Work Text:
Abandoned
Love.
Love is a feeling that was talked about as this feeling of absolutely euphoria, something that was described as the best feeling in the world. There are millions of songs that have been written trying to describe that feeling, countless stories about one’s love for another being the solution to all of life’s endless problems. As long as you had love, your life was supposed to be happy.
So why was love the thing to ruin Ivan?
Was Ivan doing it wrong? It seemed like everyone who was in love was always so happy, even people his own age. Whenever he saw the way Sua looks at Mizi he was able to see a shine in her eyes that never appears anywhere else, whenever Mizi is around Sua her eyes crinkle at the corners, something that only happens around someone you love. Ivan has taken notes on how their eyes dilate whenever they look at each other, how their smiles seem to brighten whenever they talk to one another. The pair were so happy whenever they were together.
They had somewhere to express that love.
Ivan had nowhere.
Could Ivan even describe what he felt as love when it hurt so badly? Based on everything he had observed from the other kids at ANAKT, what he felt seemed like love, but love was supposed to feel blissful, so why wasn’t that case for him? If it wasn’t love, what was he feeling? For others, love turned out happily ever after, but for Ivan, it only felt like a bitter wound that got worse with each passing day.
Ivan felt this feeling that could only try to emulate ‘love’, it was nothing but a twisted and stained history from the very first moment the feeling hit to the final breath he took. Love lifted everyone else up while he could only fall endlessly to the bottom of the deep dark sea where he couldn’t find anyone while the salt water filled all of his wounds. The numbingly cold water had no affect on Ivan, the pain he was feeling overpowering the coldness with ease and beginning to hurt as bad as a physical pain.
Why? Ivan couldn’t say. A majority of the most popular romance stories has a character being depressed and down in the dumps, but when their so-called ‘special someone’, everything changes and their emotions do a 180 with everything seemingly starting to get better immediately after. Meeting your ‘special someone’ was supposed to cause your heart to thump a bit harder in your chest, make blood rush to your cheeks, cause your breath to shake, this seems to be a universal reaction. Despite Ivan meeting a ‘special someone’ exactly like in the stories, none of this happened.
He knew that this reaction wasn’t just a tale that had been passed down by the old humans on Earth, the way he overheard Mizi talking about Sua mirrored the way love has been described for centuries now. Was something wrong with him? Was his ‘special person’ not the right one? Why did his ‘special person’ only leave a cold spot stained with blood? Why was his supposed ‘special person’ make Ivan want to carve scars beneath his eyes? Why did all his hopes and dreams just end up being stained with blood in the end? All of yesterday’s daydreams ended up getting torn apart.
To try and determine what was different about this person, you have to start from the very beginning.
There was no way Ivan could deny that he wasn’t fortunate, while his living situations weren’t ideal, he was taken care of, and that was more than a lot of other kids. Once Ivan had been taught how to not show any emotion, he integrated that fully into his everyday life. He had always known that he didn’t feel like others, but after hearing the words that the universe has taken as gospel about the feeling of love, Ivan assumed that was a feeling he would feel like others. Why wouldn’t he after all? Love had been described as a blessing by millions of people from every generation, so if there was a feeling Ivan would feel like most people, it should be love.
When his guardian informed Ivan that he would be enrolled into ANAKT Garden, he had no real opinions on it. It would be the same as it was at home; good behaviour always gets rewarded. He had been told how he had an exceptional giftedness for singing since he was adopted, so it was no surprise that Unsha would want to send him to ANAKT to help further his musical abilities. Being naturally withdrawn, Ivan knew that he would be able to just observe silently from a distance without forming deep connections with the other kids.
Ivan didn’t start talking to the other kids in his class until he noticed his teacher glancing at him from across the room whenever he sat alone. After this, he quickly began to get along with the other kids which dispelled any worries the teacher had, leading to a very positive note about Ivan being written. The note’s ending stated it obvious Ivan was brought up well, so he continued to do all the things that would lead to rewards; a habit was quickly made of politely greeting all of his teachers, staying out of trouble, following instructions and getting all work done on time. Once he did this, he quickly garnered the trust of all teachers, kids, and guards alike, no deep connections with them required.
