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the first time jaehyun asked taesan to sleep with him happened during a late-night practice at the studio. the question’s out of the ordinary. only a few months into being trainees together, jaehyun had some nerve to ask such a thing, especially to someone who’d been in the company longer.
for a moment, taesan thought he misheard jaehyun. when jaehyun talked about going to sleep, did he mean back at the dorms in their respective beds? yet, the fellow trainee patted the spot beside him, and taesan realized he heard him clearly.
with everyone out of the room, hoping to ease the ache their muscles suffered from, taesan couldn’t feign ignorance, couldn’t refuse jaehyun an answer. taesan had much to learn how to interact with the distant trainee; others seemed to get along with the new and final face of the lineup better than he did.
whenever taesan spent lunch with leehan, his friend always talked about jaehyun with such fondness, eyes twinkling as he called him hyung since the first meeting. in riwoo and woonhak’s case, taesan always spotted the two in the studio with jaehyun, practicing outside of their usual training hours just to learn choreographies stored in their memories.
yet, it came as a shock to taesan when sungho’s the first one who suggested jaehyun to fill in the leader position. the confidence sungho had to entrust the new trainee with shoes too big, a cross too heavy, a plate too filled with priorities, was baffling to the boy. how could his oldest friend ever come up with such an idea? taesan found himself alone on that train of thought; everyone was on board with sungho’s suggestion, commenting about the newest trainee’s capabilities to support the team.
the spotlight remained on taesan.
he shouldn’t have had any issues expressing his hesitation. more often than not, the others sought out his opinion the most. woonhak would come rushing to him with a crumpled yellow-pad filled with chicken scratch. for choreographies, riwoo always looked at taesan first, quietly waiting for his comments. taesan’s grown used to being leehan’s person—where he’ll listen to the big decisions down to the trivial things. in the rare instances sungho needed a different perspective, taesan became the first person he’d go to.
and in all those moments, taesan shared whatever was on his mind.
however, his eyes met jaehyun’s for the first time. it was a swirl of emotions he’s all too familiar with; a faith on the edge during the windiest of times—but a drive to stand still amidst it all.
for the first time, taesan’s words were caught in his throat—all by the eyes that looked like a reflection of himself, and that scared him.
with sweat sitting on the crown of jaehyun’s head, he shot taesan a lazy smile before saying, “come on, only for a few minutes.”
taesan’s breath hitched just from that.
he cleared the lump in his throat. “sorry?” his frown brought jaehyun to a soft giggle.
“you don’t want to go back to the dorm yet, right?” jaehyun was slumped against the wall, the back of his feeling the bass of the music. he shut his eyes and said, “then let’s take a break.”
taesan thought of telling the other trainee to go on ahead. if jaehyun felt exhausted, he didn’t have to wait up for taesan; he had no obligation to stay with him.
“just a short break, then we can go back to this.”
taesan didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to move—he never knew how to do anything in front of jaehyun.
but jaehyun’s eyes snapped open, and all taesan could do was look away.
once the music stopped playing, jaehyun let out a soft sigh as he adjusted in his spot. jaehyun’s eyes shut within seconds. for a moment, taesan thought to get back on his feet and quietly dance away. but he remembered leehan’s comment—they squeak so much, they’re like toys!—while the others broke into laughter.
taesan wasn’t going to disturb jaehyun in a much-needed break. after all, he needed it, too.
while he tried to scoot to a spot against the wall, his shoes squeaked along. taesan would’ve burned them if it weren’t for the fact it was his only good pair of shoes. when jaehyun didn’t comment, taesan made it a point to find his place immediately.
it was a reasonable distance between the two, around one foot apart. taesan wished he didn’t have to stare aimlessly at his squeaky shoes but his phone happened to be on the other side of the room. all he could do was wait until jaehyun decided that break time was over.
“you know, time will pass quickly if you try to rest.”
taesan looked over at jaehyun. his eyes were still shut but the same laid-back smile rested on his lips. taesan wasn’t sure if jaehyun really needed to rest, any more.
but he didn’t say a word, allowed the silence to settle upon them, and snores started to escape jaehyun.
taesan thought about waking jaehyun up. falling asleep in the studio wasn’t ideal, especially with the type of training they had in the coming hours.
yet, taesan refused to move, refused to say a word, and let jaehyun drift off into slumber.
that night, taesan didn’t get a wink of sleep.
the second time jaehyun asked taesan to sleep with him happened in front of the team. away from the dorms, they were in a small apartment that barely accommodated the group; two twin-sized bedrooms, one bathroom, and a shared living room and kitchen with plates for four.
it was taesan’s first instinct to complain. the dorms would’ve been enough to house them all. yet, woonhak beat him to it only to earn an earful from sungho before forcing the youngest to be grateful of jaehyun’s efforts. when taesan heard that their break was only possible because of the trainee, he decided to keep his comments to himself.
at first, taesan tried to think of arrangements that would maximize the room; it could’ve been a game of dibs against the members but he didn’t care to win—all that mattered was having space.
