his face into my hands and got him to look at me.
“You are safe, my love. I am right here. You are okay. Breathe for me, baby. It’s okay. Breathe.
It took a few minutes, but his breathing calmed down. He was drenched in sweat. Once he was lucid again, Ponyboy threw his arms around me and held me tight. I started to feel a dampness on my shoulder and realized it was from his tears. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back, pressing kisses into his neck and shoulder as he sobbed.
“You’re okay. Baby, you’re okay. Shh. It’s okay.”
His sobs quieted and he began to pull away from our embrace, but he kept his eyes from mine.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He shook his head. I noticed that he had started shivering as the sweat coating his body began to cool.
“Let’s get you cleaned up so we can go back to bed. You’re soaked.”
I stood and held my hand out to him. He took it as I pulled him towards the bathroom.
When we entered the bathroom, I kept his hand in mine while I used the other to turn on the shower to allow the water to heat up. The second that the water turned on, I felt Ponyboy stiffen beside me. My attention snapped to him and I saw the utter fear in his eyes as he stared at the water. Confused, I turned the water back off. I felt him relax beside me just a bit. He was still tense, but not frozen.
“Pony, love, what’s wrong?”
I watched as he sank to the floor and pulled his knees to his chest, placing his chin on top of them and staring at his feet. When he spoke, the words came out as barely a whisper.
“He tried to drown me.”
“Who did?”
“Bob.”
I looked at him quizzically.
“In your dream?”
“Five years ago.”
Suddenly, the pieces clicked into place. A feeling of understanding and sadness washed over me. I joined him on the floor and ran my hand through his hair.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I never knew the details of that night. I just knew that they had beat you guys up. I didn’t know that they had tried to drown you. I didn’t want to hear Randy’s testimony at the trial so I left the courtroom. I couldn’t bear to hear what Bob had done to you. I’m so sorry.”
I could feel the tears starting to fall down my face.
“Is that what your nightmare was about? That night?”
Ponyboy nodded and looked up into my eyes. I saw so much pain and grief in those beautiful eyes.
“We do need to get you cleaned up. How do we want to do this? Whatever and however you need.”
He was silent for a minute, taking slow, calming breaths.
“Could you just stay and shower with me? I need to shower because I feel gross, but I really do not want to be alone in there. I think I would have a panic attack.”
“I absolutely can. Is it okay for me to turn the water back on now?”
Ponyboy took a steadying breath and nodded. I turned around and turned the shower on. I heard Ponyboy inhale sharply at the sound. We sat on the floor for a few more minutes while he composed himself. He nodded and we began to rise. I stripped off my pajamas and helped Ponyboy do the same. I stepped into the shower and waited as Ponyboy took a few breaths and followed.
He tensed up as the water hit him. I reached up and massaged his shoulder to help relieve some of the tension.
“Love, let me do the work. You just focus on breathing and staying present.”
He took a slow breath and nodded. He continued breathing while I washed his hair and body. He was pliant beneath my hands and I was able to finish quickly. As soon as I was done, I shut off the water. Turning back to Ponyboy, I took his face in my hands and placed a kiss on his forehead. We got out of the shower, and I dried both of us off, making sure to get as much of the water as possible out of Ponyboy’s hair.
“Oh, shit. I didn’t think to grab clean clothes before coming in here. Will you be okay if I go back to the bedroom to get some?”
“Please don’t leave me alone.”
“Never. Come on.”
He took my hand as we walked back into the bedroom, and I helped him put on some pants then got myself dressed as he crawled back into bed. I thought about changing the sheets, but I didn’t have the energy, and I didn’t want to make Ponyboy have to wait any longer to get back into bed, but it didn’t matter anyway because the second that I crawled into bed, Ponyboy was curled up against my chest. I carded my fingers through his damp hair and waited.
“It was all my fault.”
“Your fault? How do you mean? Bob was looking for a fight that night, and he found one. How does that make it your fault?”
“I know that I don’t really talk about everything that happened during that week. Even five years later, it is still hard to talk about, but I think you need to know, and I think that I need to talk about it.”
“If you are sure, then I am here to listen. I only have a few vague details of what happened.”
“Well two of the only people that were there are dead so that makes sense.”
I heard him sniffle and felt warm tears along my neck where his face was pressed.
“You don’t have to tell me if you aren’t ready.”
“No. I need to do this. Not just for you, but for me too. I need to get it out. It’s just hard and it might take me a while.”
“Take your time, baby. I’ve got nowhere else to be.”
