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“Did you remember the fruit snacks?”
“TK…”
“The Annie’s ones. Enzo said those are his favorite.”
“Yes.”
“And the iPad. Oh, god. We didn’t forget his headphones–”
“Tyler!”
TK freezes, blinking bright green eyes at Carlos when he grabs him by the bicep and gently spins him around so they’re facing each other. He cradles his spiraling husband’s face between both hands and attempts to settle him with firm eye contact.
“We’ve got everything. We double checked before we left the house, and again when we parked the truck. And in the TSA line. We’ve got books and plane snacks and a tablet loaded with Paw Patrol. My mom knitted him a blanket. I have three different coloring books and four packs of crayons. I brought gum and lollipops in case his ears start to hurt.” He rubs his thumbs across TK’s cheekbones. “We’re good.”
“I just want to make sure we have everything. I want him to be comfortable. I—” He casts his eyes down, but Carlos ducks his head a bit, refusing to let him break eye contact. “I don’t want him to hate me.”
“Your brother loves you, babe. He’s gonna be thrilled to see you. He’s been asking you every day when he gets to come live with us. We’ve got everything we need and if we did forget something,” he shrugs. “There’s stores in Switzerland.”
TK’s shoulders drop and some of the tension leaves his body. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah,” TK says, shrugging a shoulder to his ear. “You’re right. I need to relax.”
They’re in the Delta Lounge waiting to board their flight to Geneva so they can pick up Jonah at the boarding school where he’s been living in limbo for the past month. Enzo sent him there before TK and Carlos had a chance to tell him that they wanted to take Jonah. And once they did, they had to go through an adoption screening process with the Department of Family and Protective Services. They were finally approved a few days ago, after TK told their social worker that he’d be quitting his job to care for Jonah, and they booked the first available flight to Switzerland. It’s cost them a fortune in last minute airfare and hotel bookings, but Jonah’s worth every penny.
“Maybe you should eat something, babe,” Carlos says. They woke up early for their 10 am flight, wanting to get to the airport with plenty of time. It meant skipping breakfast and he thinks it’s put them both on edge. Or, more on edge.
“Oh, I need coffee,” TK replies.
“No caffeine for you,” Carlos chides, leaning in to place a chaste kiss to TK’s lips. “You’re already nervous enough.”
“Carlos,” TK whines as Carlos grabs his carry-on bag from his hand and slings it over his own shoulder. He places a gentle hand on the small of his back and begins guiding him to the taco bar they passed by a few minutes ago. He thinks a breakfast burrito will make them both feel better. Especially one loaded with chorizo and green chilies.
“You can have a hot tea,” Carlos chuckles while TK groans. “Because you’re my little hot-tie.”
—
They head straight to Collège du Léman once they touch down in Geneva. The large campus is made up of sterile white buildings, with towering industrial-looking statues positioned in the courtyards and across the perfectly manicured lawns.
It’s no place for a three-year-old. He can’t even imagine sending a teenager to a place like this.
They’re left to wait in a wood-paneled office. TK paces while Carlos sits back in an uncomfortable wooden chair. He’s on his feet immediately when Jonah, dressed in a stiff gray sweater and khakis, is guided into the room by an older woman who’d introduced herself as Governess Burgin.
TK makes it to Jonah first, dropping to his knees and pulling the boy into a crushing hug. Carlos hovers at first, before TK reaches up blindly for his hand and tugs him down to join their embrace.
Relief rushes over him as he holds his family tight. They’re together, at last. Jonah is safe and he’s theirs and everything is right now.
“You’re okay,” TK is repeating, pulling back just enough to give Jonah some space to breathe. He starts running his hands over his tiny body, instinctively checking him over, making sure he is okay. “We’re gonna bring you home. We’re never gonna leave you, okay?”
Jonah’s chin wobbles. His eyes are big and wet, but he nods in understanding.
“We love you so much, bud,” TK says, pulling Jonah back in. He drops a kiss to the top of his head. “We’re gonna keep you safe. I promise.”
—
Carlos carries an overwhelmed Jonah outside a few minutes later after Governess Burgin asks to speak to TK privately, no doubt to catch him up on Jonah’s wellbeing and development during his stay here.
