Chapter Text
we can't be friends, wait for your love
First time it feels like a funny accident. Nothing leads to it, there’s no tension, lingering stares or occasional touches. It just happens.
Mark finds himself at somebody’s home party – he’s a responsible adult, he’s eighty percent sober and remembers how he got there. For the rest of twenty percent, he can’t see who tugs his sleeve and just follows, allowing himself to be seated in the circle.
“We need just one more person,” the voice above his ear is not getting familiar – Mark gives up, he simply doesn’t care who brought him here and why. There are no human sacrifices at small student parties (he hopes), and the rest for today’s evening would be bearable.
Jaemin sits in the armchair across, and Mark has to raise his head to look into his face. He smiles – winks and doesn’t really attempt to move again, just nods lazily when someone asks him if he’s playing.
“I’m not getting up,” explains Jaemin, the circle moves closer to him. Mark shrugs his shoulders and moves too, then someone puts an empty beer bottle in the middle. Mark is sure he was drinking something else this evening, but he doesn’t care enough to even think about it.
No one explains game rules – Mark thinks that this is just a set-up for a couple of people there, who are lacking a reason to touch each other. There’s an urge to roll his eyes and tell them to grow up or something like that, sarcastic and smug, because Mark has already figured out for sure that he knows nothing at all and mysterious adulthood just brings more and more questions, not clarity and confidence.
When everything’s getting suspiciously boring – Mark doesn’t really like looking at unfamiliar people kissing and familiar actually too, – it’s Jaemin’s turn. He spins the bottle with his sock. Somebody is indignant, but they immediately shut up – it is a very good attempt, and they don't want to delay the game for the sake of an argument.
“Mark, it’s you,” someone elbows him in the side – the pause lasts a little bit longer than expected, Mark’s slightly zoning out. It could have been euphoria or a light feeling of shock, but Mark thinks that it’s so strange when you’re wearing white socks at someone’s party. Maybe it’s Jaemin’s place.
“Loss of speech is not about the loss of kissing skill,” points out Jaemin. He is not moving, his ‘I’m not getting up’ now sounds like a threat – Mark belatedly thinks he should have clarified whether this applies to the whole game or just not moving the circle closer to him. “I'm not getting up.”
Jaemin repeats it and crosses his legs. Mark has no energy to protest because this is actually funny. Last time such a situation was even slightly exciting, he was in middle school. Why are they doing it now?
He gets up to reach Jaemin on the other side of the circle. He places his hands on the arms of the chair and now Jaemin has to raise his head to look at Mark.
“Long time no see,” says Mark. It’s a strange position for greeting.
“We should get together sometime. Just the two of us, chitchat a little bit,” Jaemin isn't the least bit embarrassed by that. There’s not even a sign of haste.
“Time!” someone claps their hands. Mark flinches, but he doesn’t move further than that. “You two are out, you’re thinking for too long.”
Turns out it was an elimination game.
There’s no one in the kitchen. When Mark thinks of it now, calling it a part was too generous. But there’s no sense in complaining. Jaemin plumps into the armchair – now a kitchen one, much less comfortable, but he’s not complaining either, and Mark sits across from him again, throwing his legs over a nearby chair.
“So no one takes the place,” explains Mark, as if it has any sense or someone asked him at all, and Jaemin nods with an understanding look on his face as if he was waiting to heat it. “So, you wanted to get together?”
“We haven’t seen each other in a while,” a light nod, and Mark hums – they’re not the closest friends ever, it’s just politeness and nothing more. “And you kind of owe me.”
Mark frowns – he remembers if he owes anyone. Jaemin understands this frown immediately, yet he reacts the way only he can – smiles with the look of a person who has just closed the cage door behind Mark. He makes a dramatic pause before he continues.
“Remember the kiss? We got eliminated because of you,” Jaemin nods more confidently now – like if he needs his own confirmation. Mark understands him, that slight flicker of unreality of what's happening hits him in the temples, and tomorrow morning will make him believe the conversation never happened. “You definitely owe me. You'll pay me back when we meet.”
“You didn’t even want to play,” Mark protests quite fairly – he thinks he’s right and Jaemin is not trying to deny it.
