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Jiheon watches Gyuri from across the table; the plates full of food have just arrived in the hands of a young waitress that Gyuri hadn’t cast more than a polite glance at. Jiheon taps the phone she’s placed on the table, screen lighting up so she can see the time. A couple of notifications pop up on the screen too and she takes it into her hand to make sure it’s nothing that needs to be addressed.
When she lifts her gaze again, Gyuri is holding her phone up — already having snapped another shot of Jiheon without warning, before she has time to ready herself. Just like earlier too, resulting in an image of her that was blurry around the edges as Jiheon smiled behind a raised hand. She looked so happy.
It feels intimate; a soft, gentle feeling settling into Jiheon’s chest, where her heart beats a little faster for just a moment. Gyuri looks pleased with herself, and compliments her skills with no mention of the subject as she scrolls through the images, but her eyes are aglow with affection. Hold a warmth within them, even as her eyes disappear into crescents as her smile goes wider.
“You should upload these later,” Gyuri says.
“I will, unnie,” Jiheon answers, without even asking to see the picture. She trusts Gyuri.
Ducks her head a little again, smile growing larger.
Jiheon knows that Chaeyoung jokes about going on dates with Gyuri, in Instagram captions and stories after they’ve spent time together, and in a way that’s comforting. No one will think twice when they also label one of their outings as a date.
They’ve talked about it, now that Gyuri no longer feels guilt for thinking she made Jiheon into this. Gay, a lesbian, a heavy label left unspoken whenever there were other eyes on them; by her own confessions a creature, something wanton, hungry, childishly clinging onto kindness that was never meant as anything more. They’ve talked about it now, that their dates are real and not just between friends. There had been a time they hadn’t talked about it, where Jiheon’s clinginess had been indulged but never acknowledged for what it was.
Jiheon’s heart is a stubborn thing.
That’s why she’s going to remain as an idol, after seven years of activities; after the survival show, and Stone Music Entertainment and Pledis Entertainment, and Off the Record Entertainment and Pledis Entertainment, and then Pledis under HYBE— and now, the once again uncertain future of those trying to remain together, finding someone willing to take them on, together.
Gyuri has been out of that equation for a while now, but she still listens when they tell her. Asks Jiheon about it. Laughs, a little fondly, when Jiheon fervently explains how she will continue this path, how she still loves being on stage and dancing. She has other options, they both know it. Inside and outside of the industry. Diligent, tenacious Jiheon with her good grades throughout high school, now doing well in university too.
Jiheon’s heart is outside of her control, set on its wants despite all logic.
That’s why she’s still as in love with Gyuri as she was years before she knew how to put it into words. Back when she still jokingly called Gyuri ‘appa’ and felt confused and flustered from how another girl was both so handsome and beautiful, and so close, allowing her to cling even tighter; when she felt jealous that Gyuri looked at other girls and the distant thought of how it bothered her that Gyuri only saw her as a child; when she realised Gyuri kissed other girls, and later still the realisation that Gyuri had sex with other girls. Long before Gyuri had looked at her or considered it for even a moment.
It hadn’t quite been a constant, what she felt for Gyuri. It couldn’t have been. But she had been in love at fifteen without knowing it, and at nineteen, twenty, too, only recognising it as pre-emptive loss for Gyuri's upcoming departure from the group. Jiheon is now twenty-two and in love with the same woman. Nowadays Baek Jiheon knows her heart well.
She takes her chopsticks, aware of Gyuri’s eyes on her hands and fingers; on her mouth when she takes the first bite. There’s electricity shooting down her spine as the taste hits her tongue.