It wasn’t until one day Ivan was practicing his smiles in the reflection of the water in the garden pond that something shifted. He didn’t know what it was, but there was something different about today. He walked into the classroom, saying good morning to his teacher before sitting down at his desk. Most kids swung their legs when they sat down in their chairs, but not Ivan. He kept his feet flat on the ground, just like he was taught. It was polite, after all, it showed the teacher that he was focused on what was being taught.
Once the sound of a kid hitting the floor hit Ivan’s ears, he blinked and turned around to look at what caused that noise. His eyes quickly landed on a head of shaggy grey hair with piercing teal eyes. In that moment, that colour didn’t mean anything to him, but little did Ivan know that he had discovered his favourite colour then.
“I told you not to touch my drawing!” Till yelled at the kid, who was now on the floor. His face was slightly red—was it because he was flustered or hot? —which brought out the bruises and scrapes that littered his face. Quickly, the kid got off the ground and tackled Till to the ground, bringing his fist up and hitting the artist right in the cheek.
As Ivan watched this exchange as the teacher got involved, his mind began to wander. Why did Till shove the kid onto the ground? He mentioned a drawing, did the other kid want to see the drawing? Why wouldn’t Till show them the drawing? Ivan slowly stood up from his seat, slowly walking towards where the scene was happening. His black eyes focused like a camera lens on Till’s face, he had never seen an expression like that before. Could something as simple as a drawing really be able to trigger the reaction Till did? What about the drawing was so special?
Before the teacher was able to fully diffuse the situation, Ivan kneeled down onto the ground to take a look at the forgotten paper now on the ground. His eyes scanned the paper quickly, taking in every detail within a couple of seconds before standing back up and walking back to his desk. As he sat down in his desk, Ivan began to process the contents of the paper fully.
It was a drawing, drawn in what was presumably an HB pencil. Despite the rough and messy style, the drawing seemed incomplete with a messy line down the center of it, one that would come from pulling a paper away while someone was still writing on it. With these details, Ivan came to the conclusion that Till was most likely drawing when the other kid came up to him to grab his attention, and when Till didn’t give them his attention, they grabbed the paper while Till was still drawing. While that answers how the situation happened, it didn’t explain why it happened. Why wouldn’t Till give the kid his attention? It was rude to ignore people who are addressing you directly after all, didn’t he know that good behaviour would lead to good results? Despite these questions clouding his mind, one question poked through the clouds like a ray of sunlight would.
What would it take to get Till’s attention?
From that day on, Ivan began to observe Till exclusively and he quickly noticed that he seemed to be the opposite of himself. He constantly got into trouble and rebelled against the teachers whenever he had the chance, voicing his thoughts loud and clear so everyone knew what he was thinking. Despite him being vocal about his own thoughts, it seemed impossible to get his attention willingly. Why was that? Ivan didn’t know why, but he slowly became obsessed with having Till’s attention.
Wanting the attention from your ‘special someone’ is a normal feeling for love, so that had to mean that Ivan would feel the happiness that came from love sooner than later once he got Till’s attention. Despite having the background knowledge of Till’s behaviour of lashing out, Ivan craved Till’s attention like a drug. He wanted Till’s attention to be his, he wondered how he would feel after he got his attention, how good love would feel.
During one of the play breaks out in the garden, Ivan saw a circle of the artificial red flowers from the ANAKT garden on the ground, the stems having methodically been weaved together to fit someone’s head. Ivan had seen these flowers before, he overheard Mizi talking to Sua about how much she loved them one day. Soon enough, Till walks over to the flower crown on the ground, some freshly picked flowers now in hand. Ivan watches as Till manipulates the stems of the flowers with practiced ease, making sure that the flower stays perfectly intact. So, what did Ivan do?
He walked over, and without hesitation, he stepped on the flower crown that was on the ground.
“What is your problem?!” Till yelled, immediately standing up and lunging at Ivan. He grabbed his face with one of his hands, throwing a punch directly into Ivan’s jaw.