“Yes, but I never mind kissing,” he props his head up with his hand, watching Mark's reaction, squinting like a satisfied cat. Mark isn't ready to give up so easily.
“There’s no need to meet up another time,” he stands up to place his hands on the arms of the chair again, looming above Jaemin. There’s nothing strange the first time he does it, there’s a little bit less of nothing strange the second.
“You don’t want to see me alone that much?” Jaemin is indignant, almost covering his lips with his palm in feigned shock, but pulls himself back in time – they both realise what's going to happen next, and a hand on his lips would be an annoying obstacle.
“I want to, but I never mind kissing, you know?” Mark says with a little laugh, giggle even – they’re like drunk schoolboys at their first ever party. “Wanna join?”
“With pleasure, don’t see any issues with offering friendly help,” Jaemin says this with all seriousness and tugs Mark a little closer. The balance is ruined – hands on the arm of the chair are not saving from the crush. Jaemin has soft lips, and Mark didn’t kiss guys for so long.
He is not regretting anything during the kiss and the morning after. Jaemin sends his schedule for the next week as a message.
Second time it happens in the bar. It’s just a little friendly evening with a couple (or more) of common friends – no alone getting togethers are happening, their schedules don’t match, just like characters of Jaemin and the guy who’s trying to get his number.
“I lost my phone,” Jaemin doesn't even try to look serious, he twirls the glass in his hands, rolling the glazed cherry across the bottom. He has a bored look – and it suits him so well; Mark thinks that anything actually suits Jaemin well. “I’m not planning to buy a new one.”
And the guy is not giving up – Mark understands him. Jaemin catches Mark’s stare and smiles, it’s almost a smirk, but with no ill intention. He finally has a better thing to do. Mark continues to watch as Jaemin picks up the cherry by the stem and sends it into his mouth. He doesn't look away for a second as Jaemin knots the stem in his mouth and shows him across the table. They haven't even said hello today.
“Do you see him?” Jamin nods towards Mark, winking. “We kissed last weekend, he promised to call, but I lost my phone before I got a call from him. And now I kinda owe him in a way. I have to bring him home with me. So it's not going to happen. All the rumours about two or more guys in one evening are just someone's sick fantasy. It's much simpler and more prosaic – my priorities are monogamous uncertainty.”
Mark hears it and tries to look away – this is incredibly funny. Jaemin still says it all with the most serious face possible. Mark only has to turn round when Jaemin calls him by his name – the guy wants confirmation, and Mark finds it to be a type of desperation somehow deserving both sympathy and disgust.
“This evening he’s really booked and busy. We agreed to spend time together,” – Mark confirms. He’d do this even if he didn’t think that’s exactly what would happen. “And for many others too. I think you got a little bit confused there.”
It turns out to be just enough. Jaemin squints with prejudice – he’s used to being in control of the narrative himself, but the guy leaves. They both sigh in relief, and Jaemin moves closer. Mark doesn't have to try his hardest to hear something or read his lips now.
“I didn’t lose my phone, but I lost a message from you,” Jaemin clutches Mark's glass and looks suspiciously at the contents – it doesn’t really impress him. Mark is not impressed either, he takes his glass back and touches his fingers to Jaemin's knuckle. Just for a second, yet with full confidence – he passes all his judgement. When did he ever agree to share?
“Because I didn’t text you. Our schedules don’t align,” Mark shrugs his shoulders and makes a really big sip just to show Jaemin that yes, his drink choice actually rocks. His throat burns a little but not enough to feel any real discomfort. Jaemin looks at him testily, waiting for a hint of annoyance at anything more than just an accidental touch. He needs something he could latch onto. “You could have just said that you’re not interested. This guy would have gotten it faster.”
“He wouldn’t have gotten it at all,” Jaemin rolls his eyes, and Mark knows that he’s right. Mark himself right now latches onto Jaemin not looking bored anymore, he’s perked up and moves even closer to him. They’d have to explain this to the people around if only anyone cared about how close they are to each other. “I tried to be polite. I am still trying. Do you wanna go to my place?”
