Archive of Our Own ^beta

Eddie didn’t know what he thought would happen when Chris left. Well, to some degree he did. He knew that he had damaged his relationship with his son, but he had been sure that Chris would want to come home within a month - before school started, at the latest.

Now it’s been months - five to be exact - and not only is Chris still in El Paso, he will barely speak to Eddie. Eddie has to get updates about his son through his mother, who seems a bit too happy to tell Eddie about all of Chris’ friends and swim club. Eddie tries to talk to his son, but there’s only so much you can do when you’re 800 miles away. Every morning he wakes up and considers just driving to Texas, but he doesn’t want to alienate Chris even more by showing up uninvited and unwanted.

Eddie wants his son home of course - because he loves him, and he thinks that’s what’s best for him. But a small, selfish part wants him back for other reasons. With all this time on his hands, recently Eddie has been realizing a few too many uncomfortable truths about his life. Well, more precisely, his relationships.

Truth 1: Though he loved Shannon, he was never an actual partner to her.

Truth 2: He has a partner now, and it’s Buck.

The second truth he’s known for ages. But thinking about that in the context of his relationship to Shannon… Well he hadn’t done that until month two of Chris being gone.

He’d been staring at his Saint Christopher medallion - as he often does these days, and thought about the time Shannon gave that to him. He’d been excited to meet his child, and to see Shannon of course (she was his best friend after all). But if he was being honest, he was relieved he had to leave after a week. In the past, he assumed he just wanted to leave the judging eyes of his parents. But thinking back about it now… that wasn’t all of it. He’d loved Shannon, but he didn’t want to build a life with her.

After a long hour of journaling these feelings - one practice from Frank that Eddie was trying first before actually going back to therapy - Eddie opened the fridge to scrounge up something to eat, when he saw it - the leftover lasagna Buck had made for dinner last night. He had packed it all into serving size containers for Eddie to eat since Buck knew Eddie hated having to portion himself a piece from the whole tray. Buck had done this many times in the past - there was nothing particularly special about this time. Except for the fact that Eddie now realized what Shannon had meant when she said she didn’t have a partner. Because he knew what a real partner was - it was staring him right in the face in the shape of those five perfectly sized Tupperware containers that barely fit in the top shelf of Eddie’s fridge.

He pushed those thoughts back as soon as he could, and tried to focus instead on the flavor of the lasagna instead of the man who cooked it. But with no child to occupy his time, and four more portions just staring at him every mealtime he wasn’t at the firehouse, it was hard to ignore.

He’s finally starting to understand what Shannon meant all those years ago when she said she really didn’t have a partner. At the time, he thought he was a good partner. He was financially providing for the family - that’s what he had to do as “the man of the house”. At least, that’s what he had thought at the time.

But that’s not what Shannon had wanted - needed. She needed someone who would plan dinner for her - or whatever the equivalent was for her. Eddie hadn’t done that. And that wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was that he hadn’t even wanted that with Shannon - he’d never even tried. All he wanted from her was friendship, and maybe also sex. But certainly not a partnership.

And this truth scared him. Because he already knew he hadn’t wanted that with Ana and Marisol. But in his head, he just assumed that maybe Shannon was the one, and he would never find that again. But now, here right in front of him, was proof that he didn’t love her like that - that he never was and never wanted to be a true partner to her.

He did love someone else like that. But he wasn’t quite ready to think too hard about the implications of that quite yet.

The next truth came to him on a call. Well, it wasn't really a full truth yet, but he’d get there soon enough.

It was a Thursday afternoon. There was a pileup, so everyone was spread thin. Cap and Buck were getting everyone out of their cars, Hen and Chim were doing the more life threatening triage, and Eddie was alone, on lighter triage.

He ended up helping out a man - Jeremy - who just had some light scrapes and bruises, no sign of a concussion.

“So, how many dates do you get from being a firefighter,” Jeremy asks him as bandaging up his arm.

“Uh, less than you’d think, actually. Why, are you interested?”

“In you? Yeah,” Jeremy said, quickly.

Oh. Eddie was being hit on right now. He thought they were just making nice conversation about his profession, and that maybe Jeremy was interested in being a firefighter himself. “Oh - sorry man, I’m st-” Eddie started. Every time a man has hit on him in the past, he’d been able to get the words out. But today was different. Today, he couldn’t seem to finish that word. Not after his discovery the other day.

Jeremy smiled at him, knowingly. “What’s that?”

Eddie debated whether it was a good idea to open up to Jeremy. Probably not, but what the hell. He was never gonna see this man again, so what’s the harm? “If you’d have asked me a couple months ago, I would’ve easily told you I’m straight.”

“And now?”

“Now, I’m not sure.”

Eddie was about to say more, when Buck started jogging up to them. “Hey, are you good? Do you need help with anything?” he asked, directing his full attention to Eddie.

Eddie was frazzled, to say the least. What’re the odds that Buck were to walk up right then, when he was about to maybe admit something to someone else. “Nope, we’re fine,” he said, trying his best to sound casual.

“You sure? You’re taking longer than usual.” Buck was looking at him weirder than normal, and Eddie didn’t know what he was supposed to do with that.

“Yeah, I just need another minute to finish wrapping him up,” he responded, tilting his head toward the gauze he was currently holding.

“Damn, Eddie. And here I thought we were really bonding. But you just want to be rid of me,” Jeremy smirks.

Buck gives Eddie another look that Eddie can’t quite figure out (confused? bewildered, maybe?), before waltzing away.

Eddie turned his fully focus back to the gauze, trying his best to move on from their previous conversation. But Jeremy had other plans, apparently. “So, who was that?” Jeremy asked once Buck was out of earshot.

“Buck,” Eddie said, trying his best to sound as casual as possible.

“That’s a fun name. So, does he have anything to do with what you were just about to admit to me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Eddie said. This is why Eddie doesn’t usually reveal any personal information on calls. A good reminder for the future, he supposes.

“Hey - we’re never going to see each other again - unless you take me up on that drink. But I’m the perfect person to talk to about this, since there’s no way it’s getting back to Buck.”

“I don’t think you ever offered me a drink,” Eddie said.

“Well, it is on the table if I didn’t. But seriously - what’s going on? Because that guy seemed hella jealous.”

“Did he actually?” Eddie asked, perking up a bit more than he should’ve, before seeing Jeremy’s smile. “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

“Okay - was I messing with you? Sure, in part. But he also does seem jealous, I have to say. Is he gay?”

“He’s bi,” Eddie said, almost automatically. Months of Buck automatically correcting people has worn off on him.

“Right, close enough for the purposes of this conversation. And you are?”

Eddie looked long and hard at him before answering. “Questioning.” He can’t believe he just said that - his first time admitting… something and it’s to Jeremy, a person he met three minutes ago.

“Oh, we’ve made progress. Well, for what it’s worth, you’re definitely into him, and if I were a betting man, I’d put money on him being into you as well. You should go for it.”

“I don’t think I will, but thanks for the analysis,” Eddie says, finishing up the final wrap while trying his best to not sound annoyed.

“Well, in that case,” he says, pulling out a pen and writing his number on Eddie’s hand. “Give me a call, if you ever want that drink.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Eddie said, before scampering off to do some more triage.

When he finished his triage, before returning to the rest of the group (most notably, Buck), Eddie grabbed an alcohol pad out of his kit and wiped Jeremy’s number off his hand.

Eddie never wanted to see that man again. He was too… probing. But he did do something - which, looking back, was maybe helpful on Eddie’s journey. He helped Eddie realize something rather important.

Truth 3: Eddie has never been in love with a woman before, but he thinks he might be in love now.

Eddie has been ignoring Buck since the call with Jeremy, and everyone noticed. Eddie offered to drive the truck. The last time he drove the truck was right after Buck went back to work after that god-awful lawsuit Buck filed.

When they got back to the firehouse, Buck tried to joke around with him (something about balloons), but Eddie immediately brushed him off and went to the bunks, feigning a headache. He even skipped family dinner. He felt bad about ignoring Buck, but he just couldn’t interact with him right now. Not when his head was spinning this much, analyzing his feelings.

Did he have feelings for Buck? Yes. What? That was way too quick of an answer. Ok, so what exactly does he mean by that?

He wants to be Buck’s partner in everything. In work, of course. It just made sense - they both worked best when working together. They understood each other so well. But also, outside of work, Buck is essentially his partner. They do almost everything together - even when they have significant others. Buck cooks him dinner all the time, they have movie nights, they’re constantly at each other's places. Buck is as close to a second parent as Christopher has - well, prior to moving to Texas, that is.

And not only that, Eddie loves Buck. Of course he does - he’s known that for years. Being in love… now that’s a different question. But he does really love Buck. He loves his dorky little smile, he loves when Buck hyperfixates on a topic for a week and chooses to tell Eddie all the facts he’s learned. He loves how caring Buck is, how funny he is, how gah. Eddie should probably reevaluate the in later.

