Chapter Text
Pezzy hadn’t felt like this since high school.
So utterly ashamed of himself. Every inch of skin and old scars felt like it was on fire.
He had received a homophobic comment on a video, probably talking about some dumb joke him and his friends made.
It was stupid, and he felt immature for getting so upset about a comment. They didn’t know, no one he hadn’t directly told knew.
The back of Pezzy’s mind continued nagging him. What if he started again? It would be so easy, right?
He tried to get rid of the thoughts, to shoot them down as they popped up, but he knew they wouldn’t stop. They continued to plague his head, like raindrops hitting a window, constant and pounding.
He could use the kitchen scissors, or a razor from the bathroom.
Pezzy felt like he was going to throw up. This shouldn’t be hitting him so hard. It was just a comment. That thought made him feel worse, feel young again, like he was back at square one all over again.
Tears stung his eyes, and he harshly gripped his wrist, desperately willing everything to just stop. Pezzy breathed, but it was becoming harder and harder to keep a steady rhythm.
Grip tightening to where his fingers began to tingle, Pezzy started to shake.
He shut off the PC, the reflection in the blank screen distorted.
Numbly, Pezzy stood from his chair only to collapse onto his bed. It offered little comfort, but hiding his face in a pillow made everything feel a little less daunting.
Everything else fell away. He got caught up in his own mind. What’s stopping him? No one would notice anyway, especially if he was careful.
Pezzy’s ribs ached, and his breathing was ragged. Why not? Why couldn’t he stop himself? Why was he so weak?
The need for relief overwhelmed him. Pezzy was very close to standing up and searching for something to use.
There was a knock at his door. He tried to say something, he wasn’t quite sure what, but it came out wobbly and sad.
Pezzy heard the door open, softly creaking as whoever it was gingerly entered.
Any energy he might have had was gone. Limbs feeling uncooperative, Pezzy shifted his head, tears streaking across his damp pillow, to look at Droid.
He couldn’t make out his expression, not quite having the heart to look the other in the eyes anyway.
“You… alright?” Droid cringed at his own words. Pezzy was laying face-down sobbing for no clear reason, obviously he wasn’t fucking alright! He swallowed thickly.
Pezzy took a breath, it was shaky and tears still fell but it was a deeply needed gasp of air. His mind swam. He felt the bed dip down on his right.
Time felt like jello. Neither moved.
Pezzy trying to compose himself. He’d never acted like this in front of anyone. So desperate.
Droid trying to find something to say, something worth the emotions his best friend was surely feeling.
Pushing down the bile in his mouth, Pezzy mumbled, “It hurts…”. Anything he thought felt like it was going to consume him.
“Yeah?” What could have sounded condescending was sickeningly sweet, and filled with pure concern for the other.
Pezzy felt another wave of sadness hit him. He wasn’t quite sure why, but the tears came back. He choked back a sob.
“I…” The words left him as soon as they had come. Pezzy layed struggling to say anything, frustration and panic settling in his chest.
He couldn’t help how his dull nails grazed his skin, not drawing blood, but probably leaving shallow marks.
Droid tentatively reached a hand towards Pezzy, finally resting his hand on the others shoulder.
Pezzy brought up his hands to cover his face. Fuck, he shouldn’t be crying in front of someone. Everything was bubbling over in his mind, nothing was how it was supposed to be in this moment.
“They hate me. And they’re fucking right.” He drew a ragged breath.
“Can you sit up, please?” Droid’s voice was quiet. Pezzy slowly sat up, criss-crossed and still covering his face. “Take a deep breath with me,” Droid instructed, before taking an audible breath, pausing, then exhaling. Pezzy tried to follow, his breathing hiccuping - it felt like he was trying to inhale water - but eventually he could take a full breath.
With the sleeves of his hoodie, Pezzy wiped his tears, leaving his eyes red and bruised. He built up enough courage to pull away his hands, now wringing them anxiously.
“C’mere,” Droid mumbled, lifting his arms up in a hug position. The other promptly leaned into him, burying his face in Droid’s chest.
Pezzy sniffled, “I-it’s stupid but… someone called me a fag a- and… it made me want to cut again,” there was a pause, “and it made me think of highschool. Fuck!” His voice wavered as he spoke. Pezzy moved to hug Droid back, securing himself to the younger man.
The tears made a return, Droid simply held Pezzy during everything, grounding him. Even if his shirt would now get covered in tears.
Pezzy hated this, not about being next to Droid, but the circumstances. Pezzy just had to make everything messy.
After what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes, he was able to pull away. Leaving dampness in his wake, and sniffling.
“How’re you feeling?” Droid asked quietly after a few moments.
“Like shit,” Pezzy replied, deadpan and tired. “But that’s expected. I’m sorry. I need sleep.”
Droid smiled, almost childishly “Alright then, let’s get you tucked in … D’you want me to stay?”
Pezzy nodded in response, and turned to pull back the covers of his bed.
Once they had gotten settled, with Droid shielding Pezzy from the rest of the room and curling around each other, Pezzy finally took a deep breath and allowed himself to sink fully into the other’s hold.
Maybe it’s not okay, but it would be for tonight.
“Good night,” Droid muttered as Pezzy drifted off.