He sets the boy on a bench on the far end of the courtyard, which is lined with red roses and happy yellow marigolds.
Jonah leans into Carlos’s side when he sits down next to him.
“Am I really coming to live with you?” he asks quietly.
“Yeah, buddy,” he says, hoping his tone is reassuring. He runs a hand through Jonah’s hair, brushing his bangs back from his face. “We’ve got your room all set up with books and toys. Your dad told us all your favorite foods. We even got you a tub of moose tracks ice cream.”
Jonah perks up at that, looking up at Carlos with imploring eyes while he sticks his tongue out a bit and starts panting like a dog. “Moose tracks?”
“Oh,” he teases. “Is that your favorite?”
Jonah scrunches his face, eyes crinkling at the corners just like TK’s do when he smiles, and he nods enthusiastically. “Yesssss!”
“Well, it’s a good thing we got that kind, hmm?” He laughs. “You can have as much as you want when we get home, okay?”
“Okay!”
It’s dangerous, he knows. They haven’t even walked off the boarding school campus yet and somehow he’s already become the push over dad. They’ll find some balance once Jonah’s settled and recovered a bit from the trauma of the last few months. For now, though, he’ll move heaven and earth to give this kid anything he wants.
“What’s it been like here?” Carlos asks, taking another look around at the high white walls and the perfectly pruned gardens. “Have you done anything fun?”
Jonah shrugs, looking sullenly down at his khakis.
“I heard you’ve been drawing?” He prods.
“I uh–” Jonah stutters, pulling awkwardly at his sweater. “I drew you. And Buttercup.”
“You did?”
A tear slips down Jonah’s left cheek and Carlos feels his heart breaking with it.
“I missed you,” Jonah whispers.
“Oh, buddy,” Carlos says, no longer able to resist his urge to pull Jonah into his lap. “We missed you too. No one’s ever gonna take you away from us again, okay?”
“Okay,” he sniffles, face lighting up when he spots something on the other end of the bench. He points. “Lou!”
“What?” Carlos asks, confused until he sees it too. A small brown lizard is on the back of the bench crawling towards them.
“Can he come home with us too?” Jonah asks pleadingly, big brown eyes trained right on Carlos. He suddenly understands what TK’s been saying all these years about the power of the cow eyes. He feels pretty damn wrecked by them right now.
“Uh, no. Lizards don’t fly on planes,” Carlos reasons.
Okay, maybe there is some hope that he won’t give in and give this kid everything he wants.
Not yet at least.
—
Jonah sleeps snuggled up right between them that night at the hotel. Despite TK’s best efforts to tuck him in and get him situated in the room’s second queen bed, he’d cried until Carlos told TK to just let him sleep with them.
He laid there for a while, looking up at them with expectant eyes until Carlos sighed and began telling him a story about a boy who felt very scared and alone his whole life until the stormy night when he met another boy on the side of a dark highway who changed his whole world. Jonah drifted off to sleep contentedly, with a hand curled in TK’s sleep shirt.
Now they lay staring at each other across the pillows. The light from the lamp on TK’s bedside table casts a soft yellow glow across his face. It suits him, Carlos thinks. His beautiful, sweet, selfless husband always radiates sunshine.
He knows what they’re both thinking: is this our future? Waking up to a little munchkin squeezed between them, a foot jammed in their ribs or a hand flung in their face? Will Jonah want to sleep with them every night? He’ll have to do some research to find out how healthy that is, to find ways to help him sleep more comfortably in his new environment.
“Hey,” TK says, voice just above a whisper. He reaches a hand across to brush his fingers through Carlos’s curls and scratch lightly at his scalp. God, he loves it when he does that. “I’m sorry we couldn’t stay here longer, see some of the sights.”
They’re flying out first thing tomorrow. TK had fretted at first, offering to spend a few days at least in Geneva so that Carlos’s first international trip wouldn’t be less than 48 hours. Carlos has taken two months of paternity leave, so they have the time. But they both knew that deep down they were eager to get Jonah home, to bundle him into the loft and surround him with love until he starts to feel safe and stable in his new life.
Carlos had held TK’s face and told him softly, but in no uncertain terms, that they were flying to Geneva to get Jonah and bring him home. Not to worry about Carlos’s travel inexperience right now. That there would be other trips.