The only real difference between what he has with Buck and what he imagines a healthy marriage is like is romance and sex. Does he want that with Buck? … Ok, so that didn’t come as easily as before. It wasn’t a no, but it also wasn’t a definitive yes. Eddie will circle back to that thought someday, but not today. Today, he needed to figure out what to do about Buck. Because Eddie knows that as soon as dinner’s over, Buck will come peeking in here to check in on Eddie, and Eddie will need to provide some plausible excuse as to why he’s avoiding Buck. For now, Eddie must sit with the next truth.

Truth 4: Eddie loves Buck, and wants to be his partner for life.

Buck walked into the room not even half an hour later with a plate of lasagna. Not the damn lasagna again. Eddie didn’t have the capacity to think about that right now. At least it was a different recipe.

“Hungry?” he asks. Eddie tries shaking his head, but his stomach betrays him with a grumble. Buck chuckles - God, has his laugh always been that cute? - and hands the plate to Eddie. Eddie keeps his eyes locked on that plate, refusing to look at Buck. He knows that as soon as he sees Buck’s eyes on him, he’ll know for certain - his feelings, that is. Eddie’s pretty sure he knows what the answer is at this point, and he just isn’t ready for that. Not yet.

They sit in silence, side by side on a cot, while Eddie eats. The quiet is unusual for them, but somehow doesn’t feel that strange. Eddie couldn’t tell you this, since his eyes were lazered on the lasagna, but Buck’s eyes were glued on Eddie’s face the whole time, as though he were trying to intuit what Eddie was thinking about.

“You feeling ok?” Buck finally asks a couple minutes after Eddie’s plate is scraped clean.

Eddie takes a minute to formulate his reply. Didn’t he plan all this out before Buck got here? Why can’t he think clearly with Buck sitting so close to him. He’s not even that close - not for them - but Eddie swears he can feel the heat of Buck’s thigh on his, despite them not even touching. “Yeah, I just… have a lot on my mind.”

“Is it about Christopher?”

Eddie doesn’t respond, which Buck seems to take as confirmation.

“You know I miss him a lot too. I know we haven’t talked much about what happened, but if you ever want to, I mean I hope you know this - you can always talk to me. About this, or anything.”

And that’s all it takes. Eddie, who rarely cries, who has barely cried since his son left him (instead choosing to feel numb) - that Eddie - has started to cry. Nothing major, just a silent tear from the corner of one eye. Which Buck immediately sees and immediately wipes away, almost on instinct, it would seem.

Buck wraps an arm around Eddie, his thumb lightly making circles on his shoulder, and leans his head toward Eddie’s. Have they always been this touchy? “It’s ok to let yourself feel things, you know,” Buck barely whispers.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Buck squeezes his shoulder and finally breaks the silence. “Alright, have fun sulking tonight - it’s all you’ll get before I start to pry more.”

Eddie grins - how is Buck so good at making him feel better? He instinctively turns to look at Buck - into his eyes.

And as soon as Buck leaves, the truth comes to fruition. Because looking into Buck’s pleading eyes like that, how could he not know for certain.

Truth 5: Eddie is in love with Buck. And he doesn’t know what to do about it.

The next day, Eddie does what Eddie does best - hides his emotions away and pretends everything is fine. Pretends he didn’t have a full on gay crisis last night right after his realization. Pretends he’s not ridiculously in love with his best friend. He acts normal enough that no one seems to notice why the gears won’t stop spinning in his head. But once the shift is over, he simply sits in his car, thinking for far too long.

Eddie knows he can’t act on these feelings. Not right now. Especially not with Christopher still in Texas. It just wouldn’t be right, to try and date Buck with his son still in another state. Plus there’s the Tommy of it all.

And so Eddie decides it now: once Christopher is back under Eddie’s roof on good terms, and with Christopher’s permission, and provided Buck is single, and provided Eddie has somehow decided this would be a good idea and wouldn’t result in a ruined friendship. Only under a minimum of those conditions, will Eddie even begin to think about telling Buck how he feels.

And this decision leaves room for Eddie to ponder the elephant in the room: his sexuality. Because Eddie’s not actually convinced he’s attracted to Buck fully in that way. He knows now that he was never attracted to any of the women he’s dated. So he can’t be straight, right? Does that also rule out bisexuality? But if he was gay, wouldn’t he be checking out guys more often? He’s pretty sure he’s never done that before. Now that he thinks about it… who has he been attracted to? He’s never had a real urge to kiss someone ever (let alone anything else). He mostly enjoyed sex, but he never did it because he wanted to. He just knew that’s what was expected of him. He’s certainly never wanted to do… well anything romantic or sexual with anyone. Anyone except for Buck, that is. Shouldn’t he have wanted that before - in any of his previous relationships?

A quick google rabbit hole leads him to some new terms: aromantic and asexual. Aroace, for short. It doesn’t take long to realize that yep, Eddie is both. Well, on the aroace spectrum, at very least. He’s pretty sure he’s romantically attracted to Buck (considering the truth five of it all). So fine. He’s demi-homo-romantic asexual? Yeah, that’s a mouthful. Is Eddie sure he’s homoromatic? He really only has one data point - what if he’s actually bi-romantic? Does it even matter? Probably not… but how is he supposed to come out without a definitive label?

Come out. Did he really just think that? He can’t come out. Not now. Especially not with Chris still not speaking to him. This is not news you can just spring on someone.

Why does he even want to come out anyway? Is he that down bad for Buck? Yes. Fuck.

Fine. Here it is:

Truth 6: Eddie is queer. Labels to be finalized.

The next shift, Eddie is cool as a cucumber. No one seems to pay him any extra attention, except for maybe Buck. But that’s fine - Buck always pays extra attention to Eddie. Does he actually?

It’s a normal shift - relatively q-word (just because Eddie’s not superstitious doesn’t mean he’s willing to risk the wrath of his team by actually saying it). He’s just playing Mario Kart with Hen while Bobby and Buck make dinner (Chim is… somewhere).

“So what was up with you last shift?” Hen asks him when he manages to overtake her in the race.

“Are you that much of a sore loser you’re willing to cheat and distract me from my title?”

“There are no rules against speaking during Mario Kart, Eddie. You know this.”

“Yeah, yeah, ok,” he mutters, messing up one of his turns.

“And I see it’s working, which means it actually must be something worth sharing, so spill.”

Eddie considers it for a bit. Honestly, what does he have to lose by telling Hen? She’s a lesbian, of course she wouldn’t judge him. It’s not like he has any other options for talking it through either - the usual people Eddie talks to (Chris, Buck) aren’t options for obvious reasons.

“Fine, I want to tell you anyway.”

Hen falls off the side of a mushroom, leaving Eddie with a nice lead for the final lap. “Really? I thought I was going to have to try a lot harder than that.”

“Just - in private,” he mutters.

And that’s how Hen and Eddie end up on a coffee run.

It’s not that often that the two of them leave the station together. It’s almost always Ravi, who occasionally asks for company. But somehow, Cap knew this was not just a regular coffee run.

“So, now that it’s just us…” Hen starts once they’re safely in Eddie’s truck.

“Yeah ok, fine. So, ever since Christopher left, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, obviously. Too much time. And, well, it’s led to some discoveries.”

“Meaning,” she prompted him.

“Well it started with me realizing that I don't think I was ever a good husband to Shannon. Or a good boyfriend… or partner or whatever to any of my previous girlfriends.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I just - I was never there for them. Not in the way they needed. Not in the way I should’ve been.”

Hen nods. “So, what happened the other day?”

“Well, we had that call, and I was talking to this guy, Jeremy, who at first was hitting on me, and then started prying a bit and I guess I kind of realized… I don’t think I’m straight. I think I might be aroace spec.”

Hen doesn’t respond immediately, so Eddie quickly jumps in. “It means-“

“I know what it means, dumbass” she interjects.

“Well, I wasn’t sure. You didn’t say anything”

“I didn’t say anything because you started trying to explain it one nanosecond after coming out to me. I just needed a second to process - I wasn’t exactly expecting you to say that.”

“What did you think I would say?” Eddie says, trying his best not to seem panicked.

“Well, you talked at length with a gay man who was hitting on you, and then got all quiet and contemplative for a while. So I thought, maybe, you were going to tell me you were gay. Which would’ve been great, but being aroace is also great. I’m glad you felt comfortable telling me, and I’m proud of you for realizing that about yourself, and actually vocalizing it. That takes a lot of guts.”

“Thank you,” Eddie says, feeling much more at ease right as they arrive at the coffee shop.

They chat about everything except Eddie’s sexuality in the shop - Hen correctly assumed that Eddie did not want to talk about this in a public place.

“So how did that conversation lead to a revelation about your sexuality anyway? How did you even know about aromanticism and asexuality?”

“Well, I guess the aroace part came after the shift, when I started doing research. Jeremy was hitting on me, and then Buck came over and left, and then he somehow got the idea that there was something going on with me and Buck, and-“ whoops.

