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Sirius had always found it ironic that they lived so close to what their parents hated the most. It was almost routine hearing Walburga Black’s shrill insults to the unsuspecting muggles that dared to pass by the windows while she was in the vicinity.
But while his mother despised their very existence, Sirius spied with curiosity the simplicity of their lives, or, well what he thought must be simple lives.
He was staring out the window, when a familiar owl perched on the ledge. He quietly opened the window, letting the white feathered bird enter his room. Hermes—That’s what he decided to call the frequent guest—enthusiastically ate from the feeder, while Sirius took the letter from his claws.
The excitement of a new letter from Andromeda was always welcome, but now, after she had been disowned it felt much more like relief than any other thing. The quiet crackling of the fireplace reached his ears, as he opened the door to the library.
Sitting in his favourite armchair was Regulus and Sirius smiled. He could always count on Reggie to be in the library, which made finding him easy when one was impatient to read a secret letter.
“You seem focused,” Sirius remarked, leaning against the door frame.
Regulus didn't even glance up from the book. "Just trying to read."
Sirius stepped into the room. "Right." Stopping behind Regulus, his gaze flicked over the book in front of his brother. "Anything interesting in there?"
"Nothing I haven't already read a thousand times." Regulus closed his book and sighed. “Did you need something?”
Sirius didn’t say anything, instead he showed Reggie the letter Hermes had brought home. Regulus' eyes widened in recognition. There was just one kind of letter Sirius would share with him. Letters that Heather addressed to Edelweiss and Cypress.
Back then, it was just a little fun thing they did with their cousin, now it was a way for them to still be in touch, without anyone finding out.
“Well what are you waiting for, read it already,” Reggie urged.
“Okay! You should be grateful I came to find you,” Sirius said, a bit annoyed.
My Dearest Edelweiss and Cypress,
I hope my words find you without incident. Time, as ever, remains unstoppable and unforgiving, creating breaches in bonds that once we thought unbreakable, however there is light because some people remain forever close.
I’m writing today not with sorrow, but with a sense of calm that I never thought I would find. It feels as though the storm that once pained me has passed. Ted and I have settled into a rhythm that brings some semblance of peace. And though I often find myself looking over my shoulder, I’ve come to realise that peace, much like love, is found in unexpected places.
I know you both worry, and I can feel that even across the distance. You don’t have to because I’ve found my way.
Still, I can’t help but fear the path you are on is one that has been set before you. There are choices ahead, and I think you can feel the weight of what is coming.
It is better to find your own way. To make a decision now, rather than be forced to choose later.
You both deserve more than to be bound by the shadows of our family. And there is so much more out there waiting for you. I have always believed in you both and know that I carry you with me.
Take care of each other, as I know you always have.
Yours,
Heather
Both brothers remained quiet, processing her words. Sirius smiled at his little brother, it was meant to be a reassuring one, but it didn't seem like it had achieved its goal.
“It’s nice to know, she’s safe. I don’t like that it's just the letters now,” Reggie said sadly.
Sirius nodded, it was wrong. So wrong, to be apart… with only letters to ease the ache of missing her.
He knew one thing though. Sirius didn't want to ever feel that ache with his brother.
“Reggie?” His tone was heavy, it was burdened with all his fears.
Regulus looked at his brother. “Never Us, Reg,” Sirius said and he hoped his brother understood, he hoped they would agree to never have to write this kind of letters to each other.
“Never Us,” Reggie repeated and it was a relief knowing that they were in agreement.
The air in Grimmauld place felt heavier and heavier. Sirius couldn’t stop thinking of Andromeda’s letter. It was clear to him, they HAD to leave, they NEEDED to get out of there before it was too late. They because he wasn’t going to leave Regulus behind.
“We need to leave,” Sirius said with resolution,storming into Regulus’ room.
The boy was startled at first, but his whole demeanour changed at his brother’s words.
“I’m not you, Sirius… I’m not like her. I can’t… I can't just walk away. I can’t do that.” Regulus clenched his jaw, his hands trembling just slightly. “I don’t have what it takes.”
Sirius took a step towards him, but the distance between them felt like miles, like a chasm that he couldn’t cross no matter how hard he tried and Sirius was terrified at the thought because he hadn’t noticed the distance before. “Don’t say that.”
“I’m not you,” Regulus repeated. He let out a bitter laugh, as if the sound itself hurt him. “I’m not brave enough to walk away.”
The need to leave, to get away. It was eating Sirius alive. But, seeing how tightly Regulus clung to the family, made Sirius feel more uncertain than ever. Could he really leave, knowing how his brother would remain behind, trapped in a life that Sirius couldn’t—wouldn’t—accept?
When the moment came, it wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t loud. It was quiet, just like the night turning into day.
Sirius stood in front of him, his bags packed, a sad smile tugging at his lips. “I’m leaving, Reggie.”
