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One step, one step, once more, it was simple to imagine cadences if only to overcome the exhaustion seizing his limbs, to focus his thoughts on any mundane repetition besides the agonizing one in which his legs were currently engaged. He was exerting himself beyond his strength, and gradually, step by step, Alexander could feel his limbs locking, protesting their application. Sprinting through sandy shores at play, jogging home under muggy Caribbean heat- that was nothing compared to this purposeful exertion.
“Come- keep up, Hamilton!”
Troup was yelling again- and something snide and rebellious behind Alexander’s eyes wanted only to stop this exercise to spite him- him and his strong legs. Damn him.
Alexander had had no reason for running since he was a small child. Returning to the Stevens’ house after lessons with Knox had never required such exertion. The distance had been short and one small burst of speed had always covered the length of it- if Alex had been pressed for time. If he hadn’t…well there was no point in running at all- a quick pace would fit the task.
Of course, the point of running on those occasions had been transport- no other purpose was necessary. And on those occasions, Alexander had not paused intermittently to strain his thighs in squatting repetitively and jumping with the weight of this pack on his back. Rob insisted on this task- swore by it’s effectiveness. And, Alexander did so want strong legs, but the exhaustion of his muscles was beginning to present a daunting challenge.
The very concept of exercise for the improvement of strength or speed- it was so very perplexing. To practice an exhausting activity so as not to be so exhausted the next time? To ache in avoidance of aching?
Better now than in battle.
“Come, dear boy, this exercise is for your own sake.”
How could Rob’s voice be so steady at such a time? Between his frustration for Rob’s seemingly effortless physique and his cocky attitude, Alex’s stomach churned at the moniker. Perceived age aside, he was no one’s boy.
“I know!” he snapped, and had he the breath for more words, he’d sling them.
Rob’s responding laughter was infuriating, and beyond his exhaustion and frustration, Alexander could recognize his friend’s innocence, how unfair his anger was. His deficiency was hardly Rob’s fault and Alexander appreciated the discretion his friend maintained, agreeing not to tell the other boys of their exercises- or of Alexander’s slowness. Rob had offered to train his friend, sparing him the embarrassment of seeming weak during their exercises with the Hearts of Oak. But, Alexander was not so optimistic of his own capabilities. He had never had reason to feel deficient in his form- most people found his slightness attractive, but in more rugged tasks it was certainly a disadvantage. Ever since having begun these discrete supplemental training sessions, he had not grown in the slightest and found himself hardly capable of feeding his new appetites. If not for Rob’s doting attention to his health, Alexander was sure he would have starved himself for neglecting to eat hearty meals to match their hardy regiment.
He knew Rob was only helping.
Still, he let forth a low feral noise of frustration when Rob picked up his pace to the top of the forested hill and stopped, lifting his own pack over his head to begin his arm exercises. He was slow to follow.
“Puck up, Alex!” Rob called lightheartedly, breathing undisturbed. “We’ll turn about and go back after this set of lifts.”
“Merciful heaven!”
Rob laughed easily, eyeing Alexander until the other man lifted his pack obediently to complete their exercise, muscles straining for an end to this self-imposed torture. “Merciful?” he said, tone teasing lightly and watching Alex’s strain with obvious amusement. “I don’t believe heaven had mercy upon you…blessing you with this thirst for war. Heaven did not decide to make you fit for battle as it made you fit for a bedchamber- that’s why we’re out here. Don’t thank heaven when it shaped you so sultry.”
Alex nearly dropped his pack, snorting in amusement at the jocular flirtation. He appreciated the distraction- and the familiarity Rob had with the nature of their friendship- when best to employ it’s comforts.