He can practically visualize Hen’s smirk, despite his eyes staring straight ahead on the road, when she says “what’s this about Buck?”

“Ok fine, so, there was something else that I realized on the call.”

“Mhm?”

“Well it didn’t really happen on the call. Technically, it came to me later that night.”

“Spill it.”

“I think I’m in love with Buck.”

“There it is,” she says.

“You can’t say anything”

“Come on Eddie. You know I would never.”

Since they’re stopped at a stoplight, he glances at Hen, who has the biggest smile on her face. “Stop gloating”

“What? Me? I would never!”

“Hen.”

“Ok, fine. But seriously, I’m glad you’re realizing all this stuff about yourself. The only way you’re ever going to be truly happy is by living as your true self. So only good can come from these realizations.”

Eddie grimaces. “Yeah I don’t think we’re on the same page here. The aroace thing, sure. But the Buck part? I mean, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell him. Certainly not now. I mean, I can’t do anything while Chris isn’t here. And he has a boyfriend.”

“Sure, I get that. But there is something liberating about realizing your feelings - and more importantly, your identity. With time, I hope you’ll see that.”

And with that, they were back at the station. There was so much more Eddie wanted to talk to Hen about, but for now, it was enough.

Buck came right over to them to retrieve his coffee - having seemingly abandoned their lunch to burn. “So, how was the trip?” Buck asked Eddie pointedly.

“Fine,” Eddie replied, trying (and failing) to sound nonchalant.

“Uh huh,” Buck seemed unconvinced. “Hen?”

“Like he said,” she started, staring at Eddie for a beat too long. “It was fine.” Then she walked away to deliver the rest of the coffees, leaving Eddie to fend for himself. (If you were to ask Hen, she was giving Eddie space in case he changed his mind and wanted to tell Buck something. Which of course he didn’t)

“Just a normal coffee run?” Buck asks again.

“Mostly - I mean, we talked, got coffee - what else is there to a coffee run?”

“Oh - what’d you talk about?” Buck asks, trying his best to look innocent.

Eddie knows he could try to lie to Buck, but it’s just too hard to. And telling Buck what they talked about simply isn’t an option. So Eddie goes with what he thinks is possibly his only way out of this. “I can’t tell you.”

“Oh.” Buck looks stunned. Eddie hasn’t seen that expression on Buck directed at him since who knows when. Which is understandable - Eddie can’t recall a time when he’s sincerely said no to Buck. “Did Hen need to talk to you about something?”

“No I - needed her input on something,” Eddie said, a bit shorter than he intended to. It wasn’t really true but it was close enough.

“Oh - was it about Christopher?” he says, looking relieved.

Eddie could lie right now - it would be so easy. But he hates lying. Lying is what got him in this whole mess with Chris. “Not really,” is what he decided to go with.

“And you don’t want to talk to me about it?” The look on Buck’s face when he says that practically makes Eddie fold. What’s worse is he actually kind of wants to talk to Buck about it. But he knows he can’t.

“No.”

“Oh,” Buck says, walking back to the kitchen, defeated.

Eddie tries his best to ignore their spat (if you could even call it that) for the rest of the day. It was surprisingly easier than he expected it to be - if only because he kept thinking about his conversation with Hen instead. The more he thought about it, the more she’s right. Eddie is glad he’s realized he’s aroace spec. It puts his whole life in perspective. It explains everything, so much clearer. His difficulty being a husband/partner and committing to someone - it wasn’t some great failure on his part. He was never built for that life.

Truth 7: Even though Eddie still had a lot of accepting left to do about his sexuality, he is glad that he has it somewhat figured out.

About a week had passed since the coffee run incident, and Buck and Eddie were almost back to normal. Almost. Work was normal again - anyone in the firehouse would’ve told you everything was fine. But Buck and Eddie hadn’t spent time together outside of work since then, which was… abnormal, to say the least. It wasn’t malicious necessarily - just neither of them had reached out to make plans of any sort. Eddie was still trying to figure out how to socialize with Buck normally after his revelations. And not that Eddie knew it, but Buck was convinced Eddie was mad at him (in a more serious way than ever before), and was racking his brain trying to figure out why so he could fix it.

And yet, there they sat, working on a puzzle, alone, yet together, in the time between calls. Eddie found it comforting, being able to be around Buck in almost silence. This, he could work with. And hopefully soon, they could go back to real conversations.

Buck was so focused on the puzzle, he didn’t notice when Tommy entered. But Eddie did. Eddie couldn’t quite describe the feeling in his stomach upon seeing Tommy. It was happiness, right? Maybe excitement? Tommy was his friend, and Eddie hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks, so this must be a positive feeling. No need to think much more about it.

Eddie should say something, or wave, or something, but he felt stuck. He just couldn’t get himself to do anything but stare at Tommy. As Tommy got closer, he gave Eddie a look of confusion (fair), and ruffled Buck’s hair. It weirded Eddie out. It felt so paternal - not the kind of way you would expect one to interact with their boyfriend.

But Buck looked up, and smiled warmly. Stupid smile not reserved for Eddie. What was that thought, Eddie? Not a very appropriate thought to have about your friend and his boyfriend. Fucking hell.

“Hey, babe,” Buck finally said, standing and giving Tommy a quick kiss.

“Hey,” Tommy said, his hand lingering a bit too long on Buck’s ass for Eddie’s comfort - what?

“What’re you doing here?” Eddie says a bit sharper than usual. Buck’s smile lessens for half a second, and Eddie wants to kick himself for being the cause of that.

Tommy chuckles a bit uncomfortably, before saying “I just got off my shift, and thought I would come see the old place.” Tommy’s hand was now combing through the curls on the back of Buck’s neck - something Eddie has wanted to do now for years (he has?). Eddie had to sit on his hands to prevent himself from smacking Tommy’s out of the building.

Buck and Tommy were both staring at him expectantly - shit - “Sorry, did you say something?” Eddie says, failing to hold back his bite. It’s not his fault - Buck’s hand just slipped under the bottom of Tommy’s shirt to his bare back, and god, Buck was saying something, wasn’t he? Something about walking around?

“Ok - I’ll just continue the puzzle,” Eddie says, hoping his response was generic enough to be an appropriate response. Eddie was staring - he knew he was. He just couldn’t seem to stop.

“You ok?” he somehow manages to hear Buck say.

“Yup, just - excited to get back to this puzzle,” he gets out, wrenching his eyes away from the lack of distance between their bodies. And finally, they left. Thank god.

Eddie really tried to focus on the puzzle (any distraction would be helpful), but he just couldn’t. Because if it wasn’t clear before, it was screaming at him now.

Truth 8: Eddie was jealous for the first time in his life due to romantic feelings.

About an hour later, Tommy and Buck found their way back to Eddie. Eddie pretended he didn’t notice when they walked up, feigning interest in the puzzle, but of course he did.

“Good progress over there,” Buck breaks the ice.

“Oh look, you found three whole matches in the time we were gone,” Tommy adds.

“No, I think it might actually be four,” Buck remarks.

“Shut up,” Eddie says on instinct. Good. This was good. Back to their usual banter.

“Alright, well I need to head out now if I’m going to make it to trivia night.” He turns to give Buck another kiss, and Eddie thinks he might actually be sick this time. Now that Eddie finally looked up fully from the puzzle, he notices that they look a bit different than before. Maybe Buck’s hair is a bit messier, and his lips a bit swollen, and what’s that on his neck? So that’s what they’ve been up to. Eddie tries to fight back the jealousy, but it’s harder when he’s now starting to visualize what they were doing and yup time to refocus on the puzzle.

“Trivia? I thought we were gonna watch the Fat Bear Week live feed?” Buck says.

“Oh shoot, I forgot. But we can just watch it tomorrow?”

“It won’t be on tomorrow, it’s the last day.” Eddie is begging Buck to hold his ground, but after a couple seconds, he falters. “It’s fine - it’s not a big deal.”

“I’ll watch with you,” Eddie says before he even realizes it. He doesn’t know exactly why he offers it. Maybe he just misses Buck. Maybe he just hates seeing him so sad. Maybe it was the aforementioned green-eyed monster. Most likely some combination of all three, but who’s counting.

Buck’s face lights up, and in that instant, Eddie knows that no matter how awkward this conversation is, it will have been worth it for that smile. “Really?”

“Perfect,” Tommy says a bit too quickly. “Eddie, it was great seeing you,” he reaches for a first bump, which Eddie knocks a bit too hard. He’s going to have to figure out how to get this under control at some point. “See you tomorrow, Evan,” he says toward Buck now, before bringing him into a kiss. Eddie swears it was a more passionate kiss than one would normally do in public - there was tongue and everything. And where does he get off calling him Evan? His name is Buck.

And finally, Tommy waves, and leaves. Thank god. Buck looks dazed, and Eddie? Well Eddie just needs to figure out how to be around that man without punching him in the future.

The night started as any other movie night with them would - which was a relief for Eddie. He was worried things would continue to be awkward between them. But nope - they had dinner (salads - because somehow that was “bear themed”), a six pack, and their normal banter. Buck and Eddie were back.