Ivan felt his heart begin to thump louder than usual, what he was feeling had to be love right?
With every punch Till threw at him, every kick he did, Ivan had a smile on his face throughout the entire thing. Who cared if other kids were crowding around? Till’s attention was his, he was in love with it. This had to be what love felt like.
After that moment, Ivan began to hang around Till everyday. He quickly learned that he had a crush on Mizi, his violent behaviour always coming to a halt whenever she was around. Ivan watched Till for hours as he drew her on the back of his assignments, memorizing every way that Till moved the pencil. As time went on, the wound that had formed began to open more and more, every time his heart skipped a beat around Till feeling more like a painful ache.
Ivan could no longer go through his day-to-day life like he used to. He was unable to just ignore it and move on. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t close his eyes or his mind to the thoughts that continued to flood him. He thought that Till’s attention was his, but Ivan realized quickly that he would never have Till’s attention in the same way as Mizi.
If what he was feeling truly was love, why did it hurt this much? Whenever Ivan saw Till admiring Mizi from afar, he’d laugh and remind himself he could do nothing to change that. He accepted that he couldn’t reach Till, so he imagined standing next to Till as he shined brightly, but he was imagining alone. It really was ironic, there was nowhere in the entire universe where Till could rest, and yet he shakes it off and stands tall, like nothing happened. Ivan knew from the very start that at the end of the story, there was only a cold spot stained with blood left as he eternally waited to be Till’s—his black sorrow’s—sunlight.
But this was only a dream that he was dreaming alone.
Ivan eventually decided that he was going to write a song about how he felt, that’s how people for millions of years have conveyed their emotions—especially love—for another. Till would then see how deeply Ivan cares about him, how strong his love was.
After working with some of his teachers to help him record and burn a CD, Ivan put it in an envelope alongside a red flower from the garden that was pressed into a thin plastic case, and sealed it. Holding this gift to his chest, he walked out into the garden for their play break, his eyes scanning the area of any sight of the familiar silver hair he had memorized better than his own name. Once his eyes landed on him by a tree, Ivan walked over.
With every step he took, he saw Till was looking at something from behind the tree, holding something in his hand. Once the familiar pink hair came into Ivan’s vision, he knew exactly what was happening.
Ivan blinked slowly as he stood in Till’s light like a shadow, a flicker of something sparking up inside of him but disappearing faster than it came. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t give Till the gift, it’s not like he could give his song to someone else. He hid the CD in the bottom of his cubby in the classroom, staring at it sitting at the bottom of the container for a minute before he pushed it in. In his chest, he felt a bitter wound where his heart should be beginning to open up wider, allowing more of the salt water to fill up the new space with ease.
Maybe the song wouldn’t convey his emotions properly, maybe Ivan needed to do something else. He knew there was nowhere Till could rest…
So, when Ivan heard of a meteor shower in the following evening, he had an idea.
If Till had nowhere he could rest and nobody who cares about him, they should escape together so Ivan could give Till that. He knew how to disarm Till’s collar, every passage in ANAKT that leads to the secret opening in the garden where the pair could leave. If Ivan was caught, he would lose the trust of all the teachers and guards, but he was willing to sacrifice that to escape with Till; that’s what love was about, right? Making sacrifices for your ‘special someone’? Ivan had watched Till go into a restricted area within the garden to retrieve Mizi’s flower crown and came face to face with a guardian, and yet he sacrificed himself to get the crown back for her, so if anyone would understand sacrificing yourself for the one you love, it would be Till, right?
Finding where Till was tied up, Ivan walked into the chamber and knelt down beside Till, disarming the collar that was around his neck as well as unlocking the restraints around his ankles. Once Ivan finished untying the straight jacket that Till was in, he shook the boy awake, looking over his shoulder to make sure no one was there.
“Ivan...? What are you doing here?”
“I’m getting us out of here.”
“Where are we going?”
As Ivan finished unzipping the straight jacket, he tugged it off of Till and pulled him to his feet. There was a flash of determination in his eyes that had never been there before, the feeling of adrenaline that was coursing through his veins feeling intoxicating. This had to be love, there was no doubt about it. This intense feeling that Ivan felt was exactly like the way love had been described for so many years before, he finally had the chance to escape with Till, to provide him with a place where he could rest without any care in the world.