yet, the group ended up huddling in one spot. the first victim was sungho, who only wanted to play some video games. before he knew it, jaehyun and riwoo found their spot beside him, cuddling to a point where it was too difficult for him to play. what didn’t help his case was leehan deciding to tackle woonhak down, only to land on top of the three.
taesan, hair damp from the shower, was confused by the sight of his members all bunched up together. despite sungho’s and woonhak’s complaints, jaehyun’s laughter drowned their words out.
and in the middle of his fit of cackles, jaehyun asked taesan for the second time to come sleep with him.
taesan didn’t know where jaehyun’s confidence was coming from. he knew the trainee could be bold at times, outwardly affectionate to the other members and jokingly proclaimed his affection for them without any prompt. some rolled their eyes while others enjoyed the attention.
taesan, on the other hand, never knew how to respond.
everyone joined in on jaehyun’s request, telling taesan that it’d be good for camaraderie, and he mustered out a sigh. the last thing he wanted to be seen as was the asshole afraid of affection. from there, he didn’t say a word until landing on the top of leehan and woonhak, adding to the weight.
limbs entangled and laughs exchanged—the group felt closer in some ways.
still, taesan liked having space. “okay, i’m standing.” as he tried to do so, complaints quickly followed.
“don’t be like that! riwoo’s gonna tell us about his old dance crew,” woonhak pointed out as he held taesan’s arm.
taesan would’ve loved to hear all about his friend’s past life, but the more he stayed in that room, the more his senses became overwhelmed; head dizzy, fingers tingling, and heart racing to a point that leehan would’ve felt it against his back.
he didn’t hate their presence. if anything, he was in debt to the rest of the group, who cared for him in a way he never got to experience as the oldest among his siblings.
it was the distance between him and jaehyun—relatively a feet apart in reality but shorter compared to all other instances. what didn’t help was that the trainee was in his line of vision; the crinkles on his nose to lopsided smiles—taesan found himself engraving each feature into his memory.
yet, every chance jaehyun met his gaze, taesan never failed to look away.
taesan wondered if jaehyun ever noticed, but that would be a problem when time said so.
the third time never came.
taesan wasn’t sure if he was relieved or concerned. he should’ve been at ease knowing the boundary was there, but on the other hand, he never saw jaehyun’s common antics—only through conversations did he hear of jaehyun’s usual behavior.
that shouldn’t be a problem for taesan. to boil down jaehyun into one face—who’s forward, who spews out statements that toe the line between platonic and romantic, who never fails to find an opportunity to link arms with another—would be to deny his multifaceted character. after spending months stuck in the same dorm, in the same studio, in the same group, taesan learned about the trainee—about his friend, eventually.
yet, taesan wasn’t sure if he had the right to call jaehyun his friend. all the doubts, all the misconceptions, all the refusals to learn jaehyun—did he truly deserve to be jaehyun’s friend?
he did his best to keep his anxieties at bay, even did his best to be outwardly nicer to jaehyun, but his own thoughts got ahead of him. at that rate, taesan was only making a fool of himself.
when taesan couldn’t think straight, he sought out comfort outside of his room. sometimes, his space would transform into a chamber that echoed his worst fears; the walls pried on his insecurities like no other, whispering back his worries tenfold. and like other nights, he’d find himself slumped on the couch, scrolling away on his phone just to shut his mind off.
the last thing he needed was for the root of his anxiety to disturb his peace. yet, the door swung open.
taesan expected to hear jaehyun’s usual humming as he removed his shoes; a tune taesan eventually recognized to be from jaehyun’s self-produced song after countless times.
but it never came. only soft sniffles.
there was a lump in taesan’s throat, around the size of a door stopper. he wasn’t sure what to do. he didn’t know if it was smart to signal his presence in the living room or to pretend to be asleep.
but like other times, taesan never did anything, really. once jaehyun entered the communal space, he noticed a petrified taesan. his first instinct was to look away, trying to hide any trace of sorrow. “uh, i didn’t know you’d still be awake,” the boy muttered, sniffling in between words.
despite how terribly taesan treated him, jaehyun still struck up a conversation—even at his worst state.
“sorry, i—”
“don’t worry about it,” jaehyun cut him off. “i’m going to my room, anyway.”
how quick jaehyun was to assume taesan’s actions. how quick he was to make the worst out of taesan. how quick taesan was to realize the friend he didn’t deserve wanted nothing to do with him—at the speed of a bullet, of a blink, of light.
jaehyun retreated to his room without another word.
and for the first time, all the walls spoke to taesan.
taesan didn’t get a wink of sleep that night—and it showed on the next day of training. every sloppy move of his was pointed out by their dance coach which eventually led to earning an earful; his coach didn’t fail to express his doubts about taesan’s debut.
the tense air was suffocating; everyone was afraid to speak, afraid to disappoint, but had to weigh the outcomes—their safety or taesan’s feelings.
yet, taesan stood tall. although leehan did his best to check up on his friend, taesan was quick to shut him down and proceeded with training, targeting every mistake he made.
everyone went on with training until their bodies reached a point of soreness. while the others slowly made their way out of the studio, taesan continued to practice—until jaehyun was the last person in the room with him.
taesan glanced at the other trainee through the mirror, who stood at the far end of the studio with his bag by his feet. he expected jaehyun to take his bag and leave like everyone else. after all, jaehyun had no obligation to stay with him.
yet, jaehyun didn’t pick up his bag. taesan’s eyebrows shot up the moment jaehyun made his way to where he stood. as he took his spot beside taesan, he rolled his shoulders back. “here, let me help.”
