Chapter Text
sakuya doesn’t know when his love for yushi became something other than brotherly. maybe it was because they became roommates so early on, forced to spend their every waking and sleeping hour together. it was inevitable they’d rub off on each other.
sakuya knows all of his members look out for him, baby him, and treat him as a younger brother. but with yushi it was different. maybe it was because they were so similar, almost like real brothers, he thought at times. from their shared interests: playing soccer, dancing, and filming tiktok videos, to their identical sense of humor, it was like they had their own shared wavelength, separate from the team, separate from what yushi has with sion, and what sakuya has with ryo.
but it also didnt help that yushi is just so… kind. they’re all kind , sakuya’s mind counters, guiltily realizing that he shouldn’t be comparing his members like that. but it was the kind of epiphany that would keep him up for hours, even after being exhausted from training all day and only getting a few hours of sleep the day before.
riku is kind in a way thats almost cautious, like he never wants to overstep someones boundaries.
sion is kind in a way thats mandatory, expected of him as the leader.
jaehee is kind in a way that was built into him, having grown up with two olders brothers and years of class presidency experience, feeding his natural aptitude for pleasing others
and ryo is, well… ryo
but yushi is kind in a special way thats reserved for sakuya and sakuya only. yushi is kind in a way that leaves sakuyas heart fluttering in nervousness, his mind preening at the attention, desperate for more of yushis kindness.
its the way sakuya never has to feel ashamed to eat around yushi, whether it was for eating enough food for three people (he knew yushi could eat just as much as him , if not more), or for once again breaking the company’s mandated diet they had him on, by sneaking a bag of pastries from 7-eleven into the dorm.
its the way yushi is always ready to drop everything to help sakuya with his pre performance jitters, whether by going over the choreo with him to prove he had nothing to worry about, or by distracting him with dumbest hypotheticals , forcing him to choose between taking care 5 year old ryo or 5 ryos.
but at the time, sakuya didnt known what these feelings meant, what effect yushis actions had on him. sakuya was happy enough feeding into their fans delusions of yushi being his older brother. he used to see him that way too.
for all the ridiculous fan service they were forced to do, sakuya often found himself enjoying the fans obvious bias towards certain duos in the the group, the way they would cheer loudly when sion hugged yushi or when jaehee would piggyback riku. he knew fans and the company alike, enjoyed seeing him and ryo together in particular, often pairing them up together for photo shoots and music video scenes.
sakuya found himself having a preference for jaehee and yushi. jaehee , with his big reactions and gentle demeanor, he was just so fun to tease and put the spotlight on. And it was even more fun to watch yushi instigate it, watch him single jaehee out during their livestreams to embarrass him, watch him playfully hit him when they were in that cafe filming a vlog.
To sakuya, it felt like an inside joke he and yushi shared, the way yushi would make eye contact with sakuya mischievously, letting sakuya know he was planning to do something to jaehee. Sakuya was unknowing to the way his heart throbbed in pleasure to the idea of having something only he and yushi shared, something only they knew.
Sakuya was on the couch in the living room of their dorm, scrolling through the fan made posts on weverse, when he had the sudden thought, what if this wasn’t something he and yushi shared?. Sakuya had came an across a particular fan edit. It was replaying and slowing down the same clip of yushi staring at jaehee, to emphasize the look of lust? Love? In yushi’s eyes. Sakuya didn’t know which it was, what the fan meant by the video, or if yushi really was looking at jaehee with that much emotion, all sakuya knew was that it hurt. He felt an uncomfortable tension grow in his chest, climbing up his throat and choking him, the way you feel when you cry too much and you can’t breathe. Except sakuya wasn’t crying, in fact he wasn’t even moving. He was frozen in place, hand holding his phone to that same video playing over and over again. All he could think about was the idea of yushi liking someone, showing affection to someone else, loving someone that wasn’t him. But Sakuya didn’t know why he felt this way, why he had the sudden urge to run to restroom to vomit what he last ate.
Is this jealousy? He thought weakly. It must be, he quickly realized. Sakuya remembered the only other time he had felt this way, back when they were on LaStart and Ryo had made it into the lineup in the first round and he didn’t.
