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It starts with a text Till sends to Ivan at 2:36 AM.
Can I stay at your place
Till realizes that it’s the first message in months as their last exchange was a simple Happy birthday followed by a thanks.
The reply is instant. Surprising. Ivan’s always been a heavy sleeper.
Of course.
You’re welcome anytime.
Ivan answers as if no time’s passed at all. That’s a good thing, right?
He doesn’t ask any additional questions. No why or when, even though he doesn’t know when Till even wants to come over. Well, he did say Till’s welcome anytime. Till’s sure that if he showed up tomorrow morning, Ivan would have a room ready before Till could even say hello.
There’s no reason to ruminate any further. Till’s already done the hardest part. He’ll return to his hometown for his winter break.
-
On the day of departure, doubt begins to fill Till’s mind. He stares at the train ticket he purchased earlier. Maybe it isn’t too late to walk back home? When he walks outside, he’s face to face with Hyuna who grins at him. She puts her hands on his shoulder and forcibly turns him around.
“Let go of me!” He glares at her, hoping his look is intimidating, but her laugh tells him otherwise. Till doesn’t know why he keeps trying with Hyuna. She picked him up like he was a stray cat in a cardboard box. No one would be scared of that.
“You act without thinking all the time,” she says while poking Till’s forehead. “And yet, here you are trying to think of a million reasons to not go home for the break?”
“Well. I–” Till starts, “I haven’t gone back home ever since I moved out for university. Anyone would feel a little nervous about it!”
“That’s true.” She removes her finger from Till’s forehead to cross her arms. “But you talk a lot about how you miss your friends.”
Till doesn’t respond to that.
“Nothing, huh?” She smiles softly. “Well, that’s fine. I’m happy that you took the first step forward. Now just keep walking, alright?”
Till flushes from Hyuna’s sincerity. He’s always had trouble handling the earnestness from others. Still, he manages to thank her with a small bow and everything. She pulls him into a hug, making sure to rub the top of his hair as she always likes to do.
“Safe travels!” She waves as Till walks away. “Make sure to tell me all about it when you come back. Oh and also, Luka sends his regards.”
Even Luka’s cheering him on, huh? Till knows he’ll need it.
-
There aren’t too many people on the train, which Till is grateful for. He uses the time to draw in his sketchbook, not wanting his mind to wander too much. He starts with a familiar ocean. He wonders if those waves are still as welcoming.
-
When Till arrives, he sees Ivan waiting there, wearing that same, familiar smile. He’s standing quite still with his hands tucked neatly behind his back. Till wonders how long he’s been waiting there.
“Welcome back. Do you want to go to my place first, see Mizi and Sua, or go somewhere else?”
Efficient as always. Till contemplates for a bit as there’s a lot of places he’d like to see. When he finally decides on a location, he grips the straps of his bag tightly.
“Can we go to the graveyard first?”
“In that case, let’s stop by the market first to buy some flowers.”
Till knows that this is typical of Ivan. They’ve done this so many times before, but he’s still grateful. And like back then, he doesn’t know what to do about it.
They drive to the graveyard and exit the car with two bouquets of flowers, a box of incense sticks, and a lighter. Till and Ivan place the bouquets on each side of his mother’s headstone. It’s in better condition than he thought it’d be. The polished granite inlaid in the ground is shinier than he remembers. The text– with her birthday and death date– is clear to read. In the center, his mother’s portrait smiles at him. It was her favorite photo of herself. She’s a bit younger here and surrounded by yellow and pink flowers.
Ivan, who’s been staring at Till the entire time, says, “The three of us came to clean her grave a few weeks ago actually.”
A few weeks ago… that must have been her death anniversary. His heart feels heavy. He remembers the wave of grief that crashed over him that day. The sinking feeling in his gut that never went away and the tears he kept trying to hold back. He couldn’t do anything but place a single incense in a small bowl of rice, even though he knew it wasn’t enough. “I’m sorry. I should have been there.”
“There’s no need to apologize. I should have invited you.”
He wonders if he would have come. “Well, thanks for doing that.”
