Work Text:
Sunny sighed, lying in bed holding his phone above his face. It wasn’t terribly comfortable but he wanted both hands to type and he wanted to keep resting in bed as he had been since he returned home. He was texting Kel a bit before his mother was to return with dinner.
Kel: Oh! I forgot as well, someone dared Aubrey to jump the school fence today. Of course she did it, it was absurd and all the adults around were yelling after her. Basil was nervous as ever about her too but it was pretty funny and no one got hurt!
Sunny: Mhm, sounds like her type of chaos. I’m surprised you all wandered so far to the school today even though it’s summer now. Is Hero coming back soon?
Kel: Yeah! Hero is coming back tomorrow actually, he had to stay late after finals week because he got some sort of part time camp job at his university. Parents are trying to get the whole house in order of course so it’s high stress at home today lol
Kel: Parents are calling me down and Sally is crying! GTG but I’ll text you more later!!
Sunny sighed again, dropping his arm to the side before finally rolling off his back to sit up on the side of his bed. He missed Kel, he missed everyone. Ever since he had had to leave town to go to the city with his mother, he missed them. He was never the best at socializing, especially after all that happened and him dropping out of high school briefly. It was hard enough to make friends, and now he was a mute high school transfer, he had had zero luck so far and it had been almost a year.
Looking around his room, he could stare off into space a bit and feel himself on the edge of being able to dissociate, like a warm blanket that he knew he shouldn’t crawl back under on a cold morning. He had to be more present in his life, at least that’s what his therapist had been saying. It’s hard to be present when there’s nothing and no one here to ground me.
The sound of keys and plastic bags rustling brought Sunny’s attention back and he shook his head a bit to clear it, it could be worse, mom’s back and it’s not like I can’t text my friends all the time. Despite his self reassurance, his stomach still had that heavy, lonely pit in it that could never be filled with just words.
“Sunny! I brought back some takeout, come and have some please!” His mother called from the apartment kitchen. Sunny turned his phone off and left it to charge before he eventually stood up to head out.
“Hey honey, I just got some chinese takeout on my way home, I didn’t feel up to cooking tonight. I have to leave early tomorrow morning to head to the next city over for a new contract at work so I just got extra for tomorrow too.” His mother was rushing about the kitchen putting away groceries and sorting the takeout on the counter.
Sunny’s chest hurt the tiniest bit, he’d be alone again, even if it was only for a day or two. He hated being alone in the house but he couldn’t possibly ask for anything. His mom had work, it’s no one’s fault. He stood at the kitchen counter observing her unpack without really seeing anything. The smell of dinner made his stomach grumble but he felt nauseous too.
“I’m sorry I won’t be here tomorrow Sunny,” his mother turned towards him with two plates and chopsticks, handing him a set, “I know it’s… your birthday… I promise we can do something when I’m back, ok? I got some cupcakes as well, they’re next to the fridge if you want any.” She briefly placed her hand on his head before they both got out the food to eat.
Dinner had been a quiet affair. Despite the sick feeling Sunny made himself eat a normal amount since he knew realistically he should have been hungry. Both of them had opted to not have any of the dessert tonight, and Sunny had washed up the dishes while his mom went off to bed. He knew he hadn’t really had a proper birthday since Mari had died, it almost felt wrong to, but he still felt conflicted about it. ’Suffering in the past doesn’t mean you need to repent your entire future’, is what he’d read in some book his therapist had him read on grief and loss. He’d truly been trying to be better, to get better, but he still felt selfish for wanting things, for hoping for things.
Finally back in the escape that was his bedroom, he flopped back down onto his bed, face in his pillows. Blindly he reached for wherever he had left his phone and turned it on before rolling over to unlock it. He probably had some homework he could or should be doing over the summer break, but he hadn’t yet been able to motivate himself to do much other than get up to eat and on rare occasions walk to the cafe that was down the street from where he and his mom lived. He had nothing to do, no one to hang out with, and no interest in forcing himself to do something alone anyways.
Kel: Hey! I’m back, there was a whole mess with dinner here since my dad had tried to cook with something we were saving for Hero’s return tomorrow, I have to run to the store to get it now (╥﹏╥)
Kel: Gotten what I needed! p sure my phone is gonna die otw home tho! ttyl!
Sunny put his phone back down, he should probably just go to bed. He was sure he’d get some messages once it hit midnight, but he was tired and he also didn’t think he’d be in the right mood to reply to them properly. He didn’t want to reply lackluster when people were trying to celebrate him whether he felt he deserved it or not. He wanted to be celebrated, but somehow it also made his chest tight. He wanted people to be genuine and celebrate him because they cared about him, not because they felt obligated to it.