Sakuya is brought out of his internal thoughts by the sound of ryo’s voice. He hadn’t heard ryo coming out of their room over the noise of his own thoughts.
“Why do you keep replaying that video?” He reaches for sakuyas phone before he can even respond. “A ship edit?” An amused laugh leaves ryo. Sakuya’s eyes finally snap to ryo, his mind and body beginning to sync up again. Sakuya was confused by Ryo’s lack of reaction to the video.
“This one’s not even that well made, I’ve seen better. Did u see that one about yushi and Riku hyung with that wave to earth song? It got like ten thousand views on tiktok--“
“Wait there’s more?” Sakura interrupts, unaware of this whole side of fan content. In the back of his mind, he relaxes at the realization that this is happening not just to yushi and jaehee. Ryo pauses, now just as confused as sakuya, but this time by Sakuya’s own confusion. He hands sakuya’s phone back to him. “Yeah, you haven’t seen them? There’s tons of about us and yushi and sion hyung. They’re not always romantic but most of the time they are and—“
“But they’re not real right, I mean, it’s just editing?”
Ryo stares at sakuya for second before answering, clearly not voicing what he’s really thinking. “You’re asking me if I think these videos are real? Clearly not, I mean it’s not like we’re in love with each other. They’re just fan’s delusions” He states as if it’s the most obvious thing, not bothering to hide his judgement towards sakuya for asking such a dumb question.
If sakuya were in his right mind, he would be picking up all the weird looks ryo had been giving him, the very obvious confusion in his tone. But sakuyas not in his right mind, and all he can think about is proving his own thoughts wrong, proving the video wrong, proving that yushi isn’t in love with someone, someone that isn’t him.
Ryo’s voice breaks him out of his trance again, eyes softer now, clearly sensing that there’s more to this than just the video (though there really isn’t). ryo sits on the couch next to sakuya, reaching for one of sakuya’s hands which had begun to subconsciously rip at his cuticles. “Hey it’s just a video. It doesn’t mean anything”, his tone is gentle now, hoping what he said earlier didn’t hurt sakuya.
Sakuya pays no mind to ryo’s coddling, finally voicing out the one persistent thought that hasn’t gone away since he saw the damn video.
“do you think yushi likes anyone?”
Sakuyas eyes bore into ryo’s, begging him to say what he wants to hear (but what that is, he has no idea). Ryo is flustered again, trying hard to understand what’s going on in sakuyas mind, treading lightly as to not say anything that would upset him.
“I don’t know” he finally says, the disappointment that flashes through sakuya’s eyes doesn’t go unnoticed. “I don’t think so” he adds on quickly, though unsure if it makes things better or worse. When he sees that it doesn’t seem to upset him, he adds on, “with how busy we are, I don’t think any of us have the time for that.”
Sakuya’s shoulders finally deflate, not in relief but rather in passive acceptance to ryo’s answer. “You’re right. I don’t know why I…” why I what? He thought to himself. Why I got jealous? Why I got upset? Why I wanted to vomit at the idea of yushi actually being in love with jaehee?
Ryo shifts in his spot on the couch, bringing the hand of sakuyas that he was holding into his own lap.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asks quietly. By ‘it’ ryo has no idea, but clearly something was bothering sakuya, and he hoped his friend would feel comfortable enough to confide in him.
It seems to have the opposite effect though, with sakuya retrieving his hand from ryos lap, and standing up from the couch, not so rushed it seems he’s running away but more at a pace that acknowledges ryo’s efforts but simply doesn’t feel ready to accept them.
“I just… I’m gonna go take a nap. Could you give me a few hours in the room” he stills asks permission because it’s technically their room, but he makes it clear he’d rather not be bothered.
“Sure” ryo nods quickly, not wanting to oppose sakuya in his clearly mentally fragile state. “Me and the others were gonna get hotpot for dinner. Do you want us to get you anything?” Sakuya shakes his head weakly, not having the mental capacity to keep the conversation going any further. “I can figure out dinner for myself” he says with finality, though he knew the unsettled thoughts in his brain would keep him from eating until the next day.