“Your mother was always kind to us. It was the least we could do.”
Both boys light an incense and plant them in the ground. They stand there in silence as the scent of incense envelops them. Till hopes his mother can hear his prayers.
-
Till and Ivan have known each other since they were in the first grade, ever since Ivan asked Till why he colored the sky purple. A young Till took immense offense to the question and threw his crayons at Ivan’s forehead. A young Ivan, in turn, took the crayons and threw them back at Till. The fight escalated quickly from that point. Till remembers how the two were seconds away from biting each other’s arms before the teacher finally intervened. From that moment onward, Ivan clung to Till like a sea urchin. He would follow Till around, commenting on his drawings and singing especially. The two would still argue about the dumbest of things, but ultimately Till grew fond of Ivan being by his side. It didn’t matter that Ivan was insufferable or confusing– the two were inseparable. With Mizi and Sua, too, their childhood was full of memories that Till would hold dear.
When his mother passed away in his second year of high school, he went to live with his father’s brother, as he was Till’s only living relative nearby. Till has nothing good to say about that man. The insults and the screams. The cuts and the bruises. The wounds etched deep within Till’s heart that he wishes he could forget. Till desperately wanted to escape.
“There’s this school you should apply to,” Ivan says to him one day. “You could get a full ride studying both art and music.”
“As if I’d get in,” Till replies, not wanting to dare dream.
“What happened to our great musical genius?” Ivan holds back a laugh as Till glares at him. “You have a good chance. Ask Mizi and Sua. They’d tell you to apply too.”
“The biology program is pretty decent there too,” Ivan continues. “I’ll apply too. We can work on our applications together. Though, you’re going to have to put in a lot more work to get that scholarship.” He says as he slings his arm around Till’s shoulders.
Till never tells Ivan that it was his declaration that gave Till the courage to apply.
Months later, Till’s the only one surprised when he gets his acceptance letter months later. To celebrate, Till, Ivan, Mizi, and Sua all went out for dinner, followed by karaoke. He never told anyone how much dread he felt that day. Things would be changing so soon– and his most selfish wish? For someone else to be there with him. He craved a sense of familiarity, but he didn’t dare declare his desires. But in the end, everyone stayed in the hometown they’ve always known. Even Ivan.
He couldn’t describe the feelings in his heart then– choosing to ignore the heaviness in his heart. Rather, he focused on what was in front of him. Learning how to handle his classes, failing to fix his sleep schedule, and navigating all the problems that came with living on his own. Luckily, he had his upperclassmen Hyuna and by extension Luka to help him out here and there.
By the time things settled down, he just didn’t know how to reach out to his friends again. He started answering texts again, but his answers were short and brief– not knowing what else he could say. He also rarely reached out first. Always deleting his messages before pressing send. They were fine without him, so he should learn to be fine without them too, right?
-
Till takes the guest room at Ivan’s house. Despite not doing too much today, Till finds himself exhausted– so he welcomes a warm shower. When he finishes, he finds himself colder than he expected it to be, so he grabs one of Ivan’s sweaters. It’s the green one Till saw Ivan wear often in high school. He finds it amusing that Ivan kept it despite being too big for it now
“Is dinner ready yet?” Till asks as he exits the room. Till offered to cook earlier, as thanks for letting him stay over, but Ivan refused. He said he could see how tired Till was
“Almost, let me–” Ivan stops mid-sentence as he drops a bowl. It crashes into the ground, shattering.
“What the fuck?” Till rushes over to grab the broom. He sweeps up the ceramic pieces, but notices that Ivan hasn’t moved an inch. “Hey, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Ivan continues to stand completely still. He’s staring at Till. “Wearing a sweater, huh?”
“It’s cold and it’s comfortable. Do you have a problem with it?”
“Nope, not at all.” Ivan smiles at him, and Till finds it endearing.
They eat in a peaceful silence after that. Till is both grateful and unnerved by the fact that Ivan isn’t prodding him with more questions. Maybe it’s because it’s the first day back?
“Let’s have lunch with Mizi and Sua tomorrow,” Ivan says eventually.