“How do they get so fat?” Eddie said, marveling at the size of Grazer.

“How does anyone get fat?” Buck replied, taking a swig of his beer. “Beer and food. Which is why we had salads tonight. Gotta offset the beer somehow.”

“Yeah, after watching this I am not complaining.” They were at Buck’s loft today. These days, they only hung out ar Buck’s. Eddie didn’t much enjoy being at his house without Chris there, so any chance he could avoid it, he would. “So is this… it?” Eddie asked. It’s not that this was a waste of time, per say. But they were just watching a live feed of a bear. It’s not like the bear did that much. They weren’t even watching multiple bears - it was just one bear on screen, laying down. There was no one even commenting on the bear - it was pure silence. Which Eddie guessed was nice because it allowed conversation, but still. What were they doing?

“Why are you acting like you’re surprised - we’ve done this before - multiple times, even.”

“I know - I thought it was more interesting before. Wasn’t there like a commentator before - telling us facts about Bear Week and the bears and the bracket?” Buck didn’t respond to Eddie after a few seconds, so Eddie turned his head to find Buck staring at him. “What?”

“That was me - I was the commentator!”

“Oh, right. Can you do that again?” Buck’s smile falter’s a bit. “Buck?”

“I just - I thought you didn’t want to hear me talk anymore. I thought you were sick of it.”

“What are you talking about - why would you think that?”

“You’ve been so weird recently - avoiding me - and don’t try to tell me I’m wrong. I know you, Eddie. I know us.”

“I know you do - I-”, Fuck how do I explain this… “I’m not mad at you, or sick of you, or anything like that. You haven’t done anything wrong at all - it’s a me problem. I’m the problem.”

“Eddie, what? You’re not the problem. You’re never the problem. What’s wrong? Just tell me, and we can fix it - I can fix it.” Buck was pleading with Eddie, so much so that he almost gave in. Almost. Eddie didn’t even know what to say. “I know the difference between something wrong with you and something wrong with us. I know this is about more than just Chris. Just tell me - we can figure it out together.”

And there it is - the guilt, creeping up his stomach. It’s not that Eddie likes hiding things. But if he knows he should, it’s usually much easier than this. This is tortuous.

Truth 9: Eddie hates hiding this from Buck.

“I know - you’re right. I just… I can’t tell you right now, I’m sorry. Someday, I hope you’ll know. But not today.”

“But-”

“Look: you’ve done nothing wrong. I just need to figure some stuff out. But, that shouldn’t impact our relationship. So… let’s just move on - pretend this didn’t happen - and go back to normal. Ok?” Buck gave him a weak smile. “Come on, it’s Fat Bear Week. We’re legally not allowed to be sad.”

Buck playfully shoved his shoulder, and Eddie swears he felt sparks there, lingering on his skin. Just push down the feelings. Eddie’s gonna have to get used to that. He never realized how much they touch. But back to normal means back to normal, and Eddie doesn’t need Buck getting more suspicious. Or worse - sad.

“I can’t believe you thought I didn’t want to listen to you talk anymore. The whole reason Fat Bear Week is fun is because you talk. Everything’s more fun when you talk.” Shit, did he just say that? Maybe that was a bit too far.

“Really?” No, he’s glad he said it. Anything for that smile.

“Just tell me about the damn bears, Buck.”

“Yes, sir.”

It was just another night off, and Eddie was alone again. It was times like this when Eddie missed Chris the most. These days, he usually tried to distract himself by being around friends for some portion of the day. And ok, most of the time that was just Buck, but he had some other friends too.

But for maybe the third time since Chris left, none of Eddie’s friends were free. Buck and Tommy had a date night. Oftentimes, when they had plans and Eddie called, they would include him. But it was their anniversary and they had a reservation. It was for the best, honestly. Eddie didn’t know if he could sit through dinner with Tommy anymore, after the whole jealousy incident. Hen, Chim, Maddie, and Karen all had parent-teacher conferences tonight. Eddie even offered to babysit, just for some form of distraction, but apparently Denny was going to watch Jee and Mara. It was his first time officially in charge, and he was looking forward to it. And that was… pretty much all of Eddie’s friends.

When Chris first left, Eddie would find himself doing things for Christopher on auto-pilot. Knocking on his door to wake him up in the morning, buying his favorite cereal at the grocery store accidentally, setting a plate for him at dinner. But gradually, Eddie started to remember not to do these things. That was maybe worse, actually.

Eddie hadn’t slipped up in over a month. Until tonight, that is. The bathroom door was closed for a while. That wasn’t unusual for Chris - he’d been spending a lot of time styling his hair recently (he claims that’s the only way his curls look good). And just like before, Eddie quickly knocked the door. He was about to start telling Chris to hurry up when he realized. Eddie had just accidentally closed the door earlier in the day. Chris wasn’t here. He was gone. And it was Eddie’s fault.

Eddie doesn’t know why he decided to do this, but in this moment of deep shame and regret, he rifled through Chris’s toiletries that were carefully tucked away, found an old Amazon box, and packaged them up to be shipped. He then drove himself to the post office, which was closed at this time of night. So Eddie headed back home, with his unsent package.

But on the way home, Eddie stopped for some gum at a gas station, and there he found a s’mores flavored Kit Kat. Eddie had never seen those before - and on instinct bought three.

And the next day, Eddie went off to mail the toiletries to Texas, and threw in the Kit Kats, along with the following letter:

Chris,

I guess you’re staying in Texas for a while now. Thought you might be missing some of your stuff. God, I miss you so much.

I don’t want to pressure you, but please know, whenever you need - I’m there.

Hope we can have some smores together soon.

Dad

Truth 10: Eddie really, really misses Chris.

It was the morning after Eddie had decided to perform risky business for a crowd of no one. Well, actually Buck had asked him to do it later that night to help cheer him up. So two total performances, and only one view in total.

Nothing much happened at first when Buck came over. They sat in silence for a while, already on their second beer when Buck finally blurted out “Tommy broke up with me”.

If Buck thought he saw a small smile on Eddie’s face, well, of course he didn’t. Eddie would never be happy at his best friend's breakup. Well, only a little bit. Buck talked through the breakup a bit, seemingly confused. Eddie wasn’t, though. It all made sense to him. Of course Buck and Tommy weren’t built to last, because Buck and Ed- nope.

A couple more beers in, and Buck finally asked Eddie about his bottoms - or lack thereof. Which led to the second rendition of risky business. Eddie probably should’ve not wanted to do it in front of Buck, but he was drunk enough, and also joyful enough, that it didn’t matter.

And if Eddie weren’t so lost in the moment while dancing, he may have seen a glimmer of something in Buck’s eyes.

Buck ended up sleeping on Eddie’s couch that night. It’s happened plenty before - it really wasn’t that strange. But what was a bit more strange, was that Eddie also slept on his couch. How they both managed to fit - who can really say. Why the both decided to sleep there is quite possibly a more puzzling question. There was a fair amount of legs touching - far more than is typical for two platonic friends - particularly when one is pants-less. But that’s what they were - two not-fully-platonic best friends, who continued to get less platonic the more time went on.

By the time Eddie awoke, he was frazzled. It wasn’t the crook in his neck that startled him, nor the location, nor the boy at the other end of his couch, whose toes were dangerously close to Eddie’s hip. No, it was what the boy was doing. Well, what he was doing a minute ago. In Eddie’s dream.

This has never happened before - a sex dream, that is. Not with anyone. Which should definitely say something about his sexuality. The more days that pass, the more it seems Eddie is completely aroace, except for Buck. The one and only exception.

He can’t stop thinking about the dream. Well, he tries, but it’s hard when Buck is right in front of him. His perfect lips, which just minutes earlier were kissing his hair, his ear, his lips, his dick, even. His lips look even softer now than they did in his dream.

And that is how Eddie spends his morning - staring at Buck’s beautiful, sleeping face, dangerously close to being intertwined with him, while rock hard.

Truth 11: Eddie might be sexually attracted to Buck.

Eddie’s been thinking a lot about his feelings and sexuality since the dream. It only happened once, and though it was vivid, it’s still not enough to confirm anything for Eddie. Sure, he had one sex dream ever. But what does that even mean? He hasn’t wanted to do anything with Buck since. Well besides the usual. But it’s not like Eddie even wanted to really kiss Buck now. He just wanted to continue as things have been. Which was not explicitly romantic and/or sexual. So really, what does this even mean?

At this point, Eddie has pretty firmly come to terms with understanding he’s not just aroace spec - he’s almost certainly demiromantic asexual. Sure, he has romantic feelings for Buck. But taking away that one drunken dream, there’s nothing sexual there.

Maybe Eddie will tell Buck one day. He doubts he will though. Buck might not want to be with someone ace, and Eddie doesn’t quite know if he wants to put himself out there, given the circumstances.

