Chapter Text
Eddie stared at his reflection in the puddle outside the fire station. it had rained all day. The sky was grey and the air was dense and suffocating. Usually Eddie loved this weather, but today it made him feel on par with the color of the dark clouds. Now, as everybody was heading home after a long shift, it was only a trickle of raindrops barely making a sound.
“Eds. You alright man?” Said a voice with a skip to it that could only ever belong to buck.
A heavy hand pressed on his shoulder but still he didn’t look up. He couldn’t. It felt like his head was a hundred pound rock held up by a tiny, fragile stick aching under the weight. The weight of all the feelings he couldn’t bear to face.
“Seriously Eddie. What’s up?” Buck insisted.
Then finally he was able to look up towards the glossy blue eyes studying him under furrowed eyebrows.
Eddie couldn’t tell him what’s up. Eddie couldn’t tell anyone what’s up because he didn’t quite understand what was going on in his head.
It was three days ago when Buck had barged into his home bearing a basket of baked goods, itching for a distraction from his overwhelming and honestly annoying urge to call Tommy. He had no idea that instead of baking cookies he would be helping his best friend look for a new home thousands of miles away from him. “I don’t want to miss out on anymore of my sons big moments” Eddie had told buck. And his heart ached as he had spoken.
Later that day his heart would ache for a completely different reason.
Later that day he closed the door behind buck and watched him from the window as he hopped into his jeep to go home.
He wondered how many more times he’d get to see buck twirl his keys around his fingers before clicking the button that unlocked his car. He wondered how many times he’d get to watch him raise his fingers from the steering wheel towards the house as a silent goodbye, see you later. He wondered when goodbye, see you later would turn into just… goodbye. And in that moment his heart ached again, but he didn’t understand why. He knew he would miss his friends, he knew what he was sacrificing by chasing Christopher all the way to El Paso. But he also knew he had brought it on himself and that he would do anything to get his son back. He could change stations, he could make new friends, he could find a new home. But for some reason it felt like his home was driving away into the night in an awfully noisy jeep.
“Edmundo!” Buck shouted in eddies face. That definitely brought Eddie back to earth.
“Don’t call me that. Asshole. He smacked away the hand buck was still resting on his shoulder.
“Dude. You were so out of it. Are you okay?” The question was sincere and heartwarming as was everything buck ever said.
“Y-yeah, yeah.” Eddie stammered. “Just thinking about stuff.
Buck raised an eyebrow. “What kinda stuff? Because that puddle doesn’t look like it would inspire many deep thoughts” the grin on face didn’t leave him as he walked towards eddies car, and it didn’t leave him as he leaned against the back door on the drivers side, waiting for Eddie to approach him. He had his hand held out motioning for Eddie to give him his gym bag.
“Just stuff, Buck. Let it be.” He tried to say it casually, as if it were nothing. But his tone was rough and eyes were weary as he dropped the gym bag in bucks hand. Buck twisted to open the car door and threw it on the seat before turning back to Eddie. He always did things like that. Things that seemed small and insignificant but came from his heart and his need to feel like he was useful.
“Harsh, man. I just wanna make sure you’re feeling alright. A lot has happened recently. I know things are… hard right now”
Maybe Eddie wasn’t good at playing things off but Buck was. He sounded light and unaffected and if Eddie didn’t know him as well as he did he wouldn’t have caught the brief look in his eyes. Hurt.
“I’m sorry, I’m just confused…” Eddie sighed. “About a lot of things.” Bucks expression softened and half smile returned to his face. Eddies heart skipped a beat at the sight.
“Well maybe I can help make it a little bit less confusing. Let’s get some pizza and talk it out in the loft. You in?” It was rare when Buck suggested they spend time in the loft over Eddies house. For a long time it was just the default option to hang out in the Diaz home. But ever since Tommy had entered the picture Buck was with Eddie less and with Tommy more. That also meant more time in his own loft. Now that Tommy was, thankfully, out of the picture Buck still wasn’t spending as much time at Eddies place. Eddie had wondered why but he tried not to take offense. Buck was dealing with his own stuff, and the breakup hadn’t exactly been easy on him. Or any of his friends who had their pantry’s stuffed with loafs of bread and cookies.