For as uncomfortable as it had been to realize, sakuya is quick to accept that yes, he is in love with yushi. It made sense, he thought bitterly, staring at yushi and sion chat amongst themselves as they fixed their mic packs onto their clothing. They were getting ready for the first live performance of steady, dressed in matching school uniforms.
Yushi was just so perfect. Sakuya had thought so since the first time he saw yushi in the practice room, meticulously perfecting and cleaning the choreo he had just learned with sion hyung. He made it look so effortless, like everything came as easy as breathing to him. The way yushi was always first to record for a new song, always the first to memorize a new choreo. And even beyond his perfect idolness, sakuya often times caught himself in awe over everything that was yushi.
His gentle voice that never raised no matter how mad he got. His perfect posture and the look of concentration he’d get on his face when he was really focused on something. The way yushi always looked good no matter what color his hair was at the moment.
The way yushi could go from being the life of the party, making everyone bend over in laughter, to just as easily slipping back to quietness and the reserves of his mind, letting the other members take the flow of things. Sakuya often wished he could look inside yushi’s mind. He wished he could see what yushi was thinking in those moments, what yushi thought when he looked at another member, and most of all, what yushi thought when he looked at him.
Has yushi seen the fan edits? Sakuya thought. did they bother him as much as they bothered me?
And before sakuya knew it, he caught himself wishing that yushi felt differently towards him. He wished that yushi got just as uncomfortable at the idea of him liking ryo, the way sakuya could vomit at the idea of yushi liking jaehee. He wished that yushi got just as upset watching sakuya lean his head onto someone else’s shoulder, the way sakuya would now have to tear his eyes away from yushi anytime he was touching someone that wasn’t him, leaning on someone that wasn’t him.
Sakuya wished that yushi liked him back.
If yushi noticed something was up with Sakuya, he didn’t say anything.
Sakuya had found it increasingly hard to deal with these newfound feelings of his. Now that he understood why his heart would thump in his chest whenever yushi would lean his head on his shoulder or hold his hand, he did his best to avoid any and all contact with yushi. Which wasn’t really that hard. It was easy to hide himself in ryo’s embraces and sions cuteness aggression for him. But it hurt him to force this distance between them and he could tell it was hurting yushi as well. Sakuya wasn’t exactly being subtle at the fact that he would move away if yushi chose to sit near him, or that if he saw yushi coming his way with an obvious intent to talk to him, sakuya would either strike up a conversation with the person closest to him (even if it was a stranger) or he would straight up speed walk in the opposite direction from yushi, doing everything in his power to be away from him.
And yushi was anything but confrontational, especially since this obvious drift between them wasn’t affecting them professionally. Sakuya would only talk to yushi normally if it was under the pretense of work, not letting it slip to the staff and managers that there was something going on. But before yushi knew it, they’d be back in the van driving to the dorms and sakuya had already chosen his spot pressed between Riku and ryo in the back, headphones in, making it clear he wasn’t up for any talking.
And so all yushi could do was wait and hope, hope that sakuya would get over whatever little teen angst he was going through, hope that sakuya would come to him to talk, hope that sakuya would at least talk to someone if it helped with his obvious avoidance of him.
Yushi had enough of hoping. It had been three weeks of sakuya avoiding him, three weeks of sakuya tip toeing around him, running away from him at any chance he could get. Sakuya could be mad at him all he wants, but yushi thought he at least deserved to know why. And thats what led him to grabbing sakuya’s wrist hard, ripping it from where it had been playing a game on his phone. Sakuya let out a hey in annoyance, clearly not expecting yushi’s outburst. It got them some looks from the others in the waiting room, but yushi couldn’t care less. With his iron grip on sakuya, yushi dragged him to the closest empty dressing room he could find, shutting the door behind them and blocking it, so sakuya really couldn’t run this time.
Sakuya refused to make eye contact with yushi, staring stubbornly at the ground, hoping that maybe his silence would get yushi to give up and leave him alone. Yushi stared at sakuya in silence for a few moments, thinking carefully about how he wanted to approach the subject.