Running off of this adrenaline high, Ivan grabbed Till’s hand without a second thought as he began to pull him down the hallways of ANAKT. Despite Till’s protests, Ivan kept a strong grip on his hand as he led him through the seemingly endless white walls that he had memorized for this moment.
“There’s a meteor shower tonight, so patrols are limited outside. While no meteors are thought to hit ANAKT, there are supposed to be a few that will graze past here, so none of the guards will be outside.”
While Ivan spoke, he couldn’t hide the wide grin that was on his face, the shine in his eyes that showed his excitement clear as day. Finally, he would be able to be with his special someone without any other caveats, Till’s attention would fully be on him. Ivan couldn’t tell why his heart was racing, whether it was from the adrenaline of holding Till’s hand or possibly getting caught he couldn’t say, but it was a feeling that he would be addicted to for the rest of his living days.
Once the pair got outside, Till’s eyes widened in pure awe. The orange sky that was lit up due to the falling meteors was picture perfect, a sight that couldn’t be explained with words. A smile quickly appeared on Till’s lips, causing Ivan’s grin to only widen. He had never seen Till so excited in his life, and the knowledge that he was the reason why he was so excited was exhilarating to Ivan; no other feeling in the universe could compare. For the first time ever, Till looked… free, like he had somewhere to go where he would never have to look back.
Ivan’s feet propelled him faster, his body beginning to full on run towards the gap in the garden fence. He had no idea how Unsha was going to react, but he hoped that due to his outstanding behaviour he would take Till in so they could stay together, so that Till finally had a place to rest after fending for himself for so long. As soon as Ivan saw the gap in the fence, it slowly began to set in that everything he dreamed about was going to become a reality once they went through that gap. Impulsively Ivan went to go tighten his grip on Till’s hand only to be met with… nothing.
No words could even begin to describe the type of pain that Ivan felt as soon as it registered in his head that Till had stopped.
Ivan’s smile dropped quicker than the speed of light, turning around to see the last thing that he ever wanted to. He watched helplessly as Till turned around and began running back towards ANAKT, the emptiness in Ivan’s chest only growing more intense with every step Till took away from him. For a moment, Ivan just stood there, his body frozen as his gaze fixated on Till. He didn’t know what to do in this situation, but he knew he had to do something. The ideal thing would be to run away now that he had the chance, to escape ANAKT and go home to his guardian and never return, but Ivan didn’t do that. Instead, Ivan did the only thing he knew how to do, the thing he was taught to do ever since his earliest memories.
Smile.
Smiling was the only thing that Ivan could manage to do, what else was he supposed to do after all? He had never felt this stupid in his life, of course Till knew all about sacrificing everything for the person you love, but Till didn’t love him, so why would’ve he followed? Mizi was back at ANAKT, she wasn’t going anywhere else anytime soon, so why would Till give that up to be with the person he sees as a bother?
On top of all of this, one question plagued Ivan’s mind and shook him to his very core.
Why did this have to happen to him? Why did love hurt this bad?
Was there something he did to deserve this? If there was, Ivan would use everything in his power to repent for it because nothing else could hurt worse than what Ivan was feeling right now. He must’ve done something wrong, love had never been described this way before, so where did he go wrong? If it wasn’t love, what the hell was it? It was as strong—if not stronger—than how love was described, so Ivan assumed that what he was feeling had to be love since what else could it be?
Ivan never got an explanation as to why Till had turned back that night, and he never asked for one. Life relatively went back to normal, Ivan went back to following Till around, doing whatever he could to grab the other boy’s attention, but the only difference was that the pain got worse with every glance that wasn’t directed his way, every time he drew Mizi instead of him, it seemed like everything Till did only caused Ivan more pain, and yet, despite all of this, Ivan still followed as Till’s shadow, a shadow that was as black as can be.