Eddie should be feeling more shame - he knows he should be. He wasn’t raised catholic for nothing. And being in love with a man - well that simply wasn’t allowed the way he was raised. But ever since the priest told him to seek joy, Eddie’s just been ignoring the shame. Figuring out his identity, and feeling comfortable with it brings him joy. And so he will continue to do that.

And for almost a week he tried really hard to be comfortable with his new label of demiromantic asexual. That is until he saw Buck cooking family dinner at the firehouse one day, when he noticed something.

Truth 12: Buck has a nice ass.

Truth 13: Eddie noticed, and checked out Buck’s ass.

Truth 14: It’s possible that Eddie is in fact attracted to Buck.

Ok fine. Maybe he is demisexual too.

That ass is going to haunt him for an eternity.

And haunt him it does. Every night for the next week in his dreams.

It’s been two weeks since Eddie mailed the package to Chris, and he still hasn’t heard from his son. Eddie knows they don’t have the best relationship right now, but he kind of expected some acknowledgement that the package was received. He’s tempted to reach out again - if only to make sure his son is alive, but he doesn’t want to be overbearing. Chris hasn’t responded to his last two texts.

And that’s how Eddie ends up ruining his Saturday off by calling his mother.

“Eddie?” There was some loud noises in the background that started fading. “Sorry about the noise, we’re just starting construction on the pool.”

Eddie’s heart sank. “The pool? I didn’t know y’all were actually going through with that.”

“Well of course. Christopher’s swimming almost every day now, so it just made sense.”

“Uh - speaking of Chris, is he around?”

“No, no. He’s on a school trip. Didn’t I tell you?”

“No, you didn’t tell me - what? What trip?”

“Yeah, they’re going to DC and Boston for a history trip. He’ll be back in a week. Didn’t I tell you?”

“No, you most certainly did not.”

Eddie heard a loud bang through the phone before his mother continued. “Oh shoot, you know, I have to go back outside to make sure the construction crew actually does its job correctly. But, uh, oh yes, we got the package you sent, and it’s waiting for Chris when he gets back. Alright, bye, talk soon.”

“Bye” he mutters after hearing the dial tone.

Eddie doesn’t even know where to start this one. They’re building a pool. They’re actually building a pool for him. That’s not just something you do on a whim for a kid staying with you for a couple months. They think this is permanent. And for all Eddie knows, it just might be.

And then there’s the school trip. How could they have not told him that Chris was traveling without a family member? How was he not a part of this decision, or even told about it - at the very least?

And still part of him can’t help but think about his own childhood. They never would’ve put a pool in for him. Eddie had to be the responsible one, he couldn’t have something fun that would distract him from that.

At the end of the day, the worst part is that his son isn’t with him. But the knife twist is that it’s his parents, who would’ve never done this for him, who still don’t do this for him, doing this for his child. Like it’s some sort of redo.

Truth 15: Eddie’s gotta break this cycle. He must get his son back. Whatever it takes.

And so he ignores his previous decision about being overbearing and calls Chris. Which goes to voicemail.

“Hey Chris. Heard you’re on a trip to DC - that’s so exciting! I know I always wanted to travel like that at your age… Anyway, I just wanted to call to chat, and see how you’re doing. Living here in LA without you… it isn’t the same. I’d love to talk sometime soon - if you want - or even see you. I miss you so much, God, more than you could imagine. I know I messed up, kid. If you wanna talk about it, we can, but we don’t have to. Whatever you want, ok? But just know, it was a mistake, and I promise, I swear to you, nothing even remotely close to that will ever happen again. And if you wanna come home, you know, whenever, I’ll be there. Alright, well, yeah, ok, that’s just, that’s it, I guess. I love you so much. Ok, bye”

Eddie still hadn’t heard from Chris and it had been a full 21 hours since he called. Not that he was counting. He wasn’t. Well, he was, but he was trying his best to distract himself the best way he knew how: by thinking about his sexuality.

So, yeah, he’s definitely attracted to Buck. He wants to be with him all the time, wants to hold him close while they’re watching something on tv, wants to give him a lingering kiss when they first see each other and when they’re leaving, wants to take him into his bedroom and see what’s under his clothes and show him what’s under his own. He’s pretty sure he’s never been into anyone else ever before. Certainly never like this before - not even close. Which is… a lot. A lot of pressure on one person. But to be honest, Eddie doesn’t need it to work out with Buck necessarily. It would be nice if it did - quite possibly perfect. But their friendship is enough for Eddie. All he really needs is Chris back home with them and oh no Eddie don’t go there.

Right. Demisexual. Demi-homo-sexual? Is he even homosexual? Or is he bi, and just doesn’t have enough data points, since there’s only ever been one person. Maybe he has the potential to fall in love with a woman - it just hasn’t happened yet.

Deep down, though, Eddie knows it couldn’t be anyone but Buck ever. Loving someone besides a best friend - besides Buck - that’s just unfathomable.

Eddie’s still a bit confused on what to do with all the terms. At this point, quite frankly, there’s too many of them. And though they were initially helpful at showing him options for what he could be, he doesn’t feel the need to fully give himself a set of labels yet. He’s queer, and in love with his best friend. And that’s all that’s important, and all there is to know.

He should be feeling more shame than he is. He grew up Catholic, and is currently having some very un-Catholic thoughts (last night was a prime example). But that Catholic guilt still hasn’t come. In fact, ever since he started experiencing joy, like Brian the priest told him too, the shame hasn’t been there. He doesn’t feel the need to deprive himself of anything, of fruit juice. And so, he doesn’t feel bad about wanting Buck.

And something clicks in Eddie’s brain right then. He wants Buck, and he wants Buck to know. What is he doing waiting around? He wants - needs - to tell Buck how he feels. Today. Now.

Maybe it’s the sudden high he’s on from his feelings for Buck, or maybe it’s anxiety from not hearing from Chris, or maybe it’s the need to not deprive himself of anything any longer. But in reality, it doesn’t matter. Eddie is doing this.

And that’s how Eddie ends up knocking on Buck’s door 20 minutes later.

“Hey,” Buck says, yawning. It was earlier than Eddie thought - 7:30 AM on a Sunday. He’s been so anxious about, well, everything, that he’s barely slept.

“Hi, sorry I didn’t realize how early it was,” Eddie quickly mutters, walking into Buck’s loft. This is not going off to a good start. Eddie quickly busies himself in the kitchen and starts making coffee.

“Did you wake me up at dawn because your Hildy is broken? Do I need to buy you a new one?” Eddie looks up and sees Buck leaning on the counter, looking at him. It’s almost flirtatious. But it’s also incredibly normal behavior for them. Is Buck flirting with him? Has Buck been flirting with Eddie for years, and he just never noticed?

“Ah, no, sorry. I just wanted to talk to you about something, and well, I figured if I was going to wake you up early I may as well make you coffee first.”

“And this couldn’t wait til a reasonable hour?” Buck smirks. Actually smirks. Eddie can’t believe this. Everything is clicking into place. They might actually have a shot at this. At something real.

“No,” Eddie answers simply.

“And why not?”

Eddie takes a deep breath, trying his best to steady himself under Buck’s gaze. “Because I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage later.”

“Do I need to sit down for this conversation?” Buck asks, moving toward his couch.

“No, it needs to happen in the kitchen.”

“The kitchen, why the kitchen?” Buck asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I don’t know, it just feels right.”

“Okay…” Buck says, rifling around in his fridge.

Eddie fiddles a bit with his fingers before the words tumble out of him. “So, I’ve had a lot of extra time on my hands recently, as you know, and with all that extra time, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and, I guess I want to start doing things that make me feel joy, and not keep it all repressed inside, anyway all this to say, I guess, recently, I’ve realized, I-” and that’s the moment Eddie sees what Buck is pulling out of his fridge. “Is that croissant dough?”

“Yeah, I was tempted to text Tommy last night, so, you know, distraction. I did not realize how long it takes to make croissants though. I guess it’s kind of good you woke me up early, I may be able to eat these before noon. Anyway, what were you saying?”

Shit. In Eddie’s sleep-deprived haze, he had completely forgotten. “Tommy, right,” he somehow gets out. He can’t confess his feelings now, not when Buck was just wallowing last night about his breakup.

Truth 16: Eddie cannot confess his feelings until Buck is so so moved on from that man.

Eddie quickly hands Buck the freshly made espresso, and tries to make his way to the door. “Anyway, I should probably get going. Sorry, this wasn’t worth getting you up early for.”

“No, what is it, you’ve got me up and curious now. You’re realizing…” Buck prompts, his arm moving in front of Eddie, just barely touching his stomach, preventing him from leaving, and sending shock waves down Eddie’s whole body.

“I’m realizing… I think I’m gonna start taking dance lessons,” Eddie says, blurting out the first thing that came to mind. Dance lessons?

“Okay…” Buck says, confused. “That’s it?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, trying to figure out something else to say. “Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“Do I think it’s a good idea for you to start taking dance lessons?”

“Yes.”

