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1.
It had started with an argument over the size of their quarries at Little Garden. Zoro thought his rhino was bigger because he was an idiot who didn't have eyes. The others refused to weigh in, and with no real conclusion, the argument had gotten personal. They were now on hour three, trading insults while doing the dishes together.
"Lichen-head."
"Pervert."
"Moron."
"Shitty cook."
"Three-sword dork."
"Pretty-brows."
"Caveman."
"Prick."
Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Nami-san and Usopp exchange glances and whisper about something at the table. Maybe this back-and-forth was getting on the beautiful navigator's nerves.
"Enough. Let's take this outside," Sanji said, drying his hands before striding out to the deck.
"Thought you'd never ask," Zoro sneered, following closely behind.
They never did come to a conclusion on which animal was bigger, but Sanji definitely would have won the fight if it didn't get interrupted by Luffy shouting about a giant fish.
2.
"Oi, waiter. There's a hair in my food."
Sanji whipped his head around so quickly, it made him a little dizzy. " What ?"
Zoro glared back, pinching something invisibly thin between his fingers. "Hair. In. My food. I don't care how pretty and soft your hair is, I don't want to eat it."
Usopp made a noise like he was choking, but Sanji was too distracted to give him the Heimlich.
"Give me that!" The cook yelled, snatching at the other's hand. He took immense pride in serving immaculate dishes that wouldn't go to waste over sanitary concerns. The idea that he'd make such a mistake was unthinkable. He squinted at the offending object, realizing−
"This isn't even my hair, asshole! It's fucking Luffy's! You let him shed on your food!"
"How the hell was I supposed to know!?"
"Because he's the only one on our crew with straight black hair! Which is clearly what this is!"
"Oh! That makes this mine, right?" Without waiting for an answer, Luffy took advantage of the chaos to grab Zoro's bowl and demolish his share of stir fry.
So Sanji had to take up his precious time making a brand new bowl for the stupid swordsman.
3.
Sanji may have overdone it a little bit. But he couldn't help but get invested when one of the crew requests a specific dish, especially one that offers a challenge. Usopp, very nervously and with multiple add-ons of "you don't have to! Really, it's not a big deal!", asked if the cook could make ackee and saltfish. Apparently it was a specialty in his village, and he had brought a crate of ackee fruits with him on the Merry. Sanji took up the task with enthusiasm, working and reworking the dish again and again until it was completely authentic. Usopp was hesitant to offer critique at first, but slowly warmed up to it until he'd taken on the character of the snobbish gourmand.
"No, no, this simply will not do. The lack of Scotch bonnet peppers is understandable, but substituting habanero means you must compensate for the different flavor profiles! Bonnets are sweeter, so the dish will need more sweetness!"
"As you wish, dear customer!" Sanji said with a salute. At this point, they both knew the dish was perfect and Usopp was just being picky for fun. Normally, Sanji wouldn't go through so much food to remake the same thing on a whim, but luckily this ship had a human garbage disposal.
He loaded up his largest tray with the plates of rejects, as well as a light snack for Nami and Vivi. He'd need to be quick in getting to them before the entire tray was hoovered up.
In his haste, he didn't notice the massive barbell lying on the deck until it made contact with his foot. The tray was in no danger; with the reflexes and grace beaten into him by Zeff, not a single plate so much as slid. That didn't mean he wasn't pissed.
"Don't leave your weights out where people can trip on them, jackass!"
Zoro, who had been sleeping against the nearby railing, had the audacity to act like the aggrieved party.
" You're the one who has one of his beautiful eyes covered. Don't wake me up over your lack of depth perception."
"My foot's about to perceive the depth of your ass!"
" Yeah ? Why don't you try it!?"
"FOOD!"
The ladies' snacks were saved with only a second to spare before Luffy grabbed the tray.
As it turns out, while their captain was not picky about the flavor profiles of habanero vs. bonnet peppers, he was susceptible to the agony of eating four plates of them without anything to drink. It took Zoro and Sanji combined to keep him from leaping overboard to cool his mouth with seawater.