Everything started to blur together, and before Ivan knew it, he was standing on a stage beside a former classmate of his. Marty. He was one of the kids Ivan planned to get to know so his teachers wouldn’t worry about him isolating himself from the other kids, but that plan went down the drain as soon Till grabbed his attention. This was a former classmate, a peer, someone who he had gone through ANAKT with, so why wasn’t he feeling bad? Ivan knew that the aliens adored him—he even became the first human model for an alien brand—so he knew that it wouldn’t be hard to win over the audience of Alien Stage, he just had to follow what he knew.
Look at the audience, connect with them. Smile, make sure to hide that revolting tooth. Make it look effortless, use your charisma to win any doubters over.
Before he had been given the lyrics for Black Sorrow, a thought flashed in Ivan’s mind momentarily. He knew that if he really tried, he could change the song that was sung for round 3, he’s Alien Stage’s most popular contestant after all. He didn’t need to change the song without anyone knowing like Till, he just had to flash a polite smile and he could get what he wanted.
Ivan knew who Till’s song was for, it was titled Unknown after all. He sang that song for Mizi. After years of observing Till, not even the smallest details were lost on Ivan, including the look Till gave Mizi after he had won.
After seeing Till perform that song for Mizi, Ivan had a thought that only appeared for a single moment, it was gone in a blink. His thought? What if he performed the song he wrote for Till? He had graduated a couple years ago, but he hadn’t touched the CD since he hid it in his cubby, so it was most likely somewhere at ANAKT. The lyrics were just as fresh in his mind now as they were when he wrote them, meaning he could perform the song without any rehearsing. It would be a chance for Ivan to finally give Till the song he wrote for him, perform it for him, make him know that he was the one that Ivan was singing the song for, but he knew that he didn’t deserve that chance, he chickened out giving Till the song all those years ago, so why should he have a second chance?
With that thought in mind, Ivan banished that flicker of hope before it could spark and turn into a fire.
When it came time to perform Black Sorrow, Ivan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had watched as Till was thrown back into the green pod to be taken backstage, the blood dripping down his face reflecting Ivan’s conflicting emotions.
He was supposed to sing for the audience, that’s how you win over humans and aliens alike. Living beings crave attention like a drug, so singing for the audience will make the audience fall in love with you since you’re singing for them. Ivan had been following the instructions his guardian has given him ever since he was a child, but something about this felt different. He wanted to do something for himself, not for Unsha’s benefit, and this was going to be it. He wasn’t going to sing for the audience, he was going to sing for Till. Ivan couldn’t care less about whether Till hears it or not, but he still wanted to sing for him regardless if he was conscious or not.
This would be the first of two times Ivan acted for himself.
Ivan didn’t care about the fame that he had risen to after Black Sorrow, he didn’t care that he was the most popular human in the universe right now, all he cared about was focusing on the upcoming round 6. It was the most anticipated round in Alien Stage history, it was charming and fan favourite Ivan going up against the rebellious and unpredictable Till. No one knew that Ivan had admired Till for years, that he knew everything there was to know about him, and here he was, forced to go up against him. Once they get on that stage, they both have four minutes to determine the outcome of their lives. Four minutes was all it took to determine whether or not they walked off that stage.
The song started off with a heartbeat, ironic right? It signaled the beginning of the song, the four minutes that changed everything. Before he even walked onto the stage, Ivan knew he was singing this song for Till, that was set in stone. Throughout the entire song, Till never looked at him, but Ivan was used to that; Till never looked at Ivan, it was always Ivan looking at Till. The first three minutes of the song felt like a dream that Ivan was unable to wake up from, it didn’t feel real, and it was only when Ivan’s eye glanced over towards the scores above their heads and saw that the number under his name was higher than Till’s.
It was in that moment that reality set in for Ivan, that he had one more minute with Till.
One minute. Sixty seconds.
It feels like a small amount of time to most people, but it’s a small amount of time that people take for granted every single day. Ivan couldn’t count how many minutes he had spent observing and admiring Till over the number of years he had known him for, but something clicked in that moment for him. He had spent hours upon hours admiring Till, hours each with sixty minutes each in them which were all dedicated to his universe. It didn’t take long for Ivan to come to a conclusion.
