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“You’re avoiding me,” he stated as a welcome when they finally met.
Maomao stood there, bowing much longer than she usually did when they were alone – much longer than he preferred her to – as if she was proving his words true by trying to delay the moment their eyes would clash.
Since that night, there hadn’t been a chance for them to meet, or maybe it was fair to say they hadn’t steered the circumstances towards a meeting. Both were too busy with their duties – it was an easy excuse, always available, but at the same time it seemed too easy and thus fake.
He had laid awake at night wondering if it wasn’t just another repeat of the time spent apart after the first time they came back from the West. He didn’t think he could stand to go on so long without some form of replenishment, nor did he think he deserved such kind of punishment. He had done everything with her best interest in mind, following her wishes. Still, in the end, he had caved and summoned her; he knew she wouldn’t have made the first step. Jinshi only hoped it wasn’t because she felt rejected, but that had been another thought that had kept him awake. He also knew he had waited strategically so long to call for her.
Meanwhile, Maomao refrained from looking at him like he was a worm when she finally adjusted her body, hands still hidden in the sleeves of her white garments. “Did I miss any of your calls, perhaps, sir? Surely, you don’t expect a low-born apothecary like me to intrude on your duties without invite.” Collected and perfectly posed, Maomao didn’t want to give him the chance to blame anything on her. In fact, she hoped he read between the lines – she didn’t doubt he would; he had learnt to read her almost as her dad could – and recognised the real meaning of her words.
“You should have thought about it before you started avoiding me, Jinshi-sama.”
He looked at her sternly.
Why did she have to insist on being some low-born? It was exhausting arguing with her about it, but that wasn’t the reason he had asked for her today and Jinshi didn’t want to give her another chance to deflect or ignore the real purpose of their meeting. “You know too well you don’t need a summon,” he smirked, goading her, forgetting for a moment his nervousness and the embarrassment that clung to him as a second skin. He enjoyed her physical answer, watching as she reduced her eyes to two slits and fought to maintain a neutral expression.
“Jinshi-sama must be joking. What would people think if they saw me reaching your offices without official motives? It could lead to more unwanted guests. They would see it as permission to visit you more often. Unless you suddenly welcome them. In that case, should I presume you finally decided to start your own garden?” It was a low blow – she knew it –, but she couldn’t stop herself. “I should offer you my congratulations.”
Jinshi gritted his teeth in response and almost jumped at her, shouting. He wanted to take her by the shoulders and shake her. Then, he remembered his supposed cool facade and managed to find the strength he needed to keep his body glued to the chair. “People would think nothing of it if I simply found myself requiring medical assistance,” he scowled. “But if you’re asking me to summon you more often, you just have to be clear about it.”
“I won’t do it,” she bit back immediately after. Not even a second had passed.
“So I was right. You are avoiding me.” Jinshi knew it wasn’t correct. He knew he had been the one to keep her at arm’s length after that failed attempt, but both his sanity and Maomao’s security were at stake here. He had realized that as much as he longed for her, everything she had given him so far wasn’t enough anymore. Thus, if he wanted to maintain said sanity and keep her safe, he couldn’t afford to take even a little bit if he didn’t wish for the beast to escape the cage.
Maomao didn’t seem to care if he kept his distance, though, and he couldn’t lie to himself and say it didn’t hurt. Did he read her wrong those last months? Was it all a lie or was he reading her wrong now? He didn’t want to focus too much on his hurt feelings because he feared he might overact.
Maybe she was just peeved about how he had sent her away, but surely, she understood his motives. He had been more than clear; he cared about her safety and didn’t want to put an even bigger target on her back.
Then, why was her brow twitching now and had she gotten nearer?
“I didn’t avoid you, Jinshi-sama,” she repeated, narrowing her eyes subtly.
“You want me to summon you more often, then,” he repeated as well.
They were going in circle and Jinshi feared she would leave soon, claiming there was no reason for her to stay and waste his time if he didn’t give her a reason. He preferred to provoke her; she wouldn’t go back to the medical offices this way. Besides, he wanted Maomao to speak her mind. He suspected she had a lot to say to him after their last encounter; she had left with no words, after all.
The twitching only increased.
Good, then.
“Did Jinshi-sama want something else from me today?” Better not to give him another chance to repeat the same things.
He scowled like she had just stolen his favourite toy, then pouted. She supposed she had to be grateful he wouldn’t start crying as Suiren had once told her he used to do as a kid. “Yes,” he finally said, “I want to know your thoughts.”
Maomao had to fight a sigh. “Women have a lot of thoughts, sir.”
“I know, but please tell me your thoughts,” he stressed, his gaze now stern – but still mollified by the pout on his lips.
“Very well, then,” Maomao complied, knowing that if she let him, he would go on without actually specifying what he meant. “I think one of your employees isn’t becoming of you and should better go back to where he came from. Being summoned and having to meet him doesn’t help my disposition. Jinshi-sama must know already how my work life has gotten more difficult since I have been transferred to the offices near the military grounds. Besides, I think a certain colleague of mine is particularly annoying, despite being quite good at what he does. His skills don’t excuse his manners, though. I think your subject’s skills aren’t worth suffering his presence either, thus I must repeat myself and suggest you send him back home. I really think hiring him hasn’t been a wise choice.”
“Ok, ok,” Jinshi stopped her raising a hand. “You proved your point. Women have a lot of thoughts.”
“Were they enough for you, sir?” she mocked him. “I have more.”
“What do you want?” he asked instead, fed up.
“Women have a lot of-”
“No, what do you want?” Jinshi tried not to lose his facade, but she was grating on his nerves. He knew she was doing it on purpose.
“I want a greenhouse,” she immediately answered, as if he didn’t know already. “Being able to avoid the freak every time I go to work is also a priority. And-”
This time, Jinshi couldn’t stop and his hands slammed on the wooden surface in front of him. “What do you want?” he hissed a third time, trying not to attract Basen’s attention. That was the last thing he needed right now. “I’m giving you space, I’m holding myself back. Why are you so intent on making things more difficult for me?”
He watched as she straightened her back and blinked, her expression blank for a moment before she scowled. Finally, she murmured, “I never asked you to hold back.” Not since long ago.
Jinshi froze, his mind unable to comprehend what he just heard for a second. “You asked me not to make you Empress Gyokuyou’s enemy. Isn’t the same thing?”
How could she not see how much he was struggling? How much he was trying? Keeping, at the same time, her well-being as his foremost concern. How could he convey with words how selfish he had felt when he had realized what he had really asked of her with that night call?
While he had a hard time accepting they could go on with the misunderstanding and the few words that were never enough, his face a mask of suffering, Maomao’s next words broke the heavy atmosphere of the room.
“I thought we could do it without going all the way.”
“W-w-without...” Jinshi spluttered, his body suddenly too hot, his face flushed. There was no way he misunderstood what she meant. She was mostly always too direct for her own good – and he suspected she drew some enjoyment from doing it with him. She said it with such a straight face, her expression telling him how disappointed she was he hadn’t thought of such a possibility. “H-how..” He cleared his throat when she raised a brow, looking at him with disgust. “I mean, I know. Well, sort of. What I wanted to say is,” he gulped, coughed, took a sip of the cold tea next to him then wiped his lips with a clean handkerchief. “Would it be fine of me to summon you again?” he finally asked most seriously, barely able to meet her eyes again. There was no need to specify what kind of summon he meant.
At least, she had lost the trace of disgust as soon as Jinshi had collected himself.
Maomao only bowed her head slightly. “I’ll be waiting, then.”