“Sure, if you want to. Is that really all you wanted to talk about?” Buck tries to make eye contact with Eddie, but Eddie looks anywhere but.

“Yeah, of course,” Eddie says, glancing down at his buzzing phone. Chris. Chris is actually calling him. “Shit, I need to get this. I’ll see you later,” Eddie says, swiftly walking to the door.

“Wait, what?” Buck asks. Eddie didn’t see it on his face, too focused on the door, but Buck was flabbergasted. “That’s it?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Eddie says, closing the door and picking up the phone.

“Dad?” he hears Chris’s voice through the line.

“Yeah, Chris?” Eddie can’t believe it. This is the first time Chris has called Eddie himself since going to El Paso.

“I got your voicemail,” Chris says softly.

“Oh yeah, I, sorry about that, if it was too much.”

“No, it wasn’t,” he says. “I miss you too.”

“Chris, I, how’s your tr-” Eddie tries asking, before Chris cuts him off.

“Do you want to come visit me in El Paso?”

“I- yes, of course I do. Tell me when and I’ll be there.”

Chris ponders for a moment, before answering, “I get back Friday, so maybe Sunday?”

“Yes, yes, I can’t wait to see you.”

“Yeah, me too. Do you really mean it? It won’t happen again?”

“I- yes, I promise. I haven’t seen her since then. And I don’t want to. I’ve been processing a lot of what happened with your mom, and my feelings about everything, and just figuring out a lot about myself. I’m doing a lot better now. And I swear to you, nothing like that will ever happen again.”

Chris seems to accept this apology. “Okay, good. I have to go - we’re going to the Smithsonian.” “Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. Well, I miss you, and I love you, and I can’t wait to see you.”

“I love you too.”

Eddie’s always been one to keep his expectations low - especially more recently. But he can’t help himself this time. Come Sunday, he’ll see his son in person for the first time in four months. And it’s not like it’s a holiday, or it’s against his will. Chris wants to see Eddie again.

Of course, this doesn’t mean Chris wants to come back. Eddie knows this. He better know it by now, considering the number of times he’s reminded himself of this fact the past 24 hours.

And that’s how Eddie ends up showing up to work bright and early on a Monday with the biggest smile on his face and coffee from the local shop nearby for everyone - well, for Buck, Hen, Chim, and Bobby, that is.

“What’s got you all smiley today - ballroom dance lessons going well?” Chim asks him as he enters the kitchen.

Eddie stops in his tracks, trying to parse what Xhim just said. “Ballroom dance - where’d you get that from?”

“What’s this about dance lessons?” Hen asks.

“I have absolutely no idea,” Eddie responds, exasperated.

“Maddie told me that Buck told her that you wanted to become a pro on Dancing with the Stars and so you started taking ballroom dance lessons,” Chim answers, as if that were a given.

“What? I don’t think I’ve ever even seen an episode of that show - why would I want to be a pro on it?” Eddie says, confused.

“No, that’s not true. Remember - Buck made us watch an episode at the station when Carole Baskin was on it?” Hen buts in.

“Ok fine, well I have never seen an episode that Buck has not forced me to watch then, and I have certainly not seen enough episodes to constitute me trying to get on the show.”

“Look, maybe I embellished the Dancing with the Stars part, but she definitely said ballroom dance lessons,” Chim stars. “Or maybe it was just dance lessons. But dance and lessons and Eddie were all in the same sentence.”

“What’re we talking about?” Buck asks, walking into the kitchen and grabbing his coffee from the table.

“Did you tell Maddie I want to change careers and become a professional dancer?” Eddie asks him.

“Yeah, I mean, you woke me up before sunrise on a Sunday just to tell me you were starting lessons, and then proceeded to leave immediately, so I assumed it was a serious calling, and you needed to leave immediately to get started,” Buck says.

“It wasn’t before sunrise,” he starts, but oh. Eddie had forgotten about that. Now this lie has spread a bit too far for Eddie’s liking, and he needs to cover his tracks. “Yeah, I think I’ve decided not to do that anymore.”

“Are you serious?” Buck asks.

“Now, hold on,” Hen starts. “This could be a very lucrative adventure. I don’t think you should give up so quickly.”

“Yeah Eddie, don’t give up on your dreams before we’ve even seen you shimmy,” Chim says.

“Ha, very funny. Not my dreams, just an idea that I’ve since moved past,” Eddie shrugs.

“Okay, so what’s with the good mood, then?” Hen asks, giving him some sort of look he can’t quite place.

“Oh - I’m just going to see Chris this weekend.”

Buck looks at him, wide-eyed. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! Eddie, this is such great news.” Buck looks a bit flustered, almost. His eyebrows are scrunched a bit, and there’s something in his eyes. Confusion maybe, and a little bit of hurt? No, that can’t be right.

“Is this the first time you’re seeing him since he went to El Paso?” Hen asks. Eddie never told the 118 what happened with Chris and his parents, but they figured out enough to know that this was presumably a big deal.

“Yeah, he asked me to come,” Eddie says.

Hen and Chim both smile warmly at him. “Well, that is very exciting. Almost enough cause for a dance party,” Hen says. And honestly, it just might be enough.

Buck and Chim wander off after a while to do inventory, leaving Hen and Eddie alone in the kitchen.

“So, why did Buck think you wanted to take dance lessons?” she finally asks him.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Eddie says. Hen nods for him to continue, and Eddie relents. “I had gotten in a bit of a spat with my mom, and Chris wasn’t responding to me, and I guess I was lonely, I don’t know, somehow got it in my head that it would be a good idea to confess my feelings to Buck.” Hen looks unfazed. “You don’t seem surprised.”

“I mean, I kind of saw that part coming,” she says.

“Wha- how?”

“Because I am incredibly perceptive. Certainly not because you are incredibly obvious with your feelings.” Eddie gives her a look. “Alright, ok, obviously you didn’t tell him. So what happened?”

“Well, as soon as I decided to do it, I immediately went over without thinking anything through. And I get to his place, and two sentences in, and he’s already bringing up Tommy, and how upset he was about the breakup.”

“Ah.”

“Right, so obviously I couldn’t tell him, and then I made up that stupid excuse about dancing, and then Chris called me so I left in a hurry. And I’ve been ignoring Buck’s texts since then. I don’t know why - maybe I’m hurt, or something. Which is ridiculous, obviously. I mean, I didn’t even tell him anything - I don’t have any good reason to be feeling this way.”

“Well, that’s not true. Your feelings are your feelings, and that’s valid. We both know this isn’t worth icing Buck out for that long for, but it’s okay to take some time for yourself once in a while.”

“Now you sound like Frank,” Eddie retorts.

“Good. I’ve spent too much time in therapy - I’ll be damned if I can’t use some of what I learned for my friends as well.” They stay like that, sharing silence for a while. Hen finally breaks the it. “So, what’re you going to do about Buck,”

“I don’t know,” Eddie groans. “I can’t tell him about my… feelings yet. At very least until he’s done thinking about his ex. And maybe once that happens, I’ll decide if I ever want to tell him. And in the meantime, I’ll just try my best to act normally toward him.”

Hen nods, contemplating what to say. “I think it’s fair that you want to wait to tell him until he’s over Tommy. But for what it’s worth - I don’t think you have anything to worry about - with him reciprocating.”

It wasn’t until Hen said that, that Eddie really started to wonder if Buck could like him back. He started thinking about their past in a completely new light. Was Buck actually flirting with him, all that time? It seemed not just possible, but likely.

Truth 17: Buck might actually like Eddie back.

It was Friday night, and Buck and Eddie were hanging out in Buck’s kitchen - what else is new. Eddie was snacking on some rather delicious lemon bread Buck had made earlier that week. Chris and Eddie had been texting more than usual the past week. When Eddie had been on a call at Chris’ old school (they thought there might be a gas leak - turns out some students had gotten into some rather odorous, but harmless chemicals), Eddie texted Chris a photo there. Chris had immediately responded with all sorts of questions, and things felt almost normal between them. The next day, Chris sent him a photo of a tsunami-focused exhibit at the Smithsonian, which Eddie found a bit less funny than Chris had.

And now here they were, with Chris texting Eddie his flight information so Eddie could track it, texting him that he landed safely, and finally when he met up with his grandparents again. Eddie had been a bit sensitive about flights since Athena’s incident earlier in the year, so he was grateful for the updates.

Eddie’s phone just pinged again - a text from Chris in their group chat with Buck updating them on his grandmother’s horrendous taste in music.

“Are you seeing this?” Eddie asked Buck, who was shockingly, not baking, but instead staring at a glass of water.

“Huh?” Buck asked him, before glancing at his phone. “Wow, it almost seems, dare I say normal?”

“I know,” Eddie said, unable (and unwilling) to hold back his smile.

“What do you think changed?”

“I don’t know. I was just… honest with him. There’s still more to be honest about but… I think we’re on the right path now.”