“It’s fine, babe. We can always come back.”
He looks down at the sleeping boy cradled between them. “Do you think–”
“We’ll figure it out.”
“We will,” Carlos says, feeling himself begin to drift off too. “We always do.”
“Well, we do make a pretty great team,” TK chuckles, continuing to rake his nails across Carlos’s head in the way he knows usually puts him straight to sleep.
“We really do, don’t we?” He sighs, the old familiar dialogue coming natural as breathing all these years later.
“‘Fraid so. Go to sleep, baby.”
—
Jonah is subdued on the ten hour plane ride home after a brief layover in London, switching between sitting in Carlos and TK’s laps despite the third seat they purchased for him. He cries at first, when a flight attendant with kind eyes insists that he has to sit in his own seat for takeoff so he can be buckled in. He looks so small, sitting in the empty seat between them, breaking Carlos’s heart with his big watery eyes.
He’s been clingy since they picked him up. Almost as if he thinks that if he’s not constantly touching one of them they’ll slip right back out of his life, leaving him scared and alone in a foreign place again.
Carlos wishes he had the language to assure Jonah that they’re never going to leave him. That this is his family now, and they’re gonna be by his side every day for as long as he needs them to be. But Carlos isn’t fluent in toddler speak yet. He knows how to be the fun uncle, picking them up and playing Chutes and Ladders and bringing them to baseball games before dropping them off at home at the end of the day.
But being a parent is different. It means being there for the day to day, keeping him safe, helping him navigate the world and making sure he always knows he’s loved. It means giving him the time and space to heal and trying his damnedest not to cause him any more trauma.
Jonah’s little life has been scarred with more loss in his three short years on this earth than most people will endure over three decades. He wasn’t even a year old when he lost his mom. Carlos doesn’t know how much of Gwyn he’ll remember. His own earliest memories don’t start until he was about two years old, but he remembers TK talking about the wallpaper in the apartment he lived in as an infant. Will Jonah remember his mother’s eyes? Her laugh? Or the lullabies she sang to him? It’s their job now, his and TK’s, to help him remember.
Enzo had all the things from Jonah’s room packed and sent to them, after the feds seized everything of value from the home. The sentimental things – the photo albums and the heirlooms passed down from Enzo’s mother, the family cookbooks and the books about the Peruvian rainforest – those had all been saved and sent along. Carlos has already been adding to the collection of books, stories about Peru and picture books of Peruvian animals. And he’s already picked out the recipes from the cookbooks that he wants to learn. He’s hopeful that one day they’ll be recipes that he and Jonah share fond memories of making together. Enzo may not be here in the day to day, but he’ll still be a part of Jonah’s life.
Carlos may not have the words to express all this to Jonah, to explain that they’ve got him and they’re not going anywhere. But maybe that’s the kind of thing better communicated with actions. They’ll show him every day, with bedtime stories and chocolate chip pancakes, trips to the zoo and family dinners. It won’t happen overnight, he knows, and they’ll probably make some missteps along the way. But they’re committed to this, to him. And they’ve got a big family ready to help pick up the slack.
Marjan’s already ready to claim her throne as favorite auntie. She practically told Carlos to try holding her back when he suggested they might need some time to adjust to their new family before introducing Jonah to new people. Mateo and Nancy sent over a box of old Pokémon comic books and stuffed animals, and Paul was over every night for almost a week helping put together kid furniture and baby proofing the house. Carlos doesn’t think he’s ever gonna be able to access his own liquor cabinet again.
As soon as they’re in the air and the seatbelt light blinks on and off Carlos is unbuckling Jonah, placing a protective hand on his back as he climbs right into his lap. He peers curiously out the window when Carlos slides the shade up.
“What’s down there?” Jonah asks quietly.
Carlos points at the things on the ground that he can make out, football fields and cathedrals, patchwork farms and rocky cliffs. It’s not long until they run out of land and everything fades into the ocean’s blue, brackish arms.
“That’s the ocean,” he says, humming softly when Jonah blinks big curious eyes. He points a chubby little finger, smearing a streak across the window. It’s gross, he’s sure the window hasn’t been cleaned in years. He’s gonna have to learn to give up some of his germaphobic tendencies. But he also hopes TK remembered the Clorox disinfecting wipes. He bought a case of them at Costco the other day, he’s got a feeling they’re gonna be going through them fast.