“That’s actually rude,” Mark laughs but reaches for his jacket – it's right next to him, he can reach it without even getting up. They need to continue this conversation in a quieter place, and it has to be more private than someone else’s kitchen. Mark gets dizzy at the thought of Jamin being a great kisser. “Would you show me how to do this cherry thing?”
“Only with my tongue inside your mouth,” Jaemin winks again, and he’s so obviously proud of his joke. Mark freezes for a second – he has no intention of giving in to Jemin on this one.
“Mouth only? I’d have options,“ Mark smirks and gets exactly what he wants – Jaemin freezes in silence for longer than just a couple of seconds. He doesn’t smirk back, but he doesn't look disappointed either.
Once outside, they continue not to speak for a while. Jaemin is thinking about something of his own, and Mark is only thinking about the emptiness in his head. It’s a nice evening – the weather is not too cold to hurry back home yet, but it’s already cold enough to make the idea of the sweater cozy.
Jaemin really lives nearby, they’re getting to his place in ten minutes. Still in silence, and it makes Mark worried. Maybe his joke wasn’t as good as he thought at first. It’s like Jaemin feels it – he pulls Mark closer once they’re in an elevator (surprisingly bright and clean) and kisses him, gently sliding his tongue in Mark’s mouth. Mark can’t hold back a smile when he realises how exactly Jaemin’s tongue moves – it’s not like the last time, but if he has to guess, Mark would bet that it’s almost what the glazed cherry in a bar had to encounter.
“Now, when you know how to do it,” Jaemin pulls away, when the elevator doors are opening. He takes the keys out of his pocket and opens the door with surprising ease – Mark would have been jealous of it if only he had any chance to think about anything except Jaemin being so close and kissable right now. “Do you mind repeating it with the options you have?”
And Mark can’t hold back his laugh.
When the third and fourth times are happening, Mark understands that it’s time to stop counting. Otherwise, he’d be really sad about messing up the count one day. Seeing Jaemin is no longer something rare, it’s becoming a sense of permanence. Jaemin is starting to become an intermittent constant, and Mark feels that it’s an anomaly, but he wants more of it.
They’re at ease together, comfortable. Mark likes sharing little (and not so much) things because Jaemin understands him, listens and himself seemingly shares everything that he never did before.
“Do you want to hang out this weekend?” Jaemin moves the coffee cup from one side of the table to another and then right back, as if his movements have any sense, and Mark genuinely tries to get it, but he gets only the fact that Jaemin has incredibly beautiful fingers. Mark likes feeling them in his hair when they kiss.
“Oh that’s what you call it?” he chuckles and leans back in his chair. Maybe he thinks about Jaemin a little bit too much for the last two weeks (or even longer), and it bothers him more than he’s ready to admit.
“What do you want to call it?” Jaemin picks it up immediately without stopping to move his coffee cup, and perhaps it annoys the couple at the next table. Mark notes it automatically with the immediate rise of resentment towards the couple – they just don’t get how great it is to have a chance to look at Jaemin this way.
“We need to figure out who we are to each other. Then I can narrow down the available options,” Mark smiles before biting his lip. His head is slightly dizzy because of the coffee smell and also because Jaemin’s answer will, perhaps, affect how shitty he’s going to feel the next month.
“I saw us as good acquaintances having a good time,” Jaemin tilts his head to his shoulder, smiling, watching Mark intently, and Mark still keeps his eyes on the cup.
They are not even friends.
For the next month, Mark feels nauseous. It becomes normal when he looks at Jaemin, touches him, awkwardly tries to make jokes. Jaemin tags along every time, but he also looks worried.
“You’re so out of shape. Is someone occupying your thoughts so much that you can’t even think of something new? I thought your options joke was just the smallest part of your potential,” Jaemin sighs in theatrical hurt after one more Mark’s response to his film comment. They’re watching some horror and Jaemin is lying on his shoulder. Mark feels awfully cozy and annoyed at the same time – you don’t do such things with acquaintances. How much of Jaemin's understanding of personal space is damaged? How many acquaintances does he have?
“My potential is much wider indeed,” Mark agrees, without stopping to run his fingers through Jaemin’s hair. It’s soft even after recently dying, and it also smells like Mark’s shampoo. It makes Mark nauseous, but he also likes it. Jaemin calls himself an acquaintance, but it feels like he does everything to be much closer.