I felt him press a kiss into my collarbone.
“I love you so much. How much do you already know?”
“Obviously I know what happened at the drive-in and when you guys walked us home. I know that you and Johnny were in the park when Bob and the others found you and beat you guys up. Johnny thought they were going to kill you and he pulled a knife and stabbed Bob. The two of you ran; somehow Dally was involved, and you ended up in Windrixville at the church a week later when it caught fire. You saved the kids from the fire. Johnny was hurt. The rumble happened. Johnny died. Dally was shot by the police. You were sick and injured.”
Ponyboy rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“So you know the major events, but not much else?”
“Pretty much.”
“I’m the reason we were in the park in the first place. After we left you guys, Johnny and I were laying in the lot near my house looking at the stars and we both fell asleep. When we woke up, it was well past my curfew so I ran home to Darry still awake and furious. We argued. It was our worst argument to date, and he hit me. He had never hit me before. Our parents had never hit any of us. I got scared and ran out of the house and back to Johnny still in the lot. I wanted to run away but settled for just walking to the park and back to cool off. We were in the park when the socs found us. They were obviously drunk, but it was still five on two. They were angry because of the drive-in and pinned Johnny to the ground while they beat on me. They ended up grabbing me and holding me underwater in the fountain. It was so cold. So, so cold. I struggled so hard. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to get my head above water, but they kept holding me down. They would pull me up for a second, barely enough time to gasp in a breath and hear Johnny screaming for them to stop. I eventually lost consciousness and came to in a pool of blood that wasn’t mine. I saw Johnny holding that knife and Bob on the ground dead. I threw up from the sight, mostly the disgusting water that I had swallowed. I ended up with pneumonia from the amount of water that ended up in my lungs. Hey, Sweetheart, are you okay? I don’t have to keep going right now if you don’t want me to.”
I had felt myself beginning to cry through the story, but hadn’t realized just how much until I heard a sob escape my lips, which my boyfriend had heard as well. I curled into his side, placing my head on his shoulder. He reached up and swiped the tears from my cheek before placing a finger under my chin, tipping my head up so he could look into my eyes.
“I’m serious Cherry, if you don’t want to hear anymore right now, that’s fine. I don’t have to keep going.”
“I’m okay. I promise. You lived through it; the least I can do is listen to you tell it. I really do want to know what happened. Just from the bit you have told me so far, I feel that
I understand you even better. We have always had a strong connection, but this experience is a vital part of you and crucial to understanding who you are. I want to know every part of what makes you the person that you are today. I am ready to listen for as long as you are ready to talk.”
“I’ll keep going, but please tell me if you want me to stop. Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Dally. This is where Dally comes into the picture. Johnny and I were scared and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think Darry wanted me around so I couldn’t go back home, and Johnny idolized Dally, who has been in his fair share of scrapes, so we went to find Dally. He gave me some dry clothes and his jacket and gave us some cash along with the advice to jump the train to Windrixville and find the abandoned church. Dally ended up telling the cops that we were heading to Texas to throw them off our trail. We stayed in that church for a week before Dally came back for us. Not a whole lot happened during that week. We sat around and talked a lot. I read Gone with the Wind aloud to Johnny. We ate so much bologna that even the thought of it makes me want to puke. We cut both of our hair and bleached mine with some peroxide so that we would look different from our pictures. There was a lot of time to think about everything that had happened so the guilt was eating me alive, but overall it wasn’t too bad of a week. Dally came for us on Friday and took us for food to discuss what was going to happen next. Johnny said that we were going back to turn ourselves in. Dally wasn’t too pleased with that. We were driving back toward the church when we saw the smoke and I just knew that one of my cigarettes had started the fire. There was a group of school children there and one of their teachers said there were a few kids missing. We then heard them screaming from inside the church. I didn’t even think; I just ran straight into the burning church. Johnny followed me. We found the kids and got them out. It was so hot and the smoke was so thick. It was so disorienting. After the kids were out, Johnny and I tried to get out. Just as I got out the window, there was a loud cracking as the roof started to cave in. I heard Johnny scream and was about to head back in when Dally pulled me out and tackled me to the ground to put out the flames on my back. I passed out at that point and woke up in the ambulance heading back here. I found out that Dally got hurt going back in to pull Johnny out, but he was going to be fine. Johnny was hurt real bad.”
I felt his breath hitch under my hand that was splayed across his chest. He took a few shaky breaths and started sobbing. I sat up, pulled him into my lap and held the man that I loved as he cried over his long lost friend.
