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Roy had a hard time sitting still. He had before and it had only gotten worse when he became a Speedster. Lightning itched beneath his skin, begging him to run. Barry, the only other Speedster Roy really knew, didn’t seem to have the same issue, but he was a lot more patient with Roy about it than most others.
Even during Justice League meetings where Roy was… encouraged to sit still, Barry would hold Roy for 10 minute intervals before letting him go to run around the Watchtower before returning right to Barry’s lap like nothing had happened. Barry seemed to find it cute, Roy thought it was embarrassing that he couldn’t sit still. The rest of the League seemed to accept it when Barry said it was “a young Speedster thing” but they both knew Barry was just covering for him.
Roy was sitting at the dinner table with the whole family, (everyone’s free time had lined up for once,) when he felt the itch in his legs. Wally was counting up points from their last card game and Roy really didn’t want to leave then and there. He was enjoying his time with everyone. Wally wasn’t being an annoying shit and Hal kept smiling at Roy. It was a good day, a great day even, and yet…
“You okay, bug?” Barry asked, gently grabbing Roy’s hand. He hadn’t even noticed he was digging his fingernails into his leg. Roy blushed and nodded quickly.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine!” Roy tried to reassure. Barry gave him that look that wasn’t disappointment, Barry never seemed disappointed even when he really should be , but it was urging Roy to be truthful.
Roy felt awful. He was lying to Barry, to Barry, and drawing even more attention to himself than if he had just ran around the house once or twice before sitting back down. He could feel himself start to panic.
One of these days Barry or Hal or both of them would realize that Roy was just too much trouble. He wasn’t constantly causing problems and he wasn’t even that great of a sidekick. Wonder Boy was clearly the best of them as their leader, Starling was basically his right hand woman, Selkie was still learning how to use his powers but even then he was still strong, Wally was young for a Green Lantern…
Roy, Speedy, was just… A less fast, inexperienced Flash.
“Roy?” Hal called out from beyond Roy’s spiraling thoughts, but it only made the guilt in his chest feel even more overwhelming. He didn’t know how to get out of this. It was too late to deal with the itch and at the same time it was also too late to just explain why he was so antsy. Roy felt a hand on his cheek and that was the breaking point.
Roy ran into his room and hid inside the closet. He pulled his legs to his chest and put his head down. He couldn’t deal with this. He knew that Barry was good and kind and there was no indication that Barry would leave or kick Roy out, but Roy couldn’t help the fear that gnawed at the edges of his mind.
It wasn’t like Roy had never been extended kindness before. It was the opposite, really. Roy had been taken in after his father’s death, a father he didn’t even remember, and everyone on the reservation Roy had meet was at least indifferent to him if not kind. Sure, some people had hurt Roy, but that was every kid’s experience.
Most kids didn’t go through three parents before 14 though. Hell, his mom and dad had both died before he was three.
Part of Roy was terrified of Barry dying, but an equally large part was scared that Roy would be thrown out. What reason was there to keep Roy? He wasn’t good enough at any one thing to justify his role as a sidekick.
He hadn’t been good enough for the reservation, why the hell would he be good enough for literal heroes?
“Roy?” Wally’s voice suddenly cut through the noise. Roy looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. Roy sniffed and quickly wiped his eyes. “Are you okay? Hal said it might be good to leave you alone for a bit but dad is really worried and I agree.” Wally shook his head to reset his rambling. “But I mean it. Are you okay? You ran out of there so quickly and none of us know what set you off.”
“It’s nothing. It was stupid,” Roy mumbled before wiping his eyes more. They refused to dry and it was frustrating him even more. “Sorry, Walls. I totally ruined your game night, huh?”
“What? No.” Wally’s face scrunched up in his confusion before he wiggled his way next to Roy. “I mean, yeah, playing games with everyone is fun, but if you’re not happy that matters more. ”
“I was happy. I was . I promise.” Roy shook his head rapidly. “I was just… getting itchy and I wanted to run but I didn’t want to make it seem like I wasn’t having fun but then it got worse and it was too late to go back on the choice I made-”
“Woah. And you say I ramble,” Wally rolled his eyes before taking Roy’s hand into his own. “You know none of us care if you have to do something to feel more comfortable. Dad isn’t lying to you when he says that.”
“I… It’s just so overwhelming. The noise and the buzzing and… I just want to actually be like Barry. I’m just some fucked up kid right now.”
“Well, you’re not dad, but that’s fine. You’re cool in your own ways.” Wally leaned in and kissed Roy’s cheek before pulling back. “I don’t know about you, but I like having other kids like me doing this whole sidekick thing. None of us are truly alone, if that makes sense.” Roy’s eyes widened, reaching up to touch his cheek. He shut his eyes and pressed his face into Wally’s neck.
“Other kid heroes are cool,” Roy mumbled after a moment. “Wonder Boy’s really cool.”
“Yeah, he is. I mean, he’s the reason we all actually know each other so of course he’s cool.” Wally laughed and tapped the closet door. “Ready to come out now? We still have another game set up and ready to play.”
“Give me a sec! My eyes are definitely still all red and swollen.” Roy pouted and rubbed at his eyes, trying to get the remaining tears away.
“Don’t rub at them! That’s just gonna make it worse!” Wally pulled Roy’s hands away from his face. “Dad and papa aren’t gonna care if your eyes are a little red, anyways. I’m pretty sure the only reason dad hasn’t tried to check up on you himself is because I said I would go and get you.”
“Okay, okay. Fine.” Roy followed Wally outside of the closet and sighed as he looked at the door. “Are you sure it’s fine I ran off?” Roy knew the answer, but the anxiety ate at him anyway. Wally shook his head and grabbed Roy’s hand.
“It’s fine, I promise. Now come on.” Wally pulled Roy out of the bedroom and back into the dining room. When Barry saw Roy he smiled and opened his arms. Roy let go of Wally’s hand and sped forward, hugging Barry tight.
“I’m sorry…” Roy tried to apologize but was quickly shushed.
“You’re fine, kid.” Hal leaned over and ruffled Roy’s hair while Wally sat next to him.
“Just talk to us next time. Okay, bug? We only want the best for you.” Barry added before kissing Roy’s hair. Roy barely held back tears as he nodded.
He really loved his family.