“Are you mad at me?” He finally asks, desperation and hurt creeping into his voice. Sakuya’s eyes finally snap up to yushi’s, clearly not expecting the question, and definitely not expecting the hurt in yushi’s voice. Sakuya was expecting yushi to be mad, which he clearly was from the way he forcefully dragged sakuya in here, but sakuya was wholly unprepared for this. Yushi staring at him with hurt eyes, a slight furrow in his brows. Sakuya had never been on the receiving end of yushi’s sadness, neither had he ever been the cause of it.
He hated it. Sakuya hated that he hurt yushi so much, enough to cause yushi to break like this.
Frustrated with sakuya’s silence, yushi continues, “you can be mad at me all you want but at least tell me why. What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything” sakuya finally speaks. yushi’s eyes narrow at him, the anger from before returning. “Really? So it’s a coincidence that we haven’t talked in three weeks? It’s a coincidence that you’ve been giving me silent treatment in person and ignoring all of my texts?” Despite all this, yushi’s voice still remains ever so quiet, the only hint of his distress coming from the way his voice shakes at the end.
“I-I didn’t… it’s not like that” is all sakuya can say, closing his eyes in frustration. He can feel tears beginning to form, and he hates it. He hates that he can’t do this, that he can’t just avoid yushi for the rest of his career or until his feelings go away, and act like everything’s okay. He hates that he can’t say anything to appease yushi that won’t expose him for the way he feels.
Deep down, he knows yushi wouldn’t judge him for the way he feels. Yushi wouldn’t treat him any differently, and if anything, yushi would blame himself for causing sakuya to feel the way he feels.
“Saku-chan…” yushi starts slowly, stepping away from the door towards sakuya. The anger is gone once again, replaced with pure concern. “Talk to me please,” yushi pleads, reaching for one of sakuya’s hands that had formed a tight fist by his side. And with that sakuya breaks.
He lets out a sob, hands coming up to cover his face. “I’m sorry” Sakuya cries out, breath becoming uneven in short little gasps and sobs. “I didn’t… I wasn’t…” but he can’t get the words out, feeling that all too familiar choking sensation he had felt when he first realized his feelings for yushi.
and then suddenly yushi is hugging him, doing his best to wrap his arms around sakuya’s slightly larger frame, hands patting his back like a baby, the way he always did to calm sakuya’s nerves. yushi somehow always managed to make sakuya feel smaller despite that not being so.
“saku-chan it’s okay. don’t cry okay I’m not mad”
but you are, sakuya counters in his mind.
yushi is there and he is so so warm, and so so kind that sakuya finally stops holding back. Sakuya pulls away from yushi slightly only to close the distance again, this time wrapping his arms around yushi in a tight embrace. he hugs yushi like he’s his life support, like he needs yushi to breathe and live. Make-up be damned (though he mentally apologizes to the stylist), he shoves his face into yushi’s neck, desperate to get rid of any space between them. Yushi gasps a little in shock, not expecting sakuya’s sudden embrace, and certainly not expecting the aggressive desperateness behind it. but then he relaxes, letting out a sigh, like this was what he wanted all this time. Sakuya doesn’t let himself dwell on those delusions too much. yushis hands return to pat sakuya’s back as best as he can under his tight hold. Neither of them speak for a few minutes, just basking the closeness that they both missed.
“i missed you” yushi finally says, breaking the silence. Sakuya doesn’t answer, not wanting to move his face from the crook of yushi’s neck. He just hugs him tighter in response.
“you don’t have to tell me whats wrong if you don’t want to, just please, don’t avoid me anymore" Yushi’s voice shakes near the end, willing himself to not cry over something so miniscule.
“i won’t, i won’t, i’m sorry” sakuya finally answers, not wanting to make yushi hurt anymore. Sakuya finally peels his face away from where he was trying to discretely take in yushi’s scent that he missed so much. yushi lets out a soft laugh at sakuya’s appearance. his eye makeup was smudged from tears and rubbing against his clothes and his lip makeup had been completely wiped off onto yushi’s uniform. yushi reaches up to wipe away the tear stains on sakuya’s face, feeling how his skin grew warm under his touch. He doesn’t comment on it.
It was at that moment that sakuya decided something. feelings be damned, even if he would come out of this 10 times more hurt, sakuya decided that he wanted to be selfish with yushi.