“Seeing him like that was the worst part. I was the one that ran into the church. It should have been me.
“I wish it hadn’t been either of you.”
“Me too. I just miss him so much.”
He curled himself tighter into my arms and sobbed horrible heart-wrenching sobs for a few minutes. I just held him tighter.
When he was able to calm himself, he sat next to me against the headboard and placed his hand on my thigh.
“I just need to get through the last of this with hopefully no more breakdowns.”
“It’s okay. If you need to cry, then cry. I won’t ever judge you for that.”
“I know. I just need to get through this. I’m tired, but I feel like if I don’t get through the whole story tonight, I won’t be able to bring myself to ever finish it.”
“Alright. Let’s finish this, then we can get some sleep. So, you were at the hospital?”
“Yes. Darry and Soda showed up at the hospital and I clung to them for dear life. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed them until they were standing in front of me. We were able to see Dally, but it took a while to be able to see Johnny. He was in rough shape. There were burns all over his body and his back was broken. He wanted me to finish reading Gone with the Wind to him so Two-Bit went to the gift shop and got a copy. I read to Johnny for a while until it was impossible for me to keep my eyes open. Darry drove me and Soda home. I fell asleep in the car, and Darry had to carry me inside.”
I let out a small, tear-filled laugh at Darry carrying a sleeping Ponyboy into the house considering that Ponyboy was not taller than Darry. Ponyboy flashed a small smile in my direction.
“Yes, very cute. Anyway, I was feeling lousy the next morning, but didn’t think anything of it. I had just been in a massive fire just eh day before. I heard about the rumble that would be taking place that night. Darry wanted to stay home from work to stay with me that day, but I insisted that I was fine and Two-bit stayed with me all day. Two-bit noticed that I had a fever, but I begged him not to say anything about it. It was my first rumble and I didn’t want to be side-lined because of a cold. The rumble happened that night. We won. At some point during the rumble, I was kicked in the head so a lot of that night is a bit fuzzy. After the rumble, Dally drove he and I to the hospital to tell Johnny about our victory. While we were there, Johnny died. The last thing he said to me was ‘Stay gold’ and then he just died.”
“Stay gold?”
“From the poem by Robert Frost:
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
I had told Johnny about it when we were in the church.”
I was starting to get tired. I had my head in Ponyboy’s lap by this point and he was absentmindedly playing with my hair.
“I only have a few bits of memory from the rest of that night and the days after. Dally freaked out and drove off. I somehow got home. I remember being in a car that I didn’t recognize. The guys were patching themselves up at the house. I told them about Johnny. The phone rang and the next thing I knew, we were in the lot watching as Dally was chased by the police. He held that unloaded gun that he carried toward the cops and he was shot down. He seemed to fall in slow motion. I don’t remember anything after that because I had passed out. The next few days I was in and out of consciousness. Between the concussion from getting kicked in the head, the pneumonia from the water and the smoke, the fever, and the shock of everything, I wasn’t doing well. Darry took me to the hospital at some point which I don’t remember. I had called out for my brothers as well as for Johnny and Dally as well as my parents. I was completely out of it. It took me a long time to come to terms with everything that happened. It is still hard and I definitely have my bad days, and the anniversary is always hard.”
He was quiet for a few minutes after he finished. He looked as though he was trying not to cry again.
“Thank you for telling me. It makes understanding you a bit easier.”
“Thank you for listening. I know it was a lot. It’s interesting though; I’ve thought about this a lot over the past five years and as much as I miss Johnny and Dally and I wish they were here, I wouldn’t change what happened. It is such a huge part of who I am. I wrote this story as a theme paper for my English class that year. It was the only reason I passed that class. It is what got me into college. If I hadn’t gotten into college, specifically this college, then I wouldn’t have run into you and we wouldn’t have reconnected. We wouldn’t be together and I wouldn’t have this stunningly beautiful woman in my bed right now.”
“I love you so much. I’m so glad that we found each other again.”
“I got my ticket out and it led straight to you.”
I sat up and looked at him smiling at me. I felt his love radiating towards me. I leaned forward and captured his lips in mine. He deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around me to pull me into a tight embrace. He pulled back and placed a kiss on my forehead.
“I love you, Cherry.”
“I love you too, Ponyboy.”
“Alright Sweetheart, I think it is time to get some sleep. Luckily neither of us has anywhere to be tomorrow.”
“I do.”
He looked at me, confused.
“Where do you have to be tomorrow?”
“Right here.”