“Who is it then?” asks Jaemin. There’s someone bleeding on the screen – Mark is sure he sees this person for the first time, but it’s the end of the movie and this is perhaps one of the main characters. Maybe that’s exactly how Jaemin sees Mark.
“Who?” Mark asks too, after a short silence, because he’s really lost. He wants lazy kisses and long conversations, but the word ‘acquaintances’ is stuck in his head. Mark would rather be in the friends with benefits romcom. It’s not the best option possible, but already something.
“Who’s occupying your thoughts? Who stole all of your funny jokes?” Jaemin rolls over to look into Mark's eyes, and there is something in his eyes that makes Mark want to hope. Mark isn't used to torturing himself with hopelessness.
“You. You and your words are preventing me from making good jokes,” he says confidently. Mark sounds jokingly but not enough to doubt that he really means it. Jaemin rolls his eyes and slightly punches Mark’s shoulder before he sits.
It’s strange because Mark can’t understand at this moment why it bothers him so much, but he sits up too. The last fifteen minutes of the movie are running on the screen, someone’s screams somehow sound quieter right now, even though none of them turn the sound down.
“Tell me, I want to know how I was able to influence you like that. If that’s my superpower, I have to be aware,” Jaemin smiles. He’s soft, so cosy and everything in him makes Mark not want to deal with everything and just get back to the movies, kisses and evenings together. To sex after all, which means for Mark more than he’d admit out loud right now.
“You said we are good acquaintances having a good time,” Marks says and notices that it sounds even more absurd than he remembers. No one will ever believe this. He himself is not doing very well with believing it.
“Which part are you worried about?” Jaemin tilts his head as if they’re back at the coffee shop, and he squints this time, trying to find an answer in Mark’s face before he says anything.
“You don’t even think we’re friends,” Mark rolls his eyes and awkwardly shrugs his shoulders. He belatedly thinks he'll regret all of this and that there will probably be no films afterward and nothing at all. Mark wants to figure out what Jaemin thinks when they’re together. “And I’m kinda not ready to sleep with my acquaintance. Even a good one”.
“Do you want to be friends with benefits? I can do this,” Jaemin laughs, but nervously, he’s trying to deal with it jokingly. They have one last chance to save this situation, and Jaemin is trying his best to hint that Mark has not to miss it. “Friendship bracelets? We can order them right now and kiss the whole evening after. Celebration of a sort.”
“I don’t want to be friends with you,” Mark is annoyed at that point. He doesn’t actually like the romcom option. The nausea is receding, but annoyance only grows. He doesn’t like this situation at all. “I want to date you, don’t you get it? I like you. I like everything that’s going on. I can’t just be an acquaintance or a friend with benefits. I want to be the only person with whom you are like… That.”
“You’re the only one,” Jaemin says after staying silent for a while. “I am not sleeping with anyone else.”
It sounds awkward and tense. Mark feels alleviation for a second – he’s the only one, almost officially special, they need just a little bit more. But Jaemin stays silent, running his fingers through the plaid and thinking about something. Mark has nothing to think about, he understands it brightly and clearly – he wants to be with Jaemin. Other options are not for him.
“I am not ready for relationships. I don’t want to be in a relationship,” Jaemin raises his eyes. He really looks vulnerable. Mark feels for him right now, but he feels for himself even more. He’s also maybe a little bit mad at himself too. He imagined it all to be something special, and now he gets a reminder about how wrong he actually was.
“I get it,” Mark nods. He’s frustrated, but he can’t actually be angry about any of this. Jaemin didn’t promise him anything. “I get it.”
Mark says it twice to convince them both, because he actually doesn’t understand. They spend time together, they’re close, and they do almost everything people do when they’re dating, but Jaemin isn’t ready for this. And Mark is confused. How can’t you be ready for something you’re already doing?
The rest of the evening feels strange. Mark keeps the exact distance he’d keep with a good acquaintance. They’re watching another movie, and Mark is trying to think about it and not about how much he wants to throw a stupid scene and kiss Jaemin. He just confessed his feelings and got rejected. This is so strange for Mark because it’s not a ‘I don’t like you’ rejection, it’s a ‘you’re the only one but I don’t do it’ rejection.