Of course Eddie had agreed. The sensation he got watching Buck leave his house a few days ago still lingered. The overwhelming feeling that he was already missing him even though he was right there in front of him, setting down two plates for the pizza. Eddie was determined to take in every minute with Buck just in case it happened to be the last. What if he finally gave in and called Tommy tonight? They would get back together and then Eddie wouldn’t see him anymore, and this could be the last time its just the two of them. He felt his stomach twist at the thought. Although he wasn’t sure if it was the idea of this being their last moment or the idea of Tommy coming back to Bucks life.
Don’t misunderstand, Eddie likes Tommy. He really does. He just doesn’t like when his body is anywhere near Bucks body. But that’s just because Buck is his best friend and it’s his job to watch out for him. That’s it.
“So I was thinking” Buck said, ridding them of the silence. “maybe we could write down a bucket list. You know? Things we want to do together before you leave for El Paso. And we have to do all of them.” His eyed had widened more and more as he spoke and he looked like a little kid presented with a huge lollipop. Excitement was one of Bucks main emotions. Everything made him excited. And Eddie loved watching him be. Although the idea of a sort of bucket list sounded fun, Eddie was just relieved to know that this meant Buck intended to spend a lot of time with him for the next few weeks. And his heart started beating a little to fast at the thought. So he responded in the most cool and collected way he could
“Yeah, that… that sounds like a great idea.”
Buck had immediately dug a pen and notepad out of a drawer in the kitchen and started scribbling at the top of the paper. It read.
BUCK AND EDDIES BFFL LIST
“What does BFFL mean?” Eddie asked, leaning over the counter as far as possible so he could read what Buck had written.
“It means best friends for life” Buck said. “Because we are. No matter what”. His last words were significantly softer and quieter than the rest. “We should go hiking. We’ve never done that.”
“Hiking? I’m not exactly a hiking kind of guy, Buck.”
“Exactly. The whole point of this is to do things we wouldn’t usually do. You know, help each other out of our comfort zone.” He said as he scribbled on the note pad. “What else?
Together they spent forty-five minutes making a list of exactly eight activities they wanted to do together. They both wanted to add more but were aware that Eddie wouldn’t be around long enough to do them all. So they stuck to their top choices. The list went like this.
BUCK AND EDDIES BFFL LIST
1- go on a hike
2- go on a wine tasting
3-a day at the beach
4-visit an art museum
5-go ice skating
6- make a time capsule
That last one was Bucks idea. He said “that way even if we barely talk five years from now, we still have an excuse to get back together and open it to see what we put in.”
Eddie believed nothing could ever make him and Buck be any less friends than they were right at that moment, but he knew Buck and he knew what he needed to hear. So he placed one hand on the back of Bucks neck, looked him straight in the eye and said “we don’t need an excuse, Buck. We’re always gonna be in each others lives”.
Those were the words that kept swimming in the pool of confusion that was Eddie head that night. Every time he closed his eyes hoping for sleep and a little bit of peace he only pictured Bucks face when he had reassured him they would always be friends. His eyes were blue as they ever were, but sad. His smile didn’t reach the rest of his face like it usually did. His hands were shaking slightly. Eddie could feel the vibration all the way to Bucks neck where his hand had lingered a little longer than usual. And even though it broke Eddies heart to know Buck was unhappy, he couldn’t look away because, well… Buck looked beautiful.
Is it normal to think your best friend who is also a man looks beautiful? Because Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about that moment. He couldn’t stop thinking about Buck. He remembered a moment months ago when Buck came out to him. “I kind of can’t stop thinking about him” was what he said when he told Eddie about Tommy. He remembered how annoyed he had initially felt. But he had thought it was because his two friends were now dating and that kind of left him as a third wheel. I mean, he did regain composure almost instantly and advised Buck call Tommy. And he meant it, too. He wanted his best friend to be happy and Tommy was… complex but still a good guy. Of course, the annoyance only grew when he realized how he held Buck back a lot, not on purpose likely but Buck wasn’t his normal upbeat self around Tommy and that made Eddie a little bit mad. So, when Buck showed up to his house with a pack of beer ready to drink away the breakup, Eddie was a little bit happy. Mostly sad, he hated seeing Buck like that, but also a little bit happy.
It was obvious to everyone else at the station that their relationship wasn’t meant to last. Hen and Chimney were less than estático but supportive and Bobby was pretty quiet about the whole thing to the rest of them.
Ultimately, everyone knew that Buck is meant to be with someone who knows him just as he is. Someone who doesn’t get annoyed by his antics but encourages them. Someone willing to listen to the most random and sometimes unsettling facts. Someone who would always have his back. You know, someone kinda like…Eddie.
And that realization hit Eddie like a ton of bricks.