After a few seconds, Buck placed his hand on top of Eddie’s holding it. That can’t be right. Eddie looked from the hand to Buck’s eyes, which were focused incredibly hard on Eddie. On his reaction. Was this normal? Eddie couldn’t tell. The lines between them had been blurry for years. This could very well be Buck comforting Eddie as he normally would, in a platonic way.

Eddie cleared his throat, and Buck’s hand moved back tentatively, before resting nearby on the counter. Eddie, desperate to move the conversation along and see how Buck was at, said, “so, how are you holding up, with the breakup and all.”

“Oh, right, Tommy,” Buck said quickly. “Yeah, doing better.”

This was unlike Buck. Buck almost always talks borderline too much about his feelings. And now, all Eddie gets is “better”? He clearly isn’t doing much better, given they’re currently eating freshly baked lemon loaf. “That’s it? Just better?”

Buck looks at him, eyebrows furrowed. “I mean, what else do you want me to say?”

Eddie paused for a second, because Buck actually had a point. Did Eddie actually want to hear all about how sad Buck was about Tommy? Not even remotely. But, he was a good friend - a best friend - and he would listen if Buck needed that.

But Buck continued before Eddie had the chance to respond. “I feel… stupid. Yet another relationship that I jumped too quickly into that I probably shouldn’t have. It’s just another failure in the long list of them.”

Eddie paused. That was not what he was expecting Buck to say at all. He assumed based on the baking that Buck was still thinking about… “Woah, hey, slow down. You’re not a failure. Just because a relationship didn’t work out… that doesn’t say anything about you or your character.”

“But I don’t even miss him. I never did. That’s almost the worst part. I miss having a boyfriend, but I don’t miss him in particular.” Buck finally glances up, looking at Eddie. “It was never really him that I wanted.”

Eddie swallowed roughly. He couldn’t be… could he? “And what is it that you want?” Eddie said, looking away and taking a sip of water. He couldn’t do this. In theory, he was 90% sure Buck felt the same. But in practice… he was too nervous he was wrong. Curiosity got the better of him - just enough to go about this as subtlety as possible.

“I think you know,” Buck said softly, reaching his pinky ever so slightly toward Eddie’s. Eddie couldn’t stop staring at it. He knew it was his turn to make a move, but was this the right decision? He hadn’t even fully thought it through the ramifications of this yet - he was waiting for Buck to get over Tommy fully. But, it seems like that might have already happened. So maybe, just maybe, it was safe to jump.

Just as Eddie was about to - well who knows what he was going to do, but it was going to be something - his phone started buzzing on the counter. They both jumped, startled, and Eddie flipped his phone over and saw it was Chris. “Shit, um, I have to take this,” he muttered. Buck just nodded. He understood - Eddie knew he did.

“Hey, Chris, what’s up?” Eddie answered the phone to Chris’ muffled crying. “Chris, are you alright?”

“I’m okay,” he said. “I just got home and opened the package you sent.”

Eddie’s eyes widened. “Oh, I forgot I sent that, it was so long ago. I’m sorry if it upset you… I was just trying-”

“Can I come home?”

Eddie could barely believe what he was hearing. He instinctively looked at Buck, wide-eyed, but of course Buck just stared back at him confused, unable to hear the other side of Eddie’s conversation. “Of course, of course you can. Anytime.”

“Tomorrow?”

Eddie answered before even thinking about work or any responsibilities (thankfully he had tomorrow off anyway). “Tomorrow - tomorrow is great. I’ll start driving right now, and we can take all your stuff back in one trip.”

“Okay,” Chris whispered.

Eddie didn’t know how to leave this conversation. His son was clearly upset, and he could only get there so quick. “Can I do something - anything?”

“No, I just- I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, and I love you, and I’ll be there tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay,” Chris said. Eddie could hear the sniffles start to quiet down.

“Hey - have you seen the new episode of Hot Shots yet?” Eddie asked.

“No,” Chris said. “I missed the last two because of the trip.”

“You should watch it soon. And text us your reactions to everything.”

“Okay,” Chris said, confusion replacing what was once sadness. “Is Buck there?”

Eddie glanced at Buck again, instinctively smiling. Did he always do that? “Yeah, he’s here with me.”

“Can you tell him I miss him too?”

“Of course.”

“Alright,” Chris said, seemingly satisfied. “Goodnight, Dad.”

“Goodnight, Chris. You’re gonna be okay, kid.”

Eddie hung up and redirected his attention to Buck, who was staring at him intently. “What did he say?” Buck asked.

“He wants to come home. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Buck looked about as relieved as Eddie felt.

“Yeah,” Eddie smiled. “Shit, I gotta leave now. I’m-” Eddie paused, realizing what was happening before Chris called. “We were just in the middle of a conversation.”

“Yeah, but that’s okay. This is more important. We can finish it later.” And this is part of why he loved Buck. Because he understood, when it came to Chris. Eddie felt so bad delaying this, but it could wait. They’ve waited seven years already - what’s a couple more days.

“You’re sure?” Eddie asked. “You know, if it was anything else, if it was anyone else, I wouldn’t…”

Buck smiled, and nodded. “You should get going. Chris is pretty impatient.” Buck forced a chuckle, so did Eddie as well. “Text me when you get there?” he asked.

“Of course. Come here,” Eddie said, hugging him. It was a longer hug than normal for them. Not that Eddie minded.

“Alright,” Buck said, pulling back. “You should get on the road.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, walking toward the door. “I love you,” Eddie blurted out as he was about to leave.

Buck smiled at him - a warm, genuine one. “I love you, too,” he said back.

And then Eddie set off for El Paso.

Truth 18: Eddie couldn’t wait to get Chris. But come on - could his timing be any worse?

Eddie was about halfway through his drive, approaching Phoenix. He’d just refiled on gas and gotten a fresh cup of coffee which tasted… well, he’d had worse coffees in his life. It was 3AM now, and if he stayed on track, he’d reach his parents house by 10AM. Maybe he shouldn’t be driving right now, but Eddie felt wide awake and alert. Years of being a firefighter trained him to be able to stay up this long with little sleep.

He’d texted both Chris and Buck his status when he’d stopped for gas. Both of them responded quickly, which Eddie was a bit disappointed in. They could both use the sleep. Chris had just finished the most recent episode of Hot Shots - the one he and Buck were in - and had a lot of questions.

Truth 19: Eddie was actually excited about his future, for maybe the first time in his life.

It was lonely driving on the 10, but Eddie was vigilant - constantly checking his speed - something he picked up not long after becoming a firefighter. Especially now - he had too much to look forward to to get in an accident. He noticed some headlights in the distance - the first car he’d seen in miles. It was almost eerily quiet. In LA, there were always people driving at night, but not here.

Eddie was using the drive to do a lot of thinking. Once they got back, he’d have the conversation with Buck. They’ll tell each other how they feel (it seems like Buck already feels the same way), but Eddie’ll also tell Buck that Christopher would need to be okay with everything. That’s the only thing he’s unsure about. He would understand if Chris didn’t want them to date - after Eddie’s track record, it would be understandable if Chris didn’t want him to date what is essentially his second parent. And honestly, Eddie probably wouldn’t want to bring it up with Chris right away. He’d want Chris to get used to being back in LA before throwing any curveballs at him.

But someday, they’d figure it out. He knew they would. Maybe they would have to wait until Chris went off to college, or something, but they’d find a way to be together, in time. They were Buck and Eddie - it just made sense.

But then, all of a sudden, the headlights were heading straight towards him. Eddie tried his best to swerve, but it was no use. He saw Chris and Buck flash before his eyes, and then, everything went black.

Eddie woke up in the all-too-familiar setting of bright lights and a sterile smell. He tried sitting up, and felt pain shoot through his legs and back. He glanced around the room without moving his head and saw Bobby to his right, rosary in hand, praying.

“Bobby?” Eddie choked out.

“Eddie?” Bobby’s eyes snapped toward him. “Oh, thank god. Let me call the nurse,” he said, pressing a button on one of the many machines hooked up to his body.

“Bobby, what’s going on?” Eddie whispered. He tried to remember what had just happened. He was picking up Chris, right? Was Chris with him when this happened? “Chris?”

“You were in a car accident in New Mexico. Chris is fine - Buck is getting him now, and then they’ll both come here to see you.” Eddie nodded - well, nodded as best as he could with the shooting pain. “Just get some rest, Eddie, alright?” And that was all the convincing Eddie needed to dose off again.

When Eddie wakes again, the room is much different than it was before. There’s balloons, and stuffed animals at the foot of his bed, and his two favorite people asleep in chairs right next to him, two hands resting on his arm. “Chris? Buck?” Eddie says, unable to hold back the tears.

“Dad?” Chris says, squeezing his arm a bit.

“Eddie,” Buck whispers, relief washing over his face.

“Oh, Chris, I’ve missed you so much,” Eddie says, pulling him into a hug despite the pain. They stayed like that - hugging and crying, with Buck hanging back a bit - for a while before breaking apart. Chris and Buck (well, mostly Chris) then proceeded to catch Eddie up on everything he missed.