It felt like an invitation. Like a last chance. An opportunity to be free.
“I know,” Regulus said, staring at Sirius. There was no anger in him. No resentment. Just... emptiness. Because he couldn’t do what Sirius was doing. He didn’t have the strength to walk away.
Sirius sighed, stepping forward, his hand brushing against Regulus’ shoulder like it was something fragile. “I don’t want you to stay here, Reg.”
But Regulus didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. He wasn’t going anywhere. Not like Sirius. Not like Andromeda. He would stay.
Sirius wasn’t sure what he expected to feel the day of his graduation. Everything was changing and it felt overwhelmingly real. It wasn’t going to be fun like their pranks, or easy like making professor McGonagall mad was. No, with the world they lived in… it was going to be hard… it already was…
His world stopped though when he saw Reggie standing in the hallway. Sirius felt the dread in his stomach. Regulus was still there. And once Sirius was out of Hogwarts he would not see Regulus again.
“Congratulations…”
“Reggie come with me,” Sirius interrupted… Pleading.
“I’m not you,” Regulus replied quietly, that phrase he kept repeating. Sirius was tired of it. “I don’t have the luxury of defying them.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” Sirius hoped for a different answer.
"You don’t understand," Regulus muttered, his voice low and bitter. "You’ve never been tied to this family like I have. You’ve never had to wear it like a shackle. You’ve never been..."
Sirius looked away for a second before interrupting Regulus again. “You’ve always had a choice, Reg. Always” Sirius said, his voice softer now, still pleading. “Don’t…”
“I don’t need you to save me, Sirius,” Regulus cut in. Something was different. Something had shifted.
The air felt too thick, like the walls were closing in, and Sirius couldn’t breathe. “I’m not—”
“You can’t fix everything Sirius… Not this.”
“What do you mean? What—Regulus?”
But Regulus turned away. The space between them was too wide, and no matter how much Sirius wanted to close that distance, he couldn’t.
A finality settled.
Sirius’s chest tightened painfully as Regulus spoke again, “Don’t… It’s already too late.”
Tears stained the paper as Regulus finished writing the letter, his heart ached at the thought that this might be the last thing his brother would receive of him. He read the letter one one time, just to make sure he had said everything he wanted.
It’s been a while Edelweiss,
I’ve been thinking about the paths we chose, about the choices that led us here. It’s strange to think that once upon a time we were close, I sometimes think I could say something and easily go back to what it was, and yet, I don’t know what to say to make it any different.
I’m sure you’ve heard all sorts of things, all the awful and unspeakable things I’ve done, but just know that I did what I had to do. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t, I was trying to survive, and yes you thought I had a choice but Edelweiss someone had to stay.
The truth is, I’ve found a way forward. It’s not what you might think, it’s not some reckless rebellion, not some foolish desire to prove myself to anyone. I’ve made my choices, and I’ll live with them.
You always were the brave one. The one who could walk away without a second thought. The one who had the courage to take his own path. I think that’s why you’ll be okay.
Don’t think that this means I gave up. I haven’t.
I can’t say much more, and I won’t, but know this: there’s a weight on my shoulders now. It’s different from before. It is one I chose to carry, one that can help. I don’t think I’ll come back from it. But… I can’t know what will happen. Maybe I’m doing this in vain… maybe I come back, maybe we laugh.
For what is worth… I’m sorry it was also us.
With Love,
Cypress
The parchment felt heavy against his fingers as he rolled it up and tied it to Hermes’s claws.
“Make sure he gets it, old friend.”
The weather was horrible, and Sirius had a bad feeling. For some reason his heart ached, it wasn’t uncommon for him to miss his brother, but this ache… it felt like grief and Sirius wasn’t sure how to deal with it.
Seeing Hermes fly through his window did nothing to alleviate his worries. Sirius had left him with Regulus. Hermes shouldn’t be here… it was wrong… Hermes brought letters from Andromeda… Hermes should not be delivering letters from Regulus.
The entrance to the cave was cold, his heart raced. He was scared but he knew he couldn’t back away, not now and certainly not knowing what he knew. He took a deep breath and for the first time in a long time his actions felt right. He looked behind him for one last time and quietly said to the air. “I’m sorry Sirius.”
Sirius cried… it had to be a joke, it felt like the end and it couldn’t be, he didn’t believe it, so he looked for some clothes, and dressed himself even when Reggie’s last words repeated themselves over and over again, like a broken record.
He walked towards the floo and his steps were confident, because he knew he would go to Grimmauld and he would find his brother.
Except Reggie’s favourite armchair was empty and that couldn't be… it couldn’t be because he could always count on Reggie to be in the library.
Sirius didn’t believe it, but his legs caved and he fell to the ground.
“I’m sorry it was also us.”