Sharing a room together had acquainted Rob quickly to Alexander’s particular brand of fragrant shamelessness, and therefore also an intimate knowledge of the physical blessings that made his bedmate…more fit to be a lover than a fighter…
The joking flirtations had naturally followed this discovery- and while Alexander had been weary of it at first, he had learned over time that Rob had many friends he teased in such a bawdy way. He had grown comfortable in the assurance that it was only that- joking flirtation among friends. And, he certainly took advantage of such an outlet for his dirtiest musings. He did so love good humor- and it was certainly liberating to twist his sauciest obscenities into harmless wit…
“Oh, forgive me. Merciful Troup!” Alexander said, amending himself and pressing his pack up twice more before dropping it for a quick rest, face flushed and panting.
Troup laughed, “Quite right- you should be thanking me. I would say you owe me quite a debt for training you.”
“I am thanking- and I always do,” Alexander let his hands rest on his waist, provide some lift to his arms so that the blood might flow back into his fingers, “I could’ve kissed you upon the words ‘go back’.”
Troup’s grin twisted, “Well, if that’s your means of paying a debt, I would accept it as a start-” he teased, and Alexander had expected such a response and moved close to satisfy the joke, pressing his lips chastely to his friend’s cheek, but Rob’s fingers surprised him, touching his jaw to keep him near. “I meant…a much different sort of kiss.”
His voice had lowered to a whisper and eyes dropped to Alexander’s mouth.
The panic was immediate, gripping Alexander’s entire body to seize still. His mind flashed over jokes Rob had made of his lips, jokes he had allowed in uncomfortable humor. Those insinuations had been a tease- a denouncement of such debasing acts- acts Alexander had swore he would never do again- never had to do again!
Even as Rob’s mouth nudged against his lips, his mind had already interpreted the words to mean placing his mouth in a much lewder kiss than it was currently being engaged.
…thoroughly engaged…
There was sweat on Rob’s cheek and his lips were wet and gentling Alex’s to move, but the 'younger' man was shocked rigid, afraid he might vomit, might faint, might-
He shoved Troup back, huffing out a broken sob of surprise and covering his mouth in a sweaty palm, wiping furiously. He jolted away, doubling over on the far side of the clearing.
“Alexander! I’m so sorry!”
Alexander threw the hand off his shoulder, backing further. “What was that?!” he snapped, voice cracking.
“I’m sorry!”
“No- what was that?”
“A kiss! Just a kiss- I didn’t intend…I just assumed that-”
“You assumed!” Alexander halted the words before Troup could speak them. He knew what his roommate must believe of him- at least, he knew now. Assumptions come from perceptions, perceptions from observations, observations from behaviors…how had he been behaving? Was it his stride, his dress, his manner of speaking? Alexander curled his hands tight to his sides. Perceptions also come from pre-existing beliefs- of a character’s physical attributes, his parentage…his origination…no, Rob did not know he was West Indian- at least, Alexander had never told him…
“I was wrong-”
“You were!”
“Alexander, I’m sorry…” Rob said, stepping nearer. Alexander tensed, but held steady. Rob’s expression was genuine- and frightened…and sad, “I’m sorry that I did that- after all we’ve said…it was all in jest, I understand.”
After all we’ve said-…I just assumed that.
…oh.
Oh, Alexander had been wrong. Rob had exposed more of himself than he had seen of him. And now, he exposed himself again…
Alexander wanted not to see. He recoiled.
A few moments passed in tension, the silence of a forest in the fall, distant crackling of leaves, far from campus and far from the safety and comfort of college studies- more simple and sure than this sudden battlefield. Rob stepped closer, “Please don’t tell anyone-”
“…I won’t.” How could he? Alexander’s voice softened and he reached up slowly to put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. This small affection suddenly felt sickeningly like pity, but he squeezed reassuringly, “I won’t.”
Rob nodded with a small wry smile, and Alexander perplexed himself with regret. He had never felt saddened to disappoint a man who desired him. He had never intended to draw such a desire from someone he would not share himself with. And, he abruptly feared how their rooming arrangements might feel tense with this discovery.
“Let’s go home,” he suggested.
And, if he ran the route a little faster in returning, ensuring to keep a good distance ahead of his Troup, it was not for his own physical improvement…