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your hands are drenched, but no one will absolve you.
you beg to be held to task, to be blamed, and they put you right back in the same chair you were trying to give up. once a despot, they now choose to crown you king.
you want to be held responsible, as they hand you responsibilities.
you accept this as your redemption, since no one even tries to make you pay.
-
life goes on, forever changed, and yet somehow just the same as it was before. and still, no one blames you. even as the truth drives the sun forever from their lives, even upon the knowledge that monsters do exist and that each and every one of them is one.
they all accept it. they smile, rely on each other, and soldier on for a better future.
there is nothing but love waiting for you at the end of this tale. the love of a city, the love of its people. but isn’t love you wanted.
you wanted to be destroyed. you wanted them to see what you had done, to be horrified by it, and to retaliate. nowhere, not even in your most optimistic thoughts, had you considered this ending was possible, and so you did not crave it.
if heaven wasn’t an option, wasn’t it better to walk into hell willingly?
--
you were ready to die by his hand. living in the wake of him sparing you, of him choosing to lose something in himself rather than harm you—it was worse.
you had been ready to die. for someone to sacrifice themselves on your behalf instead—it was sickening. wrong, pulling at your intestines. he was what you were, and your body, the same as his in so many ways, felt this wrongness to its core. sickening and draining, you felt like nothing deserved to be yours.
he had forgiven you, shown you another way, trusted you, and yet...
it wasn’t like he had stayed. he had made himself into your hope, the only thing you could strive to be, and then... he was gone.
months had passed without him, each one rending at your heart until nothing was left but shreds. a cage of rain encasing your mind as well as your body, but the one inside hurt. gathering, flooding, your insides filled with guilt and doubt. self-hatred so deep you felt it bleed inside of you, stark pink.
perhaps this was your judgement after all. to be without the only connection that struck you to your core.
to be abandoned.