“Is there fish?” Jonah asks, leaning closer to the thick plastic window.
“I think so,” Carlos answers, leaning forward himself to get a better look. “There’s also jellyfish and octopus and whales and sharks”
“Baby Shark!” Jonah squeals, clapping his hands before pointing to Carlos. “And Carlos Shark!” He turns to point at TK who’s got a soft smile and shiny eyes. “And TK Shark!”
“Yeah, buddy,” TK says, tickling Jonah’s tummy just to make him giggle. “There’s a family of sharks down there too.”
They occupy some time naming all the animals and fish in the ocean they can think of. Jonah’s opening up more, and Carlos can feel his own heart unclenching with it.
He’s always had a fear of flying. It’s here now, dulled by the warm weight of Jonah in his lap, his tiny fist clutching to Carlos’s shirt as he curls into his chest and begins to doze. And by the familiar warmth of TK’s hand in his own. He swallows. It’s one thing to fly between states, but flying thousands of miles above an open ocean in a tiny tin tube is another level of fear. Maybe this is what fatherhood is all about, he thinks as TK gives his hand a knowing squeeze. Maybe being a good father is gonna mean squashing his own fears so his kid can thrive.
It’s what his own father did for him. He remembers summer evenings spent swimming out at Lake Travis, weekends of horseplay out in the pond on the Reyes Family ranch. He didn’t learn until years later that his father had a lifelong fear of water, that he was terrified of swimming anywhere that his feet couldn’t touch bottom, where he couldn’t clearly see what was below him. But he’d kept that fear inside, never showing it to his son. And while Carlos thinks that the wall between him and his father was built in part to his dad’s inability to show his emotions, he thinks this one is a good lesson to take with him into fatherhood.
He doesn’t want Jonah to be afraid, doesn’t want him to absorb his and TK’s fears and go out into the world with predetermined phobias. He wants him to explore and discover the world with inquisitivity. He wants him to run and be free, to laugh and stay curious. He wants him to jump into the deep end with no abandon.
“I have to go potty,” Jonah whispers, tearing Carlos from his thoughts. TK offers to take him, but Jonah clings to Carlos’s shirt and looks up at him with those big brown eyes.
“I’ve got it,” Carlos says, petting a hand through Jonah’s hair in reassurance.
“Okay,” TK says, rummaging through Jonah’s carry on for a fresh pull-up. He hands it to Carlos, it’s a cheerful neon green with cartoon dogs on it. He thinks one of them is Bluey.
The reality of his new life sinks a little deeper when he takes the pull-up and carries Jonah down the aisle to the bathroom.
They’ve spoken extensively with Enzo about Jonah’s development and his care. He was nearly fully potty trained when he boarded the plane to Switzerland about a month ago. But Governess Burgin informed TK yesterday that Jonah has seen some regressions since he got to the school. He started wetting the bed the first night, and has had accidents almost daily.
It’s cramped in the airplane bathroom, with barely enough room for him to turn around on his own. But when he helps Jonah onto the toilet he can tell he’s already wet himself. Carlos feels his heart breaking when Jonah’s eyes begin to well with tears.
“I peed,” he whimpers.
“Hey, that’s okay, buddy,” Carlos says, pretzeling himself into a position so he can crouch down to his level.
“I’m not supposed to pee in my pants.”
“It’s okay,” Carlos says again, firmer this time.
“Big boys pee on the toilet.”
“You’re still learning,” Carlos soothes, cradling the boy’s face in two big hands so he can wipe the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs. “It’s okay to have accidents. We all do.”
“You pee in your pants?” Jonah asks, eyes wide with disbelief.
“Well,” Carlos stammers. Torn between wanting to make the kid feel better and wanting to keep some dignity. “Not recently. But yeah, when I was a kid. I mean, when I was, like, six I peed my pants on a ferris wheel. I was so embarrassed and I had to just sit there until the ride was over.” He shudders at the memory. “My sisters called me Wiz Kid for like a year.”
Jonah sniffles. “Wiz Kid?”
“You’ll get it one day,” Carlos chuckles, running a knuckle over Jonah’s damp cheek. “Now, will you let me help you change?”