It was also too spicy for the rest of the crew, so Usopp and Sanji were the only ones able to enjoy the truly authentic final version. Not that the toned-down dish was anything short of fabulous, of course.
4.
On their mad dash to Alabasta, every second counted, so they had to keep their stops to a minimum. On this summer island, they could only spare an hour to forage for food and medical supplies for their newest crew member. A shame, as the heat was downright refreshing following the bitter cold of Drum Island, but needs must.
As they approached, Sanji changed into a charming little number in deference to the weather−a short-sleeved floral pattern in a flattering pink with some mid-thigh denim shorts.
"Is that shirt new, Sanji-kun?" Nami asked. "It's cute."
She noticed! Sanji couldn't help but gush over how observant and flattering she was−until it was cut off by the observations of a stupid patch of moss.
"Those shorts are so typical," the swordsman said, crossing his arms. "Should've figured the pervert cook would have no problem parading around his sexy legs without any shame."
The navigator's face contorted in an unusual−but no less beautiful−way. She was likely feeling the same irritation that Sanji himself was.
"Like I'm gonna take fashion advice from a haramaki-wearing old man like you!"
"Better an old man than a whore!"
Quick as a flash, Nami swatted the back of the swordsman's head. "Bad Zoro. No slut-shaming."
"Oh, Nami! You're so beautiful when you come to my rescue~!"
Zoro scowled. "Whatever. Let's just go."
"Oh shit, he's wandering off on his own− Luffy! Grab him!"
A disaster was nipped in the bud. If only they could do something about the fashion disaster that was Zoro. Seriously, would it kill him to own more than one shirt?
Incidentally, Sanji got sunburned to shit on the island and probably would have benefited from covering up. But no one needed to know that, and besides, it was worth it to get a compliment from a lovely lady.
5.
Alabasta was still just a small spot on the horizon, but Vivi's eyes never left it. Sanji could understand- they had been sailing for days, and now the destination finally felt within reach.
The sun was high, painting the sky in a beautiful bright blue that complemented Vivi's azure hair. Smiling wistfully at her home even as her eyes shone with worry, she had never looked more like a princess. When that smile turned to him, Sanji couldn't help but return it. She seemed happy that he was there, watching with her and sympathizing with her plight. Could this be the start of something wonderful?
Then the moment was ruined by a derisive snort from over Vivi's shoulder. And of course, it came from Zoro.
"What," the cook snapped. "Got something to say, mildew?"
"Yeah, I do. You look like an idiot, wasting your gorgeous smile on a lesbian."
"I−what− shut up!" Sanji uncoolly sputtered, reeling from this information. Was it true? "You− there's no such thing as wasting a smile on a beautiful lady, no matter the orientation! What, you think there's a finite number of smiles a human being can manage!?"
Even as he retorted, he couldn't help but notice Vivi's blush.
"Oh…was it really so obvious?" She asked, turning to face the swordsman. The insensitive brute just rolled his eyes.
"It is if you aren't an idiot pervert love-cook."
"Oh, that's it!" As loathe as he was to leave the princess's company, he wasn't about to let this stand. Besides, he'd been working on a new technique and wanted to field-test it before they faced Crocodile.
Behind him, Vivi watched their bout. It seemed like something other than worry had taken up her mind, at least for the moment.
1+
This was so exciting!
Now that the madness was behind them, Sanji could finally appreciate the unique culinary offerings of Alabasta. One of them was a variety of sugars, some that Sanji had only ever read about. Muscovado sugar, coconut sugar, even date sugar! Naturally, he needed to make a set of mini-cakes with each type as the sole variable to study their flavor and texture profiles.
Sanji had been so absorbed in the consistencies of the different batters that he didn't even notice he wasn't alone in the kitchen until they spoke up. "Uh, Sanji? Do you have a minute?"