“Sure.” Till wonders why he isn’t as nervous as he thought he’d be about meeting Mizi and Sua. He looks across the table, watching as Ivan shovels fried rice into his mouth. Maybe that’s why.
-
The next day, Till and Ivan arrive first at the restaurant. Mizi arrives soon after, her eyes brightening upon seeing Till. She bounces around him asking him numerous questions about how university has been so far. He’s happy to answer, but finds himself struggling to keep up. It’s overwhelming to see Mizi so excited to see him. Sensing his struggle, Ivan asks Till to go back to the car to grab Ivan’s jacket. Normally, Till would tell him to do it himself, but he really does need to take a step back here.
“Are you going to say anything to him, Ivan?” Mizi’s voice rings through, prompting Till to stop in his tracks. He knows he shouldn’t listen in, but his curiosity is stronger. He tries his best to hide behind the wall.
“I appreciate the concern Mizi, but it’ll be fine. I’ll continue doing what I’m doing.”
Till’s figured that Ivan has been deliberately avoiding certain conversation topics, but besides that, he’s the same as he’s always been. If anything, Ivan’s been more considerate than he’s ever been.
“But Ivan…” Till can imagine Mizi’s expression. He never understands how Ivan can resist Mizi’s puppy expression. “You’ve been so miserable these past two years without Till.”
Till must have misheard that last sentence. There’s just no way.
“While this situation is less than ideal, I wouldn’t say I’m miserable.” Till hears Mizi groan a bit at Ivan’s response. “I’m overjoyed that Till’s come back and I want to enjoy our time together before it’s gone. Is that so wrong?”
“Ivan, you're so ridiculous!” Till hears Mizi lightly smacking Ivan’s shoulders. “You’re speaking like this will be the last time you see Till when it doesn’t have to be!”
“I don’t want to force Till into anything. People naturally grow apart.”
“But that’s not the–”
“Eavesdropping, are you?” A voice surprises him from behind. Till uses all his willpower not to yelp in surprise.
He turns around and is face to face with Sua. “Hi Sua,” is all he can say.
“Hi,” she replies, “Let’s hurry up. I’m hungry.”
“Wait before you go,” he puts a hand on Sua’s shoulder but immediately withdraws it when he notices Sua’s glare. “How has Ivan been?”
“Can’t you ask him yourself?”
“Well...” Till starts, not knowing what to say. Sua sighs.
“I’m not going to pry because it’s not really my business, but there is something I want to say.”
Till simply nods, not wanting to irritate Sua any further.
“We've all dealt with you since you were a sniffling brat. I've dealt with you when you were always trying to cling to Mizi. At this point, nothing can drive us away.”
Till doesn’t know how to respond. While Till considered Sua a friend, he never knew if the feeling was reciprocated, so hearing all of this from Sua… it’s shocking to say the least.
“You can rely on your friends a bit more,” she says. She turns away, ready to walk towards Mizi and Ivan, but before she does, she adds one more thing. “Please talk to him.”
Till follows Sua and the four all enter the restaurant. They fall into easy conversations like no time has passed at all. The whole time, he can’t stop himself from looking at Ivan.
-
A few days later, Ivan decides to take Till to the aquarium. They’ve visited multiple times throughout the years, but the sights still take Till’s breath away. It’s one of his favorite places in town.
The two begin at the kelp forest exhibit. The tanks are over a hundred feet tall. The kelp, in brilliant greens and yellow, sway in the water as the sunlight peeks through. Various fish dart around, weaving through the blades while others swim slowly near the sandy floor. Till takes his sketchbook to draw the scene before him. Ivan sits next to him and watches. It’s a familiar and safe feeling.
“It looks like you, you know.” Ivan points at the green anemone after a few minutes. Till takes a good look at the bright green invertebrate, watching its tentacles dance in the water.
“Can’t you say that I’m something more fierce, like the shark over there?” Till points at the leopard sharks swimming about.
“Give them some credit. The giant green anemones are carnivores, you know?” Ivan smiles. “Plus, they’re cuter.”