“you don’t have to.”
“but i want to. that way, your time won’t be wasted.”
until now, jaehyun treated taesan better than he ever did.
the night went on. taesan’s shoes squeaked like usual, but it helped that jaehyun’s new pair were just as noisy as his. with jaehyun’s guidance, taesan fixed every mistake he made.
the two sat on the floor, slumped against the wall as they stared at their reflections. with the music paused, all taesan heard was his erratic breathing that oddly matched jaehyun’s.
silence settled on them. taesan had no idea of when he’d get up and practice once more—and for once, that didn’t bother him.
“i hope you don’t take coach’s words to heart.” taesan looked at jaehyun’s reflection. “he hasn’t been in the best mood these past days.” with one exhale, taesan quickly understood the reason behind jaehyun’s tears that night. “but look where we are now. feeling less shitty and more prepared for debut.”
“well, i don’t know about the prepared part.” taesan’s joke held some truth to it. jaehyun’s eyes crinkled as the sound of his giggles echoed; taesan almost forgot how nice it was to hear.
but the weight of the situation still rested on taesan’s shoulders. he wished he did better—there should be no room to disappoint his coach or his team. as much as he tried to focus on his mistakes, he almost thought he heard his friends repeat the same words used to scold him.
the line between anxiety and reality is one taesan often tiptoes on. although he had a good grasp of his present—the facts—it was often plagued by the whispers that weighed on his soul; taesan always had issues proceeding with anything without feeling his lungs constricted.
the laughter died down. as silence engulfed them, taesan found himself staring at jaehyun’s reflection. slumped against the wall, jaehyun was still catching his breath. his messy hair was a testament of all the practice they’ve put in today.
and despite his exhaustion, jaehyun stayed.
taesan didn’t know how to thank him. it could’ve started with a simple ‘thank you’ or an admission to go back to the dorms and rest. yet, taesan failed to say anything, failed to do anything, before jaehyun asked a question he feared to hear.
“do you hate me?”
taesan eyebrows shot up. “what?” his heartbeat rang in his ears.
“it’s a stupid question, i know,” jaehyun looked down to his knees, “but i’m sorry if i did anything to upset you.”
“no, i—”
“i know i joined late, and you have every right to doubt me as a leader. but i’m trying, and i want to know what i can do for you—”
“it’s not that.”
for the first time, when jaehyun looked up, taesan was looking right at him. in that moment, the reflection taesan feared the most morphed into something tangible, something living; jaehyun was just like him—a terrified boy who only wanted to prove himself.
taesan wondered if the walls spoke to jaehyun about their relationship. he hoped for the opposite.
“i don’t want you to think i hate you. i’m sorry if i ever did.” in reality, taesan was only confused about what he felt towards jaehyun. his insecurities and anxieties got in the way of the two, from knowing each other, from understanding each other, from relying on each other. it was an excuse of an apology but one he hoped was enough to mend everything.
jaehyun smiled, just as big like all other instances but entangled with a warmth that taesan would only describe as similar to a fireplace, and said, “you know, your eyes are nice. i hope you look at me more.”
the air in taesan’s lungs was knocked out, and all he could do was look away—but it was different from other times. the weight that used to accompany him had morphed into a flutter.
across the span of taesan knowing jaehyun, he failed to realize what stopped him from getting to know jaehyun. it wasn’t the reflection he was afraid of—it was what jaehyun thought of him.
in all other times taesan pushed him away, he believed he ruined everything between them.
but jaehyun stayed. he still remained. he still understood.
taesan would never doubt jaehyun’s big heart ever again.
“sleep with me.”
taesan looked over at jaehyun, who had a lazy smile plastered on his face; it was one of the many features taesan etched into his memory.
“only a short nap before we go through the choreo again.”
taesan heard the walls speak to him for a second. yet, in front of jaehyun, the facts became clearer to him, bringing him back to reality over his own anxieties. after everything the two went through, jaehyun wished to stay with him. the weight of months tiptoeing around jaehyun was lifted from taesan in an instant.
taesan hummed before they shut their eyes. with synched breaths, taesan imagined if their heartbeats matched into one—joint in ways that transcended the distance between them. and he wondered if jaehyun ever thought the same.
but for the first time, taesan didn’t wait to hear jaehyun’s snores before falling asleep beside him.
he won’t know that jaehyun thought the same.