After dedicating hours of his life admiring Till, he couldn’t bear to go even a minute in a world where he woke up and Till wasn’t there.
And that was when Ivan made his second ever choice for himself.
Ivan didn’t care about the bright lights that were on him, the cold rain that was pouring down on them, the thousands of aliens and humans watching the pair’s every move, he didn’t care about anything. Without a second thought, Ivan shoved his microphone onto the ground and walked over to Till, his steps filled with more determination than the last. As Till’s gaze met Ivan’s, Ivan felt his heart skip a beat as his hand came up to cup Till’s cheek, causing the rebel’s pupils to dilate. Ivan refused to hesitate as he pulled Till’s face towards his, kissing him deeply, he had less than sixty seconds after all to do this, to try and get Till to read his soul. Ivan was so desperate for Till to see his feelings for him that he ended up wanting to die, if only to be under Till’s gaze for just a moment.
Even though Till resisted and pulled back, Ivan pulled him in for another kiss, not letting him go for even a second. After the third kiss, Ivan pulled back and grabbed Till’s neck, pulling him into another kiss and keeping their lips together as he glanced up at the scores. Once he saw the scores lock in, he looked back at Till and placed another kiss onto his lips, a much softer and gentler one than the previous ones almost as if to serve as an apology.
As Ivan continued to hold Till’s neck, he watched as the boy he was obsessed with close his eyes as he heard the first warning shot ring out. The pain in his side barely registered to him as he was only focused on the boy in front of him, even as two more shots came. His eyes began to dilate rapidly as he continued to hold onto Till’s neck, and before he knew it, Ivan coughed up blood that ran down his chin. Once he realized what happened, he knew that his minute was almost up, so he had never done.
Ivan smiled.
Ivan smiled with his snaggletooth on display, scrunching up his nose, doing everything that he was taught not to do. He didn’t know what his genuine smile really looked like, and he realized he would never get the chance as soon as his vision began to blur.
A few moments passed before Ivan’s grip on Till had slipped, his vision fully fading in as he felt himself begin to fall down towards the ground. In those few seconds, a flurry of thoughts flashed through Ivan’s mind. He recalled how love was always described usually, how he never felt love that way, how he felt love as an open wound that festered over years and ended up being the death of him. It hurt so much, and yet he craved it. If Ivan had to do it all over again, he would do it in a heartbeat.
There was no cure to his black sorrow, and he came to terms with that as he fell to the ground with a smile on his face. In the last few seconds his final moments of consciousness, Ivan’s last ever thought came to mind.
Thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions, my god, my universe.
As two workers were cleaning out ANAKT’s warehouse, they stumbled upon an old box of lost and found items that were never picked up. A lot of the items they found weren’t that interesting, just being old pencils, books, and a variety of toys. Once the pair had cleared out what they thought was the whole box, they were getting ready to leave before one of them bumped into the lost and found box, causing a rustle to be heard.
Looking inside, they came across a worn-out white CD sleeve that had collected many years’ worth of dust and wear on it. The paper was slightly torn at the edges and weak, causing the CD outline to be visible. A label on the front had words written in red pen, the colour still being vibrant even at its age. When the other asked what was written on the label, they read it out.
‘IVAN’
Deciding to investigate further, the workers brought the CD to the staff room where the teachers were finishing their lunch break. Putting the CD in the speaker in the room, the teachers began to exit the room as the song started. The song was unlike any of the ones that are in the ANAKT library, meaning a student must’ve made this somehow. While the voice undeniably belonged to one of the most popular idols that ever came from Alien Stage, it sounded nothing like what he was known for. Ivan was one of the most charming idols in the history of Alien Stage, known for his beautiful voice with so much emotion behind it. His performance of Black Sorrow won over both humans and aliens alike, beating his opponent with a score of 90/68.
But the emotion in this song was different, it was more… broken. Painful. More suffering. This feeling was in the entire song from beginning to end, as if it was retelling a stained history of being unable to find anyone in the dark city lights at the bottom of the darkest sea where it festered in a bitter wound for years, topped off with a dye of black debt.
The song’s title?
Nowhere.