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Sirius Black was 12 years old when he first fought with his mother.
He had never really fought with her before.
He just sort of sat there, like a wounded puppy, letting her yell at him. He never understood how the people on T.V. did it. How they would stand up for what they believed in, how they'd never hesitate to call their parents out when they had done something wrong.
She had screamed, and fought and said nasty, cruel things, and Sirius had said nasty, cruel things back.
Maybe he had gone too far.
His mother cried at dinner that night.
A part of him didn't even feel guilty. She's made you cry plenty, isn't this what she deserves?
(Like the monster he was)
That night, Sirius threw up.
He didn't know why, but when his father came in at night, he said it was because he felt 'guilty'.
Sirius didn't understand how his mother didn't throw up after she fought with him.
He supposed his mother just didn't feel guilty. But she loves you, doesn't she?
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Regulus Black was 8 years old when he first heard Sirius fight with their mother.
He had never seen such bravery in his life before.
It was only then when he realised that his brother deserved to be in Gryffindor.
They talked about things he didn't quite understand yet.
"And don't you dare bring Regulus into this! When you were his age, you didn't study much either! He'll do what you're doing when he's older! I don't like what you're insinuating!" His mother had said- as usual. Sirius usually just sat there, tears rolling down his eyes- Regulus usually cried, too- no one bothered with him, though.
"I suppose you'll tell him to kill himself when he's 10 as well, then?" Sirius muttered lowly, and Regulus' heart stopped.
He stopped crying, too. He just felt- there. Like a cat watching people from across the street.
The fight went on.
As all things did.
A part of Regulus died that day, but he didn't bring it up (all of Sirius had died much, much before, after all.)
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Sirius couldn't cut himself that day, he didn't understand why. He's done it for less.
But he couldn't bring himself to leave Regulus' side. Maybe tomorrow.
He apologised to his mother.
He felt as though he was betraying himself, but he did anyways.
The next night, he had seen his father's messages to his mother.
"Darling, it will be okay
Kids are mean and nasty sometimes
I expected more from Sirius but i guess he too is like all teenagers
Don’t for a moment believe it to be any reflection on you or your parenting
All kids break their mothers’ hearts — some more than others"
He hated his father for that. He didn't know what twisted version of the story his mother had told him, but he knew his father was on his mother's side. And to think, you were his favourite.
Sirius wasn't meant to be anybody's favourite.
He had known this from a very young age.
All he had wanted was for someone to choose him, time after time.
There was no one.
Liked but not loved.
That was Sirius Black for you.
It wounded Sirius that there would never be a room full of people, having an amazing time, with somebody saying: 'Hey, you know what would be nice? We should call Sirius. Yeah, that'd be good."
The impact of being so acutely alone, at such a young age, Sirius thought, was that he had never had anything to really live for. He had decided, at maybe the age of 5, that human life was quite terribly miserable, and so, he never had a list of things to do when he grew up.
He just always assumed that he would, inevitably, kill himself one day.
After all, corpses don't have eyes to match with their mothers.