“Okay,” Jonah nods, a small smile creeping across his face.
“Everything okay?” TK asks when they get back to the seats, undoubtedly noticing the redness of Jonah’s eyes indicating he’d been crying. He scrambles to move out of the way so Carlos can move past him and sit back down with Jonah.
“Yeah, we’re all good,” Carlos reassures once they’re all settled back in their seats.
Jonah giggles, shooting a delighted look at Carlos before putting his hands over his mouth.
“What’s so funny?” TK asks, a bright smile taking over his own face.
Jonah leans over and cups a hand to his mouth so he can whisper-yell, “Carlos peed his pants.”
“Wh-what?” TK laughs, eyes wide as he looks between both of them.
“Way to throw me under the bus, kid,” Carlos groans, pinching Jonah’s side to make him laugh more.
“It was on a fair- um, it was a fair-russ wheel,” Jonah chants. His eyes go big again, and he looks at Carlos curiously. “What’s a fair-iss wheel?”
—
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“Shut up.”
“TK said SHUT UP!”
“He did,” Carlos laughs from the driver’s seat, turning his attention back to his husband who is currently fighting with the straps and buckles on the car seat they installed in the truck’s backseat before they left. It’s hotter than hell in the airport parking garage, in June in Austin. TK mutters under his breath while Jonah, already settled in the seat, watches him with an unimpressed look.
“You know, for a firefighter I thought you’d be better at this whole car seat thing,” Carlos teases.
“Former firefighter,” TK grumbles. “Ah-ha! Got it. Okay, let's go.”
He gives the buckles one last tug to make sure they’re secure before climbing into the front seat. He lets out a sigh of relief as the air conditioning, which Carlos has been blasting for the past five minutes while he waited for the car seat conundrum to be solved, finally kicks in.
The drive back to the loft is quiet. A long day of traveling has left Carlos with a cranky husband and an exhausted toddler. He’s grateful that they don’t have anything they need to stop for on the way home. He turned his phone on while they were taxiing down the Austin-Bergstrom runway to a flurry of texts. One was from his mom, informing him that she’d stocked their fridge with kid-friendly meals, another from Marjan letting them know that she’d given Lou a bath this morning and made sure he had a week’s supply of crickets, kale and strawberries.
Their family has taken care of them, so all they have to do is go home and focus on being a family.
He’s overcome with a wave of nostalgia as they get closer and closer to the loft. Memories of the feelings that swelled in his chest when they made a similar drive, that time from a hospital, on the night he brought TK home to the loft. After their break up, after TK woke up from a coma and told Carlos he never wanted to be apart. That he wanted to come home. Carlos spent weeks decorating the loft, picking out furniture and decor that he thought TK would like. Furnishing it with throw pillows and blankets, with art and framed photos and TK’s favorite shower gels and lotions.
The loft, beautiful as it was, wasn’t a home until he brought TK across its threshold to occupy it with him for good.
He reaches across the center console and grabs TK’s hand, squeezing it before pulling it across, resting their clasped hands on his own thigh. TK shoots him a knowing smile. They’re both in their own heads about what this moment means.
They’re expanding their family. Their home is going to be messier, more chaotic with a three-year-old running around. But it’ll also be filled with a lot more love.
“Hey,” Carlos says, crowding TK up against the side of the truck once they’ve parked in the loft’s garage. He grips him by both hips and rests their foreheads together. “I love you. I’m really glad we’re doing this. Together.”
TK beams up at him, eyes crinkling at the sides and his cheeks going a little pink. “Me too baby. I love you too.”
“No regrets?”
TK rubs their noses together. “No regrets.”
He plants a tender kiss to his husbands lips before slapping his ass as he lets him go so he can get Jonah out of his car seat.
“Were you KISSING?” Jonah asks in a tiny incredulous voice when TK pulls his door open.
Carlos can’t help the slightly manic laugh that escapes him in response. This is the life he signed up for, and he has no regrets about it either.
He grips TK’s hand tightly as they slide the loft’s front door open. TK’s got Jonah in his other arm. This is the start of their new life, they’ll build their family here, inside these four walls, with clear eyes and open hearts.
And as they step across this threshold together, he knows they’re ready for whatever life will bring them.
“Welcome home, Jonah.”