After that day, things seemed to go back to normal for them. at least thats how it seemed to the members and even yushi himself. the others had noticed the way sakuya was acting around yushi but decided it wasn’t their place to interfere. ryo in particular wondered if sakuyas behavior had anything to do with that day they talked about the fan edits. he hadn’t brought up that conversation to sakuya again since, and it seemed like the younger still wasn’t willing to talk about it.
yushi, though still unsatisfied with sakuya’s lack of explanation for his dismissive behavior, was just happy enough to have his sakuya back. He knew things weren’t perfect between them. Yushi would catch sakuya at times, staring at him with a certain look in his eyes (he didn’t like to think too deeply about what it could mean), and one too many times caught sakuya zoning out in his own thoughts.
Sakuya seemed clingier, yushi noticed. Not that he was complaining, but it made Yushi think back to when sakuya hugged him tightly in the dressing room, almost like he was afraid yushi would try to pull away or disappear. It was a complete 180 from the sakuya that avoided him, the one that seemed like he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him.
No, this sakuya was different. It was almost like he couldn’t go without touching yushi for a single second. They’d always been clingy, all of them are, but now it was clear that sakuya was putting all of his focus onto yushi. Sakuya would hold yushi’s hand any second he could, drape himself over yushi’s back, not bothering to hide how he took in yushi’s scent despite him being drenched in sweat from practice. Driving to and from work, Sakuya made sure to corner yushi in the van, seating himself in the middle of the back, making sure he was the only person sitting next to yushi.
Yushi would never admit it, but he secretly enjoyed all of the attention sakuya was giving him. It wasn’t a secret to themselves or the others that Sakuya is yushi’s favorite dongsaeng and that Yushi is Sakuya’s favorite hyung. But this newfound confidence from Sakuya that had him confidently showing his affection for yushi, made yushi happier than he’d like to admit. A part of him worried that it had to do with the same reason that had Sakuya avoiding him in the first place. Yushi worried that Sakuya was doing all of this to apologize, to overcompensate for being mean to Yushi and for not explaining why.
“you’ve been clingier” they’re in the practice room taking a break. the others have migrated to other parts of the room, some laying down, some sitting and talking. At the start of the break, Sakuya had been quick to drag yushi over to the couch, pulling him down so they could lay together, sakuya once again hugging yushi from behind, face in the nape of his neck. Yushi brings it up quietly, not wanting to make a big deal of it, for fear that it’ll upset Sakuya. But all the same, he feels sakuya stiffen behind him.
“do you not like it?” sakuya asks back, somehow managing to speak even softer than yushi, he almost couldn’t hear it. yushi is quick to shake his head no, reaching to hold sakuyas arms that were around his waist. “just an observation” he states simply, hopefully making it clear to sakuya that he really doesn’t mind it. He feels sakuya relax again, letting out a sigh and burrowing further into yushi’s neck. “you smell nice”
the simple comment makes yushi flush all over, not ready for the verbal affection. all he can do is huff a little, gently. “you’re always sniffing me” he says back, but his words are a bit muffled as he tries to hide his flushed face in the cushion of the couch.
When sakuya realizes what effect his words have on yushi, his heart once again throbs in pleasure. The knowledge that he can fluster yushi the same way sion does when he blows a kiss at yushi on stage or when riku calls yushi cute, fills sakuya pride. It makes him feel mature, powerful. He knows it’s really nothing, that the simple phrase would leave anyone speechless, but sakuya accepts the small victory anyway. He wonders if this is what yushi wants, what he likes, being pampered and taken care of.
Sakuya thinks back to the other fan made videos he had looked at, after his conversation with ryo. The ones of yushi he noticed, focused on the members taking care of him: sion fixing yushi’s sweater, riku being quick to offer his mic when yushi’s wasn’t working, jaehee helping yushi cook. It made Sakuya compare those moments to his own relationship with yushi. He had always thought that he and yushi had a special connection, and they did, but was it the kind of connection that made yushi see him as more than just a younger brother, a dongsaeng to take care of?
if being mature and proving to yushi he wasn’t just kid, was what it took for yushi to love him back, sakuya would try, he would try to be that for yushi, he would try to be what yushi needs.