He changed into some more comfortable clothes to sleep in and switched off the lights. Whatever came of tomorrow would be what it would be. He wished he could be back at home with his friends, so he could actually celebrate and maybe have fun now that everyone had mostly come back to good terms with each other. How was it that the days that are supposed to be special and happy always make everything feel worse? They all feel so much further away, and I feel so much more isolated now that it’s some supposed ‘special day’. Sunny eventually passed out for the night.
The sun shining through his bedroom window was what finally woke him in the morning, he never bothered to set alarms when he didn’t have to, and he would wake up at all hours anyways. Stretching, he checked his phone, seeing all the notifications on his lock screen of people who had sent him birthday wishes late last night and this morning. It was around lunchtime but Sunny still didn’t feel like getting up, but his stomach protested when he huddled back under the covers in his bed.
It’s my birthday today…maybe I should make the effort and walk to the corner cafe? It’ll be my own fault if I’m miserable and did nothing for it anyways….
Mind made up, Sunny got dressed and fixed his hair a little bit before getting his shoes on and earbuds in. He was glad that the cafe wasn’t too far, he didn’t like going out on his own that much since he struggled just with being outside and then he also couldn’t speak anyways. Luckily, the baristas at this cafe all knew him and were totally fine with him writing down what he wanted on his phone for them to read.
He arrived, ordering a cinnamon bun and a latte to bring back home, glad that despite it being mid-day it wasn’t so busy in the store. He wondered when Hero was supposed to be getting back to Kel’s today and decided to just finally go through all the messages he had ignored when he had woken up.
He had gotten various texts from old classmates, Basil had sent him a bunch of messages wishing him a happy birthday, worrying if he was ok as he usually did. He had a short text from Aubrey as well. Surprisingly, nothing from Kel or Hero though he figured they were busy with the family. His mother had been gone by the time he got up and he had nothing from her, he hadn’t expected to, though.
With that over with and his order ready Sunny walked the short distance back home. He was almost frustrated the cafe trip hadn’t taken longer, he really didn’t want to sit in his room and be lonely all day. He briefly entertained the idea of calling up Kel just so they could chat for a while, but shut it down quickly. It was selfish wanting to disturb Kel’s busy day just so that he could feel better. He must be in chaos at the house since he’d not heard from him today at all.
The latte and pastry were left unceremoniously on the kitchen table when he got back, hardly touched. Could I just get over this? Birthdays don’t have to matter, I should be able to just be alone. I should be fine on my own.
He felt empty the longer the day wore on. The sun setting now cast an orange hue over the living room where he was sitting, not really looking at anything. He dragged his eyes over to the counter where his uneaten breakfast was, likely cold and stale now. He hadn’t felt hungry and still was not keen on having anything to eat even after hours had passed. He just wanted things to go back to how they were, to how they had been, before everything. Before he moved away, before Mari-
Stop.
Sunny took a deep breath, looking back to the dim room in front of him while the sun set below the horizon. He never bothered turning on lights if it was just him at home, but it made everything a gray/blue color when the sun went down while it wasn’t dark yet. He felt at peace in it, though he knew it was just a peace born of not being mentally really there. He liked when it was less colorful, less loud, less overwhelming.
He was almost paralyzed where he sat, he was in his head not his body, just staring into the middle distance. He wasn’t sure he was even actually thinking, just existing in space while time passed around him. It was peaceful, a disturbing comfort. The silence in the house was like a blanket over his whole body, present and just shy of suffocating. He wouldn’t mind if it did.
It was dark now, though his eyes had adjusted with the fading light. He felt tired, unsure how much time had really gone by. He got up, his legs in pain from disuse, and went to his room. He still hadn’t changed out of the clothes he wore to the cafe and wanted something more comfortable so he put his pjs from the night before back on. Finally in bed he opened his phone,
23:48 0 unread messages
He sighed, this is pathetic, today is pathetic, why do I let myself expect anything each year, it’s always just disappointing and sad. Isn’t it the definition of insanity to do the same thing expecting a different result? Everyone’s always busy if I plan something, everyone’s always away, I’m not even near them now that we moved. I hate that I can’t help this hoping.
Sunny shut off his phone, he didn’t bother plugging it in as he’d barely used it today anyway. He spent most of the morning asleep and then the rest of the afternoon and evening had blurred together in the living room. Feeling exhausted even though he didn’t have an active day, Sunny lay down in bed, somehow cold in the July heat, pulling two blankets up to his chin. His face and pillow felt wet while he eventually drifted off to sleep.