“Am I not suitable to be your boyfriend?” Mark can’t hold back eventually. It doesn’t sound accusatory (he hopes), but Jaemin still sighs. Mark sees how he bites his lip and doesn’t blink for a couple of seconds before answering.
“You’re amazing,” Jaemin shrugs his shoulders. Mark doesn't like the beginning of this answer so much that his stomach starts to whimper. He feels sorry that he even asked, “You will be a great boyfriend for someone else. But I don’t want to be in relationships. At all. Not with you, not with someone else. And I didn’t want to hurt you, but we… We were getting along so well? I like spending time with you if we’re talking about sex or not. We kinda really became good friends. I think? It sucked that I called you an acquaintance. I don’t know why I said this. Maybe I had a thought about you actually wanting more. But I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Mark sighs, running his hand through his hair. He shouldn’t have been in this situation, at least because he has no idea how to deal with it and not make it worse. “That’s your right, and we didn’t actually agree on anything else. It's great that we’ve figured this out pretty… Pretty early?”
Mark calls it ‘pretty early’ because he still doesn’t feel like he’s in love, or he convinces himself in it enough to write off the nausea as stress. Jaemin is not guilty because he doesn’t want it. Mark is not guilty that he feels this anyway.
“I think we will need some time away from each other,” Mark gets up from the couch and absent-mindedly grabs a half-empty bowl of popcorn. He can just leave it be, turn on another movie, but he needs a reason to move. He wants to run away, and he’s genuinely sorry that right now he’s at his own place.
It’s brighter in the kitchen, but it’s not getting clearer or calmer there. Mark looks at his phone screen in an attempt to think of a reason to be alone right now. He needs to understand how to figure it all out, and Jaemin, who’s still so soft, nice, cosy, warm and gentle, is not helping at all. Mark has never been prone to picking on himself, but the idea of asking Jaemin to leave seems lousy.
“I feel like an asshole,” Mark says as soon as he comes back to the room. He brings a popcorn bowl back with him – it feels like a nice reason to run away to the kitchen in a couple of minutes again, however stupid it would look.
“You don’t act like one,” notes Jaemin. He puts his phone away, Mark notices an open chat there and for a second maybe he thinks about how many times he was mentioned in those sent texts. Maybe Mark would have wanted all the conversations to be about him right now.
“I would be glad to ask you to leave if only I thought of it as something at least slightly decent,” says Mark. He throws his head back on the back of the couch and stares at the ceiling, as if that should distract him in any way. “It looks like I don’t want to see you after you rejected me. And I do want to see you. That’s also the problem, because I want to see you, touch you, kiss you, do all the things we’ve been doing this whole time. But I just can’t get rid of the thought that it won’t be the same for me as it is for you. I can’t just stop wanting it and immediately accept that there’s nothing serious between us. I need time.”
“I get it,” Jaemin sits the same way. His hand almost touches Mark’s. Jaemin’s warmth for the first time upsets more than delights. “It’s okay that you need time. I understand that it doesn’t mean that you’re… That you’re giving up on me. Aren’t you?”
Jaemin turns his head, and for a second Mark thinks he hears worry in his voice. It’s funny because Mark feels better because of this thought – Jaemin cares, even if it’s not the way Mark wants it to be. The nausea still won't go away.
“I don’t want to give up on you. I won’t do this,” Mark says, frowning. He hastily weighs up the pros and cons, realising that Jaemin really is a great friend. If they’re not taking breaks for kisses, they would have a great time together. Perhaps. Mark has no idea what it’s supposed to look like. Not in the sense that it's hard to do anything but kiss Jaemin, but in the sense that it's impossible not to want to kiss him when they're doing anything. “But now I need space. I can’t be alone with you and think about what’s going on. And I know I will. I understand it too well.”
“I know,” Jaemin touches Mark’s hand, intertwining their fingers. It feels like torture, but Mark accepts it. He likes to think that he can feel Jaemin closer than just a friend one last time. “Until you want it again, no private hangouts, talks, touches and evenings like that. We will figure out how to be proper friends again, right?”
Mark agrees, nodding. And still, he can't hold back from kissing Jaemin once again.