He turned around to tell Usopp not to bother him until he saw that Nami was there as well. And Luffy. And Chopper.
"What's going on?" Sanji asked, casually slapping away the rubber hand approaching the bowls.
"It's about Zoro," Chopper started, looking hesitant.
"Fuck's sake," Sanji sighed. No wonder he'd been working in peace for so long. "Can one of you go look for him? I'm not in the mood."
"No, no, he's not lost. I mean, he might be. We pointed out a bar down the street to keep him busy for a few hours."
"Okay," the cook said cautiously. The look on the crew's faces was a little disquieting. "So what's this about?"
"You gotta turn him down already!" Luffy said. His mouth was in that comical upside-down U-shape that only a rubber man could make. "It's sad and it makes us sad!"
"What are you talking about?"
"It's okay if you don't like him back," Chopper hedged, "But it's not right to keep brushing off his efforts to court you. The kind thing to do would be to reject him outright instead of stringing him along."
" Court me? Are you out of your mind!?" Sanji yelled, feeling a little bad about the way it made the doctor flinch. He continued in a softer voice. "Since when is he even gay?"
Usopp groaned and started rifling around in his pockets. Nami grinned triumphantly.
"Okay, so he's gay," Sanji said defensively. Sue him for not realizing− it wasn't like the man talked about anything other than swords and booze."That doesn't mean he's 'courting' me. I think I'd notice something like that."
"But he's always calling you pretty and stuff," Luffy said while licking his fingers. Shit. Sanji had let his guard down. "Whadja think he was doing?"
"Being an asshole." The other chefs at Baratie called him 'pretty boy' all the time.
" Really? " Nami said, sounding irritated. "'Sexy legs?' 'Gorgeous smile?' 'Beautiful eyes?' I'm pretty sure the only thing he hasn't said at this point is 'please kiss me, Sanji.'"
"Tch. Like that caveman would ever say please. I don't think he knows the word."
"Oh my fucking god. Usopp, hold me back. I'm gonna kill him."
Sanji turned back to better guard his bowls and to think. Was it possible? The idea seemed so absurd. They were always fighting. Sure, Sanji enjoyed it and Zoro seemed to enjoy it too, but…well, what kind of person constantly insults and picks fights with the person he likes?
An idiot, that's who.
"Oh. Damn."
"Wow, he finally got it. Give the man a prize," Nami said sardonically.
"Usopp. Nami. Chopper," Sanji said, turning back to face them. "...Do you think you can keep the cake batter safe for a while?"
The three of them smiled brightly. Usopp gave a salute.
"Safe from what?" Luffy asked.
The sound of yelling and multiple fists colliding with the captain's head was distant as Sanji strode out of the kitchen, heart pounding in his ears. Zoro could be anywhere, but Sanji's feet moved with purpose, as if pulled by a magnet. In a matter of minutes, he'd reached a confused-looking swordsman in some nearby ruins studying a rock.
"I've definitely seen this before," he muttered. "What's going-"
"Oi!" Sanji called.
"Huh? What are you doing here, shit-cook? What happened to your little experiment?" If Zoro was pleased to see him, he certainly wasn't showing it.
"Taking a break. You want help finding the bar or not?"
Zoro scoffed. "Good luck. This ghost town is a maze. We're probably miles from the city at this point."
"We're really, really not. Just−ugh, come here." Trying not to overthink it, Sanji grabbed Zoro's left hand and started walking.
"Hey! Let me-"
"What do you think of my hair?" Sanji suddenly asked. It wasn't really what he'd meant to ask, but that's what came out.
The swordsman blinked a few times, then scowled. " Tch. Whaddya want me to say? It looks like spun gold in the sun? That your stupid hairstyle is really cute? How insanely soft-looking it is because of all the prissy shit you put in it?"
Sanji's face burned. Something in his stomach felt like it was trying to escape. "Do you…actually think that?"
Zoro rolled his eyes. "Obviously. Pretty sure everyone does when they look at you."
