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“Farewell, dear boy” I whispered to myself. I held the cup of wine playing again and again with the liquid inside. I brought to my mind our last encounter, remembering how the touch of my hand over his cheek felt, looking to the past I would have liked to forget totally about any morals and kiss him on his lips as we did in private.
The rain fell outside on a dark night but inside was not anything better, lonely and desperate. Since the moment I delivered that piece of paper with the report for von Bergow I could not do anything else but think that would be the last time I will see my Erik. A disgusting feeling.
“Farewell, dear boy” These were the last words I told to him, once he had begun with his dangerous way. I could never be sure if he ever heard it or instead, the last words he heard were nothing else than survival advice.
I was proud of him, he still had to learn but has advanced a lot. I found him a lonely orphan in the streets after a raid on a rainy and dark night as today, just many moons ago, and now he was a brave man, able to do anything needed to survive, fight with a sword, lie, and betray. I taught him well.
The noise, some steps over the wooden floor interrupted my thoughts. I turn around just to see the bastard of Radzig, wearing the Bergow's emblem. He definitely killed and stole the uniform. I could not avoid a sarcastic laugh, he was standing in my room after all the torture. I thought shortly that I admired his determination, even if it was terribly orientated. A man of his skills, wasting them fighting for Kobyla, Capon, and Wenzel, the last one a useless king who will never know his existence, and the others just nobles who just will throw him into a pit if it would be convenient.
I dared to take a long gulp of the wine in my hand. I greeted him with my usual sarcasm, not hiding my thoughts, he remembered a younger version of myself. I served more wine in the cup thinking how much I had to suffer until I finally learned my lesson, maybe he was here to kill me, and that would mean he learns faster than me.
But then I was disappointed, he kept talking instead of killing me. I was unarmed, alone, and nostalgic, that was a unique chance. My bad feeling may have proved right, I will never see Erik again, but the reason was quite different. I will be dead not him and that gave me the relief to provoke Henry.
“What's it gonna be? A fair fight? Or are you finally going to learn?” I said.
Instead of the fast stabbing I was waiting for, he insisted on talking, definitely, he was like me, always wanting to know everything about everyone, the difference is he does not know how to use it afterward. His first question was about Erik, another man who was like us. Henry's answer was sarcastic, as I would have done, but it was true. All of us were orphans trying to survive and doing it successfully. At least until today, I knew only one of us would leave that room.
“What message should I pass on to Erik when I'm slicing his belly open?” Henry said in a threatening tone. That made me realize the severity of the situation, if I was dead none would guide Erik, he would be alone as I was most of my life without him.
“You'll do nothing of the sort” I said for the first time without sarcasm, something Henry could notice and actually used it to brag about his achievements. He was right, he could kill Erik as he could kill me. “This is just between the two of us. Erik never did anything to you leave him out of it”
Even to my ears, it sounded extremely desperate and pathetic but Erik deserved to be safe, even if that meant away from me. I gave him an opportunity to live, to enjoy, to love but also I created the perfect enemy to haunt him, to make him suffer and destroy him. The only one paying for it should be me.
“Well, I got the feeling you have something to tell me about the two of you. You speak about him like he was your son. Or… when I saw you in the courtyard… there was something more to it. You love him.” Henry said. He knew it, he saw us.
It was true, he was right. I loved him, much more than a simple protegeé or even more than a son. He could not kill me with a knife today but then he could denounce me and Erik for the kind of relationship we had, we could be whipped and executed as the sinners we were. I should avoid it at all costs.
“Do what you like to me. Take your revenge, if you can. Drawn me in blood if you want, but let him be. Please” I do not care about my own suffering but he should not follow me to the grave.
“Are you begging me?” He asked and stood up there without a clear attacking position.
“Yes, I'm begging you” I was more than willing to sacrifice my dignity, honor, and life for Erik. I knew Henry would fulfill his promises, I would kneel on the floor and let myself be killed without even trying to grab the sword next to me if I got his word to not hurt him.
A new change in the conversation brought up my motives to join Ziska, I explained to him as well as the nerves over the fate of my beloved Erik allowed me. Ziska, Sigismund, or Wenzel all of them meant nothing to me about the possibility of staying alive but Erik is my safe place in a tormentous sea.
War gave my life a meaning but Erik a reason to want to keep alive, to call home any place with him next to me. It does not matter if it was a camp with mud or a comfortable palace under Sigismund service. I could not understand why as I was not paying attention to his words but Henry asked for my advice, I looked at him as a young version of me and the possibility for Erik to stay alive.
“Side with the strong”
“I can take care of myself. It's you who should be worried” He yielded to me.
“I'm worried, make no mistake” I said with sarcasm but deep inside me I knew I was no longer worried about myself. The existence of Erik and my relationship with him made me a weak dog, a dog that accepted his fate. My desperation grew as Henry liked to talk instead of piercing me with his sword. “Revenge doesn't give life meaning but it's necessary sometimes”
I talked about my own death and his revenge and gave my final advice to him, to the bastard son of Kobyla. A man I should hate was the last one hearing my words and advice for life, not my Erik but, surely, he knew all of it. I taught him well.
I just begged God's forgiveness and piety for a sinner, not for me but for Erik to control his rage once he figured out I was dead. Acting under emotions led to major mistakes and he did often, that was the only part of him he needed to control.
Henry took his sword, my fate was sealed. I felt the cold iron piercing my body from one side to the other. The pain was different from anything I experienced before, it forced me to push myself ahead as my legs wavered. Henry held me to stand up as he removed the sword, it felt like he would try to cut me again. I was not allowed to collapse on the floor.
“The strongest dog fuck the bitches” Did I said that or was it just a thought? Anyway, he fucked me really hard this time. So hard that I was forced to scream when the remains of my body broke the window and he pushed me.
While I fell my life passed in front of my eyes, the suffering, the loss, the happiness, my village burned, the corpses of my parents, the hard work, my baptism of fire, Nikopolis, the first time I saw Erik and the first time I kissed him, the deaths I caused, when I took the damn sword of Kobyla and once again Erik, this time he laughed at a bad joke of mine, the love. My head hit a rock. I stopped thinking as my existence ceased.