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He didn’t know if it was the tie that was suffocating him, but he knew that he couldn’t breathe. The way his lungs constricted, the lump in his throat, the rapid beating of his heart, he knew he was drowning. The suit was too tight, too hot. Why was it so hot? Why was he sweating so much? Why couldn’t he just breathe?
“Here comes the groom!” He could hear whispers of awe through the buzzing in his ears. Murmurs became clearer and clearer as he tried to focus his eyes towards the entrance.
In front of him was something he did not dare witness in his dreams. The man in front of him wore an all-white suit, arm tangled with an older man with almost the same features. He felt like he couldn’t breathe again, but for a whole other reason. The man walking towards him was breathtaking.
He watched him walk closer and closer, only a few steps more until he was in front of him. Only a few steps more to the right… and he would’ve been in front of him.
“Hyung, I’m gonna cry.” He looked at the man beside him. How he looked at the other groom with such love, such adoration, such kindness.
“It’s okay to cry on your wedding day, Hamin.” He wanted to cry so badly.
“He’s so beautiful, hyung.” He looked at the man walking down the aisle. His lungs constricted, the lump in his throat was back, and his heart beat faster than it did before. Forcing out the last breath he could take, quietly, he whispered for only his ears to hear.
“Yeah, he truly is.”
“Hyung! Let me teach you this new dance!”
“Ah Bonggu, you know I’m not good at dancing.”
“So? Dancing isn’t about how good you are, it’s about how you love!”
“Love?”
“You don’t know? Dancing is a work of love!”
“Isn’t it supposed to be art?”
“Just go with it, hyung! Come on!”
“Fine.”
He didn’t understand what he meant by then, but now it was crystal clear. He watched as the newlyweds danced on the dancefloor. That was something the couple shared, their love for dancing. He could see that every step, every glide, every spin portrayed their love for each other. He watched as they smiled at each other, happy to be in each other's arms.
The alcohol must have started to kick in because every time he glanced at them, he saw blue hair replacing black. Soft blue eyes replaced strong green ones. He blinked and it all went back to how it was supposed to be. He walked towards the bar.
“Give me your strongest.”
He didn’t know how he did it, but he finally managed to arrive at his apartment. He took off his shoes and stood there in the doorway. He could see it in his peripheral vision, the blue fluff of something he refused to look at. He couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to relish in those memories. He didn’t dare spare a glance at the matching slippers he once shared with the younger. He knew he would be sharing new matching slippers, new dance choreographies, and new memories with his now husband. And it wasn’t him. God, it wasn’t him.
He snapped out of it when he heard his phone ring in his pocket. He knew who it was, he didn’t know if he could take it. Yet despite the pain in his chest, he glided his finger across the screen and put his phone up to his ear.
“Hello?”
“Yejun hyung!” God he missed him, he missed his voice, he missed his warmth, he missed the way he used to look at him with those pink eyes of his.
“Hi Bonggu. What’s up?”
“You left early. I couldn’t find you.”
“Sorry. I drank too much.”
“You? Drank too much? Are you sure you’re Yejun hyung?” Not when I’m without you, please look at me again.
“I wasn’t paying that much attention to how much I was drinking.”
“If you say so.”
“Hey Bonggu.”
“Yes?”
“Are you really happy?” Silence. It was absolute silence, but his head was all noise.
“I’m really happy,y hyung.” He held in a sob.
“I’m really glad, Bonggu.”
“You should go to bed, hyung! Rest well!”
“I will. You, too.” The call ended. He felt his knees give in, and before he knew it, he was sobbing on the floor, memories full of regret flooding his mind like a punishment for a sin he committed.
“Why not?”
“I just can’t Bonggu.”
“You can just say you don’t feel the same way, hyung.”
“It’s not that. I just can’t.”
“Take me back, please. God, take me back. I love you, Bonggu. Look at me again. Please. ”
His wishes were answered with silence, and the silence was filled with his sobs full of pain and regret. Repeating the same four words in hopes that it would reach the other. It never did.