No. No, they don't. He couldn't hold eye contact any longer. When he looked down at their connected hands, he realized how tightly he was gripping. But he couldn't make himself relax.
"What…what do you think about me? As a whole."
"I think a lot of things about you, cook. Be specific."
"All of it. Tell me all of it."
Still sounding annoyed, Zoro rattled it off like a grocery list. "It's moronic how you only fight with your feet. If you bothered to learn how to use a weapon, you could still keep your hands safe. Your cigarettes smell disgusting, but you look really sexy smoking them. It's creepy how you stare at people when they eat your food, like you're waiting for someone to complain when it's obviously delicious. The way you put women on pedestals and treat them like goddesses instead of people is irritating. You have the most beautiful laugh I've ever heard. It's stupid how you dress to impress every day, even when we're at sea and it's just the crew. It's cute how you start humming when you're absorbed in your cooking; I don't think you even realize you're doing it. I feel hot all over when you glare at me. It's pathetic how you keep flirting with Nami when she's not remotely interested. You take way too long in the bathroom getting ready. I want to know how your facial hair would feel against my face if we kissed. It's fucking distracting when you hang up those little briefs on the laundry line where I have to look at them. You're always guarding the sake, even though it's mine and you don't even dr-"
"Okay," Sanji said, holding up his free hand. It felt like he'd explode if he heard any more. "So you're, um, into me? Romantically?"
Zoro looked stunned. " Huh!? When the hell did I say that!?"
"Are you a fucking moron!? Half of that stuff is what you'd say to a lover!"
"Since when!?"
"Since always! Why don't you quit working on your sexy muscles and start working on your brain , you incredibly strong moss-headed booze-brained Cro-Magnon non-showering directionless adorable sword-obsessed woman-ignoring idiotic piece of shit!"
It was quite satisfying to see the swordsman turn completely beet-red in a matter of seconds, even if neither of them could look the other in the eye now. But their hands remained clasped together.
"Do…uh. Do you wanna go to the bar now?" Sanji finally asked.
"Yeah. Just…lemme do something real quick."
Sanji turned to face him again. "What could you possibly need to do in these fucking ruins-"
Zoro kissed him.
It was fast, so the aim wasn't great. Mostly just got his chin and a bit of his bottom lip.
"You missed, idiot" was the only thing Sanji could think to say.
"Shut up! You moved at the last second!"
"Bull shit I did, just admit that you can't hit a target two feet away from you!"
"You try it then, if it's so easy!"
"Maybe I will!"
"Yeah? Go ahead."
"..."
"Ha! Knew you couldn't do it. Fucking chicken."
"Well− the moment was all wrong! It's called mood ; not that someone like you would know anything about it."
"Just admit you're a coward."
"I will when you admit that you got lost in this tiny patch of broken-down buildings! If you walked in a straight line in any direction, you would've been back in town."
"Yeah, well…you have flour on your face." Zoro reached out and rubbed his thumb over Sanji's cheek.
"And you have algae on your head, so who looks stupider?" Sanji muttered. How dare this piece of shit make him feel shy?
"That curly brow makes you look stupider automatically."
"I will leave you here."
"No you won't. 'Cause I'm your boyfriend."
" Please. I'm out of your league."
"Then let go of my hand."
"Shut up."
The walked in silence for a minute or so, until the ruined buildings once again transformed into Alubarna.
"...I know you want to go back to your cakes. If you gimme some sake, that's just as good as going to the bar," Zoro muttered.
Sanji considered this−working on his project in peaceful solitude versus being bothered by an alcoholic unevolved lifeform the whole time.
"...you get one bottle."
" Three bottles."
"Two bottles and I'll kiss you."
"Fine. But I get the third if you chicken out again."
"I wasn't chickening out!!!"
The crew was a little concerned at first, when it appeared as though nothing had changed. Zoro's strange insults hadn't stopped, and they were still fighting constantly. Until they noticed a key difference.
Sanji was insulting him back.