Till puts too much force on his pencil, breaking the lead. He feels his cheeks starting to warm. “Shut up!”
Ivan laughs and asks if Till’s ready to go onto the next exhibit.
-
They go watch the sea otter feeding next. Till greatly enjoys watching the otters swim around while also trying to solve puzzles to reach their food. He knows it's for their enrichment, but he wonders if some otters ever get frustrated.
They visit the aviary next. Various shorebirds run around the sandy exhibit– some moving so fast that Till can’t keep track of them. Ivan suggests a competition– whoever finds the snowy plover gets a free ice cream. It’s a small white bird with brown and black patches that camouflages well on beaches. And yet somehow, Ivan finds it almost instantaneously. Till grumbles about how he must have cheated. Of course, Ivan refuses to take the ice cream bar normally, forcing Till to hold onto the ice cream bar as Ivan takes bite after bite like the freak he is. He laughs at Till’s misery.
They pet the giant isopods in the deep sea exhibit, watch the penguins dive around, and enjoy the sounds of wild birds and the feel of the ocean breeze outside.
Near the end of the day, they go to the open ocean exhibit. It’s a large exhibit on the second floor with tanks all around. Rays and sharks fly through the endless sea. Schooling fish, like the sardine, shimmer as they swim by. Till wonders about the real open ocean– do fish have to swim really far before encountering another fish? He wonders if they ever get lonely.
There aren’t too many people around fortunately, so Till and Ivan sit down together on the bench. Ivan reads the informational signs about the fish– likely to terrorize Till. Ever since the anemone, Ivan has tried to find one animal per exhibit to compare Till to. He doesn’t give Ivan the chance this time, however.
“Is it true you’ve been miserable without me?”
His eyes widen ever so slightly. “You heard that conversation?” He waits for Till to nod before continuing. “Well in that case, you must have heard me say that I wasn’t.”
Till thinks about letting it go until he remembers Mizi’s and Sua’s words.To talk to him. To let him know that this wouldn’t be the last time they’d see each other.
“Ivan.” Ivan tilts his head. Till’s heart starts to beat faster– it’s now or never. “I miss you. I wish you came with me to university.”
“What?”
“I know it’s stupid, because we all have our own futures, but because you applied too… I thought… I thought that we’d be together for a few more years… but then you didn’t say anything– and I just thought you didn’t want me around anymore and so I tried to see if I could do things without you guys, but–”
Ivan stops Till’s rambling by grabbing his shoulders. “Please stop. I don’t think my heart can handle hearing more.” Till gets a proper look at Ivan’s face– his eyes are wide and he can see a faint blush.
“Ivan…”
“Firstly, I want you to know that I cherish every moment we spend together. There will never be a time where I don’t want to see you.” Till blushes at Ivan’s sincerity. “And, I’m sorry.” He keeps his grip on Till but avoids eye contact by looking at the wall behind Till. “I wanted to… I wanted to go with you, but my parents wanted me to attend the university near home, and like a coward I blindly followed their wishes.”
Ivan’s parents had always been strict. Even if they weren’t home often, their hold on Ivan was strong. Till thinks that Ivan shouldn’t belittle himself so much– it’s difficult going against the expectations placed upon you.
“I really thought you wanted a new start, and so I tried to keep our communications to a minimum.”
Till pulls away from Ivan because he can’t help but laugh at that. He tries to cover his mouth with his hand, but it’s futile. “That must have taken a lot of self control. I know your favorite pastime is bothering me.”
“You have no idea.” Ivan smiles at him softly.
Once Till collects himself, he stands and extends his hand towards Ivan. “Come by sometime. Surprise me, so I can get mad at you because I know I definitely didn’t give you my schedule.”
Ivan takes his hand. “You might regret giving me permission to do that, you know.”
“Maybe, but I had about two years without any of your shit. I think I’ll be able to handle whatever you throw at me.”
“Is that a challenge?”
“You’re so full of shit, you know that?”
“But you still missed me.”
Till feels his whole body warm. He knows that there’s more that they need to talk about, but for now he’ll enjoy this winter break with Ivan.