Chris and Buck had been live tracking Eddie’s location while he was driving (and while Buck was providing an excruciatingly detailed account of their time on Hot Shots) and they noticed Eddie had stopped moving in the middle of the road for a few minutes. They got concerned, and called him, to no answer. They then called Maddie, who routed them to the correct 911 dispatch center, who then got Eddie help. Eddie had a pretty bad concussion, a rib fracture, and some bad bruising, but he was going to be fine.

Buck then started immediately driving to Eddie, and Chris tried to get Helena and Ramon to take him to Eddie, but they refused - saying it didn’t sound that bad. “Typical, given they didn’t show up when you were shot,” Buck muttered at this part. So, they changed plans - Buck drove to El Paso to get Christopher, and called Bobby since he didn’t want Eddie to wake up alone (which apparently took very little convincing).

Then, when Buck arrived to get Chris, Helena and Ramon refused to give him to a “stranger”, which led to Buck telling them about Eddie’s will (which they were unaware of), and after validating that information, they couldn’t legally keep Chris while Eddie wasn’t conscious, so Buck and Chris set off with all of Chris’ stuff. Despite his high energy at the beginning of the tale, Chris started dosing off near the end - snuggled up next to Eddie in the hospital bed.

“Wow, seems like y’all had quite the trip,” Eddie says. “I’m bummed I missed it.”

“I wouldn’t be - your parents were pissed when they found out about your will,” Buck says.

“Yeah, in retrospect I probably should’ve told them about that.”

“Well, it took you a year to tell me, so they shouldn’t surprised.”

Eddie glanced down toward his son, snoring softly beside him. His poor kid had been through too much at his young age. “How’s he been holding up?” Eddie asks.

“Oh, you know,” Buck starts. “Not great. I guess the reason he finally asked to come home was because something about smores got him thinking about his mom, and her dying, and he realized he wanted to spend as much time as he could with you, in case you die. And then of course you proceeded to immediately almost die. So he was pretty shaken up the whole time. He calmed down a lot once we got here.”

Eddie looked down at his kid, who’s been through so much - too much - in his lifetime, and squeezed him tight. “Thanks for going to get him,” Eddie says.

“Of course - you know the only thing that comes before you is him,” Buck says almost automatically. Eddie looks up from Chris to see Buck smiling, weakly. “I was so scared, Eddie. Scared that you were dead, and that you died before getting to see Chris again, and that that was our last conversation, and that we’d never have a shot at… at anything.”

“Come on, this isn’t even remotely my closest call.”

“Eddie, I’m being serious here,” Buck pleaded.

“I know,” Eddie whispered. “I would’ve been scared about all of that as well if I was conscious, or if it had been you.” Buck started to reach for Eddie’s cheek, but Eddie shook his head. “Not here - not now,” he said, gesturing toward Chris, and Buck nodded, resting his hand on Eddie’s shoulder instead. Much more platonic.

The stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s silence, before Eddie broke it by saying, “Buck, I want everything with you.”

Buck looked at him, questioning. Almost as if he didn’t believe Eddie. “Everything?”

“Yes - everything you can imagine, and more. I’ve wanted it for so long. Well, I wasn’t aware of it until a few months ago, but I think I’ve always known, deep down, that you were it for me.” Buck started to speak, but Eddie cut him off. “Just let me finish, okay? I want it, you, so badly, but… I just got my son back. And I can’t mess up his life again when I’ve just got him back.” Eddie could see tears coming out of Buck’s eyes matching his own.

“I know,” was all Buck said.

“You’re it for me. I won’t date anyone else - I couldn’t date anyone else. And I don’t expect you to wait for us to be ready, or anything. But once this has all settled down a bit, and if you still want me… I’d like try - to give it a shot with you.”

Buck nodded. “I don’t think there’s anyone else for me either. Not really, not deep down. Whenever you feel ready just give me a sign, and I’ll come running.”

The next few months were a blur, looking back. They all managed to make it back to LA without any accidents, and Eddie and Chris easily fell back into their rhythm from before. There was still some tension every now and then, but nothing beyond the typical teenage woes.

Buck and Eddie managed to maintain a relatively normal relationship, all things considered. They were less physically affectionate - which was all Eddie’s doing. He just couldn’t handle it - not when he was aware of his feelings. Eddie had told Buck about his sexuality awakening a week after they got back to LA, and they proceeded to never talk about their romantic lives again. Not that there was anything to talk about with Eddie. Eddie would hear about Buck’s occasional date from the rest of the 118, but nothing ever seemed that serious. They still hung out all the time - both with and without Christopher.

A few months into Chris being back, Eddie told him about being demisexual and gay (Eddie had decided in this time he was definitely not attracted to women at all). And Chris pretty much immediately asked if he was dating Buck. To which Eddie said no, and Chris asked why not, and Eddie didn’t have a great answer, and… well, Chris didn’t seem immediately opposed to the idea. But he was definitely not fully on board.

A few months later, the three of them were watching some real housewives show that Buck had gotten them all hooked on, with Buck in the middle - Eddie keeping a very respectable four inches of distance. During a commercial break, Chris suddenly asked, “are you two ever going to date for real?”

Buck and Eddie both turned to look at each other, questioning, before Eddie finally said, “what makes you say that, kid?”

“No one needs to lie here, I’ve spoken to both of you separately about it. We might as well talk about it together. Or, maybe exclude me from that conversation.” Chris made a face at the end there.

“Chirs, nothing’s going on,” Buck said.

“You both really like each other, it’s almost disgusting to watch. I don’t know why you’re not dating. My only theory is that I have something to do with it. So if that’s the case, I just want to let both of you know, I’m incredibly chill with the two of you dating, as long as you don’t do PDA in front of me, and as long as you don’t break up, and if you do break up, you promise we’ll still all hang out together.”

“Alright Chris, we’ll take it under advisement,” Buck chuckled.

“Okay, well I’m going to bed, then,” Chris said.

“You don’t want to finish the episode?” Eddie asked.

“I’ll finish it tomorrow - you two kids have fun,” he said, walking to his room.

Buck and Eddie didn’t speak for the remainder of the episode. They did manage to close the respectable four inch distance Eddie had set up - it had shrank to a dangerous half inch between their knees by the end of the episode.

“So,” Buck said, pausing the remote so the next episode wouldn’t auto-play. “Are you free tomorrow?”

“What’s tomorrow?” Eddie asked, confused. He turned to look at Buck, but Buck’s eyes were pinned to the faintly glowing TV.

“Our first date - if you’re interested, that is.” Buck finally turned to look at Eddie, and their noses were almost touching.

“I can’t believe you still want to.”

Buck smiled softly. “Of course - I haven’t been interested in anyone else in years.”

“What about Tommy?” It was a fair question - Buck and Tommy were still dating less than a year ago.

“Yeah, I don’t think I ever liked him - not really. I was just jealous because he was hanging out with you. Anyway, why are we talking about him? Tomorrow?”

Eddie smiled. He had spent enough time pondering their relationship and had suspected as much, but it was nice to hear regardless. “I can’t believe you talked to my son about wanting to date me.”

“It’s not my fault - he asked me directly!” Buck exclaimed. “And stop avoiding the question.”

“You know I’m free - we have a shared Google calendar.”

“Great. It’s a date,” Buck said. Their faces were so close, but not quite close enough. Eddie was about to close the gap between their lips, when Buck promptly stood up. “Well, I should probably head out. Big plans tomorrow, and everything.”

Eddie was tempted to smack Buck, right then and there. “Buck,” he sighed.

“What?” Buck smirked. “Oh, did you want something?”

“You jerk,” Eddie said. “Not anymore.”

Buck sat back down, and gently grasped Eddie’s neck, caressing his cheek with his thumb. He moved his lips so they were somehow even closer than they were before, but without touching. “You sure about that?”

“No,” Eddie whispered. And then Eddie kissed Buck - or maybe Buck kissed Eddie, it was too hard to tell. The kiss was soft and sweet - yet somehow left Eddie wanting so much more. So different than any kiss he’d had before. This is what it was supposed to feel like. Soon their tongues were touching and their chests were touching and everything was touching. Buck’s hands went to Eddie’s hair, pulling sharply, and he moaned softly.

After some time, Buck pulled back sharply. Eddie was all sorts of out of breath, and Buck looked in similar shape. It was certainly the best kiss of Eddie’s life (especially considering the demisexuality of it all) - and Eddie didn’t know this yet, but it was the same for Buck as well. “We should probably leave it there, given your son is in the room next door,” Buck said.

Right. “Good point,” Eddie said, too dazed to say much more.

Buck leaned in one more time, leaving a soft kiss on Eddie’s lips, and one more on his forehead, before standing up. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered.

“Yeah, see you then,” Eddie smiles up at him - too disoriented to think of something more clever to say.

Buck left, and Eddie stayed there on the couch, contemplating everything. He was giddy - maybe for the first time in his life. And he fell asleep there on the couch that night, smiling.

Truth 20: Eddie had finally gotten it right.